Chapter 5 - Getting To Know You

Quinn walked through a long hallway with doors, giggling, and having the time of her life. As she opened each door, there was a really handsome guy dressed in a suit behind it.

GUY #1: Quinn, go out with me!

QUINN: Nah, but I'll call you, Guy, okay? (Slams door in his face)

GUY #2: Quinn, go out with me!

QUINN: Maybe next week, Guy, okay? (Slams door in his face)

The same sequence continued until she reached the end of the hallway and came to a large red door. When she opened it, she saw a really handsome guy standing behind it.

QUINN: (Completely spellbound, dreamy:) You! I wanna go out with you!

GUY: (Hooking his arm around hers:) Of course. By the way, my name's Darren. What's yours?

QUINN: (In a seductive tone:) It's Quinn.

DARREN: (Looks stunned:) D-did you say Quinn?

QUINN: (Looks confused:) Um, yeah--so what?

DARREN: (Now delighted:) My God, you're my SISTER!! (Hugs her, kisses her on cheek)

QUINN: (Terrified:) What are you doing? Heelp meee--(everything goes black)

Quinn struggled in the darkness, and then suddenly the blackness began to recede as she opened her eyes. She saw Daria looking down on her with a slight smirk, holding her hand, and Darren looking at her from over Daria's shoulder with more of a concerned look, as well as several other people behind him.

DARIA: Wakey, wakey, "cuz".

DARREN: Is she all right, Daria?

DARIA: Eh, she'll live--more or less. Come on, Quinn. (Helps Quinn up)

DARREN: (Motions to the other shoppers:) She'll be fine, thanks. (The shoppers disperse)

QUINN: (Looks at Darren warily, talks in a drained voice:) Then it wasn't a dream. Y-you really are our brother?

DARREN: Pending a DNA test at the hospital tomorrow, by which I'm assuming will be positive, yes.

DARIA: (In a deadpan, skeptical tone, hiding her shock:) And how, pray tell did this miracle come about? I can't believe mom and dad became necromancers and conjured you up.

DARREN: (Chuckles at Daria:) No, but with what's happened to me these past few weeks, I feel like I've returned from the dead. Look, talk to your parents first. They invited me over to your house to spend the night. (Grows quiet:) I'd--like to get to know both of you better, if you'll let me.

DARIA: (Looking a bit surprised by his frankness:) Um--sure, okay--I--guess.

QUINN: (Very quiet, looks down:) Y-yeah, that sounds good.

All three stared at each other a little awkwardly, then Daria spoke.

DARIA: Well, we'll see you at our house, then. Come on, Quinn. We have a taxi waiting on us in the front. (Quinn looks at Darren red-faced, completely embarassed, while Darren looks as he wants to say something, but holds back)

Darren watched them go back into the mall, then he went to his car.

DARREN: (Thought v.o., frowns: Well, Darren, why didn't you offer them a ride? That first-time little get-together went swimmingly well--like a sinking rock.) (Starts up car and backs out of parking space)

Daria and Quinn walked out to the front of the mall for their taxi ride and waited in the pick-up zone.

QUINN: (Still shell-shocked:) I can't believe I came on to a guy who might be my own--own--my own brother! We could've almost--EWWWWW! What do they call that? (Shudders, looks at Daria:) Insects--?

DARIA: (Sighs:) Incest, and you're beating yourself up over nothing, Quinn--you didn't know anything about Darren possibly being our brother, (smirks:) and it's like you two didn't kiss or something.

QUINN: (Really disgusted:) ICK! Kissing my brother? On the mouth? EWWWWW! (Eyes grow big:) Something like S-E-X? AAARGH! If this gets out, I'll be an outcast like you!

DARIA: (Smirks:) An outcast like me? Ah, just imagine--you, me, and Jane, all against the world of the popular and fashionable! You could make a speech that says, "I saw the light! I now see that my previous life was a lie! Shallow! Meaningless! Throw off your Guccis! Throw off your Pierre Cardins! Become (faux gasp:) BRAINS! Do your homework! Study, baby, study!"

QUINN: (Upset:) I'm serious, Daria! You don't understand what this would do to my reputation!

DARIA: (Rolls her eyes:) Quinn, no one knows about what you did except me and Darren, and I'm not--going--to--say--any--thing--(realizes something, smiles:) for a price.

QUINN: (Narrows her eyes:) You--I knew it! What do you want?

DARIA: (Smug:) You can do my chores around the house for two weeks.

QUINN: (Furious:) Two weeks?! That's--that's--

DARIA: (Pretends like she talking to someone:) --Yeah, Sandi, Tiffany, Stacy--I couldn't believe what Quinn did--all those insects, and--

QUINN: (Glares, stomps:)--All right! Two weeks!

DARIA: (Smirks:) Excellent. Our deal is sealed. I'll let you know later when you can start. (Looks around, then at her watch:) Where is that damn cab? It should have been here 20 minutes ago. (Notices the sign beside the curb) Oh, hell.

QUINN: Huh? What's the matter? What's on that sign, Daria?

DARIA: (Looks at the sign:) It says that cabs run from here until 7:30 p.m. It's 7:45 p.m. now.

QUINN: (Gasps:) Y-you mean--

DARIA: --It means we're stuck here unless we walk off the mall's parking lot and call a cab--or call mom and dad to come back and pick us up--and they'll know we've been out someplace either way.

QUINN: (Angry:) Damn it, Daria! You and your stupid cabs!

DARIA: (Frowns:) Hey, don't blame me if you wagged your tounge after a guy who may be our brother. (Quinn glares at her like crazy, now) Had you been with me, we could've gotten to the cab in time. (Sighs:) We'd better call mom and dad and get ready for the third degree. It's getting dark, and the parking lot's getting empty, and Mack and Jodie told me they were leaving after talking to me. (Raises eyebrow at Quinn:) I don't suppose you can get one of your hundreds of boyfriends to pick us up?

QUINN: (Frowns right back, arms crossed:) Do I look like a freakin' telephone to you? I only talk on one, and they call me, not the other way around. (Shrugs as an afterthought:) Besides, I don't remember any of Joey, Jeffrey, and Jamall's numbers. Face it, we're screwed.

DARIA: --That's Jamie.

QUINN: (Rolls her eyes:) Whatever.

After a moment, a green car drove from the side of the mall, stopping in front of Daria and Quinn. Both girls looked in and saw Darren at the wheel.

DARREN: Hey, you two. I drove around the lot and was ready to leave when I saw you standing at the front. (Looks around:) Obviously, your cab's not here, yet--?

QUINN: (Before Daria can say anything, still fuming:) An' it won't be here either, at least not anymore tonight.

DARREN: (Concerned:) What do you mean?

DARIA: Take a look at the sign. (Darren does) Unless we call our parents, or go off the lot to someplace else to call the cab, we're going nowhere.

DARREN: Ah, I see. (Thinks for a second:) Well, how about if I take you to your home--that is, if you can go with me to the motel I'm staying at and wait for me to check out and get my things. (Quinn becomes alarmed) Besides, your parents said that they were going to the grocery store before they come home. (Shows phone:) I have a cell phone you can call them on, in case they're at your home already.

DARIA: (Considers:) Well--

QUINN: (Cuts her off:) --Daria, could you come with me for a second? Excuse us, Darren. (Takes Daria's arm before Daria can say anything, pulls her some ways from the car:) Are you nuts? Now I know this "Darren's" not our brother! He wants to take us to some motel or something! Our brother would never do something like that!

DARIA: (Smirks, deadpan:) Something, Quinn? You mean like S-E-X? (Quinn nods quickly, eyes wide open) (Looks up in mock thinking:) Hmm--you, me, and him, a threesome in bed. Well, you can take the left side--

QUINN: (Suddenly stomps, frustrated:)--Damn it, Daria! Why can't you take me seriously over a guy who wants to take us in his car?

DARIA: (Serious tone now, frowns:) Now that's ironic coming from someone who picked up a wanna-be country music star on our way to Fremont, and asks guys over what cars they drive all the time. (Note to reader: See of course, "Speedtrapped" for the Fremont comment) Look, Quinn--for some reason, I'm willing to believe he's on the level with us. (Looks over at Darren's car:) He seems genuinely concerned about us, and our parents did hug him, (ugh) so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. He also offered us the use of his phone. Would a guy who wanted to do anything bad to us do something like that? (Sees Quinn still not sure, sighs, reaches in her shirt pocket:) Here--I'll give you my cannister of pepper spray to keep. If he tries anything, you can use it on him--but if he's really our brother and tries nothing, you're gonna feel awfully foolish. (Thought v.o.: Not that you don't already, "Insect Queen")

QUINN: (In a rare moment of reflection, looks down, becomes quiet:) No, that's okay, Daria, keep it.

DARIA: (Cocks an eyebrow over Quinn's frankness:) All right, then--now let's go back to Darren and get the hell outta here.

Darren watched the two girls with a sense of dread. He looked at both of them with a deep, sad look on his face.

DARREN: (Thought v.o.: They don't trust me--I guess I can't blame them. Maybe I can--) (Sees Daria and Quinn coming back to the car, gives a small, hopeful smile)

Daria and Quinn got into the car, with Daria riding shotgun.

DARIA: (Embarassed:) Uh, Darren, we didn't mean to--

DARREN: (Cuts her off gently, smiles:) --It's okay, Daria. I assume your parents told you to never ride with strangers, and to you two, (adds quietly:) I guess I'm one.

DARIA: (Slight smile, not quite Mona Lisa:) Well, then, um--I guess we're going to have to change that, huh?

DARREN: (Chuckles:) I guess. (Gets cell phone from seat, gives it to Daria:) Here, call your parents so they won't be worried, provided they've come from the store. Punch code 8-7-2-3-* to activate it. (Drives car out from the front of the mall while Daria does so)

QUINN: (In a sheepish tone:) Um, Darren?

DARREN: (Glances at her in the interior rearview mirror:) Yes, Quinn?

QUINN: (Red-faced, hesitant:) I-I'm sorry for--you know--what happened back at the mall--uh--

DARREN: (Smiles:) --It's forgotten. (Smirks, pause:) You know, I was actually flattered that someone with your looks would come on to me. I'd bet all the guys fight over you, huh?

QUINN: (Now gets back into "Regular Quinn" mode, smirks:) Thanks! Weeeell--yeah. But it's so silly for them to do so--even if I don't really mind when they actually do. (Darren looks at her with a perplexed frown in the mirror, while Daria rolls her eyes) Speaking of which, you've probably have had a lot of dates like me, right? (Smirks:) I bet all the girls are after you, huh?

DARREN: (Sighs, apprehensive, thinking of his dead girlfriend, Stephanie, and what's happened since with other girls:) Yes, Quinn, I guess you can kind of say that the girls have been after me. (Quinn smirks, thinking Darren's having the same "problems" as she does)

DARIA: (While on Darren's cell phone:) Nobody's home on the range yet. I guess we're still in the clear.

DARREN: Don't worry, you two--I'll speak up for you if they say anything.

DARIA: How far is the motel where you're staying from here?

DARREN: About 15 minutes.

DARIA: Okay--to pass the time, maybe you can tell us why our parents seemed to be really upset when you talked to them. It must've been one hell of a story you gave them about telling them you're their--son--(adds:) and um, our uh--brother.

DARREN: (Frowns deep in thought, glances at Daria:) You might say that. (Sighs:) I'll give you two the lowdown, but I warn you--it's not for the faint of heart. (Quinn shudders in the back seat, while Daria merely shrugs)

(The "Stopover Motel", about 15 minutes later)

The car arrived in the motel's parking lot. Darren looked back at a crying Quinn, while Daria's expression was (unsurpisingly) unreadable.

DARREN: (Clearly concerned:) Quinn, are you all right? Daria, could you reach in the glove compartment and get some of those fast-food napkins, please? (Daria gets them and gives the napkins to Quinn)

QUINN: (Takes the napkins while sobbing, and wipes her eyes:) I--it's terrible! That--that--creep! How could someone do that? (Frowns:) I hope--I hope he rots in hell! (Daria looks slightly surprised at that comment)

DARREN: Believe me, Quinn--I've had thoughts that were nearly as bad, but what's done is done, and I can't change it. (Pauses, glances over at Daria:) Eh--are you okay, Daria?

DARIA: (Looks at Darren, no expression on face or voice:) I'm fine.

Darren stared at her for a second more, trying to read her emotions (fat chance), then glanced back to Quinn.

DARREN: Um--I'll get my stuff and check out. It'll take a few minutes. (Gets out, goes to his room)

Quinn watched Darren leave, then looked in the front seat at Daria, who simply looked forward without saying a word. Quinn hesitated for a moment, then spoke.

QUINN: (Timidly:) D-Daria? Are you sure you're--

DARIA: (Furious, turns on Quinn:) --Damn it, Quinn, I said I was fine! I mean, Darren's the one you should be asking, not me! (Quinn cringes back in shock:) Why shouldn't both you and me be fine?! We're not the one's who've been deprived from each other by some sick S.O.B., who kept our brother from us for almost twenty years! A brother who could've been there for us, a brother who never had the chance to live in our family because of a bastard's debt! You--(looks at Quinn, suddenly remorseful, shocked that she could react like that:) oh, God, Quinn--(grows quiet, looks pained:) I--I'm sorry. You didn't do anything to me--I--don't know what came over me--I've never been that angry before.

QUINN: (Gives a rare genuine smile at her sister, reluctantly puts a hand on her shoulder:) It--it's okay, Daria. (Nervous chuckle:) Geez, remind me to never get you that mad, okay?

DARIA: (Smirks, resumes normal deadpan tone:) Believe me, you've tempted me a lot of times, "cuz", but I'll save the usual sibling teasing and tormenting for you. (Frowns, looks off into space:) For that slime Turley, killing would've been too good for him, not that it matters now. Let's see--I would've started with a long, arduous, Turkish torture technique that would've eventually broken his legs. Next, I would've pulled out his fingernails, then--

QUINN: (Shuts her eyes, shaking her head in disgust:) --EWWWW! Come on, Daria! Stop it! That's too gross!

DARIA: (Cocks an eyebrow:) Oh, really--and what would you have done to him--recommended an unfashionable makeover on his face?

QUINN: (Rolls her eyes:) Daaaria! I would've just, well--(grows quiet, reconsiders:) gee, I guess anything you said would've been okay. (Daria again looks surprised at this) We really were depraved--

DARIA: --Deprived--

QUINN: --Yeah, whatever, of our brother, weren't we? (Pauses, grows quiet:) What do we do now, Daria? How do we get to know him?

DARIA: (Shrugs:) I guess we just talk to him. (Pauses, looks around:) Ah, Quinn, promise me you won't say anything to Darren or our parents about my little outburst, okay? (Smirks:) After all, the "Misery Chick" has a "reputation" to keep.

(Note to reader: The term "Misery Chick" comes from the 'Daria' episode of the same name, courtesy of Tommy Sherman, of course--or is that "Sheridan"?)

QUINN: Sure, I won't--(gets a scheming smirk on her face:) for a price.

DARIA: (Narrows her eyes:) Why you little--

QUINN: (Talks to an imaginary person, smug:) --Sure, mom, dad, Darren-- Daria really showed a lot of emotion over the adoption story, and--

DARIA: (Curt:) --Okay, fine. I'll drop the two-week chore deal, and we'll call it a draw, capeesh?

QUINN: I don't know what this "capeesh" is exactly, but I heard "draw", and that's good enough for me. (Smirks:) Our deal is sealed.

DARIA: (Glares at Quinn:) Okay, then. (Gets Darren's phone:) I'm trying mom and dad again. (Dials, listens to rings:) Hello, Dad? (Flinches:) Whoa, Dad, calm down, we're fine. (Pauses:) Yeah, Quinn's with me, and we're with Darren. (Another pause:) That's right, Darren--you know, the guy who may be Quinn and mine's brother? (Another pause:) After he checks out. Look, we'll explain when we get back, but you guys have some explaining to do, too. (Another pause:) About your little secret you and mom kept from us over your meeting him. What's that, mom wants to talk to me? (Begins to gently tap the phone:) Um, Dad, we're breaking up, I can't hear you anymore. See ya. (Clicks off the cell phone)

QUINN: (Apprehensive:) I guess they're at home, huh?

DARIA: (Deadpan:) Your sense of deduction hasn't dulled yet, I see. (Sighs:) Well, I hope Darren can rescue us, because there's gonna be hell to pay if he can't.

Darren walked out of the motel with his belongings, and put them in the car's trunk. He got into the car.

DARREN: Everything's taken care of now, you two.

DARIA: If not now, it will be when we get home. I called there, and our parents know we're with you.

DARREN: Hey, it's okay. Like I told you, I'll explain. (Starts up the car:) Since you two are with me, I won't need my map to tell me how to get to your house, so you can show me the way, okay?

About 15 minutes later, Darren's car came to the Morgendorffer's home base, and Darren, Daria, and Quinn got out. Jake bolted out of the house, excited, while Helen came out, and gave her daughters "The Look".

JAKE: Hey, Big Guy! Need any help with your stuff?

DARREN: (Opens the trunk:) Uh, sure, but some of what I have is a little heavy, so be--

JAKE: (Jumps right in and grabs a bag, and he promptly strains to lift it:) HUURGH! You've--got--a--lot--of--stuff--in--here--don't--you?

DARREN: It's some dumbells. I work out.

DARIA: (Starts to walk into the house:) But Quinn is out here, not in your bag.

QUINN: (Glares, follows Daria:) Real funny, Daria.

DARREN: (Quietly chuckles at Daria's remark, sees Jake, goes forward:) Do you need any--

JAKE: (Waves him off, struggling with the bags:) --No--no! I--have--it! (Drags bag and himself in the house)

HELEN: (After leading everyone into the living room:) Daria! Quinn! How did you know where your father and I were, and why did you follow us, and how did you meet Darren?

DARIA: Sorry, Mom, but Quinn and I are sworn to secrecy--you know, "secrecy", a word you and dad have become familiar with? (Helen is about to say something, when Jake speaks)

JAKE: (Very contrite:) Honey, please don't get mad at the girls. I-- accidently let out where we were going this morning while leaving for work.

HELEN: (Really angry:) JAKE! I knew I--(Darren steps in at this point)

DARREN: (Smoothly interjects:)--No offense, but can't we forget about how Daria and Quinn found out what was going on? I told them everything about the adoption and what Doctor Turley did, and quite frankly, they took what I said well. (Pauses:) I just want to enjoy my stay here, okay? (Looks down in Helen's eyes, smiles)

HELEN: (Softens, hugs Darren:) Oh--well, I suppose it's okay, Darren. (Daria raises an eyebrow, and Quinn looks shocked, Jake sighs in relief) Well, son, what do you think about our home?

Darren looked around, and then did a bit of a double-take. This place was--huge for an upper-middle class home, with it's high ceilings and wide-open living room. From what he could see of the kitchen and dining room, it was the same thing. Certainly, it was nowhere near the size of the mansion, but it was an impressive-looking interior nevertheless. Maybe it would not be so bad when his birth family, assuming they were his birth family that he expected them to be after the DNA test, found out about his estimated personal fortune. These people seemed well-off. He smiled out of courtesy to Helen, and spoke.

DARREN: It's really a nice place you have here, very--homey.

HELEN: Thank you, Darren. (Looks at Jake:) JAKE! (Darren flinches at Helen's shout) Don't just stand there! Take Darren's things and show him to his room! I'll serve the lasagna in the dining room, and you all can wash up! (Helen goes back into the kitchen)

JAKE: Huh? Oh, right, dear! C'mon, Big Guy, and follow me! (Strains to pick up Darren's bag, while Darren picks up his other bag and follows Jake, with Daria and Quinn in tow)

DARIA: (Talks to Darren in a low tone:) Hey, how did you do that to mom?

DARREN: (Perplexed, glances back:) Eh? Do what?

QUINN: (Same tone as Daria:) You know, calm her down. God, I've never seen anyone do that to her.

DARIA: Ding-a-ling's right. Mom seems to have developed a soft spot for you--(adds:) quite impressive for someone who just met her.

DARREN: (Surprised:) Really? Well, if everything's on the level about that DNA test tomorrow, then I am her and your dad's son. She might've responded to me like that for that purpose. Besides, I was just trying to bring in some peace for everyone. (Daria ponders this, then smirks at Quinn)

QUINN: (Cocks an eyebrow at Daria, in the low tone:) What?

DARIA: (Leans back to Quinn:) Just thinking on my little "theory" about if our brother had never "died", remember? He'd be a "peacemaker"? (After a moment, Quinn gives a look that says, "Ohhh, yeahhh...")

Jake lead Darren, Daria, and Quinn into the guest room. It was a simple space, with a full-sized bed, a dresser, a closet, and a desk and chair. Jake slid the bag beside Darren's bed, and stretched his back in relief.

JAKE: Here you go, son! There are towels and toiletries in the closet, and the bathroom's right across the hall! (Looks eager, gets up in Darren's face:) Do you need anything else?

DARREN: (Recoils from Jake slightly:) Oh, ah, no, this'll do, thank you.

JAKE: (Thumbs up:) Okay, Big Guy! Don't hesitate to ask for anything! Oh, and dinner is a-comin' up! (Leaves)

DARREN: (Stares after Jake for a moment, looks back at the girls, eyebrows raised:) Is he always--

DARIA: (Deadpan, smirks:) --Yep.

QUINN: (Ditto:) --Uh-huh.

DARREN: (Looks back at where Jake left, slightly concerned, in a whisper:) My God. (Resumes normal tone:) Well, uh, I guess I'll wash up for dinner--

QUINN: (Excited:) --And after dinner, I can show you my room!

DARIA: (Smirks:) Don't kill him with the cuteness in your room, Quinn--he just got here. (Darren looks at Daria inquisitively)

QUINN: (Rolls her eyes, annoyed:) At least it's better than the schizo room you're living in--you'll probably scare Darren out of there when he sees it. (Darren looks at Quinn, begins to grin)

DARIA: (Deadpan:) "Schizo", as in schizophrenia? Hey, you know what my room used to be used for--I, for one, am damned impressed. You haven't been sneaking a peek at the dictionary, have you? (Darren's beginning to chuckle quietly, looks between the two, amused at this exchange)

QUINN: (Makes a disgusted face:) EWWW! You mean like a "brain"? (Waves her off:) Daria, we popular people don't have time for such things--

DARIA: --Of course you popular people don't. You're all so busy being so shallow and phony, and obsessed with your appearance, that even the notion of a looking in a dictionary, possibly opening up those closed-off, peanut-sized brains you all possess would be sacrilegious.

QUINN: (Narrows her eyes at Daria:) I don't know exactly what that means, but--

DARIA: (Smirks:) --Then look it up in a dictionary. It's between "sacrifice" and "sacrosanct", and it's an adjective of "sacrilege". If you wish, I can let you look through mine.

QUINN: (Frustrated, angry:) You're such a loser, Daria! (Looks at Darren:) You see with what I have to put up with? (Leaves Darren's room in a huff)

DARIA: Ah, "loser", the old fallback--(shouts at Quinn in the hallway:) don't ever change, Quinn! (Turns to Darren:) As you can see, Quinn and I get along like typical, teen-age siblings. You can join in on our little disputes anytime you want, you know, to feel right at home.

DARREN: (Laughs:) I think I'll just sit back and watch, okay? I'm kind of new at this sort of thing. (Grows quiet, smiles, thought v.o.: I have two sisters.)

DARIA: (Leaves the room, followed by Darren:) Well, we'd better remove the grit and grime from the ends of our front limbs and join the others to consume nourishment.

DARREN: (Grins:) You mean wash our hands and go to eat?

DARIA: (Smirks:) Hmm--didn't I say that already? (Both go in the bathroom)

Daria and Darren came downstairs to the dining room, where Helen, Jake, and Quinn were sitting at the table waiting for them. Darren and Daria sat down on the same side of the table.

DARIA: (While sitting down at the table, looks around, deadpan:) Wow, we're back in the acclaimed dining room again for the second time in several months. (Looks at Darren:) You should be so honored--you share this distinction with that phony wanna-be teen-ager fashion editor of Val Magazine--Val. (Helen and Quinn glare at Daria, while Jake continues to look at Darren like a grinning idiot)

(Note to reader: See "The Lost Girls" for the "Val" thing, obviously)

DARREN: Yes, I've heard of her. My--(looks at Helen uneasily, checks himself) adopted mother said that she was a bit of a flake. You all met her?

DARIA: Yep--she was an egotisical control freak. (Smirks:) Put her in her place, though. (Gets a portion of lasagna along with Darren)

HELEN: (Curious:) Darren? Did your--(slightly hesitant:) mother work in fashion?

DARREN: Yes ma'am--she was a fashion designer. (Quinn's eyes light up)

QUINN: (Excited:) She was? Wow! What was her name?

DARREN: Um--Grace Coverton.

QUINN: (Looks up:) Grace Coverton--hmm--nope, never heard of her. Was she with any fashion company?

DARREN: (Feeling a little uncomfortable he's going through with this "cover":) She--worked at Circa clothing.

QUINN: (Really excited now:) Circa? The Circa Fashion Company? The Fashion Club raves over their clothes at Cashman's! I'm thinking of going to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in California after high school myself, and then working at Circa.

DARREN: (While eating:) "Fashion Club"? You belong to one at your school?

QUINN: Oh, yeah! There's me, the vice-president, Sandi Griffin, the (sounding slightly disgusted)--president, Tiffany Blum-deckler, our treasurer, and Stacy Rowe, our secretary. We watch out for any fashion no-no's at our school--

DARIA: (Smirks:) --And just about anyone or anything else at school that's a no-no. With your grades, Quinn, going to fashion school is most definitely a no-no. Maybe you should set your sights a little lower, you know, like on packing and stacking clothes in the fashion warehouse? I hear they're always looking for a truck driver, or perhaps you're afraid to break a nail at the wheel or on the pallet jack? (Quinn glares at Daria)

HELEN: (Frowns at Daria:) Daria, that's quite enough. (Looks at Darren, smiles:) Quinn's grades are improving--

DARIA: (Mutters while eating:) --From F's to D's, quite an improvement. (Helen and Quinn look really angry at Daria, while Darren catches this, and tries to diffuse the situation)

DARREN: Uh, I know some of the people that worked with my mother at Circa. Maybe I can talk with someone there and see if I can get you to work as an intern during the next summer before you go to FIDM, or at a branch of Circa near there.

QUINN: (Shocked, estatic, gets up and runs around the table to hug a startled Darren:) Oh, thanks, Darren! I can't wait to tell Sandi and the Fashion Club! (Goes back to her seat, sits down)

HELEN: (Stunned and delighted:) Darren, can you really do that?

DARIA: (Before Darren can speak:) He can if he has a staff and is standing in front of the Red Sea. (Darren tries not to laugh at this, while Quinn looks ready to scream murder. Helen gives a look to Daria that says "Strike Two", and Jake keeps staring at Darren like a grinning idiot)

DARREN: Well, if Quinn has good grades, (Daria smirks a "Yeah, right" look on her face) yes. Let's just say I have some--"clout" with my (adopted) mom's co-workers. (Notices Jake staring at him, looks at Helen and Daria, then quickly looks down at his food:) This is really delicious lasagna--uh, Daria, what do you plan to be?

QUINN: (Before Daria can answer, sneers:) She's just gonna be some dumb writer, or something. (Eats while Helen glares at Quinn)

DARREN: (Smiles, inquisitive:) Really? Are you thinking about being a journalist or an author?

DARIA: (Now a little uncomfortable that she's the center of attention:) Um--maybe a journalist, maybe an author, I'm not sure yet. I've been submitting transcripts to several colleges.

DARREN: Oh? Any one in particular?

DARIA: (Shrugs:) Nah, but I'm trying to narrow it down. (Takes another bite)

JAKE: Hey, Big Guy! (Darren looks at Jake a bit uneasily over the "Big Guy" comment, Daria notices this and gives a slight smirk) What college are you going to?

DARREN: Eastward College. I'm going after a bachelor's degree in business administration. (Daria cocks a slight eyebrow) I had a 3.9 grade point average for this year. (Daria cocks an impressed eyebrow)

HELEN: (Falsetto surprised voice:) Ohhhh! Eastward College! Do you plan to run your own business someday?

DARREN: (Slight smirk:) Um--you might say that.

JAKE: Say, what'd your um--dad do?

DARREN: (Quickly searches for words:) He--worked in computers. He was very good in creating programs for them and repairing them.

HELEN: (After a quick glance at Daria:) Are you involved in any clubs or anything, Darren?

DARREN: I'm just in one right now--the Eastward Alumni Society. We help those whose who graduate find employment, and stay in touch with the college after they get jobs, and we are active in recruiting new students. I probably will wait until my senior year to get into a few more clubs. Right now, my class schedule is just too much.

JAKE: Do ya play any sports, Big Guy?

DARREN: Well, in addition to working out with weights and jogging, I play some tennis and golf, and--

JAKE: (Excited:) --Golf? I love golf! How about you and me play some holes this weekend? (Helen rolls her eyes)

DARREN: Er, um--sure, I guess.

QUINN: (Smirks, looks at Darren:) I can't wait to tell the Fashion Club--

DARIA: --Especially Sandi--

QUINN: --about you, Darren! They're gonna be so jealous I have a gorgeous brother!

DARREN: (Slightly blushes:) Ah, thank you, Quinn, I--

QUINN: (Cuts him off:) --Could I um, borrow your phone, Darren? I gotta tell Larry I won't be going out with him tonight. (Daria, Jake, and Helen look stunned over this) I'll just explain to him that he can take me out another night!

DARREN: Sure, Quinn, it's on its charger in my room. The access code is--

QUINN: --8-7-2-3-*, I know! Thanks! (Gets up, rushes out the kitchen)

HELEN: (Looking annoyed, shouts after Quinn:) Now, Quinn--

DARREN: (Shrugs:) --It's no problem. I guess she wants to get used to having her, uh, big brother help her out.

DARIA: (Smirking:) Either that, or she's just learning how to use you to help her out.

HELEN: (Frowns, ready to explode:) DARIA--

DARREN: (Getting involved again, smoothly interjects:) --Hey, it's all right. I suppose big brothers are there to help out their little sisters, and I don't mind. Really, I don't. (Reaches across table, puts hand on Helen's, which calms her down. Daria cocks an eyebrow)

JAKE: (Looks up, grins like a madman, shakes his fist:) You see, Old Man? I have a son! What do ya think of 'ol Jakey, now, you selfish bastard? (Darren follows Jake's lead and looks around at the ceiling, sees nothing, cuts his eyes back down at Jake while keeping his head in the "up" position and glances at him, eyebrow cocked, and feeling a little rattled by Jake's tirade. Daria looks at Darren and smirks again)

HELEN: JAKE! Will you stop--(her cell phone rings:) helloooo? Ah, Eric, I'm so glad you returned my message. I want to explain why I left work early today. (Pauses:) Nooooo--of course I can come in Saturday for a few hours--

JAKE: (Still looking up in his little tirade:) --That's right, you tyrant, I'm the man, now! Bastard! My son is an extension of me! (Darren turns a little pale over that remark) What do you think about that?

HELEN: (At the same time:) Eric, I have to say--JAKE! Will you stop with the damn--(quickly changes her tone:) oh no, Eric, not you.

DARIA: (Leans over to Darren, lowers her voice:) Are you sure you want that DNA test to be positive? You may regret it.

DARREN: (Stares ahead, blinking, with a blank look on his face:) Um, ah, will you all excuse me for a moment, please? I--think I--left something out in my car. (Gets up and leaves the table, and the moment he gets out of their sight, rushes out the front door)

Darren ran out to the front yard and looked around the upper-middle class neighborhood. He looked up at the now-nighttime sky and then leaned forward against his car, with his arms stretched out, and his hands on its top, looking down.

Then he laughed.

Not just a laugh, oh no, but a laugh, the type of a laugh that could wake the dead, the type of a laugh that could be heard over a roaring crowd at a football game. A laugh that could not be controlled, nor would the person that was doing it would want it to be controlled. Darren was laughing so hard, his face turned red. He bent over holding his stomach, slowly shaking his head, and tears started to form in his eyes. He turned his back on the side of the car, and slid down slowly until he was sitting on the driveway and laying back against the bottom of the car's door, holding his knees. He was so into his laugh that he didn't see Daria come out of the house and look down on Darren's giggling form.

DARIA: (Smirks:) Ahem. Did you find what you were looking for in your car, or did it fall out in the yard?

DARREN: (Caught in mid-laugh, suddenly looks up at Daria, looking like a deer caught in the headlights:) Oh, eh--Daria! (Jumps up:) Look, I'm sorry! I can explain--

DARIA: --There's no need--it's okay. I officially welcome you to the Morgendorffer lunatic asylum. Of course, if you would have left here, I wouldn't have blamed you.

DARREN: (Glances at her for a second, not sure if she's kidding, then wipes his eyes:) I--how can you--

DARIA: --Survive? (Leans back against Darren's car, crosses her arms:) It's quite simple, actually--I just go into my own little world and totally disdain the insanity and stupidity that confronts me everyday of my life, a hell that has lasted until this very day.

DARREN: (Grins, leans against his car like Daria:) Hmm--that simple, huh?

DARIA: Pretty much. Occasionally, I'll come out it and humor myself with the recommended doses of sarcasm used on the unsuspecting recipients of my verbal barbs. You--?

DARREN: (Wipes his eyes again, with a small smile:) I haven't gone through what you have. (Smile begins to fade:) My hell came on me in the span of about two months.

DARIA: (Grows quiet:) I'm--sorry about your--parents dying, Darren.

DARREN: (Looks up at the stars, sighs:) Oh, it's not just that. You see, Daria, I had a girlfriend named Stephanie Reardon. I--loved her. She was very beautiful, and--I was about to ask her to marry me.

DARIA: (Stunned, not knowing what to say:) I--um--

DARREN: (Seemingly talking to himself more than Daria while still looking at the night sky:) --She died of a cerebral hemorrhage. It was so sudden, the bleeding so great on her brain, that the doctors couldn't get to her in time. (Snaps his fingers:) That fast. (Looks now at Daria, with a sad look on his face, voice low:) You know, that happened only a little over a month before my (adopted) parents died.

DARIA: (Searches for words, looks down, even more shocked:) Darren--I--I don't know what to say--

DARREN: --It's okay. I never told anyone other than my (adopted) parents, best friend, and aunt that I was going to marry her. You're the first person outside of those people to hear that. (Hesitates, stares down at her, frowns to himself for a moment:) I don't know why I told you that, Daria. (Pauses:) I also don't know why I saying this--but, well--there's something about you that I can--trust. (Daria looks down, shocked and blushes a little after hearing this) Silly, isn't it? I mean, I just met you and your family! (Chuckles quietly:) I didn't know what to expect when I did, except I didn't think it was--well, so funny. (Looks off:) I guess I just needed to laugh. I held a lot of pain inside of me for awhile, and my--well--possible birth family provided the impetus to let out my pain by laughter. (Chuckles again, this time a little louder:) I hope you don't think that I've gone off the deep end.

DARIA: (Gets back to her usual sardonic self, Mona Lisa smile:) If you have, I can tell you that you're right at home here--no pun intended there. (Looks at watch while Darren grins:) Hey, it's getting pretty late. You wanna go in, or add some more laughter out here?

DARREN: Nah. I'm all laughed out like that for tonight--(pauses, looks at Daria uneasily, wonders if he should say something to her about his real identity:) uh, Daria?

DARIA: (About to walk into the house, turns around:) Yes?

DARREN: (Ponders:) Never mind. I can tell you later. (Daria cocks an eyebrow, then goes into the house, followed by Darren)

Daria and Darren walked into the living room and saw Jake and Helen watching the late news on the TV while sitting on the couch. Both had just cleaned the kitchen up, and had put the dishes in the dishwasher. Daria kept going, and Darren waved at both, who returned the wave. Daria walked upstairs, while Darren, who was about to follow her, stopped at the bottom of the stairs and cocked an eyebrow at what he saw on the screen--it showed William Appleton in the front of the mansion giving a press conference, surrounded by a horde of reporters.

WILLIAM: --And I think that Appleton Industires will continue to thrive with me at the helm.

REPORTER: What's happened to Arthur Appleton, Jr.? Is he going to come back and take over the company from you? Rumor has it that you're a "temporary" figurehead.

WILLIAM: (Gives a bit of a glare at the reporter, then rapidly regains his composure:) Arthur is on extended leave following the deaths of his parents. My God, what's wrong with you people? My nephew's in pain and all you care about is the company? Look, I ask you all to give my nephew some room to mourn, that's all. Can't you do that for awhile? (Faux dramatic look:) Please?

JAKE: (Gets angry:) Yeah, damn it, why don't you vultures leave that kid alone?

HELEN: Now, Jakey, I'm sure that they'll give that young Appleton man plenty of space and time to mourn--if they don't, then he can always sue them for harassment. (Pauses:) Hmm--I'd better keep a note on that in case he needs a good law firm to do so. (Gets a pen and pad from her folder and writes it down, notices Darren, voice grows low:) Darren, I suppose you know how that young man feels, don't you? He--

DARREN: --Lost his parents, too. (Grows quiet, goes up stairs:) I know exactly how he feels, Helen. (Helen watches him go up with a sad look on her face)

Darren went down the hallway when he saw an excited Quinn come out of her room and grab his wrist. She practically jerked him in and shut the door just as Daria was coming out of the bathroom and saw what had happened. Daria went up to Quinn's door and spoke.

DARIA: (Deadpan:) Insects, Quinn! Insects!

Quinn ran up to the door from her side and promptly returned the verbal barb:

QUINN: Emotions, Daria! Emotions!

Darren stared at Quinn, completely lost.

QUINN: (Turns back to Darren:) Um--Daria and I have a joke that we've got going between us, you know. It's kinda--private.

DARREN: (Looks at Quinn with a perplexed frown on his face:) I--see.

QUINN: (Walks past Darren to the center of her room beside her bed, arms stretched out, twirls around:) Well, what do you think of my room?

Darren looked around. Daria wasn't far off when she had said Quinn's room was cute, in fact, it seemed to be the epitome of cuteness. There was a pink dresser on his left that had various make-up items lying on it. The room contained several stuffed animals, both on the carpeted floor and on her bed. A bulletin board was on the far wall, with a huge amount of notes on it. In the far corner, there were several mirrors in almost a hexagonial shape (similar to a clothing store), and on his right, a gumball machine. On the right wall above the gumball machine, posters of some handsome young male models and movie stars were proudly displayed, and, in the middle of the room, against the right wall, was a full-sized canopy bed. Pure cuteness, all right. Quinn leaped on her bed and looked at Darren adorably while lying on her stomach and resting her face in the palms of her hands on her elbows, and crossing her legs. Darren looked further to his right and saw a chair, and sat down.

(Note to reader: For Quinn's room, see "The Daria Diaries", the same for Daria's room. I wrote this in case someone out there doesn't have the book)

DARREN: (Looks around:) It--looks--cute, Quinn.

QUINN: (Still excited:) Yeah, I know! Do you want any gumballs, Darren?

DARREN: (Looks around uncomfortably:) Uh, sure. (Quinn reaches over and gets some out, gives them to Darren, goes back to her previous position) Thank you.

QUINN: (Smirks:) Now, you and me have to really talk, bro.

DARREN: (Eyebrow raised, privately surprised while chewing the gumballs, thought v.o.: Did I just hear Quinn directly call me her "bro"? Should I say something about--no--maybe I should wait until later:) Er--what about, Quinn?

QUINN: (Sing-songy laugh:) About our burdens, silly!

DARREN: Burdens? (Confused:) What burdens?

QUINN: (Playfully rolls her eyes:) You knooow--about looking cute! Having everyone liking you because of your looks and everything. Why, I just had to tell this guy Larry that I couldn't go out with him, and he just cried, and I had to kinda calm him down. Is it that way with you when girls ask you out? I think people like us have a curse of being so good looking, we have to beat the ordinary-looking people off, and I--

Darren just stared at Quinn with a phony grin and inwardly groaned.

(Scene changes to Daria's room, about ten minutes later)

Daria was on her bed, propped up on her pillow. She had her diary and pen that she had taken out of her strongbox that was in her closet, in her hand. She had tried to watch some TV, but there was nothing on, at least not until Sick, Sad World would come on in a few minutes. Daria decided to write in her diary until Darren would arrive.

DARIA: (Thought v.o.: Leave it to Quinn to shanghi Darren. Oh well, maybe Quinn's boring self-gratification will drive him out before he goes insane. If not, maybe he and I can put Quinn out of her misery.) (Starts writing in her diary:)

From the "so-called" diary of one Daria Morgendorffer:

How do I put this? Oh yeah. I have a brother, or so it seems that I do, pending a DNA test that he and my parents will take tomorrow. His name is Darren Coverton. I don't know exactly how to put what I feel in words, especially since feeling hasn't been a part of the Daria Morgendorffer vocabulary, or anything else about me, save for my writing. This--"Darren" seems to be a nice guy, which could hurt him from my point of view because "nice" is something that I have a hard time doing when it comes to my family--quite an insane thing for me to do, this--"nice". However, recent events have caused me to question my sanity. Helping out my parents when I found out about what they thought was a miscarriage that mom had. Helping Jane and Tom patch up their differences. My little "outburst" at Quinn. Am I, Daria Morgendorffer, growing nice and/or soft? Please say it ain't so.

But for some reason, I don't think it'll be so bad having a brother. For one, he can keep Quinn and me apart. I remember telling Quinn that Darren was a peacemaker--his presence in our house has immediately done several things--(1) Quinn broke a date to be with him! Thought I'd never see the day that would happen again since she lucked up on writing that stupid essay on "Academic Imprisonment" by breaking a date with that guy Corey. Quinn also hugged Darren on her own--now that is a story in itself, especially since the only people she lets hug her are the guys she goes out with--and that's only if she allows them to. (2) Mom's behavior. I'd never seen her get so quiet when Darren stepped in and defended us from her wrath. He defended me when mom was about to go ballistic in the kitchen. Hmm--perhaps when I cut all of Quinn's hair off one day, I can hide behind Darren, and mom will forgive me. (3) Dad's behavior. He just looked at Darren without saying a word. Dad didn't even read the newspaper at the table while we were eating tonight. That hasn't happened since our parents told Quinn and I could've had a brother--which, apparently, we do--unless, for some reason, that DNA test turns out negative. Wait'll Jane hears about this--it should be one hell of a story for her to take in.

More than anything else, I was shocked over what he said about a girl he knew named Stephanie Reardon, and what he said about her. He's going through more pain than I can imagine. Maybe I can--

There was a knock on the door.

DARIA: (Raises her voice:) If it's the guys in the white coats, you can just leave me here and change the plain 'ol wooden door to a 12 inch steel one. You can also put the bars back on my windows. I do, however, reserve the right for bathroom privileges, unless you want to send in the bedpan. Now as for food--

HELEN: (From outside Daria's door:) Daria! It's your mother, and I have Jane here on the phone!

DARIA: (Sighs, talks low to herself:) Crap, I forgot to call her. (Raises voice, gets up:) Hang on. (Puts diary[?] under her pillow:) Come on in. (To which Helen does)

HELEN: (Gives Daria the phone:) Where's Darren?

DARIA: Thanks. Guess--Quinn's kidnapped him in her room and is boring him to death, probably telling him about how cute she is and such--we may have to call the undertaker to come and get him.

HELEN: (Exaggerated sigh at Daria:) I wanted to tell him that his grandmothers and your aunts want to meet him, and they'll be here sometime next week. Your father and I have decided to cancel the trip to the beach. (Daria gives something of a tiny relieved smile) Oh well, I'll wait until he and Quinn bond first. (Starts to leave)

DARIA: (While covering the speaker part of the phone:) You'd better hope Quinn hasn't tried to bond with him using her so-called "charm", which is her super glue, otherwise, we'll never get him back. (Helen sighs and rolls her eyes as she shuts Daria's door, and Daria takes her hand off the speaker part of the phone) Hey, sorry I hadn't called you yet--you might say something really big came up.

JANE: (Sounding subdued:) Yo, it's no problem.

DARIA: (Narrows her eyes:) Um--you okay? You seemed to be sounding a bit down.

JANE: (Sighing sound:) Yeah, I am--Tom and I--broke up.

DARIA: (Shocked:) What do you mean, "broke up"? Are you serious?

JANE: (In a low voice:) Oooh, yeah.

DARIA: (Searches for words:) But--how--why?

JANE: After I talked to you, I tried to call Tom the next day at the time you told me. He wasn't there. "Okay", I said, "I'll wait until the next time." The following day, I called again. Finally, he came on, saying that he had to work late, and he couldn't get back to me in time. I offered to give him my number and time to call me, which he took, and we then talked.

DARIA: Annnnd--?

JANE: Tom apologized for laughing at my painting of him, which I accepted. He said we shouldn't have argued over such a silly matter, anyway. I told him it wasn't silly, that the painting represented my feelings for him, just as I told you. He kind of chuckled and said that I was kind of overreacting, to which I said that I was doing no such thing. He told me to calm down, and I--just launched into another area of our relationship.

DARIA: (Perplexed frown:) Another area of your relationship--?

JANE: (Sounding a little bitter:) Yeah, such as talking out things, like Tom wanting to tell me what college he thought I should go to. He said he thought we agreed on Leeville Community College, you know, someplace near where he worked and not too far from his family, and where he'd go after getting out of prep school. I wondered where in the hell he came up with that idea. He said I told him when we went out one night. I can say clearly that I don't remember that. Tom added that he thought that we should talk about something like this when I got back, and not over the phone, to which I said why he should do all the thinking in our relationship? I mean what am I, some sort of damn brainless puppet for him, lying around to have my strings pulled by him? (Pauses:) It never occurred to me until that instant: Tom likes to control me--maybe he doesn't know that he's actually doing it, but I think that's what's going on here.

DARIA: (Rolls her eyes:) Oh, come on.

JANE: No, think about it, Daria. I remember once when he and I went to the Zen for one of Mystik Spiral's gigs. He told me to not eat those tacos they serve there because they made my breath smell--in and of itself an insensitive thing to say, and guess what? I did anyway just to see what would happen, and he didn't kiss me that night--even after I popped a mint in my mouth.

DARIA: (Sarcastic deadpan:) Oh, wow. Because of some tacos, you two are now broken up. I'd sue Taco Bell, if I were you--you wanna let me go and get my mom?

JANE: (Sounding angry:) Hey! I wanted to add that he didn't kiss me because he was angry that I didn't do what he wanted me to do. I looked at him a little funny, and I let it slide, because at the time, it was trivial. Then there was the time we went to the movies. Tom told me what movie we were going to see, and he thought I'd like it. We ended up seeing his movie--a macho-guy flick. (Adds:) Don't you see, girl? There's a pattern developing here!

DARIA: (Thinks for a moment, then speaks:) Look, maybe you two should let yourselves cool down and talk to each other after you come back. I can't believe you two can't get past this.

JANE: (In a quiet tone:) I told him I wanted this relationship to end, and he practically begged me to think it over.

DARIA: See? There you have it. Give it a chance, and air out your concerns. Don't throw away a chance that you may regret--(grows pale:) oh, God.

JANE: Huh? What?

DARIA: I'm beginning to sound a little like a marriage counselor, or one of those daytime talk show hosts. Look, just talk to him when you get back, okay?

JANE: (Pauses after a moment:) Um, okay, but I'm not promising anything.

DARIA: Fair enough. (Changes tone:) Now, how's everything going down there in Sandsville?

JANE: Painting and pottery, baby, painting and pottery. Plus, a little sightseeing thrown in. I'll show you my work when I get back, and before you ask, my mom and I are bonding. She showed me how some of the Hopi did their pottery, and some of her Native American friends took me out in the desert to watch a tribal dance. All-in-all, a somewhat rewarding experience. You--?

DARIA: (Sounding nonchalant, which is easy for her:) Eh, the usual bug-the-hell-out-of-Quinn-and-my-parents, and reading and writing to get past my boredom. (Pauses:) Oh yeah, and the brother me, Quinn, and my parents thought was dead is actually alive and all grown up, that's all. (Suddenly flinches from the phone because she hears a tapping sound from the other end:) Hey, what the hell--?

JANE: --I'm sorry, I believe we're having a communication problem. (Snickering sound:) I thought I heard you say that the baby who could have been your older brother you and Quinn had thought for dead was actually alive and grown up. That can't be, right?

DARIA: (Dead serious tone:) No joke, Lane. I'm serious as a heart attack, and I don't mean my dad's. Pending a DNA test tomorrow, it'll be official.

(Note to reader: See "Jake of Hearts" for Jake's heart attack)

JANE: (Sounding stunned after a very long pause:) You're--not kidding?

DARIA: (Smirks:) Nope. His name's Darren, and to be frank with you, it's a long story, a little too long to talk about it over the phone. You'll have to come back and let me tell you face-to-face, and you can meet him yourself.

JANE: (Sounding her disbelief:) Well, I'll be damned. (After another long pause:) Um--who does he look like, Helen or Jake?

DARIA: Actually a little more like mom, with a bit of dad's chin. He thinks we're funny and a little crazy, with my family on the crazy part, and me on the funny part. As you can imagine, mom and dad have gone wild over him, and Quinn even--(checks herself:) um--thought he was "nice-looking".

JANE: (Snorting sound:) Did she now? It's a wonder "Tinkerbell" didn't come on to him! Now that would've been funny! (Laughs)

DARIA: (Smirks, decides to keep her word to Quinn:) Yeah--funny.

JANE: So, ah--what do you think of this "Darren" fellow?

DARIA: I think he's--okay. I guess you can say he's a nice guy. He seems to be able to control my mom's belicosity, and mesmerize my dad--there's a stunning surprise, as well as excite Quinn--little sister plans to use Darren as a club to wield on Sandi Griffin's head, I'm sure about that. (Rolls her eyes:) She'll probably brag about Darren's "looks" to her "friends"--

JANE: --Oh, ho! So he really is a looker, eh?

DARIA: (Smirks:) I'm not worried about you making a move on my brother, Jane--not with "Tommy Boy" in the wings. So, hop to it, my dear, and call him.

JANE: (Voice snapping to attention like a soldier:) Yes ma'am! I'll get right on it, ma'am! (Wicked snickering sound:) Speaking of calls, has Trent called you yet? You know, to tell you that he's being "careful" out there?

DARIA: (Deadpan:) Heh. Amusing. No, I haven't heard a word from him since he and Mystik Spiral left on their "Magical Mystery Tour". It's been pretty quiet around here, save for "Big Brother's" appearance.

(Note to reader: The "tour" Daria's talking about is not the same tour based on the excellent series done by one Crazy Nutso--just thought I'd add that note to clear up any confusion you might have, thank you.)

JANE: Okay--so noted. That should be one hell of a story about your brother that I want to hear. (Daria smirks at this, having wrote the same thing in her so-called diary) How's the Lane fortress?

DARIA: It's okay. I'm checking the locks and I'm feeding the cats. The post office is keeping your mail. That kid that lives next door to you guys is mowing your lawn, and I'm gonna go over there tomorrow morning and go through my customary checks.

JANE: (Sincere-sounding tone:) Okay. Thanks, Daria--I owe you.

DARIA: (Mona Lisa smile:) No problem--make sure that you send that money order on time, okay?

JANE: (Laughing sound:) Later. (Hangs up)

Daria was about to go back to writing in her diary(?) when there was a knock on her door.

DARIA: (Raised voice:) Is that you, Death? If it is, I'm ready to go.

VOICE: (Chuckles:) Sorry to disappoint you, but I've been told you're going to live forever trapped with the "hell" that is your family.

DARIA: (Smirks, puts her diary [?] back under her pillow, sits up on her bed:) One more crack like that, and I'll send you back to Quinn. You may enter, Darren.

Darren entered Daria's room and was immediately shocked--this room was the complete opposite of Quinn's. As he slowly panned around with his eyes and mouth wide open, he noticed that just about the entire room, save for the ceiling, and a part of the right wall, was covered in gray padding. On the part of the wall with no padding, was a poster with the bones of an partially unearthed human on it, and beneath the poster was a support bar. In the far corner of the floor was a box of a human skull and bones. (Darren assumed they weren't real) Above the box, bolted up in the corner, was a TV. Darren noticed that Daria also had a TV on a stand as well. Beside her bed, Daria's dresser had a model of a wedge of swiss cheese, as well as one of the human heart. On the windows, Darren noticed sawed-off bars. Finally, he looked to his left and saw that Daria had a computer on her desk right inside of the door. Darren pulled the chair out and turned it towards Daria, and sat slowly down, at a complete loss for words.

DARIA: (Sinister grin:) Welcome to my world. Before you ask, the TV bolted up in the corner is for decorative purposes only--it doesn't work. Well now--what do you think of my room?

DARREN: (Gathers his thoughts, looks around:) Oh, for some reason, it's you. (Smiles:) Your sense of irony is quite wicked, I've got to admit.

DARIA: (Perplexed:) What do you mean?

DARREN: That while my birth parents and Quinn seem, no offense--wacky, and you seem to be the sane one, that you're the one in here.

DARIA: (Smirks, deadpan:) Then I've done my job impressing you. I just live for irony.

DARREN: (Chuckles:) I can imagine.

DARIA: How'd you escape Quinn?

DARREN: Actually, Quinn gave me an out--she got so carried away with talking about herself, guys, and this--"Fashion Club", that she eventually fell asleep. I then slipped out and came in here.

DARIA: Yeah, Quinn never gets tired of talking about those three things. I'm surprised you were able to stand her going on like that.

DARREN: (Shrugs:) I'm used to my professors lecturing in class. Quinn was no different. (Pauses:) Daria, I meant to ask her something, but I wasn't able to get in a word edgewise, so I'll ask you.

DARIA: (Eyebrow cocked:) What?

DARREN: Earlier tonight, when you first saw Quinn and me talking at the mall, you came up and Quinn said you were her cousin. What was that all about?

DARIA: (Looks uncomfortable for a moment, but then a thought v.o.: "Why the hell not?":) Look, Darren, I'll level with you. Quinn believes because of the way I dress and act, I'll somehow embarass her in front of her friends, so she makes up a story, which she uses for everyone at my school, especially in front of her Fashion Club "cohorts", that I'm her "cousin". She believes that somehow my "deepness" will corrupt her "shallowness", and drive away all her friends.

DARREN: (Shocked:) That's--terrible.

DARIA: Well, yeah--and the thing about it is, and you'd better not say anything to anyone about this--(Darren shakes his head, "no") but Quinn is a lot smarter than she wants us to think. I think she can do better in school, but she thinks that being a "brain" will affect her "popularity".

DARREN: (Deep in thought:) I see--but surely she has to know she needs good grades to get into the Fashion Institute? What does she expect, to just waltz in there and enroll with no problem?

DARIA: (Sighs:) I don't think Quinn wants to cross that bridge until she gets to it. By that time, it could be too late. Remember when I made that crack at the table about her "improving" grades? I wasn't kidding. For a while there, mom and dad were sweating bullets. I sat back and watched to see if the little sprite would make it or go to summer school, and damned if she didn't barely pass. It was way too close for comfort.

DARREN: Maybe she'll crack down on her books for her junior year--

DARIA: --And maybe I'll just grow a beard, and become a circus oddity. Look, I think Quinn's gonna have to see how rough real life is, and then see the importance of a good education.

DARREN: (Cocked eyebrow:) I--suppose my offer to get her work at Circa was wrong?

DARIA: No, I just think Quinn's gonna believe that everything can be handed to her without really working for it. (Narrows her eyes at Darren:) Can you definitely get Quinn that job?

DARREN: (Speaks with a certainty in his voice:) Oh, yes I can--and I really believe that I can help Quinn--

DARIA: --If she wants to help herself.

DARREN: Well, while I'm here, I'll definitely encourage her to hit her books for her junior year, and stress the importance of getting good grades. (Looks down at Daria's desk, notices college brochures, especially the one for Eastward College on top, delightfully surprised:) You're considering Eastward College?

DARIA: (Looking a little uncomfortable:) Well, yeah. In fact, it's on the top of my list of the colleges I want to go to. I heard it has an excellent journalistic major, and the campus is pretty quiet.

DARREN: (Grins, excited:) Oh, you don't know the half of it. It's in the middle of nowhere, but not so far that you can't go somewhere. It's only 25 miles from New York City. The campus is not only quiet, but also very beautiful, located in the middle of a forest. There's also plenty of college activities you can get involved in, if you want.

DARIA: (Shakes her head slowly:) Nope. I don't do school activities. I'm no joiner. Involvement with any of the popular people is hazardous to my health. Isolation--it's the answer for we of the recluse society. I've found out that participating in such activites have resulted in, shall we say, humiliating personal experiences for myself.

DARREN: (Grows quiet:) Oh. (Thought v.o.: That's why Helen looked over at Daria when Helen asked me about my extracurricular activities at Eastward--she's apparently tried to include Daria in some as well.) (Decides not to press the issue:) To be honest with you, I had the chance to join more clubs, but I'm going very slowly to get into the activities of Eastward. My education is the most important thing to get.

DARIA: I hear you there. I want to get a good job and get away from and through my teen-age years. For my senior year at Lawndale High, I want to concentrate on more of my writing to submit to colleges. (Looks away:) It's probably a safe bet that I'm not going to Eastward because of the cost of tuition, even with a full scholarship.

DARREN: (Alarmed:) Hey, whoa, hold on there a second. I can talk to some of the alumni there, and they can help you.

DARIA: (Raises an eyebrow, smirks:) First Quinn, and now me? What are you, some sort of "godfather" who just snaps his fingers and gets things done?

DARREN: (Becomes careful here, realizes he may have overstepped his bounds, compensates:) No--no--just--that I can help you--financially. (Adds quickly:) Uh, you know, financial aid, with a Pell Grant. I can get some--information on how you can get enough money to go to Eastward. It's not out of the question to go, don't give up just yet.

DARIA: From what I've heard, Eastward's room-and-board cost per semester can buy a small house, and that doesn't include food. (Ponders for a second:) Say, how can you afford to live on campus?

DARREN: I--live off campus with my aunt, and my--(adopted) parents had some money, as well as in their will they left for me. We have--plenty of room where we live. (Hesitates, then goes on:) You can live there with us, if you want, you know, while going to Eastward.

DARIA: (Surprised:) Um, I wouldn't want you to put you and your aunt out--

DARREN: (Chuckles at the rather absurd thought:) Oh, you wouldn't put us out, believe me. (Smiles:) At least think about it.

DARIA: (Hesitates:) Ah--sure, okay. (Searches for words:) Sooo--what's your aunt's name?

DARREN: (Pauses for a moment, decides to tell partly:) Millie--um, Millie Coverton. You might say she's my favorite aunt. She's been living with me and my--(adopted) parents since she was divorced. She had no children--said I was the closest she wanted to having some. Aunt Millie changed her last name back to her maiden name after the divorce.

DARIA: Whoa. I guess the divorce was bitter, huh?

DARREN: A--little. She and her ex-husband, Jim, who I still consider as my uncle, are now friends.

DARIA: (Smirks:) So, I guess she doesn't hate men, right?

DARREN: (Perplexed:) Uh, no--I think she's gotten on with her life by seeing other guys--say, why'd you ask that?

DARIA: My science teacher, Ms. Barch, had a hell of a bitter divorce, and since then, has declared war on all of the male species--save for my English teacher, Mr. O'Neill, whom she has a thing for. She gives all of her female students passing marks, while the male students are lucky enough to barely pass.

DARREN: (Mildly frowns:) Now, that doesn't seem fair.

DARIA: (Shrugs:) Eh, but at least they're passing, I guess. (Changes subject:) Ah, you said while we were outside the house you had a best friend--

DARREN: (Nods:) --Curtis Watley, my good buddy. He goes to Eastward with me, and we hang out together. He's in Florida now, visiting his grandmother, and his girlfriend, Lena. He's majoring in engineering. You have a buddy?

DARIA: Yeah, Jane Lane, an aspiring artist, and my "Partner In Crime". She and her mom are out in the Southwest on vacation, and they won't be back for two-and-a-half weeks. Her brother Trent Lane, is a musician for a group he's in, called Mystik Spiral, and they're out on some sort of a self-promotional tour, and won't be back for a few more days. I'm keeping an eye out on their home until they get back.

DARREN: I look forward to meeting your friends. (Looks around:) So, you said you want to be a writer--may I see some of your work?

DARIA: (A bit nervous, a little wide-eyed:) Um, sure, but I'm going to warn you--my writing is kind of dark. (Gets up, goes to her closet, pulls out a box full of her papers, some in notebook form, and gives it to Darren:) Here you go--enjoy.

DARREN: Thank you. (Gets out a notebook from the box, places it on Daria's desk, sits down, and starts to read it)

DARIA: Do you mind if I turn on the TV? I'll keep it down so it won't disturb you.

DARREN: (Reading Daria's writing intensely, barely looks up:) Hmmm? Oh, no, it's okay.

Daria clicked on Sick, Sad World, and sat back down on her bed.

TV ANNOUNCER: (While theme music is playing:) Will there be an invasion from Atlantis? Finicky Fish People--A Sick, Sad World exclusive, next!

DARREN: (Looks up at the TV for a moment, grins:) I've seen that show a few times. It's really funny. (Goes back through Daria's work)

DARIA: Yeah, funny and pathetic in describing our world. It's my favorite show.

DARREN: (While still reading:) Daria, this is really good. I like the way you wrote about the "Darkness that tortured your soul". It really stabs at the heart.

DARIA: (Cocks an eyebrow in surprise, cutting her eyes sideways at Darren:) You're not offended or afraid by what you're reading?

DARREN: (Looks directly at Daria:) Yes, and that's why I like it. Writing is supposed to move the reader, to create an image in the reader's mind, to convey what's on the writer's mind. This definitely does that. By reading this, I can tell that your vision of the world is clearly one of brutal reality. (Puts aside notebook, gets another one out of the box)

DARIA: (Now looking directly at Darren:) Let me get this straight--you think my work is one of brutal reality?

DARREN: (While still reading:) Pretty much so--but it's an honest type of brutal reality--something one can appreciate. At least one can know where you stand on an issue.

DARIA: (Looks back to the TV, quietly impressed with Darren's assessment of her writing:) Well, yeah, I guess--you might say honesty is really important to me.

Darren stared uncomfortably at Daria for a second, then went back to reading. For the next hour, neither said a word until Sick, Sad World went off the air. Daria turned off the TV, while Darren was finishing up reading Daria's work. He put the box back into the closet for her, and prepared to leave Daria's room.

DARREN: Daria, I'm no expert, but I think your writing is terrific. If you'll let me, I would like to run off a few copies to take back with me so I can show some of your writing to the dean of the journalistic department, I think he'll be impressed.

DARIA: (Hesitant:) Well, okay, but promise me that you'll show them to the dean only. I'm--kind of possessive about my work. I know it kind of sounds creepy--

DARREN: (Cuts her off:) --No, no, it's understandable you'd feel that way, because you want to protect your writing from being plagiarized.

DARIA: (Shrugs:) That and the fact that my writing kind of is me. It makes me feel a little--exposed if others see it.

DARREN: (Looking sheepish:) Oh. Don't worry--I'll keep it low key. But don't blame me if the word gets out that your writing is wonderful.

DARIA: (Smirks:) Well, if people start breaking out in song and sing their praises unto me, I'm gonna have to go postal and shoot everyone. I think that'll keep my reputation in tact.

DARREN: (Laughs:) Tell me when that occurs--I want to be as far away as possible when you do.

DARIA: (Shakes her head slowly:) No can do. In fact, you'll be front and center--you're the one who started the ball rolling.

DARREN: (Grins:) Hmph. Figures--I get nothing but trouble for my efforts. Thanks a lot.

DARIA: Don't mention it. (Looks at alarm clock on her dresser:) Hey, it's almost midnight. You're still gonna get up and drag yourself out of bed to jog tomorrow morning?

DARREN: I try to stay to my regimen.

DARIA: (Deadpan:) Same here. I have to get ready for my regimen of sarcasm and put downs for tomorrow. (Darren chuckles at this while opening Daria's door) You know, my friend Jane jogs, too.

DARREN: (Raises eyebrows:) Really? (Shrugs:) Well, maybe we can jog together, and she can show me her jogging routes.

DARIA: (Smirks:) Oh, I don't know if her boyfriend Tom will like that.

DARREN: (Gives Daria an "Oh, I see" look:) Ah, of course. I guess I can find my own routes, then. Do the Lanes live far away from here?

DARIA: Nope, just several houses down from us. (Note to reader: Read "The Daria Diaries") (Daria pauses:) Say, I'm going over there tomorrow morning to check on their house while they're gone. You want to come with me when I go, you know, after you finish jogging, and we eat breakfast?

DARREN: Are you sure they won't mind me being there with you?

DARIA: Nah--unless you plan to blow up the place, in which case I'll have to help you. Jane and Trent won't mind, it'll be okay, and I can show you some of Jane's art.

DARREN: (Thinks:) It's set, then--I'm going to have a busy day tomorrow. (Pauses:) Well, I'm going to call my aunt and tell her I'm fine--see you. Goodnight. (Leaves)

DARIA: Goodnight. (Shuts door behind him, gives a slight smile)

Daria changed into her "Mark Twain" pullover pajama shirt and pulled out her diary(?) and pen from under her pillow, and began to write again:

Maybe I can actually get along with another relative other than my Aunt Amy. Darren told me he likes my writing, and will talk to the dean of journalism on my behalf. Dare I dream to go to Eastward, and even more, with the man who may be my brother? I wonder if Darren can really get Quinn an internship where his--mom worked. Well, I guess anything's possible--and I suppose I'll join the damn Fashion Club tomorrow, and replace Quinn as the vice-president, and scheme to outdo Sandi. Speaking of Quinn, maybe the little princess was right (I write to myself sickeningly,) about the "gift" she thought she was getting from our parents--just that instead of some sort of dumb dress or shoes, it's a brother. If that DNA test is correct, then he is our brother. Until I survive another hell-filled day--well, maybe made a little less hell-filled by Darren, I'll see you tomorrow, my so-called diary.

Slightly smirking, Daria locked her diary(?) in her strongbox, and put it back in her closet, then clicked out the light and went to bed.