More than Anyone Can Take: Special Edition
By
Chris Smith

Daria and others are trademarks of MTV Networks

Reuben created by Katherine Goodman

Michael Andrews and Mara Jacobs created by Michael Pfeffer

Kain is a trademark of Smith Enterprizes

Copyright 1997: Original Version

Copyright 1998: Special Edition

Scene 1: A dark room in a large house along the edge of Lawndale. The wall is lined with 10-inch black and white TVs, each with parts of Lawndale homes, businesses, and Lawndale High.

Voice1: (Staring hard into the High School screens) I need something to do.

Voice2: You've got plenty to do around here!

Voice1: No, did. I did everything that is to be done and enjoyed around here. I need to unwind with real people, (Sees a screen with coincidentally, Daria talking to Jane.) people with my IQ level, I couldn't stand dumb people who think they're above us just because of their "Popularity".

Voice3: I'm guessing you have some sort of plan.

Voice1: That's right, I'm going to finish High School.

Voice4: Why? You know more than anyone would know in College.

Voice1: I just want to make it official to me. None of this matters unless I have that slip of paper that says "Diploma".

Voice2: Well, okay. You want us to keep the place standing while you're gone, sir?

Voice1: Naah, take a vacation. You guys need it. I could just use the automatic duster.

Voice3: Are you sure that's wise? It didn't work the last time.

Voice1: I fixed it a few days ago. What the....??!!

Voice4: What is it, man?

Voice1: Him!!! (points to a screen with Michael having a run-in with the Fashion Club)

Sandi: C'mon, we need it to keep the this an official school club.

Michael: I SAID NO!! Now get off my back before I do something nasty!

Quinn: What could "you" possibly do to us?

Michael: (With a sinister smile) Wouldn't you like to know?

Voice1: He'll probably use a few of those piss-off crystals.

Voice3: Are you sure you want to do this?

Voice1: Definitely. I want to be a part of this.

Voice2: Won't the faculty learn how old you really are and start hitting on you?

Voice1: Of course not. Well, maybe the hitting part.

Voice4: They've been doing that for years. Won't Michael find out and turn everyone against you?

Voice1: Not if I explain the truth. Tomorrow morning, I become a student again.

Scene 2: Lawndale High hallways, the next day.

Jane: So we have another prisoner.

Michael: I heard he eats no-brainers for lunch. (Daria's eyes widen when she sees a guy about 6"5, wearing a black trenchcoat and black clothes.)

Voice from behind Michael: Actually, I throw them into a meat tenderizer. Well, well, well. I've heard so much about you, Michael Andrews.

Michael (turning around): Where have I heard that voice?

Voice: Maybe a recorded tape saying I'd search the world trying to track you down.

Michael: Why me?

Voice: Why not? Who's your friends?

Michael: Uh, this's Jane, and she's Daria.

Voice: Hmmm, pleased to meet you. (Shakes Daria's hand) My name's Kain. (Shakes Jane's hand) About two decades back, this guy's dad kinda stole some blueprints from my dad. But I'm willing to forgive, since it's being put to good use.

Daria: What kind of......

Kain: Technology? Nothing big. But dad kinda threw the biggest fit.

Michael: I knew you sounded familiar.

Jane: We gotta get going. Class is about to start.

Kain: Hm, I got this lesbian named Ms. Barch, what about you?

Daria: Same here.

Jane: Me too.

Michael: The psycho. Just guess.

Kain: DeMartino. I know. I've dealt with him before. 'Guess I'll see you later.

Michael (Thinking): I've got a bad feeling about this.

Michael: Sure, later. (Walks away)

(They continue walking to class)

Kain: So what's it like here?

Daria: Just the usual, popular kids having all the power. No matter how dumb they are.

Jane: And the teachers fall for every trick in the book. You could even say your mom is having another kid, and they'll let you out.

Kain: In other words, like every school on the blue ball. Does anyone know that Michael really is a spy?

Daria: No.

Kain: I doubt they'd care anyway.

Jane: What exactly did Mike do that made you want to track him down?

Kain: Just to meet him. To see why the hell dad turned the planet upside-down to find him. And I needed to finish school.

Daria: You mean you dro.....

Kain: No, I was pulled out. Dad was tense and couldn't concentrate very well. So he needed me to help him with his projects.

Jane: How long have you been out of school?

Kain: About four years.

(They finally reach Ms. Barch's class)

Ms. Barch: I see we have another student. ANOTHER MAN?!?!

Kain: Surprised?

(She falls silent as Kain, Daria, and Jane take their seats)

Ms. Barch: Well, tell the class about yourself.

Kain: Well, actually I'm here to....

Ms. Barch: Shut up and sit down!

(Kain takes out a remote control and points it at Ms. Barch. He presses a button, and she freezes still, with her mouth still open)

Kain: Before I was so rudely interrupted, I'm here to seek out the greatest minds this school has to offer. I'm here to bring justice to classes that have to put up with this (points his hand at Ms. Barch). My name is Kain. Don't applaud. Just throw money.

(The class applauds anyway, Daria and Jane stand up and applaud. Jane hoots and hollers.)

Kain: I love my life.

Scene 3: Mrs. Margret Manson's psychological testing room.

Maggie: So, uh, Kain, tell me what you see in this picture.

Kain: Two people talking.

Maggie: That's right. Now, can you make up a small story as to what they're talking about?

Kain: Hmmm. He's been avoiding her for months because she's been asking him what kind of person he really is. He finally breaks down and tells her he's been working as an undercover assassin for the United States Government. She now knows too much and wonders how long it'll be before he has to kill her to keep the secret, secret. He decides to say.........

(Cut to: The hallway, outside Mrs. Manson's office, ten minutes later. Kain walks out, Maggie is barely speaking in tongues.)

Kain: Whoa, I need to get to class. Wow, time really DOES fly when you're having fun.

Scene 4: Mr. DeMartino's class. Kain, Michael, and Daria are walking in. Anthony is a little frightened at the sight of his old student.

DeMartino: You!!

Kain: Hello, Mr. DeMartino. I guess you do remember me.

DeMartino: I guess you're HERE to make up for the four years you've SKIPPED school!

Kain: You forget, I was pulled out. I wasn't skipping, (Imitating DeMartino) I was PULLED out by my dad.

DeMartino: Well. Take your old seat, (In a sinister tone) in the front row.

Kain: Gladly. (Everyone comes in and takes their seats)

DeMartino: It appears we have a new STUDENT joining us. Please welcome Kain. Kain, raise your hand, please. (Kain raises his hand) Well, Kain. As long as you have your hand raised, heh heh heh, can you tell us at what time period the tabloid business got started?

Kain: Tabloids, Muckraking, Yellow Journalism, call it what you will. This blasphemous business began during the times of the Civil War when journalists were too afraid to witness the battles first-hand to report. So they started making up stories of what happened. Muckracking became big business, but it was also despised by the public for its lies. And it continues to this very day.

DeMartino: Very good Kain. Almost suspiciously good.

Kain: And why I may ask, is it suspicious? All I did was answer the question.

DeMartino: Maybe. But I am easily impressed with CORRECT answers, these days.

Kain: I see what you mean.

(Later that period.)

DeMartino: And now for your homework assignment. I want you all to give me a two-page REPORT on the Civil War. (Michael raises his hand) Yes, Michael?

Michael: 'You want us to write about a certain battle, or the entire war?

DeMartino: The entire war.

Kain: Hmm.

DeMartino: I almost forgot. Kain, you only have to write ONE page.

Kevin & Brittany: WHAT?!?!!!

Mackenzie: How does he get off easily like that?!

DeMartino: Very simple, because he writes in a SMALL handwriting that seems to intrigue me to this day.

Scene 5:Mrs. Bennett's class. She's doing another diagram. Kain decides to intervene.......

Kain: Let me guess, you're into football, aren't you?

Bennett: What makes you ask that?

Kain: It's very obvious. What else does this diagram represent other than a standard play?

Bennett: It represents the ecomoic fabric that is Ticketmaster.

Kevin: I've have to agree with the new guy. It look like a standard hit-and-run pass play, straight from the playbook.

Kain: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Intercom: Mrs. Bennett, would you please send, uh, Kain, my office?

Kain: Gee, this'll be fun. (Kain leaves)

Scene 6: Mrs. Li's Office. A few minutes later, Kain arrives at Mrs. Li's office. Mrs. Li looks at a few student folders.

Li: Oh hi, Kain. That is your full name, isn't it?

Kain: (Sitting down) Yup. Scary, ain't it?

Li: Uh, no. (Phone rings) Hello? Dammit! I told you to get that set of skylights fixed! Oh, alright! Fine. Yeah. Uh huh. (CLICK) Dammit!!!

Kain: Trouble in the high command?

Li: What do you care?!

Kain: I'd care enough to pay for my own skylights if I was principal.

Li: What?!

Kain: I'm not stupid, I could hear the guy on the phone.

Li: Oh really (In a sinister tone). Well, let's see if you're up to the challenge, Mr. Confident.

Kain: Huh?

Li: You think you can hold up an entire school full of hoodlums ready to feast on your rotting carcass like vultures?!!

Kain: I know I can do better than you.

Li: We'll see. When would you like to start?

Kain: How about now?

Li: I'll bet that you couldn't last one month as principal.

Kain: One month? Is that all?

Li: One month.

Kain: Let's talk terms, I came back to school to finish my senior year. If I do this, will I get my diploma?

Li: Yes.

Kain: Ok, you got yourself a student principal (They shake hands). Hey, to ease the tension with the students, why don't you sneak out the back without being seen. (He grabs the mic, Angela leaves the room)

(Cut to: The Cafeteria front doors. Lunchtime. Daria and Jane are about to enter the café when the intercom comes on.)

Kain: He-llloooooooooooooooo students!! This is your new, that's right, NEW commander-in-chief speaking. Principal Li decided to take an extended vacation. Tomorrow we will celebrate the "Day of Kain". Which will be a school day, BUT with one exception, teachers go bye-bye. Damn, I love my life!

Daria: Well, this is new.

(Michael runs to Daria and Jane the instant the intercom goes off)

Michael: .... Be happening, this can't be happening, this can't..... Daria, Jane!

Jane: What's with you? You've been going nuts ever since Kain came.

Michael: I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sure he's up to something bad, really bad!

Daria: What makes you say that?

Michael: Dad told me everything about this guy, he's evil, Daria. EVIL!!

(Just as Michael was saying this, Kain walks around the corner and stands right behind Mike. Daria and Jane's eyes widen with that "Uh-Oh" look.)

Michael: He's behind me, isn't he?

Kain: Yup, and I'm kinda hurt about this allegation that you have. Oh, well, 'can't be helped. So what do you all think about the upcoming "holiday"?

Jane: How do you expect to pull this off?

Kain: It's a no-rules day. You can do whatever you want. Excluding the harming of other human beings. Giant screen TVs will be supplied to watch anything they so desire. Stereos will be implanted on the sides of all the new desks, complete with CD player, dual cassette player, AM/FM Stereo. And the gym will be replaced with a Game Room complete with the best video arcades, Pool Tables, Pinball, Foozball, Air Hockey, the works.

Daria: What's going to happen to the gym?

Kain: I've got that taken care of. Money is no object to me.

Michael: Where is all this money coming from?

Kain: Dad sold some technology to the United States government, I'm being paid a bundle every month, as the tech is extremely priceless.

Jane: So the school is getting a major facelift to celebrate the "Day of Kain".

Kain: Yup, you all should see MY place sometime. Bye. (Kain walks into a janitor's closet and shuts the door)

Michael: But that's the....... (Michael opens the door and drops his jaw in confusion when he sees that no one's in the Closet.) He's gone! (Daria and Jane look at each other very puzzled.)

Scene 7: The Morgendorffer dinner table. That evening.

Daria: So this new guy, Kain, enters as a student, and leaves as the new principal.

Quinn: Daria. Your friend Mike is so rude!

Daria: You and the entire Fashion Club kept pushing him into donating money so you could buy more clothes. It's not my fault he doesn't give in to peer pressure.

Jake: How'd this Kain guy get to be the new principal?

Daria: I'm just as clueless as you. I've got some stuff to do. (Daria gets up and goes upstairs)

Quinn: I want to find out as much as possible about this new guy.

Helen: Why?

Quinn: Because, he's cute, and he's loaded! (Quinn gets up and goes to her room)

Helen: I've got a bad feeling about this.

(Cut to: Daria's room. With the TV on.)

TV: Are terrorists controlling our very own government? Up next on Sick Sad World.

(The phone rings)

Daria: Hello?

Michael: It's me.

Daria: Are you going to go ballistic again?

Michael: Mara's kinda complaining about that too. I know this sounds crazy, but I know that Kain is a global terrorist leader who has the world at his grip.

Daria: Uh huh. Hold on, I got another call. (CLICK) Hello?

Jane: Yo.

Daria: Hang on a sec. (CLICK) Hey Mike, I got another call.

Michael: OK, later.

Daria: Later (CLICK). I'm back.

Jane: What was that about?

Daria: Michael says that Kain is some sort of terrorist.

Jane: Wow. Twenty bucks says that Mike's about to go off the deep end.

Daria: Fifty says he'll try to have our new Commander-In-Chief arrested tomorrow.

Jane: 'Must be mighty upset to do that.

Daria: You saw how the guy was acting. He was so serious at lunch today, I almost believed him.

Jane: 'Wonder how Mara's putting up with this?

Scene 8: 11:30 p.m. The Andrews Front porch. Michael is wearing a Jetpack, about to take off.

Mara: How could this guy be a terrorist?

Michael: Just trust me on this.

Mara: Mike, don't embarrass yourself like this.

Michael: I have to do this, OK? The guy nearly killed my dad, and held me up at gunpoint. The guy is pure evil. (Blasts off)

Mara: He's setting himself for a big fall, I just know it.

(Michael zooms across the landscape, dodging houses, trees, poles, and moving cars {!??!}. He's so determined, he forgets that he could have just flown over everything rather than through.)

Michael: I've got you now, you son of a bitch! You'll be sorry you ever heard of me!

(Shortly, he arrives at Kain's house. He lets go of the accelerator, fires a grappling hook at the side of the house. He ends up going around the entire house twice, before slamming face-first into the wall, right next to the grapnel hook.)

Michael: That's gonna hurt for days. (He obviously doesn't care about the pain. Mike opens the window and hops in, it's the dining room. Just about every room has the lights out.) (Whispering, but very angry) Where are you?!? (Mike looks around and goes to the den. The fireplace is lit, and a chair is in front, facing the fire. Michael whips out a Revolver and darts around the chair. He aims at Kain) You're mine now you bast......

(It's not Kain, it's a dummy)

Michael: Holy shit!!!

(Suddenly, an energy net fires from the side of the fireplace, Michael is slammed against the wall, as he is now trapped.)

Kain: Who the he...... oh, it's you. Don't you have anything better to do?

Michael: You bastard!!! I'll kill you!!! As soon as I get my hands on you......

Kain: As soon as I release you, I am going to show you the door. Why are you like this, anyway? Your dad was the one who stole from my dad. I should be the one killing you. But like I said, I'm willing to forgive. But if you're not accepting, hell, I can play hardball too. Computer, scan Michael Andrews for brain wave patterns.

Computer: Scanning complete.

Kain: Good, hmm, well, you're not drunk. So this means you're deluded or something. I'm no psychoanalyst. But you've obviously gone whacko. I'll tell you what, I'm going to let you go. Get some rest, and we'll talk about this tomorrow, everyone must be worried sick. Computer, bodyslide Michael Andrews back to his home, with equipment intact.

Computer: Act will require three seconds.

Kain: I'll see you tomorrow. And do something about your face, it looks bad.

Michael: This isn't over.

Kain: I most certainly hope not. (Michael is then vaporizing out of sight.) He'll be okay. He'll also be back. Computer, current status of "Operation: Fuckup"?

Computer: 98% complete. Might I ask why you are using the CL-30?

Kain: Michael needs some backup from the Fashion Club. They deserve what's coming to them. Current status of "Operation: Master Plan"?

Computer: 43% complete.

Kain: Just a while longer.......

(Cut to: Michael's bedroom, Mike appears on the bed. Mara sees this and is totally confused.)

Mara: What happened?

Michael: Kain sent me back after a short conversation.

Mara: That's it! Tomorrow, after school, we're going to Kain's house to settle this!

Michael: But.....

Scene 9: The Morgendorffer Table. The next morning.

Jake: I hear that there's a new school holiday.

Quinn: Yeah, it's called the "Day of Kain".

Helen: Why are you excited? It's a school day.

Quinn: It's a no-rules day. The teachers are taking the day off.

Helen: WHAT?!!? Who's going to supervise?!

Daria: Didn't you hear her, mom? It's a do-what-you-want day. Kain told me he can handle it.

Quinn: Kain told you?!?! He actually spoke to you?!?!?!

Daria: Suprised?

Quinn: YES!!!!!!!

Daria: I knew you would be. Would you like to meet him?

Quinn: How do you know this guy? There's no way!! He's a cool person and only cool people hang out with cool people!!!

Jake: Maybe this Kain guy thinks Daria is cool.

Quinn: There's no way!!!

Daria: I doubt they'll think you're cool once they know the truth about us.

Quinn: You wouldn't...

Daria: It's a do-what-you-want day.

Quinn: Then I'll have to......

Daria: Whatever it is, I'm sure I can counter. Look, I have an idea, you tell them the truth, and I'll take you with us after school to meet Kain.

Helen: (Looking at Quinn with little anger) What truth?

Daria: Quinn's embarrassed about me being her sister. So she decided to distort reality. Now, we're "cousins".

Helen: How could you?!!?!

Jake: You should be proud you even have a sister!!!!

Daria: Yeah Quinn, how could you?

Quinn: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 10: The front campus to Lawndale High. The beginning of the school day. There is an assembly at the entrance.

Kain: So students of Lawndale High, today will forever go down in history as your day of total freedom. (Speaking in a soft tone) And now two final words which will echo in your heads for the rest of the year: LET'S PARTY!!!!!!

Jane: This oughta be good.

(Quinn walks by Daria and Jane)

Daria: There goes the soon-to-be Ex-Vice-President.

Jane: Really, how're you going to pull that off?

Daria: Blackmail. No biggie.

(Quinn{?} walks by Daria and Jane)

Jane: Didn't she already walk in?

Daria: I must be imagining things.

(Quinn{??} walks by Daria and Jane

Jane: It must be spreading, I see it too.

(Three more Quinns{?!?!} walk by)

Daria: Now I'm scared.

Jane: Better tell your mom to put out the extra plates tonight.

(All of a sudden, Sandi comes running out, screaming and yelling gibberish.)

Daria: That sorta makes up for it.

Michael: (Walking up with Mara.) I suppose nothing happened so far, this has got to be a new record.

Mara: He's been like this ever since last night.

Jane: Daria and I might be hallucinating.

Michael: How? You couldn't be sick. Colds are repulsed by you too. There's no way any of you could get sick.

Daria: Gee I'm flattered. But I kinda swore that there was about five Quinns walking in.....

Jane: Then Sandi sprinted out screaming.

Mara: Hmmmm, (extremely sarcastic) maybe Kain's going to take over the world.

Michael: Maybe, I'm just going crazy. Let's go.

(They walk in, and drop their jaws to the horror of seeing six Quinns chatting with the fashion club.)

Michael: (In a calm tone) Could it be those glitterberries you mentioned, Daria. I mean, could it be released into the air as some sort of gas? I think I've got it too.

Jane: But which one is the real Quinn?

Michael: More importantly, since when did they perfect the cloning of tramps?

Daria: Hmm.... Hey Quinn, rich guy at 9:00!

Quinns: (Each zing their necks to their left.) WHERE?!!!??!??!!

Daria: Damn!

Mara: Worse yet, how do we find out.

Michael: I don't know, but I feel like having fun. Check this out. (He goes and whispers to one of the Quinns) They're all planning to kick you out, you'd better do something. (Goes to another) They want to kill you because you're too popular, you gotta get 'em first. (Goes to a third) I hear that Sandi's giving up her spot as president, it wouldn't hurt if you were a little aggressive. (Goes to a fourth) The word just came out: The trashy whore look is in. Go for it!! (Goes to a fifth) Guys like really smart girls these days, 'better hit the books!

(Michael walks back to the girls with a grin. Daria is smiling again, with the hint of bursted laughter.)

Jane: What's that supposed to solve?

Michael: Nothing, but at least I gave five of them new personalities.

(Within seconds, all six Quinns end up at each other's throats, literally. Due to the massive carnage involved, I won't give out details. {Oh, come on. You know you wanna.} No, I'm not gonna tell 'em, and you can't make me. Naah nah nah nah nah naaah. {Why you little punk!} Aahhhhhh! Oh, that's it! {Then come on! Oooofffff!!} Hey that's my head, ow, ow, ow, OWWWW!!!!)

(While two of my pals are busy killing each other I'll tell you what happened, all six Quinns were hurt in the worst way for them. That's right, they all ended up breaking at least two of their nails.)

Michael: Don't you ever have moments where, if you only had a camera, you'd be ten thousand dollars richer?

Daria: I have those all the time.

Michael: Doesn't hurt to start now. (He has a pencil-like object behind his ear making small, faint, buzzing noises. He points it out to the girls.) As soon as I combine it with the audio. We have one of many hillarious scenes to add to our collection of Lawndale Bloopers.

Jane: How many?

Mara: Videotapes by the ton. And they're all worth watching dozens and dozens of times.

Michael: Clips where Quinn gets humiliated. This one's going to be filed there. Times where Brittany screws up cheers. Times where Kevin gets his ass kicked BY Brittany.

Kain: (From behind) Don't forget the time you used those piss-off crystals on Quinn to ruin her date. That was golden!

Jane: How long have you been here?

Kain: Long enough to know you're really having fun. That's the point of today. Let yourselves go! I even set up a wrestling ring in the gym. Just so you'll know, it's only half fake.

Daria: I used to watch pro-wrestling as a kid. I thought it was all fake. But it was still cool to watch.

Michael: Then Ultimate Fighting came, and turned up the notch in violence. You know, if they're stupid enough to do that, then they can have it!

Mara: 'Same goes for drugs.

Kain: I just wish my brother would know that.

Michael: What? Is he doing drugs?

Kain: Worse, he's the one selling them.

Jane: Didn't you try to stop him?!?!

Kain: Yes, and he held me up at gunpoint. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought up my brother like that.

Daria: You had to tell someone.

Kain: Hmm. I guess you're right. Hey! I almost forgot! I've got a suprise for you in the gym.

Jane: We don't need to see that.

Kain: There's other things that can fit in the gym. Have you ever seen the movie "Bodyslam"?

Michael: Wasn't that the one where they tried to combine pro-wrestling and heavy metal music?

Kain: Yup. So I was inspired. Come.

(They walk by the Quinns who are still fighting. Over to the newly built gymnasium. The place is filled with people as they simultaneously watch a band practice, and people wrestling in the ring.)

Kain: You'll never guess who I chose to play, every time we have a sports event.

Jane: (Hearing them practice) I recognize that riff.

Daria: Very familiar.

Michael: Isn't that......

Kain: Yup (opening the doors). A band called Mystik Spiral.

Jane: How'd you convince them to play here? I thought they hated school?

Kain: (Whispering to Jane) I'll explain later. (Back to normal tone) Hey Daria, what's his name says he wants to meet you later after the concert.

Daria: Okay pal, you just made the list.

Kain: Huh?

Jane: Daria's a little defensive when it comes to.....

Daria: Shut up Jane!

Jane: Touchy! Always a good sign.

Kain: Oh. (They walk up the band) Thanks again guys. The school needs this kind of stuff.

Trent: No problem. Hey Jane. Hi Daria.

Jane: Hi.

Daria: Hey.

Kain: Remember what I told you guys.

Reuben: No problem.

Jesse: Cool.

(Kain picks up a bass.)

Jane: What the.....?!

Kain: I want to be a great principal. I also want to have a life. So I'm joining Mystik Spiral.

Michael: This oughta be good.

(Amps are all turned on)

Trent: You ready? (All give the go sign) Cool, (Speaking into mic) OK, we are Mystic Spiral. And we're here to help celebrate the "Day of Kain".This song is called "Ice Box Woman".

(Soft but heavy riff. Trent speaks slowly with a gothic tone that could almost pass for Peter Steele. Daria, and Jane are very suprised.) You're an angel in black, you sure have a knack for putting my heart on the shelf in the back I'm waiting my turn, ohhhh, when will I learn? My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn.

(The riff continues, with a small trace of the original theme.) Oh, it's cold and damp, please turn on the lamp, It's just as bad as going to camp Ice box woman, your soul so cold c'mon, I mean it, this is getting old.

(Kain switches on his pedal, and does a quick bass solo with drums.)

(Later on, after the show)

Jane: Wow, Trent. I didn't know you had it in you.

Trent: I didn't either, until Kain taught me.

Jesse: Kain showed us all sorts of cool songs. (Points to Kain) This guy is a genius.

Reuben: Definitely, and that bass solo was bitchin'

Trent: What did you think of the song?

Jane: Better than before.

Michael: I think the bass solo was a little incomplete.

Kain: It's going to be a long and bumpy road, I like bumpy. What about you Daria?

Daria (Thinking): I'm speechless this time. Well, almost.

Daria: Cool.

Kain: Whoa, check that out.

(Kevin and Mackenzie are actually in the ring, wrestling)

Jane: 'Had to happen sooner or later.

(Mack has Kevin in a full-nelson)

Mack: Call me Mack-Daddy again will ya! I'll Mack-Daddy you!!

Kevin: Aaaaahhhh! Hey that's illegal!

Michael: No it's not, remember? This is a professional wrestling ring, where any hold will work.

Kain: Well put. With that being said, I GET THE WINNER!

Kevin: Ok, I give! I GIVE!!!

Mack: Giving up isn't enough this time. No more "Mack-Daddy"! Got it?!

Kevin: Ok, Mack-Daddy. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, ok, ok, Mike. I won't do it anymore. I swear!!!!!

Mack: You people heard it here! (Lets go and kicks Kevin out) Michael Jordan Mackenzie rules the ring!! (Crowd cheers)

Kain: (Getting in) I don't think so, pal. You may rule over that loser, but never the ring.

Mack: (With high adrenaline) Never, man! Never! I can beat anybody!!

Kain: I was made the principal for a lot more reasons than one. Hey, Trent! You wanna be the ref?

Trent: Sure!

Kain: Only two rules. No eye-gouging, and no choking. But then, those are wuss moves, anyway.

(As Trent gets in, Mack and Kain lock-up. Mack powers his way toward the corner. Kain Raises his arms up for Mack to let go. They lock up again, this time Kain shoves Mack into the corner. Kain grabs Mack's neck (Trying to avoid grabbing the hair), and bulldogs him. Kain then picks back up Mack, Mack knees Kain in the stomach, causing him to bend over. Mack puts Kain in a headlock, Kain pushes both to the ropes, then shoves Mack to the opposite side of the ring, he bounces back, Kain scoops up Mack, twirls around three times, then slams him into the mat. Kain gets up, grabs Mack's legs, and performs the Sharpshooter/ScorpionDeathlock. Mack submits immediately. The crowd cheers as Kain's hand is raised in victory.)

Jesse: (Talking through a mic onstage) Give a hand for Kain, the man who not only rules the school, but also rules the ring!

(Crowd cheers even louder than before. Kain grabs a mic.)

Kain: Every Wednesday, I will defend my title. Come and get it!!! (Kain helps Mack up.)Let's have it for Mike Mackenzie for being a terrific sport!

(Crowd cheers as they leave the ring. Jodie hugs Mack. Kain, walks away sad since he had no one to hug.)

Daria: Where's Kain going?

Michael: I don't know.

Mara: That was wild. This is going to be one hell of a year Lawndale will never forget.

Jane: That's the truth.

Scene 11 (Whew!!): The Tank, on it's way to Kain's. A U-shaped couch is in the back, replacing the trunk. Clockwise from driver's seat: Reuben, Misplaced Amp, Jesse, Jane, Mara, Michael, Daria, Trent. They managed to squeeze everyone in with the equipment in the very back.

Jane: Wasn't Quinn supposed to come too?

Daria: All six? And not one held up their end of the bargain.

Trent: How could there be six Quinns, anyway?

Daria: I'm sure there wasn't a mixup. Otherwise Dad's eye would've stayed red to this day.

Jesse: One red eye for fifteen years? Scary.

Michael: Did you hear about the catfight in the ring with Jodie and Brittany?

Mara: Girlfriend wars.

Trent: I wonder what Kain's place is like?

Jane: Considering how much he spent on the school. I'm expecting some kind of castle

Daria: Probably the size of a stadium.

Reuben: I liked that part where that wussy football player got caught in a full-nelson.

Michael: Oh yes, the golden part of the afternoon.

Trent: No, I'd have to say the best part was when Kain beat the guy who beat the football player. He's a pro.

Jane: I'll bet Daria could beat him.

Daria: Just wait until I get you in the ring.

All: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!!!

(Five minutes later, they reach Kain's front gate. A yellow convertable is parked with Tiffany, Stacy, and all six Quinns. They're all looking horrified.)

Daria: What could spook you?

Jane: Was it the boogie man?

Quinn(?): No.

Trent: The Werewolf?

Quinn(?) No.

Jesse: I know, a vampire! Quinn(?): No.

Michael: Maybe it was a mummy.

Stacy: No, it was some kind of monster. Just go kill it!

Mara: Well, you want the monster dead? A hundred bucks up front. Five hundred for afterward.

Quinns: WHAT??!?!??!

Daria: Fine, you don't get to see Kain. You still have a chance to hold up your end of our little bargain this morning.

Real Quinn: But I don't want to tell them!!!

Daria: That's the one! (Jane and Trent grab the real Quinn.) Everyone grab a clone and drag them in.

(Seven minutes later, they manage to get all six Quinns inside. There's an argument in the basement. So they follow the noise. Kain is arguing with someone.)

Kain: I told you! Only one, why the hell did you make five?!

Computer: It was in your best interest to serve your purpose.

Kain: NO!! I said ONE, I meant ONE!! Get it through your CPU, I thought Smart computers were supposed to be loyal. How many are you going to overdo the next time, Twelve?!? Twenty??! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw your sorry ass right into the plutonium dump.

Computer: Because your father programmed me, and he wouldn't like that.

Kain: Right, right. Well, dad wouldn't like many of the things I did over the years. The guys and gals are NOT going to like me at all even if it was just one. Even Michael. Why, he'll probably shove a whole platoon of cops and SWAT teams down my throat after what he tried to pull last night.

(Everyone gives Michael a mean look)

Computer: Maybe you should make amends with Michael.

Kain: HOW?!?! He already hates my guts!! He thinks I'm a freaking terrorist!!!

Computer: In a way, you are.

Kain: Right, right. Clone number 1, myself. What the hell was I thinking? Any ideas so far as to get HIM back here?

Computer: Ask Michael to help you.

Kain: (Extremely sarcastic) Ask Michael. Ask Michael!!

Michael: (from behind) Yeah, ask him. (Kain jumps and bangs into the wall.)

Kain: Aaaahhh! How long have you.......

Computer: Two minutes, and seventeen seconds.

Kain: (Points at the Computer) I'll deal with you later.

Michael: I had no idea. All this time, I thought it was you that almost killed me.

Kain: Is everyone else here?

Michael: Yeah, even the band.

Kain: Aw jeez. They're not going to think the same about me either. Well, send them in.

(Everyone walks into the massive basement)

Kain: Well? I know at least one of you wants to kick me in the head right now.

Jane: It's okay. You did anything you could to make up for your mistakes.

Daria: Nobody's perfect. Not even you. So stop trying to.

Kain: Who said I was trying. Well, what are we going to do with five Quinns? Oh, did you find out which one was the real one?

Trent: Jane and I have her.

Kain: Well, I can't kill them, even clones don't deserve that. But I can probably reconfigure their minds and use them for maintenance. It would save a bundle on electricity since the automatic systems wouldn't be used as much. Okay, get them in the restraints on the wall. You sure you have the real Quinn?

Daria: I'm sure.

Kain: Does she have a birthmark? The computer always misses those.

Daria: She has a moon on her left hip.

Trent: (Looks) Yeah, we have her.

Kain: Okay, get them in. But WATCH THEM CLOSE!!

(They all manage to get all five Quinns into the restraints. But one wasn't securely fastened in, and she escapes.)

Jane: She's getting away!

Kain: Don't bother, she won't get far. Computer, you know what to do.

Computer: Defenses initiated.

(The Fake Quinn makes it outside, but drops to the ground in horror)

Fake Quinn: Aaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Back inside the lab)

Computer: Escapee neutralized.

Kain: Good work. The parameters are entered in. Now I'll re-arrange their heads.

Jane: How'd you learn all of this stuff?

Kain: When I was young, dad was one of the United States top research scientists. When he retired, he had a secret project. He made a supercharger microchip. The average human being only uses Ten percent of the brain. But he and I have these superchargers Implanted just between the two hemispheres of our brains. They helped us tap into that upper ninety percent. The subconscious. The memories you've been trying to forget. Everything you learn in school. But dad knew more, so he placed some valuable data in my chip. It had all the information that would have you set for life. Dad thought he had perfected human cloning. So I cloned myself because I needed a bodyguard. The kids didn't like nerds very well, so I was worked over just about every time I left for home. But the clone was made too well a war machine. And all of a sudden, he became self-aware. He made a visit to my friend Michael, yes we were best friends. So "Evil Kain" almost killed Michael, because he looked sorta weird. But then, I was no different. That was the last, I've ever seen of him. Dad and I were exiled because the small town hicks thought we were insane. So we were forced to move to Lawndale. This was about 1993. We managed to build this house with a few new friends. But dad was getting ill. So his last action was programming a computer with as much of Dad's memory as possible, even a personality. Then, I was alone. The people in Lawndale High heard about me. So they couldn't help but riddicule me day in to day out. I couldn't take it any more. So I dropped out of sight, and recruited three bodyguards. A year later, my other half came and stole the brainwaves and DNA Patterns of my friends. Then, I heard on the news that there was a group of super-crimminals committing murder, robberies, and other bad stuff. Last thing I heard, Kain now stands for the most dangerous man in the world. I still feel so ashamed.

Mara: Yikes. Now there's a troubled soul.

Kain: I'm sure everything will be just fine once I can get the other one back here.

Michael: I'll do it!

Kain: I'm afraid that's impossible, even for you. He's got an army of thugs, hitmen, crooks, Demolitionists, assassins, and druglords. And I wouldn't want any of you to get caught in the middle of his current "war".

Daria: War? Some kind of war for territory?

Kain: No, he's fighting a group of superheroes. I'm sure you heard of them.

Jane: Oh yeah.

Jesse: Ah, they're no so tough.

Michael: But what about the part where you said my dad stole some technology from your dad?

Kain: Your dad was still spying back then. The United States DOD doesn't take too kindly to top-notch scientists retiring from service. According to this great country, "There is no retirement." Once you sign on the dotted line, you work for the US Government 'til the day you die! Your father dropped out of sight after he was ordered to steal any technology that my dad might be keeping for himself. James didn't want the super AI blueprints to go to those "Lying Bastards that we're supposed to respect".

Quinn: Are you people through, like, talking death and stuff. And c'mon, somebody turn on a light. This place is, like, not how to make a room. It doesn't go with the color of my nails. And where's Kain? I wanna meet this guy, finally.

Kain: We keep on telling you, Quinn. You didn't hold up your part of the bargain. You came all this way for nothing, all because you didn't want to lose your popularity. You are never going to meet Kain.

Quinn: Why not?!

Kain: (Speaking in a mall-bimbo tone) Like, read my lips for once you little tramp. It was, like, a limited-time deal, and you, like, blew it, toots.

Quinn: Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kain: Daria, shut her up. The computer is very sensitive. And thus, we close that gap.

Daria: And right into another one.....

Kain: Huh?

Mara: Yeah, I thought you wanted to finish school.

Kain: Some explainations must wait for another day. (Walks toward Quinn) Right now, I think you all should be taking Quinn home. I'm sure this has been a traumatic experience for her. I'll walk you out.

(A few minutes later. At the front door.)

Kain: So I'll see you all tommorow morning at school?

Michael: Sure, man. (He shakes his hand)

Daria: Sure.

Jane: I was wondering something. Why'd you clone Quinn in the first place?

Kain: The fashion club is a cancer on our fair town. The best way to dismantle a group is from inside.

Mara: I'm sure they'll be back. And in greater numbers.

Jesse: Fashion freaks are like that.

Trent: This kinda inspires a song.

Kain: Number twenty-seven.

Scene 12: The Morgendorffer dining table.

Daria: So all in all, a great day.

Quinn: No it wasn't! I didn't get to meet Kain! All I met was this weird guy in a black trenchcoat who kept mumbling all this science junk. The place was icky.

Daria: She has yet to learn the importance of business deals. Quinn thought she could get something for nothing.

Quinn: But my popularity is all I have!

Daria: It's not that important. It would have been a small sacrifice just to meet Kain.

Quinn: Why do I even bother with you? You'll never understand!

(Gets up and begins to walk away. Daria catches her by the collar.)

Daria: No, Quinn. Why do I bother with you? You know what? You can have your fashion club and your constant dates and your rich, cute guy fantasies. What's left of it anyway. (She lets go)

(Daria sits back down and resumes eating)

Helen: (In a suprised tone) Daria! What brought that up?

Daria: If she's that stupid not to notice. She doesn't deserve to know. And I don't want either of you telling her.

Jake: Telling her what, dear?

Daria: The guy she met WAS Kain. Kain's a scientist, and a good one at that. He's got the kind of knowledge people would kill for.

Helen: How did he afford to extend the school?

Daria: He sold some of his findings to the US government. He get paid a bundle every month.

Jake: What?!!

Daria: If you're interested, mom. He is looking for a decent lawyer to represent him.

Helen: What happened to the last one?

Daria: His last lawyer was really working for the other team. Kain still won the case, but he doesn't trust very many lawyers anymore.

Helen: Hmmmm, do you have his number?

Daria: Why don't you meet him at school tomorrow?

Helen: You know what? I will! I will snag the biggest client and finally break the firm's glass ceiling!

Daria: You go girl. I'm going upstairs.

Scene 13: Later that night. Kain's Lab.

Kain: Are you sure Michael can help me?

Computer: I'm sure.

Kain: But look at the technical specs of the MJP-911, he's way out of his league! Mike won't last two minutes against him!

Computer: The aircraft isn't anything without a pilot.

Kain: You're right. But you have to admit that things are going to get really crazy soon.

Computer: Yes, it will be a problem soon.

Kain: I just hope no one gets hurt this time.

Scene 14: The next day, DeMartino's class. Kain isn't present when the bell rings.

DeMartino: I guess you're all here. I still ponder the POINT to having a day like yesterday.

Kain: (From the door) To unwind, what else. Here. (He hands Anthony a paper filled with words)

DeMartino: You didn't have to do this.

Kain: Yes I did. You assigned it BEFORE I became principal. I've never let you down before, have I?

DeMartino: No.

Kain: Good. You see class, when a teacher gives you an assignment, it becomes an oral contract. And last thing I heard, a contract is unbreakable.

(As he leaves he winks in Daria's direction. Daria blushes.)

Continued in "The Death of a Dangerous Trend".

Questions? E-Mail me.