Part 2: Back To School
ACT III.
Scene 1:
[Daria stands in front of Lawndale High School. A sense of dread falls over her, not so much as she hated her high school years but mostly that the building doesn't look that good since the time she first walked in. She goes in Li's office and sits in the chair across from the desk. Crossing her legs and wearing her shades, she feels as an equal adult and not a high school student. But shortly into the conversation, Ms. Li sees it as the opposite.]Li: Now Ms. Morgendoffer....surely you can see that it would be appreciateing that you would give us a little speech at the reunion. After all, had it not been for Lawndale High you would not be a successful novelist.
Daria: I'm sure gave me much more than four years of college and actual experience ever did.
Li: You were always a very interesting person Ms. Morgendoffer, especially with your graduation speech which by the way only a select few honor students ever had the privilege to give. How exactly did you ended it...something about being glad never to see their faces again?
Daria: At least no one can accuse me of being a liar.
Li: Ahaha... Of course being older and wiser you won't provide any more of those "antics", also your fellow classmate Jodie is the president for the Class of 2000, which is a very high position.
Daria: Come now, we all know high school councils and class presidents have no real power...
Li: A very clever observation, since it is the school board that makes all the decisions. And in the short future, I shall be named District Supervisor. I may be able to swing things in your favor Ms. Morgendoffer.
Daria: What sort of "favors"?
Li: The new high school we will be building next year shall have a much larger library, and what would be a better honor than to have it dedicated to a bestselling author who once attended Lawndale. And you know exactly who I am talking about...
Daria: Didn't the school one time had a similar dedication to a popular football player who once attended here, and he got killed by the goal post which was put up in his honor? As I recalled, the lawsuits were hot and heavy at the time.
Li: I assure you that sort of episode will never happen again...
Daria: I've been noticing that these little "homecomings" have some sort of motives for the school.
Li: You've been out in the real world for some time, you know what the rules are. Play the game right and you get rewards. And what could be a much greater reward other than the "Daria Morgendoffer School Library."
Daria: Now such a great favor as this entails another favor on my part, am I correct?
Li: You do cut to the chase. Just give the little speech and walk away, you do not have to return to Lawndale ever if so you wish.
Daria: Sounds simple enough...
Li: And to make it even more simpler, we have it written out for you.
Daria: That hardly taps into my profound skills at all.
Li: Just some things about how you became a success through hard work and dedication and going to Lawndale High made it all possible. Plus some stuff about your classmates helping you through it all...
Daria: And what sort of fairy tale did this come out of? I should introduce you to my mother, you both have so much in common.
Li: It's interesting that you would bring up you mother Helen. We knew each other well right up to the Hoopterman trial. She's been at the wrong place and the wrong time.
Daria: I don't think this has anything to do with my mother.
Li: We...meaning the school board worked very closely with Mr. Hoopterman. When allegations of illegal money exchanging happened with his contracting company, why we simply had to cut loose. Deals go bad as this and one must get rid of the loose ends. And Helen Morgendoffer just took a very hard fall as a result of being too close.
Daria: Interesting you use those choice of words, "took a fall".
Li: Unless there's evidence that proves otherwise, she sits a guilty woman in prison possibly for the rest of her life.
Daria: Apparently...
Li: We trust that you will attend the reunion tonight. Feel free to enjoy yourself and reacquaint yourself with fellow classmates.
Daria: Hard to do both.
Li: And of course you will look over the speech we have written for you...
[Li slides a paper to Daria who then looks at it and puts it in her pocket.]
Daria: So what if I don't read your little speech, what if I tell you whole lot to go shove it?
Li: Well then...it would be very hard to dedicate a school library to someone who wrote a 'banned' book. It is a bit morbid and shall we say, violent?
Daria: I'll consider your offer...
Li: Don't take too long. Oh, and Daria...I do hope things will go "your" way and you'll be able to see your mother free from jail. Perhaps some evidence might turn up...
[Daria leaves the office. A kind looking secretary is at a nearby desk typing a letter.]
Daria:(To herself) I should have known...
Secretary: Daria Morgendoffer?
Daria: Yes...
Secretary: I have a note from Ms. Parker, she had been expecting you would come today.
[She hands Daria a folded note which reads as follows...]
{Daria, Sorry I'm unable to meet you today. Please come by the school library and say hi to Chia. Ms. Parker.}
Daria: Chia?
[Daria leaves the office. As she walks down the halls lined with lockers and closed doors, she feels this to be so familiar and yet she hardly had recognized being here at all. The faded light purple paint looks to be peeling badly, and the whole place is silent and barren save for an occasional student with a hall pass. She enters the library and walks over to the desk. A young girl with short light sandy hair, that's a bit wavy, and wire rimmed glasses is behind the desk trying to talk to someone way in the back of the room. She looks to be sixteen and slightly shorter than Daria, who was the same height as the girl when she was her age.]
Chia: It's back there, look again...whadda mean you already looked there? You hardly went back there at all! Look again.
Daria: Excuse me...
[Chia raised her hand at Daria as she's still directing the boy.]
Chia: Have you even used the catalogue computer? I know they're crappy but that's how you find the books...whadda mean you don't want the book anymore!? You spent 10 minutes looking for the thing and you're just giving up on it! Fine, see if I care...
[Chia rubs her hands up against her face.]
Chia: Clueless dolt...and a flipping bad day to top it all off. It would be on a Thursday, I hate Thursdays. What's that old saying, if it's Thursday then it must be Belgium. Whatever that means...
Daria: Listen...
Chia: I'm sorry ma'am but Ms. Parker is not here today has she's gone for the week to visit her daughter who's getting married.
Daria: I was told that I was to look for someone named Chia.
Chia: Well that would be me, I'm Chia Maxwell and just about the only person who keeps the library from being run to the ground when Ms. Parker isn't here.
Daria: I also knew Ms. Parker when I was here.
Chia: Now hang on, don't tell me you're one of those "Class of 2000" people. Wandering around the hallways looking to recapture your lost squandered youth while your current life falls apart. I had quite enough encounters with those sort of people from a delusional lady who still thinks she's homecoming queen and a fat stupid football player who I hardly believed he was fit enough to get off his fat old rump. How did he ever make those touchdows, by having his beer buddies roll him down the field?
Daria: You're quite a pleasant person to deal with...
Chia: Oh no you don't lady...you're not laying that trip on me how you "popular" people are always better than us quote "losers". I get enough of that crap from the idiots who go here now without having any more of it from a bunch of hasbeen farts. Do you have any idea what it's 'like' to be an outcast just because you're freaking not like everybody else who gets rewarded for having a sheep lemming mentality. Do you...
[Daria takes off her clip on sunglasses.]
Daria: More than you'll ever know...
[The two stare at each other through their glasses and each realizes they are looking at themselves. In Daria's eyes, a weariness from being through it all. In Chia's eyes, a burning defiance that refuses to be put down.]
Chia: Well, you seem to be quite honest and real enough. I respect that...
Daria: I won't blame you for being cheesed off, heaven knows I gone through so much of it myself.
Chia: Sorry I blew my stack, rotten day you know. I'm generally a nice person to deal with, just getting the short end of things you know? Hang on a second...
[Chia looks at Daria, then down at something beneath the counter, and back at Daria again.]
Chia: You're her...you're the one Ms. Parker tells me about.
Daria: One of the high school hasbeens?
Chia: The one who made it out of here and actually became something...
[Chia gets out her copy of the bestselling fiction book of the year. The one written by Daria and has her face on the back.]
Chia: I just did a book report on this and it was the first time I ever enjoyed doing a book report. Got an A on it. And now I'm reading it again. I really like your character Melody Powers, she's so confident and amazing. Wish I can be like that someday...
Daria: I'm sure you will soon enough.
Chia: But of course this isn't the first time I read any of your works. Oh blast, I left it at my locker. Let me make up for my rudeness and give you a small tour of the place.
Daria: Thanks, but I spent the last ten years trying to forget about the whole high school experience.
Chia: Things have 'really' changed since you were here. Come, I promise it'll be worth your while. Hey Ronnie, I'm getting something from my locker. So watch the counter for me ok? And tell the people to use the flipping computers!
Daria: Those are the same computers...I remember when they installed them here and they are the same PC's!
Chia: Tell me about it. Pentium processors? Slow CD-ROM drives!? How can anybody work with that primitive piece of crap? They're not even hooked up to the Net! And the library is just in the same sad shape as well as you can tell.
Daria: So I noticed...
[Chia walks to the door and motions Daria towards it.]
Chia: Come along Ms. Morgendorffer, let me show you the 'new' Lawndale High...
[Daria follows Chia not sure exactly what she is in for. Daria noticed that Chia's wearing a blue t-shirt with a leather vest and black shorts on. Not exactly "vogue" style, but it seems to Daria that this is some sort of fashion teens of the day are wearing. Chia is explaining every detail of Lawndale High's apparent deterioration in a mock tour guide voice.]
Chia: And over here is the air duct that has moldy filters on which is real bad during the hot muggy days. Any wonder for the current rise in cutting classes, mostly for health reasons.
Daria: Good grief...this place looks abandoned.
Chia: Just as well, they start construction of the new school building later next year. Unless there happen to be some delays of which we will be returning to this crypt.
Daria: Don't they ever think about the kids here? This is a health hazard!
Chia: They figured they save money on constructing the new school by not maintaining the old one at all. Few actually bother complaining but Ms. Li only listens to the ones with big money. They being contractors and such.
Daria: You said Ms. Li, I thought it was the school board who...
Chia: Yeah, but between you and me...Li is getting major cutbacks from the deal. Rumors are that she was more involved with the Hoopterman scandal than what she let on.
Daria: They might be more than just rumors...
Chia: Listen man, when I told you about the others who come back here to relive their adolescence, they only got the official tour from Li. You know, what really looks good. But you are seeing first hand how bad things really are. That one lady who's like the class president running the whole reunion bit...
Daria: Jodie?
Chia: Whatever. She don't even know what's what other than what Li told her. And thanks to that freaking witch Li, somehow I got volunteered to help serve people at the reunion.
Daria: And I take it that you're not too thrilled with the idea at all.
Chia: Flip that, I said. I'm not going from a hardworking student to some slave dog serving flipping drinks to a bunch of people who think their B-O smells like roses! But that freaking witch is making me do it anyway or else she takes all my A's and turn them into D's.
Daria: She can't do that.
Chia: Oh yes she can! She's just about the supervisor anyway and makes up rules at any chance she gets. Hey, you really coming to the reunion tonight?
Daria: I suppose, they want me to give a speech to the people there.
Chia: Just tell them to stick it, I would...
Daria: Great school spirit you have.
Chia: I wished my mother had never moved up here. The only thing I like about this place is my best friend Danielle, I call her Dani.
Daria: I hear you sister.
Chia: Heh, me and Dani would get together and do these "skits" about the people in our school mostly to make fun of them. We even wrote an article about the 'death' of Sharon Silvanni, she's a real annoying person. One of them haughty types...
Daria: You do any writing yourself?
Chia: Oh yes, I write just about anything. What else can an oddball like myself do, eh? I'm a reader, a poet, a dedicated journalist...and as some would have it, a total weirdo as well.
Daria: Which poems you write?
Chia: I just did one called "Raven Queen". It came from a real cool dream I had. I'll have to show you it sometime.
[The two approach Chia's locker.]
Chia: Here we are! I have to get something...oh you are just going to love this!
Daria: That's my old locker...I'm pretty sure of it.
Chia: Really? Wow, talk about a happy coincidence eh?
[Chia gets the lock off but can't seem to get the door open.] Chia: Great, it's stuck again...
Daria: Here, there's a little trick to getting that open when it does that.
[Chia pounds on the door three times and kicks the bottom, which it flies wide open.]
Chia: You mean that?
[She smiles as she gets out a blue blinder and opens it. Daria leafs through it and discovers what's on the pages.]
Daria: My poems, essays, everything I have ever written. It's all here, how on earth...
Chia: Did I get them? Ms. Parker has been saving them and showed them to me when she told me about you a few weeks ago. I really liked the one called, "Perpetual Autumn Of The Soul". That really touched me when I read it.
Daria: I forgotten all about that one.... I know I handed most of them to Mr. O'Neil but he can't even remember my name.
Chia: Now from what I heard...Mr O'Neil was doing a teacher exchange thing in Australia when one night when he was sleeping in the outback, he got ran over by a large emu stampede. He lost all of his memory and is somewhere in a hospital. Melborne I think...
Daria: So I guess he's still the same person then.
Chia: Ms. Parker just found them while clearing out his desk and put them in here. When I was done reading them, I like to put them on a web site of mine so everybody can get a chance to look at 'em. You don't mind do you?
Daria: No go right ahead, I feel honored. Say...I'm not going to get killed by a falling goal post am I?
Chia: Huh?
Daria: Nothing... I'm getting a drink at that fountain.
Chia: Ok, just let it run cold for a while so you can hardly taste the fine metals.
[Daria goes off to get a drink. Chia is putting the blinder away when a tall and nasty looking cheerleader approaches her. She wears a all blue uniform with two yellow stripes running diagonally down the sides. This person is not happy about the rumors of her "death".]
Sharon: Hey Chia! Get your butt over here so I can kick it.
Chia: Sharon, go take a number and stand in line. Everybody wants a piece of my rear today.
Sharon: I just read a little thing about my death you and your stupid friend just did. Real funny Chia, Ha...HA!!!
Chia: Normally I would have run it by you first, but since you're dead it just couldn't be possible.
Sharon: You're the one who'll really be 'dead'! Putting it on the local school network for all to read...and printing 50 copies!!
Chia: That wasn't me, Tommy Wasorski decided to waste the paper. Well I can't really call it a "waste"...
[Daria is gets her drink and sees the two girls fighting.]
Sharon: Chia, you are such a "brain"!
Chia: At least I 'HAVE' a brain....
[Daria can't help smirking.]
Sharon: Listen little muppet girl!!! Keep talking like that and I'll beat the crap out of you. In fact, I think I'll beat the crap out of you right now!!
Chia: Too bad you won't beat the crap out of yourself, cuz if you did then there'll be nothing left of you!
Sharon: You're so freaking pathetic, Chia Pet!!
Chia: Shut the crap up!!!!!!! And 'no one' ever calls me that!!
Sharon: You know something, you're not even worth wasting my time on. You're a little nothing, a puny punk and I'm going to.... don't you yawn at me like that when I'm talking!!!!!!!!
[Chia does a mock yawn to spite Sharon. Daria is starting to get sick in her stomach seeing all of this.]
Chia: Well let me tell you something Silvanni...you can take your high nose stuck in the air, the board shoved up your butt, your millions of boyfriends, your pom-poms...as well as your "tissue bra"!!
[Sharon mouth opens in wide disgust.]
Sharon: WHADA YA SAY!!! What did you just say!?!?
Chia: You take all of that along with your other crap and go stick it!!!!!!
Sharon: You're a loser Chia, a real freaking loser!!!
[Sharon stomps away while Daria gives her a very nasty glare.
But Chia is far from being finished...]
Chia: Why don't you tell that to my face ten years from now when you're barefoot and pregnant...and I'm riding around in a FREAKING LIMO!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Chia is in rage and has her white knuckled fist clenched very hard. Daria who can't take any more of this goes over to Chia.]
Daria: Listen, I'm sorry...
Chia: Oh no, no, no...I'm not upset at all! I mean considering that she's such an ATYPICAL...well, I shouldn't be offended by the likes of her. Like I said I'm a nice person to get along with. But when other people push me, I push back. It's the way I am. Oh geeze, I better get back! Listen, we can talk later under more "better" conditions...
[Chia leaves the scene red in the face; first from pure anger and later from being embarassed. Daria then walks pass a few rooms, one of them being Mr. DeMartino's class.]
Daria: Oh I will be there, all right!
Scene 2:
[DeMartino writes the class topic of the day underneath where he had the date of 10/17/97. It says Eastern Front (1941).]
DeMartino: Now...we will get into the second half of the European theatre of operations. The GERMANS saw fit to invade the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941 in Operation Barbaroussa. Of course, the two nations previously had a treaty...which meant SQUAT because Stalin invaded the Baltic nations to prepare for such an event.
Brittany: Ummm...Mr. DeMartino?
DeMartino: Yes, what is it...BRITTANY!?
Brittany: That Operation Barbaroussa thingy, how do you spell that one word?
DeMartino: B-A-R...
Brittany: I meant "operation".
DeMartino: Why don't you just get it from the notes that your BOYFRIEND takes...
[DeMartino then looks at Kevin who twirls his pencil and stares off into space while humming.]
DeMartino: On second thought DON'T because if you HAVE been COPYING his notes, then it's any WONDER that you keep failing!
[He then pulls down a map which is appropriate for history since it is about 30 years old.]
DeMartino: The Nazi forces had caught the COMMIES by surprise and look to be able to conquer them. But HITLER made a mistake by getting too COCKY and decided to transfer his forces to over take the LESSER cities by the coasts instead of Moscow which any IDIOT knows is the beating heart of Russia.
Kevin: But didn't you just said it was the capital of the Soviet Union?
DeMartino: The Soviet Union had just FALLEN a few YEARS ago and Moscow is now the capital of RUSSIA!!
Kevin: So did the Germans broke the strike that the Soviet Union was doing?
DeMartino: Kevin...
Kevin: Yes Mr. D?
DeMartino: First of all...it's MARTINO, Di' MARTINO!!!! You either say my FULL name or call me SIR!!
Kevin: You don't mind if I call you Mister "D" do you?
DeMartino: D!?!!? DO 'I' look like a FUZZY letter out of the ALPHABET!?
Kevin: Ummm...no?
DeMartino: Consider that your extra credit point since you have made NO POINTS whatsoever!!!!
[He scans around the room and the first thing he sees is Daria writing notes and reading off the book in front of her. What he hasn't noticed is Andrea sitting next to her. She is mostly observing what is going on in this room.]
DeMartino: As I was going to say before being RUDELY interrupted... German forces were successful in June and July. But by the TIME that winter came, they were in HORRIBLE shape by the time they had reached Moscow. Now, someone PLEASE tell us how their downfall was brought about?
[Daria raises her hand.]
DeMartino: Do enlighten us...
Daria: The Soviets had burnt all their resources so the Germans could not take them. And the server winter conditions, which they were unprepared for, completely halted the invading forces.
DeMartino: So...it seems that ol' Jack Frost had saw fit to save the COMMIES from being overtaken by FASCISTS who just about have the SAME philosophy over brainwashing the PEOPLE and using BRUTE FORCE to achieve their means.
Daria: In a nutshell, yes.
DeMartino: And it's something that does come out of some book, but what "I" like to know is how EXACTLY the Eastern Front battles affect us TODAY???
[The class becomes silent. He automatically looks at Daria but decides that she would end up answering the questions for everyone else. So he randomly glances at a person who he will pick on.]
DeMartino: BOBBY!!!!
Bobby: Wh...whaaa...
DeMartino: ANSWER the question!! HOW...did the Eastern Front battles of nineteen FORTY-ONE result in the Cold War which LASTED right up until this very decade?
Bobby: I..i.i.i.ii..i....
DeMartino: Bobby, at least try to LOOK like you're paying attention so it doesn't appear that you're WASTING PRECIOUS TAX DOLLARS!!!!!!
[Bobby looks like he is going into shock.]
DeMartino: That is correct Bobby, not only has the Baltic states would become the Eastern Bloc which is a BUFFER between the West and the SOVIETS but Russia would turn the TABLES on the NAZIS and conquer HALF of Germany. But as we ALL know, because of DIFFERENCES between the Soviets and EVERYBODY ELSE, Germany would be split into TWO countries and we would be INVOLVED in the COLD WAR which brought up the VIETNAM War which has SCREWED me up for LIFE!!!!!!
Brittany: Well like what does it all have to do with us today? DeMartino: Didn't KEVIN write it down for you?????
Brittany: So...what's the point?
DeMartino: The POINT!?!?!?! The whole point of FREAKING HISTORY is to show ALL the mistakes and SCREW UPS of the PAST which HOPEFULLY we would LEARN and not REPEAT in the FUTURE!!!!
[His eyes, which look ready to pop out and roll on the floor at any moment, glanced towards Daria who is just about the focal center point.]
DeMartino: Ms. Morgen-whatever...what's that old SAYING that history teachers keep harping about just to make a FREAKING point??
Daria:(A bit uncertain) Wasn't it, "Those who do not learn history are doom to repeat it"...
[DeMartino moves from behind his desk and closes in on Daria circling around her.]
DeMartino: What it IS, is that what happened in the PAST affects us GREATLY NOW! And that ANYTHING we DO here in the PRESENT shapes OUR FUTURE!!!! So do...DO TELL US why we will ALWAYS KEEP making the SAME mistakes OVER AND OVER!!!!
[Daria is completely caught off guard by this and struggles to come up with the right answer.]
DeMartino: Say it....SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Now she is flustered and blurts out...]
Daria: Because we have always made mistakes before and never learn from our screw ups, and we'll always keep making the same stupid decisions because people are so self centered and selfish that they will only please themselves at the expense of others!!
[The entire class looks at Daria who feels the sensation of a thousand pins pricking on her forehead and the back of her neck.]
DeMartino: Very interesting...the typical person only uses ten percent of their brain. But YOU use about FIFTHTEEN percent...see what happens when you TRY hard enough CLASS????
[He now mercilessly goes over near Kevin's desk.]
DeMartino: So class, AND Kevin, every little choice we make, KEVIN, results in a consequence which we all must pay for, KEVIN. And there are those who refuse to learn, KEVIN, which as a result, KEVIN, make the very same mistakes themselves, KEVIN! For example, KEVIN, we often see highly successful football players, KEVIN, who don't bother, KEVIN, learning about everything else, KEVIN!! What happens to them, KEVIN, is that they not only get kicked off the team and even out of school, KEVIN, but they also end up as drunken bums who, KEVIN, have absolutely no use whatsoever, KEVIN, to the community!!!! And that's why, KEVIN, we are not only talking about the Eastern Front, KEVIN, but study the effects the events, KEVIN, that go on now, KEVIN, and will continue to do so in our future KEVIN!!!!! So have I made myself very clear on the matter?.....KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin: Umm...Mr. DeMartino?
DeMartino: WHAT!?!?!?!!?
Kevin: I tried to write down what you were saying...but my pencil broke and I missed most of it. Would somebody have it in their notes?
[The school bell rings for lunch.]
DeMartino: GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The students put their books in their backpacks and DeMartino gets a terrible headache which he has to hold his one eye and leave the room. As Daria takes off her glasses to rub her eyes, Andrea goes over to her.]
Andrea: Listen, if you're the sort of person who likes to be left alone...don't attract so much attention.
Daria: Whaa...
Andrea: I'm just being a friend.
[Andrea leaves and disappears into the crowd.]
Daria: Wait, come back...hang on a...(sighs)
[She is the only person in the quiet room. Just as she starts to pick up her glasses, she puts them down. She realises that some-thing just had to give...it is as though something has lit the fire in her soul. She then immediately stands up and speaks out the very thought that is now in her mind.]
Daria: All right, that does it...I will go mad.
Scene 3:
[The school library where Daria and Jane go for their study hall periods. Daria takes out a book she borrowed and put it in the slot, unknowingly where she had put her forgotten poem. She then looks at the table in the middle of the room were the card catalogue should be. Instead, there's a bunch of junk and wires laying on it.]
Daria: What's "that" suppose to be?
Jane: It's a new computer system they're putting in. Apparently the school sees fit to spend the money on machines that people can hardly use instead of more books.
Daria: Managed to work that coffee out of your system?
Jane: Most of it at least, spent the whole lunch period running around the track getting out the energy. What scares me that during the whole time for some reason, I was going, "Whoo whoooo!!" the whole time.
Daria: Then I might be able to talk to you about something...
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: I'm thinking...(sighs) I'm considering going completely insane.
Jane: Oh?
Daria: This whole life is driving me mad, I just as well let it wash over me and just finish it.
Jane: You know, that's really something you just can't get into.
Daria: I already have a padded room, just put a straight jacket on me and I'm just about there.
Jane: Come now...you might just want to sleep on it for now and discuss it later on with the voices inside your head.
Daria: I am really...PO'ed.
Jane: PO'ed...you?? This really must be bad.
Daria: Now look, all my life I have always been an idiot magnet. I attract those sort of people for some reason. That's just about what this one girl said...
Jane: What girl?
Daria: Andrea I think, the one who wears the goth stuff...
Jane: Oh I know who you mean. Hardly anyone even notices her. Daria: I know, she sits next to me in class but it's the first time she actually said something to me.
Jane: She talked to you??? Nobody ever gets that honor. What did she say?
Daria: That I'm the sort who hates having everyone bug me so I shouldn't be attracting so much attention. How can I not freaking help it? I sit smack dab in the middle of the front of DeMartino's class. Not to mention that I actually do most of the work as well.
Jane: Any more?
Daria: Not really, I wasn't thinking straight though.
Jane: Hey, I see her over there. You think we should have a word with her?
Daria: Why not? She's just about the only person today who makes any freaking sense.
Jane: Sure...but remember that she don't like talking to anyone at all.
Daria: Well she had no problem talking to me!
[They go over to the table where Andrea is sitting. She is deeply reading a book and appears not to have heard them come over. Daria clears her throat not knowing what else to do.]
Andrea: You have caught me in a very transcendent mood...which is why I shall be generous and give you 30 seconds to walk away, and if it's not very important then I shall proceed to reach straight down your throat to yank your heart out and make you munch on it like "freaking" fried chicken.
[Jane and Daria just stand there looking at each not being able to move or say anything. Andrea then looks up at them.]
Andrea: Still here? Then it must be important, please have a seat...unless standing up does something special for you.
[The two girls sit down.]
Andrea: (At Jane) You, I seen in the bathroom this morning. Either you were real brave or very stupid. Hard pressed to tell the difference between the two.
Jane: I can hardly remember it at all, caffeine blackouts you know.
Andrea: (At Daria) And you...the new kid. For a so-called unpopular person, you are the talk of the school.
Daria: Oh great...
Andrea: Some of it is pretty impressive, considering how you turned the tables on things. I always did have a thing for underdogs.
Daria: So you have been watching me the whole time, somehow I find it unnerving to say the least.
Andrea: I observe people, just sit in the background and look at things. Everyone here talks about the Morgendorffer sisters... speaking of which, what's with that crap about that sibling of yours hitting me up for cash just for a freaking face lift?
Daria: If you thought that was cute, just wait what they'll say about my award winning performance in history today.
Andrea: What should 'you' care about what others say?
Daria: Well what's that thing you told me? That I'm attracting "too" much attention!?
Andrea: Frankly I could hardly give a crap what you do or say. And if you haven't noticed, the 'teach' picks on everybody especially Kevin. But my guess is you're the sort of person who likes to be left alone, ya?
Daria: That's my long time dream and ambition...
Andrea: And yet everyone's gunning for you.
Daria: So??
Andrea: Put two and two together girl, you have yourself a total contradiction. It's enough to put you in the looney bin if you keep at it.
Jane: Well she has been talking about committing insanity.
Daria: I'm only thinking about it.
Andrea: Well then you'll never be good at it, won't you. Isn't the whole point of insanity is not being able to think right, if at all? Besides, I tried it in 8th grade and turned out that the so-called "sane" people were even crazier than I was.
Daria: Ok, since 'you' have all the answers what should I do?
Andrea: Do? Try nothing.
Daria: Nothing!?
Andrea: Nothing, nothing at all. Let the other lemmings run off the cliff if it turns them on. Just try not to follow them and you'll be fine.
Daria: So you're being a friend? What sort of definition of "friend" do you subscribe to?
Andrea: You looked like you needed to say something cheerful, but since I was the only person around it's just about the closest thing you'll ever get.
Jane: That was nice...
Andrea: But don't think we'll all be buddy buddies! I'm just here filling up some time so they won't haul my sorry butt to school girl jail. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe the next bell will ring.
Daria: Should I feel grateful or insulted?
Andrea: Choose your poison man...
[The bell rings and Andrea just picks up her books and leaves. She merges into the crowd out in the hallway.]
Jane: So...find out what you needed to know?
Daria: Now I know as much as I did 'before'.
Jane: Might be a good time to go mental right now, but that's just me.
ACT IV.
Scene 1:
[A few miles outside of Lawndale, a red and silver '09 Corvette Stingray X (21st century varitation of the classic Stingray) zooms down the road blasting loud AlterRock music with a gritty female vocalist. The engine roars as it approaches an old looking house. After the car stops there, Jane gets out of the driver's seat and so does Daria. Both women are wearing sunglasses and look at the place under a setting sun.]
Daria: So this is where she lives?
Jane: Yep, her and her husband run some sort of novelty shop for people with really weird tastes.
Daria: I knew Andrea would do very well for herself with this sort of thing.
[They both walk towards the porch and see the sign above the door that reads, "Vandenberg's House of Rare Oddities and Collectibles" . They just walk in because it's a store which very much resemblances Ripey's Believe Or Not.]
Jane: Wow...this place can give you the creeps.
Daria: Ever been inside Anne Rice's home? This ranks up there with it.
[Jane rings the bell on the counter.]
Jane: Yo, Andrea it's me! I brought...
[A lady comes out from behind a beaded curtain. She is wearing a black outfit with black jacket, black shirt, and black slacks. This person is rubbing her hands together and has a psychotic wide grin on her face and devious eyes fixed on the two.]
Andrea: Welcome...to Vandenberg's House of Rare Oddities and Collectibles!
Jane: You know Daria, she was just on Sick Sad World a while back. I have it taped.
Andrea: Ah, I see you brought Daria here. Excellent, I have a surprise for you old friend! But come and let's have some tea...
[They go upstairs to the living quarters and sit at the table with the tea set already out.]
Daria: So...must be fun to actually live in the House Of Seven Gables. Jane's been telling me you've been married for some time.
Andrea: Oh yes, Oscar is a very interesting person. He showed me that life is worth living, considering with all the weird and wacky stuff it has. Oscar tries to collect it all. He's away in Belgium right now but when he returns we are moving to New York.
Jane: Hey, that's where I have my studio apartment. Come look me up.
Andrea: Yeah, later this year we're opening up an actual museum. We're very excited about it. I'll even get a chance to shop my fashion designs to other places!
Daria: Didn't know you were a fashion designer?
Andrea: It's a hobby of mine, lot more interesting getting "paid" to do it. One design house in New York said they were looking for something "that has never been done before". And boy did I show them "that".(Wicked smile)
Daria: Goth girl makes good.
Jane: If you and Oscar need any paintings and stuff, let me know.
Andrea: Make sure it's all morbid and weird, but not commonly morbid and weird which is the sort of thing they have in bus terminals and subway stations.
Daria: This is very good tea, what is it?
Andrea: That is a special unique blend of jasmine tea. There's this one village in India that has a strange form of death rites.
Daria: Oh?
Andrea: They only drink this type of tea when someone passes away. The priests burn the body and crush the bones into a fine powder. Then to help send his soul to the afterlife, they mix the ashes in the tea and people drink it.
[Daria spits out her tea without even thinking.]
Andrea: Of course, I only added some sugar to make it more sweeter.
Daria: Oh, er...it is very sweet...
Jane: Ready for the high school reunion tonight?
Andrea: I can hardly wait. Bringing a camcorder and everything. You got a way to ride up there?
Jane: Just a small Stingray that's a two seater. But a limo would 'sure' be nice.
Andrea: No problem, Oscar has a friend who runs a limo service. I can get us one for a discount because I also know Dion who works for him.
Jane: It should be interesting to see Kevin and Brittany, wonder if they're still together.
Andrea: Oh yeah, they've been married for quite some time now.
Jane: Heh, can't think of two people who are more 'deserving' of each other.
Daria: But think of the offspring that they'll produce.
Jane: Thanks for the sick imagery...
Andrea: Word on the street that Brittany isn't very happy with Kevin right now, but she denies it of course. He spends most of his time at the Linger Inn bar.
Daria: Linger Inn, Stager Out.
Jane: Doesn't your sister work there Daria?
Daria: Yep, there's a pair who "deserve" each other.
Andrea: He's really a roofer but screws up most of the time. The few times when he doesn't is when he takes naps on the job.
Daria: But right now his sole purpose in life is getting drunk?
Andrea: Nearly all day he sits on his fat rump and drown a few. Man, makes me glad I gave up booze.
Daria: You stopped drinking??
Andrea: When I was 23, I decided that 10 years of alcoholism was enough...
Daria: 10 years? That means you started at...
Andrea: Anyway, I got more focused and went to community college. That's where I met Oscar. It all changed when I walked in AA...excuse me, I meant "staggered" in AA. I didn't even know how the heck I got there in the first place!
Jane: And the other people at school, how did they turn out?
Andrea: Oh most, if not all, stayed in Lawndale. The guys got dead end jobs and half the girls got pregnant shortly after graduation.
Daria: It would be interesting to see how messed up they really gotten.
Jane: And of course, Daria here will give us a little speech.
Daria: I still can't believe Li is trying to get me to read some crap that some git wrote just to make her look good. That sounds like something that happened to Richard Wright.
Andrea: Who?
Daria: The guy who wrote "Native Son" and "Black Boy". The school gave him a graduating speech to recite but he wanted to read his own which he did. And he never spoke to anyone at the school again afterwards.
Jane: Well good for him...
Daria: I would like to include how the whole place is going down the crapper. Have you ever seen the place? It might as well be made of porcelain and have a seat. And they expect kids to go there when it should be condemned! This one girl Chia showed me just about every single horror.
Andrea: Chia?? That's a heck of a name if I ever heard one?
Daria: She resembles me when I was at her age...well except she looks a bit like one of Jim Henson's Muppets and she's a spunky girl who has no problem walking up to someone with a smirk and telling them to go "flip" off.
Jane: Heheh, I like her already.
Daria: Poor kid...bad enough when I went there. It's the same old crap, but much worse. And to top everything off, Li wants to build a new school and be elected as superintendent. Just to make some bloody bucks.
[The three drink their tea for a short while without saying a word.]
Jane: Hey! You know what would really be nice?
Daria: What?
Jane: Have some men to go with us. Yeah, get one on each arm and they can light up some cigars we can smoke. Now that's living the high life baby!
Daria: What we need to have for this...is a presentation that will keep them all guessing and when the whole thing is over they'll end up bewildered.
Jane: You mean, the plan? Daria: Yes...the plan.
Andrea: So what will you do for dresses?
Jane: I got something from New York that'll clash with whatever square 90's style they be wearing.
Daria: Oh crap, I forgot. Guess it's only what I'm wearing.
Andrea: Only cartoon characters wear the same things over and over. In fact, I have something 'very' special for you!
Daria: A Morticia Addams gown?
Andrea: You are going to love this one...I made it for you. In fact, you gave me the inspiration for it.
Jane: Go on, try it out!
Andrea: I'll have to make some alterations on it...
[Andrea takes Daria to one of the back rooms. For about a half hour, Jane has been waiting drinking her tea and looking at the various odd rarities in the room. Later, Andrea comes out.]
Andrea: I now present...the "new" Daria Morgendorffer!
[Daria walks out in her new outfit and Jane is simply astounded. It resembles very much the green jacket and black skirt she wore in high school, but with much improvements on the design. The material is a deep forest green that glimmers and shimmers when the light falls on it. The lapels which look like sharp wings run from behind the neck and on the shoulders into full view on the sides. The jacket is segmented in a way as a thorax on an insect and the centerpiece is a silver trimmed V-cut that reveals a black shirt. It has little sparkers in the cloth and is actually a sleeveless tunic that blends with the jacket. She is also wearing a black leather skirt that goes down to the knees, opaque pantyhoes, and stiletto boots with pointed toes that shine. Along with her own long flowing hair cut at shoulder length and the glasses with the shade clip ons, she looks very ready...to kill.]
Jane: Wow...I really thought I would never see that day.
Andrea: You are the only people to have actually seen this design. This is the proverbial "one of a kind".
Daria: Now tell the truth guys, do I 'really' look like a bug?
Jane: Well, not necessary...I mean you know...it's...yeah you do look like a bug.
Andrea: It is based on the forest insect look. I call this one, "Lady Locus".
[Daria looks at the mirror with a hand on her hip. She appears a bit taller, more confident, and cannot help flashing a real smile.]
Daria: How soon we have before the reunion tonight.
Jane: Oh I say a few hours. We better get the things all set up. Andrea: I'll get us the ride.
Jane: And I'll have tonight's "entertainment" all set.
Daria: Think I'll work on my speech...now if you excuse me, I got some "biz" to take care of.
Scene 2:
[A long stretch black limo comes rolling through the streets. It appears to be too big to be driving through Lawndale. The limo stops in front of Lawndale High and parks in front of the gymnasium. The yellow hazard lights are flashing on and off over and over. Inside the car are three ladies who are well dressed for the occasion. Jane is wearing a black outfit with a satin tunic, the hottest look for the nightclub scene. She also has a long black overcoat giving her a New York cyberpunk look. Andrea has on a black gown with intricate web designs that glitter in the light. And Daria is still sporting the Lady Locus outfit. This is their night, and they have come to perform.]
Jane: So...tonight's the night.
Daria: Know what to do?
Jane: Not the appealing part I assure you.
Daria: Just go in and mingle with the people, just to see what screwed up lives they're now living.
Jane: I'll just nod, smile and think to myself what a sad joke this all is.
Daria: The only way...
[Jane gets out of the limo. Now it's just Daria and Andrea.] Andrea: Bet this brings back old memories, eh?
Daria: Are you kidding?? I forgot half the crap I went through in high school. I must have at some point decided to block out certain memories. But I can't even remember the point when I decided to forget things. Think I did something like that...not really sure.
Andrea: Remember that one time in 10th grade at the library when we had our talk? The one when you wanted to go psycho? On this very date I believe.
Daria: Vaguely...yeah I did.
Andrea: Now's the time to get crazy. Take all of that and focus it into a sharp point...and nail these mothers!
[Jane walks in the building and goes over to the desk. Some chubby looking person named "Suzy", or at least that's on the name tag, greets Jane.]
Suzy: Oh hi!! Welcome to the Class Of 2000 reunion! Don't you remember me?
Jane: No...
Suzy: Ah, well...just sign you're name in this book here and we'll get you a name tag to wear.
Jane: I don't do name tags baby.
Suzy: But don't you want your old friends to know who you are in case they can't recognize you?
Jane: I'll only show it when people "ask" who I am, or better yet I'll just flash my American Express card.
Suzy: Anyway...(glances at book)...Jane, we have a senior yearbook to see how you looked back then.
Jane: Yeah, I forgot exactly what I looked like ten years ago so this will help quite nicely.
[Jane leafs through the yearbook looking up her picture.]
Jane:(To herself) Extra money on the photo retouching and it still looks like a freaking DMV photo.
[She looks at the Daria's photo on the right, she still look exactly as she did when Jane first met her. And on the left hand side is Jodie Landon's picture. The real Jodie is standing next to her.]
Jodie: Jane!!! Ohmigosh...how are you??
Jane: Not bad Jodie, not bad...
Jodie: So glad you came! It's nice to see a friendly face
tonight. Boy let me tell you how hectic the whole day as been.
Jane: Is Mike Macenzie here yet?
Jodie: I think so, haven't seen him yet. Say...I thought Daria would be with you, she's coming right?
Jane: She'll be here when she can. Just preparing for her speech.
Jodie: I cannot wait for it. A successful novelist who was a good high school friend, this should be something special.
Jane: Oh you won't be disappointed...
Jodie: Come, let me show you all the guys.
[Jodie takes Jane into the gym where the whole affair is being held. The room is filled with music from the late 1990's which is really a cross between retro 70's disco with early 90's dance with a twinge of 80's synth rhythms. Many are bobbing and tapping to the beat of classic songs by Hanson and Cardigan without actually admitting that they were never that good to being with. It's all automatic as the DJ who's suppose to be there really isn't. Meanwhile in the back of the room...]
Becky:(A senior helping out serving drinks) Come on Chia, you know you have to do this.
Chia: This really sucks rotten eggs, man...
[Chia has on a white formal shirt with a clip on bow tie and a short black skirt with black leotards and shiny shoes. She makes her displeasure well known.]
Becky: Now be nice Chia, that lady over there was very important in Lawndale once. Just give her a smile, nod and...
Chia: Say to myself that this is all a sad joke?
Becky: ...and give her a glass of punch when she ask for it.
Chia: Tell me something Becky, how do you cope with impersonating a circus monkey like what we are doing dressed like this?
[Becky gets a glare on her face.]
Chia: Fine, I'll serve the flipping drinks...
[She heads towards a crowd. And in that crowd is Brittany Taylor who is dressed up in a strange way. The gawker, also an old cheerleader, standing next to her seems impressed.]
Brittany: But of all the many highlights in my high school life, the biggest was being voted as senior homecomming queen...oh how my dream had finally came true!
Gawker: Oh yes! And you still look 'splendid' wearing the homecomming queen gown.
[Yes folks, she is really wearing not only the same gown but the slash, boutique, and tiara as well.]
Brittany: I still feel like a queen as well even know.
Gawker: And your husband Kevin is a real king as well.
Brittany: A king!? Are you kidding?? I mean...oh yes, he certainly is. Ahaha!!
[Chia walks over to Brittany holding a tray of punch drinks.]
Chia:(Mock voice) Would madam like a drink right now, or wait until she's done impressing people.
Brittany: Oh this is so cute, a young maiden serving a queen. Haha..
Chia: Ahaha, madam is indeed very funny.
Brittany: So tell me miss, how are the cheerleaders in Lawndale High doing now? I always like to know that the tradition is still being carried out.
Chia: You mean with a small kliq of busty girls who consider themselves better than everyone else, date the dimwitted jocks and leave scrawny guys for the rest of the young impressible women who get their nose shoved in the stupid "pretty popular girl" illusion? Oh yes, we certainly are carrying out the tradition.
Gawker: Oh ahahaha!!! Such a little kidder!
[Brittany however is not as impressed.]
Brittany: Young lady...I have been head of the cheerleading squad, class president, and homecomming queen 'twice' in a row I might add. If you were to partake in such social activities, then you just to do well as to gain a much more pleasant attitude.
Chia: Well whoop-de-STINK!!
[The gawker stops laughing no longer finding it entertaining. Chia just walks away, but still hears Brittany in an earshot saying...]
Brittany: You know, if I didn't know any better I say she's exactly like Daria.
Chia:(Quietly) Thanks for the complement, 'airhole'!!
[She looks around through the crowd looking for someone.]
Chia: Come on Daria, where are you man?
[It is at this point that Andrea leaves the limo and walks in. The first person she sees is Suzy.]
Suzy: Oh hi!! Welcome to the...
Andrea: Hello, Suzy.
Suzy: Oh, you remember me!
Andrea: It's on your name tag.
Suzy: Oh, well just sign your name in the book and...
Andrea: I don't think so, rather not people know who I am at this point.
Suzy: But you have to sign in if you had received your invitation. You 'do' have an invitation, do you?
Andrea: I'll just see if I have it here somewhere...
[She opens up her big purse and roots around. She pulls out a shrunken head with a gold chain on it and plops it in front of Suzy.]
Suzy: YeeeeeYYYAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrea: Now I know I have it here, I carry lots of things in my purse.
Suzy: Ok!! I believe you. Just get that thing out of here!!!!!!
[Andrea takes the head and puts it back in here purse. As she walks in, Suzy is hyperventilating.]
Andrea: Honestly, anyone would be able to tell at a distance it was a fake from a novelty store.
[Jane and Jodie are "mingling" in the crowd.]
Jodie: Now you're sure Daria is coming, right?
Jane: She'll come...
Jodie: I hope so, that's just about all that Ms. Li's been asking about.
Jane: Oh...
Jodie: What will happen is that later on is Ms. Li will introduce the class reunion with a speech written by Daria. That was my suggestion. And afterwards Ms. Li will address the Class of 2000 about not only our tradition but also the future of Lawndale High with the brand new school building. The members of the school board are even here for it.
Jane: You know, if she's being considered for the superintendent position then all of this would really be very good PR for her. Jodie: Ummm yes, I suppose it would...
Upchuck: Hey ladies, remember me!!
Jane: Vomit, puke, hurl, blow-chunks...ah yes, Upchuck.
[It really is Upchuck, he's wearing just about the same type of clothing he wore in high school only he has his shirt opened just at the very hairy upper chest which is covered up with various gold chains. He looks as though he's really into the retro 70's, or retro 90's as it were.]
Upchuck: Lady Jane, how are we this evening?
Jane: Don't know about 'you', but I feel pretty disgusted right now.
Upchuck: Ah yes, seeing the old gang here tonight. Can you imagined how many of them I picked up in my car back then? I was really hot driving around in my MUSTAAAAANG!!!!!!!
Jane: How many? I know it was something that's only on one hand.
Upchuck: Where's your friend Daria, I wonder if she's still uptight? Boy, was she so very FIESTY!
Jodie: That's what I like to know.
Upchuck: No offense, she really was a bit of a snob...I mean, what other person of the female species not take up my offers eh?
Jodie: The entire female gender?
Jane: After all these years, you "still" think she'll just melt all over you and make a big mess on the floor?
Upchuck: I hope she doesn't get too jealous, because I brought me an escort. Come over here baby...
[A long haired girl looking no older than what a college kid does, gets up from a nearby table and walks over to the group.]
Upchuck: Say hello to my lady friend, Cynthia!
[Cynthia looks and sounds likes she's either tired, bored, wasted, or all the above.]
Cynthia: Hey man...just came over to chill with Chucky at this big shindig, ya know man.
Upchuck: Just to let you girls know so you won't have to worry about it, this little "date" isn't a fixed thing so feel free to take a ride in Chuckyland!
Jane: Come on Jodie, show me some other interesting people...
Jodie: Agreed.
[They walk away while Upchuck saunters over to a group of women talking.]
Upchuck: Ladies...please do not adjust the picture. I really am 'this' good looking!
Lady: Yes girls, he really does look like that.
[They walk away in disgust leaving Upchuck and Cynthia.]
Cythina: 'Ey yo, where's the real drinks man? This punch stuff is for little kids, ya know.
[Jane and Jodie see Mack Daddy. Yes, they still call him that and no, he still doesn't like it. He now sports a gotee and looks very suave.]
Jodie: Hey Mike, good to see you here.
Mack: Jodie!! And Jane, great to see you guys.
Jane: Yep it's really "great" to see all the "guys" here.
Jodie: So what have you been up to?
Mack: Well I got married and became a zoologist, mostly working with tigers, I even got a position at the Philidelphia Zoo. Man, that place is great!!
Jane: Catching up on old times with the other football players?
Mack: Well yes I have... I'm just trying to get away from Kevin for a while, oh he comes now. Just great.
[Here comes Kevin, and boy has he "really" changed! He gained a lot of weight, especially in the big beer gut. He has a neckbrace as well as bandages on all his fingers. Thankfully he is wearing a green shirt with slacks and not his usual Lawndale Lions uniform. If one were to personally know him for quite some time, like let's say Brittany, one can tell that right now he did quite a bit of drinking just before.]
Kevin: You know Mack, old buddy old pal...
Mack: Don't call me that!!
Kevin: Hey you know Jacque from the team right? We all call him "Jock" cause that's how you say it. Jacque or "Jock" or... Well come over here anyway man!
[Jacque and some other old player come over.]
Kevin: Now! As everybody here knows, I was captain of the football team during my entire time in high school.
Mack(Rolling his eye): Bullcrap...
Jodie: Oh really...
Kevin: Yes. And I was quite good considering what I had to work with. I had average size, average strength, average speed, and an average love life. But I parlayed all of that into a very fine football career.
Jacque: Yeah man! Tell 'em about when you went to State.
Kevin: Oh yeah! Gave me a big scholarship and everything. Now here's the part I can't figure out...they pay "me" to play football for them, right? So how come a few years afterwards, they kick me out for not keeping my grades up at all? I mean, that's the whole point of college, to mostly party!!
Mack: Umm, no...
Kevin: Between the games and the parties, how the crap they expect me to squeeze in any assignments? Geeze, Brittany still bawls about it to this day!
Mack: So that's it then, you just about hit rock bottom.
Kevin: (Burps) The crap I did. I got me a good roofing job, the only bad thing about it is the way they complain how I didn't do it all right. Can't satisfy everyone I guess.
Jane: I noticed you broke your neck.
Kevin: REALLY????? Hahahaha!!!!!!
Jodie: How did that happen?
Kevin: I was doing a job for the Linger Inn. Nice guy Joe, always giving me free beers while I'm out in the hot sun. Oh don't worry, he'll just put them on my tab as always. Now where was I? Mack: Your neck.
Kevin: What about it?? Mack: How you broke it...
Kevin: Oh yeah. Must have lost my balance or something.
Jodie: So, how are you coping with this?
Kevin: Not well I'm afraid. Might have to go on disability or suck something from the government. Just recently I was bellying up to the bar when I was drinking a cold longneck when some fat broad came up to me. This is the same fat broad that hangs around the place so we know each other well. So she slaps my back real hard. Next thing I knew, my body felt as it just shut down. I watched the beer bottle just tip over and saw the brewski just dribble down. Just like the sand in the hourglass...so are the days of our lives.
Mack: Gee, I haven't realized...
Kevin: And the worse part of it is that I got a pain in my left hand and that concerns me. Mostly because that's the hand I use to open up a beer can.
Mack: It might have helped if you had still kept in shape.
Kevin: I know...I could have a body like yours Mack, but I would have to give up two of my favorite things.
Jacque: Yeah I hear you...
Kevin: One of them has a pop top.
Jacque: What?...
Mack: I can't believe this, I just can't believe any of this...
Jane: You and me both Jack.
Kevin: Now I know 'everybody' here thinks of me as some legend in high school football, which I am. But it must be very upsetting to see me like this compared to what I was. I'm only human folks, so don't think of me as a mythological figure out on the field...but the fun guy you see right now. (Arms raised in the air) HANNNIAAA!!!!!!!
[Mack slaps his hand against his face and shakes his head.]
Brittany: There you are Kevin...
Kevin: Uh oh, I'm really gonna get it. Heheheheh...
Brittany:(Whispering) You're making a fool out of yourself again, are you?
Kevin:(Low voice) Hey babe, I'm just usual self.
Brittany:(Lower voice with growl) You're drunk!? I should have known...
Jodie: Oh geeze...I have to get prepared, the speeches will start in about some time later. And where the heck is Daria? Is she coming or not???
Brittany: Yeah, that's right...I haven't seen her at all. I wonder if she's still wearing that drab looking outfit?
Kevin: Well I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't show up at all.
Jane: Oh...and why's that?
Kevin: She's the smart chick, of course she wouldn't hang around a little place like Lawndale!
[Kevin is laughing at his own little joke which no one else seems to get, or care.]
Brittany: Well I for one like to see her and see how she's holding out. I heard she wrote a book or something but I didn't get a chance to read it.
Kevin: Cause it probably wasn't one of them trashy romance novels.
Brittany: Oh shut up!!!
Jodie: I hope she does come like she said she would because I like to discuss with her about what sort of speech she'll give. Whatever it is, it really should be inspirational.
Brittany: Yeah...I might have a very good idea what it's about though.
Jane: Oh really...
Brittany: How she was a sad and lonely person at such a young tender age and felt so left out with other people. And now she went on to be a successful person who realized that joining the human race really turned her life around. I must admit that before I had thought of her as some sort of "brain" but I actually do feel sorry for her, you know?
Kevin: Well I don't know about you, but I "feel" like having a beer!
Brittany: Can't you just shut your neck while I'm having a thoughtful moment!!!!!!
Jacque: Good one Kev!!
[They both high five.]
Jane: You know, I'm going to find a place to sit down...
[Jane leaves.]
Brittany: Why would she leave so like that?
Jodie: Maybe the fact that you offended her by insulting her best friend might have something to do with it.
Brittany: Oh Jodie, it's only silly talk you know. We do that all the time in high school.
Mack: But I hope you two realize that this is 'not' high school, this happens to be the adult world.
Kevin: Aw come on Mack! Tonight we are kids again, live the fantasy I always say!!
Mack: For the last freaking time, stop calling me Mack Daddy!!!!!
Brittany: Oh Kevin, this is so much like old times...
[Kevin and Brittany begin kissing and keep right at it.]
Mack: Oh for crying out loud, I can't take any of this!!
Jodie: Wait Mike...
Mike: I'm heading out for fresh air, maybe I'll just return to the hotel or something...I don't know!
[Mike storms off. Jodie looks bewildered.]
Jodie: Mike please...oh for Pete's sake, I have to get ready!!
[She is now running around in circles frantically. When Jodie left, Brittany lets go of the kissing hold.]
Brittany: Pffphhhttttt....YECCCHH!!!!! I hate it when you have beer breath!!!
Kevin: Then why you were you kissing for so long honey?
Brittany: Because we were in front of company and I was waiting for them to leave, you moron!!!!
Kevin: You still just won't admit it's because I'm such a stud muffin, hehehehe....
Brittany: Oh give me strength....
Scene 3:
[Daria is in Jane's room. She is looking at the '97 calendar with the Robert Longo paintings which are pretty disturbing. She couldn't help feeling the same way herself. Jane pops in a tape in a second hand VCR and turns on the TV.]
TV: A plot of world domination...by cats, today on Sick Sad World!!
Daria: Wasn't that show just on this afternoon?
Jane: It was, but I decided to tape it.
Daria: So you decided to actually "tape" Sick Sad World...
Jane: That's about it, yeah.
Daria: Well congratulations, you are now officially the most very disturbed and sad couch potato on the whole planet.
Jane: Is it any good?
Daria: Only gets exciting when they reveal that dogs are also highly intelligent aliens who are here to stop the cats.
Jane: I couldn't stay up and watch it when I got home from school, totally zonked out from the sudden caffeine withdraw. Tried cans of Coke and everything, but it's not enough.
Daria: So you'll be sucking down any more expresso?
Jane: Are you kidding!? Man, one cup of that stuff is enough for a single lifetime!
Daria: I think that was the most active I have ever seen of you.
Jane: I know...I felt so uplifted and everything like that. Hard to describe what it's like in words, it was like...
Daria: Finding religion?
Jane: Err..something like that. Anyway, it sure made the whole day unforgettable.
Daria: Must be absolute magic to have some slight chemical alteration mucking up one's brain, you can dress up like a circus monkey and make a complete idiot out of yourself and yet have it seem all natural.
Jane: Yeah, well it was still the same me only with a bit more energy to burn off. Either way, I hardly cared about anything that happens.
Daria: Ah yes, your apathy in the bathroom this morning was real touching.
Jane: They would have pounded you anyway, don't know how or why I even did it what I did but hey...whatever.
Daria: Yeah sure...whatever. Hardly seems a bother to care much nowadays.
Jane: So does that mean you no longer care about going crazy or that you just no longer care which means you 'will' go nuts.
Daria: I need "something" to cope with this stupid lifestyle I have.
Jane: Lifestyle?
Daria: How can I best explain this...ok, everybody's playing this real stupid sport that absolutely makes no sense or has no purpose whatsoever.
Jane: What kind of sport? Football, hockey, pro wrestling...
Daria: It doesn't matter.
Jane: How can it hardly matter when you say it's a real stupid sport.
Daria: It's still pointless so it don't matter what it really is!
Jane: Ah, well I was just trying to clarify something to help
me understand it. Please continue...
Daria: So I don't choose to play. Now, I'm watching it from off from the sides.
Jane: That's rather boring. I mean if the whole thing is meaningless and without any point to it, then what's the purpose of the whole thing?
Daria: Say that again.
Jane: I said why bother if it's all...
Daria: Now do you see what I'm saying?
Jane: I believe so. You're 'bored' with your life then?
Daria: Bored????? I have had a FREAKING bad day!! How can I be possibly "bored" with this crappy excuse for a Friday!?
Jane: Well gee, you seem to care about something so meaningless.
Daria: Oh yes...I "care" too much, like I really give a flying crap about the whole thing!
Jane: Ah......
Daria: What?
Jane: Now it all makes sense!
Daria: Oh really...
Jane: The way I figured is this...you are a sane person trying to live in an insane world. All the logic and common sense you put into it just goes "poof". Any wonder you wanted to go mad.
Daria: Well doesn't that make perfect sense, to be sane by going insane yourself? Oh I just can't figure out how it all works...
Jane: Look, they're all idiots. Forget them! No point in getting all worked up other a bunch of lame brains who don't even know what they're suppose to do. Now I know you wanted to "fit" in ...everybody goes through that in life, it's a perfectly normal stage.
Daria: A second puberty?? I nearly have this one just about finished and now you say I have to go through another one!
Jane: Do you really think the likes of Kevin, Brittany and even your sister will always be well off?
Daria: Between the NFL and the beauty industry, why not?
Jane: Do you ever think about the future?
Daria: Why, it's only the same as today only faster and worse.
Jane: People who have the spotlight on them "now" won't be counted for much later on. I mean, the people in school are in their glory days. That is the highlight of their lives.
Daria: I see, and they have shrines and altars erected for them.
Jane: But where do they go 'afterwards'? They have no where else to go but down. As for the schumcks like us, this is anything but the best time of our lives...but for all we know it could be later on, who's to say.
Daria: Who knows, anything can happen in the future...
Jane: I've just been thinking...
Daria: Hope it wasn't too strenuous.
Jane: I wonder what they'll all end up like about 10 years from now?
Daria: I'm sure we'll find out at some high school reunion later on. Wanna go to one?
Jane: HohoHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's real funny!!!!!
Daria: I'm never going to those things.
Jane: Same here. Unless...
Daria: What?
Jane: We become very successful and they end up as a bunch of dead beats. I mean to 'really' show them up.
Daria: Strut around in some fancy limo?
Jane: Yeah...and the best part about it is we can finally get to tell everybody off! Oh I can just see it.
Daria: Why stop there? Why not just go up in front of everybody and just tell them to "go stick it".
Jane: That is the deepest dream of every high schooler who had to shovel other people's crap.
Daria: Maybe this is something to look forward to.
Jane: Say, ever listen to Violent Femmes?
Daria: I heard of them, why?
Jane: They got this song called "Take Me To Your Money". It's how this guy was alienated in high school and now becomes a big rock star. His so-called "friends" want him to preform in their town but he wants them to 'pay' up. I'll pop it in right now...
[Jane gets the CD and puts it in the mini stereo. The music blasts out the speakers with pumping guitar riffs and gritty vocals.]
Daria: You know something...
Jane: What!? Speak up a bit.
Daria: I said, you know something?
Jane: What's that?
Daria: I think I feel better already.
Jane: You do??
Daria: Yeah!
Jane: Me too! It's all good baby, it's all good...