Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar. And to Medea for beta reading it.
 

(Daria's room. Daria and Quinn are sitting on the bed. Quinn is holding a book in her hands)

Quinn: But I don't see what Mustapha Mond means when he says that Soma is their kind of Christianity.

Daria: The people in "Brave new world" have succeeded in creating a perfect society. As Mond puts it "Everyone have what they want, and what they can't have, they don't want". Free sex. No poverty, suffering or crime. But the cost of it is that their society is at a standstill. Every day is like the day before it. The idea is that if they didn't have Soma, they couldn't possibly stand living the way they do. That way Soma is more than just a narcotic. It's their form of salvation.

Quinn: I see. Kind of like when adults use Fontex, or when kids are given Ritalin.

Daria: Good observation. We have the drugs, but not the perfect society. Of course the chances of humanity ever creating any kind of perfect society are nil.

Quinn: Unless you do like in Cambodia and just kill anyone who disagrees with you.

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) You're getting better. Helping you with your homework isn't as bad as I feared it would be.

Quinn: (hopeful) Does that mean...

Daria: No, Quinn. You still have to pay me.

Quinn: (beat) Figures.

Daria: Now for the stuff that can get you an A. Drugs as religion. Doesn't that remind you of something? I'm sure David must have mentioned it.

Quinn: Not really.

Daria: Think, Quinn. I know it hurts. But try to think.

(Quinn sends Daria a dirty look)

Daria: Middle eighteenth century, German guy.

Quinn: What did he look like?

Daria: (sigh) Big beard.

Quinn: Karl Marx.

Daria: Who said what?

Quinn: (excited) That religion is opium for the people. But here it's turned upside down. Opium is religion.

Daria: And that concludes the lesson for today. See you next time, and remember to bring your purse.

Quinn: I do have one more question. But the thing is that it isn't really about schoolwork. It's more about an idea for schoolwork.

Daria: (beat) It's on the house. But this better be good.

Quinn: We have a "free project" in biology. I'm doing it with Stacy. But we can't figure out what to do.

Daria: (smirk) How about how to keep mascara from running?

Quinn: Can't. Sandi and Tiffany are doing that.

Daria: (sigh) Figures. I didn't even know they still had "free project". Thought they'd cancel it after what me and Jane did last year.

Quinn: What did you do?

Daria: We build a machine to steal the talents of football players.

Quinn: (beat) Daria.

Daria: Hey it worked on Kevin. But then Mack made us reverse the process.

Quinn: No. What did you really do?

Daria: We showed how alcohol slows your reactions. Used Trent and his band as test subjects. Ms. Li got worried when she heard about it. But since we broke no rules she couldn't touch us.

Quinn: That doesn't sound too hard.

Daria: (frowns) I wouldn't recommend it to you. If you want my advice you could try and build a mini biosphere. That should get you an A.
 

(Stacy's room. Quinn and Stacy sitting on the bed)

Stacy: A biosphere? How do you do that?

Quinn: As Daria explained it we need an airtight container. That would mean an aquarium. We fill it with earth and water, and we have plants and animals. The tricky part is not to have more animals than the plants can produce oxygen for.

Stacy: Earth. (Looks at her fingernails)

Quinn: We can get one of the guys to help us.

Stacy: What about animals? Can we have a bunny?

Quinn: No, it would eat the plants and suffocate. We'll have to use bugs.

Stacy: (scared) Bugs?

Quinn: Like I said. We can get...

Stacy: (whining) But we'll still have to look at them won't we? I don't want to look at bugs. Isn't there an easier project?

Quinn: Now that you say it. Daria did mention one that sounded easy.
 

(Saturday morning. Helen, Jake and Daria are in the livingroom. Helen and Jake are getting ready to leave)

Jake: You take care, kiddo.

Daria: I will, dad. Good luck with your couple's therapy.

Helen: For the last time. Your father and I are not going to couple's therapy anymore. We're attending a gardening party.

Daria: It was an honest mistake. (smirk) With all the times you two went to couple's therapy.

Helen: (sticks her cheek towards Daria) Kiss.

Daria: That could scar me for life you know.

Helen: Come on. Just one kiss.

Daria: (beat) You're going to a gardening party. I regret if I ever suggested otherwise.

Helen: Good girl.

(Helen and Jake leave)

Daria: (to herself) I must however object to the use of blackmail against your offspring.

(Daria lies on the couch and turns on the TV)

TV: Trouble in the middle east. Next on CNN.

Daria: (voiceover) I hate it when they show reruns.
 

(A few hours later. The doorbell rings)

Daria: (voiceover) Finally. My real parents have come to deliver me from suburbia. Either that or one of Quinn's minions.

(Daria opens the door. It's Stacy)

Stacy: Hi. I'm here to see...

Daria: I know. You're the virgin. Hurry on. They're expecting you in the basement. Can't start the black mass without you.

(Stacy turns and runs away)

Daria: (voiceover) The fashion demon was exorcized in 15 seconds. I'm getting better.

Quinn: (walks down the stairs) I heard the doorbell. Was that Stacy? (sees Stacy running away) Stacy, wait! (runs after her)

Daria: (voiceover) And I was so close. Maybe if I set fire to a Waif magazine.
 

(Later. The doorbell rings again)

Daria: (voiceover) The rest of the demons no doubt, and I have no Waif.

(Daria opens the door. It's the 3 J's. Joey is holding a paper bag in his arms)

Daria: (voiceover) That's a surprise. She's never invited all of them over at once before.

Jamie: Hi. We're here to see...

Daria: Pamela Anderson. I know. You just missed her. But If you run that way... (points down the street) You can still catch her.

Joey: (surprised) Pamela Andersen is here?

Jeffy: Quick. We have to run after her!

Quinn: (storms down the stairs) Guys wait!!

Daria: Damn.
 

(Quinn's room. Quinn, Stacy and the 3 J's are sitting on the floor. Several bottles of wine are in front of them)

Jamie: We've been thinking.

Quinn: (surprised) You've been thinking?

Joey: We're glad to help you and all. But maybe three test subjects are too few. We asked Ms. Barch and she said you need at least five people when you use test subjects.

Quinn: She did? Oh no, now I'll have to ask more people to come over.

Jeffy: You don't have to. You could drink too. And then we could test each other.

Stacy: But shouldn't the controllers keep a clear mind?

Jamie: Hey. If it doesn't work we can always repeat it.

Quinn: You have a point. But me and Stacy are only going to have one glass, no more.

(Considerably more than one glass later)

Quinn: (looks at the timer) That's funny. It looks like you're getting faster the more you drink, Joey.

Stacy: (giggles) Or you're getting slower at pushing the button.

Joey: This wine tastes horribly.

Jeffy: You're the one who said to buy the cheapest they had.

Jamie: Don't you have anything stronger in the house, Quinn?

Quinn: (giggles) You must be crazy. My parents would kill me.

Joey: Only if they find out. Just replace it before they notice.

Quinn: I guess.
 

(The livingroom. Daria is still laying on the couch only now she's reading a book. Joey comes down the stairs. He walks to the liquor cabinet and takes a bottle of whiskey before going back up the stairs)

Daria: (voiceover) Let's see. On the one hand I want to read my book. On the other I just got rather curious about what Quinn is up to.
 

(Quinn's room. They're drinking whiskey. Daria comes in)

Daria: What's going on here?

Quinn: Were doing an experiment for biology. Like the one you told me about. Now get, like, lost.

Daria: You know, when me and Jane did this, we didn't drink anything ourselves, and our test subjects were all of legal age.

Jeffy: Hey. Maybe we should take a pause from the experiment. We could play some cards.

Joey: Yeah, like poker. I brought cards. (takes out a deck of cards)

Stacy: Poker? But I don't have any money on me.

Jeffy: That's okay. You don't need money for this kind of poker.

Stacy: Great. For a moment I was worried.

Daria: I might also add that even if we had become drunk, it would have been perfectly safe for us to do so.

Quinn: What're you talking about? Now go. Can't you see I have to play poker with Jesus?

Jamie: My name is Jamie.

Daria: Oh I'll go all right. I'll go vomit. (leaves)

(Cut to the hallway. Daria is standing outside Quinn's room)

Daria: (voiceover) It's not my problem, it's not my problem, it's my sister. Damn.
 

(Jane's room. Jane is sleeping in her bed. Her phone rings. Jane wakes and answers it. Split screen between Daria and Jane)

Jane: Yoooooummm.

Daria: And a good morning to you too.

Jane: Daria? Do you know what time it is?

Daria: 1.15 pm.

Jane: Okay. But do you know what day it is?

Daria: Saturday.

Jane: Got you.

Daria: Is Trent there?

Jane: From the sound of it he's practicing with the rest of the spiral. I could be wrong, of course. Maybe the neighbor is torturing a cat.

Daria: Could you ask him to come over here?

Jane: What would you want with Trent? (evil smile) You broke up with Tom?

Daria: Normally I would talk about ways to kill you now. But this is sort of an emergency.
 

(Quinn's room. They're playing strip poker. Jamie has lost his shirt, his shoes and his socks. Joey his shoes. Jeffy is sitting in his underwear. Quinn has lost her shoes and socks. Stacy is fully dressed)

Quinn: (puts her cards down) Two pairs.

Jeffy: Damn.

Joey: Damn.

Jamie: Three kings.

Quinn: Oh no.

Stacy: Full house.

Jamie: Not again.

Stacy: (giggles) You guys are so lame. I can, like, see on your face what cards you have.

(The door opens. Mystic Spiral comes in)

Quinn: Trent? What're you doing here?

Jamie: You're the guys who played at Brittany's party. (1)

Trent: We have to live. Normally we only play death metal punk rock.

Jeffy: Wha... What're you doing here?

Jesse: We heard there was some fresh meat to get here. We're all queers you see.

Max: Criminal queers.

Nick: I want the redhead. (points at Jeffy)
 

(Outside the Morgendorffer mansion. Jane and Daria are standing at the tank. Jane is holding a camera)

Daria: (bites her nails) What're they doing? It's been 5 minutes.

Jane: Patience, my dear. Psychic terror takes time. You said yourself you didn't want any violence.

Daria: I just wish something would happen.

(The door flies open. Jamie, Jeffy and Joey run screaming from the house. Jeffy is still in his underwear. Jane snaps pictures of them as they run away)

Jane: Satisfied?

Daria: I suppose I'll have to admit I found that amusing. (sigh) I owe you one, don't I?

Jane: You can make it up by modeling for me.

Daria: No way.

Jane: With clothes on.

Daria: Deal.

Jane: Leather mini skirt.

Daria: Kill you.

Jane: Dress.

Daria: Kill you.

Jane: Portrait.

Daria: (beat) Deal.

(Mystic Spiral leaves the house and walks over to them)

Trent: Mission accomplished. And don't worry. Your sister and her friend were still decent when we got there.

Daria: What do I care. I just want to get out of here before my parents come home. (mumbles) Thanks, Trent.

(They all get in the tank and drive away)
 

(Quinn's room. Quinn is sitting on her bed. She has an angry look on her face)

Quinn: You can come out now. They're gone.

Stacy: (crawls out from under the bed) Who were those people? And why did they want to rape the guys?

Quinn: They didn't. They're some of Daria's stupid friends. She must have sent them here. Trust my sister to spoil my fun. And ruin our experiment.

Stacy: Daria is your sister?

Quinn: Unfortunately. (smiles) It was kind of fun. Jeffy looked like he was about to die.

Stacy: (giggles) And Jamie. He fell on his knees and pleaded for his life.

Quinn: (laughs) And when that pierced guy asked Joey if he was into branding. I didn't even know he could scream so loud.

Stacy: (laughs) And they forgot their clothes.

Quinn: Hey look. We still have a bottle left.
 

(The livingroom. Helen and Jake comes home)

Jake: Should we show the girls the plans for the rose garden?

Helen: Jake. It's Saturday. They probably want to be left alone. It can wait until tomorrow.

Jake: (looks around) That's strange. The door to the liquor cabinet is open.

Helen: Maybe we should check up on the girls after all.
 

(Quinn's room. Quinn and Stacy are lying on the floor)

Quinn: (laughs) ...and then we ate poisonous berries. I started to hallucinate, and smeared mud all over my face. (2)

Stacy: (laughs) Why is that funny?

Quinn: (laughs) I don't know.

(Helen and Jake come in. They stop and stare at the scenery with open mouths)

Stacy: (laughs hysterically) Look, Quinn. It's your parents.

Quinn: Hey mom, dad. Can Stacy spend the night here? (laughs) She can't stand on her feet anymore.

Jake: Kiddo!!!

Helen: Quinn, you're drunk.

Quinn: Chill out. It's okay. We're doing our homework.
 

(The livingroom. Daria comes home. Helen and Jake enter from the kitchen)

Jake: Hold it, young lady. Let me smell your breath.

Daria: Does this mean you've given up talking to me, and now want to smell me instead?

Helen: Jake we have no reason to suspect Daria. Yet. (stern voice) Where have you been?

Daria: I spent the day with Jane. She needed someone to model for her.

Jake: (scared) You were her model? Helen did you hear that?

Helen: Now, Jake. There is no reason why Daria can't model for Jane. (to Daria) You did have your clothes on. Right, Daria?

Daria: Some of the time.

Jake: (panicked) Helen, did you hear that?

Helen: (warningly) Daria.

Daria: Relax. She only did my face. What you should be worried about is that Jane will probably try and sell it to you.

Jake: That could be nice. Imagine having paintings of Daria and Quinn hanging in the livingroom.

Daria: Will your efforts to scar me for life ever cease?

Helen: If so, Jane would have to come here as Quinn isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Daria: Oh, why not? (innocently) Did something happen while I was away?
 

(The following morning. Quinn's room. Quinn is laying in her bed. Daria comes in. She's holding a plate of food in her hands. She draws the curtains aside. Sunlight streams in)

Daria: (loud) Good morning.

Quinn: (wakes up) Daria?

Daria: (loud) I've been known to go by that name. So tell me, how do you feel?

Quinn: Could you keep it down? My head hurts.

Daria: Don't worry, it'll pass. In 10 hours or so. Do you care for some breakfast? (holds the plate towards Quinn) I made you sausages, and some really fatty bacon?

Quinn: (puts her hands to her mouth) Ump.

Daria: I go through all this trouble and then you don't want it. Figures. Now for the bad news. You're going on family court tonight. The charge is drunkenness.

Quinn: Drunkenness?

Daria: Trouble remembering? I'm sure it'll come back to you. Stacy's mom wasn't pleased when she came to pick her up. Said you were Jezebel and Delilah. Didn't want you to see Stacy ever again.

Quinn: I can't see Stacy?

Daria: Luckily for you Stacy's mom called 2 hours later and said she changed her mind about that. Seems it was the only way to stop Stacy from hyperventilating. As for the good news. You're not allowed to leave your room until the trial starts. Except to go to the bathroom. Your meals will be brought.

Quinn: That's the good news?

Daria: It's good for me. Means I get to see less of you today. And you're not in as much trouble as you might think. Mom and dad didn't notice that one of the piles of clothes in your room isn't yours. So they don't know about how you played strip poker with Jamie, Joey and Jeffy.

Quinn: What do you mean. Strip poker? (pause) OH NO!!!

Daria: Your memory came back I see. Don't worry, nothing happened. Thanks to Trent I might add.

Quinn: (talking fast) I got drunk, and we played, and Trent came, and mom and dad yelled at me.

Daria: I'll leave you to suffer now. (starts leaving) See you at noon. I'm cooking meatloaf for you.

Quinn: (puts her hands to her mouth) Ump.

Daria: (leaves) No gratitude.
 

(Jamie is standing outside the Morgendorffer's house. He rings the bell. Jake answers)

Jake: I'm sorry. Quinn isn't available.

Jamie: That's okay. I'm here about the clothes.

Jake: The clothes? (loud) Helen. There is a young man here. I think he's collecting clothes for a charity.

(Daria runs down the stairs with a bag in her hands)

Daria: It's okay dad. I have the clothes here. You can go back to your paper.

Jake: That's good kiddo. We have to help the homeless. That is unless they come here. (pause) Hmm. Maybe I should get a firearm. (leaves)

Daria: (hands Jamie the bag) I'm sure the homeless will be grateful.

Jamie: Can I see Quinn?

Daria: Nope. She's a prisoner.

Jamie: She's a prisoner!?
 

(Jamie calls Joey on the phone)

Joey: A prisoner?

Jamie: That's what Daria said. And she's, like, locked in the basement.
 

(Joey calls Jeffy on the phone)

Jeffy: The basement?

Joey: Yeah. And they keep her chained to the wall.
 

(Jeffy calls Jamie on the phone)

Jamie: They chained her to the wall?

Jeffy: (sobs) And they beat her and starve her.

Jamie: We gotta do something!
 

(Quinn's room. Daria comes in carrying a plate of sandwiches)

Daria: Feeding time.

Quinn: No meatloaf?

Daria: Too much trouble. But the cheese isn't low fat. (hands the plate to Quinn)

Quinn: Thanks (starts eating) Doesn't matter. Low fat cheese tastes like plastic anyhow. (beat) I've been wondering. Do you know if Ms. Barch has a rule on how many test subjects you have to use?

Daria: No. Not that I know of. (smirk) So that's how they tricked you into drinking.

Quinn: Yeah. I can't believe Jeffy, Joey and Jeremy could think all that up. They're usually so stupid.

Daria: Don't underestimate boys when they see sex at the end of the tunnel.

Quinn: What would you know about that? (pause) Did you play strip poker with Tom?

Daria: (blushes) That's none of your business. And I didn't get drunk first.

Quinn: Thanks for sending Trent over. When I think about what could have happened to me...

Daria: Unwanted pregnancy?

Quinn: Don't say that! I don't want to get pregnant. That would be just like getting fat.

Daria: But if you got pregnant you wouldn't just be a shallow person anymore. You'd be two shallow persons.

Quinn: (whining) Please.

Daria: Look on the bright side. Think of all the things you can get Joey, Jeffy and Jamie to do, to make up for their behavior.

Quinn: Yeah. That's right.

Daria: Not that they'll get the chance. Since you'll be grounded until you go to college.

Quinn: Oh no. Family court. (pause) Daria, will you be my lawyer?

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: You know. For the family court tonight.

Daria: What would you want with me as your lawyer? Or any other lawyer for that matter. None of us have ever been found Not Guilty when we've gone to family court. Not even when we were innocent, as I might ad I was the first time I got there. (3)

Quinn: But I am innocent. I was doing my homework.

Daria: And as someone who is not your lawyer, I strongly advise you against using that as the basis of your defense.

Quinn: Come on Daria. Please?

Daria: 30.

Quinn: 20.

Daria: 25.

Quinn: Deal.

Daria: I have to warn you that unless I find a loophole in the family rules I don't see how I could hope to get you off.
 

(That evening. The livingroom. Daria and Quinn are sitting in on the couch to the right, Jake on the one in the middle, and Helen on the one to the left)

Helen: Quinn is charged with drunkenness. She was found drunk in her room and when questioned about her behavior she claimed to be doing her homework.

Jake: How do you plead, Quinn?

Daria: My client won't plea to anything. Instead we ask that the charges of drunkenness be dismissed.

Helen: Dismissed! How? Quinn was certainly drunk when I found her.

Daria: After studying the family rules I noticed that they only mention drunkenness in one context. Rule 11, "No family member may return home in an intoxicated condition". My client however got drunk while she was at home.

Helen: Oh I guess you're right.

Quinn: Yeee--haaaah!

(Daria gets a Mona Lisa smile on her face)

Jake: So is the charge dropped?

Helen: Of course not. We'll just ad a new rule. Rule 22 "No family member may get drunk at home"

Quinn: But, mu-oom.

Daria: You can't just do this you know. There is no place in a democratic society for punishing people for things that weren't illegal when the crime was committed.

Jake: I suppose Daria has a point, dear.

Helen: No, she doesn't. A family is not a democratic society.

Daria: But what about when you share a bottle of wine. Or have an Irish coffee?

Helen: That's different. Your father and I may drink, but we never get drunk.

Jake: What about the time your mother called you?

Helen: Quiet, Jake. (pause) That was something else.

Daria: (grasping for straws) How do you know Quinn was actually drunk. Maybe she and Stacy were just pretending to be drunk.

Helen: Please, Daria. The lawyers of O. J. Simpson came up with more convincing arguments than that. But since you insist. Quinn take the stand.

Quinn: (defeated) Yes, mom.

Daria: You can't call Quinn as a witness. She's the accused. That's like making someone testify against themselves.

Helen: I can here. Quinn were you drunk?

Quinn: Yes but you have to listen to me. I was doing my homew... (Daria slaps her hands over her mouth) Ummmm.

Helen: Thank you. Jake I believe we can move on to sentencing now.

Daria: But I'm not finished.

Helen: Yes you are. Defense rests.

Daria: (angry) No I don't. What is this? Kangaroo court.

Jake: No it's family court.

Daria: Show trial would be a better word for it.

Helen: Daria you're in contempt.

Daria: You can't hold me in contempt! You're not the judge.

Quinn: Um. Maybe I should find another lawyer.

Helen: Too late. Jake.

Jake: Right. Daria and Quinn are both found guilty. Quinn is grounded for three weeks, Daria for one week.

Quinn: But, dad.

Daria: I'm not the one on trial here you know.

Helen: Maybe not, but you're in contempt. (to Jake) We can't ground Daria anymore. She's gotten too old.

Jake: Really?

Helen: Really. She has to pay a fine.

Jake: Right, hon. Daria loses next week's allowance.

Daria: (angry) Yes. Well of course that's just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect.
 

(Later that evening in Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed. Quinn is standing in the doorway)

Quinn: A month. I could have gotten three weeks. But no, you had to go and make it four. And how come I got an additional week? You were the one calling mom and dad piggish and intestine.

Daria: That's Philistine. I was quoting Monty Python. (4) And what're you asking me for? I wasn't even charged to begin with. And now I'm losing my allowance for two weeks.

Quinn: Whatever. But don't expect me to ask you to represent me again.

Daria: Don't expect me to want to represent you.

Quinn: Fine.

Daria: Fine.

Quinn: (turns to leave, then stops) You know, you were good back there. Almost like Matlock.

Daria: That's not a compliment. But thanks anyhow. And I'm sorry I lost. (pause) This isn't over! We will fight this!

Quinn: We will? How?

Daria: This is just like I learned in my class on American Government. Our civil liberties have been violated. We must rise against tyranny! (stands on her bed)

Quinn: Could you stop saying "we"? It's making me nervous.

Daria: Tickle us, do we not laugh. Prick us, do we not bleed. Poison us, do we not die. Wrong us, shall we not revenge.

Quinn: I told you to stop saying "we"! And I don't see what good quoting Shakespeare is going to do you.

Daria: (surprised) How did you know I was quoting Shakespeare? (5)

Quinn: Come on Daria. Don't you think I've read Shakespeare.

Daria: No.

Quinn: Fine. I saw it on Star Trek. (6)

Daria: (surprised) Since when do you watch Star Trek?

Quinn: Come on Daria. Don't you think I watch Star Trek?

Daria: No.

Quinn: (whining) So I went to the movies with this guy, but I only did it because I didn't know he was a geek. And I though it was a romantic movie but then it was a science fiction. And I just sat there and didn't know what to do, because what if people found out I had been dating a geek. But then...

Daria: I'll make you a deal. Leave now. And I'll keep you out of it.
 

(Pizza Palace. Daria and Jane are sitting at a table)

Jane: Rise against parental tyranny. Maybe I should try that sometime.

Daria: I think your parents need to be around for you to rise against them.

Jane: Good point. So what will you do?

Daria: That's just it. I have no idea.

Jane: Set fire to the house.

Daria: Only my dad is allowed to do that. (7) (beat) There must be something I can do.

(The 3 J's enter. They walk over to Daria and Jane's table)

Joey: Can we talk with you?

Daria: Only after I leave.

Jeffy: Quinn wouldn't say a word to us at school. Like she's mad at us or something.

Jamie: But that's not why, is it? It's part of her punishment, right? Like the beating and starving.

Joey: And the chaining.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: (dreaming look) Quinn being chained and beaten and starved. Mmmm.

Daria: Shut up, Jane. That's my daydream.

Jeffy: Oh no. It's true.

Joey: Isn't there anything we can do to help her?

Daria: Actually, there is.
 

(Next day. The 3 J's are standing outside the Morgendorffer house. They ring the bell. Daria answers)

Daria: You finally came. Where are the rest.

Jamie: The rest?

Daria: The rest of the people who were supposed to come. You can't have a protest rally with only three people.

Jeffy: We did try to get the others to come. We asked all the people Quinn ever dated just like you told us to.

Jamie: That's why it took us so long to get here.

Joey: Only they didn't seem to believe us.

(Jake appears in the doorway)

Jake: Oh it's you again. Come back for some more old clothes?

(Daria buries her face in her hands)
 

(Daria is on the phone with Jane)

Jane: So you organized a protest rally. But only three people came, and your dad gave them his old coat to give to the homeless.

Daria: That about sums it up.

Jane: If I laugh now you'll never forgive me. Am I right?

Daria: I don't know. Kill you, definitely. Forgive you, maybe.

Jane: Guess it's not like when our parents were young. They never seemed to lack participants at their rallies. I wonder how they did.

Daria: I don't know but I intend to find out.
 

(The livingroom. Jake is sitting on the couch. Quinn is standing in front of him)

Jake: (looking at a bill) What's this? An aquarium.

Quinn: I need it for a school project.

Jake: And butterflies.

Quinn: They're the only bugs Stacy want to look at.

Daria: (walks over to them) Don't forget the carnivorous plants. Biosphere with entertainment.

Jake: I don't see any plants on this bill.

Quinn: She's kidding dad. I'm coming home late tomorrow. I have to be with Stacy.

Jake: Now, kiddo. You're grounded, remember.

Quinn: But, dad. It's for a school project.

Jake: How about if Stacy came here. I could call her mom and promise her that Stacy won't get drunk this time.

Quinn: Dad, nooo! Daria, help me.

Daria: 20.

Quinn: 10.

Daria: 15.

Quinn: Deal.

Daria: Dad, if Quinn isn't here you can have the phone to yourself. With all the money Quinn just spent wouldn't it be nice to save some on the phone bill?

Jake: Gaaa, phonebill! All right, Quinn. You're not grounded tomorrow.

Quinn: Thanks, dad (runs of)

Daria: (sits next to Jake) Dad, can I ask you something?

Jake: Sure, kiddo. Is it about boys? Is it Tom? (agitated) Is he trying to pressure you? (angry) Gaaa, I'll kill him.

Daria: Dad, remember your heart. And it's not about Tom. I want to ask about when you were my age.

Jake: Oh. When I was in a military academy. (agitated) Where the old man sent me against my will. (angry) I hate the old man. If we wasn't already dead...

Daria: Dad -- heart. No, when you were a few years older. You met mom and lived in a commune. (8)

Jake: (peaceful look) Those were the days. Of course we did do some silly things back then. I can still remember the X's on the forehead.

Daria: (horrified) Was that you!

Jake: No, that was the people in the commune next to ours. Why?

Daria: (relaxes) No reason. You had a lot of protests right? How did you get people to come?

Jake: When you have a just cause people usually come by themselves.

Daria: And if they don't?

Jake: Then we arranged a concert. That could always get people to come.

Daria: I don't know. A concert seems like a lot of work. (sigh) Maybe I should just give it up.

Jake: Daria. When facing a tyrannical government you should never give up. Then it's your duty to protest against it.

Daria: But, I mean, you're not doing that today.

Jake: That's different. Now were trying to change the system from inside.

Daria: Dad you're self-employed.

Jake: (disappointed) Oh. That's right.

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) But you've been a great help. And I will rise against the tyrannical government, dad.

Jake: (smiles) That's my girl.

(Daria runs upstairs. Helen comes in)

Helen: What did Daria want?

Jake: Now that you say it, I have no idea.
 

(Lane's basement. Mystic Spiral is practicing. Daria is talking with Trent)

Daria: How would you feel about practicing a different place. Like outside my house.

Trent: You mean a concert?

Daria: Yeah.

Trent: We could do that. But we don't have the hardware.

Daria: What hardware?

Trent: Outdoor speakers.

Jesse: A truck.

Max: A stage.

Daria: Let me write this down.

Nick: Groupies.

Daria: Nice try.

Nick: Damn.
 

(Lover's Lane. Tom and Daria are sitting in Tom's car)

Daria: (between kisses) You remember how using your family connections goes against my principles?

Tom: What is it this time?

Daria: I need to arrange a concert.

Tom: Excuse me.
 

(Jane's room. Daria and Jane are laying on the bed)

TV: When voodoo and Christianity meet. Night of the living Christ. Next on Sick Sad World.

Jane: I wonder who comes up with stuff like that. The guy must have a really sick mind.

Daria: I don't know. I wrote a story once where Melody Powers kills Ronald McDonald for being a communist agent.

Jane: What is it I hear about you having my brother play at a concert at your house?

Daria: About that. How would you feel about making me some banners and posters.

Jane: I can do that. And in return?

Daria: You know, I had the impression that our friendship had evolved to the point where you would help me because you wanted to.

Jane: That reminds me. I have to go feed my flying pig.

Daria: (beat) At least let me keep my dignity.

Jane: Nope. But I'll let you keep your underwear.

(Later. Daria is modeling for Jane in her underwear)

Daria: I trust my parents will never see this.

Jane: I don't get you. You worry about your parents seeing a painting of you in your underwear, but how they'll react to the fact that you're arranging a concert protesting their tyrannical government doesn't seem to bother you.

Daria: It's something I have to do. I'm not sure you'd understand. Your parents never punished you.

Jane: Sure they did. Once they even spanked me.

Daria: They did?

Jane: No. Come to think of it. That was Penny. She was cooking spaghetti for dinner and I smeared it on the wall.

Daria: No respect for artistic expression.

Jane: You say it. I did get yelled at once until I started crying. Only that was Wind. He had invited his girlfriend over, and I warned her against him.

Daria: And all you did was try and save him from another broken marriage.

Jane: Then I got locked in my room. (pause) But that was Summer. It was her turn to look after me, and I tried to run away.

Daria: I see a pattern here. No strike that. I see two patterns.

Jane: And then there was the time my art supplies got confiscated.

Daria: By Trent.

Jane: How did you know?

Daria: Only sibling left. What did you do?

Jane: Paint his face while he was asleep.
 

(Daria's room. Daria is sitting at her computer. Quinn walks in. She's holding a piece of paper in her hand)

Quinn: What's this? I found it at school.

Daria: It's called paper. The reason you don't know, is that you're illiterate.

Quinn: Ha ha. Very funny. It says there's a concert tomorrow protesting tyrannical and unjust government. The address seems to be our house.

Daria: Isn't that convenient? That way you can come even if you're grounded.

Quinn: What do you think you're doing? Don't you know what mom and dad are going to do?

Daria: No. But I intend to find out.

Quinn: But what if they think I had anything to do with it?

Daria: Martyrdom?

Quinn: Oh no. You're not dragging me down with you.

Daria: Not even when martyrs go directly to heaven?

Quinn: I'll tell mom and dad!

Daria: Do that. And I'll say the whole thing was your idea.

Quinn: But it's not. I'm innocent.

Daria: And your point is?

Quinn: AAAAAAAH!! (storms out of the room)
 

(Morning. Quinn's room. Quinn is laying in bed. Helen is standing next to her, she puts a hand on Quinn's forehead)

Helen: You're warm. Maybe it's better if you stay in bed today.

Quinn: And I was so looking forward to going to school. Now I have to stay in here the whole day. (sigh) My room has become my prison.

Helen: Now, sweetie. The reason you're being punished is to teach you a lesson. (strokes Quinn's hair) If you behave we can discuss parole later. Bye now.

Quinn: Bye mom.

(Helen leaves. Daria enters)

Daria: You really think you're going to get away with this?

Quinn: (pulls a hot water balloon from under her blanket) I might. Unlike you. This way maybe mom and dad will believe me when I tell them I have nothing to do with your concert.

Daria: I'm doing this for both of us you know. You can't tell me you want these family court proceedings to continue.

Quinn: No. But so what? How often do we have them? Five or six times a year? We've put up with it for two years now. Why can't we continue to do so?

Daria: Because it's not fair.

Quinn: So what if it isn't fair? We're probably the only family in Lawndale who has a family court. All the others just punish their kids. Mom and dad aren't going to stop punishing us should they abolish family court. Why are you really doing this?

Daria: You wouldn't understand. (leaves)
 

(Jake is driving home. As he drives up to his house he sees how the front lawn is full of high school students. They're holding banners and posters. Mystic Spiral is playing)

(Jake gets out of his car. Daria walks over to him)

Jake: What's all this?

Daria: We're protesting against oppression.

Jake: That's great, kiddo. Can I help?

Daria: Sure, dad. Hold this.

(Daria hands Jake a poster. The text reads "Down with parental oppression")
 

(Helen comes home. She gets out of the car and stares at the scenery in disbelief)

Trent: (starts singing) Oppression oppression, you have to fight the oppression. Oppressed oppressed, you have to rise against the oppression. Your parents, your parents, they're the oppressors.

Jake: (walks over to Helen) Hi, hon. Isn't this great? It's just like old times.

Helen: Jake! Don't you have eyes in the head? We're the ones they're protesting against.

Jake: Us? But who would do such a thing?

(Cut to Jane and Daria)

Jane: Your parents are staring at you.

Daria: Gee I wonder why.

Jane: Maybe it's because of them. (points at the 3 J's)

(Cut to the 3 J's. They're sitting around a poster. The text reads "Hungerstrike day 1")
 

(Quinn's room. Quinn is standing by the window. Helen comes in dragging Daria after her)

Quinn: (points at Daria) It was all her idea. I couldn't have had anything to do with it. I'm sick remember.

(Helen stares at Quinn with open mouth)

Daria: That's understandable. I'd get sick of myself if I were you.

Quinn: What's that supposed to mean?

Daria: You'll see.

Helen: What're you doing out of bed?

Quinn: Uh-oh.

Daria: It's drugs right? You were on medication while you were expecting her.

Helen: I think I have to lie down.
 

(The 3 J's are walking home)

Jamie: Even if Quinn told us to leave, I still think we should do something.

Jeffy: Yeah. It's not fair how they chain her in the basement.

Joey: But what can we do?

Jamie: What we should have done in the first place. Call the police.
 

(At dinner. Helen is staring at her plate)

Jake: Hon. Aren't you hungry?

Helen: I gave birth to monsters.

Jake: Does that mean you're not going to eat something?

Quinn: But, mu-oom. I'm not a monster. Monsters are ugly, and they have like green hair and stuff.

Daria: Aren't you exaggerating a bit? I mean, we did get rid of those people outside.

Jake: And it was kind of like old times. The protests, the rock concert, the hunger strike.

Daria: You had a hunger strike?

Quinn: Eeeew. Like you all had an eating disorder?

Helen: No we didn't. We starved because Jake set the kitchen on fire.

Jake: Oh that's right. Still today was almost like old times. Who would have thought our girls would follow in our steps.

Helen: Jake do *not* defend the girls.

Jake: But... (pause) If you say so, hon. But look at the bright side. At least it's over now.

(The doorbell rings)

Helen: I'll get it. It's not like I have an appetite right now.

(Cut to the livingroom. Helen opens the door. It's a woman and two police officers)

Woman: Mrs. Morgendorffer. I'm with the PDA. Were investigating a report about severe child abuse.
 

(Later that evening. Helen is lying on the couch with a pillow over her head. Daria walks over to her)

Daria: Penny for your thoughts.

Helen: Is that you, my child?

Daria: Look, if you had just given Quinn a fair trial none of this would have happened. It's not my fault you couldn't defeat me fairly.

Helen: (removes the pillow) Daria, your sister was found drunk in her room. It was as bad as it could have been.

Daria: She could have been playing strip poker.

Helen: (gives Daria a funny look) Anyhow. I had to punish her. You can't possibly expect me to just let it slide.

Daria: (angry) That is exactly what I expect of you. Even if Quinn was guilty. I was right. I should have won.

Helen: Is that why you did all this? Because you were right?

Daria: Why did you and dad do all those protests when you were young? You couldn't possibly have thought two people more or less would have made a difference.

Helen: (pause) We thought we were right. But it wasn't our parents we protested against. And I haven't even begun to consider how to punish you for today's events.

Daria: You know Quinn's admires can be hard to control. Who knows, maybe next time they'll start a hunger strike outside of your office.

Helen: Point taken. So what do you suggest?

Daria: Give Quinn a new trial. A fair one this time. No changing the rules, no calling her to testify against herself, and no interfering with how the judge does his work.

Helen: Even when the judge is your dad?

Daria: Even then.

Helen: That would leave you in the clear. Even if Quinn should be found guilty.

Daria: If I loose, you can give me the same punishment you give Quinn. No protests, concerts, or hunger strikes.

Helen: Deal.
 

(Even later that evening. A new family court is in session)

Helen: After reviewing an appeal I have come to the conclusion that the previous trial wasn't entirely fair. The charge of drunkenness didn't apply in Quinn's case.

Jake: Does that mean she's innocent?

Helen: Not yet. Instead we introduce a new charge. That of theft. A bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet was found in her room.

Jake: How do you plead, Quinn?

Daria: Not guilty. And we ask that the charge be dismissed due to lack of evidence. It might as well have been her friend Stacy who took the whiskey.

Helen: Which is why I intend to call a witness, to clear that question up.

Daria: (raises an eyebrow) Who? Stacy isn't here, and Quinn can't be made to testify against herself.

Helen: I call you, Daria.

Jake: But, hon. Daria wasn't home at the time. Remember?

Helen: We'll see. Daria, were you home at the time?

(Daria looks at the floor)

Quinn: This is where I plead guilty right?

Daria: (beat) Yeah, Quinn. This is where you plead guilty.

Quinn: What is going to happen to me now? Please don't ground me. (whining) Haven't I been grounded enough?

Helen: (smiles) Oh we're not going to ground you two this time, I think we've moved beyond that.

Daria: (nervous) What do you mean.

Jake: We have plans for a rose garden in the backyard. We want you to help us build it.

Daria: You mean?

Helen: Forced labor.

Quinn: (shocked) You want me to sweat?

Helen: Only a bucket.

Quinn: But, mu-ooooooom...

Daria: Hey, I'm the one doing the sarcasm around here.
 

(Later that evening. Helen is sitting in the kitchen. Daria comes in)

Daria: How?

Helen: I kept wondering why Quinn would do such a thing in the first place, and why she was barefoot when we found her, and how come you conveniently weren't here at the time. When you made that remark about strip poker the pieces fell into place.

Daria: How did you know I wasn't being sarcastic?

Helen: You've been sarcastic since you learned how to talk. I know the difference.

Daria: So that's why my evil plans for world domination always fail.

Helen: (looks Daria in the eyes) Can you promise me that nothing happened?

Daria: I can. And I can also promise that it won't happen again. Quinn is under the protection of the queer commando.

Helen: This I don't want to know about. Go to bed, Daria, you have a long day with a shovel ahead of you tomorrow.

Daria: Yes, mom.
 

THE END
 

(1) "Grouped by an Angel"

(2) "The Teachings of Don Jake"

(3) "The Big House"

(4) The mason sketch.

(5) The play "The Merchant of Venice"

(6) The movie "The Undiscovered Country"

(7) "Fire Fire"

(8) "That was Then, This is Dumb"