Disclaimers: : Daria and all related characters are the property of MTV productions

Celebrity Death Match and all related characters including Stone cold Steve Austin as he appears in some episodes of Celebrity Death Match also are the property of MTV productions.

Beavis and Butthead are property of MTV productions

Lawndale Death Match
written by Steve Mitchell

(Daria and Jane are seen walking down the hallway after their last class for the day has let out.)

Jane: Daria, you want to come running with me today?

Daria: No thanks, it'd remind me of why I'd want to run from this hole. I'm afraid I might keep running and never come back.

Jane: (grins) RUN Forest, RUN (beat) Come on, you look like you could use the exercise. Besides maybe Trent would finally notice you if you had a more fit body. (Daria just glares at the slightest notion of changing the way she looked for ANYBODY.)

Jane: Alright do it to keep me company, we'll cut the distance down to something that won't kill you.

Daria: (sighs and rolls her eyes) Oh all right, but if I drop dead do me a favor and DON'T call the paramedics.

Jane: Thy will be done. Do you want to change first? we can stop at my house, I probably have some shorts that will fit you. maybe if your lucky Trent can watch you change. (Daria stares at Jane while contemplating which method of execution would be more gratifying)

Jane: Relax it was a joke. (Daria is still scowling) all right I take it back.( Her expression remains unchanged) I hate you. (Daria and Jane continue walking down the hall until they come across

Jodie stapling a poster to the bulletin board.)

Daria: Hey Jodie, what's going on here?
Jodie: Just putting up some posters. (Daria and Jane examen the poster closely as if they were critiquing a piece of fine art)

Daria: Celebrity Death Match is coming to Lawndale? In the name of god why would somebody want to host that show in such a pathetic little skid mark of a town?

Jodie: I don't really have a clue myself BUT,... I've been placed in charge of selling the tickets by the student council anyway. Go figure huh?

Jane: And let me guess, this is going to be a school activity, isn't it?

Jodie: Yes and no. It isn't a school activity but because there isn't any place else they can set up, Mrs. Li said they could set up in the school gym,... for a fee,... and the right to sell T shirts and other merchandise.

Daria: Figures

Jane: Well Known celebrity's dukeing it out to the death in our own school gym. WE GOTTA GO. How much are the tickets.

Jodie: Thirty dollars. And you guys haven't even heard the worst part of this.

Daria: Oh wait, DO let me take a wild stab at this one. Um... their accepting volunteers?

Jodie: How did you Know?

Daria: I guess I'm just psychic.

Jane: Either that or it could just be the fact that this sort of thing seems to happen anytime anything remotely interesting happens around here. (Turns to Jodie) And who's bright Idea was this might I ask?

Jodie: Who else could you think of who would want to kill a man in front of thousands of people for the fun of it.

Jane and Daria: Mrs. Barch

Jane: And that was so simple it wasn't even elementary my dear Watson, it was flat out kindergarten.

Jodie: (smiles weakly at Jane's remark) From what I'm told this thing will consist entirely of volunteers. It's supposed to be a special edition type deal.

Daria: And your supporting this thing?

Jodie: Not really, but I have to admit there are a few people in this town that even I wouldn't mind seeing dismembered.

Jane: Has anybody signed up yet?

Jodie: a few people but since the whole deal will consist of only three matches you have to explain to the committee who you want to fight and why, Then the challenged party has to accept. Last but not least the committee goes through the list of volunteers and selects the six people whom they think will make for the most interesting show.

Daria: So who has signed up already?

Jodie: I'll give you two guesses

Jane: But chances are we'll only need one.

Jane and Daria: Mrs. Barch!!

(cut to Daria and Jane running down the road, Daria has been out of breath most of the run.)

(The two of them finally get back to Jane's house where Daria just stops in her tracks at the mailbox, bends over and begins trying to catch her breath.)

Daria:(panting) I am definitely out of shape.

Jane: And sweating up a storm.

Daria: I'm too tired to give you an evil look right now, will you take a check?

Jane: A check,... Do you have multiple forms of ID? (Smirks) Relax, jeez I can't believe you ran in that Jacket.

Daria: I'm so used to wearing it I forgot I had it on. ( Daria takes her jacket off revealing that tan t-shirt she always wears underneath)

Jane: ooh la la. I never thought I'd say this but sweat seems to augment your figure Daria.

Daria: What the hell are you talking about? (Daria looks down to see her shirt is completely saturated in sweat and is clinging to her body.)I need a shower, Mind if I borrow yours?

Jane: By all means oh stinky one.

Daria: Oh shut up before I kill you with said B.O . (they both enter the house to see Trent coming up from the basement with his guitar in hand.)

Jane: Hey Trent, Heading off to a late rehearsal?

Trent: Or early, whatever. (notices Daria) Hey Daria, (looks down and smiles) That's a hot shirt. (Trent walks past them to leave)

Jane: Still think he doesn't notice you?

Daria: (her face has been beat red the whole time) I'm gonna take that shower now.(quickly walks down the hall to the bathroom)

Jane:(yelling after her) Take your time!!

(Later that evening at the Morgandorffer household.)

Helen: I Can't believe that horrible sport is coming to this town. Doesn't the state consider that murder?

Daria: Actually mom, from what I understand they have a special permit from the government. As long as both parties agree to the match and have legitimate grievances against each other regardless of age, than it's considered a sort of duel. Which the government doesn't seem to have a problem with since people have been doing it for hundreds of years.

Helen:(sigh) Daria, must you make light of such a grim situation?

Daria: Given the fact that you're my mother and I'm your daughter I believe I would have to say no. This does not mean of coarse that I condone this activity, we just have a similar opinion. From a moral standpoint.

Helen: Daria for g.....(Helen stops to think at what her daughter said. Then gets up from the table looking confused. )

( Daria gets up from the table and heads up to her room where she picks up a ringing phone by her bed.)

Daria: Vito's house of pizza, Vito speaking.

Jane: How's it going Vito, still recovering from that shower?

Daria: Ha.Ha.Ha Jane. Now get to the bloody point, what did you want to talk to me about?

Jane: Bloody indeed, I wanted to see if you were coming to the C.D.M this Saturday.

Daria: Hmm, tough call. what's my motivation again?

Jane: Oh you didn't hear?

Daria: Hear what?

Jane: Mrs. Barch and Mr. Dimartino challenged each other. Barch is going to eat him alive.

Daria: Been taking lessons from the praying mantis I see.

Jane: Of coarse, that insect has been her GOD since she was a premie. So are you coming?

Daria: Has anyone else challenged each other?

Jane: Not yet but seeing Dimartino get his head ripped off should be incentive enough.

Daria: Hmm, you may be right, if this thing is as messy as it is on tv than you better bring some umbrellas. Incidentally, is Trent going to this thing?

Jane: Trent's IN this thing.

Daria: WHAT!!!!

Jane: Relax it's not what you think, They needed a band to play between the matches and Trent and the others happened to be what they were looking for.

Daria: You mean they were the only band that showed up for the audition.

Jane: Yea, that pretty accurately sums it up in a nut shell.

Daria: Out of curiosity, were you deliberately trying to give me a heart attack?

Jane: Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, I guess you'll never know will you.

Daria: Um...yea, whatever. (Looks around) Now where's that straight jacket I had for you. (Turns back to Jane) So what time is this thing anyway?

Jane: 7:00 Saturday I think.

Daria: Okay then, I guess were there. See you in school tomorrow.

Jane: later. (both hang up)

(cut to lunch period the next day)

(Daria and are seen Jane eating at their table. Jodie approaches their table from the far left)

Jodie: (worried look on her face) Daria your not really going to accept Sandi's challenge are you?

Daria: What the hell are you talking about?

Jodie: Sandi's challenged you to get in the ring with her.

Jane: Your on crack aren't you. I TOLD you, the hallucinations aren't real and the pink flying elephants will go away eventually.

Jodie: Guys this is serious, Sandi's trying to call Daria out.

Daria: What the hell for?

Jane: Maybe she wants to prove which is the greater of the two titans, fashion or brains. You make the call.

Jodie: That's probably pretty close to the truth actually. Sandi's always felt threatened by the fact that Daria is so much smarter than she is, AND the fact that The fashion club won't manage to land her any sort of modeling career like she once thought. I think that's pretty much her biggest gripe. I forget what her other reasons were, something to do with claiming to be Quinn's sister.

Daria: That's IT? She challenged me to a fight to the death because she was actually able to conceive of the possibility that with things the way they are...I'm going to be able to get somewhere in life and she's not? Those reasons go beyond the thinking of even Beavis and Butthead.

Jodie:(confused) Who?

Jane: She'll explain some other time.

Jodie: So your not going to accept the challenge?

Daria: Unless I completely lose my mind between now and 7 p.m. tomorrow I would have to say no.

Jodie: That's a relief. (Jodie walks off)

Jane: Hmm...you were given a chance to rid the world of a conceited, shallow minded, and obnoxious fashion fiend once and for all. And you turned it down.

Daria: I know, my conscience is already bugging me. (Daria and Jane get up to leave.)

(cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane are in front of Jane's locker for once.)

Daria: You Know what? This is the first time I've actually seen inside your locker. It looks like a smaller version of your room.

Jane: Why thank you, such kind remarks from a young lady.

Daria: You sure your not the one on crack?

Jane: Pretty sure, I get enough of a high from caffeine. (Jane spots the fashion club sans Quinn coming down the hallway.) Oh hell.(beat) Impending nightmare inbound 5'oclock low.

Daria: (turning her head to look) Oh good, a migraine is just what I needed.

Jane: Take it this way, at least Quinn isn't with them to say your not her sister. Speaking of which, where is Quinn? I haven't seen her avoiding you for days.

Daria: My mom made her go to visit my Grand father. She said he needed cheering up.

Jane: So that's why you've been so chipper,..until now. (Sandi walks up to Daria and gives her a shove)

Sandi: SO...I heard you couldn't rise to meet my little challenge.

Daria: It had nothing to do with rising. I just didn't want to stoop to your level of stupidity and arrogance. (Stacy gets a chuckle at this) (Sandi glares at Stacy)

Tiffany: Um.........Your not chicken are you Daria?

Stacy: EWWW!!!! feathers are so gross.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Don't you ever read between the lines Daria? They want to know if your willing to wedge your combat boots so far up Sandi's ass that she'd puke your shoelaces.

Daria: well that was Graphic.

Jane: Hey, just trying to spice up the mood a little bit.

Sandi: So are you going to fight me or do I have to give you some sort of incentive?

Jane: You're going to give Daria a make over from hell, oh god the horror.

Daria: There is no incentive on this earth that would make me want to fight with you or anybody else.

Sandi: We'll just see about that, Grabs Daria by the skirt and pantses her in front of everybody in the hallway. (Daria is too humiliated to say anything as people in the hallway stare at her briefly and then continue about their business) (she repositions her skirt about her waste but is still to mortified to say anything.)

Sandi: She must be chicken.(Sandi and the fashion club begin walking away)

Tiffany: Sandi, I can't believe you did that. Even Daria Didn't deserve that.

Stacie: Yea, sandi. That was way out of line ( Daria is still standing by Jane's locker fuming)

Jane: (waving her hand in front of Daria's face) um, Daria. Are you Okay?

Daria:(Daria snaps out of her trance and shouts in an almost demonic voice you wouldn't imagine coming from the likes of her.) SANDI......YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS. (Sandi stops for a moment, smirks, and resumes walking)

Jane: Where the HELL did that come from?? (Daria ignores Jane and swiftly walks to the school office and signs the registration form to accept Sandi's challenge. Then walks out of the office and back to Jane's locker.

Jane: Did you Just do what I think you did?
Daria: If by that you mean am I succumbing to the effects of temporary insanity then the answer is yes. Your not going criticize me or try to stop me from doing it are you.

Jane: Daria, you just agreed to get into a ring with Sandi and fight her to the death. Whatever happened to simply beating stupid people senseless with your infinite wisdom?

Daria: Well now I feel like beating somebody senseless with something that will have a little more of an impact.

Jane: Daria, this is just so....unlike you.

Daria: Yea, I know. So are you going to stop me or what?

Jane: (thinks for a minute) No, I have to say I would have come to the same choice all things considering.

Daria: Thank you for that Jane.

Jane: Are you really going to fight her to the death?

Daria: (sighs) No, I don't think I could ever be that angry at somebody, I'm just going to humiliate her by beating the living crap out of her in front of thousands of people. Unless I have absolutely no other alternative.

Jane: So do you think you'll need a weapon? If so I can have Trent run us down to the mediaeval fair over in seedsville and we can pick up something appropriate for the occasion.

Daria: That's okay, Jane. Although according to the rules each fighter is allowed one weapon of choice, I shouldn't have a problem keeping it hand to hand. (Jane and Daria begin to walk swiftly down the hallway toward the exit of the school.)

(Pan back to Jane's locker to see Daria's guardian angel. visible only to us of coarse.)

Guardian angel:(looking at the reader of this story and smiling) Okay so I got carried away with the voice. I couldn't resist. (fades from view)

(Jane and Daria are seen walking down the sidewalk)

Jane: So when you signed the challenge acceptance form did you see the names of the other volunteers?

Daria: Yes, and I am sad to say that there is a most definite chance of Sandi and I facing each other tomorrow night.

Jane: What makes you so certain?

Daria: Because the only people on the list were Mrs. Barch, Mr. Dimartino, Mike Mackenzie, Kevin Thompson, Sandi, and Myself.

Jane: Not much for the committee to select from.

Daria: Not really, I guess the people in Lawndale are smarter than I thought.

Jane: Yea, who'd have thought that widespread intelligence could exist in this place. Listen I'm going to be the coach in your corner right?

Daria: What?

Jane: Well, somebody's got to offer you moral support while your kicking Sandi's ass.

Daria: Confidant aren't we.

Jane: Are you kidding? Brains versus fashion. no contest....But um, In case things turn sour I was wondering if it might be a good Idea to at least break the ice with Trent.

Daria: You'll never stop will you?

Jane: Not as long as I'm your best friend. (Daria gives her Mona Lisa smile as the Two of them are seen walking into Jane's house)

(cut to Saturday around 4:00) (Daria and Jane are seen entering the school's main entrance and encountering a tall blond haired woman holding a microphone and a camera man who is standing behind her.)

Blond: Daria Morgandorffer?

Daria: Perhaps.

Blond: I'm Stacy Cornbread. I'm one of the commentators for Celebrity Death Match. I'd like to get some background information and possibly an interview from you.

Daria: You want to interview me?

Cornbread: Yes, if you don't mind.

Jane: Daria mind, nah, your talking to the queen of gab here. (Daria turns to face Jane and glares) Well what are you waiting for your highness, start gabbing. I'll be nearby should you choose to order a beheading or something. (Jane walks a few steps away)

Cornbread: Okay then, let's get to it. (Daria gives her various statistics on herself. height, weight, etc.) Daria, is there a specific reason why you've chosen to accept Sandi Griffin's challenge?

Daria: Yes, but I can't say that it has any sort of logical backing.

Cornbread: Okay then, What are your personal feelings on this fight?

Daria: (thinks for a moment)Hmm. my feelings on this fight, well here goes. (she inhales deeply and lets out a loud belch.)

Jane: (calls over) And that's all she has to say about that. (They both walk past a slightly amused

Stacy Cornbread and make their way to the locker room.)

Daria: Well that was interesting.

Jane: You thought so too huh. (Daria begins to get changed into a pair of shorts she borrowed from Jane and a black t-shirt from her own closet.) (Jane flicks on a t.v that has been placed in their locker room. You can hear the opening announcements for Celebrity Death Match. I.E. an airhorn sounding in the background and music coming from mystic spiral as they warm up.)

Announcer1: Hi, I'm Nick Diamond

Announcer2: I'm Johnny Gomez

Announcer3: And I'm stone cold Steve Austin

Diamond: Welcome to CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH special edition. Tonight's fight's should prove to be nothing if not unique eh Johnny?

Gomez: That's right Nick. Tonight's death match takes place in a small town that's none other than LAWNDALE, where instead of our typical celebrities we have actually allowed volunteers from the local community to participate in this competition.

Diamond: Hold on for a second Johnny, I'm being told that we have to allow one of our sponsors who just so happens to be the principal of this high school that we've been allowed to set up in, to say a few words. (Mrs. Li barges on to the set and snatches the mic from stone cold.)

Stone cold: Hey, what the!

Li: Thank you Mr. Ice cube.

Stone Cold: That's Stone cold.

Li: Whatever. I'd Just like to mention to those student's out in the audience That proceeds from the merchandising stands will go to increase the level of security in LAWNDALE high. Those of you who fail to buy something will summarily be suspended on Monday. Thank you.
(Tosses the mic back to stone cold and marches out of the booth)

Diamond: Well that was different.

Stone cold: Yea I'd like to take that militant bitch and break her in half.

Gomez: Can we say that on the air?

Diamond: Ah who cares, let's give everybody the run down on tonight's competitors.

Gomez: You got it Nick, People our first match tonight will pit football player against football player as Michael Jordan Mackenzie of the Lawndale Lions faces off against the quarter back of the same team Kevin Thompson.

Stone cold: Michael Jordan Mackenzie? This guys father was a bulls fan wasn't he.

Gomez: I have no Idea Stone cold. Let's go to the locker room's with Stacy cornbread.

Cornbread: Hi guys, while Mr. Mackenzie had no official comment on tonight's fight his opponent seemed to have a lot to say. (Turns to face Kevin) Mr. Thompson What are your feelings toward Mr. Mackenzie tonight?

Kevin: You mean Mack? He's cool. (faces the camera and yells into It) Yo Mack Daddy let's show everybody that we can kick some butt!

Brittany:(at his side as always) oh babe!

Cornbread: (Weakly smiles back to the camera as if she's going to be sick) Back to you Johnny.

Gomez: Well there you have it folks, straight from the mouths of our first competitors. What do you think so far Stone cold?

Stone cold: Well Johnny, I can't speak for the other guy but it sounds like Thompson doesn't have a clue as to why he's here. It makes you wonder what made him sign up in the first place.

(cut back to Daria's locker room)

Daria: (watching the t.v screen) a complete and utter lack of intelligence.

Jane: That's putting it lightly. I give this fight thirty second's.

Daria: You think it'll be that short, I figured it'd be longer just from Kevin standing around trying to figure out what he's supposed to do.

Jane: No way, Kevin called Mike Mack Daddy on public television. This will be his chance to be rid of Kevin once and for all.

Daria: Hmm....you may be right. It's a shame nobody started a betting pool on just exactly how Kevin was going to die.

Jane: Oh nobody told you about that? Andrea has one going, I hear the pot's up to a couple of grand.

Daria: Your kidding.

Jane: Nope.

Daria: Then please offer me some sort of relief by telling me that you put some money in for the both of us.

Jane: Sure did, I bet that mack would rip Kevin's head off and shove that old pigskin right down his throat.

Daria: Good call, Jane

(cut back to the commentators booth)

Diamond: At any rate. one of our first competitors tonight, Michael Jordan Mackenzie, weighs in at almost two hundred pounds and appears to be quite a menacing young football player. Our second competitor on the other hand weighs in at one hundred and sixty pounds and seems to be clueless.

Gomez: What the hell do you suppose brought these two together tonight?

Stone cold: I have no idea Johnny, but my guess is that this fight won't last very long at all. In fact I'm thinking we're probably going to need a stop action camera just to see what the hell happened.

Diamond: Well everybody while were waiting for our first fight to take place some music will be provided by tonight's in house band MYSTIC SPIRAL. Good god, where did we dig up THESE nut balls?

Gomez: They were the only ones to volunteer, Nick.

Diamond: That figures, we can never seem get a decent band on this show.

(The band ques up their instruments and Trent steps up to the mike.)

Trent: Hi, were mystic spiral but we might change our name. I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Daria, who has always been there when I needed some inspiration or just someone to talk to for advice. This song doesn't have any lyrics because no words can describe what she means to me. (They begin to play. there are no lyrics to this song it is totally instrumental) (Cut to

Daria's locker room) (Daria's face is blushing heavily)

Jane: Whoa! I knew he was going to say something but not that direct. (Daria just sit's there listening to the song. a Tear slowly runs down her cheek as she smiles. Jane looks to see how much the song has moved Daria and smiles contentedly)

(cut back to the commentators booth as the song is finished)

Stone cold: Hell, those boys have some talent.

Diamond: I didn't think they were bad after all myself.(beat) Hold on I can see our first competitors are being led out to the ring as our first match is about to get under way.

(cut to the ring)

Mills Lane: Okay you two, here are the rules. I want a good clean fight, obey my commands at all times. got it?(doesn't wait for an answer) "Let's get it on". (Mills lane puts some space between them.)

Kevin: What does he mean he want's a good fight Mack Daddy?

Mack:(chuckles as he reaches out and gingerly takes Kevin's football)

Mills lane:(scratches his bald head) What the hell are you standing around for? I said fight dammit!

(Mack takes several steps backward while still chuckling to himself)

Kevin: (still confused) What's going on Mack Daddy?

Mack: Kevin for the last time (Throws the ball at Kevin as hard as he can. The Ball impales Kevin in the chest and exits through his back) DON'T call me Mack Daddy. (Kevin simply collapses to the floor and Mack is declared the winner)

(cut to commentators booth)

Gomez: Well that was short.

(cut to Daria's locker room)

Daria: Looks like I win Jane.

Jane:(hands a twenty to Daria) Of coarse, they always have to take the easy approach don't they.

(cut back to the commentators booth)

Stone cold: Hell, that wasn't even a fight. Thompson got dropped within thirty seconds. I haven't seen a fight that short since Sasquatch faced the lock ness monster.

Diamond: I Believe your right, and the crowd doesn't look to happy about it either. (boo's are heard coming from the crowd)

Gomez: Well folks that... (Mrs. Li barges in to the booth once again and snatches stone cold's mike)

Li: People this is Mrs. Li, principal of Laaaaawndale High. I just want to make it known that there is still plenty of merchandise left so get your ass's to the concession stands. (She tosses the mike back to stone cold and exit's the booth.)

Stone cold: You know Nick that woman is seriously beginning to piss me off.

Diamond: Your not the only one.

Gomez: As I was saying that brings us to our second fight, a Battle between the faculty. Our competitors for this match are Mrs. Janet Barch weighing in at one hundred thirty pounds, and is a brown belt in aikido. She also seems to hold hostility for all men. And Mr.Anthony Dimartino who weighs in at one hundred forty pounds and has an extreme hatred for stupidity and ignorance. Incidently I've been told that his blood pressure has dropped dramatically since Kevin Thompson was killed in our first match. Let's hear it for Mr. Dimartino folks.

(cut to Daria's locker room)

Daria: Gee, I wonder why.

Jane: Don't worry, Brittany is still enough to keep his blood pressure sky rocketing up there.

(cut to commentators booth)

Diamond: Well I can see our competitors entering the ring now.

Stone cold: Nick, this fight looks like it should be a lot more interesting. Both fighters know why they are here which is a definite plus, one of our fighters is a vicious life sucking bitch who still hasn't gotten over a bad divorce. The other is a rabid history teacher who is tired of dealing with EVERYBODY.

(cut to the ring)

Mills Lane: okay you two, you know the rules. "Let's get it on"

Barch: Prepare to eat the mat you man. (she dives at him but Dimartino ducks and she get's tangled in the ropes.) Dimartino Drags her free of the ropes and body slams her headfirst into the mat.)

Dimartino:(panting) You have no Idea how long I've wanted to do that to somebody. (He moves to grab her again but Barch recovers and kicks him away)

Barch: you'll pay for that male scum. (she performs a reverse spinning kick and leaves a foot mark on Dimartino's face as he stumbles backward in a daze. (Ms. Barch jumps up and Catches Dimartino between her legs, lets the rest of her body droop until her hands are firmly on the mat and then uses her legs to Toss Dimartino end over end across the ring until he lands face first against the corner post. Dimartino stumbles dizzily to his feet to show blood dripping from his now broken nose. He wipes tears of pain from his eyes and recovers just in time to see Barch running at him. He quickly steps aside and clotheslines her sending her to the mat while she is grasping at her throat trying to breathe, meanwhile Dimartino stands nearby deciding on what his next move should be. Barch starts to get up so Dimartino quickly decides to attempt to finish her off with a pile driver. A stupid move on his part as when he tries to grab hold of her to turn her upside down she quickly grabs hold of his legs and bites him in the groin as hard as she can before releasing him and spitting out one of his testicles sending it clear over the ropes and into the crowd)

Barch: (While Dimartino is lying in the fetal position on the mat holding himself) I guess now you're only HALF the man you used to be, consider that my contribution to birth control you bloodsucking leach. Twenty two years of my life, GONE! All because of a man like you, you should consider what I did a favor. (Smiles) But then again, as long as I'm doing the world a favor I might as well do it another one by terminating your meaningless existence.
(Barch walks over for the kill only to have Dimartino summon enough strength once she's close enough to kick Barche's legs out from under her sending her crashing face first into the mat. Dimartin struggles to his feet and moves around behind Mrs. Barch as she attempts to get up as well. Once Barch has climbed to at least one knee, Dimartino lets out a blood curdling battle cry as if he were Wallace leading the Scotts in a charge against the English and swings his foot forward as hard as he can landing it right between Barch's legs and accidentally implanting it in her rectum. Barch's eyes bulge out in pain as she jumps up and sprints around the ring while dragging Dimartino behind her in an attempt to dislodge him from her posterior. Finally after about three or four laps around the ring, Dimartino comes loose. Mat rash can be seen all over his back as he gets up and prepares for another onslaught.

Dimartino: Can you honestly tell me that I'm the first and ONLY man to ever go that route with you? HA, and you call yourself a woman. Come on, lets see what ELSE you've got.

Barch: Prepare to die you sack of diseased rat hair. !! (Barch charges at Dimartino and throws him down hard on the mat, flips him over on his front and pulls out a bottle of rubbing alcohol from SOMEWHERE, then proceeding to pour the entire contents of the bottle on the mat rash on Dimartino's back.. Needless to say he screams in agony just before Barch grabs him by the hair on his head and starts slamming it against the mat over and over again.) You know what, it just might be a good day after all. (Slams his head down again) (Dimartino reaches behind himself and pulls Barch off of him only to reach under the back of her shirt and grab her bra strap, he then gets up and runs back ward with it as far as he can pulling her up to her knees in the process. Barch wears a look of pain as it draws tighter and tighter around her chest. Dimartino stops at the opposite end of the ring and holds it there for a second)

Dimartino: You women want everything to be equal to MEN? Consider this liberation from your over the shoulder boulder holder. (He let loose with an evil maniacal laugh and lets go of the strap. It gains enormous speed as it recoils and then slices straight through Barch's chest upon impact effectively cutting her in two. Both ends fall to the matt splattering blood everywhere.)

(Mills lane looks around the ring at the remaining pieces of Mrs. Barch and then declares
Dimartino the winner)

(cut to Daria's locker room)

Daria: Now THAT I never would have seen coming in a million years.

Jane: Guess it's one million A.D already huh?

Daria: funny. (After having said this Jane reaches under her own shirt and undoes her bra, then removes it and tosses it into one of the lockers) What the hell are you doing?

Jane: Playing it safe, amiga. You never know if he's going to snap and get the urge to kill again. (Daria shakes her head in disbelief)

(cut to commentators booth)

Stone cold: (While showing the instant replay in slow motion on one of the monitors) Well Johnny, that fight was a lot better than the first and I'll tell you what, I think the sale of Bra's around town are going to drop after tonight. By the way, I think Dimartino was enjoying that last move of his just a little too much don't you think.

Gomez: I have to agree with you there, but damn that was an inventive way to take somebody out. I've got to remember that move for later.

Diamond: Well folks were going to take a half hour break here at Celebrity Death Match. Meanwhile entertainment will be provided by our in house band Mystic Spiral.

Stone cold: Also I've been asked once again by Commander Asshole, the school principal, to inform you that the concession stands are still open so if you want a cold drink, something to eat, or some rinky dink souvenir then head on down there now so this bitch will get out of my face.
(Cut to Mystic Spiral as they key up and begin to play an assortment of songs they've written. The play list includes Ice box woman, little sister, Daria's dedication, Jane's theme and a few other songs.)

(cut to Daria's locker room)

Jane: So do you think your ready for this?

Daria: Raring.(beat) Does Trent Know I'm competing in this thing?

Jane: He Knows your ATTENDING this thing. I never mentioned to him that you were competing.

Daria: I wonder how he'll take it.

Jane: Worst case scenario, he'll flip, try to intervene and someone will restrain him, but to be honest I think he'll keep his cool until the fight ends. Then he'll flip.

Daria: Are you trying to make me feel better about this?

Jane: Perhaps. (both turn their heads to the t.v to watch mystic spiral play their gig. Half an hour later The commentators re-enter their booth and key up their mikes.)

Diamond: okay people were back here at celebrity death match. First off we'd like everybody to give a warm round of applause for Mystic Spiral. They were great tonight. (sound of applause comes from the audience.)

Gomez: And That of coarse Brings us to our third and final fight. Nick why don't you bring us up to speed on these two fighters.

Diamond: You've got it Johnny, The first of these two competitors is Sandi Griffin. At Five foot five and One hundred and Twenty five pounds she is the notorious president of the Lawndale fashion club. Johnny this girl treats waif magazine like it's god. I wouldn't be surprised if you found a shrine in her basement. The second of these two competitors Is Daria Morgandorffer. At Five foot four and one hundred eighteen pounds she is an intelligent young student with an extremely realistic view on life. Apparently The Lawndale fashion club shuns such thinking which is what seems to be what has brought these two together tonight.

Stone cold: Nick, This Daria Kid doesn't seem like the type to engage in this type of a fight, or ANY fight for that matter What the hell brought her to the ring?

Gomez: Did you actually talk to this girl stone cold.

Stone cold: No, but manage to I did talk to Sandi Griffin. All she could talk about was that my clothes didn't conform to current trends. It made me want to puke.

Gomez: You've got that right. Oh well, I guess we'll find out soon enough won't we.

Diamond: Absolutely Johnny, and I can see our competitors are being escorted to the ring as we speak. It looks like each of them has a friend with them, probably for moral support.

(Cut to the ring)

(Jane is standing in Daria's corner just outside the ring.) (Tiffany is in Sandi's corner. Same position. Just outside of each competitors corner is a table with a small assortment of medieval weaponry)

(Daria and Sandi meet at the center of the ring)

Sandi: Prepare to die Brain!

Daria: (looks mildly amused) Are you talking to me or giving orders to yourself?

Mills Lane: Okay, I've explained the rules to you both. I expect a good clean fight. "Let's get it on" (Sandi Immediately charges at Daria who just steps aside at the last moment and let's Sandi stumble past her.)

Sandi: What are you to afraid to fight me?

Daria: Oh I'll fight, but not on your terms. (Sandi attempts to tackle Daria but she shoves one of her boots into Sandi's gut and tosses her as Daria goes down. Sandi is seen hitting the ropes back first.)

Sandi: You little bitch. (Sandi charges Daria again, this time Daria attempts to clothesline Sandi but Griffin manages to stop short and nails Daria in the side of the head with her elbow knocking

Daria backward several steps before she can regain her balance)

Daria: ( straightens her glasses only to feel a small amount of blood trickling down the side of her head) Oh wonderful, and I'll bet that needs stitches too. (Daria looks up to see where Sandi is only catch a quick glimpse of a fist slamming into her chin, this effectively knocks Daria down on the mat, as soon as she hits the mat Daria struggles to put some distance between herself and Griffiin. Surprisingly, Griffin does not appear to be in pursuit at the moment. Instead she is standing near the middle of the mat admiring her work Daria walks over to her corner to converse with Jane given that Sandi is so full of herself to notice at the moment)

Jane: so...how are the kids?

Daria: Funny Jane, in case you hadn't noticed I seem to be losing.

Jane: Do you think she'll realize any time soon that the fight isn't over yet?

Daria: God only knows. ( They watch as Sandi stands facing in their direction seeming to be staring off into space.) I don't suppose you might have any tactical strategies I might be able to use to end this as quickly as possible?

Jane: Well you Do have this table full of FINE weaponry here, you might want to make a selection or two and use it.

Daria: That's not supposed to be an option remember, I just want to humiliate her not kill her.

Jane: Somehow I get the feeling that THIS fashion fiend isn't going to give you much of a choice in the matter

Daria: You think?

Jane: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do..... turn around and look. (Daria turns her head to see

Sandi coming out of her little delusion of grandeur growling at the fact that Daria is still standing)

Daria: You get the feeling she's actually pissed now? (Sandi turns to Tiffany and yells for her to pass her a weapon. Tiffany hands her a sword.)

Jane: Whatever would make you think that? (Daria moves away from her corner in preparation to confront sandi again.)

Sandi: (panting) Your going down bitch. ( Sandi swings the sword as hard as she can.) (Daria turns to get out of the way but the sword still grazes her thigh making a nice long gash in the shorts clear up to her hips. Only a paper cut like scratch is left on Daria's skin though thanks to the toughness of her jeans.)

Daria: SHIT....Son of a.... Sandi goes to swing again but Daria ducks and kicks Sandi's legs out from under her. Then jogs off to her corner. Jane see's her coming and has chosen a mace from the table of weapons and is prepared to hand it to her)

Jane:(as Daria approaches her ) I think this is getting a little too real Daria..

Daria: ( as Jane chucks the Mace to her) Yea, that little fact is beginning to become more apparent. I'm about ready to get this over with. (Daria turns to face Sandi as she starts toward Daria with her sword in hand. Sandi let's out a scream and charges at Daria.) Oh shit!! (Daria moves out of her corner to meet Sandi in the middle. Sandi swings but is blocked by Daria's mace, Daria then stomps on Sandi's knee with the heel of one of her boots. Sandi stumbles backward trying to clutch her knee at the same time. Once Sandi has regained her composure she charges again to have her swing blocked by Daria, but this time while their two weapons are clashed together Sandi lunges forward with her other arm and rips Daria's glasses off her face and use all her might to shove Daria away from her.) My glasses!!! (Daria looks up at the blurry image of what looks like Sandi coming at her again. Daria drops down to one knee and swings wildy at Sandi just barely catching her across the midrift.)

Sandi: (Even though only a modest scrape, the wound still drips with blood that is quickly soaking into the now torn shirt) OW,... you little...!! Oh my god, I just BOUGHT this shirt at a one time only sale at Casheman's. It's Irreplaceable!

Jane: (calling over to Daria from the corner of the ring) Daria, what the hell are you waiting for? Take her out while she's obsessed with her outfit!

Daria: (turns from looking in Jane's direction to see the blurry image of Sandi in the center of the ring) Yea, maybe if I could see I might do something like that. (Calls back to Jane) Where are my glasses?

Jane: About three steps to your right.

Daria: (Stoops down and sweeps about with her hand until she finds her glasses and put them on her face) Ah, now I'll be able to see all of the gore better. (Now being able to see Sandi's exact position, Daria charges at her before she can look up from fretting over the destruction of her new shirt and Knocks Sandie's sword out of her hands with her mace. The sword flies off out of the ring and impales a spectator in the crowd through the abdomen. Daria then evens the odds by tossing her own weapon and simply attempting to tackle Sandi. Daria succeeds in Knocking Sandi to the mat but Sandi manages to roll over on top of Daria and begins to smack Daria's head against the mat.

Sandi: You stupid brain, do you KNOW how much this shirt cost? It was, like....my favorite or something. (After the third smack against the mat Daria decides that she's had enough of this, she brings her knee up as hard as she can and hits Sandi in the inner thigh giving her a Charlie horse and knocking her off balance at the same time. After Sandi falls over to one side in pain Daria quickly gets up and smacks Sandi's head against the mat as hard as she can, then she grabs Sandi with both hands and drags her over to the ropes surrounding the ring.)

Daria: Jane Quick, give me a hand here. (Jane moves quickly to help her friend and they both lodge Sandi against the ropes and then begin to pull back on them as hard as possible while holding Sandi in place.)

Jane: I thought we were just going to humiliate her so you could get even for that little incident in the hallway.

Daria: Relax. I thought you knew by now.

Jane: Know what?

Daria: That airheads bounce!

Jane: Dammit, I must have slept though that chapter in Bio.(beat) Um... is this far enough because I don't think we can pull this back any further.

Daria: Nope, that about does it. Let her rip!! (Daria and Jane release the rope and Sandi is propelled high up into the air while screaming)

Jane: Um...don't look now but I think she has escape velocity.

Daria: Ah hell, this isn't going to be pretty. (They both cringe ans Sandi collides with one of the lamp emplacements suspended from the ceiling causing it to explode in a shower of sparks before it comes crashing to the ground just before Sandi's charred remains.

Mills Lane: (Approaches from the safety of a far corner of the ring and raises on of Daria's arms in the air) The winner!!

Daria: Lawsuit!! (Mills Lane drops her arm and backs off)

(Cut to the announcers booth)

Gomez: Oh my god, I can't believe it. By using the ropes around the rind as a rubber band, Daria has just launched her opponent into an electrified hell.

Diamond: I'll bet she was shocked when she saw that one coming Eh Jonny?

Gomez: (turns to Diamond) God Nick, you're jokes SUCK! (Stone cold grabs their attention after noticing that Ms. Li has climbed into the ring and is using it for her own personal business)

Stone cold: Hey what the...?

Diamond: What the hell is she doing? The fights over....

(Cut to the ring)

(Ms. Li has the mic and is making an announcement)

Li: ATTENTION students, Apparently none of you have been listening to any of my earlier announcements so I am now forced to take the following action. There is still plenty of merchandise left to be sold at the concession stand so you are now to proceed to the afore mentioned concession stands and buy what remains. Failure to do so will result in suspension on Monday. Um...incidentally the proceeds that are being raised will go towards the design of the new school uniforms that will be presented to the school board pending approval. Thank you and Have a good Day.

Stone cold: I don't believe this....where does she get off trying to force kids to buy a bunch of useless crap for the benefit of a school? I just can't take any more of this shit! (Gets up and leaves the booth)

Diamond: Where the hell is he going?

Gomez: I don't know nick, but I'll bet this is going to be interesting to say the least.

Diamond: I think you've said a mouthful Jonny

(Cut to the ring just after Jane and Daria have made their exit)

( Stone cold quickly climbs into the ring before Ms. Li can make any sort of exit after returning the mic to Mills Lane. He walks up to Ms. Li swiftly and grabs her by the back of her hair almost suspending her off the ground by it)

Li: OW!! What is the MEANING of this? Let me go this instant!!

Stone cold: (shouting to the Crowd) Ladies and gentleman This woman has been a bitch and a dictator to you and a royal pain in my ass for the entire duration of this evenings event. So if any of you people would like to see me pound this person into the mat, "give me a hell yea!"
(Crowd shouts whole heartedly "Hell yea". Stone cold picks her up and body slams her onto the mat and then get's up)

Stone cold: (shouts to the crowd again) If any of you people would like to see me toss this person out of the ring, then "give me another Hell Yea" (Crowd shouts "Hell Yea"! Stone cold tosses her out of the ring into the audience, the people in the audience pick her up and body surf her back to the ring side. He then climbs down from the ring and shouts to the crowd)

Stone cold: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just having the time of my life, and nothing makes me happier than beating the living hell out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.. And that's the bottom line, because Stone cold said so! So without further adue, If any of you people would like to see me lock Mrs. Li into the trunk of her own car then "give me one more Hell Yea!" (Crowd shouts "hell yea"! Stone cold is seen Dragging Li out to the parking lot followed by dozens of students who want to see this happen.)

(Cut to the commentator's booth)

Gomez: Well I guess that wraps things up here. I'm Johnny Gomez.

Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond

Gomez: Good fight,...and good... (The loud beeping of an alarm is heard. That whole scene vanishes and we see Daria bolt up right out of her sleep. Daria looks around her room to see snow on the t.v and the case to celebrity death match volume one sitting on top of the VCR. She looks at her clock and notices that she has to get up for school. She get's up, get's dressed and heads to Jane's)

Daria: (walking down the sidewalk next to Jane) You wouldn't believe the dream I had last night.

La.la.la.la.la
Rolls ending credits:

Beautiful People my Marilyn Manson plays in the background as various alter egos of the Daria characters are displayed along with the credits.

"Give me a hell yea", another hell yea, and one more hell yea are trademark phrases used by stone cold Steve Austin. "And that's the bottom line Because stone cold Said so" is also a trademark phrase of stone cold Steve Austin.

"Let's get it on" is a trademark phrase commonly used by Mills Lane.
Jane's Theme was actually a fan fiction written by raven but I figured Trent could have written a song with that title as well.