By Steve Mitchell

(Jane and Daria are seen driving from the mall in Jane's 75' sky blue Monte Carlo)

Daria: (holding up a one piece black bathing suit) I can't believe I Let you talk me into buyingthis thing.

Jane: Give me a break Daria, it was the only one you WOULD buy. I wanted you to go for some thing a little more revealing. You know, to wear for Trent. You've been seeing him for a year, Ithink it's safe to show him SOMETHING.

Daria: No way Jane, I wear a thong for no one.

Jane: Well at least you agreed to model it for him. You should model it for him while in theshower. That way he can have fun pealing it off of you.

Daria: Not while your in the house.Jane: Your no fun you know that.

Daria: Thank you. It's nice to know I'm appreciated.

(The chirp of a siren is heard from behind. Jane looks in the mirror to see the flashing red andblue lights of a lawndale local.)

Jane: SHIT, what the hell did I do. (She pulls to the side of the road)

Daria: How fast were you going?

Jane: Old double nickel like the nice white sign says.

Officer: (as he approaches the window) I'd like to see your licence, registration, and proof ofinsurance.

(Jane fumbles about in the glove box and then produces the documents) Officer: (Looks over at Daria) Ms. Do you have any I.D. on you?

Daria: Um..Yea (Pulls out her own licence)

Officer: (looks at the documents briefly then hands Daria back her I.D.) Okay Ms. Lane, do youknow why I stopped you?

Jane: Not yet I don't. Perhaps you could enlighten me.

Officer: (taps at the corner of the front windshield) Your inspection sticker is expired.

Jane; (Pinches her sinuses) AW hell, I forgot I was supposed to do that last week.

Officer: (looks the car over) Do you have any drugs, alcohol, guns ,knives bazookas, or any typeof explosive in this vehicle?

Daria; (sarcastic)Does the fart that's brewing in my ass count?

Jane;( rolls her eyes) Can I get out of the car?

Officer: NO! Stay in the car. I'll be back in a moment. (Walks to his car to run a backgroundcheck on the computer.)

Jane: Christ, I can't believe I forgot to get the damn thing inspected this month.

Daria: Relax Jane, it happens to the best of us. Besides, in another year this gas guzzling behemoth will be old enough to be considered a classic. You can get a set of historic tags andyou won't have to get it inspected every year.

Jane: Sounds cool. At least this thing runs better than the Tank.

Daria: After what happened to it when we tried to drive to South Park anything runs better thanthe Tank. (Jane chuckles)

Jane: Jesus, do they always take this long.

Daria: You've told me that you've been stopped before. You know they take forever.

(As they are talking another patrol car pulls up. Two female officers get out and walk over to converse with the first officer.) They then the three approach Jane's car. An officer moves to stand on either side of the car and one directly behind.)

Daria: (looking in her mirror) uh oh, This can't be good.

Male officer: Ms. Lane are you aware that you have four outstanding Traffic tickets?

Jane; Um..yea, I was gonna pay those when I got the cash.

Male officer: Well Ms. Lane, as a result of your procrastination there has been a bench warrant issued for your arrest. I need you and your friend to step out of thevehicle.

Jane: But I...

(The officers open the doors for them as Daria and Jane exit the car and are frisked by the twofemale officers)

female officer1: Ms. Morgandorffer we have nothing against you at this time. Please stand over bythe patrol car.

(Daria reluctantly moves a few steps away but not to where they told her to go. She is not about to put any amount of real distance between her and her friend)

Male officer: (Handcuffs Jane) Ms. Lane I'm placing you under arrest at this time. You have the right to remain silent, Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, You have the right to an attorney, If you cannot afford one will be provided to you by the court. Do youunderstand these right as I have explained them to you?

Jane: yes(Male officer escorts her to his patrol car)

Jane: (As she is led away Jane whimpers ) Daria help.

(Daria looks on helplessly as the patrol car leaves with her friend)

Female officer: Ms. Morgandorffer I trust you will drive this vehicle home.

Daria: (meekly) Um..Yea. I'll do that. (Concerned)What's going tohappen to Jane?

Female officer: Something like this isn't that big. As soon as she pays the tickets and a court costshe's free as a bird. Daria: Thanks. I can go then?

Female officer: Yea, go ahead.

(Daria drives to her house and comes out of her room with a full purse. Surprisingly no one in the house notices her coming or going) (yes, believe it or not she does in fact posses a purse I think wesaw it in "I Don't")(Cut to the town court house)

Daria: (approaches the court clerk) A friend of mine was brought in recently on a traffic violation. Could you tell me what it would cost to bail her out?

Clerk: Name?

Daria: Jane Lane.

Clerk: (does some typing on her computer) She was arrested for four outstanding traffic tickets andbrought in about an hour ago?

Daria: Yea.

Clerk: Ok......The total with court cost comes to six hundred thirty two dollars. (Smiles annoyingly as if she lives for that moment) Will that be cash, check, or moneyorder?

Daria: (Winces as if in serious pain) Cash. (Mumbles) Damn bitch better wipe that smile off your face before my boots decide on their own to wipe it off for you.

Clerk: I'm sorry?

Daria: I said Can I get a receipt

Clerk: No problem. (Gets the printer going while Daria counts out thecash) (Twenty minutes later A corrections officer escorts Jane from her holding cell to where Daria iswaiting and announces that she is free to go)

Daria: You owe me big Lane. That money came out of my Montana cabinfund.

Jane: (Tries to Hug Daria) Thanks Daria,

Daria: (Blocks her arms and says loudly) STOP,... INK on the fingers. Besides people will get Ideas.

(Daria reaches for a tissue box on the clerks counter) Here, Use these. ALL of them(Cut to Daria and Jane driving home in Daria's car this time)

Jane: Where's my car?

Daria: At my house. Getting stopped once today is enough for me.

Jane: (chuckles) Thanks again Daria, I'll pay you back. If I ever have kids I'll name one after you.

Daria: That's okay Jane, Cash will do fine.

Jane; Damn! (The two of them arrive at Daria's house and enter to find Jake and Helen arguing... Loudly.)

Jake: Dammit Helen, your always on my back about something. Either it's bills or I don't spend enough time with the girls or some other thing. Maybe I don't spend enough time with them because you don't let me. Every time I try to talk to them you tell me to shut up or that I'm underminingwhat your trying to say.

Jane: Whoa...maybe I should come back later.

Daria: Yea, I'll give you a call. And don't get any more tickets on your way home.

Jane: Thanks again Daria. I'll make sure Trent gives you some lovin' if you see him tonight.

(Daria blushes hoping her parents didn't here that. Fortunately they are to busy arguing with eachother.)

Daria: (as she starts to close the door Daria shakes her head ) I should have left here there a little longer.

(Helen storms out the door before Daria finishes closing it)

Helen: (with anger in her voice) Hi Daria. (She gets in her car anddrives off)

Daria : (closes the door again then turns to Jake) Dad, What the hell Just Happened?

Jake: Oh Daria, your mother and I had a bit of an argument.

Daria: I can see that, She's never stormed out the door and drove off before. What did you guys fight about?

Jake: She kept telling me that I'm not as supportive a father as I should be. I dunno, I guess I justsnapped. Do you think I should go after her?

Daria: (Thinks for a moment) No, let her drive around until she cools off. She'll come home whenshe's vented enough.

Jake: (meekly) Daria, Do you think I'm supportive enough as a father?

Daria: (thinking) Dammit, He's going to make me say it (Out loud)Dad, I think you've tried to be as supportive as any father could be. (Pats Jake on the head) Don't worry, She'll come home.

Jake: (as Daria heads upstairs to her room) Thanks kiddo, Your one of the best things to ever happento me.

Daria:( smiles as she opens the door to her room) I know..(beat) But don't burst Quinn's bubble justyet.

(Cut to late in the evening. Around eleven o'clock)

(Jake is asleep on the couch. Apparently he was worried and he tried to wait up for Helen )

(The light rattle of keys being inserted into the door latch is heard and then the door opens slowly to reveal Helen Quietly sneaking in with a long thin case. As she moves past the couch she spies Jake there sleeping. She can tell he was worried because There is an empty coke bottle and a photo album opened to their wedding photo's an the coffee table. The only time Jake doesn't have a martini is when he's worried.) (Helen Looks at Jake sleeping soundly on the couch, lets out a small sigh and goes to fetch him a blanket. After that she heads upstairs tobed) (As Helen walks down the hall to her bedroom Daria's door opens as shepasses it)

Daria: Mom?

Helen: (stops and turns to face Daria standing in the hall with her arms crossed) Yes sweetie?

Daria: What's the story with you and Dad? Helen: What do you mean?

Daria: What do YOU mean. That's the first time you've been mad enough to storm out of the house for ANY reason. Hell, You almost knocked me out of the way on your way out of the door.

Helen: (sighs) I'm sorry Daria, I just really needed to get out of this house and vent for a while. Things just got a little to heated between your father and I.

Daria: Yea well, I can understand that. I have the urge to run from this house all the time. Of coarse it's usually when Quinn is flapping her gums about the fashion club or her Date list.(beat) Dad was pretty worried. He was set to search the globe to find you.

Helen: But he didn't?

Daria: I told him you probably just needed a little space for a while.

Helen: Yea, I did, I found some to. Goodnight sweetie. (Goes to her room and closes the door.)

Daria: (still standing in the hallway) What the hell did THAT mean? (Cut to the next day)

(Daria is at Jane's. Daria is lying on the bed ala "Quinn the brain". Jane is painting a caricature of Daria and Trent as Jedi knights with their light sabers at the ready ) ("Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns and Roses blares from the speakers on Jane's computer) (No itis not a Mac. I Hate Mac's)

Jane; So what do you think is up with your parents? They seemed to be going at it pretty hardyesterday.

Daria: They just had a heated argument. My mom needed some time to cool off so she stormed out of the house and came back late at night. There's something I don't quite get though.

Jane: And what's that oh spectacled one.

Daria: Where did she go for so long. I mean she was gone for about five hours. I have a hard time believing she was just driving around for that length of time. And when she did come home, Her hair was all tied back and she looked like she had actually had a kick ass good time. That's the first timeI've ever seen my mom come home like that.

Jane: Maybe she just needed a change of pace. I wouldn't worry about it. On a side note when are you going to model that new bathing suit for Trent. I told him all about it and he can't wait to seeyou in it.

Daria:( Glares at Jane) probably right after I tell him about you getting arrested.

Jane: (drops her paint brush) You wouldn't...(Evil grin appears on Daria's face) I hate you. (Daria moves to get up) ALRIGHT..you win I'll stop about the bathing suit.

Daria: EXCELLENT...everything is going according to plan.

Jane: (imitates Dr. Evil by placing her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth ) "I hope Mr. Bigglesworth doesn't get upset..because when Mr. Bigglesworth get's upset(beat) people DIE."(Laughs evilly) Sorry, couldn't help it.

Daria: Alrighty then Janet.

Jane: (grits her teeth) Don't ever call me that. My mom doesn't even call me that.

Daria: Take it easy Jane, I'm just busting your stones (beat) That is provided you had them.

Jane: (stretches the waist of her shorts and peers down) Nope, still female. I guess that means I'll be spared Ms. Barch's wrath for a little while longer.

Daria: Guess so. (The music on Jane's computer cuts out and a screen saver comes up while playing "your standingon my neck" By Splendora)

Daria: Where did you get this screen saver?

Jane: Found it on the web somewhere. It's the theme to some cartoon onMTV.

Daria: Catchy tune.

Jane; I thought so. So what screen saver do you have on your computer?

Daria: Airwolf. (Starts humming the theme song)

(Jane moves the mouse and the music from the cd-rom comes back up)

(Cut to that evening)

(After dinner Helen Goes upstairs and actually changes into a pair of jeans and a Grateful Dead t-shirt then comes back down and heads for the door)

Daria: (looks at how her mom is dressed) What the hell?

Quinn: Wow mom, you actually look normal.(Helen glares at Quinn)

Jake: Hey Helen, where are you going in such a hurry.

Helen: Out for a while. Be back later. (Heads out the door)

(The car can be heard leaving the driveway)

Jake: Daria, you don't think she's still mad at me do you?

Daria: She doesn't seem to be. She's actually been pretty cheerful today. Which is pretty damn odd if you ask me, she normally is to busy bugging me about my self image to do anything fun.Jake: I guess she still needs to unwind.

(Cut to school a week later)

(Daria and Jane are standing in front of Daria's locker while other student's bustle about.)

Daria: I just don't get it. This just isn't like my mom. She goes out right after dinner wearing outfits that are totally out of character for her, doesn't say a word about where she's going and Then sneaks in the door as quietly as possible around midnight.

Jane: Yet she still has time to make dinner, If that's what you call lasagna night after night, do the laundry, and take fifty thousand calls from work before heading out. It sounds like she's just cuttingloose a bit. Stop worrying.

Daria: I'm not worrying, I'm just concerned. My dad on the other hand is a different story. He's starting to think she's cheating on him. You should see him. He walks in circles wondering where he went wrong and how he can get the spice back into theirrelationship.

Jane; And what do YOU think?

Daria: Believe it or not I respect my mom too well to suspect anything like that, but I have to admit I'd pay an arm, a leg and one of my tubes to find out where she's been going at night.

Jane: And the bidding begins. I hear one arm do I hear two.(Daria glares) Chill, I'm kidding.(beat) So you think Jake's ready to go ballistic over it?

Daria: I don't think my dad is that bad...Yet. But just in case Do me a favor and keep that bombshelter of your mom's open for me.

Jane: Will do.

(Cut to that night)

(It is after dinner and Helen is preparing to head out the door once again. Quinn has already left on one of her dates and Daria is upstairs talking to Jane on the phone.) (Helen has grabbed her keys and is about to head out the door when she is confronted by Jake)

Jake: Helen, I need to know where your going. You go out every night, come back when everyone's asleep and you never say a word about where your going. Whenever I ask, you Just say that your going out.

Helen: Jake will you get a grip. I've just been unwinding with some friends is that so hard to understand. You hang out at the bar with your friends all the time and do I make a big deal aboutit...No I don't do I.

Jake: That's different Helen, I always tell you where I'm going and when I'll be back. You disappear into the night and don't say a word. Don't you think I worry about you?

(Cut to Daria's room)(Daria is still on the phone with Jane) Jane: Is that yelling I hear? What the hell is going on over there?

Daria: It HAS begun.Jane: Jake finally found his nerve huh?

Daria: Yea, In the same place he lost his virginity about thirty yearsago.

Jane: That's... very nasty Daria. I see you've gained a sense of humor. This is good. (Cut back to Helen and Jake)

Helen: Jesus Jake, I thought you trusted me after all these years. I AM entitled to go out and have some fun once in a while without a chaperone you know.

(Helen storms out the door before Jake can get another word out) Jake: I....Dammit!! (kicks one of the couch legs) OW!! (Manages to calm himself a little) Fine! You want to hang out god knows where until the crack of dawns ass? That's just great... I Don't need to Know where your going. (Begins to pace around the house)

(Cut to half an hour later) Jake: (grabs his keys) Yea...I do need to know.

Daria: (as she watches Jake pull out of the driveway)(Daria is still on the phone with Jane) Well,There he goes.

Jane: Do you think he'll find her?

Daria: Hard to say. But I'll bet my Montana cabin fund that he makes an ass out of himself wether he finds her or not. Why don't you come over and we can take turns waiting for the police to callso we can bail one or both of them out.

Jane: I shall be at your door post haste.

Daria: Cool. See you then. (Hangs up) (Cut to the town pool hall)(Helen is seen entering with a long slender case)

Allen: There you are. We were about to get started without you.

Helen: Oh Jake was upset because I was going out again.

Paul: You really should tell him where your going. It would make things go a lot smoother for you.

Helen: (sighs) Your right of coarse. It's just so nice to be able to get out and Hang with some real friends for a change. I'm just afraid Jake will flip if he found out I was shooting pool with a coupleof guys.

Allen: Yea, but It'd look worse if had to find out on his own. He'd really get the wrong idea if youcatch my drift.

Paul: (pulls out his cell phone) Call him and tell him where you are. He'll probably feel better.

Helen: (dials and lets it ring ten times before hanging up) (Daria is seen talking to Jane outside by her car) That's odd. No answer. I'll try again later.(hands the phone back) So Allen, Paul, How arethings at the beureu?

Allen: Peachy... been pretty quiet today actually.

Paul: Mostly tracing crank calls. Nothing significant.

Helen:(reminiscing) My, you two have come a long way since Midleton. All I ever saw you guys doing is working on that piece of shit valiant of Allen's.

Allen: Hey, I loved that car. It just didn't love me back That's all.

Paul: Yea, yea enough nostalgia already I'm getting sick here. How about a game of eight ball?

Helen: Works for me.

Allen: Try to go easy on me Helen. You cleaned me out last night. (Helen just smirks)

Paul: You two get the game going. I'm gonna go check out the cd player. (Walks over to make a few selections) ("Save yourself" by Stabbing Westward begins to play) (Paul walks back to rejoin the group)(Cut to two hours later) (The group is still playing)( "Wherever I may roam" by Metallica plays on the background)

Paul: Listen I've got to go visit the porcelain god. Be back in a few.

Allen: Cool, We'll wait for you to rack up again.(Paul walks off)

Helen: I never got a chance to ask you, How's your wife?

Allen: Kiki? She's good. Sometimes I'll move a piece of furniture around so she has to figure outwhere it is again. You know just to tease.

Helen: Oh, That's right she can't see can she. Isn't that a little cruel?

Allen: Not really, She knows I'm just teasing. Anyway, I never move it far. Just a foot or so to keep her on her toes. I wouldn't do it if I knew it was making her mad. Besides, She has ways of getting even. (Allen chuckles) You've got a couple of kids now right? What are their names...Quinn and um...

Helen: Daria Allen: Ah Latin name. Roughly translated..King or the thinker. Good choice.

(Jake is seen entering the pool hall. By strange coincidence "Techno syndrome 7" by the immortal's (Mortal Kombat theme) begins to play in the background)( Jake spots Helen and quickly walks over)

Jake: (looks angry) So THIS is where you've been running off to. (Looks at Allen) And YOU! Whatthe hell are you doing near my wife !

Helen: Jake for god's sake, your over reacting.

Allen: (takes a step back) I take it your Jake. Relax man, Nothing is what your thinking. Your wife was just playing a game of...

Jake: You were playing games with my wife! You rotten son of a bitch...(takes a swing but Allen blocks and counters with a snap kick to the jaw knocking Jake down)

Allen: (draws his badge from his back pocket) FBI Mr. Morgandorffer, Now just hold it right there and we can talk this whole thing out without any more problems.

Jake; (Gets up) I don't care who you are! (Grabs a pool stick and swings. Allen ducks and Jake smashes the overhead lamp. Allen grabs Jake and tosses him to thefloor.) (Jake gets up and prepares to swing again. Allen draws his gun)( Paul upon returning sees the scuffleand draws his weapon as well)

Allen: Jake..drop your weapon and let's talk. You don't need to be the tough man on campus.

Jake: Sounds like my father. Stick up for your self Jake. You've got to be tough Jake. That's one of the reasons he sent me to military school the bastard. (Jake continuesto rant)

Paul: (turns to Helen) What the hell's he talking about now?

Jake: (before Helen can answer) Well I'm not going to take any of this any more!

(Jake charges Allen and Paul. Allen quickly drops the barrel of his gun a few inches and fires. JakeFalls to the floor clutching his left leg) GAHH...

Helen: Jesus!! Jake why do you always have to overreact. (Looks at Paul) For god's sake call anambulance.

Paul: (has his cell phone to his ear) I'm already on it. Allen, back ups on it's way.(Cut to about two in the morning)

(Daria and Jane are sleeping on the couch of the Morgandorffer livingroom) (Daria wakes up to a ringing phone)

Daria: (Drowsey) Hello? Oh hi mom, where are you? WHAT? Holy shit, I'm on my way. (Reaches over and smacks Jane to wake her up)

Jane: For gods sake Daria what is it.

Daria: My mom just called, we have to go.

Jane; Did Jake make an ass out of himself like you thought.

Daria: (with actual emotion in her voice) My dad's been shot.

Jane: What!! (looks at Daria for a moment) Oh god, your not kidding are you? (Grabs her boots)Let's roll.

(They run to the Lane mobile and spin the tires on their way out of thedriveway) (Spinning Daria logo Zooms in then zooms out) (cut to the hospital as Daria and Jane arrive )

Daria: (Meets up with Helen outside of the emergency room) Is Dad alright??

Helen: He'll be okay, it's only a flesh wound. Their stitching him upnow.

Daria: How the hell did this happen?

Helen; Your father was being himself. (Helen explains in full detail about the nights events)

Jane: So..Jake thought you were cheating when he saw you with a couple of guys playing pool when these guys were actually old college friends of yours that you haven't seen in years let alone told anybody about and have been sneaking out to play pool with at night for the past two weeks. Hm..Can't imagine how that could possibly lead him to believe you werecheating.

Daria: Dammit Jane, you didn't leave anything left for me to comment on. So has dad calmed down yet.

Helen: Yes, I think I was able to explain things enough to get through to him. I think I'm actually going to have to kiss his ass for a while to make up for all this.

Daria: Mom, this all could have been....

Helen: I know Daria, I shouldn't have been so secretive.

(Allen comes walking down the hall with a report in his hand and wearing his badge on his belt thistime)

Allen: You okay Helen?

Helen: I'll be okay. I just can't believe all this has happened.

Allen: Well, as...unstable as Jake was tonight, all this does prove something.

Helen: (Smiles) I Know

Jane: Hey, six foot tall stranger with the badge. Who the hell are you?

Allen: Oh sorry, I'm agent Allen Mitropolous with the FBI. And you are?

Jane: Jane Lane (shakes his hand)

Daria: Daria Morgandorffer (doesn't shake hands)

Allen: So your Helen's daughter.

Daria: Not by choice anyway.

Allen: Okay then. Um..Listen Helen I had a heart to heart with the D.A and I was able to pull some strings and it goes like this. He won't prosecute if Jake pays for the damage to the pool hall and agrees to seek a little voluntary counseling than he'll be free to go. Because the guy has obviouslygot some emotional issues.

Helen: I don't think that'll be a problem.

Allen: Good. (Starts to walk off)

Helen: Allen...I'm sorry about all this.

Allen; (still walking) It's cool, we'll have to play again sometime. (Stops and turns around) Justmake sure you tell Jake next time.

Jane: So how are you going to manage with all the ass kissing your mom's gonna do?

Daria: I plan to move in with you for a while.

Jane: You mean Trent don't you? (Daria raises an eyebrow and smirks

) Roll ending credits:

Who made who by AC/DC plays as alter ego's of the characters aredisplayed.

The painting Jane did of Daria and Trent as Jedi nights was in reference to Star Wars: Episode one. All hail George Lucas.

If any one has any comments E-mail me at wildgoose@prodigy.com