QUINNTS

Episode #101: Extremesters

Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: roger70129@aol.com

Synopsis: Mike Yamiolkoski once asked on PPMB, what if Quinn were a quint? Thanks to shoddy fertility drugs, Quinn in this alternate-history tale becomes the oldest of a group of quintuplets—five same-age, genetically identical sisters, each with her own interests. The dramatic effects that this has on the Morgendorffers’ life are revealed—with the equally dramatic effects this new family arrangement has on Our Heroine, Daria. Details on the five Quinnts are given in a special section at the start of this script.

Author’s Notes: Mike Yamiolkoski is entirely to blame for the idea of turning one Quinn into five, posting the original idea in a PPMB thread on new fanfic ideas in July 2002. The idea proved strangely popular and drew many responses. In addition, there was a “Sick Sad World” segment from the fifth-season “Daria” episode, “Sappy Anniversary,” repeated here from the script on Outpost Daria (www.outpost-daria.com): “How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang and wreaking havoc with police lineups. Delinquent quintuplets, next on ‘Sick Sad World.’” Bingo! With Mike’s kind permission, I borrowed his idea and have abused it here.

This story is based on Glenn Eichler’s script for the first “Daria” episode, “Esteemsters” (also found on Outpost Daria). As such, certain events and bits of dialogue are repeated, though not exactly as they occurred in the real show. Keep in mind as you read that none of the Quinnts are identical to Quinn; even Quinn Louise represents a fragment of what the Quinn we know had the potential to be, so she is identified with a double name to separate her from the Quinn of the regular “Daria” series.

It should be noted that other authors (including Mike) have expressed an interest in writing their own versions of Quinn as quintuplets. The more alternate universes, the better, I say. You can never have too much of the infinite.

Acknowledgements: My heartfelt gratitude goes out to Mike Yamiolkoski, who came up with this weird idea in the first place and gave me many notes on possible setups. He is to blame for the idea, but not the execution, which is my fault alone.

Also deserving of credit are: WacoKid and Hiergargo (whose ideas on Quinnt personalities paralleled and aided mine in many places); Robert Nowall and Thea Zara (who suggested some of the Quinnt first names I used here); and MrMagnum (who suggested some Quinnt names I used as middle names). All this happened in July 2002, so if I credited you and you don’t remember why I did it, just be happy. Thanks also to Brandon League, who reminded me of the bouncy-hair thing.

The wonderful beta-readers for this story were (in no particular order): Ace Trax, Brandon League, MMan, Crusading Saint, Robert Nowall, Deref, Ben Breeck, Steven Galloway, Thea Zara, THM, and Tafka. Thank you for your feedback and excellent suggestions, which greatly improved this script.

THE MORGENDORFFER QUINNTS

[The following information is my own “character bible” for this story and any future ones in this series. It should help readers adjust to the Quinnts in quick order.—Roger]

During a routine medical checkup in the mid-1980s, a novice lawyer named Helen Morgendorffer of Highland, Texas, was accidentally given a shoddy fertility drug instead of an antibiotic shot. When she discovered she was carrying quintuplets later that year, she settled out of court with the responsible hospital for unlimited free medical care for her family for as long as she remained in Highland. Helen and her husband, Jake, established a small business for the purpose of gaining endorsements from various baby-food, diaper, and toy corporations catering to their quintuplets, in the hopes that the money flow from advertising would offset the costs of childrearing. The Quinnts, as the Morgendorffers’ five girls came to be called (after the oldest, Quinn), proved to be charming and adorable in the extreme. They became commercial models, then actresses, with their own movies, toy lines, books, fashion accessories, and fan club in the same vein as the Olsen twins. The Quinnts’ fame grew, the money flow rose dramatically, and the corporation, Quinnts Inc. (originally called The Mighty Quinnts), soon achieved extraordinary power. Helen and Jake found themselves involved full-time in corporate activities as legal and business managers, respectively, helping their five youngest daughters develop their talents and abilities to the greatest possible degree. Jake and Helen have one older daughter, Daria, who is almost never mentioned in the media (at least, not in a favorable light).

All of the Morgendorffer Quinnts have the exact same face, (original) hair color, voice, height, and build as Quinn Morgendorffer from the regular “Daria” series. Their personalities are very similar. They vary for the most part in hairstyle, dress, interests, and mannerisms (including different speech patterns). Think of the original Quinn separated into five separate Quinns, each borrowing one aspect of her personality and interests and running off with it. They tend to argue and bicker among themselves.

Quinn Louise (“Quinn”) Morgendorffer

Thumbnail: High-fashion girl, Quinnts coordinator, cheery but proper, has a degree of maturity (but with a power-seeking manipulative streak), image conscious at all times

Mnemonic: The oldest Quinnt has Quinn’s name (and her fanfic-approved middle name). She is like the original Quinn—but with a dark, sophisticated twist.

Hair: Long and professionally styled in latest trends

Typical Clothing: Ultra-stylish, top European or American labels, expensive, tasteful

Activities: Teenage high-end fashion model (international reputation), chairman of Quinnts Fan Club

Unusual Skills: The most personally charismatic of the Quinnts, adept at interviews

Speech Patterns: Extraordinarily diplomatic, unfailingly cheerful and polite in public

Smells Like: High-class expensive perfume

Best Friend: Sandi Griffin (same grade, one year older)

Romantic Interests: Famous teenage male movie stars, singers, models, etc. (none from Lawndale); many male students want to date her but can’t get her attention

Appointments: Right on time or fashionably late, as appropriate

Daria’s View of Quinn: The prettiest cobra ever hatched

Quinn’s View of Daria: “She’s not the oldest—I am the oldest.” A rival for parental affection that will never win, an embittered failure, social outcast, loser

Queenie Dawn (“Queenie”) Morgendorffer

Thumbnail: Party girl, lives for the moment and all the fun she can create

Mnemonic: “Queenie” is queen of the party girls, and “Dawn” has a cheery aspect to it.

Hair: Long topknot ponytail

Typical Clothing: Wears revealing outfits, always in school colors

Activities: Cheerleader, Pep Club vice president, models everyday teen clothing and Lawndale school outfits

Unusual Skills: Can hold alcohol better than any other Quinnt, rumormonger, lies easily

Speech Patterns: Loud, brassy, interrupts, swears like a longshoreman if angry or drunk

Smells Like: Cheap perfume, beer (after school)

Best Friend: Brittany Taylor (one grade ahead), all other cheerleaders

Romantic Interest: Charles “Upchuck” Ruttheimer III (one grade ahead, trades dirty jokes with him constantly, to his delight), Three J’s, constantly hit on by Kevin Thompson (one grade ahead) but she has no interest in him because he’s Brittany’s boyfriend

Appointments: Usually won’t show up at all

Daria’s View of Queenie: Queen of the bigmouths, dumber than she seems, troublemaker

Queenie’s View of Daria: Not printable

Quincy Lee (“Quince” or “Quincy”) Morgendorffer

Thumbnail: Sports girl, athlete, tomboy

Mnemonic: “Quincy” is a boy’s name, and Quincy is an athletic tomboy. “Lee” also has a masculine sound to it.

Hair: Layered, stylish pixie cut, worn on the long side

Typical Clothing: Sports outfits (with t-shirts), clothing with sports logos, sweat suits

Activities: Basketball, soccer, track, sports clothing and sneaker modeling

Unusual Skills: Stronger/faster than other Quinnts, studies popular martial arts but not in great depth, eats a lot but doesn’t seem to gain weight

Speech Patterns: Doesn’t talk much, clipped phrases, blunt, says what she means

Smells Like: Sweat, deodorant, beer (on weekends in secret), soap/shampoo (on dates)

Best Friend: Ms. Morris (girl’s coach), who sees Quincy as a potential all-around athletic star for Lawndale

Romantic Interest: Evan (one grade ahead, track team), Three J’s (likes them all)

Appointments: Unpredictable—might show up early, late, on time, or not at all, except to sporting events, when she’s always early

Daria’s View of Quincy: Soccer-brain, dopey sports addict, too strong to fight fairly

Quincy’s View of Daria: Nutcase, won’t fight fairly, brain full of useless garbage, loser

Quill Kelly (“Quill”) Morgendorffer

Thumbnail: Study girl, homework queen, parent/teacher pleaser, Miss Perfect

Mnemonic: “Quill” implies quill pens, writing, literacy; also think of a “Kelly Girl” office helper

Hair: Long hair kept rolled in a bun, or similar conservative style

Typical Clothing: Prim conservative executive outfits, sensible shoes

Activities: Reading, ingratiating herself to adults, writing school newspaper opinion column, models conservative clothing

Unusual Skills: Extensive knowledge of the law (from Helen), forger and petty thief; reads extensively but rarely in depth, tends to skim materials or read only introductions

Speech Patterns: Generally quiet, calm, precise diction (big words borrowed from Daria or a thesaurus), insults sisters using Shakespearean terms

Smells Like: Flowery soaps, perfumes stolen from Quinn Louise (if seeing Ted)

Best Friend: Jodie Landon (who doesn’t completely trust Quill); Quill otherwise associates with parents, teachers, and other adults, but rarely her own peer group

Romantic Interest: Ted DeWitt-Clinton (one grade ahead, once he appears at Lawndale)

Appointments: Always early by about 10 minutes.

Daria’s View of Quill: Brownnoser, butt-kisser, suck-up, not as smart as she pretends

Quill’s View of Daria: Messed-up brain not plugged into the system, loser

Qualla Rae (“Qual” or “Qualla”) Morgendorffer

Thumbnail: Alternative girl, “the baby” (by an agonizing half hour for Helen), wants to be different but also fit in with her own crowd

Mnemonic: “Qualla” sounds a lot like “koala,” the small cute marsupial that actually has a bad temperament and either pees on or bites people who hold it. “Rae” is the shortest (smallest) of the middle names for the Quinnts, too.

Hair: Often dyes her long hair black, blood red, purple, streaked, etc.

Typical Clothing: Wears a variety of outsider outfits (Perky Goth, punk, Wiccan, native, trash/torn, etc., whatever shocks but has a touch of style)

Activities: Hanging out with other “cool” outsiders, writing bad poetry, disrespecting authority, complaining about being punished, modeling unusual clothing

Unusual Skills: Knows much outsider trivia and gossip, loose cultist ties

Speech Patterns: Tries to say everything in dark, moody, angst-ridden terms, but she mixes up her phrases or screws up her words; tends to whine

Smells Like: Incense, cloves, chewing gum, pot (at times)

Best Friend: Andrea (one grade ahead, but she has trouble stomaching Qualla Rae)

Romantic Interest: Mystik Spiral members (groupie wannabe, but the members avoid her), any outsider boy with cool clothing and a bad attitude

Appointments: Always late by 10 minutes or more

Daria’s View of Qualla: Fashionably alienated with emphasis on the “alien” part, attention-getter with no attention span, poser without poise

Qualla’s View of Daria: Boring, brainy, loner, loser

QUINNTS

Episode #101: Extremesters

Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

—Lord Acton

INT = Interior scene

EXT = Exterior scene

VO = Voice over (off screen)

1. EXT: SCHOOL DAY, EARLY MORNING, ON A HIGHWAY APPROACHING LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

Jake Morgendorffer drives a very large orange-red SUV through Lawndale, taking his six daughters to their first day of school at Lawndale High. The SUV—a custom-made, stretched Ford Expedition—has brightly colored stickers and logos on it, advertising a variety of cosmetics, clothing, food, and other firms catering to the wants and needs of teenage girls, the way Indy 500 race cars have stickers and logos advertising oil, gas, and tire companies. Prominent among the logos is a large one for Waif magazine.

On each of the two front doors of the SUV is painted a large logo consisting of a Q with a 5 inside it, below which appears in smaller letters: QUINNTS INCORPORATED (all in white lettering). The SUV interior has three rows of custom-made leather seats; it is also outfitted with every high-tech entertainment, cosmetic, and refreshment device known or imagined. The front passenger seat is held by Quinn Louise, with the other Quinnts filling the middle two rows of the SUV. The Quinnts look as described below (see also their thumbnail descriptions at this story’s end). All are fourteen years old, though Quinn Louise carries herself in a mature manner.

Quinn Louise: Very chic light blue dress, stockings, small tasteful amount of jewelry, light blue high heels, lipstick, long red hair cut to look stylishly uncombed.

Queenie Dawn: Blue t-shirt cut short to show midriff, short yellow skirt (Lawndale High colors), white socks, expensive white sneakers, bright pink lipstick.

Quincy Lee: Athletic sweat suit with yellow chest, blue arms and pants (Lawndale High colors), white socks, battered white sneakers, long pixie cut, no lipstick.

Quill Kelly: Light brown jacket and skirt, ivory blouse, brown shoes, lipstick, looks like a well-dressed librarian or mid-level executive.

Qualla Rae: Dark purple and black Goth gown, lace gloves with finger holes, purple lipstick, black high boots with high heels, hair dyed black with orange tiger stripes.

The Quinnts listen to personal CD players and earphones, reading the latest issue of Waif magazine. Queenie Dawn bobs her head and silently mouths the words to her music.

In the far back of the SUV, behind a wire-mesh screen typically used for containing dogs, is Daria, dressed as usual (green jacket, black skirt, orange t-shirt, black boots, round glasses). She is hunched up in the narrow space between the last row of seats and the rear hatchback door. She reads a book while sitting on a folded-up blanket.

JAKE: Girls, all of you, I just want you to know that your mother and I realize it’s not easy moving to a brand new town during a school year—especially for you, Daria, right?

No one answers. Jake frowns and glances in the rear-view mirror.

JAKE: [voice rises] Daria?

QUINN LOUISE: [lifts earphones for a moment] She has earplugs in, Dad.

JAKE: What? [shouts] Daria, take out those earplugs!

QUINN LOUISE: She can’t hear you, Dad. She . . . [sighs] . . . forget it. [puts earphones back on]

JAKE: [lower voice] I’m a little worried about Daria. She doesn’t make friends as easily as . . . um, you know, some people.

QUILL KELLY: [behind Jake, removes earphones] Not like socially skilled types, you mean, not that I’m naming anyone in particular.

JAKE: Well, that’s not what I meant, necessarily. The first day at a new school is certain to be difficult for everyone, and probably more so for Daria, because . . . you know.

QUILL KELLY: Don’t I ever.

QUALLA RAE: [in third row back, chewing gum, takes off earphones, makes a face looking out a window] I still don’t see why we had to move to Lawndale instead of somewhere fun like—

QUILL KELLY: —the zoo. [looks at Qualla Rae, covers mouth with hand in false embarrassment] Oh, sorry! Did I say that out loud?

QUALLA RAE: [scowls, stops chewing gum] Big mouth, bitty brain.

QUILL KELLY: [reading Waif again] I know you are, but what am I?

QUALLA RAE: Does it hurt when you have a really big thought?

Quinn Louise, in the front seat, rolls her eyes at this exchange.

QUINN LOUISE: [bored] We’re in Lawndale because Mom and Dad want us to grow up among regular people in heartland America, not Hollywood types. Plus, we’re centrally located next to two Interstates, an airport, and a major metropolis. Isn’t that right, Dad?

JAKE: [cheerfully] That’s it, kiddo!

QUILL KELLY: [looking at Waif] Dad, Crewe Neck isn’t exactly a regular subdivision. It’s a gated community full of mansions owned by millionaires who don’t even work in their own flowerbeds or mow their lawns.

QUINCY LEE: [disgusted look at Quill Kelly] You wanna mow? Get a mower and mow.

QUILL KELLY: [looking at Waif] Can I borrow the one you used on your hair?

QUINCY LEE: Sure. When you’re done with the lawn, you can trim your bikini area with it, too.

Quill Kelly looks up from Waif at Quincy Lee, shocked. Qualla Rae gasps in delight.

JAKE: [frowns while driving, puzzled] What was that?

QUINCY LEE, QUINN LOUISE, AND QUILL KELLY: Nothing, Dad!

Everyone is quiet for a few moments.

QUALLA RAE: Maybe the zoo would’ve been a good idea. We could have dropped off Number Six in the loser pen. [nods head toward rear of SUV, where Daria sits]

QUILL KELLY: [mumbles under her breath] And you in the weirdo pen next to it.

Quincy Lee and Quill Kelly smirk. Qualla Rae scratches her nose with her middle finger, looking meaningfully at Quill Kelly. Quinn Louise ignores the conversation from here on and goes back to reading Waif in its French edition. Queenie Dawn is too involved in her music to notice. Daria does not react, of course, since she has earplugs in.

JAKE: [tired voice] Now, girls, let’s stick together. We’re all Morgendorffers!

QUILL KELLY: [looking back at Daria] Speaking of which, did we ever have her genetically tested? Not that I’m implying anything, but hospitals do make mistakes.

The SUV pulls into the school grounds and stops near the entrance. The Quinnts take off their earphones, turn off their CD players, and stuff them into their designer backpacks in a rush. Each backpack is soft white leather and has the orange-red Q5 logo on it.

JAKE: Now, we didn’t bring security guards with us because we want you all to fit in and do your thing. The principal assured me the school was secure enough. Remember, even though you’re famous, we’re just regular people. I just don’t want any of you girls to get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to you!

2. EXT: A MOMENT LATER, FRONT OF LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

The Quinnts ignore him and get out of the SUV. Immediately, shrieks and shouts go up from students everywhere. All students within view run toward the Quinnts with wildly excited expressions. Jane Lane also appears, walking to school as usual. She stops, staring in astonishment at the Morgendorffer Quinnts. She turns around and notices three cars and vans from local TV and radio stations, recording the event with cameras and mikes. She then looks back at the mobbed Quinnts.

STUDENTS: [chaotic wild shouts] It’s them! The Morgendorffer quintuplets! They’re here! The Quinnts! There they are! Ohmigod! The Quinnts! Look!

Several hundred screaming, shouting, waving, cheering students instantly surround the Quinnts, each one eagerly trying to talk to them and get their autographs. The Fashion Club pushes its way to the front of the mob.

STACY: [overexcited and hyperventilating] Sandi! [gasp] It’s them! [gasp, to Quinn Louise] You’re [gasp] Quinn Louise, right? [gasp] I’m Stacy [gasp] Rowe! Wow!

QUINN LOUISE: [smiles] Quinn Louise Morgendorffer, the oldest! Quinn will do.

TIFFANY: [awestruck] Yooou are sooo coool!

SANDI: [to Quinn Louise] Hi, welcome to Lawndale! I’m Sandi Griffin, president of the Lawndale Fashion Club, and I would love—

TIFFANY: [to Quinn] Dooo I look faaat to yooou?

SANDI: [to Quinn Louise, louder] —I would love to invite you to my house after school today or later this week for a special get-together if you—

QUEENIE DAWN: [interrupts, screaming] Hey, Lawndale! We’re here! Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee!

MANY STUDENTS: [taking up Queenie Dawn’s chant] Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee! Paaar-teee!

QUEENIE DAWN: [sees Brittany Taylor, looks excited] Oh, you’re wearing Lawndale’s colors, too! Did I get them right?

BRITTANY: [to Queenie Dawn] You sure did! I’m Brittany Taylor. You have the house behind ours in Crewe Neck! This is my boyfriend, Ke—

QUEENIE DAWN: (to Brittany] Are you a cheerleader? Can I join? I need something my mom can tell a college that I did.

KEVIN: [ogling Queenie Dawn’s bra-enhanced breasts] You’re qualified to be a cheerleader, all right!

BRITTANY: [smacks Kevin] Hey! Eyes above the neck, jerk!

JEFFY: [to Queenie Dawn] Will you—

JOEY: [to Quincy Lee] —go out—

JAMIE: [to Quinn Louise, who ignores him] —with me?

QUEENIE DAWN: [to Jeffy] Hey, yeah! I’ll go out with everyone! Line up!

QUINCY LEE: [to Joey, calm] Are you into sports?

JOEY: [to Quincy Lee] I’m a lineman for our football team, the Lawndale Lions.

QUINCY LEE: [to Joey] Sure, I’ll go out with you, then. Where’s the rest of the team?

QUINN LOUISE: [talks to the worshipful Fashion Club, her back to the eager Jamie] But I would have to say that Paris is the best place to go in Europe for culture and fun, although Prague—Prague has a special Bohemian atmosphere of its own, definitely worth a weekend visit. If you want a good hotel, try—

We switch to Jodie Landon, who is greeting Quill Kelly.

JODIE LANDON: [to Quill Kelly] You’re Quill, right? The writer? I’m Jodie Landon. I think you have the house two doors down from ours in Crewe Neck.

QUILL KELLY: [shakes hands with Jodie] Pleased to meet you. Yes, I’m the lone intellectual in the family—the only sane one, anyway.

JODIE: [smiles] There aren’t many intellectuals around here, I’m afraid. You’re in the ‘burbs, now.

QUILL KELLY: [smiles back] You and I make two, right? [points to a book Jodie’s carrying] Oh, I read that—the first chapter, anyway. I really liked what she—

COREY: [pushes through crowd to Quill Kelly] Will you go out with me?

QUILL KELLY: [without missing a beat] I might, if you take an IQ test and mail the results to me.

COREY: [to Quill Kelly, thrilled] All right! [runs off]

Quill Kelly smirks, and Jodie laughs hesitantly, eyeing Quill with a trace of unease.

From his seat in the stretch SUV, Jake watches the mob scene with mild anxiety. He sees Qualla Rae surrounded by punks, Goths, and skaters, telling a story he can’t hear, to which the outsider crowd reacts with excitement. We move in to hear what she’s saying.

QUALLA RAE: [casual] Yeah, Ozzy’s really cool. You should meet his family. They’re such a scream! I love ‘em. They really should make a TV show about them someday.

Jake shakes his head. He pulls away from the school and almost reaches the main road before he looks in the rear-view mirror—and sees Daria is still in the far back of the SUV, reading and oblivious to everything.

JAKE: [startled] Uh-oh.

Jake pulls the SUV back into the curved drive in a U-turn. Once back at the high school’s main entrance, he stops the SUV, gets out, and walks to the back, where he opens the hatchback door. Daria looks up and pulls out her earplugs. She swings her legs out of the rear of the car, leaves her book behind in the SUV, and puts on her plain gray backpack. Her face betrays no expression except a certain weariness and resignation.

DARIA: [deadpan] Thanks. I think.

JAKE: Oh! Daria, before you go— [reaches into his suit pocket]

DARIA: [turns to Jake, grimaces] Dad, I don’t need those.

JAKE: [pulls bottle of pills from pocket] Now, Daria, if the doctor says you have to take them, who are we to argue? And we do want to keep your spirits up, kiddo! Damn it, I don’t have any bottled water with me.

DARIA: [holds out a hand] Just give it here, and I’ll take it when I get to a drinking fountain. Or a handy toilet.

JAKE: [cringes] Ewww! Daria!

DARIA: [resigned look] Joke, Dad.

JAKE: Oh! Right! [shudders, then gives Daria two pills from the bottle] Here’s the one for lunch, too. And listen, kiddo, don’t be upset if it takes the other kids time to . . . [stops, as Daria has walked off out of hearing range]

Jake looks sadly after Daria. He shrugs, puts the pill bottle back in his pocket, gets into the SUV again, and drives away.

Jane Lane, standing to one side, watches the SUV’s return and Daria’s exit. Jane’s eyes widen; she appears to recognize Daria, and her mouth forms a small round “o” as she walks over to greet Daria. Meanwhile, Daria—ignored by everyone else—looks back, sees that her father is gone, and drops the pills on the sidewalk. She stamps them into white smears with a boot heel. Daria then reaches in her green jacket and takes out a small metallic flask; she unscrews the cap and knocks back a fast swig, then flinches and makes a bitter “yuck” face. As Daria recaps her flask, Jane walks up to her.

DARIA: [sees Jane] If you’re going to shoot me, I won’t hold it against you.

JANE: You wouldn’t be Daria, by any chance?

DARIA: [coughs, dabs sleeve to mouth, deadpan] The sixth Quinnt, that’s me. [gestures at Quinnts] The main show’s over there. Hurry, before the rush starts.

JANE: Mmmm, maybe another time. [sniffs the air, then eyes the flask Daria holds loosely in one hand] I saw you on that two-hour “Sick Sad World” special a few months ago. You’re a writer, right? Short stories and poems?

DARIA: I was, but my moment of fame has already passed. I can still hear that eternal footman snickering.

JANE: Care to see the magnificent desolation that is Lawndale High, in the company of an experienced and morally corrupt tour guide? I’m Jane, by the way. Jane Lane.

DARIA: Sure. I love desolation. Sounds like my kind of place.

JANE: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” That’s our motto.

DARIA: It sounds familiar. Damned if I can place it.

JANE: No one can prove we stole it. We have a few minutes before the first bell. The principal takes the new students on the official tour, so we’ll do the unauthorized short tour and view the naked underbelly of Lawndale High firsthand.

DARIA: Lead on, Virgil—but first, I have to refuel. [raises flask, unscrewing cap again]

JANE: [eyes Daria’s flask with concern] You should cut back on the Jägermeister before eight a.m. on a school day.

DARIA: It’s for medicinal purposes only. [offers flask to Jane, cap still on] Need something for a little owie?

JANE: [takes flask, screws cap on tight, and puts it inside her red jacket] Sorry, bar’s closed.

DARIA: [anxiously reaches for flask] Hey!

JANE: [holds jacket closed with one hand, holds up other hand to ward Daria off] Uh-uh! Friends don’t let friends drink before they meet Principal Li. Trust me on this. Bad deal.

Jane studies Daria’s reaction. Daria eyes the bulge in Jane’s jacket pocket where the flask now rests, but she sighs in defeat.

DARIA: [depressed tone] So much for breakfast.

JANE: [concerned, but tries cheery note] There’s chocolate in my locker.

DARIA: I’ve been here only five minutes, and I’m already your slave.

JANE: [smiles] I work fast. C’mon, I’ll give you the lowdown on Lawndale.

DARIA: [looks back at the mobbed Quinnts] Are you sure you’ve got the right Morgendorffer? The fun, cool ones are over there.

JANE: [glances at Quinnts] No offense to them, but I don’t think so.

DARIA: Bet you a twenty that all five have dates before lunch.

JANE: Ha! I must have my stupid face on.

Jane and Daria head off together into the school building.

3. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

Jane is showing Daria around the school. No one pays any attention to them at all.

JANE: [gesturing into a room] And this is the science lab. I know a kid who set his whole lab desk on fire last year. He turned his Bunsen burner into a miniature flamethrower. It was an accident—or so he said.

DARIA: And people say our generation has no potential.

JANE: Speaking of that potential thing, I wanted to ask you about your writing. What—

DARIA: [interrupts] I’m on a creative sabbatical. Make sure the tabloids understand what “sabbatical” means; last time I said it, one of them thought I was joining a convent.

JANE: [playing along] I’ll speak slowly and clearly for them. So, you’re taking time off from your writing?

DARIA: [looks away] Something like that. Writer’s block. Writer’s concrete block, more like it.

JANE: Listen, I’d like to read anything you’ve got that—

DARIA: [interrupts] I’d better find the principal and get the official tour before I’m declared missing in action. Is the office around here?

JANE: [taken aback] Uh, okay, sure. [points] The office is down the hall that way. The other new students will—

DARIA: Great. I’d better get going. Thanks for the tour, Jane. See you around.

Daria walks off, leaving Jane with a surprised look on her face.

JANE: [puzzled] Hmmm. I wonder if it was something I said. [raises one arm and sniffs her underarm, lowers her arm] Yeah, it was something I said. But what?

4. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

Daria, the Quinnts, and about a half-dozen other new students are being shown around Lawndale High School by Principal Li. Daria trails the group; she does not appear well, and her arms are crossed over her stomach as if it hurt. She swallows and appears sweaty as the principal speaks.

PRINCIPAL LI: [beams at the Quinnts in particular] So, as you clearly see, Laaawndale High School is the finest educational facility in the region. Our security system is second to none, though I really can’t say any more about it, or it won’t be secure! Ha ha! [no one laughs] Yes, um, and to keep our reputation absolutely spotless, we arrange for each new student to take an insignificant psychological exam—you wonderful Quinnts as well!—to spot any dark little clouds on the horizon as you sail upon the mighty seas of knowledge! The psychologist’s office is right over here.

DARIA: [sudden look of dread, softly] Uh-oh. [burps, looks more ill]

Several Quinnts sneak interested glances at Daria.

QUINN LOUISE: [clears throat, diplomatic tone] Ms. Li, I should let you know that—

QUEENIE DAWN: Hey, nobody said anything about us taking a test!

QUILL KELLY: It’s a mental exam. You’re exempt.

QUEENIE DAWN: Oh, good.

Daria backs out of the student group, appearing pale and ill, and leaves quickly.

QUINN LOUISE: [pulls a folded paper from her backpack, gives it to Principal Li] Our mother, who is a practicing attorney licensed in this state, has certain special instructions concerning any psychological testing that we Morgendorffer Quinnts receive.

PRINCIPAL LI: You’re joking, right? [unfolds and reads paper] Oh. You’re not joking. [reads further, looks insulted] Well, of course I’d never sell private information about my students to the media. [sighs, folds paper and puts it in her pocket] Very well, I’ll speak with our school psychologist about your confidentiality arrangements. Your mother has a lot of nerve. I would never dream of giving anyone’s psychological test results to the National Inquisitor in exchange for a new science lab—never!

QUILL KELLY: [soft whisper] That’s not what our spy at the National Inquisitor said.

Qualla Rae snaps her chewing gum loudly. Everyone looks at her.

PRINCIPAL LI: [points to trash can nearby] If you would, please. [forced smile] We don’t want to set a bad example for the other students!

QUILL KELLY: [under her breath] As if that were possible in this dump.

Qualla Rae, looking angry, throws out her gum.

QUINCY LEE: [whisper] She shoots, she scores, two points for the mutant team.

Qualla Rae glares at Quincy Lee.

PRINCIPAL LI: All right, follow me. Let’s get introduced to Mrs. Manson, even if you aren’t going to take any revealing tests—this time. [leads the new students away]

QUALLA RAE: [at end of line, under her breath] Mrs. Manson? Did Charlie get married in prison? [looks around, low voice] Hey, where’s Daria?

Several of the Quinnts hear this and look around, but Daria is no longer with their group. They glance uneasily at Principal Li, who hasn’t noticed, but they say nothing more about Daria’s disappearance and follow Ms. Li instead.

5. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, GIRL’S RESTROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

Her face white as snow, Daria stands before a sink in the girls’ restroom, leaning forward with her hands gripping either side of the sink. Her head is lowered, and she looks exhausted. The door to the restroom opens, and Jane comes in. Jane stops in surprise when she sees Daria. Daria glances up just long enough to see Jane in the mirror, then looks down into the sink again.

JANE: Hey, are you all right?

DARIA: [rough, low voice] M’okay. I think. [pause, coughs, spits into the sink] The Jägermeister didn’t agree with me.

JANE: [walks up beside Daria, very concerned] You’re not motion sick from the little tour I gave you, are you?

DARIA: [shakes head] No, I’m okay now. [coughs] Jane?

JANE: Yeah?

DARIA: I’m not like this, really. I’m not. I’m just a little rattled upstairs. It’s the jet lag.

JANE: I thought you said your family drove here.

DARIA: There, that proves my point. Just a little rattled.

JANE: [concerned] You need to go home?

DARIA: [shakes head] No. I’ll stick it out today. [coughs] Do me a favor?

JANE: I can’t shoot you until we get to my house.

Daria smiles faintly into the sink.

DARIA: Deal. Please don’t tell anyone about this—not for a little while. Give me a week to get my head together, if you can.

JANE: Tell anyone? What do you mean? Who would I tell?

DARIA: [spits into sink again] The . . . the . . . if you tell the . . . never mind.

JANE: The teachers?

DARIA: No, the . . . [waves a hand] Forget it. I’m okay. [pause] That flask you took?

JANE: [eyes Daria carefully] Yeah?

DARIA: [coughs] Please throw it away, or keep it as a souvenir, but hide it somewhere where I can’t see it. I’m gonna quit this time, for real. Just don’t put it on e-Bay or give it— [coughs] —don’t give it to the . . . you know.

JANE: [puzzled expression] Parents? FBI? Don’t worry about it.

DARIA: [nods] Thanks. I was . . . a little nervous. First day of school, new home, new city. I’m okay now.

JANE: [not buying it, but agreeable] I’m okay with your being okay, if you’re okay with it. Okay?

Daria nods, not smiling and still looking into the sink. She then pushes back and wipes her mouth with one hand, then washes her hands with soap and wipes off her face.

DARIA: [while washing] I appreciated your showing me around.

JANE: Sure. That’s what friends are for.

Daria digests this comment, looking into the sink.

DARIA: [low voice] That would be a first.

JANE: A first for what?

DARIA: Nothing. [takes a deep breath, looks at Jane] I have to see the school psychologist, for some kind of testing. Do you know what kind of tests she gives?

JANE: Inkblots, that’s about it. I got sent to her at the start of ninth grade—long story—and all she gave me was the inkblot, five or six of them.

DARIA: Rorschach test.

JANE: [smiles] I was afraid I’d mispronounce it.

DARIA: She doesn’t do draw-a-person, play with dolls, MMPI-2, anxiety-depression measures, any of that?

JANE: [smile fades] No. I’ve never heard of—

DARIA: Good. I know what to say to get out of inkblots, if I keep my temper. With any luck, she’ll get bored with me and pick on my sisters instead.

JANE: Favorite fantasy of yours?

DARIA: Do androids dream of electric sheep?

JANE: Are cubists always looking for a new angle?

DARIA: [smiles, appears calmer] Inkblots I can deal with. Um—what happens if you give a troubling response?

JANE: You get sent to Mr. O’Neill’s self-esteem class after school. It’s mind-bendingly dull, but not fatal—as far as is known, anyway.

DARIA: I can imagine what that’s like entirely too well. I’ve had enough people looking into my brain lately. [stops, looks surprised] Listen to me, I sound like— [quickly turns her face away from Jane]

JANE: Like what?

DARIA: [looks back at Jane] I’m done here. Are you going back to class?

JANE: After I use the facilities. Wait for me?

DARIA: Sure. Any— [hesitates, then goes on] —anything for a friend.

They share a smile, though a fleeting one on Daria’s part.

6. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MRS. MANSON’S OFFICE, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

We see Mrs. Manson sitting with Daria at a table. A pile of inkblot sheets lies on the table in front of Mrs. Manson, unused as yet, and a closed file folder is by her right elbow.

MRS. MANSON: Now, Dora—

DARIA: [deadpan] Daria. D-A-R-I-A. My name is all I’ve got left to me. You may as well get it right.

Mrs. Manson frowns, opens the folder, and makes a note on some papers therein, saying “Mmmm.” She then picks up the first card and shows it to Daria.

MRS. MANSON: Daria, what do you see here?

DARIA: Did my sisters have to take this test? I wasn’t gone to the bathroom that long.

MRS. MANSON: Focus on the test, Daria, not what your sisters did or did not do here.

DARIA: [deadpan, but becoming angry] They got out of it, didn’t they? Was it the bouncy hair? Perky smiles? Vague threats of legal action?

MRS. MANSON: [irritated] Come on, Daria, I don’t have all morning.

DARIA: [glares, pause to look at inkblot, deadpan] It’s a picture of two people talking.

MRS. MANSON: Fine. Now, make up a little story for me about what they’re saying.

DARIA: [glares, deadpan] Sure. The big one is saying, “You lose,” and the smaller one is saying, “I always lose. Why is everything in life a rigged contest, and I don’t have a chance?” Now the big one is getting angry, and she pulls out a rulebook and shows it to the smaller one and says, “Here it is, right in the rules—you always lose, no matter what you do. No one cares what you achieve or how smart you are. All that matters is bouncy hair, and you don’t have it.” Then the big one stabs the little one and throws her body in the sewer, where starving rats eat it. All that’s left of her are her glasses, which aren’t stylish or even retro, so they’re thrown out. Bouncy hair wins. The end.

Mrs. Manson stares at Daria a long moment, then drops the card back onto the stack.

MRS. MANSON: [low voice] You may go.

DARIA: [stands up, angry] Do your worst. [exits room]

MRS. MANSON: [opens folder and writes in it, talking to self] Antisocial and potentially dangerous. Consider medication—Prozac?—if not already taking it. Search often for firearms, explosives, suspicious books, and cult symbols. Ask mother about possible use of crack during pregnancy. Should take the self-esteem class repeatedly until the end of the school year. Perhaps a stint as a cheerleader will help.

7. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MR. DEMARTINO’S HISTORY CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

MR. DEMARTINO: Class! A new student is joining our relentless STRUGgle through the pages of HIStory. Will you please welcome Daria MORgendorffer, the oldest of the Morgendorffer quinTUPlets. [gestures at Daria with one hand]

DARIA: [frowns] Excuse me, but I’m not one of the Quinnts.

MR. DEMARTINO: [thinks she’s joking] Of COURSE you’re not. And I’m secretly Prince Charles in disGUISE.

BRITTANY: [confused look on her face] But Mr. DeMartino, isn’t Prince Charles really in New England somewhere?

MR. DEMARTINO: [annoyed] Brittany, you won’t be TESTED over what I just SAID.

BRITTANY: [brightens] Okay! Great!

MR. DEMARTINO: [to Daria and class] We are currently studying the westward exPANsion of the United States. It would be unfair to ask Miss Morgendorffer a question on her first day of CLASS, so we will try someone ELSE’S knowledge. Miss LANE!

JANE: [looks up from drawing in a sketchbook, in the back of the room] Damn.

MR. DEMARTINO: Miss LANE, please tell the class what you reMEMber about the doctrine of Manifest DEStiny.

JANE: [uneasy, thinking fast] It . . . had a lot to do with covered wagons. [closes eyes] Moving west. Taking over America. Land that would become America, I mean.

MR. DEMARTINO: Close eNOUGH, Miss Lane. [Jane looks relieved] It was a SLOgan used to justify westward exPANsion by American settlers, taking land that belonged to MEXico. Can anyone tell me the name of the WAR that this doctrine of Manifest Destiny was used to JUStify?

Daria raises her hand. Mr. DeMartino sees her, but he ignores her.

MR. DEMARTINO: Mr. THOMPson! The answer, PLEASE!

KEVIN: Uh, the Second World War?

MR. DEMARTINO: We’re working on the 1840s, Kevin, NOT the 1940s. Please try to keep up with the REST of us!

KEVIN: Um, the First World War? Or was there a war before that?

MR. DEMARTINO: I’m going to start DRINKING again if I can’t find a student who isn’t SUFfering from a NEURON deficiency!

Only Daria’s hand is raised. Mr. DeMartino sighs, unwilling to do this.

MR. DEMARTINO: [to Daria] I’m violating the STRICTest orders of the principal to never subject a Quinnt to public humiliATION, but I feel a need to earn my SALary, meager as it IS! Miss MORgendorffer—the answer, please!

DARIA: The Mexican War, or the War with Mexico.

MR. DEMARTINO: [visibly relieved, low voice] Once again, I dodge the bullet. [regular voice] Moving aLONG, would someone care to briefly exPLAIN how the entry of Texas into the Union was complicated by the issue of SLAvery?

Daria again raises her hand, the only student to do so. Mr. DeMartino ignores her.

MR. DEMARTINO: If no one can give me a one-sentence ANswer to that question, there will be a one-page essay quiz TOMORROW!

Students gasp and groan in horror. Daria is still the only student with a hand up.

MR. DEMARTINO: [ignoring Daria] Very WELL—an essay quiz it IS! Be prepared to wax at LENGTH on the entwined issues of Texas statehood and SLAvery. And Kevin—the Alamo had NOTHING to do with CAR rentals! Remember the OTHER Alamo!

KEVIN: What other Alamo?

DARIA: [hand still up] I know the answer to your question.

MR. DEMARTINO: [finally looks at Daria] Miss MORgendorffer, PLEASE—just give it a REST!

Daria lowers her arm, looking confused and a bit angry.

8. INT: THAT EVENING, DINING ROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME

We first see a brief exterior view of the Morgendorffers’ home, a pleasant mansion on a forested lot in Crewe Neck. Jake, Helen, and the five Quinnts sit around the dining room table. Three casserole dishes full of half-eaten lasagna sit before them. Daria’s space at the table is empty, but no one seems to notice.

QUILL KELLY: [in the middle of speaking] . . . but even if he’s kind of a wimp, Mr. O’Neil is very well read. He said we were going to read Romeo and Juliet, and I said—

QUALLA RAE: [staring morosely at lasagna on her plate] Can we please talk about hiring a chef again? We’ve had lasagna ever since—

HELEN: Qualla. Let Quill talk.

QUILL KELLY: [with a triumphant glance at Qualla Rae]. . . so I said, “If you don’t have a Shakespeare Club, can I start one?”

QUEENIE DAWN: [makes a face] You’re not actually going to read that junk, are you? It’s not even in English!

QUILL KELLY: I can read the Cliff Notes and wing it. Besides, it would look good on my academic resume.

QUALLA RAE: [sulky] Not.