ALTERNATE ENDING #2: QUINN THE BRAIN(What if...)

by Daniel Timothy Dey 

 

 

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Note: In order to make any sense of this fanfic, you have to had seen the Daria episode #203, “Quinn the Brain.” I’m not the first person to come up with an alternative ending for this episode, or any other episode for that matter. As far as I know, the first and only person was Austin Covello. He’s got his alternative, now I’ve got mine. And while he claimed that the original episode shouldn’t have gone the way it did in his fic, I think my alternative should’ve happened. But then, I’ve got about as much of a right to say what should’ve happened as he does. I’m going to start at the scene where Jane paints while Daria lays upside-down on Jane’s bed with her hair hanging over the foot of it…in that famous position we male Daria fans all love. I also swiped some of these lines from Martin J. Pollard’s transcripts on Outpost Daria. Hope nobody minds. This fanfic was written between October 13, 2000 and July 10, 2003, thanks partially to a crappy PC and the frequent need to borrow the PC’s of other people.

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(at Jane’s house, in Jane’s room)

(Jane is painting while Daria is laying on Jane’s bed in that position all us guys love.[Come on, admit it.]).

Jane: “Hmm, by the way, anything eating away at your soul?”

Daria: “Her writing’s bad. Don’t people know the difference between good and bad?”

Jane: “She’s cute. There’s different standards for cute people.”

Daria: “You mean, no standards.”

Jane: “Right.”

Daria: “Isn’t there ever a time when how you look doesn’t affect how you’re judged?”

Jane: “When you donate an organ. Unless it’s your eyes. Listen, it’s not big deal.”

Daria: “The thing is, if she’s a brain, what do I get to be?”

Jane: “You’re still a brain.”

Daria: “Yeah, but she’s a brain with bouncy hair. I can’t compete.”

Jane: “Okay, then you get to be... A super brain. An even bigger outcast than before.”

Daria: “I don’t think I can survive being a super brain.”

Jane: “Then she’s got to be stopped. But how?”

Daria: “Oh, I know how, I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Until now.”

 

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(at school, in the hallway)

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie - (walks up)

Daria: “Yes?”

Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie: “Um, well, actually, Daria? I mean... No, never mind.” (start to leave)

Daria: “Wait.”

Jeffy: “No, um, it’s a mistake. We thought...”

Daria: “If you squinted hard enough maybe I’d look like a different Morgendorffer?”

Joey: “Um...”

Daria: “Look, do you really want Quinn back?”

Jeffy: “Yes.”

Jamie: “A thousand times yes.”

Joey: “Bring her back! You gotta bring her back!”

Daria: “Then do exactly what I say, and I’ll deliver the goods.”

 

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(at Daria’s house, in Daria’s room)

[Song: “What Do You Want From Me?,” by Monaco(just like in the original script)]

(Daria dresses up like Quinn)

Daria(to reflection in mirror): “Hi! Could you get me a soda?” (puts hand to forehead)

(doorbell rings)

Jake: “Hey dudes! Quinn! Your dates are here!”

Joey: “Actually, we’re here to ask Daria out.”

Jake: “Huh?”

Jeffy: “You know, your other daughter.”

Jamie: “By the way, how’s Quinn?”

Jeffy: “Shut up, Jamie.”

Daria: “Hi, Quinn.”

Quinn: “Hi, Daria.”

Daria: “Well, I’m off for my dates. (leans against the wall) One... two...”

Quinn: “Ugh! Wait! (runs up to Daria) You win, all right?” (Starts to run away)

Daria(teasing): “Can I come too?”

Quinn(Looking back in disgust): “Oooh, alright! But only because it’d be a complete waste for you to be all dressed up with nowhere to go.”

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(at Daria’s front door, Jake and the Triple J’s stare in amazement as Quinn, and Daria walk down the steps. Daria’s dressed like Quinn, while Quinn is wearing a blue halter-top with a pink scarf and red mini-skirt)

 

 

Jake: “Wow. Daria. If I were their age...”

Joey: “You’d be a weird old man.”

Jake: “I’d be anxious to dance with a girl like you.”

Jeffy: “Not if I get my hands on her first.

Jake: “Ah, that’s okay, dudes. I envy you three for being your age and in the presence of such beauty. I mean, is this young brunette the most beautiful woman in the house or what?”

Quinn: “Dad, don’t put any wild ideas in Daria’s  head, okay? I’m only doing this as a favor for her. The last thing I want is for people to think she’s on the same level with me.”

Jamie: “I don’t, Quinn.”

Jeffy: “Shut up, Jamie.”

Jake: “Helen. Come look in the den.”

Daria: “Oh, no.”

(Helen is just walking out of the kitchen)

Helen: “Jake, if this is another one of your tirades about evil squirrels...”(notices Daria’s new look, and gasps in delight)“Oh, Daira, I’m so proud of you!”

Daria: “Mom, just so you know, this is only for one night. I’m trying to get an early start on the Halloween spirit.”

Helen: “Don’t be so modest. I knew you had it in you. You should keep dressing this way more often. You’ll soon find a surprising number of benefits if you look more presentable.”

Daria: “As I stated before, this is just a one-time deal.”

Jake: “Now how can you say that? One reason I married your mother was because she was gorgeous. And I knew if we had daughters, they’d be as gorgeous as her.”

Joey: “I had a sneaking suspicion that Daria was really a babe.”

Jeffy: “Well, I didn’t at first, but eventually I realized she had to be a beauty. I mean after all she’s related to Quinn, and it obviously runs in the family.”

(Joey and Jeffy mutter in agreement. Jake joins in, and Jamie seems to go along with them. Quinn seems nervous over the potential revelation of their sisterhood and stops the men in the middle of their chatter)

Quinn: “Let’s go Daria. I want to get this over with.”

 

Quinn walks out followed by Jamie, then Daria as Joey and Jeffy follow them. Helen tries to stop her before she leaves.

 

Helen: “See what happens when you try to fit in, Daria?”

Daria: “Yeah, you turn into someone you wish you never became.”

Jake: “Huh?”

Daria: “Good night, Dad…Mom. Don’t wait up.”

 

Daria closes the door as Helen glares at Jake.

 

Jake(defensive): “What?”

 

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[Song(on car radio): “Groovin’ On You,” by Juned.]

(In Jamie’s car. Quinn is up front with Jamie, while Daria is in the back seat with Joey and Jeffy)

 

Daria(teasing): “Would anybody like me to rest my head on their shoulders?” 

Quinn(Frustrated Grunt).

Jamie: “You can rest on my shoulder, Quinn.”

Quinn: “That’s fine, Jamie.”

Daria(still teasing): “Why don’t we go to Chez Pierre?(sing-song) I’ve got coupons.”

Quinn(Similar grunt, but whinier).

Daria(teasing): “Something wrong, Quinn?” 

Quinn(angrily): “No, I just thought we’d be better off at Pizza King.”

Daria: “Pizza king, it is.”

(Brief pause. Jeffy tries to make a move on Daria.)

Daria (to Joey, teasing): “I like brunettes. Do you like brunettes, Joey?”

Joey (Still mesmerized, not thinking): “Uh, huh.”

Jeffy: “I can dye my hair if you like.”

 

Quinn looks away toward the passenger side window, green with envy. Jamie occasionally looks at her with concern and sympathy, but has to concentrate on his driving.

 

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(at Pizza King)

 

Quinn: “Daria, would you mind sitting at another table?”

Joey: “I’ll sit with you, Daria.”

Jeffy: “Yeah, me too.”

Joey: “No, just me.”

Jamie: “I’ll sit with you Quinn.”

Quinn: “Sure, Jamie. I could use the company (V.O.)….not to mention the chance to prove I’m more popular than Daria.”

Jamie:  “Alright!”

 

 

Quinn & Jamie and Daria, Joey and Jeffy are now at separate stalls. Unfortunately for Quinn, they can see each other. Out of nowhere, Daria kisses Jeffy smack dab on the lips. He’s more surprised about it than she is. She then goes to Joey who’s eagerly anticipating another smooch-fest from Daria.

 

 

Jamie now realizes Daria’s trying to make Quinn jealous. So he reaches over to french kiss Quinn.

 

 

Quinn: “Auuugh! That’s disgusting!!”

(Storms off into the girls’ bathroom.)

 

Daria: “Okay guys. I think you’ll get her back in a few days.”

(Joey and Jeffy moan in disappointment)

Jamie: “But she just said…”

Daria(interrupting): “Don’t worry, Jamie. In a few days she’ll be back to normal.”

Joey: “Uh, Daria.”

Daria: “Yes?”

Joey: “Would you mind if I kissed you one more time? Pleeease?”

Daria: “Well, alright.”

(Joey and Daria move in on each other, hugging while running their hands through each other’s hair. Viewers see the back of Joey’s head nearly covering all of Daria’s face).

 

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(at school, in the hallway)

Jane: “And you What?!”

Daria: “I dressed up like Quinn. I went out with Joey and Jeffy, while Quinn had Jamie.  She nearly flipped.”

Jane: “I’d love to make a videotape of that. (Daria glares and smirks at Jane) But seriously, how did it go?”

Daria: “Not bad, considering their collective I.Q.’s. Joey’s actually quite a good kisser, for someone so stupid, desperate and inexperienced.”

Jane: “You didn’t go any further than that, like have a threesome with them, did you?”

Daria: “With them? I don’t think either one of them could handle the shock.”

Jane(Relieved): “Neither could I.”

(Camera pans over to the fashion club walking by)

Quinn: “Yeah, I didn’t even write the essay, I found it in the garbage and handed it in. The whole thing was like a runaway train.”

Sandi: “Well that still doesn’t explain black clothes. But I guess I can let it slide.”

Quinn: “Don’t worry, I’m through being an intellectual. I’m too well-adjusted.”

Tiffany: “Messing with the mind can be so dangerous.”

Quinn: “Tell me about it.”

Jane: “I guess things are back to normal.”

Daria: “Fashion... Good. Thinking... Bad.”

Jane: “Yeah, we win.”

Daria: “I’m on top of the world.”

(closing credits)  

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Comments: Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? Admittedly, it’s not the original, but I still think it’s a pretty cool alternative. Of course, if the writers actually did make it end like this, we wouldn’t have seen Quinn try to bribe Daria with a double date in “The New Kid”(#207), because Quinn would’ve learned her lesson here. After all, she’s not a complete idiot, like Kevin & Brittany.

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Disclaimer: Daria was created  by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. The episode “Quinn the Brain” was written by Rachel Lipman. All characters and the rest of the supporting cast, are property of MTV Productions, and are used without permission. This story is not to be sold or profited from, nor was it intended to be sold or profited from by the author. Besides, the original should be on DVD anyway and if it is by the time you’re reading this, you should buy that instead. Thanks to the denizens of the Paperpusher Message Board for their compliments and other comments.

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