daria
in
part two
INT: Cashman’s
Stacy’s browsing a rack full of jackets while Quinn flips through some jeans. Quinn’s thoughts seem to be elsewhere.
Stacy: So I came back with the water, and Sandi was just gone. Apparently, she’d realized what a scene she had made and ran off. I think she actually took the bus home. That would just be so humiliating!
Quinn: Mm.
Stacy: What do you think of the yellow one, Quinn? (she holds up a bright yellow jacket) I mean, would it look good on me?
Quinn: (not paying attention) Sure, Stacy.
Stacy frowns just a bit.
Stacy: How about this red one? (she keeps holding up the yellow one)
Quinn: It goes with your hair.
Stacy: Quinn, you’re not even looking!
Quinn: (finally looks) What? I mean, I’m sorry, Stacy. I’ve got a lot on my mind.
Stacy: (instantly sympathetic) Really? What’s going on?
Quinn: Stacy, have you ever been in a situation where you had to do something, and you knew it was the right thing, but you just couldn’t because no matter how hard you tried, the problem just kept getting worse?
Stacy: God, I know exactly how you feel.
Quinn: You do?
Stacy: It’s like that time I tried to put some highlights in my hair and it just came out so fake, and then I had to dye it back but that just made it worse and then –
Quinn: (sadly) Never mind, Stacy.
INT: Morgendorffer kitchen
Daria sits at the table, reading her favorite newspaper. The headline reads “Cat Lady Committed”. Jake’s cooking up something.
Jake: Hey kiddo! Want to be the first to try out Jake’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy Hamburger Pie?
Daria: Please, father. I promise to be good from now on. Give me another chance.
Jake: Huh?
Helen comes in, on her cell phone for a change.
Helen: Look, I’ll tell you again, it’s a matter of practicality. Greenpeace says you can’t build there because the Warbler’s Jumping Rat is endangered… Well, of course we don’t dispute that, the numbers speak for themselves… We just turn it to our advantage! Our position will be that if there’s only one left, the species isn’t too bloody likely to bounce back whether we break ground in December or not!
Daria: Besides, I think I saw that last one go into the Hamburger Pie.
Jake: You know, speaking of animals, has anyone seen anything weird around here lately?
Daria: I see weird things on a daily basis.
Jake: I mean… well, have you by any chance seen any animals around the house?
Daria notices a cat leaping onto the counter behind Jake. No one else sees it.
Daria: Animals? What sort of animals?
Helen: (still on the phone) It’s the perfect argument! If they do manage to find any more than that first one, it just reinforces that they’re not all that endangered a species!
Jake: The other day, there was a cat in the bathroom! And then there was a dog here in the kitchen! And I could swear one of my bunny slippers hopped away this morning!
Daria: Dad… you didn’t actually eat those leftovers in the fridge, did you?.
The cat has been moving along the counter to a position where Helen is sure to spot it. Daria’s eyes go wide. She gets up from her chair and moves quickly to intercept the cat.
Daria: Hey, mom! Want to, um, hear about what I did in school today?
Helen: One moment, dear – No, not you Eric!
Daria manages to get between her mother and the cat. Jake, unfortunately, still has a clear view.
Jake: A-HA! Look, look, there’s one of them now!!
Jake dashes for the cat, which immediately recognizes its dangerous position and jumps from the counter, racing into the living room. Jake gives chase, but Daria happens to stick a foot out at just the wrong moment and trips him up. Jake grabs onto whatever he can to keep himself from falling, which unfortunately turns out to be Helen.
Helen: Jake, what’s the – AAAAHH!!!
Jake pulls Helen to the floor on top of him, upsetting the kitchen garbage as he does. They end up in a heap, covered in an assortment of wet trash.
Helen: (agonized) My phone!!
Jake: Dammit! He got away again!!
Daria: I’ve got to start keeping a camera in my pocket for these sort of occasions.
… the next week...
INT: Hallway
Daria stands outside the door to the Gifted and Talented classroom.
Daria: (to herself) Two more weeks. You can do this.
INT: Classroom
The classroom is in its usual state of chaos. Daria wades in, ducking to avoid a flying paper airplane.
Gordon: That’s very good, Samuel. This time, let’s try folding a little more curve into the upper surface of the wing, so you get more lift.
Daria: Teaching kids to make a better paper airplane. This is really going too far. (she looks around for Link) Link? Where are you?
Marty: (approaching Daria) Can I sit on your feet again?
Daria: No. Have you seen Link?
Marty: Who cares? He never joins in any of the discussions.
Daria: (angry) Some people like to have a little time by themselves. That’s no reason to not care about them.
Marty: He’s mean. Just like you.
Daria: You know, just because someone doesn’t like you, that doesn’t make them mean.
Marty turns and stomps away.
Daria: (under her breath) It might just mean they have taste.
Marge: Oh Daria, there you are. I was hoping you might be able to tell me where Larry is today.
Daria: (angrier by the minute) His name is Link.
Marge: Oh, yes. Well, we were all worried about him, and –
Daria: Really? Which of you were worried about him? The kids over there throwing paper airplanes, or the ones sitting in a circle talking about the moral decay in the modern city?
Marge: Really, Daria, there’s no need to –
Daria: Or maybe it’s the poser who can’t even get his name right.
Daria turns and exits, her anger tightly contained.
INT: Mr. Clay’s Office, Animal Shelter
Mr. Clay is doing some paperwork when there’s a knock on his door.
Mr. Clay: Come in!
Quinn: (peeking around the door) You seem really busy Mr. Clay, should I come back later?
Mr. Clay: No, I’ll be even busier later. What’s on your mind, Quinn?
Quinn: Well, I was just thinking about some more ways we could help some of the animals here. I thought maybe we could go to the elementary schools in the area and bring some of the puppies and kitties along, and talk to the kids about how we take care of them and how important it is to adopt animals instead of buying them from a store and stuff.
Mr. Clay: Quinn –
Quinn: And then I thought about how we could do the same thing for the Girl Scouts and the Boy Scouts, and maybe all the publicity would be helpful too, to get us funding and stuff. Oh, and I wanted to tell you I’ve been working really hard all week and I was able to get all the animals on the list a home, but some people can’t come and get them right away so could we keep some of the animals around a little longer that would have been… you know, tomorrow?
Mr. Clay: Quinn, I’m afraid we’ve got a real crisis going on right now. It’s probably best that I tell you now instead of having you find out later.
Quinn: What’s wrong?
Mr. Clay: Maybe you saw in the paper about how the local police found that house where an old woman was keeping about forty cats and dogs. They were not, needless to say, getting the proper care. The animals were confiscated and brought here a few days ago. This is stretching our resources considerably, and when you add that to our usual weekly additions, I’m afraid we’re at almost double the safe capacity for this facility.
Quinn: (wary) What does that mean?
Mr. Clay: It means, Quinn, that we have to make some room. And I’ve explained to you that there’s only one way we can do that.
Quinn: But that’s not fair! I worked so hard and I got all these pets new homes and now you’re going to have to kill some of them anyway?
Mr. Clay: We might be able to keep those few that you’ve arranged for already, but that still leaves almost thirty animals that we have absolutely no room for.
Quinn: Th-thirty?
Mr. Clay: Perhaps it would be best if you went home now, Quinn. I know this is very difficult for you. There’s no need for you to stay around and become even more upset.
Quinn: NO! We have to do something! This isn’t right!!
Mr. Clay: Quinn, I’ve explained to you, we have no choice. I really feel you should go home now.
Quinn: But…
Mr. Clay: It’s for your own good, Quinn. I’ve already sent your friend Tiffany home. I can call your parents to come get you, if you like.
Quinn:
(with an air of defeat) No. Thank you, Mr. Clay.
(she gets up and leaves, the tears dropping off her face)
Mr. Clay watches her go, then sits down, shaking his head sadly.
INT: Morgendorffer Living Room
Helen is standing by the door with some suitcases. Daria is watching TV. Jake is crouched behind the suitcases, glancing around nervously.
Helen: Now Daria, I need you and Quinn to be on your best behavior while we're gone.
Daria: Yes, Mommy. We'll be good little girls.
Jake: Helen! There's a little dog over there behind the chair!
There is, but Helen isn't looking.
Helen: Of course, dear. I'm serious, Daria. Your father desperately needs a weekend out of the house, and we just don't have time to arrange for you and Quinn to go stay anywhere. I don't want to come home and find a mess.
Daria: I'm not cleaning up after that dog.
Jake: See! Daria sees the dog! There is a dog, Helen!!
Helen: Daria, please don't feed your father's paranoia. We'll be back on Sunday night.
Helen takes the bag and starts to lead Jake out the door.
Jake: A cat! There's a cat on the sofa!!
Helen: Come on, Jake!
Jake and Helen leave. Daria reaches over to the cat next to her and scratches it behind the ears as she watches TV.
INT: Daria’s room
Daria is in her bed, reading. A pair of cats are curled up on her lap, and she supports the book on them. The loud slam of the front door makes her wince.
Quinn: (from downstairs, and frantic) DAAARIA!
Daria winces again. The cats jump up and run off.
Quinn: (coming up the stairs) DARIA! Where are you??!?
Daria: She’s not in here!
Quinn: (bursting into Daria’s room. Her face is streaked with tears) Oh, Daria, this is awful! I was at the shelter today and I tried to talk to the manager and tell him that he couldn’t kill those poor little puppies and kitties and he said something about (sobbing breath) how they didn’t have any choice and that I should just go home and there’s over thirty of them and they’re going to kill them tomorrow and what do I DO?? (she drops onto the foot of the bed, narrowly missing a small rabbit)
Daria: (puts her book aside) Um, Quinn… I think you’ve really done all you can. I mean, take a look around. You did manage to save some of them, even if we don’t know what to do with them all. And I’m sure Dad will someday forget all about his brush with madness.
Quinn: But it’s not FAIR! Those dogs and cats and things never hurt anyone, and they’re all so sweet and cute and everything! I mean, I’d take them all home if I could, but I can’t because there’s just too many of them and I can’t sneak them out!
Daria: (genuine) I’m sorry, Quinn.
Quinn: (suddenly angry) That’s not good enough!
Daria: Huh?
Quinn: Daria, remember that one time when I did that huge favor for you and you said you owed me a favor in return with no questions asked? Well, I’m calling you on it! You’re really smart and I know you can find a way to do this. (desperately) Please, Daria, I don’t think I could take it if we just sit back and let it happen!
Daria: Quinn, I want to help, but –
Quinn: (stands up) NO! You have to at least try! You have to try, Daria!
Daria: (sighs) All right. I’ll try.
Quinn: Oh, thank you! (she steps forward)
Daria: No hugs! I need ten minutes alone. No distractions. I need to clear my head. When I come out of my room I’ll have a plan.
Quinn smiles hopefully, picks up a cat, and leaves the room. Daria lies back on her bed and stares at the ceiling. Her pose is relaxed, but her eyes are intense.
INT: Morgendorffer Living Room
Quinn is lethargically playing with a cat, trailing a piece of string in front of it.
Daria: (from the stairs) Get in the car, Quinn. We’re taking a ride down to the shelter.
Quinn: They won’t listen, Daria…
Daria: Doesn’t matter, I’ve got nothing to say to them. But if we’re going to break a couple dozen dogs and cats out of there tonight, I need to do a little reconnaissance.
Quinn turns and stares at Daria, her expression a mix of surprise and hope.
INT: Jake’s Lexus, parked outside the shelter
Daria: All right, Quinn. You stay low. I’m going to go in and ask about a puppy or something. I take it you’ve never mentioned having a sister to any of the staff?
Quinn: Why would I do that?
Daria gets out of the car and heads in.
A FEW MINUTES LATER:
Daria gets back in the car.
Quinn: How did it go?
Daria: Quinn, you didn’t tell me that among the dogs on death row are a pair of fully-grown Great Danes and a St. Bernard.
Quinn: You mean Moose? Isn’t he cute?
Daria: I don’t think the Lexus is going to work for this. We need something with cargo space.
INT: Lane Residence
The doorbell is ringing. Trent answers it to find Daria and Quinn.
Trent: What is it? Oh, hey Daria. Hey, um, you.
Quinn: Quinn!
Daria: We need your help, Trent. Can you get your hands on the Tank tonight?
Trent: Uh, I guess so. Are you moving out, or something?
Daria and Quinn: I wish.
Daria: (glares at Quinn) Actually, we should talk about this inside. It’s a little complicated.
INT: Lane household
Quinn is looking around nervously at the usual Lane atmosphere. Daria calls upstairs.
Daria: Jane! You up there?
Jane: (pokes her head around the top of the stairs) No time to talk, big, secret plot going on up here!
Daria: Same thing going on down here!
Jane: Cool! I’ll be right down!
Daria: Bring a big piece of paper, OK?
Daria leads the group into the kitchen. Trent makes use of the coffee maker, and Quinn gingerly sits down as if afraid to touch the chair more than necessary.
Jane: (coming in) Where should I put this?
Daria: Here.
Jane puts the paper on the table, where it picks up a couple of stains.
Daria: Okay. You’re probably wondering why I asked you here today.
Jane: (indicating Quinn) I’m more curious about what she’s doing here.
Daria: A necessary evil. Remember when we were talking about the animal shelter, and how they were about to send some of the inmates off to join the choir invisible?
Jane: Vaguely, yes. Is this going to take long?
Quinn: Daria has a plan to save them!
Silence.
Trent: Cool. (sips coffee)
Jane: She’s not kidding, is she?
Daria: As much as I wish she were, no. Tonight, we’re busting two dozen flea-bitten mutts and other assorted creatures out of the pound.
Jane: I see. Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that you’ve lost your mind. Once we have them out, what do you intend to do? Build an ark and hope for rain?
Quinn: We can take them to the other shelter in Fremont, you know, where they don’t kill the animals.
Jane: Quinn, that’s over a hundred miles.
Trent: The Tank can make it.
Jane: That’s questionable, but let’s move on. How do you plan to get inside in order to get them out? I mean, it’s not Fort Knox or Lawndale High, but I assume they lock the doors.
Daria: Not all the doors. (She starts to draw a floorplan on the paper) Here’s the basic layout of the place. Front room, vet’s office, cages, and the dog run outside. That’s our way in.
Jane: You mean…
Daria: The dog flap. Exactly.
Jane: And who exactly is going to crawl through there?
Quinn: You’re about a size two, aren’t you?
Jane: (eyes widening) Forget it. No way. This is beyond insane.
Trent: Come on, Jane. It’ll be fun.
Daria: Besides, haven’t you always wanted to do a scene with a poodle?
Jane: Look, aside from the fact that I think you’re all off your collective rocker, I happen to know for certain that I won’t fit through a dog flap.
Daria: From experience?
Jane: Don’t go there. Besides, I have my own agenda. As much as I’d like to get arrested for breaking and entering, tonight was going to be more of a vandalism night.
Quinn: But you can’t not help us!
Daria: Relax, Quinn. There’s no way Jane would turn down the opportunity to witness an event like this. Is there, Jane?
Jane: (frowning) Damn your insidious logic, Morgendorffer. All right, I’m in.
Quinn: Oh, thank you Jane!
Jane: No hugs!
Quinn: Ewww!!
Daria: All right, we have to wait until dark to make our move. In the meantime, Quinn, I need you to drive back home and start packing up your little zoo. Meet us at the animal shelter at ten o’clock. Oh, and bring some money.
Quinn: What for?
Daria: We need to gas up three vehicles tonight for a two-hundred mile round trip, and one of them sucks more fuel than a battleship. No one said this plan would be cheap, you know.
Quinn exits
Daria: We should head over to Max’s place and pick up the Tank. It is in reasonable working order, isn’t it?
Jane: I don’t think the hot glue has fallen off yet.
Daria: Oh, terrific.
Jane: Listen, I need to get a few things for my own little project tonight. Why don’t the two of you take Trent’s car over and steal the Tank. It’s about seven o’clock right now, you should make it back here by ten.
Trent: It’s only eight blocks.
Jane: This is the Tank we’re talking about.
Trent: That’s a good point. Come on, Daria, we don’t want to be late.
Trent exits
Daria: What are you cooking up, Jane? Because if this is about getting me and Trent alone for a while, I’m really past that.
Jane: You wound me, Daria. Seriously, I do have my own plans that have nothing to do with you. But you’re right, I wouldn’t miss this little adventure for anything. Can I take Polaroids?
Daria: Remember that episode of Sick, Sad World where the three guys broke into a lingerie shop and took video of themselves trying everything on? Remember how that video was used against them at their trial? Remember how we couldn’t believe how stupid they were?
Jane: All right, you’ve made your point. Go with Trent before he falls asleep.
Daria exits
INT: Morgendorffer home
Quinn is running after her animals, trying to get them put into boxes without much success.
Quinn: Come on, Frankie, we have to go now! Oh, Flopsy, get back here!
Quinn chases a rabbit behind the couch. There’s a loud screech from a cat, and she stumbles and falls, dropping the puppy she was holding.
Quinn: Oops… sorry, Matilda.
INT: Lane Home
Trent and Daria walk in on Jane, who’s packing cans of paint in boxes.
Jane: Took you long enough.
Daria: We stopped for gas. I thought it would be better to get it now, as opposed to when the van is full of dogs.
Jane: Good plan. Well, I’m just about ready to go here. You guys go get a head start in the Tank, I need to load this into Trent’s trunk.
Daria: What are you up to, anyway?
Jane: All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Trent: Is there any food around here?
Daria: We’ll get drive through.
Trent: The Tank doesn’t fit through most of them.
Daria: We’ll manage. See you at the shelter, Jane.
Jane: You do have a backup plan for when I don’t fit in the dog flap, don’t you?
Daria: I’m working on it. (as she turns to leave, her face gets an expression of defeat. She has no idea.)
INT: The Tank
Trent’s driving, Daria’s staring out the window.
Daria: Um, Trent?
Trent: Yo.
Daria: Do you think I’m totally crazy for trying to do this?
Trent: Hey, me and Jesse did a lot crazier things than this back in high school. And we didn’t usually get caught.
Daria: That’s reassuring.
Trent: You want some more fries?
Daria: Mm. Trent, do you have any idea how we’re going to get in?
Trent: Don’t worry Daria, we’ll think of something.
Daria: The best I’ve come up with is to tie the Tank’s rear axle to a doorknob and try to pull the door open. But knowing this thing, we’d probably pull the axle off instead.
Trent: Yeah. I don’t want to go through that again.
Daria looks sideways at Trent, and decides not to ask. She returns to the window.
Trent: (squinting ahead) I wonder what that’s all about?
Daria: (not looking) What?
Trent: There’s a midget with a suitcase up ahead.
Daria: Huh? (she turns to look. Her eyes go wide with surprise) Trent, pull over!
The van pulls to a stop next to the "midget"
Daria: Link? What the hell are you doing out here?
Link: (not stopping or looking up) Leave me alone. I don’t know who sent you, but you’re not talking me out of this.
Daria: What are you talking about? Nobody sent me. (she gets out of the van and jogs a bit to catch up with Link) Where are you going?
Link: I don’t care. Anywhere’s better than here.
Daria: You’ve never been to Highland, Texas, have you?
Link: Look, just go away, all right? (Link is so angry he doesn’t see a crack in the sidewalk ahead. He trips and falls, scattering the contents of his suitcase everywhere and skinning his elbow.) Dammit!
Daria: Did you hurt yourself?
Link: (sniffling, on the verge of tears) I’m fine! Go away!
Daria: You know I can’t do that.
Link: You’re not taking me back there. I’m never going back.
Daria: Okay, we’ll work something out. But you can’t just sit here bleeding all over the sidewalk. Come on, I’m sure we have some bandages in the Tank.
Link: The what?
Daria: The van, here. Let me help you.
Link: I don’t need help!
Daria: (losing patience) Link, I have a lot going on tonight, and I really don’t have time for this. You and I both know that eventually you’ll get tired of arguing with me and get in the van. So why don’t we just save ourselves some grief.
Link: What are you doing that’s so important? Big date, or something?
Daria: Actually, we’re driving down to the animal shelter to rescue a bunch of cats and dogs from certain death.
Link: Funny. You should have your own TV show.
Daria: Link, if you don’t come with me, I’ll be forced to call the police and report you as a runaway. Neither one of us wants that.
Link: (sits and thinks for a moment) All right. But if you try to take me home, you know I’ll just sneak out again.
Daria: We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.
Together, they gather up Link’s belongings and head back to the Tank.
Trent: Hey, Daria. Who’s your friend?
Daria: This is Link. He’s running away from home. Link, this is Trent. He’s got experience in that field as well, I’d imagine.
Link: (wrinkling nose) This van stinks.
Trent: That’s funny. We just hosed it out last July.
Daria: Let’s move on, Trent. Come on, Link, there’s a first-aid kit in the back.
EXT: Animal Shelter
Quinn waits impatiently in the parking lot, tapping her foot, looking at her watch every three seconds. Distressed animal noises come from the Lexus.
Quinn: Come on, Daria…
A car pulls up. It’s Jane.
Jane: (getting out) Hey, Quinn. The Tank’s not here yet?
Quinn: No! And they’re almost late!
Jane: Maybe they’re fashionably late. You should be able to relate to that. Come on, let’s get some of those flea hotels moved into Trent’s car. They’ll be a little less upset if they’re in dirtier surroundings.
TIME PASSES
As Jane and Quinn finish the transfer operation, the Tank finally arrives.
Quinn: (running up to the window) It’s about freakin’ time! Where have you been?
Trent: We had to stop and pick up a hitchhiker.
Daria: (emerging with Link) Sorry to say, he’s not a cute cowboy.
Link: What are we doing here?
Daria: I told you, but you wouldn’t believe me.
Link: Wait a minute, you really are setting a bunch of animals loose? (He smiles a bit for the first time) Cool!
Quinn: Are you crazy, Daria! What are you doing dragging a kid into this?
Link looks at Quinn for the first time. His jaw drops open.
Link: Who’s that, Daria?
Daria: That’s Quinn. My sister. She’s the reason we’re out here in the middle of the night about to commit a felony.
Link: That’s your sister?
Daria: Or distant cousin, depending whom you ask.
Link: She’s… she’s so…
Daria looks down at Link, and recognizes the stare, blush response, and sudden perspiration.
Daria: Oh, lord.
Quinn: Well, we’ve wasted enough time, let’s get started! (she stalks off toward the building)
Link: Hey, Quinn! Wait for me! (he runs after her)
Daria: I can’t believe this.
Jane: Come on, Daria. You should be able to identify with that kind of behavior.
Trent: Huh?
Daria: Choose your next words very carefully, Jane. They may be your last.
EXT: Just outside the Dog Run fence.
Link: So, what’s the plan?
Daria: We need to get in through the dog flap. Originally, I was going to have Jane do it, but she’s probably not going to fit.
Quinn: Link could do it! Wow, Daria, what a great idea to bring him along!
Daria: Hold on, now. It’s one thing that we’re doing this, it’s another to drag a child into it.
Link: Who are you calling child?
Daria: I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Jane: Look, Daria. We’re already getting into conspiracy, breaking and entering, burglary, and transporting animals across state lines without a permit. What’s a little contribution to the delinquency of a minor after all that?
Daria: Yeah. As long as the rope’s around our neck, we may as well jump off the horse.
Quinn: It’s the only way.
Link: I can do it, Daria.
Daria: (considers) All right. But before we do anything, listen to this. This is our last chance to back out. We can walk away right now and pretend this never happened. If we get caught, we will likely spend the night in jail. Quinn, this means a serious drop in your popularity. Link, you’ll likely get sent to a whole string of new therapists. Jane, since your parents aren’t around, you’ll probably be put in a foster home for the next six months until you’re eighteen. Trent, I don’t need to tell you that since you’re the only legal adult here, you could be risking prison. Are we all ready to do this?
Quinn: (swallows hard) Ready!
Jane: Born ready.
Trent: (indifferent) Sure.
Link: (pulls out a pair of shades and puts them on) Let’s rock.
EXT: Rear of building, Animal Shelter
Music: Mission Impossible. Trent backs the tank up carefully to the fence, bumping it slightly. He shuts the motor off and gets out. Links accepts a boost from him and climbs on top of the Tank.
Link: (a little scared) It’s kind of a long drop…
Quinn: You can do it, Link. I know you can.
Link turns to smile at Quinn, loses his balance, and slips off the van into the pen.
Link: Ooof!
Daria: Link! Are you all right?
Quinn: Link?
Jane: Talk to us, kid!
Link pulls himself up on the fence.
Link: Piece of cake.
Suddenly, there’s a loud barking from inside the building. A large Rotweiller bursts out through the flap and growls at Link.
Link: Eep!
Daria: Quinn, what the hell is that?
Quinn: Oh, no. That’s Crusher. I didn’t know they let him roam free at night.
Link: C-Crusher?
Jane: Quinn, the appropriate time to mention lethal guard dogs was at least an hour ago.
Link: Help me…
Quinn: Daria, Trent, Jane, help me up!
Daria: What are you doing?
Quinn: I think I can calm him down, but I have to get in there! Now help me up!
Using Trent as a stepladder, Quinn scrambles to the top of the Tank and immediately falls into the dog run.
Daria: Quinn!
Jane: Quinn!
Trent: Are you okay?
Quinn: No! I landed in a big pile of –
Link: Crap! He’s getting closer!
Quinn: It’s okay. Don’t let him know you’re afraid. Come here, Crusher… come on, you remember me, right?
Crusher growls a bit more, but it’s a little less threatening.
Quinn: Come on, puppy dog… that’s a good boy…
Crusher comes up close and sniffs at Quinn’s hand. His growling stops.
Quinn: Oh, good puppy… (she scratches behind his ears)
Link: Puppy?
Daria: Link! The door!
Link: Uh, sure. There aren’t any more Crushers in there, are there?
Quinn: No, just him. Isn’t that right, you precious little darling!
Crusher rolls over and lets Quinn rub his tummy.
Trent: That’s just wrong.
Jane: Don’t knock it, it worked.
Facing Crusher the whole time, Link slides around behind Quinn and crawls up to the dog flap. He crawls in head first – it’s a tight fit, but he makes it.
Daria: All right. Let’s head around to the front door. You okay in there for a moment, Quinn?
Quinn: When I get home, I’m throwing away this outfit.
Daria: Naturally. You’ve worn it once, after all.
INT: Shelter
Link creeps through the dark building. The animals are rousing themselves and taking interest in this unexpected activity. A few cats start mewing. The dogs, for the most part, are pressing their noses against the cages. Link’s nervous, but keeps going until he reaches the front door, where he lets Daria and Trent inside.
Jane: Nice work, Link. We’ll make a hoodlum out of you yet.
Link: I could get to like this.
Daria: Jane, you’re not helping. Okay, we need to get Quinn back in here, and lock up Crusher somehow. Then we figure out which of these guys are getting the axe tomorrow. We’ll need some pet carriers and some leashes for the big dogs. I hope Quinn knows where they’re kept.
Link: I’ll ask her! (runs off)
Daria: What is up with that?
Trent: Come on, Daria. Haven’t you ever had a crush on someone?
Daria: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Trent.
TIME PASSES
EXT: Dog run
Quinn comes out the door with a large ring filled with keys. She flips through them, selects one, and applies it to a padlock on an outside gate. The lock pops off.
Quinn: (whispering) Come on!
Daria emerges with a couple of carriers, followed by Link with smaller carriers. Trent brings out two Great Danes on leashes.
Daria: Put the small ones in the back seat of the Lexus. The big dogs go in the Tank.
Jane: What about this chinchilla?
Daria: Do I have to solve everything? I don’t know, stick it in the Tank or something.
A BIT LATER…
Quinn comes out with the St. Bernard. The dog follows her halfway into the Tank, then sits down, yawns, and starts scratching.
Quinn: Oh, great.
Trent: Here, let me try. (Trent tries to push the dog up into the van, but it just won’t go.)
Daria: Trent, you might as well be pushing the Rock of Gibraltar.
Trent: (perks up) Hey, that would be a great name for a band.
Link: No, you’re doing it all wrong. Hey, Moose!
The dog slowly turns to look at him. Link jumps up into the van and holds out a large biscuit.
Link: Come on, Moose! Come on up here!
The dog rises and hops up into the van.
Link: Got him! (He jumps out and Trent closes the door)
Quinn: That was great, Link!
Link: (blushing) It was nothing…
Daria: All right, we’ve taken too long here already. If someone saw us, they might have called the cops. We need to go now. Trent, you get started on the way to Fremont. I need to get Link home.
Link: I want to go with you!
Daria: I can’t take you on a hundred-mile road trip, Link. Do you know how much trouble I’d get in?
Link: (scowls) Oh, but having me jump over a fence, face down a killer dog, break into the city pound and set loose thirty cats and dogs is all fine and good.
Daria: Link…
Link: I’m not going home. You can’t make me do it, you know. I’m faster than you.
Daria: You’re not faster than Jane.
Jane: Hey, leave me out of this.
Quinn: Come on, Daria, we have to go!
Daria: If we get caught with you –
Link: I’ll say I was running away and you picked me up. It’s the truth.
Daria: How do we explain the animals?
Link: That’s your problem. You’d have to explain them whether I was there or not.
Quinn: Daria! Let’s GO, for God’s sake!
A ruckus erupts from inside the Tank.
Trent: Uh, Daria, the dogs are getting nervous.
Link: I didn’t want to have to do this. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small silver object) This is a dog whistle. I lifted it while I was inside. You let me come with you, or I’ll blow this thing so hard those dogs will be breaking down the doors.
Daria: That’s a pen.
Link: Damn.
Quinn: Uh, guys, I think the reason those dogs are so upset could be those sirens in the distance.
Jane: ALL RIGHT, Jane’s in charge as of now. Trent, drive the Tank. Link, get in there with him and do what you can to keep the dogs quiet. Quinn, Daria, get in the Lexus and make tracks. I’ll take Trent’s car. Move-move-move!
Everyone moves. In moments, they’re pulling out of the parking lot. Seconds later, a police car goes by on a cross street, heading in the opposite direction.
INT: Lexus
Mews and whimpers from distressed animals in the background.
Quinn: (breathing a sigh of relief) They didn’t see us.
Daria: That was way too close. Well, we have a long way ahead of us with a lot of nervous creatures. This was certainly how I planned to spend my Friday night.
Quinn: Come on, Daria, it’s not like you had a date or something.
Daria: Look, why don’t you try to get some sleep? You must be tired.
Quinn: Since when do you care?
Daria: I don’t. But you’re a lot quieter when you’re asleep.
Quinn: Fine! (she turns on her side, facing away from Daria)
silence
Quinn: Daria?
Daria: Your teddy bear is at home. Use a cat or something.
Quinn: I just wanted to say… thanks.
Daria: Mm. (she checks to see if Quinn is looking, then smiles.)
INT: Trent’s car (Jane’s driving it)
Jane: (singing along with the radio, badly) Oh lord, won’t you buy me, a Mercedes Benz… my friends all drive Porsches, I must make ay-mends…
INT: Tank
Trent’s driving, one arm out the window. Link is watching the telephone poles go by out his side. There’s a long silence, broken only by the various noises being made by the dogs. Link looks over at Trent, as if expecting him to say something.
Link: Well?
Trent: Well, what?
Link: Aren’t you going to ask me why I was running away?
Trent: Nah.
more silence
Link: Why not?
Trent: Your business, not mine.
pause
Link: Daria said you ran away before.
Trent: Kind of. I moved into the back yard for a few months.
Link: That’s not running away.
Trent: It’s all how you look at it. I was trying to see if someone gave enough of a damn to invite me back in. I might have run away for the same reason.
Link: I don’t want to go back.
Trent: Bummer.
Link: Hey, you’re not making me go back, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Trent: I meant, it’s a bummer things suck for you so much that you don’t want to.
Link: You got that right.
further silence
Link: So, what happened with the back yard thing? You still living there?
Trent: (laughs and coughs) Nah. Janey asked if I could come back because she was scared of this lightning storm. We were pretty young then, though. I was about your age, I guess.
Link: At least somebody wanted you around. No one at my house cares if I’m around or not.
Trent: I guess you’re kind of doing them a favor, then.
Link: Um… yeah. (he looks uncertainly back out the window. He might be about to cry, it’s hard to tell)
INT: Lexus
A large truck sweeps by the driver’s side window, blowing its horn
Daria: Eep!
Quinn: (jumps awake) I didn’t take your nail polish, Sandi! (realizes where she is) Um… never mind.
Daria: (squinting ahead) Uh oh, we have to pull over.
Quinn: God, Daria, it was just a truck. I thought you were over the whole timid thing.
Daria: It’s not that. Jane’s stopped up ahead. I think she’s got car trouble.
EXT: Side of the road.
Jane’s kneeling by the left rear tire. The Lexus pulls up behind, followed by the Tank. Everyone gets out.
Jane: Relax, I’ve got it covered.
Daria: What’s the problem?
Jane: Flat tire. But I can handle it.
Trent: Aw, man, I knew I should have gotten another tire.
Daria: Trent, are you saying the spare’s missing?
Trent: Nah, it’s in there. But it’s got about six holes in it.
Jane: Oh, perfect. What the hell do we do now?
Daria: How did you get six holes in a tire before noticing it was flat?
Trent: Well, Monique and I had just broken up, and –
Jane: This is really a story for some other time! Dammit, what are we going to do now?
Quinn: Can’t we put all the animals into just two cars and leave this… thing here by the side of the road?
Trent: Ouch. That’s my car you’re talking about.
Daria: It wouldn’t work anyway, we can’t fit everyone into two cars. Maybe the spare from the Lexus will fit. (Daria starts to head back to the car, and notices Link wandering slowly and thoughtfully a few feet off the side of the road.) Uh, Jane, can you take care of it?
Jane: (noticing Link as well) Sure.
Daria walks over to Link, who’s found a large rock to sit on.
Daria: Hey, you all right?
Link: (sourly) Oh, I’m great. I’m an eleven-year-old runaway in the desert in the middle of nowhere. My life sucks. But otherwise, I’m fine.
Daria: (sitting down as well) Link, I wish I had some answers for you. I don’t. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Most of the time, actually.
Link: At least your parents want you around. Oh, I know mine will come and get me, but it’s just because they have to. Just like you’re going to have to take me back.
Daria: So, you are coming back with us then?
Link: Don’t treat me like I’m stupid or something. I’m coming back with you because I don’t have a choice. I’m just a child, remember?
Daria: (standing up) I’ll let you know when the tire’s fixed.
Daria heads back over to the cars, where Jane is getting the tire attached.
Jane: It’s not an exact match, but it’ll do as long as we keep the speed down to forty-five or so. Sorry, this trip just got longer.
Daria: More good news. Hey Trent, can I talk to you for a second?
Trent: Sure thing, Daria. You don’t need any more help, do you Jane?
Jane: “More” help would indicate that you’d provided some help in the first place. I’m fine, thanks.
Daria and Trent walk some distance away.
Daria: You’ve probably noticed that Links’s not doing terribly well.
Trent: He’s just mad at the world. Hates his family. We’ve all felt like that one time or another.
Daria: Yeah, but he’s in a really bad way. I mean, what if we hadn’t found him tonight? Who knows what might have happened to him?
Trent: I know what you mean. The world can be a pretty scary place sometimes. I’ve seen some weird stuff out there.
Daria: Trent, I’ve tried, and I can’t make a good connection with him. Can you talk to him? Maybe he can relate to another guy a little better.
Trent: Whoa, I don’t know, Daria. I mean, I’m not exactly a role model.
Daria: Don’t sell yourself short, Trent. You can be a pretty together guy when you want to.
Trent: I don’t think he likes me much.
Daria: He doesn’t like anyone right now. That’s the problem. I know I’ve already asked a lot from you tonight, but can you try to talk to him? I’m worried about what he might do next if he doesn’t get some help from someone.
Trent looks over at Link, who’s hanging his head down low, picking up small rocks and letting them drop from his fingers.
Trent: Okay. I’ll try.
Jane: Yo, lovebirds! Let’s get rolling!
Daria: (walking past Jane to the Lexus) You know Jane, a body left out here might not be found for weeks.
INT: The Tank
Back on the road. Most of the dogs are napping. Link is just sitting being angry. Trent keeps looking nervously in his direction, wondering what to say.
Trent: Wanna hear some music?
Link: Your van.
Trent: Actually, it’s my drummer’s van. But I actually seem to drive it a lot more than he does. Weird, that.
Link: (showing some interest despite himself) You’re in a band?
Trent: Yeah. We’re Mystic Spiral.
Link: Ever thought of changing that name? (pause) Are you any good?
Trent: Hmm… I never really thought about it.
Link almost cracks a smile.
Trent: Here, I’ve got a recording from a show we did in Fremont. That trip’s a story all its own, actually. (Trent pops a tape into the dash)
Tape: I’ve been working on the railroad, Every pointless day! I’ve been working on the railroad, While my life gets pissed away!
Trent: (stopping the tape) Whoa. I didn’t know we recorded that. Let me fast forward to the real show.
Link: No, wait. I kind of liked it.
Trent shrugs, and starts it up again. As he leans back into his seat, a chinchilla crawls onto his head. He takes no notice.
Link: Who’s singing with you?
Trent: That’s the guy who said he met Jimmy Hendrix.
INT: Trent’s car (Jane driving)
Jane: (singing along with the radio, badly) Stand by your maaaaan! Give him two arms to cling to! And someone warm to come to – wait a minute, I hate this song. (changes the station)
Radio: Near… far… wherever you are… I believe that the heart –
Jane: Nah. (changes it again)
Radio: If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife–
Jane: Uh-uh. (changes it again) Got it! (singing along) Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on that farm he had some cows…
INT: Lexus
Quinn: Daria?
Daria: Yes, Quinn?
Quinn: What’s the deal with this kid?
Daria: He has a rotten home life, so he’s running away from it. (sighs) The thing is, I don’t know how serious his situation is at home. I know running away isn’t the answer, but I really have to wonder whether it’s such a good idea just to bring him back.
Quinn: (small voice) You think maybe someone’s hurting him?
Daria: I never saw any bruises on him. He doesn’t seem scared of home, it’s more like he’s angry about it. My guess is that he’s telling it like it is, that he just doesn’t feel like he’s wanted there, or important enough for anyone to give a damn.
Quinn: That’s so sad.
Daria: And the thing is, there’s not much that can be done about that. It’s not like he’s being beaten, or locked in the closet, or something. He’s just, well…
Quinn: He’s not being loved.
Daria: Um, yeah.
Quinn: Kind of like all these guys in the back seat.
Daria: I guess so, if you want to put it that way. (pauses) You know, he’s got a serious crush on you.
Quinn: Oh, I know that.
Daria: You do?
Quinn: God, Daria, don’t you think I can tell by now when a guy likes me? This is just the first time it’s been a friend of yours.
Daria: Well, try to let him down easy. And please, don’t make him get sodas for you.
Quinn: I have people to do that. Don’t worry, I can handle it.
Daria: I wonder what he and Trent are talking about up there?
INT: The Tank
Trent and Link are singing along with the radio. Link is banging his head, Trent is pumping his fist
Both: Who let the Dogs out?
Woof! Woof-woof!
We let the Dogs out!
Woof! Woof-woof!
One of the larger dogs in the back gets interested in all the excitement, and throws himself up onto Trent’s lap.
Trent: Whoa!
The Tank starts to skid. Link grabs the dog’s collar and pulls him off of Trent, who regains control.
Link: Easy boy, calm down.
Trent: (turns off the music) Maybe we shouldn’t do that anymore. We don’t want these guys getting riled.
Link directs the dog back into the rear of the van, then sits back down. He glances over at Trent, and grins.
Trent: What?
Link: You’ve got something on your head. I think it’s a chinchilla.
Trent looks at himself in the rearview. He does indeed have a chinchilla on his head.
Trent: (shrugs) Well, he seems happy enough up there.
Silence. Trent glances over at Link, seemingly remembering what Daria asked him to do.
Trent: So, Link…
Link: You know, Trent, you’re pretty cool. I wish I could hang around you more.
Trent: Hey, thanks. You’re pretty cool yourself.
Link: You know what’s really cool about you? You don’t ask me what’s wrong. Everyone I ever talk to asks me what’s wrong with me, why I’m so mad all the time. (starts getting angry, just talking about it) Maybe that’s just the way I am, you know? Maybe I’ve just got something to be mad about!
Trent: Hmm.
Link: You know why I got left alone this week? My grandpa died.
Trent: Whoa. That sucks, man.
Link: Yeah. But the thing is, my mom and my stepdad flew out to the funeral and left me here. Sure, they told the lady next door to look out for me. She’s been over twice in the past two days. Made sure I was still alive and then left.
Trent: Bummer.
Link: And you know, I really wanted to go. (seems to be trying not to cry) I kind of liked my grandpa. I didn’t see him that much, but h-he was really nice to me, you know?
Trent: (doesn’t know what to say) Uh…
Link: I used to wish I could go live with him instead. But now I c-can’t… (turns away to look at the window. He’s crying quietly)
Trent: Hey Link, it’s gonna be okay, you know? Things work out.
Link: Sure they do. Now I have to go back home and deal with my jerk of a stepfather and my lousy mother until I’m eighteen and I can finally just leave without someone saying I have to go back. And then I have to hear about how I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, because there’s so many kids who have it worse than I do. Things will work out just fine.
Trent glances out the window. A sign goes by that says “Fremont: 3 miles”.
Trent: We’re almost there.
Link doesn’t respond.
Trent: Hey Link. I know you’re hurting. I’ve been there. And things worked out okay for me. There’s no guarantees, but things might work out okay for you if you can hang in there.
Link: How did you get through it all?
Trent: I had my music. That helps a lot, you know. You need a way to let this stuff out.
Link: Why? So I can get sent to another stupid therapist? No thanks.
Trent: Hm. My parents never would have bothered, I guess. I didn’t see them much.
Link: I wish I had your parents.
Trent: You know, sometimes I wish I had my parents too.
Link: Huh?
Trent: They had kind of a hands-off style. We kids kind of took care of ourselves. My sister Penny was more of a mom to me than Mom was.
Link: Do you have a younger brother?
Trent: Nope. My brother’s older than me. Of course, there’s Janey.
Link: I’ll bet you’re a good older brother.
Trent: (a little embarrassed) Yeah, well, I guess I don’t do too bad.
Link looks back out the window, no longer looking angry, just sad. Trent looks much the same way. He scratches his head, and notices that the chinchilla is still there. He decides to leave it.
EXT: Highway
The Tank passes a sign that reads “Fremont City Limits” followed by the two other cars.
EXT: Fremont Animal Shelter
The various cages are lined up in from of the shelter. Jane and Quinn are opening cans of food and giving one to each animal. Trent is busy tying the dogs to whatever he can find.
Link: Think they’ll be all right?
Daria: Better than they would have been. Seriously, it’s a warm night, and I’m pretty sure this place opens at six AM. They’ll be okay for a few hours. Most of them are already going to sleep.
Link: Cool. I’m, uh, going to go help Quinn. (he runs off)
Daria heads over to Trent.
Daria: Did you talk to him?
Trent: He’s a really sad little dude, Daria. But I think he’ll be all right.
Daria: Thanks, Trent.
Trent: Hey, no problem. Glad I could help.
A BIT LATER…
The cars are parked outside a convenience store. Everyone’s sitting in the van, taking a rest.
Jane: I can’t believe we actually pulled it off. We are just too cool.
Link: (yawns) I guess we have to go home now.
Daria: I wish there was some other way, Link.
Link: There isn’t. But, maybe things will work out.
Quinn: (sitting next to Link) We couldn’t have done this without you, Link. (she kisses him on the forehead) Thank you.
Link: (blushing furiously) Umm… uh… wow.
Jane: On that note, I need to get going. Like I said, I have my own agenda tonight. (she jumps out of the Tank and heads off to Trent’s car)
Daria: You ready to go, Trent?
Trent says nothing, for he is asleep
Daria: At least he waited until the van was parked.
Quinn: What’s that on his head?
Link: (yawning again) It’s a chinchilla.
Daria: Let’s just leave them be. It’s probably not safe to let Trent do any more driving tonight anyway. And I doubt it’s the first time he’s spent the night in this thing in a strange town a hundred miles from home.
Daria, Quinn, and Link leave the van and pull out in the Lexus.
INT: Lexus
Daria’s driving. Link is asleep in the back. Quinn’s leaning on the windowframe, watching the landscape go by.
Quinn: What’s going to happen tomorrow, Daria?
Daria: Who knows? But we should probably be grateful Mom’s a lawyer, just in case they figure out who did it.
Quinn: (glancing back at Link) Do you think Link will be okay?
Daria: I think he knows that there are people he can turn to now. That helps.
Quinn: Yeah. (smiles a bit) It’s nice knowing that when you have a real problem, there are people you can go to for help.
Daria looks over at Quinn, who looks back. They have a brief, silent “moment” before turning away.
EXT: Link’s house
Daria’s carrying Link’s bags, Quinn’s carrying Link, who’s still asleep. Daria gets the door.
Daria: I figured he wouldn’t have locked it. Probably hoping there would be a break-in.
Quinn: That only happens at coffee shops and animal shelters.
Daria: (tiny chuckle) Spending time with me and my friends is rubbing off on you, Quinn.
Quinn: (eyes going wide) I just appealed to your sense of humor, didn’t I?
Daria: Yup.
Quinn: God, just get me home so I can put on some makeup and watch Fashion Vision.
Quinn lays Link down on the couch.
Quinn: Goodnight, Link.
Link: (mumbling in his sleep) …kiss me again, Quinn…
Quinn: What?
Daria: Hey, don’t wake him up. I’m betting he doesn’t want this dream interrupted.
Quinn: That’s just weird, Daria.
Daria: Whatever. Let’s get home. I’m bushed.
Quinn: By the way, what was Jane being all mysterious about?
Daria: She’ll tell me tomorrow, I’m sure.
EXT: City Park
Jane approaches a clean wall with a few cans of paint. From inside her jacket, she takes a palette and a large brush.
Jane: Paint over the walls, they said. I’ll paint over their walls, HA HA HA HAAAA!!
FADE OUT on Jane’s sinister laugh.
Two Days Later...
INT: Unknown
A newspaper page fills the screen:
Mr.Clay: So, Quinn, what do you have to say for yourself?
The newspaper is lowered. Quinn is sitting across from Mr. Clay’s desk. She looks a little scared, but is keeping control of herself fairly well.
Quinn: Well Mr. Clay, it seems you won’t have to, you know, unitize them anymore. Isn’t it great that someone found a new home for them all?
Mr. Clay: Look, Quinn. There’s going to be an investigation, and I’m sure that some kind of evidence will be found. For instance, the tire marks on the pavement as three vehicles pulled out of here at high speed. Or the footprints left in the dog run, the fingerprints on the cages... Do I need to go on?
Quinn: (looking a lot less confident) Um…
Mr. Clay: Unfortunately, it seems that someone hosed down the tire marks this morning, blurring them beyond recognition. The footprints in the dog run seem to have been stomped over. And the only clear fingerprints on the cages are yours, which makes sense, as you’ve been feeding the animals regularly for the past few weeks. There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of physical evidence left.
Quinn: (confused) Huh?
Mr. Clay: It also appears that the publicity from this event has resulted in plans for a substantial increase in our budget, ostensibly for more security equipment. A little creative bookkeeping should allow that to go toward more and larger animal enclosures, more food, and more help, all of which should allow us to finally become the no-kill shelter we’ve always strived to be. In addition, we have about a dozen new volunteers ready to start next week.
Quinn nods, her expression one of complete surprise.
Mr. Clay: Which brings us back to you, Quinn. In light of the fine work you’ve done here over the past few weeks, I’m pleased to award you with an A on this project. I’ll be sorry to see you go, but in light of recent events – meaning, of course, our large number of new volunteers – it would probably be best if you found another area in which to volunteer your time from now on. I trust you understand?
Quinn: Yes, sir.
Mr. Clay: Now, off the record, I have to say I admire whomever our mysterious visitor was, for his or her commitment and courage, and I would thank that person - if I could - for doing more for this shelter in one night than any other single person has in the entire eight years we’ve been open. On the record, however, I’d have to warn that that sort of behavior could get someone into serious trouble someday. Do I make myself clear?
Quinn: Yes, Mr. Clay. And… thank you. For my grade, I mean.
Mr. Clay: (smiling) Of course, Quinn. You’re quite welcome.
INT: Lexus
Daria is sitting in the driver’s seat, reading a magazine. She looks up when Quinn gets in the other side.
Daria: So?
Quinn: (closes the door and leans back against her seat, sighing with relief) Everything is cool.
Daria: (smirks) Damn. You being led away in handcuffs is something I’ve always wanted to see.
The car drives away.
INT: Stacy’s room
The Fashion Club is gathered together, having a meeting.
Sandi: And so, in conclusion, I suggest that it would be most prudent in the future for the Fashion Club to avoid any and all extraneous Community Service projects. All in favor?
Hands go up one by one, first Tiffany, then Quinn, and, most reluctantly, Stacy.
Sandi: Motion carried. And, I’d also like to mention that rumors of my supposed nervous breakdown have been greatly exaggerated.
Quinn: Of course, Sandi.
Tiffany: Exaggerated...
Stacy smirks knowingly, but says nothing.
Sandi: On that note, I declare this meeting closed. Thank you, Stacy, for being our hostess.
Stacy: Oh, Sandi, it was the least I could do. You’ve been under so much stress lately.
Sandi frowns, but leaves without further comment. The other club members follow.
Stacy shuts the door behind them, then goes to sit on her bed and read Waif. After a moment, she pulls a patchwork quilt over her legs, running her hand over it and smiling as she does.
INT: Daria’s room
Daria is on the phone.
Daria: Okay, maybe in a small way I kinda sorta missed you.
Tom: (through the phone) Aw, don’t make me blush. So, what have you been up to while I’ve been gone?
Daria: I could tell you. But then, of course, I’d have to kill you.
There’s a loud ruckus from downstairs that sounds a lot like a primal scream from Jake.
Daria: Uh, Tom, I’ll have to call you back. My father has gone off the deep end.
Tom: I heard that from here. Let me know what happens.
Daria hangs up and goes out to the stairs, looking down on the living room.
Jake is crouched behind the sofa, dressed in camouflage and black-streaked face paint, carrying a large net.
Jake: All right, where are you little devils?! I know you’re here somewhere – I can feel your presence! I can smell your fear!
Daria: That’s just leftover kitchen sink stew.
Jake: AAAHH!! Oh, Daria, it’s you! Get down, there are vicious creatures all over the house! Your mother wouldn’t believe me, but I know they’re here!
Daria: Uh, Dad? Where is Mom?
Jake: Your mother’s fine, I left her at the hotel. It’s better that way, this kind of work is best left to a professional!
Daria: Yes, I think this situation definitely calls for a professional of some kind.
Jake: Quiet, kiddo. They can hear you…
Jake takes a sudden flying leap over the sofa and rolls to a protected position beside the TV. He then crawls on his stomach across the living room, looking for prey.
Jake: Come out here, you little vermin…
Helen bursts in.
Helen: Jake, just what the HELL do you think you’re doing!!
Jake: Helen! I can explain, really!
Helen: You barricade me in the bathroom, take my car, and drive all the way back here on some wild search for rabid animals – I had to take a cab all the way from Middleton, do you have any idea how much that costs? – and just where the hell did you get that ridiculous outfit??
Daria: It probably wasn’t Cashman’s.
Jake: Helen! You’ve got to believe me! There are wild animals in the house! Dozens - no, hundreds of them! They're sneaky.. .they're hiding... they're everywhere!!
Helen: Jake, there are no animals in the house. Now put down the net and let's talk about this rationally.
Jake: I’ll prove it to you! Come with me!
Jake grabs Helen and starts dragging her into the kitchen.
Helen: Really, Jake… you’re making an ass of yourself…
Quinn comes in.
Quinn: What’s going on?
Daria: Dad’s searching the house for animals. It’s not a pretty sight.
Jake (from the kitchen) Dammit! I know there was a dog in here!!
Daria: But it is awfully entertaining.
EXT: Link’s house
The front door fills the screen. A hand knocks at it.
Link answers. His scowl softens to almost a smile when he sees who’s there.
Link: Hey, what are you doing here?
Trent: (for it is he) I was in the neighborhood. Your parents home yet?
Link: (frowns) No. Unfortunately, they’ll be here in about two hours.
Trent: Ah, well. Hey, I wanted to give you something.
Link: What?
Trent hefts a box punched with holes.
Trent: He wouldn’t last long around my house. I thought maybe you could take care of him for me.
Link looks in the box. It’s the chinchilla.
Link: Cool! But… my mother probably wouldn’t let me keep him. Forget it.
Trent: Hey, from what I understand, she'll probably never notice.
Link: Good point.
Trent: And if you ever want guitar lessons, we could probably set that up. As long as you don’t want to learn open D-tuning. Never did figure that one out myself.
Link: You’re on, Trent.
Trent: You could come over to my place after school. I'm usually awake by then. Maybe Wednesday?
Link: (smiling like we’ve never seen before) Thanks a lot, Trent. Oh, and will I see Daria at your place? She's not so bad.
Trent: Yeah... but you probably won't see her sister much.
Link: Oh well. She's not really my type anyway.
Trent: See you later, Link.
Trent heads back to his car, and drives away with a satisfied smile.
The Next Day...
INT: Lawndale High, hallway
Daria and Jane are walking through the hall.
Jane: So we actually got away with it? No repercussions, no charges filed, no night in Juvy?
Daria: The shelter got enough publicity out of the event to make up for it. Quinn got off the hook scot-free, the rest of us were never even suspected.
Jane: Dammit! How am I ever going to get a record going if people keep cutting deals every time I have a brush with the law?
Daria: It would all be cleared anyway when you reach eighteen.
Jane: That’s the point. I’ve only got a few months left to do something criminal and get away with it. Besides, I could have taken those Polaroids and gotten away with that too, dammit!
Daria: Speaking of criminal acts, how did your little vandalism project go?
Jane: All will be revealed at the proper time. In the meantime, I got my B, and they can’t take that away now. How’d you do?
Daria: Marge said she didn’t believe in grading. She thought I should give myself the grade I thought I deserved.
Jane: So, what did you get?
Daria: I got an A. I’m not an idiot, you know.
The loudspeaker comes to life.
Ms. Li: Attention, students! It is my sad duty to report that those bastards – excuse me, those… people… over at Oakwood High have been awarded the grant for highest participation in the Outreach program. However, due to our own fifth-place ranking, Laaawndale High has received a check in the amount of twenty-five dollars, which should go a long way toward replacing the soccer ball lost during last year’s faculty/student sports tournament. Resume learning!
Daria: At least we know that all this was for a good cause.
Jane: Yeah, the good cause of seeing Ms Li demoralized and watching her evil plans rent asunder. All's well in Lawndale. I do wish I could be there for the unveiling of my masterpiece, but that probably wouldn’t be a good idea.
Daria: Unveiling?
Jane: (checks the clock on the wall) Right about… now.
EXT: City Park
The walls are all painted a smooth, pristine white, with no trace of their former defacing.
The sprinklers activate.
Slowly, the white paint drips off the walls, revealing the graffiti still perfectly preserved underneath. In addition, the City Hall itself loses its outermost coat of paint, revealing a monstrous green face with slavering fangs and burning red eyes, all done in Jane’s trademark style.
La la la, la, la…
CLOSING CREDITS
the end