©2003 by Roger E. Moore (email@example.com)
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Synopsis: A Daria/Koyaanisqatsi crossover. It is impossible to describe this better than that.
Author’s Notes: This short cartoon script was written because I could not get this damn “impossible crossover” out of my mind once it came to me. It’s been eating my brain for weeks. Here it is. I wash my hands of it. More information on the stunning movie Koyaanisqatsi may be gathered from its official website, http://www.koyaanisqatsi.org/
(which might also help explain some of the humor here to those who haven’t seen it).
INT = Interior scene
EXT = Exterior scene
VO = Voice over (off screen)
1. INT: MOVIE SCREEN
We see a dark movie screen. Suddenly, deep, ominous organ music fills the room in which the movie screen hangs.
[MUSIC: Opening notes of Koyaanisqatsi, but with the word “Quinnisqatsi” (KWIN ih skaht see) being chanted instead, karaoke style, by three teenage males trying to sing in ultra-low bass tones]
JEFFY [VO, snicker, then loud whisper]: Whoa! Your voice sucks, Joey. When’s puberty?
JOEY [VO]: No, you suck, puberty face! [sound of fist striking something]
JEFFY [VO]: Ow!
JAMIE [VO]: Shhh!
MR. O’NEILL [VO]: Now, students, please! Let’s respect each other’s physical personhood and watch the presentation.
A single word appears centered on the screen, in bold capital letters.
TIFFANY [VO]: Whaaat?
SANDI [VO, loud whisper]: “Quinn squats.”
TIFFANY [VO]: Ewww.
QUINN [VO]: That’s not what it is. [pause] That had better not be what that is.
JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE AT ONCE [VO, loud whispers] No! No, that’s not it! Quinn, wait for the next picture! No, it’s not what she said! Wait a second!
The word vanishes and is replaced by the following text on the screen.
Kwin.ih.skaht.si (from the Lawndale High School language), n. 1. Quinn life. 2. Life with Quinn. 3. Quinn world. 4. World with Quinn. 5. Life thinking about Quinn in the world. 6. A way of living that calls for another scrunchie.
TIFFANY [VO]: K-k-kwuh-
JAMIE [VO]: Quinnisqatsi.
SANDI [VO, low voice]: Gesundheit.
TIFFANY [VO]: I didn’t sneeze.
JEFFY AND JOEY [VO]: Shhh!
STACY [VO, worried]: What?
QUINN [VO]: Shhh!
More text appears on the screen, below the above text.
7. A way of living that calls for thinking about Quinn in the world no matter what else is going on around you, at any time and any place, like even during next week’s Homecoming game with Oakwood when someone makes a field goal while thinking of Quinn, and two other guys run into the goal post when they should be watching the Oakwood quarterback, meaning you, Jeffy and Jamie, you lame losers.
JEFFY AND JAMIE [VO]: Hey! Did you put that in there? [sounds of punching]
JOEY [VO]: Ouch! Hey! Stop!
MR. O’NEILL [VO]: Okay, let’s settle down, please. [pause] This movie isn’t what I thought it was going to be.
JAMIE [VO, loud whisper]: You wait till after class, dirtbag.
STACY [VO, whisper]: Quinn, when does the movie start? Did I miss something?
The definition screen vanishes and is replaced by the following text.
THE LAWNDALE PROPHECIES
If we don’t take Quinn out to Chez Pierre at least once a week, we will invite disaster.
Near the Day of Homecoming, there will be toilet paper spun back and forth across the trees around Lawndale High School.
A container of Gatorade might this Friday be poured over Coach’s head after we righteously kick Oakwood’s ass and burn their land and boil their oceans, 42-zip. LAWNDALE ROOLZ!!!
NUMEROUS STUDENTS [VO, shouting and clapping]: Yeah! Right! Kick their ass, Lawndale Lions! Woo-hoo! We rule!
MR. O’NEILL [VO]: Now, students! Please! The movie’s not over yet, I’m afraid.
SANDI [VO, low voice]: Crap.
TIFFANY [VO]: Ewww, Sandi. Language.
On the screen we now see movie images of the suburb of Lawndale—its buildings, parks, streets, everything. Each picture, however, has Quinn in it, standing in different still poses like a model, her long red hair blowing in a light autumn breeze. We see about a dozen such poses.
[MUSIC: The “Organic” track from Koyaanisqatsi, or other New Age orchestra music.]
SANDI [VO, muffled voice]: You can kill me now, God.
As the movie progresses, Quinn (in the scenes) seems to become bored and looks more tired, irritated, and distracted. At one point, she is shown yawning.
SANDI [VO, gasps at the yawning scene]: Oh, the humiliation! I feel for you, Quinn.
QUINN [VO, loud angry whisper]: Someone’s going to pay for that.
JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE AT ONCE [VO] He did it! No, you did it! You suck! It was your fault! You were supposed to—
A scene appears in which it is obvious that Quinn is picking her nose while standing in Lawndale’s Village Green. One stunned second later, raucous laughter breaks out from dozens of students, male and female.
QUINN [VO, loud gasp]: AAAAHH!! NO!!
JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE AT ONCE [VO]: Holy shit!
SANDI [VO, stunned]: Oh, Quinn, you poor—you p— [breaks up into hysterical laughter, poorly muffled]
STACY [VO, hyperventilating]: Ohmigod, Quinn!
TIFFANY [VO, loud whisper]: Ewww. Nose hygiene.
QUINN [VO, shouts]: WHO TOOK THAT?
The movie picture and music cut off. The screen is black. We see nothing, but the loud background laughter from many students continues unabated.
QUINN [VO, shouts]: I’M GOING TO ENTER THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM AND HAVE MY FACE RECONSTRUCTED AND GET A NEW WARDROBE AND NEVER COME BACK HERE!
MR. O’NEILL [VO, quickly]: All right, calm down, please! That concludes our special cinematic presentation from Joey, Jeffy, and Jeremy. Turn on the lights, someone.
JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE AT ONCE [VO]: You left that in, dope! I’m Jamie! No, you left it in! I took it out, you must have put it back in! You suck! No, you suck! Yeah? You suck! [sounds of punching, desks being moved violently, background laughter now mixed with excited cries of “Wow! All right! Go get ‘em!”]
MR. O’NEILL [VO, loudly] Students! Could someone turn on the lights, please? Students! The lights!
QUINN [VO, furious]: I have to leave school now to get my airline ticket!
We fade out to the sound of the three J’s fighting and Sandi’s muffled laughter.