Virtual Massacure: Highlights
By
Chris Smith
Daria and co. created by MTV Networks
Michael Andrews, and Mara Jacobs created by Michael Pfeffer
Reuben created by Katherine Goodman & Kristin Wegner
Kain, Sally, and Karen Oldham created by Chris Smith
Review: In part 2 "The Virtual Massacure", everyone is placed in a Battle Royale inside the Virtual Domain. Before everything began, Quinn challenged Daria to a one-on-one. Kain allowed the match to take place, and the winner would continue to join the Virtual Massacure in progress.
Grudge Match: Daria vs. Quinn:
Quinn: You're dead meat, brain!
Daria: Other way around, brat!
Quinn: Brain!
Daria: Brat!
Quinn: Brain!
Daria: Brat!
Quinn: Brain!
Daria: Brat!
(Quinn pulls out a mace. She swings it at Daria, she misses. Daria pulls out an axe and chops off the mace handle, she then grabs Quinn and throws her into the wall. Quinn gets back up, charges and tackles Daria. Daria kicks her off. Daria grabs Quinn and hauls her up by the collar.)
Daria: Why can't you just stop thinking about boys?
(Quinn breaks free and pulls out a giant mallet. Daria gets knocked clear to the wall.)
Quinn: Get a normal life!
(Daria recovers and pulls out a Calvary Saber. Quinn pulls out the same thing. They clang each other's swords for an entire minute, until Quinn's saber breaks. Daria drops her saber.)
Daria: Had enough?
(Just then, Quinn pulls a gun and starts firing. Daria expected this, so she uses a Star-Trek-style shield and absorbs the bullets. Quinn is in total shock. Daria pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and blows off her upper torso.)
Daria: I guess so.
Kain: (Echoing from nowhere) Game-set-match! You will be joining the battle royale in progress, good luck Daria.
(Daria vanishes from the Arena. And into a replica of Lawndale, except it's been trashed.)
Match 1: Mike Mackenzie vs. Mike Andrews
(The fight begins in the Lawndale High Football Field when Mack takes down Michael from behind. Michael tosses him off and gets back a good distance. Mack pulls out a spiked-football and throws it at Michael, He fails to get out of it's way, and it gets his left arm. Michael pulls off the spike-ball, and his arm is bleeding. Mack leaps at Michael, Michael's bloodied arm morphs into a anvil-sized steel fist. He hits Mack back to where he was. Michael is in pain. Mack walks to him, knowing he isn't going anywhere. Mack hoists Michael up by the shoulders, Michael's right arm morphs into a blade like the one used in T2. He stabs Mack in the left side of his chest, right through his back. Mack falls over, and fades out of the playing field, Michael's arm returns to normal. Jeffy sees the action from a corner.)
Match 2: Michael Andrews vs. Jeffy
(Jeffy leaps into the fray. Michael takes advantage of Jeffy being in the air and grabs him. He slams Jeffy into the goalpost. It begins to fall. Michael rolls out of the way. The Tommy Sherman Goalpost crushes Jeffy.)
Michael: Yikes, that's gotta leave a mark!
Match 3: Jane vs. Stacy
(Jane bumps into Stacy from around a corner, in the mall.)
Stacy: YOU?!!
Jane: I knew this'd be interesting.
(Jane cracks a smile. Stacy can't stand the thought, so she gets in Jane's face.)
Jane: You really want a piece of me?
Stacy: I'm going to wipe that smile off your face!
Jane: This oughta be good.
(Unfortunately, for Stacy, since she's in the Fashion Club, all she could think up was a roll of lipstick. Jane laughs while she pulls out a spear and shishkabobs Stacy in her right eye. Just for a laugh, Jane pokes out the other one too.)
Jane: That was easy.
Match 4: Jodie vs. Brittany
(Jodie and Brittany are talking on the sidewalk. They're watching the carnage.)
Jodie: Can you believe these idiots? They're killing each other over nothing!
Brittany: Kevie's not an idiot!! (Brittany kicks Jodie in the gut, and then proceeds to strangle her. Kevin walks in from nowhere.)
Kevin: Hey babe, what's going on? (Jodie manages to break free from Brit's distraction. Brittany slaps Kevin, and breaks a nail. Brittany grabs Jodie's head in a psychotic-rage and rams her through a brick wall, Jodie's head is stuck. Brittany goes to the other side, whips out an axe and chops off Jodie's head.) That was amazing, babe.
Brittany: (Still pissed) I'm not done with you yet! You made me break a nail!
Match 5: Brittany vs. Kevin
Kevin: Oh shit. (Brittany's left hand grows to the size of a set of double-doors, she flattens Kevin with her palm. Her eyes turn red, and she lets out a roar that sounds like Godzilla.)
Match 6: Daria vs. Sandy
(They run into each other in a park.)
Sandy: I'm going to, like, mop the floor with you.
Daria: Ooh, I'm really scared. I'm going to die by a rouge-junkie.
(Sandy pulls out a Colt Python and starts firing. Daria jumps out of the way, and bashes her with her shoulder, knocking Sandy down. Sandy gets back up, and throws Daria into a tree. Sandy grabs Daria by the collar and backhand-slaps her. She does it again, and again, and again. Then Daria headbutts Sandy, releasing her grip. Daria whips out a giant razor blade on a stick and decapitates Sandy, then takes out a spiked mace and squishes the head.)
Daria: What an airhead.
Match 7: Reuben vs Joey
(Reuben is at a Coffeehouse, Joey comes in.)
Joey: Do they serve beer here?
Reuben: Excuse me, this is a Coffeehouse. They serve coffee! Have a little sense, man.
Joey: You know, you grunge hippies are all alike. You're stupid, you stink at sports, and you choose the worst women for dates!
Reuben: Hmmm. Maybe you're right. (Gets up from his seat.) And maybe you're a preppie cocksucker who everyone looks up to, even though preps are (emphasizing on every word) THE WORST ROLE MODELS!
Joey: Oh, that's it! You're dead!
Reuben: I don't think so, pal! (Joey comes at him, holding a baseball bat.) Why don't you just go crawling back to Quinn like you always do?
(Reuben picks up his chair and breaks it over Joey's head. Joey is dazed. Reuben grabs Joey's wrists.)
Reuben: I'm also a palm reader. I predict ....... aaa fuck it! (Reuben rips off Joey's arms, and beats him senseless with the arms like a pair of nunchukus. After "Playing" with him, Reuben kicks off Joey's head.) I think I can get used to this.
Match 8: Andrea vs. Tiffany
(Tiffany wanders into a graveyard.)
Tiffany: This place is icky.
Andrea: (Her voice fills the air, but she's nowhere to be seen.) It's where you go when you die. It's SUPPOSED to be icky! (A bat lands on Tiffany's shoulder. She screams.) What are you afraid of? It's just one of God's creatures. They were made for a reason.
Tiffany: No they aren't! Where are you?! (The bat flies off Tiffany's shoulder and hovers in front of her.) It's you, isn't it?
Andrea: (Morphing back to a human form.) Yup, ya like it?
Tiffany: Ugh. Are you kidding?!
Andrea: You have officially insulted my honor. Now you must suffer a fate worse than death.
Tiffany: What are you talking about?
(Cut to: Outside the graveyard, you can hear Tiffany screaming in terror.)
Andrea: I'm going to enjoy this.
Match 9: Jamie vs. Mara
(Jamie sees Mara at the School Library and runs toward her.)
Jamie: Hey! Get back here! I need to kill you! I mean ..... Oh, just come here! (Mara runs around a shelf of books, circling right behind Jamie. She executes a flying kick in the back of his head, Jamie is on all fours. Mara takes a book, rips out a page and rubs the edge against his throat a few times. Jamie gets up, confused.) What's that supposed to do?
Mara: Wait.
(A few seconds later, the very spot on his throat bursts open with blood. Jamie collapses.)
Mara: Paper cuts are always the worst.
Match 10: Jesse vs. Upchuck
(Jesse sees Upchuck admiring the Victoria's Secret dummies in the store window in the mall.)
Jesse: You're one sad little puppy, aren't you?
Upchuck: Soon, ladies like these will be BEGGING me to go out with them.
Jesse: Yeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Upchuck: Maybe they'll learn to like me, after they see me kick your ass all over this mall!
Jesse: You're an idiot, and a perv. Now I see why they call you Upchuck. People like you make me want to vomit! (An axe-shaped guitar appears in Jesse's hands. He swings it at Upchuck, but it doesn't even get close. Jesse tries it again, but it bounces back when it tries to connect. Upchuck's using some kind of electric shield.)
Upchuck: Is that the best you can do? (Laughs while he turns around to resume admiring the stiff models.)
Jesse: (Jesse tries a third time. This time, his back. It connects, and Upchuck falls over.) What a sicko. It's too bad you can't really kill people here.
Match 11: Brittany vs. Mara
(Mara is walking out of the Library and sees Brittany, Brittany notices and charges at her with those eyes still red with fury. Brittany starts squeezing Mara's neck until it flies off her head. Brittany throws the head at a TV. She runs out of the Library to seek other victims.)
Match 12: Michael vs. Reuben
(Reuben is walking out of the Coffeehouse, Michael is on the roof, he dumps a barrel of sulfuric acid an Reuben. Reuben is instantly dissolved.)
Michael: That was cool. (Suddenly he is lifted off the ground, and pulled off-camera) Hey! What's going on, h-.... AAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Match 13: Brittany vs. Andrea
(Brittany wanders into the same graveyard, with the same look on her face. She's not scared, at all. This is new.)
Brittany: Come out so I can waste you!!
Andrea: (From nowhere) Fresh meat. (Andrea appears and clubs Brittany with a lead pipe. Brittany is on the ground. Andrea pulls out a chainsaw and starts slicing up Brittany's inside.)
Match 14: Daria vs. Jane
(Daria and Jane meet each other in the graveyard.)
Daria: Anything new?
Jane: Nope, just killed Stacy. You?
Daria: Killed Quinn and Sandy. It was kinda fun.
Jane: You think so?
Daria: You get to relieve some kind of hostility by killing somebody without going to prison for life.
Jane: And you get to do it any way you want. You're right, it is fun.
Daria: I wonder who's left?
Jane: I know we're still here.
Daria: Oh well. (Jane takes out a guillotine blade and starts thrusting it at Daria's Back, it doesn't connect, Daria has on a shield too. Jane's eyes widen in shock.) If you wanted to fight me, You should have said so. (Daria whips out a double-bladed axe and chops off Jane's upper-torso {She's repeating her tactics, 'not a good sign.}.) Hmph.
Match 15: Andrea vs. Daria
(Daria wanders into the crypt, after seeing some dark-green flashes of light coming from inside. Daria goes downstairs into the depths. She sees Tiffany, Trent, Jesse, and Michael are lining the sides of the crypt in crucifixes. Each of them have their hearts cut out. At the end of the hallway, she sees Brittany in another crucifix, above the doorway, with her heart cut out, and parts of her intestine dripping out. Daria continues on, and reaches some kind of throne room. Andrea is sitting in the throne, drinking something red{!!}. She looks at Daria.)
Andrea: I kinda figured you'd come.
(Daria looks left and right, and the rest of the contestants are nailed to the walls in crucifix positions, even Reuben, who is just a skeleton now. Daria is showing a small hint of fear. But Andrea doesn't notice.)
Daria: I see we're the only ones left.
Andrea: You like the way I decorated? It the only thing I could find on such short notice.
Daria: I'm curious, what did you do with the other's hearts?
Andrea: (Points to a few stainless steel pedestals, they have each of the hearts. They've been bitten into, and drained of all blood.) I always wondered what they tasted like. It's good really. Try some. (She throws Daria a canister containing blood. She catches it, and looks at it, then looks back at Andrea.)
Daria: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down. (She sets the container to the side, on top of a coffin.)
Andrea: Come on, Daria. I know you're aching to do it.
Daria: How do you know?
Andrea: Because, you are just like me. You want to kill the entire world. You want to cut off their heads and drink their blood, don't you?
Daria: You don't know me very well, do you?
Andrea: (She frowns.) You just passed up the greatest offer of all. (She gets up and raises her left hand to eye-level. Jane, Reuben, Upchuck, Mara, Sandy, and Stacy come down from the wall and stuble toward Daria. Andrea raises her right hand to eye-level. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jodie, Kevin, and Mack come down from the wall and stumble toward Daria.) Now my children shall feed.
Daria: (Now, she's fed up. She reaches into her shirt and pulls out a cross which she has been wearing around her neck, and holds it up at the zombies.) From what I know, zombies hate these. (The zombies cower in fear. Daria points at Andrea, and the zombies lunge toward her instead.)
Andrea: Hey! That's not fair! Hey! Hey!! (They snack on Andrea while she screams. After she dies, the zombies collapse, and break into pieces. )
Daria: I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Never raise the dead.
Kain: (From nowhere) That could work.
(Daria removes the helmet and steps down from her V.D. seat.)
Kain: Daria Morgendorffer is the winner. Let's hear it for her! (Half the school cheers, while the rest boo at her.)
Daria: There's a few in every crowd.
Jane: Taking place in the finals, I am damn proud of you.
Daria: Thanks.
Trent: That was wild.
Jesse: Tell me about it. I got to kill Upchuck. (Everyone lets out a deep sigh. Upchuck slinks away, unnoticed.)
Reuben: What was the deal with Andrea?
Daria: I guess she was overacting.
Andrea: Yeah, I was. (About to emphasize.) Or was I?
(Everyone looks at each other with a WTF look.)