Recap: Kain's computer (Decided to call itself Sally) decided
it wanted to copy all its data into a clone of her choice. While all this
was being done, Kain introduced a Virtual Reality system to Lawndale High.
All was going great until someone from the outside logged on and uploaded
a virus that triggered a riot among the students. After witnessing the behavior
afterward, Kain reinvented the program to allow students to kill each other
over an enclosed arena. Quinn challenged Daria to a one-on-one, Daria accepted,
and blew Quinn's head off (With a sawed-off shotgun). Daria was permitted
to join the current battle royale in a different arena with all the others.
Kain was to wrestle the football team back-to-back in one match. Kain still
won, but he managed to patch it up with Mack. Quinn has been trying to sneak
into Kain's estate, but keeps getting scared off by Kain's defenses, so Quinn
asks her dates to "Go kill it". As of today, five men have met a sudden end
to an unknown monster guarding Kain's home.
Kain fears she may try to alert the media. Or at least her parents. Clone
#1 was last reported to have embezzled twenty-six billion dollars through
a high-executive businessman. Kain is still preparing for a covert operation
to have him destroyed.
Scene 1: Where we left off. Kain is about to introduce Sally.
Kain: (Opening the door to the Cloning Room) Daria, meet Sally.
Daria: (In total shock and surprise) S-sh-she lo-looks like m-me!!
(Sally is an older, black-long haired version of Daria. She wears shades that cover her entire eyes. And a dark-green trenchcoat. No skirt, just black jeans. Black shirt of Quinn on a police sketch, "Wanted Dead or alive, preferrably dead!". Sally is a little more open with her wisecracks.)
Sally: It's good to meet you, finally.
Daria: Why me?!
Sally: Kain didn't get a good interpretation of what I said. I said an OLDER version of the clone of my choice. But the reason I chose you was because I wanted to look normal. You wouldn't have liked it if I looked like Quinn, would you?
Daria: I see your point. But why didn't you get the others here too?
Kain: It just felt like only you needed to know at the moment. I'll tell everyone when the time is right.
Daria: Can I go back to bed now?
Kain: Right this way, just step in here. (Kain leads Daria in a small chamber) Just press the button inside.
(Daria falls asleep after pressing the button. A minute later, she steps out.)
Daria: Sorry, I must've dozed off in there.
Kain: That's why it's there. It's a special chamber where you can have a full ten-hour rest in one minute.
Sally: My idea. It's called the Emertron.
Daria: You mean it's only........
Kain: It's 2:17 a.m.
Daria: Dammit, Kain! What were you thinking?!
Kain: I'm thinking you would've fallen asleep in the rocket sled on the way back.
Sally: Ten bucks says she wouldn't have made it to the sled.
Daria (Thinking): She even makes wisecracks like me.
(They talk for hours. Morning comes, and Daria decides to take another snooze in the Emertron. Daria quickly heads back to her place, luckily, nobody's up yet. Daria decides to get an early breakfast, when everyone else comes downstairs.)
Scene 2: The Lane front yard. A Friday afternoon, A week and a half later. Daria hasn't said a word about which clone Sally is of. All she said was "She's ok". Everyone is there, except Kain, who is on a cellular speakerphone recently installed in the Tank.
Jesse: I just heard the greatest thing this morning.
Trent: What?
Jesse: Since the Alternapalooza concert had record ticket sales last year, they decided to double the amount of space this year. And guess what? We're going to go again!
Daria: Remember what happened last year? The Tank didn't make it.
Reuben: I had it worked on last Tuesday. It's working fine now.
Michael: Could it fit all of us?
Reuben: Doubtful.
Kain: That shouldn't be. Why don't you all ride with me? It's a lot more roomy.
Jane: I've seen it.
Mara: How big is it?
Jane: It's a little taller than the Tank. And it's the length of a stretched-limo.
Kain: Why don't we all get a headstart and leave this evening? We could sell counterfeit Alternapalooza T-Shirts to passerby's.
Jesse: I'm all for it.
Michael: Me too.
Jane: I'm in.
Daria: Just give me a few minutes to tell mom and dad.
Kain: I could call back in a few minutes. Bye. (CLICK)
(After dialing her house, Quinn answers)
Quinn: Hello?
Daria: Could you get mom for me?
Quinn: Sorry daria. I'm in the middle of an important call. Bye! (CLICK)
Daria: Important my ass.
Jane: You gotta expect that from a sister who obsesses with boys.
Daria: Pretty much. I'm sure I can still ask Mom later.
Trent: You might not have to wait that long.
Daria: Huh? (Kain's mega-van pulls up, you can hear "Thrust!" by White Zombie from the stereo inside. Bonnie, another Quinn clone, signals the troop.)
Mara: That's even bigger than a stretched-limo!
Bonnie: Need a lift? Kain's inside.
(The gang exchange looks, then gets in. The inside looks bigger than the outside {Maybe it's a TARDIS on wheels.}. It has a few couches lining the sides. An air hockey table in the middle, and a pair of Emertrons in the back. A TV behind both of the front seats, complete with VCR, and CD/DVD player. Everyone is shocked to see Sally in with Kain. Though they don't know that's Sally, they do see a vague resemblence.)
Kain: Hi guys. This is Sally. Sally, this is Jane, that's Reuben, Jesse, Michael, Mara, Trent, and you already know Daria.
Sally: Hi.
(Half says Hi, the other half says hey.)
Kain: I decided to just come over instead of calling back.
Sally: Sorry we're early.
Jane: Y-you look just like.......
Sally: I know, maybe we're related or something.
Kain: Bonnie, the Morgandorffer's please.
Bonnie: Yes sir.
Trent: You have a driver?
Kain: One of the four Quinn clones drives, one's a cook, and the other two clean. Neat, huh?
Reuben: You must be living the good life.
Kain: What can I say, it beats having to really work.
Jesse: I wouldn't mind going anywhere in this.
Sally: My idea.
Michael: YOU built this?
Sally: It took about three months to come up with the design specs alone. But with all the special equipment we had, we were able to build it in two weeks.
Daria: Where do you get the money and the material for these things?
Kain: I made a few self-help books a while back. Now I'm a freelance special effects artist. I use that brainwave camera that I showed you last week to make any effect. 'Brings in a lot of money a month alone. I usually make about three billion a year. (Everyone gasps) Now, buying the metal direct from the factories is surprisingly cheap. But if you alter the metal properly, you have an almost indestructable-weather resistant-suspiciously light sheetmetal to make the best cars, truck, and in this case, vans.
Trent: Wow.
(They reach the Morgandorffer house. Quinn happens to be looking out the window when the mega-van pulls up.)
Quinn: You're not going to believe this, but the biggest truck just pulled up to my house. HEY!! The driver looks like me!!!! I gotta check this out! Bye! (CLICK)
(Everyone goes in and has a seat in the living room. As Daria turns on the TV, Quinn comes down the stairs.)
Quinn: Does mom and dad know you're here.
Daria: They would have if you didn't hog the phone all day.
Quinn: It was an emergancy!
Sally: Yeah, RIGHT! Why don't you just go back to your pittiful little life of looking cute as a button, kay?
Quinn: Who do you think you are?!
Sally: (She walks up to Quinn and removes the glasses.) You've got some nerve, bitch.
Quinn: You look just like.....
Sally: Can it! We're calling the shots now! And stop trying to sneak into our house you little......
Quinn: Your house?!!
Sally: Yeah! Perhaps we haven't been formerly introduced. I'm Sally, Kain's Girlfriend! Five people died because of you! Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill YOU right now.
(Quinn runs upstairs, screaming in terror. Sally sits back down, next to Kain.)
TV: Are Mr. And Mrs. Claus really married? Scandals at the North Pole, next on Sick Sad World!
Michael: NOW they decide to tell us.
TV: We interupt your regular broadcast for this special report!
Kain: Here we go. (As if he's expecting it.)
(The reporter is standing behind a trashed street.)
Reporter: New York, only a few minutes ago an army of criminals swept this entire boulevard clean of everything valuable. Even human lives. Approximently seventy-nine policemen were killed in the massacure. Officials speculate it was the vile terrorist group known only as Kain.
Kain: Dammit!! Sally, how long is it going to take?
Sally: I need another week to complete the blueprints. Then we're really in business.
(Helen and Jake enter)
Daria: Hi, I hope you don't mind. I brought some friends over.
Helen: That's not a problem. What I want to know is WHO owns that giant van up front?!
Kain: That would be me, Mrs. Morgandorffer.
Helen: Oh.
Daria: Would you mind if I went with them to the Alternapalooza concert? Kain's paying for everything.
Sally: We decided we should get an early headstart and leave this evening.
Jake: Sounds like a plan.
Helen: Hmmm. Where will you be staying?
Kain: My chauffer and I will be taking turns driving, so it'll be a non-stop trip.
Helen: Ok. You can go.
Jake: (Looks at Sally) You look just like......
Sally: I get that a lot.
Jesse: It's the shoes. It's gotta be the shoes. (Everyone laughs except Helen and Jake who obviously don't get it.)
(Everyone leaves and hops in the Mega-Van. They now head for the Alternapalooza Festival. Kain goes to a shelf between the two front seats, there's a treasure trove of Heavy Metal/Grunge/Hard Rock/Ray Stevens{?} CDs. On another shelf, some old Videotapes of MTV's Headbanger's Ball, Pro-Wrestling Pay-Per-Views, SNL, and Ultimate Fighting.)
Kain: I even have the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition on DVD. (Everyone oohs and ahhhs.)
Jane: Does this van have a satellite dish?
Kain: Yup. (He takes out a remote control, and punches a few buttons. Sick Sad World is on.)
TV: Is the king of Sweden using his penis as a radio transmitter? Are you nuts?!
Daria: I didn't think so.
Michael: You don't know that. He could be using it to send anti-semetic (Is this joke right?) lesbian meat recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish.
Sally: You deserve your own radio show.
All: Hear hear!
Scene 3: A while later, they pull up to a "Burger Hell", "Orion" by Metallica is playing. They had to take up two parking spaces due to the MV's size. Everyone goes in. Trent decides to get everyone's food. At one table: Daria, Jane, Mara, and Bonnie. At another table: Trent, Jesse, Reuben, and Michael. At the third: Kain and Sally. All are sitting at window tables.
Trent: (Thumbs toward the girls.) I wonder what they're talking about?
Reuben: You mean, what Daria's talking about? OW!
Michael: So what band's are going to be at the festival?
Jesse: I didn't have enough time to see. I just know the festival's going to last a full two days.
Mara: I just don't get it, Daria. Why don't you ever say anything to him?
Daria: It's just never the right time.
Bonnie: You have to make the best out of every situation.
Jane: The best thing to do is to make the time.
Daria: Look, I don't feel like it right now.
Jane: How much longer are you going to do this? What if Trent decides to give up on you because you didn't say anything?
Daria: Alright, I'll give it a shot.
Reuben: C'mon, Trent. Some people would kill for a girl like Daria, and you're holding back.
Jesse: Yeah, man. It just doesn't make sense. Every time you've played a gig you never put any feeling into your music. Now, Daria comes along, and all of a sudden you're doing a lot better. Mystic Spiral's being recognized by a lot more people, we're even doing paying gigs. And it's all because of one girl.
Michael: Sure, she's not an ordinary girl. But who is these days? You gotta tell her.
Trent: Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot. Just give me some time this weekend.
Reuben: Now that's more like it!
Kain: Just listen to those two tables. 'Think we should add ourselves to the Yenta pool?
Sally: They need it. They're getting nowhere with D and T.
Kain: Hmm, how're we going to pull this off?
Daria: I was just wondering something. About Sally.
Jane: Really, what?
Daria: Kain said that his dad transfered his data into the computer with a personality.
Mara: I get it. His dad meant for Kain to be happy. So he made an equal.
Bonnie: That could be it.
Trent: Was any of you shocked to see Sally's resemblance to you-know-who?
Michael: Yeah. 'Makes you wonder, doesen't it?
Jesse: All she needed was a body. And she chose her.
Reuben: Yeah. Very complex, don't you think?
(Out of nowhere, someone appears from outside and takes a picture of the three tables.)
Daria: What the hell?!
Kain: (Calm tone) I'll take care of this.
(Kain walks out the door, goes around the corner. The guy is gone. Kain looks around a few times, then grabs him from behind a dumpster. Kain has the guy's collar in one hand, a sawed-off-to-pistol-size shotgun in the other, aimed at the guy's head.)
Kain: I know what you're up to. And I know who you're working for. So tell me, why should I give a shit about the health and welfare of scum like you? I could just blow your fuckin' head right now. But I'm offering you a choice: give me your film and never do this again, or else.
Guy: Fuck you!
Kain: Suit yourself.
(Cut to: the girls' table.)
Jane: I wonder what he's doing? (They hear a squish, along with a thump.)
Mara: (Covering her mouth, and speaking silently.) Ohmygod!
Jesse: This is getting freaky.
Trent: Who is this guy?!!
(Kain walks back in, hands Michael a roll of film, a wallet, and a modified beeper that can fire shotgun shells.)
Kain: (Whispers to Michael) He knows we're here. So we gotta go. (Normal voice.) Okay guys we're outta here!
(When they get in the MV, Daria asks......)
Daria: What did you do?!
Kain: I had to do it. I had to stop their surveilance. That must've been the same guy. Bonnie, onward to the festival!
Bonnie: Y-yes sir.
(After they calm down. Kain breaks the silence.)
Kain: It's getting closer and closer to crunch time.
Michael: What will happen then?
Kain: Your guess is as good as mine.
(A few hours pass {3:37 am, Saturday Morning}, Kain takes over the wheel. Trent, Jane, and Bonnie each have used the Emertron. Everyone is still, in a way, too shaken up to sleep. Daria decides to pop in a CD.)
Daria (Thinking): Faith No More. 'Haven't heard them in a long time. (She decides to put in "Angel Dust".)
Kain: (Noticing the CD) Track No. 3. It's a good one.
(Daria take his word for it and plays "Mid Life Crisis". The song plays while they drive for five minutes of silent conversation. Sally beats Mara in Air Hockey. )
Mara: Damn. (Michael laughs) It's not funny!
Sally: That's the fourth in a row. I think it's funny.
Bonnie: No it's not.
Jesse: You're right, it's not. It's hilarious! (Everyone does a poor job at keeping a straight face.)
(Later. {4:26 a.m.}Daria, Michael, Mara, Jesse, Reuben, and Sally each take a rest in the Emertron. Kain is still driving. )
Daria: Maybe you should take a break.
Kain: No, I can't.
Daria: Please. You need to. You've been up for an entire day.
Kain: No, seventy hours, and thirty-nine minutes.
Jane: All the more reason to take a nap.
Sally: C'mon Kain. Just pull over and let Bonnie take over.
Kain: (pauses for a few seconds) Okay.
(Kain does just that. And finally takes a rest in the Emertron. He makes a few altercations before getting in. A timer appears above the chamber.)
Daria: What's that?
Sally: That's how long he's going to be in there. It's been a week since he's ever taken a rest.
Jane: Why does he torture himself like this?
Sally: He's never had the responsibility of protecting other people before. He's scared to death that the second he let's his guard down, Clone #1's going to kill him, and everyone he holds dear, even best friends. That's why he has all those defenses around the house. He's not willing to let other people suffer because of him.
Trent: If he keeps this up, he'll destroy himself.
Sally: He doesn't care about his well-being. Only yours.
Michael: Is he that scared?
Sally: Clone #1's tried the murder attempt before. Kain managed to beat him and his goons. Kain knew they'd try again sooner or later. He hasn't yet, but Kain still sleeps with one eye open.
Reuben: How much sleep is Kain getting right now?
Sally: Around 144 hours of sleep. He rarely stops to rest.
(They look at the timer, it reads 27:38 {Min:Sec}.)
Scene 4: The Alternapalooza festival. 8:35 a.m., Saturday Morning. Kain meant every word when he said he was going to set up shop and sell T-Shirts. But he didn't say how long. He bought tickets for the entire two-day show for everybody. Showtime starts at 10:30.
(They managed to make around $750 from the T-Shirts they sold before the gates opened. Then they closed down the shop, and proceded to the festival. Collective Soul was the first act. Then Greenday followed. Everyone sort of paired off. Kain with Sally, Jane with Reuben, Trent with Bonnie, Michael with Mara, Daria and Trent. Daria's not too happy about this.)
(12:09 p.m. Stone Temple Pilots are performing with "Sin".)
Kain: Stone Temple Pilots was always my favorite Alternative group.
Sally: Better than Nirvana?
Kain: Grunge is a little bit different.
Michael: Why are they using lighting systems? It's noon, for god's sake!
Mara: Please.
Trent: I'm going to make it my mission to someday grace that stage with Mystic Spiral.
Daria: It couldn't hurt.
(Jane and Reuben are not too far from Daria and Trent, they're being spied on. They don't notice.)
Jane: Why aren't they doing anything?!
Reuben: Patience, Janey. Patience. Trent gave me his word.
Jane: Daria gave me her word. Maybe they're waiting for the right occasion.
(3:45 p.m. The day so far went uneventful for Daria and Trent. Jane is very, very determined to set the two up. Jesse and Bonnie have been making out for the past two hours in the MV. No one will know except you and me {And me, he he he.}. Metallica is onstage playing "2x4".).
Kain: 'Wish Soundgarden was playing here.
Sally: Yeah. Why'd they break up anyway?
(6:00 on the dot. Gin Blossoms are onstage playing "Cajun Song".)
Trent: Very moving.
Daria: Indeed.
Trent: You know, Daria. You're a pretty cool friend.
Daria: Yeah, I just wish we made it last year.
Trent: There's something that I've been meaning to tell you since that time.
Daria: Really?
Trent: Yeah. I just don't know how to place the words.
Daria: Just say what you feel like saying.
Trent: (Pauses for a second) Ok. Daria, I lo-
(Suddenly, he feels a gun at the back of his head. Daria is shocked.)
Voice: Just come quietly and no one will get hurt.
Trent: Wh-
Voice: I said quiet.
Jane: (angry) Hey! Did you see that?!
Reuben: Yup.
Jane: Let's follow them!
Kain: (Squinting his eyes) Uh-oh.
Sally: What's wrong?
Kain: We have a problem.
Sally: How do you know?
Kain: Remember that injection I took that would enhance my vision?
Sally: Yeah.
Kain: I see Daria and Trent being led off by on of Clone #1's thugs, with a gun. I gotta do something.
(The gunman leads them into a corner, by some trees. Away from the mass public.)
Trent: Who are you?
Gunman: We have been observing you and your friends for the past two weeks. Kain is an exile, and will remain an exile from society. Even if that means eliminating his friends. I've been sent to send your buddy a message in blood, not to interferre with us.
Daria: Why us? Why do you have to kill us?!!
Gunman: Why not?
(Kain leaps onto the gunman from the trees, he fires at Kain, but Kain has on some sort of personal energy shield.)
Kain: When will you learn?
Gunman: I've learned plenty since our last visit. (Grabs Daria and points at her head.) I've been paid a bundle to kill just one of you. Now say goodnight, you little bitch!
(Jane kicks the gun out of the guy's hand from behind. Reuben takes him down. Jane grabs the gunman's neck and gets in his face.)
Jane: Don't you ever call my friend a bitch! You hear me?! (She slaps him. She prepares to do it again when she falls over, holding her head in pain.)
Reuben: Jane! 'You okay? (Suddenly, Reuben buckles over and falls to one knee, holding his stomach.)
Voice: Kain, you miserable fool. We already have you in our grasp. We just need to squeeze. (Jane and Reuben's pain intensifies.) Crush the very fabric of your sanity. And then, it'll be over for you and your new-found friends. Let's go, Jason. Our work here is done.
Jason: (getting up) It's only a matter of time, Kain. You might as well say your prayers now. (They leave.)
Kain: Daria, Trent, go get the others and head for the Mega-Van. We won't be able to stay for the rest of the festival. I'll help Jane and Reuben.
Trent: Who were those two?
Kain: I'll explain when we're in the van.
Daria: C'mon, let's go.
(6:19 p.m. Trent and Daria manage to find Michael and Mara.)
Michael: So, having fun?
Daria: Actually, no. I just wanted to tell you th-
(Someone else appears out of the crowd holding a gun.)
2nd Gunman: Well, well, well. If it isn't the elusive son of superspy James Andrews. I hear there's a black-market bounty on your head. Looks like I'm getting the Seven-hundred and fifty thou after all.
(While he isn't looking, Daria copies Jane's move and kicks the gun out of the guy's hand. They run, fast.)
Scene 5: 6:32 p.m. They find Jesse and Bonnie and head back to the MV. When they drive off, Michael begins to ask......
Michael: What the hell's going on?!!?
Kain: That was Jason Wesker. A top-notch bounty hunter. The other guy is Shawn Nicholas, I remember dad saying something about him being an experimental guinea pig in Government research. He's a telekinetic, capable of inflicting massive internal bleeding within the three major organs: the Brain, the stomach, and the heart, all by using his mind.
Sally: These guys are serious. We have to get home and hide out for a while.
Kain: School may have to be cancelled for a few days.
Jane: Alright!
Trent (Whispering to Daria): Daria, I.....
Daria (Whispering to Trent): Shh. (Holds his hand for a sec.)
Mara: Why is he hunting you down now? Why didn't he do it long ago?
Kain: He did, once. I left the house and started working. He found out and sent some thugs in on me. The place was wrecked. My boss thought my being there would jeopadize the lives of others, so he let me go. This is his way of keeping me cut off from the outside world. His way of controlling my every move. If he doesn't like what he sees of me, I'm to pay dearly.
Michael: Bastard...
Kain: Exactly. That's why I'm planning a counter-offensive. I'm sick of this guy running my life.
(9:23 p.m. Everyone's napping except Bonnie, Kain, and Sally.)
Kain: These lives are in my hands. So why do I feel like I'm failing them?
Sally: I don't know. (Holds his hand.) But what's done is done. They're still breathing, so you're doing something right.
Kain: You're right, as always. (Pauses for a few seconds) What can I say? You've always been there for me.
Sally: We've been there for each other.
(Suddenly, the van sverves back and forth, you can hear hooting and hollaring outside, with the sound of motorcycles.)
Bonnie: Sir, there's a bunch of creepy guys on Harleys hitting the van with pipes and bats!
Kain: There's no rest for the weary.
Sally: What are you going to do?
Kain: If they're after me, there's nothing else to do but take them out.
Sally: Couldn't the van do that?!
Kain: Yeah, but where's the fun in that?
(Kain opens a panel that reveals a ladder to the sunroof. He goes up to the top, and leaps onto one of the bikers, kicking him off. Kain pulls out some sort of Lightsaber {I guess he was inspired}, and starts slashing at the other bikers. Since the frequency of the saber is low, it's only going to stun the target, so the bikers keep coming back. Kain turns a few knobs on the handle, the saber turns a dark red glow. Kain starts decapitating the other bikers, literally. Kain rides up to the side door and opens it. Somehow, he manages to get the cycle inside while the motor's still running.)
Kain: I always wanted one of these.
Sally: Who hasn't?
Scene 6: 2:19 a.m. Sunday Morning. They finally reached Lawndale with no more interuptions. They decided to crash at Kain's. Everyone's kicking back in front of the 80'6 inch TV{Damn!!}. They decide to watch a replay of last night's Sick Sad World.
TV: Are the Japanese obsessed with Video Games? Find out, next on Sick Sad World!
Kain: Duh. There's thousands of video games on the planet, and they have goofy characters with giant eyes and ridiculous background music. Where do you think they came from?!
Daria: A membrane from another reality?
Sally: No, that's politicians.
Jesse: I thought politicians came from Uranus.
Jane: No, that's shit.
Michael: You're both right. (Kain bursts with laughter.)
Reuben: What's so funny?
Kain: Don't you get it?! These days, politicians sound like they're from another planet. Which planet? Someone says "URANUS!!". Politicians are also total shit. (Should I finish this joke?! No Daria Website's ready for this!!)
TV: We interupt your regular broadcast for this special report.
Anchorman: Just a few hours ago, the Terrorist organization known only as Kain crashed the Alternapalooza Festival. Witnesses say a group of heavy-weapons thugs came onstage and demanded the crowd hand over a group of teenagers to them in only fifteen seconds time.....
Kain: That's impossible!
Anchorman: .......or they would "clean the area of all life". Their demands were unmet, and I believe ....... someone ..... managed to ..... videotape the carnage. This videotape was released to us only fifteen minutes ago. Let's go to the ..... tape. However I warn those viewers, even this late at night, this is not for the faint of heart.
(The group whips out bazookas and fires at the crowd, while others keep the security at bay. Very graphic. Chunks of body parts are flying everywhere from the blasts. The cameraman runs like hell. You can still see the camera rolling, as the guy makes for the exit. He turns around and continues to record. The entire festival is in flames, and a pair of helecopters head for the stage.)
Anchorman: Our condolances go out to the families of those who died at the festival.
Co-Anchor: In a way, I'm glad someone broke the rules to get this. When we recieved this footage, the guy was scared to death. He was bruised, probably from tripping and falling several times. We will not give out his name, for purposes of identity-protection. Because of this incident, the rest of the Alternapalooza festival tour has been cancelled.
Anchorman: As long as this group of cutthroats roam free, and this is my personal opinion, I suggest for you, the viewers, never to leave the house to any public event. If they would attack a helpless crowd at an outdoor concert, who knows where they'll strike next?!
Co-Anchor: I wish I could answer that. Just look at the places they levelled, destroyed, and trashed, a local Senate hearing, a stadium during an NFL game, a New York Boulevard, a crater of what's left of a local suburb, and now the Alternapalooza Festival. These attacks are totally random, and unpredictable. I'm afraid it wouldn't help to stay in your homes.
Anchorman: As always, we will keep you updated as this crisis continues.
TV: This has been a special report. And now we return you to your regularly-scheduled program, already in progress. (Cuts to a commercial.)
Kain: He knew we were long gone! It was just an excuse for a massive MDK. He's demonstrating his "Power"!
Sally: Don't worry, we'll get him.
Kain: "Don't worry." "DON'T WORRY!!!!" The guy's a fuckin' psycho!!!! The worst part is, I made that lunatic!! I gave him life! (Shouting) HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING STUPID??!!!?!
(Kain tries to cover his eyes and buckles over in his recliner. Kain is in tears.)
Michael: Are you alright, Kain?
Kain: NO!! I'M NOT ALRIGHT!! I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!!! Because of me, millions of people, people with families, even entire families die almost every day. What's even worse is that, what if members of your families are among them?! This is killing me every day. I thought this damn chip was supposed to make me smarter, yet I do the dumbest thing, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sally: (To everybody else, who look very, very concerned.) Do you all want to stay the night? I don't think Kain's going to be able to drive you home.
Daria: I don't think it's going to matter. As soon as Mom and Dad see that broadcast tomorrow morning, they're going to think this guy is the deadly mastermind. And assume I'm already dead.
Trent: How do we know they haven't already?!
Kain: I'm glad my life in the local public eye will be over tomorrow morning.
Jane: What?!
Mara: You're resigning as principal?!!
Kain: Tomorrow morning, you shall see the truth. (He walks out of the room, still in tears.)
Reuben: Sally, do you know what he's talking about?
Sally: Kain feels he shouldn't reveal any big secret until he feels it's the proper time. I respect his wishes on that. But I can't respect his feelings, he looks like he wants to give up.
Jane: What do you think is going to happen? To us, anyway.
Sally: The student body may look and act dumb, but they're not stupid. They're going to find out sooner or later. They're going to put two-and-two together, and seeing as how your mom and dad are both lawyers, they'll have the entire town coming with torches.
Daria: I see a resemblance here.
Sally: Yes, Kain's been risking his neck just being out in public. Soon he won't have to worry anymore. I'm going to try to help Kain through this. There's a few guest rooms over there (points to a door by the Lab stairs. Afterwards, she heads upstairs.)
Michael: Now I'm getting scared.
Jesse: Wow, that's a first.
Scene 7: Lawndale High, Monday Morning. Kain, Michael, Mara, Jane, and Daria are all in the principal's office.
Kain: I called this little meeting to offer you my thanks for your support. Here, I want you to take these. (He offers each of them a roll of paper and a plaque.)
Daria: What's this?!
Kain: You deserve it. I'm graduating you all two years early. Plus, it'll keep you-know-who from spying on all of you. Make sure you hide those until you get home.
Phone: (BBRINGGGGGG!!!)
Kain: (Puts on speaker) Yes?
Phone: Mr. Kain? Angela is on her way.
Kain: Thank you. (CLICK) Hide the grad shit, quick! (They do it in confusion)
Jane: Why? What's the rush?
Kain: You'll find out in a sec.
(The door opens, and in walks Angela Li, former principal.)
Li: Hello, Kain. How's our student principal doing today?
All: STUDENT PRINCIPAL?!?!
Kain: Explaination time!
(Cut to: Flashback sequence of Kain's first day {"More than Anyone can Take"}, Mrs. Barch's class. )
Kain: ......Don't applaud, just throw money. (Everyone applauds anyway, Daria and Jane actually stand up to join in on the fun. Jane hoots and hollars. ) I love my life.
Intercom: Would a ...... Kain ....... please come to my office, please?
Kain: Wow, only ten minutes and I'm already sent to the principal, I LOVE MY LIFE!!
(A few minutes later, Kain arrives at Mrs. Li's office. Mrs. Li looks at a few student folders.)
Li: Oh hi, Kain. That is your full name, isn't it?
Kain: (Sitting down) Yup. Scary, ain't it?
Li: Uh, no. (Phone rings) Hello? Dammit! I told you to get that set of skylights fixed! Oh, alright! Fine. Yeah. Uh huh. (CLICK) Dammit!!!
Kain: Trouble in the high command?
Li: What do you care?!
Kain: I'd care enough to pay for my own skylights if I was principal.
Li: What?!
Kain: I'm not stupid, I could hear the guy on the phone.
Li: Oh really (In a sinister tone). Well, let's see if you're up to the challenge, Mr. Confident.
Kain: Huh?
Li: You think you can hold up an entire school full of hoodlums ready to feast on your rotting carcass like vultures?!!
Kain: I know I can do better than you.
Li: We'll see. When would you like to start?
Kain: How about now?
Li: I'll bet that you couldn't last one month as principal.
Kain: One month? Is that all?
(End Flashback)
Kain: Angela and I struck a deal stating if I could keep the school standing for one month, she would grant me a diploma. A quick graduation.
Li: And he passed with flying colors. But tell me Kain, how did you do it?
Kain: I know what students want. I know how they think, act, and feel. I made them happy enough to actually study for a change. I even saw a change in Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor's grades, they actually went up to B's.
Li: I am most impressed.
Kain: I kinda figured you would be. I'm sorry to say guys, that Mrs. Li is resuming her duties at noon. I'm giving the school an assembly before lunch stating just that.
(Later, before lunch. At the auditorium.)
Kain: I don't know what you might have heard about me over the last few weeks or so. But I'm going to put some rumors to rest. I'm taking questions from you now. (Everyone raises their hands.) You, over there.
Jeffy: Was there really six Quinns roaming the school a few weeks ago?
Kain: It seemed like the fashion club woted it to be "Quinn Day", as told by the fashion club majority. Any more? You, with the black hair.
Joey: Is it true you're a terrorist? (Some gasp at the question)
Kain: The rumor is false. If I was, would I be here right now? I'd probably be killing some famous congress guy, or something. Any more? You, with the puffy red hair.
Upchuck: Is it true that Mrs. Li is going to be the principal again?
Kain: I'm surprised you found something decent to say for once, Charles. Yes, Mrs. Angela Li will be taking over as principal, effective 1:00 after lunch. I was just a student principal, a victim of a bizarre project to teach responsibility to students. I don't know why I was chosen. Any more questions? You, the president of the new fashion club.
Girl: (The blonde from "The Invitation") What's going to happen to all the events you started, the VR Program? The pro-wrestling ring? Those neat desks with all the music necessities of life?
Kain: I can see why they made you president. You've obviously lost it. As for the extra-curricular activities she mentioned, if Mrs. Li is as tyrannical as ever over her students, she will definitely have them cancelled. (Everyone boos at the "L" sound of cancelled.) Yeah, I know, It's going to be hell. I have time for one more question. You, over there.
Jodie: Weren't you a student when you started a month ago? (People talk amongst themselves loudly.)
Kain: It's true. It connects to when I became student principal. It happened in the very first twenty minutes. What can I say? I was lucky. I'm sure, someday, one of you will be doing this. However, I doubt you'll ever do it as well as I did. It's impossible to do something like this without the moral support of your best friends. I met these guys when I first started a month ago. Could you come up to the stage please?
(People gasp at the sight of Daria, Jane, and Michael coming up to the stage. Mara was in the can, so she missed it.)
Fashion Club President: Isn't that Quinn's cousin and her weird friends?
Kain: (Moving to Michael) First, Michael Andrews. People, this guy knows a lot about military weapons and protocol. I'm sure soon, you'll be wanting this guy to tutor you on this kind of stuff before a big test. (Moves to Jane) Jane Lane. If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have the great Mystic Spiral performing for the school when they wouldn't want to be caught dead here again. Jane is also a very talented artist, expect a lot of great stuff out of her in the near future. (Moving to Daria) And last but not least, Daria Morgandorffer. You really, REALLY, got the wrong idea about this one. This girl is not a misery chick! She has thoughts and feelings as well. Oh yeah, I might as well tell you. Daria and Quinn are in fact related by blood. (Everyone gasps and talks amungst themselves.)
(Daria walks up to the podium.)
Daria: Yeah, that's like the big secret. Quinn is really embarassed because of how different I am. Why are you people so obsessed with being popular? It's so ridiculous! Everyone's struggling to be even more attractive and popular, and you're getting nowhere in life! Give me a fucking break! You people are the most pathetic, worthless excuses of life ever to walk the earth. Because of this guy, some of you actually became human beings. But when he leaves, by tomorrow morning, you will be back to your usual, ditzy, dimwitted old-selves, as if the entire month never happened! Mom didn't want me to see this place as another Highland High, but IT'S JUST AS BAD!!! How can any sane person go one month without losing it is beyond me. But Kain somehow did it. And that makes him special. This guy has helped the three of us through really bad situations. Things we would have had to give up on a long time ago. Friends stick together, forever.
(Quinn bursts from her seat and screams out......)
Quinn: How would you know about friends? You don't have real friends.
Daria: Apparently, my idiot sister was too busy looking cute as a button to even listen to me.
Quinn: This is my life! It's what I do for a living!
Daria: As you all probably know, three guys that's I've dubbed "Quinn's Entourage" has been following Quinn around like she was a goddess or something. Stand up. (The three stand up) Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie......
Jamie: Hey! You got it!
Daria: Enjoy it while you can, Jamie. Because no one's ever remembered your name, and they probably never will. Quinn is always rejecting them every time they ask her out on dates. But she doesn't mind letting them buying her whatever she wanted. Guys, she's using you. She's never going to ask you out. And she's always going to you to use as free slaves. She's not worth it.
Jeffy: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) Your sister's right. What are we to you? Your chauffers? Your meal tickets? You think we're made of money?!
Quinn: No, it's just......
Joey: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) You never gave any of us a chance. You ask out other people in front of us. And you let us fight each other over you at a party! Your sister's right, you ARE pathetic!
(Quinn gasps)
Jamie: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) You know something? You aren't even that cute.
(They all leave the company of Quinn. Quinn is furious)
Quinn: Thanks a lot, Daria! You just ruined my life!
Daria: You did it to yourself! The bad things you do will eventually come back and hurt you dearly.
Quinn: Yeah?! Well, uh, Dammit Daria! You could have at least let me milk it a little longer!
Daria: You heard it here, folks! The harpy queen admits it! Don't you see, people? Quinn was never the nice one.
Jodie: (Standing up) Why are you being like this?
Kevin: (Standing up) Yeah. You're not the type to say things like that!
Daria: Well, maybe you don't know me as you thought. You just think of me as the Misery Chick. The girl that thinks all dark, twisted and gloomy. Read my lips: I'm just not like you. Get that through your tiny heads! I'm outta here.
(The crowd falls silent as Daria, Jane, Michael, and Kain exit. Halfway out the door, Kain says one more thing.)
Kain: An entire year, and you never gave her a chance. And she been holding this back for so long. You people ought to be ashamed. As my final act as principal, remain in your seats. Your old dictator will be here shortly to dismiss you to lunch. (Kain leaves)
(The five are in the van ready to leave for home.)
Kain: That was some speech, Daria. I'm very proud of you.
Daria: Most of all, I feel a lot better.
Jane: I'm kinda surprised. I didn't think you had it in you.
Kain: I've almost tied up all the loose ends.
Michael: Now for the triple-kidnapping.
Kain: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Quinn saw you at school, she'll tell mom and dad. We still have work to do.
Mara: We'll need to go get Reuben, Trent, and Jesse.
Kain: Bonnie.....
Bonnie: I'm way ahead of you sir.
(Cut to: The Morgandorffer front door. Everyone is waiting for Daria to make her move.)
Kain: You need to do this, Daria.
Jane: Don't worry, we're behind you one-hundred percent.
Daria: Thank you. (Prepares to open the door) Well, here goes nothing.........