Tour of Duty

(Opening Music- Splendora, "You're Standing on My Neck", but with different scenes:
Rising shot from behind a silhouetted figure, a bag over his shoulder; the view in front of him is of the Morgendorffer house.

A shot of a dark-haired, somewhat tall guy, looksabout 18-20, with black jeans, white T-shirt with a red and black Hawaiian shirt over it, walking with Daria and Jane: shot switches POV, showing that they're walking to Lawndale High. Shot re-reverses, showing that the trio has stopped at the sight; the guy's expression shows that he's not impressed.

Shot of Jim's Paintballing Jungle. Close-up ofUpchuck's entire upper body, plus head; he is alone, holding a paintball gun andlooking nervous. Suddenly he arches forward, with a painful grimace, and falls out of the shot, revealing Brittany, holding her own gun, looking satisfied with herself.

Shot of the Zen, interior, stage. A concert's going on, and the Spiral's onstage. Shot reverses to show Daria and Jane sitting at a table, sodas in hand;they seem to be watching a specific thing other than the antics of the band. Suddenly, they both wince.

Four-way split-screen shot of the Fashion Club; each girl is at her locker, which is open. All four appear to be reading letters, which each one holds infront of their faces as they read. In unison, they lower the letters, and each girl's expression is different; Sandi's, arrogantly triumphant; Quinn's, confident; Stacy's, VERY nervous, but happy; and Tiffany's, vacuously satisfied.

The familiar shot of Daria smirking, which is suddenly disrupted as Jane, Tom, Trent, Quinn and Stacy are shoved into the shot by the guy. The circle tries to close around all of them, but fails and shatters; the sound effect stops the normal music, and the background turns black. The shot pans upward, so that only the groups' foreheads and eyes are visible, and the title appears, in Dariafont)

I Was A Teenage Money Fiend
Episode 1- "Introductions"

(Music: Beethoven's "Pastorale". Shot opens on an overhead of everyone's favourite town, Lawndale. Shot beginsto zoom in, like a camera taking pictures, with appropriate SFX. First, it narrows to the western half of town; then, halves again; then, again. Lastly, it narrow seven further, to pick out the town's train station, at the far western end of town. The shot fades out quickly, and thenfades into a shot of the outside of the station. A figure walks out of the station, head down, the light obscuring his/her face, with a large-ish duffle bag over his/her shoulder. Putting fingers to his/her lips,the figure whistles loudly – we then hear thesound of car brakes. Shot reverses to show that a cab has stopped in front of the figure. S/he getsin, throwing the bag in first.)

(The shot cuts to an outside front shot of the Morgendorffer home, a short while later. Just over the music can be heard the tweeting of birdies, etc. Then, there's a loud thunderclap, and it starts to rain.)

(The shot fades, reappearing inside the house, inside Daria's room. Panning to the bed shows that she's still inside, her glasses next to her bed. The background music fades, and we hear a muffled groan from under the covers; close-upon a hand picking up the glasses. The hand moves OS, and we hear rustling, as Daria gets up. Then, we hear the sound of the door opening and closing. We heara muffled "Daria!" in a suspiciously familiar voice [that would be Quinn], and then water running; Daria's nabbed the shower first.)

(The shot cuts to the outside of the house, some time later; music continues. It's darkish outside, but the rain has apparently stopped for the moment. The camera pans backward a little, to reveal a figure in front of it, obscured by shadow. The figure's looking up at the house, as if trying to see who's inside. The figure shakes its head, and walks OS; a moment later, the door opens, revealing Quinn, dressed in much the same outfit she usually is - however, her T-shirt is neon pink, with the Chinese character for 'love'printed in some glossy black material on the front, in quite a prominent size.)

(Shot switches to the outside of another familiar domicile, Casa Lane, and moves inside to Jane's room, just in time to see her pick up her bag, and walk out the door. She looks vaguely happy.)

(Music: "Winnona's Big Brown Beaver", Primus. Shot cuts to the street, where Daria and Jane are walking together to school. Daria's carrying a large black umbrella.)

Jane: So amiga, ya ready for another wonderful year in the prestigious halls of Lawndale High?

Daria: Do I get a blindfold?

Jane: No, but I think I can borrow some arsenic from the chem lab.

(The two smirk, and continue walking. Music fades out, and is replaced by a heartbeat. Shot switches to a first-person POV, behind our heroines; the view gets closer and closer, and still the two girls don't look behind them. Then, the person's right hand and arm come into the shot, reaching for Daria'sright shoulder. The person gets closer and closer, untilthe hand comes down. Then. . .)

Guy's voice: Excus-

(Shot switches back to side-view, as the voice is abruptly cut off, when Daria starts at the contact, and swinging around, violently brushes off the person's hand – with the hand holding the umbrella, hitting the person [a guy, as revealed briefly in the side-view before the umbrella hits] in the face; he brings both hands up to his face; there's a muffled "Ow!" Shot pans outward slightly, to show Daria and Jane,who's moved around, so that she'sfacing the guy. A shot from Jane's POV allows us to see this person, after he brings his hands down from his face. He has short straight black hair, and has a longish-looking face. His smallish, oval glasses only partly hide the dark rings under his eyes. His clothes consist of black jeans, light T-shirt, and a red Hawaiian shirt with a distinctive black pattern on it; he wears generic running shoes. In one of his hands is an army-style duffle bag. To top it off, he has a small, neatly kept goatee, but no moustache. Shot then switches back to side-view.)

Jane: (admiringly) Nice one amiga, ya catch'em all like that? (smirks)

Daria: (never taking her eyes off the guy) Know where you live, know when you sleep. Have a key.

Jane: (holding up her hands) Whoa there, ease up pardner. (to guy) You OK?

Guy: (sniffing and rubbing his nose with one hand) Uh,yeah, hi. (he lowers his hand and holds it out to Our Heroines; neither takes it, and after a moment,he retracts it) My name is -

Jane: Well, it's not Mr. Lucky.

Guy: No it's not; (his expression changes to a friendly one, albeit still sore) it's Michael March. Pleased to meet you. (Neither girl looks impressed by this, which seems to confuse him.) You don't know who I am? (they shake their heads) Really?

Jane: Nope.

Daria: Sorry to disappoint.

Michael: (shrug) That's all right. I'm not that important anyhow. (grin; beat) Are you two going anywhere near Lawndale Secondary School? Someone told me that it's somewhere in this direction.

(Daria and Jane look at each with slightly widened eyes – 'Secondary School'?)

Jane: Nah. (Michael looks a little bit disappointed) But we are going to Lawndale High.

Daria: (deadpan) Couldn't you tell by our happy faces?

(the girls smirk)

Michael: Ah, I see. D'you mind if I follow you there?

Jane: (in a not uninviting tone) It's a free country.

Michael: Thanks, um...

Jane: (shakes her head; then points to Daria) She Daria. (points to herself) Me Jane.

Michael: (with one raised eyebrow) Me doctor.

Jane: (confused) Huh?

Michael: (shakes his head and smiles) Don't worry, you'll understand in time. Brit humour.

(Daria and Jane look at each other for a moment, then shrug. The three start walking again, Michael at the back.)

Daria: (thought VO) O-kaay. (to Michael) So, Michael, why Lawndale? Did the Commerce board get our ad and the one for the French Riviera mixed up in the travel brochures again?

(At this, Jane and Michael smile)

Michael: It's Mike, please, and as for why here, I'm not really sure; I guess I wanted a change. (bt) I look forward to it.

(At this, the girls smirk.)

Daria: (more to Jane then everyone) Then boy, do I ever hate to burst your bubble.

(Jane chuckles)

Michael: (hereafter referred to as 'Mike'; looks a little mystified) Why do you say that? (bt) I mean, it can't be that bad, can it? (the two girls chuckle even harder) What?

(Cut to shot of the front of Laaaaawndale High, a few minutes later. There's a medium-sized crowd of students outside. Music: "Swimming in Your Ocean", Crash Test Dummies. Reverse POV, to show Daria, Jane and Mike looking at this edifice of,*ahem* 'higher learning'. Mike looks resigned.)

Mike: (thought VO) Once more unto the breach... (*sighs*; to Daria and Jane) So, this is 'it', huh? (They nod) Ain't exactly the Ritz, but I guess it'll have to do. (bt) What're the other inmates like?

Daria: Don't worry yourself.

Jane: You'll find out soon enough. (fake evil chuckle)

Mike: (with an eyebrow raised) That fun, eh? Well, you know what they say...

Jane: Misery loves company?

Daria: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"?

Mike: (raising his eyebrow) No, I was gonna say the show must go on, but those are good alternatives.

(The three walk OS right. The scene shifts to the Fashion Club, who are all congregated near a door into the school, talking amongst themselves. As the trio of Daria, Jane and Mike walk past, only Stacy looks up to see who's going by; she notices Mike, and looks interested – but then quickly switches her attention back to the 'meeting'.)

(Cut to front shot of Daria, Jane, and Mike walking down an LHS corridor, holding pieces of paper [locker assignments]. Music: "Freak on a Leash", Korn. Mike is behind them, looking from one side of the hall to the other with a vaguely confused look on his face.)

Mike: (still looking confused) Is it usually this hard to find one blasted door?

Jane: Ah, institutional life; the halls, the bells, the exciting paint jobs.

Daria: Don't forget the voices.

Mike: Other than the ones in our heads? (he hands his page to Daria) Um, do you know where this is?

(She reads it, and raises an eyebrow)

Daria: Uh, I don't want to worry you or anything, Mike, but this-

Mike: What, is it at the opposite end of the building? (deadpan) Oh, the horror of it all.

Daria: No, actually...(shot switches to side-view, as our heroes stop at a set of lockers) It's right here. (she points) Right next to mine. (bt) And Jane's.

Mike (still deadpan): Let the mayhem begin.

(Jane andDaria smirk, but Mike grins. Right after that, the PA blares into life, with Ms. Lion the other end.)

Ms. Li: (sounding a little excited) Would Michael March please report to the Principal's office immediately!

(Mike's shoulders sag.)

Mike: Ah hell. (bt) Well, see you guys later.

(He walks OS, dragging his bag on the floor)

Jane: Poor guy; think we should've gone with him?

Daria: No, he'll be okay; she usually doesn't kill at first sight.

END ACT 1- Commercials [Lead-in: Daria whacking Mike in the face with her umbrella]

(First off, the ol' "Whassaaaaap!" commercial. I know, I know.It's old. It wasn't that funny to begin with. But c'mon, itwas *funny*. Wasn't it? (beat) Well, maybe not.

Next up, the add for the Xbox game Oddworld: Munch's Oddysee. I liked that, too.

Trailer for Shrek. Ah, I know it's in video, but I liked the trailer, and this is my 'fic, so screw it. Have fun!

That's enough, I think. Back to the show.)

ACT 2
(Shot opens inside the auditorium. Music: "My Name Is...", Slim Shady. All of the teaching staff, plus Ms. Li, are onstage. At the far-right-hand side of the stage, a seat apart from everyone else is Mike; he looks annoyed and bored.For some reason, he still has his bag with him. Camera pulls out a little more, to show that the place is full – it's morning assembly. Ms. Li is at the podium, and looks visibly excited. A quick shot from her perspective of the crowd shows that most of their audience is barely conscious; Ms. Li's obviously been talking for awhile.)

Ms. Li: (still rabbiting on) ...And apart from his ten years travel in the Far East, Mr. March the Third comes *highly* recommended from the prestigious Royal St. Marleybone Academy in Toronto...

(Switch shot to Daria and Jane, remarkably still awake.)

Jane: Y'know, this seems oddly familiar.

Daria: At least he's not in pink taffeta. ¹ (bt) I bet I can tell what he's thinking...

Jane: Oh yeah? What?

(Shot switches to vertical split-screen; Daria on the left, Mike on the right. Simultaneously, they both say the same thing, though Mike does in a VO.)

Mike/Daria: This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.

(Shot switches back to Ms. Li, who's about done.)

Ms. Li: And now I'd like Mr. March to come over here, so that he can answer some of your questions; come on over here, Michael, and let me be the first to say; welcome to Laaawndale High.

(The crowd applauds, tepidly. Mike stays seated for a minute, then slowly gets up, muttering "Ah, what the hell." as he does so. He walks over to the now empty podium, and stands behind it, leaning forward a little and gripping the podium with both hands.)

Mike: Hello everyone. (Suddenly, he pulls the microphone off the podium stand, and walks around it tothe front of the stage. As he gets there, he brings the microphone to his lips, and starts calling into it, like a carnival barker.) Laaadies and gentlemen, children of all ages! Hurry-hurry, step right up, this is your first chance to see the one, the only, the Rich Freak! (bt) Is he for real? Is he just an illusion? Step right up folks, and see for yourselves!

(Smash cut back to the podium. Mike's behind it; he blinks, and shakes his head – his whole spiel was just his imagination. He starts to speak.)

Mike: Sorry. (bt) Hello everyone.

(There's a voice fromthe crowd)

Heckler: You already said that!

(Some of the audience laughs)

Mike: (with a smile that's less a friendly gesture, than a non-verbal way of saying f*ck off) Yes, thank you for that. (bt) Does anyone have any questions they'd like to ask? (he looks around, spots a raised hand, and points to it) Yes, you there, in the sports uniform.

(Switch shot to Kevin, with his hand raised.)

Kevin: (lowers his hand) Um, Mike, isn't Canada, like, a city in, like, Alabama or something?

(Pan out to show Brittany, sitting beside him [as per usual].)

Brittany: Um, yeah; I think I have a cousin in Toronto; he says that they have a lot of igloos there, and dogsleds and stuff. (bt, twirls her hair around her finger, looks into the middle distance. Looks back suddenly, excited) Oh yeah, and lots of snow, too.

(Shot focuses on Mike, who stares at the two with an expression of tired disbelief.)

Mike: (thought VO) Kill me now. Dear Lord, PLEASE kill me now. I have money...

(Shot reverses again, this time to show Daria and Jane sitting side-by-side, both smirking.)

(Shot cuts to side shot an LHS hallway; writing in Daria font saying "4 P.M." appears at the bottom middle of thescreen. Daria and Jane are walking together, talking. Music: "Freak", Silverchair.)

Daria: Well that was certainly a fun day.

Jane: Come on Daria, it's not like Mike asked Ms. Li to set the students on him like a pack of dogs.

Daria: (deadpan) Hey, no day here is complete without watching some guy trying to fight off a brainless hoard of teenagers just because he's loaded.

Jane: It beats actually learning something, doesn't it?

(The two keep walking, going OS right. Shot pans left a bit, to show Mike walking several steps behind them; his head is hanging, and you can just about hear him muttering something, but it isn't clear what. His right eye is starting to look remarkably like Mr. DeMartino's.)

Mike: (quietly, but still audible) ...razzzafrackn' brainless bloody American know-nothing idiotic space-filling mouth-breathing... (he continues walking OS right)

(Shot cuts to a sidewalk. Daria, Mike, and Jane are walking from OS right to OS left, Mike again in the rear. Music : "If it feels Good do it.", Sloan. Shot moves in a little, to pick up the conversation.)

Mike: (still somewhat steamed at the day he's had) Jeez,what a cavalcade of freaks. I can't believe they actually let people like that walk around without warning the rest of the public first – especially that idiot wearing the American football uniform. Or that girl that sat next to him. She must've asked me the same bloody question ten times! (bt) And I'm sorry about that crowd.

Jane: For Brittany, that's actually a low number. (bt) And apology accepted.

Daria: Don't let them get to you Mike. (bt) Remember,they can smell fear.

Mike: (slightly more upbeat) Does that mean I can bring them Scooby-snacks for a distraction?

(Shot cuts to the outside of the Pizza King, then inside, where Daria, Jane, and Mike are sitting in a booth. The place looks to be about three-quarters full, which is shown as the shot moves in to focus on the booth. The girls are on the left, Mike on the right, with sodas and slices in front of them – or rather, there's food and drink in front of the two girls, but Mike's plate is empty; the shot catches him finishing the last of his crust, with a great deal of gusto. Music: "Eat the Rich", Aerosmith. Our Heroines seem less than impressed by the food, as only a few bites are gone from their slices. Upon swallowing the last of his pizza, Mike burps, rather loudly. He looks slightly embarrassed.)

Mike: (after a quick glance around the restaurant to see if people noticed the noise) Sorry about that. Traveling tends to make me hungry.

Jane: But that's what you said at lunch. Right before you ate mine.

(She mock-glares at Mike, who raises his hands in surrender, looking sheepish)

Daria: Yes, but that was only the first hollow leg. (Jane and Mike smirk. Daria looks down at her slice, sighs, and pushes it toward Mike) And come to think of it, you can have mine to fill up the next hollow limb. (Jane does the same, after giving her slice one last look) Is it me, or have the folks here lost their knack?

Jane: They had a knack? (Bt) Maybe it's the grease quotient again. It's a tricky thing to master.

Mike: Or the fact that I could swear that this pepperoniis made from monkey... (The two look at him like he's growna second head; bt) But then again, a grease problem sounds good,too.

(Daria and Jane shake their heads, and take sips from their sodas, which are miraculously free of primate products)

Jane: So, Mike, impressions on your first day in the trenches?

(Mike looks up from Daria's slice and swallows)

Mike: (deadpan) When can I desert? (Daria andJane smirk, and nod; normal voice) Your reaction too?

Daria: No, my first was to run screaming into the night; that came a close second, though.

Jane: I was used to it by the time Daria arrived. Kinda like a frog in a pan of water.

(Mike grins, and Daria even smiles,a little)

Mike: Well, it may be bad, but – (looks over top of Daria and Jane) Can we help you, miss?

(Shot pans outward, to show Jodie Landon, with Michael "Mack" Mackenzie in tow, stage left)

Jodie: (starts slightly at Mike's tone, which is a little harsh, but continues) Yes; I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is –

(Mike cuts her off)

Mike: (in a fairly bright and friendly tone) Miss Jodie Landon, perhaps Lawndale High's most dedicated scholar of all? And with you is your boyfriend, an equally committed scholar and captain of the American football troop, a Mr. Michael Jordan Mackenzie, known to his friends and compatriots as 'Mack'? (Jodie is a bit startled as Mike rattles this information off, but nods; Mack raises an eyebrow at the word 'troop') A pleasure to meet you both. (As Mike stands up, the two move closer to him, and he shakes their hands, regardless of the liberal amounts of grease all over his hands, though he does try to wipe some of it off on his jeans first.) Sorry about the mess – pizza being the food that it is...

Daria: (mostly to Jane) Which would of course mean that this stuff counted as food...

Mike: (continuing on as if hasn't heard) But regardless,it's an honour to meet the two of you in person. Daria and Jane have told me quite a bit about you both – (Jodie and Mack start to look nervous, as they've seen Daria when she gets nasty) but don't worry, it was all good stuff! (he laughs, and the two visitors relax) Was there anything else I can do for you – (Jodie draws breath to speak, but Mike keeps going) bearing in mind that it might be some time before I'm sufficiently acclimatised to think about joining a club? (Jodie shuts her mouth)

Mack: How about football? I think Coach just about fainted when you punted that second shot. (Mike gives him a blank look) You know,when you kicked that football in gym class? To the thirty-yard line?

(Mike gets a 'lightbulb-just-went-off' look)

Mike: Oh yes! I remember now. (he frowns slightly) Although I don't like the name of that maneuver – sounds kinda rude. (he chuckles, but is met with odd looks from Jodie and Mack) Y'know, punt... (they still have the look. He sighs) Oh well... (he brightens) I'll see what I can do!

Jodie: (who looks like she's ready to leave) Um, well, it was a pleasure to meet you – sorry I couldn't be your greeter.

Mike: No problem. (he grimaces) Although I now know why Ms. Li usually assigns you to the task – that woman couldn't be a greeter in a small-town Walmart! (he laughs, and Jodie and Mack chuckle, while Daria and Jane smile, if only a little. Mike claps his hands together and rubs them) So, I'll see you guys in school? (The two say "uh huh" / "yeah" at not quite the same time) All right then, well, see you then!

(The two say goodbye and walk off OS left. Mike sits back down – Our Heroines look fairly impressed at how he handled Jodie, normally very aggressive about recruiting)

Mike: (the bright and friendly look vanishing the second his visitors are out of sight – his normal tone reappears) Well, that was a hoot and a holler – I just tingle with anticipation for my next visitor.

(He goes back to stuffing his face, while Daria and Jane share a look that says "Uh-huh...")

END OF ACT 2 -- Commercials [Lead-in: Brittany asking her question,and twirling her hair]

(This time around, commercials from England! [yay] Firstoff, the Volvo S60 ad. This is here only because it usesmusic from Fight Club; otherwise, it's just a lesson on how to get a free crab dinner [i.e., drive over the poor little guys]^_~

Next up, one by T-Mobile [a cell phone company] I wouldn't buy the phone if you paid me to, but the ad is cool because it was shot in Toronto, which is odd, because the company's British – but I'm not complaining; it means I get to see my old hometown. ^_^

Lastly, an ad for Barclay's Bank, starring Samuel L.Jackson of all people – walking down a road, in the middle of nowhere, talking to himself, apparently. Still, it makes sense – after about the fifth viewing. ^_~ Aaaaand...that's it! Aren't you glad it's over?)

ACT 3
(Shot opens outside, side-view. Daria and Jane walk just about side-by-side down the sidewalk, with Mike trailing them by a half-step; he looks a little queasy. Music: "One Week", Barenaked Ladies.)

Mike: Could we slow down a minute? (grimaces) I think that perhaps that last slice was one too many. (grimaces again) Or maybe that's the first slice I'm thinking of. (the girls slow down a little) Thanks. (bt) So, where are we off to now?

Jane: Well, I gotta get home. I think today's the day the bank tries to foreclose on the house. (to Daria) You feellike a bit of construction work, amiga? Plus, I think that Trent is still asle- (Daria clears her throat, and gives Jane a look) Um, I mean... (rather awkward bt; she turns to look at Mike, still walking) How 'bout you, Mike? Feel up to doing some damage?

Mike: (quickly looking between the two girls before answering; the exchange about Trent has him intrigued) But of course; I mean, we've been to school, fought off hordes of admirers, (Daria and Jane smirk at this; Mike stops, and puts a handto his mouth [Daria and Jane stop walking, too] and closes his eyes, as if he's about to be sick – after a moment, he opens his eyes and continues) we've fought theurge to regurgitate ³; (their smirks get wider) I say why not battle a bank, too? Lead on, and let the financial institutions of the town beware! (he strikes a pose as if he's carrying a medieval standard-flag, and walks past the two girls, who let him past)

Jane: Should we tell –

Daria: Wait a minute; it'll hit him.

(A moment later, Mike comes back, looking sheepish; he stops in front of Daria and Jane)

Mike: Um Jane, which way is your house?

(the two smirk)

(Shot cuts to the interior of Helen's office at Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter; only Helen's desk can be seen, however. Music:"Warning", Green Day. She is at her desk, hard at work looking over some papers. Suddenly, a phone goes starts ringing OS [Marianne's], startling her. She looks over to her assistant's desk, to find [as do the rest of us when the camera pans out] that she isn't there. She looks at the phone on her desk, trying to find the right line; after a moment, she sighs, gets up, and walks over to Marianne's desk, talking to herself as she does.)

Helen: Sometimes I don't why I employ that girl... (she gets to the phone, fiddles around with it for aminute, and then picks up the receiver; her attitude immediately changes from annoyed to "professional" [i.e. ass-kissing]) Hello! Helen Morgendorffer's office...yes, this is she... (bt; Helen's expression loses some of its shine) No, I wasn't aware that ... when will he arrive? (she loses some more lustre) I see...why was I not infor-- two weeks? I don't remember such a package arriving then...

(As the conversation continues, Marianne walks onscreen, holding some files under her arm. Helen catches sight of her and scowls; Marianne blanches, but stays put. Meanwhile, Helen's conversation is wrapping up.)

Helen: (now with a really nasty scowl directed at her assistant; however, her bright tone has returned) Well thank you sir, and I'll have that read by the time we speak again. Goodbye! (she puts the phone down) Dammit, Marianne, do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?! (Marianne, justifiably nervous, shakes her head) I've just had one of the senior partners of the New York firm of McManus, Jordan and Schnieder on the phone, and do you want to know what he said?!

(Marianne shakes her head again. Helen continues, taking a few steps toward her rattled aide.)

Helen: (in a slightly more controlled tone) Well, he told me that he just wanted to check up on a young Mr. March, that was on his way to stay with me. Furthermore, he wanted very much to know if I'd read the insightful information package that had been sent to my office about two weeks ago – FedExed, as a matter of fact. (bt) Would you know anything about this?

Marianne: (in a very nervous tone) Um, well Mrs. Morgendorffer, I do remember the par-

Helen: (now a bit louder) Then why on earth didn't you remind me about it?! I felt like a fool on that phone!

Marianne: (stuttering somewhat, and looking a little past Helen) W-well Mrs. Morgendorffer, I-I did, but you sa-

Helen: And you believed me?! Dammit Marianne, how many times have you heard me say that to a client! Just because I say that, doesn't mean tha-

(There's a knock at the door. Pan over to the door, to show none other than Eric Schrecter, looking concerned. Shot cuts back quickly to show the two women; both of them look like deer caught in headlights; Marianne's twisted around somewhat to face her boss. Helen recovers first, summoning up a weak-looking grin and a not particularly sincere laugh. Shot then pans out to include all three people, as Eric begins talking.)

Eric: Ladies, there something wrong here?

(Both of them shake their heads; Helen, her smile a little firmer now, replies.)

Helen: Eric, of course not. (She quickly looks over at Marianne, who confirms her statement by shaking her head, albeit a little too fast) There was just a tiny miscommunication about some paperwork, and you know me,stickler for the job, just wanted to make sure that everything goes smoothly! (She looks at Marianne.)

Marianne: (sensing how important this is) Yes sir! Just a minor problem.

Eric: (now looking satisfied; whatever Helen's problem is, he's sure that she's got it locked down) All right then; Helen, if you've got a minute, I need to talk to you about the Barrytron case. (Helen hurries over to the door, the camera panning around to watch the two walk out of the office door, Eric still talking.) Now, this thing with their motto; what exactly is "Goodbye Blue Monday!"? ⁴

(As Helen answers, the sound fades and the camera pansaround to focus on Marianne again, still standing right where Helen had verbally nailed her feet to the floor. Now that both of her superiors are gone, she relaxes somewhat, and goes over to her desk, dropping the files on her desk. She then turns on her heel and walks over to Helen's desk, the camera following her, and heads to the stage-right-hand-side corner, where there's an impressive amount of piled-up papers stacked. She goes to this pile, blocking it from our view, but from her movements and the sound of rustling, it's obvious that she's trying to dig something out of the pile. After a few more moments of struggle, she manages to pull something out; the camera moves around to show what it is. It's a thick FedEx package; the camera focuses on the address label showing that the package is marked with Helen's name, the firm's address and, in very large letters, the word URGENT, in red ink no less.)

(Shot cuts to the outside of Jane's house, then cuts again to the interior. Music: "When I Come Around", Green Day. Mike, Jane and Daria are sitting around the kitchen table, each with a can of soda; that they've been barring the door is evidenced by the fact that Mike has a claw hammer in the hand not wrapped around the soda can. Jane puts her can down, and looks over at Mike.)

Jane: So, are we safe from marauding hoards of capitalists busting down our door?

(Mike nods)

Daria: I didn't know you could do that many things with wood chips. Are you sure it's going to work?

Mike: (putting his can down with a confidant thump) You bet! It may not look like much, but those fragments will hold that door closed against a great deal of force.

Daria: (skeptically) Let me guess; something you learned on the road?

(Again, Mike nods)

Mike: Uh-huh. (bt) I like that one because it requires so few resources to do properly, and can keep quite a few people out for quite... (Trent walks past, not noticing the group) ...some... (Jesse walks by, carrying his guitar) ...time... (Nick and Max walk by arguing) ... (looks sheepishly over at Jane and Daria, both of whom have an eyebrow raised, as if to say "Oh yeah?") Well, it works MOST of the time, anyway. (neither girl changes her expression; Mike sighs and gets up; resignedly) All right, all right, I'll redo it.

(They smirk at this, and get up to help him, as he trudges OS)

Jane: (calling after him) OK, but this time we use the two-by-fours!

(There's a faint "Yeah, yeah." from OS)

(The camera switches to an outside shot again, and begins to pull out; suddenly, Mike's voice is heard VO, and the camera stops)

Mike: Hey Daria, there was something I had to talk to you about –

(Screen-wipe to black; roll credits! Music: "Toys in the Attic", Aerosmith.)

ALTER EGOS:

Jane as a geisha
Mack as a Roman gladiator
Daria as Faith, the rogue Slayer
Quinn as a 50's diner waitress
O'Neill as Elmo
Jake as Zorro
Helen as Vampirella
Ms. Barch as Auntie Entity from Thunderdome
Mike as Luigi Mario
Mystic Spiral as Kiss
Ms. Li as a Roman senator
Kevin as Frodo Baggins

Notes:

(1) Jane's nightmare, from "Esteemers"

(2) Daria's opinion of meeting the student body via the auditorium from "Esteemers". Appropriate,really. ^_^

(3) The "...we've fought the urge to regurgitate..." line is from "Angel". Man, I'm just a quoting machine! ^_^

(4) OK, I admit this was a little more obscure. This is from a novel by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., called "Breakfast of Champions". Try it, you might just like it!

Author's Legal Ramble:
The character of Mike March is owned by yours truly. All the other characters are property of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis, MTV, Viacom, and whoever else. Please don't sue me, I've got enough problems as it is! ^_~

Author's Regular Ramble:
Well, the first episode is done! I'd like to thank my beta-readers: CB, NomadX, Thea Zara, LawndaleStalker, Brother Grimace, Steven Galloway, Roger E. Moore, and Crusading Saint. I thank you all for your support, and your helpful and most of all constructive criticism. I'd also like to thank CB for her invaluable help with coding this into a decent-looking HTML piece. Thanks!

Lastly, thank you to anyone reading this. If you liked it, cool! Hopefully the next one won't be that far behind. If you didn't well, I can't make everyone happy, please don't send me flames, and hopefully things will improve over time! ^_^