Daria vs. Delta House
By
Mr. Maddog

Part 0: "Who Are These Guys?"

Welcome to what may be the most wildest Daria crossover since she went surfing with Dr. Katz. Since everyone else is creating characters to hang out with Ms. Monday Night, I figured I use the ones my friend and I already invented. Well not exactly invented because these are the same people we actually went to high school with. Believe me, we couldn't even make these people up.

To best enjoy "Daria Vs. Delta House" you should read this introduction first. This story is a two parter with the second half coming up about a week after I released the first one. Think of each part as a seperate TV show doing a crossover ala Law & Order/Homicide. The first part, "The Outsiders", is an episode of Daria with the guys from Delta House as guest stars.The other one, "Black Friday", is sorta the "Delta House" show with Daria and friends(plus her enemies) as guests.

Now...only a few people know about my Delta House characters so I'll briefly explain the whole thing. It's all based on the "Pol Trek" skits which my friend Dan and I would do. It's a parody of classic "Star Trek" with "Animal House" stuff because Dan likes that movie very much. But I don't feel like having Daria time travel to meet these people so I'm having the same characters at a 20th century college called Haven University.

Our heroes from "Delta House" are at a constant prank war with a rival fraternity called AZT. They are a bunch of preppies who act like big shots. And the Delta Guys also have to contend with the teachers who try to make them follow the rules. They are all sophmores in their early 20's, probably around the same age as Trent...which ever it is.

The Good...

Dan: The leader and the craftiest. He brings BS'ing to the highest art form. He wears a black Delta Tau Muta t-shirt. The craftiest of the whole lot...and he really loves the Doors.

Maddog: Second in command; ranges from quiet reserve behavior to hysterical mania. Will always tell it like it is and sticks up for other people. Wears sunglasses and a black shirt that says "Outsider". Has a thing for beef sticks and Coke.

Fred: The real tall person who looks good in smart causal clothing. Really talks it up with the ladies. Gifted student taking a science major, but his outrageous showmanship matches his intelligence. Drives the Deltamobile and can mix up real wicked drinks.

Ryan: The goofy clown who's the comic relief. He's heavyset, wears thick eyeglasses with a strap, and has a bowl haircut. He always wears a sweatshirt and jogging pants that's all dirty from the cheesies he eats. The only freshman in the group. He even sounds like Cartman from South Park.

Chad: He's the "bouncer" who works out. Of all the people who find Ryan annoying(who wouldn't) he absolutely don't like the guy.

The Bad...

John: Head of AZT. He's completely smug and gets upset at every little comment. Dan has lots of fun with him. :)

Tyson: A schmuck who thinks he's hot stuff. Has a girlfriend(who no one else wants) and a red car(that's a piece of crap). Him and Maddog have a feud going. Oh yeah, he also has a dorky laugh...

Chris: The not so bright lackey of AZT, 'nuff said.

And the Stupid...

"Minty" Hines: A math professor. He tries to have control at thecollege but it all goes bad for him. Loves to eat brownies (rumored to have special green stuff in them) with his best friend "Highway" Hank. He hates being called "Big M" and will absoultely deny that he wears a floppy curly topee, which he does.

"Highway" Hank Hawkins: Good friend of "Minty" and fellow college professor. He's very clueless about everything.

"Coach" Malnack: The coach of the football team who's a total butthead. As much as he likes to see Delta House go away, he really rather see Minty disappear.

...and a few more characters which I won't go into right now. So go on, and have fun! :)

It has been a pleasure, as always...

Eric Noss a.k.a. Mr. Maddog

 

Part 1: "The Outsiders"

ACT I.

Scene 1:

[Friday morning in Lawndale. In the Morgendorffer household, Jake and Helen are preparing to leave...with suitcases in tow.]

Helen: Finally...after all these months, we can at long last take a vacation we deserve.

Daria: Whoa, you're looking forward to a vacation? They really must have burned you out.

Helen: Well sweetie, it's not as "vacation" vacation but more like a business trip your father and I are having.

Quinn: You guys are taking the same business trip? I thought you guys, like work at different places.

Daria: Somebody give the girl a CI-gar, along with a slap across the head.

Helen: (Sighs) Now I have explained this many times to you before ...I'm going to San Diego for a business meeting for 'my' company and your father is going to San Diego for 'his' company on the same days. So we are going together and what little time we left to take in the sights, go to night clubs, and...you know.

Daria: No...I don't know. Why not just tell us.

Quinn: Oh, I know!

Helen: I do not think you should even mention it at all girls...

Quinn: But what's so obscene about shopping for clothes at the real expensive boutiques?

Jake: It's obscene how your Mom uses my credit card to get all that costly crap.

Helen: Just shut up and keep packing! We're suppose to be at the airport already. Oh for crying out loud...I'm trying to have a relaxing vacation and you're screwing things up! No wonder I'm so stressed out!!! (She looks at the girls) Umm...I mean, we'll all unwind in San Diego and enjoy ourselves.

Daria: Well enjoy your vacation...we'll enjoy ours here at home.

Jake: You're not cutting school, are you!?

Quinn: No Daddy, today's our day off. Only the teachers have to go in for some in-service whatever.

Helen: Jake, remember our agreement honey?

Jake: I'm sorry... (He goes behind Helen and bows his head in submission.) I promise to let you do all the thinking to ensure our happy family.

Helen: That's better. (Towards Quinn) And I hope you aren't planning to have any "parties" during the whole time that we're gone!

Quinn: Oh no, mother...that had never crossed my mind one bit.

Daria: In order to cross something, there must be a thing to cross in the first place.

Quinn: I don't know what that smart thing you said was, but it better not be an insult!

Daria: What do you think?

Quinn: Ummm...errr....

Helen: No parties, and that's my final ruling. I had better see this house clean and straighten out by the time we get back Sunday. You hear that Quinn?

Quinn: Why do you always think I'm planning some party when you guys are gone!? Don't you even trust me at all?? How come you don't yell at Daria about it!

Daria: Because I'm a more responsible and mature person as I get older, while you only age the same way a piece of cheese does.

Quinn: Hey!! I understood it, that's an insult!

Daria: You get another whap across the head, along with the cigar I promised.

Helen: She's right Quinn, she is the eldest and the one in charge when your father and I aren't around.

Quinn: That stinks...

Helen: And besides, it's not as though you go to any sort of social event at all Daria. So I never expect 'you' to have a party...much let go to one.

[Daria gets an angry red faced glare for a second, and quickly shakes it off.]

Daria: I thank you for that complement dear mother. I'll be sure to let my therapist take note of it.

Helen: That's good... Jake, is everything in the car? Jake???

[She looks around and finally sees him standing behind her.]

Helen: Oh how long have you been standing there!?

Jake: Umm...

Helen: Never mind, let's go...

[They leave and shorty after the car pulls away from the sight of the house...]

Quinn: Well, time for a party!

Daria: Didn't you just hear what Mom had said?

Quinn: I "heard" what she said, and I "thought" about it...but do I actually "care"? Nope, not really.

Daria: Of course you do realise that as your older sibling, I have to keep my eye on you. All 'four' of them...

Quinn: Wait a minute! Who said you'll be at "my" party?

Daria: Don't tell me you're throwing me at of my own home...

Quinn: I'm not throwing you out! All I'm saying is that wouldn't you really be interested in being at my party anyway. I know you find nothing of interest there.

Daria: Except for your total and complete humiliation, I wouldn't.

Quinn: You know what? I'll give you something that'll be worth your while...

Daria: Your head on a silver platter, perhaps?

Quinn: This how you treat me when I'm being nice to you...

[Quinn gives Daria an envelope. It has a bus ticket, movie tickets, and discount coupons.]

Quinn: I won these during a radio contest. It's a bus pass to the Mall of the Millennium.

Daria: Oh not that...last time I went up there I barfed my brains out.

Quinn: This isn't on a crappy school bus, it's a private charter that has air conditioning. Listen, I wanted to go today but my friends and I ended up planning this party anyway. We'll even have some college guys coming all the way up from a big university. So what will it take for you to take my gift? I mean a "real" gift, not something you have to give on birthdays!

Daria: If you want me out so badly...why don't you use the magic word.

Quinn: I'm not going to say "Hocus Pocus"! Oh please...

Daria: Close enough. But Quinn...

Quinn: Yeah?

Daria: Even for this "free" gift you're giving me, I will collect some 'payment' from you...

Quinn: (Sighs) ...oh alright...

[Quinn gives Daria fifty bucks.]

Daria: Wow...think of all the corn dogs I can buy.

[But unknown to Daria, justice will be served to her. It comes in the form of a black customized Cadilac limo which resembles a hot rod project. In this car are four guys who are on the road. In control of this tripping transport is some guy named Fred.]

Fred: Are you sure we should be heading East instead of West on the Interstate?

Dan(guy in back): How should I know? You said you brought a road map.

Fred: Well I did until freaking Ryan threw it out the window.

Ryan(sitting next to Fred): Hey! I was trying to unfold it when the wind blew it out of my hands.

Maddog(in the back next to Dan): Is there some place we can stop off for directions, man? We can use a bite to eat.

Fred: Oh here's a sign..."Mall Of The Millennium...next 20 miles"

Maddog: Oh good...we can fuel up on corn dogs.

Ryan: Cool!! A big fat mall we can go to! You can leave me at Spencer's Gift all day long.

Fred: Keep this up and we'll leave you there for good.

Ryan: Shaddup...

[Dan and Maddog are laughing their heads off.]

Scene 2:

[The big Mall...four hours after leaving Lawndale, Jane and Daria are hanging out at food court. In front of To-Fu Fighters naturally...]

Jane: So what did you think of that one movie?

Daria: I laughed, I cried, I got totally bored sitting through that piece of crap. You think with all the millions they put into it, they would work on having a storyline that's any good.

Jane: You mean there's suppose to be a plot to the whole thing? I was sleeping through those special effects that I hadn't noticed.

Daria: I really wanted to see that thought provoking movie about a society based on genetics. But they took it out to make room for something people really wanted to see...big bugs wizzing laser fire at co-ed shower scenes.

Jane: Any where else you want to go?

Daria: Home would be nice.

Jane: That rots with your sister kicking you out for some stupid party that you weren't even invited to.

Daria: I think we already have that established, thank you very much.

Jane: So what time does the next bus back leave?

Daria: Hang on...(She takes the bus pass out and looks at it)...oh crap. Jane, you're not going to believe this.

Jane: What?

Daria: It's a one-way pass. The only important thing that little Einsteiner didn't mention to me.

Jane: Well that stinks! And how are we suppose to get back so I can ring her little neck?

Daria: Can't you call your brother to pick us up?

Jane: Trent? Naw...he's gone most of the day anyway and we'll have to wait 'till after four just to call him. They're all out of town.

Daria: Maybe we can find another bus out of here, even if it means spending all of our money.

Jane: Speak for yourself...well I guess we have nothing else to lose at this point.

Daria: Or we can get a good start hitchhiking if we leave now.

Jane: That's true...

[They go walk over to the information booth and are stuck being two guys who are trying to reason with the guy behind the counter.]

Maddog: Biggest freaking mall, my eye! More of the same old crappy stuff in the other malls. The arcade blows chunks big time.

Dan: Yeah, no sport skill games. Maybe you should have worked off your frustration playing Street Fighter.

Maddog: What, all fifty freaking variations?

Guy: I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any road maps here.

Dan: Look, this is a mall with a lot of stores...right? So there has to be at least one store that has maps.

Guy: Umm...I know we have a store that sells doo-dads. Would you be interested in that?

Maddog: Does it look like we freaking 'want' any doo-dads? I don't think so...

Daria(Behind Maddog): They should just flush it down the crapper and cut out the middleman.

[Jane can't help but snicker at her comment. Maddog turns around and sees these two high school girls. He looks at them up and down with his eyes, but they can't tell he's doing it because of the sunglasses he wears.]

Maddog(Smiling): Thank you...

Dan: We need a road map so we can find someplace called Lawndale. Do you know where it is?

Guy: Ummm...

Dan: Have you even "heard" of it?

Guy: ...umm..umumumu....uuummm....

Dan: Geeze, he sounds like Ad-Ummm.

Maddog: Adam, the guy who keeps going "Umm, Umm..."? Yeah, and the same level of intelligence as well.

Jane: We know where Lawndale is...

Maddog: Oh really?

Jane: We live there.

Daria: We're a bunch of local yokels out of our county for the first time. We're not used to seeing all these couples who aren't imbreds.

Dan: HAHHAHahahaha....

Maddog: Let me guess...you're their beauty queen, right?

Daria: I look good with pig slop on my face.

Dan: Ohohohoho...

Guy: Well I don't know what I can tell you.

Dan: Well I know what exactly what I can tell you...I want to see the freaking manager right now.

Guy: Err...I haven't even seen the manager at all. I just started this week.

Maddog: The manager is here right now. In fact, I 'am' the manager.

Guy: What!?

Maddog: That's right! I decided to go undercover to see what kind of employees are working at "my" mall. What's the matter son, Weenine Burger far too advanced for your skills?

Guy: You..you...

Maddog: Look at you! What a disgrace...you are suppose to give people "information", not a whole bunch of confusion crap to cover up your own ignorance. Are you some kind of TV news reporter?

Guy: Bububububu....

Maddog: Oh be quiet!! You may as well take your lunch break now and don't bother coming back. (Points at Daria) She will be your new replacement.

Guy: My replacement!?

Maddog: Replacement...and supervisor.

Daria: Do I get benefits?

Maddog: You even get his parking spot.

Guy: Oh man...

[The guy hangs his head in shame.]

Maddog: Come! We shall go to my office and discuss major details...

[Dan and Maddog stride off walking away from the information booth with Jane and Daria trying to keep up with them.]

Dan: Oh man Maddog, that was awesome.

Maddog: Well somebody had to tell him how to do his freaking job.

Daria: Think I can run the entire booth?

Maddog: Heck, I think you can run the entire mall...say, who are you people and why are you following us?

Jane: That's what we want to know.

Dan: How rude of us, allow me to introduce ourselves...

[Dan clears his throat and impersonates a dandy gentleman.]

Dan: I am Dan and this is my friend Maddog.

Maddog: Mister Maddog...

Daria: Sure not a "Mrs".

Dan: And we are from the esteemed fraternity Delta House in Haven University.

Maddog: Or "Hay-U" for short.

Jane: College guys, eh? I'm Jane and this is Daria...

Daria: Hey...

Maddog: Hey's for horses, grass is cheaper.

Dan: So you girls live in Lawndale?

Jane: Yeah, we're trying to get a ride back.

Dan: Tell you what...how 'bout you show us how to get there and we'll give you a lift.

Daria: Think you can squeeze us in the trunk?

Maddog: We got a nice comfy limo.

Jane: No way...

Maddog: Yes way. Fred found an old Caddy with four doors and fixed it up quit nicely. Customized hot rod job, we call it the Deltamobile.

Dan: Yeah, we got lots of room for you guys. Ryan can ride up in the front seat with Fred.

Maddog: Uh oh...Ryan won't be happy about it.

Dan: Neither will Fred.

Jane: Wow, you hear that Daria? Our ticket outta here.

Daria: If I'm going to get bored out of my skull, may as well do it back home.

Maddog: There's Fred and Ryan over at the arcade. I'll get them.

Dan: Is Ryan playing Street Fighter?

Maddog: Let me see...oh yeah! He's getting his butt kicked by a seven year old.

Jane: You can see all that all the way from here?

Maddog: Naw, a little kid is beating the crap outta him in front of the arcade. Ryan must have tried to bum some quarters off him.

ACT II.

Scene 1:

[Cruising out on the road, the Deltamobile does some deep rolling. A customized six-door Cadilac Sevile, black with blue trimmings and a new style that makes it look like a low rider. Inside the car, Fred is driving with Ryan riding shotgun...Dan and Maddog in the middle seats looking at the rear of the limo...Daria and Jane in the backseat. Fred is playing a Beck CD.]

Fred: West...I knew I should have gone West...now why did I ever wanted to go East...

Dan: Whadda you care Fred, we're going in the right direction.

Fred: Oh I'm happy about that...which is more than I can say about Ryan here.

Ryan: Yeah right! You told us that we'll be giving some girls a ride. And then I freaking find out that they're still in high school!

Maddog: Ya just can't win Ryan, can you?

Ryan: That...stinks!

Jane: So why are you guys heading to Lawndale for?

Maddog: Yeah...good question.

Dan: We're trying to see some guy about finding some entertainment for our party tonight. He said come on down to Lawndale, of course he never bothered giving us directions. Just this phone number he left us. Oh well...

Jane(To Daria): Oh gee...what a shame Trent's not home right now. I bet he really would love a gig at a frat party. But just he can't be reached.

Daria: Then he really lucked out on that one.

Jane(Whispering): I heard when a band goes up to a frat party, they need an 'escort' to see if they don't run around with the ladies and actually play their music instead...

Daria(Whispering lower): Why don't you shut up before I throw you out the window...

[Ryan screams out loud because Fred whapped him on the head.]

Ryan: OOOOWWWW!!!!!

Fred: Hey Ryan, why don't you shut up before I throw you out the window!

Jane: What happened up there?

Dan: Oh nothing...Ryan just being his sweet self as usual.

Ryan: All I said was why don't we find a real cool party to pick up some college women, but not the local ones since they're all buck-tooth and ugly.

Fred: You're such a freaking dog Ryan.

Maddog: Hey! Don't call him that. It gives cool dogs like me a bad name.

Daria: So what gutter did you scraped him off from?

Dan: Oh you be surprised...

Ryan: Hey you! I'll have you know that I am the biggest studmuffin all around here.

Daria: Well you are big all around.

[Dan and Maddog snicker.]

Ryan: I ain't gonna take that from no chick, especially you...um...I forget what your name is.

Daria: For one thing, it's not "Hey you!" And since I don't even know your name...I rather keep it like that.

Ryan: The name's Ryan, Ryan Hull. H-U...as in "U" stink...L-L!

Daria: And I'm Daria, which begins with "D"...as in "Darn, you really are stupid."

Maddog: Haha!! Good one "D"!

Dan: Give it up Ryan, she got your number and she's not impressed.

Ryan: If she got my phone number, then she better quit fantising about me and stop trying to call my house.

Daria: I stopped by your house. The lights are on...but nobody was home.

Fred: Keeps the burglars away.

Ryan: Hey! Who's side are you one here?

Fred: My side, so keep your grubby fingers on your side.

Maddog: Sorry about him, he gets real moody when we don't take him out for walks.

Daria: No problem. I dealt with two morons all at the same time once, so it's really nothing.

Ryan: Well I still wanna go to a party.

Dan: So how 'bout that "D", any happening parties at little ol' Lawndale?

Daria: Just some teeny bopper affair my sister is having, which I keep hoping it ends up being a bigger disaster than Pompei.

Maddog: And you wouldn't be caught dead in something like that, right?

Daria: It's pathetic enough that she kicks me out of my own house by sending me a one-way ticket to that mall.

Jane: You hear that? That little brat had nearly left her to rot in the food court. At least until you nice guys showed up and rescued us.

Dan: Well gee, thanks...

Daria: It's only a ride back Jane.

Jane: Yeah...in a limo.

Fred: Only the best for our friends.

Jane: Come on...show a little gratitude, eh?

Daria: Oh wow, I'm so grateful that they're taking us from a boring mall back to our boring homes.

Dan: Ok...which one of you two is the "blocker". Yeah, you know! In every group of women, there's at least one who not only dislikes the guys they talk to but the entire gender as well. Alright, 'fess up!

Maddog: So it's a get together of high school students, you can't really call that a "party" now can you? May as well did you a favor to spare you any possible lameness.

Jane: Yeah, I can't ever imagine Quinn to have any concept of a good time except to snort makeup and talk "BS" with the boys.

Daria: If she's anything like my mom, which sadly she is, then she'll find a way.

Jane: Your mom goes to parties?

Daria: Everyone in my family goes to parties, almost everyone. Like my parents don't know I see them stager home nearly sloshed. Yep, they really know how to get down...on the floor.

Dan: That stinks! So why don't you just go home, grab some food, and watch TV anyway. At least you'll have your own party.

Daria: You kidding!? I'm not even invited in my house, let alone to any party.

Dan: Hahahaha!!! Did you hear that guys? She thinks she has to be "invited" in order to go to a party.

Fred: Ohho...that's freaking rich!

Maddog: We haven't even been invited to a single party in eight years, but we still went to them anyway.

Jane: Whoa! You guys crash??

Dan: It's the only way...

Maddog: We even have it perfected into an art form.

Fred: And we don't leave until someone calls the cops.

Dan: Heck, we can even show you how it's done. Hey Fred! Soon as we hit town, we're crashing a party.

Fred: Cool!

Ryan: All right!!!!

Daria: You sure you want to do this? It might be a big waste of your time here.

Dan: Hey, when Delta House has a party...we really have a party!

Maddog: You could go somewhere that's a stone cold drag because you never wanted to do any of it in the first place...or you can come with us and even take back what's rightfully yours.

Jane: Let's do it man! You can even ruin a party that a certain freshman wench is putting on for her friends, yeah?

Dan: Oh sure...just let Ryan run loose, that's all it ever takes.

Daria: Huummm...me being there would really annoy Quinn immensely, and four more guys crashing can make it more interesting. What the hey...

Dan: That settles it then, party it is!

Fred: PARTY!!!

Ryan: YEAH!!!!!!!

Maddog: Come on Fred, let's show these kids how the Delta Guys do things.

Daria: And now I'm letting these outside weridos into my little world. This should be good for a few laughs...

Scene 2:

[The Deltamobile drives down the street where Daria lives, and pulls up the curb half a block from her house...knocking a garbage can over.]

Fred: All right, we're here!

[The gang get out of the car.]

Fred(To Maddog): Doesn't this remind you a bit like Pennyville from last year?

Maddog: Yeah...I really wished it hadn't though.

Dan: Ok...looks to be some people here all already from all these cars. Balloons and streamers on the front door so that means it'll be watched. Any back doors or basements we can sneak in through?

Daria: We got doors that go in through the cellar, and they lead up to a small hallway.

Maddog(Rubbing his chin): Looks like we'll go with the "Alpha-Omega" plan.

Jane: The what?

Maddog: It means the first and the last. Half of us go through the front door distracting them first while the other half sneak in the last place they expect.

Dan: Sounds good to me. Fred and Ryan will come with me, get the snacks and soda guys. Maddog, you take the girls inside.

Fred: Meet you guys in a few...

Maddog: Right! Ok "D", you show me around the place.

Daria: Why are you calling me "D"?

Maddog: Why not?

[Meanwhile inside the house, Quinn, who is wearing a causal outfit with high heels, talks to Sandi while Upchuck is hovering around them.]

Sandi: Oh yeah...this is a real good party Quinn. You got the latest music from Hanson and Cardigan.

Quinn: It took me a lot of time and planning to put into this...WHY are you still hanging around here Upchuck!?!?

Upchuck: Why dear Quinny, I wish to introduce you to a couple of friends of mine. Mainly myself...

Quinn: Look Upchuck, I only invited you here because you said bring some college guys over.

Upchuck: I certainly kept my end of the bargain...

Quinn: And you brought 'those' two over? You could at least find some preppies that are actually good looking.

[Standing nearby are John and Tyson, the people Upchuck brought over. They go over to him.]

Tyson: Ah yeah baby, this is a real happening shindig ya got goin' on.

Upchuck: And might I mention that they are from the very prestigious AZT fraternity house in Haven University.

John: That's right, and we may have an open spot for you someday if you ever go to Haven. Your cousin Oswald was a good AZT brother right through his senior year.

Tyson: 'ey... You got any "older" sisters, like ones that go to college? Ah...hahahahaa!!!!!

Quinn: I don't have an older sister...at least one that goes to college.

Tyson: Ah...what a shame. I could have driven her around town in my red shiny MUSTAAAAANNG!!!!!

Sandi: I almost forgot, we may have to open up another bag of chips.

Quinn: Again? Oh geeze...I want this party to be absolutely perfect. If anything ever goes wrong then that will be it.

[The doorbell rings.]

Quinn: Oh nuts. Could you get that Sandi, I'm tied up right now.

Sandi: Sure...

[Quinn goes into the kitchen to get the chips and get away from Upchuck and his friends. Sandi heads towards the door. Outside of that door...]

Dan: Everything in place?

Fred: Yep! Sure hope they don't mind us bringing flat soda and stale chips.

Dan: I don't think they would. Just stay back there Ryan, you'll be the one sneaking in.

Ryan: How come I'm the one who always has to sneak in?

Fred: Because we want to be let in and not left out.

Ryan: Grrr...

[The door opens and Sandi greets them.]

Sandi: Oh hi! You here for the party?

Dan: Why yes we are! My I sure I hope we got the right place...Quinn said just come on by here anytime we like.

Sandi: Umm...I don't remember Quinn saying anything about more college guys coming...

Dan: Why yes, she invited all us college guys over. In fact some of our friends should be here already...oh they're they are now. Hey guys, how are you!!

Fred: It's Bob! What's he doing here? Oh man this will be fun. Here, we brought some snacks over...hope this won't be an inconvience.

Sandi: Oh no it isn't. Here, let me take that for you.

Fred: Oh gee, that is so kind of you. Already we met a cute girl who's real nice and all.

Sandi(Blushing): Wow...thanks!

Fred: No...thank 'you'.

[Dan and Fred are moving their way into the door saying "hi" to everybody there while Ryan waltzes right in unnoticed and says "hi" to everyone along with Dan and Fred. Sandi hasn't really noticed anything since she still has her wide eyes on Fred.]

Dan: So where's the drinks?

Sandi: Right over there, and we will be getting some more chips and pretzels real soon.

Fred: Already I feel like I'm home.

Sandi: Well enjoy yourselves!

Dan: We will.

[Down in the basement a minute later, Maddog is looking at his watch. Jane and Daria are standing next to him waiting.]

Jane: So?

Maddog: They should be in the door by now. Time to go up.

Daria: Now that I've sneaked into my house, shall I break into my bedroom and steal my own TV?

Maddog: If you say that door leads up to a small hallway, then we should go one at a time. Then dispense quietly into the crowd to blend in.

Daria: Does it 'look' like we can blend in with the Gap Kids?

Maddog: Can you pretend to be invisible at least?

Daria: Sure, in fact I don't need to pretend.

Maddog: Fine... Go up there Jane. When the coast is clear, motion for me to come up next. Then you follow me, "D".

Jane: Gotcha.

[Jane goes up the stairs. After looking both ways, she motions for Maddog to come up. When he does, Jane is already in the next room without anyone noticing her.]

Maddog: Piece of cake...

[He motions for Daria and slides against the wall peering around the corner. Daria comes up and closes the door.]

Daria: Well?

Maddog: Too easy. But don't let your guard down. Now, go mingle in with the people.

Daria: I don't "mingle" with anyone.

Maddog: Haven't even enjoyed your own birthday parties?

Daria: Not really, I still try to sneak out of them. This is the first time I'm doing the 'opposite' of what I usually do.

Maddog: Well stick close then. You don't have to talk to anybody, but we are still infiltrating. Now...the first thing we have to do is locate the center of operations. If we know where that is, then we can take control of it later after we secured other areas.

Daria: And where would that be Mr. Bond?

Maddog: So THAT'S where they keep the food and drinks!

[Maddog goes over to the table and fills his plate with chips and pretzels. He sees Fred going in the kitchen.]

Fred: I don't think this even "looks" like the bathroom.

Quinn: Anything I can help you with...'say'...

Fred: Oh nothing, just wandering round a bit. You wouldn't happen to be the hostess of this little party now would you?

Quinn: Yeah, my name is...

Fred: Quinn, yes. I met your friend Sandi, nice girl.

Quinn: I don't think I ever see you around here, have I?

Fred: Not likely, I'm a...college guy.

Quinn: A real college guy?

Fred: Sophomore taking a major in science and a minor in mathematics.

Quinn: You're quite smart...and 'tall'.

Fred: Well the weather's just fine up here.

Quinn: Hahaha!!

Fred: Say, nice house you have here.

Quinn: Oh thanks, I'll be out here if you need me.

Fred: No problem.

[Quinn leaves.]

Fred: Yes sir...a real nice house. Think we'll "take" this house.

ACT III.

Scene 1:

[Maddog is in the easy chair recliner with his food and soda. Daria is sitting in another chair nearby.]

Maddog: What's with this watered down crap? I swear they put in more ice than they do with the freaking soda.

Daria: I think we have cans of Coke in the fridge.

Maddog: Won't that be used up here?

Daria: Seems like everybody just takes what Quinn puts out. Heck, they may as well lick up her puke like dogs.

Maddog: Glad I didn't take any of the deserts yet. So nobody wants the Coke cans because it wouldn't "fit" in with the party is what you're saying.

Daria: Hmm...I guess it could be that.

Maddog: So what? I still want my freaking Coke even if this is the Arctic. And what the heck you scrunched up for? Freaking 'A' girl, it's your house.

Daria: I feel like a stranger in my own home with all these people here.

Maddog: This party getting you down? Yeah, it's lame all right. Hey Danny! Get over here.

[Dan come over.]

Dan: Yo Maddog, you just won't believe who's here?

Maddog: Try me.

Dan: John and Tyson!

Maddog: Nooo....

Dan: I crap you not my friend.

Maddog: Now this changes everything...

Daria: Who are you talking about?

Dan: They're the guys from our rival fraternity AZT. A bunch of preppies who want to see everybody conform to their own standards.

Daria: Ah, still in high school I see.

Dan: But we play all these pranks and stuff on them. And no matter what they do to ruin Delta House, they always look like idiots.

Maddog: Of course they look like idiots, cuz they 'are' idiots! And how is Lady Jane enjoying herself?

Daria: She's probably just as bored as I am. Doesn't care to talk to anyone in school so she's not about to start now.

Dan: Actually, she's getting quite well with people here.

Daria: She is?

Dan: Yeah...mostly with guys. In fact, she's very friendly with guys.

Daria: Guess I'll have to roll up a newspaper and whap the bad little doggie.

Dan: You gonna rub her nose in it also?

[Daria gives Dan a nasty look.]

Dan: I'm sorry!! Yesh...

Maddog: Think we should say "hi" to those two knuckleheads?

Dan: Naw, I'm staying put for a while.

[Dan sits on the couch.]

Daria: A Coke would be nice right about now.

Maddog: So get one...

[She gets up and heads towards the kitchen, and bumps into Mack and Jodie.]

Jodie: Oh Daria, how are you?

Daria: Umm...fine. So you got invited?

Mack: Yeah...along with the rest of the team I'm afraid.

Jodie: I was trying to look for you. I mean I haven't seen you here since we got here. You are having a party in your own house, right?

Daria: I didn't get invited. My invitation must have got lost in the mail.

Mack(Chuckling): Now that was good.

Daria: Not really...

Jodie: So where you heading off to?

Daria: Getting a drink.

Jodie: Well if you were looking for the drinks, they're over on that table over there.

Mack: I really wish they would have cans of Coke around here...

[Kevin is in the other side of the room with Brittany and he's yelling for Mack.]

Kevin: HEY MACK DADDY!!!! Ya gotta see these moves Brittany's doing, they're really pimping!!

Mack: I just wish...that he would stop...calling me that....

Jodie: Take it easy Ma...I mean Mike. He doesn't know any better.

Daria: He's still trying to get that walking and breathing thing down pat.

Mack: Yeah, ain't that the truth!

[Back to Dan and Maddog who are lounging.]

Dan: Man, this party sucks. This has got to be the crappiest music I have ever heard.

Maddog: Look at all these kids, they don't know how to do jack crap. Call themselves cool party people...bull, man.

Dan: We should take those CD's and burn them.

Maddog: Yeah, let's burn the whole place down...it could only make it better.

Dan: Naw, we gotta show these rugrats how to do it "Delta House" style.

Maddog: Yeah! And with John and Tyson here, this will make it even better.

[They both high five. Meanwhile in the kitchen where Daria is about to open the fridge...]

Fred: Oh hey "D"!

Daria: Oh hi...what are you doing with those drinks?

Fred: I'm taking all the sodas and other ingredients and making some very interesting concoctions. In fact, I'm just finished a batch of my latest stuff.

Daria: What is it?

Fred: Pan-Galactic Garbleblaster.

Daria: "Pan-Galactic Garbleblaster"? Isn't that from the "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"?

Fred: Sure is. A friend of mine showed me how to mix up something like it using real booze. But since everyone's under age here, I mixed up a non-alcohol version. It's still quite the strong stuff!

Daria: Strong stuff made from soft drinks? I don't think so...

Fred: Here, have a glass. I promise it'll give you an experience you'll never forget.

[Fred gives Daria a glass which is still bubbling and steaming. It feels quite cold to the touch. She looks at it suspiciously.]

Fred: Now drink slowly...ah, very slowly now...oh you may as well drink it all up.

[Daria drinks the stuff and the next thing she knows, her eyes start bulging out and her body nearly gets thrown back.]

Daria: WWWWWWHHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fred: You have to give your body time to just to all the sugars. Oh drat, I have to start warning people about it "before" they drink it.

Daria(Hoarse): Too sweet!!!!!!!

Fred: I wished I have put in two olives instead of one...

[She runs out of the kitchen with her can of Coke.]

Dan: Well what's wrong with you now?

Daria(Hacking and coughing): UUHHKKK...that stuff!! What does Fred put in his drinks!?

Maddog: And this is why you should never let a science major serve beverages.

[Tyson and John are standing quite a way from them.]

Tyson: Hey John! You should see this one chick spazing out here. Ahahahaha!!! She's right next to those two guys over there.

John: Yeah, what a plain jane she is.

Tyson: Hey! Those two dudes...I think I seen them somewhere before.

John: Let me see...OH NO!!!!! It's those idiots Dan and Maddog!!!

Tyson: WHAT!?!?!!? Those Delta bums are here!?!?!?!

John: They're after us man!!! They tracked us down here!!

Tyson: What are we going to do??

John: Wait a minute! We're not on their turf. Most of these people are preppies, that means we outnumber them.

Tyson: Yeah! We should run those morons out of town.

[Quinn comes up to them.]

Quinn: Listen you guys, you're very sweet for coming to my party and everything...but could you 'please' keep your friend Upchuck out of my hair, and his hands off of me?

John: Maybe we can get Chuck to help us here.

Quinn(Annoyed): Help with what?

Tyson: Those two guys wearing black shirts, the ones talking to that broad with the green jacket.

Quinn: Let me...OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John: Those morons...

Quinn: What's she doing here!?!?!?!!?!? She'll ruin everything!!!

[Why they are pointing and sneering, we go back to our heroes.]

Daria: Maybe I should know where that goofy friend of yours, Ryan is.

Dan: He's in the bathroom.

Daria: Oh...

Dan: But I wouldn't eat or drink too much because the toilets won't be working.

Daria: And why won't they be working?

[Ryan in is upstairs in the bathroom unrolling paper towels and sticking them in the commode,since he already used up the toilet paper. After that, he takes all the remaining toilet paper rolls and just plops them in.]

Ryan: Yeah, that should do it!!

[He flushes the commode and after it makes weird gurgling noises, the thing starts overflowing. Ryan runs out laughing.]

Scene 2:

[Tyson and John are huddled in a small corner.]

John: Look at those guys over there. They act as though they own this party. I don't even think they were invited at all.

Tyson: Of course they weren't invited! Those idiots do whatever they wanna do. Well they better not try that crap at our AZT parties, because we'll throw them out if they barge right in.

John: We don't have any parties where they barge in. Oh geeze, here they come...

[Dan and Maddog stroll over to them.]

Maddog: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO!!! We see you back here pointing and talking about us so we thought we come over and say "hi".

Dan: Hey John, you're well dressed for a girl's birthday party. Maybe she might kiss you one, eh?

Tyson: Hey Doggie, what's with the ghoul chick you've been hanging out with? I like to know what graveyard you dug her out of.

[John and Tyson laugh like the dorks they are.]

Maddog: She's just someone we gave a ride. You're just jealous because not only would nobody ever give you a lift, but they'll run their car right over your sorry butts.

Tyson: At least I have a woman. In fact, right after this party tonight...I'm gonna 'ROCK' Kathy!

Dan: You still going out with that buffalo? Ewww....

Tyson: Hey!!!

John: This happens to be a real social event, not one of those full blown riots you guys always cause in Haven...OK!!!!!!!

Dan: Aren't all these girls way too young for you John? Guess nothing like that has ever stopped you before.

John: Shut up Dan!!!!

Tyson: Let's get outta here and get some chips and chicks. Ah... Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!

[John and Tyson walk away.]

Maddog: Can you believe it Dan? They were so cocky that they think they have a lot of stroke in this preppie spawning bed.

Dan: I will say that you are correct Mr. Maddog, we wouldn't want these people to get too big for their britches. Now how can we change this party to make it actually good?

Maddog: You can start by changing the crappy music.

Dan: Ok...and then we need to find Ryan.

Maddog: I see him over there talking to "D".

Dan: This should be interesting...

[Ryan is bragging to Daria about how he's this and how he's that.]

Ryan: ...and aside from being the best altar boy in the entire Catholic Church, which I still am, I happen to be a real lady's man.

Daria: You're still an altar boy?

Ryan: Yep! Reason I still serve with Father Norm is because I don't think he can find anybody who's worthy of replacing me.

Daria: Oh yeah, I can't even imagine there'll be another person out there who's like you.

Ryan: You bet. So any minute now all these chicks will be stampeding towards me, rub their hands through my hair, and wrap their arms around me. And you know why?

Daria: They feel the same type of sorrow towards you as they would for a dying slug.

Ryan: Naw, cause I'm "buff"!

Daria: Don't you mean you're "fluff"?

Ryan: They call me Ryan "Buff" Hull...

Daria: Or "Buffy" for short.

Ryan: Hey...at least I'm not the one who's dressed like a bug!

Daria: I rather not take any fashion advice from someone who wears jogging pants out in public.

Ryan: Now I know why the guys call you "D".

Daria: Because I remind them of their grade point average.

Ryan: No, "D" for "Diarrhea". HAhahahahaha!!!!!

[Daria proceeds to kick Ryan's shin real hard with her boot.]

Ryan: OOWWWW!!!! OWOWWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWW!!!!!!!

[Ryan hops on one leg in pain and falls over on a lamp. At this point, Dan and Maddog come in.]

Dan: What have I told you Ryan? You have no social skills whatsoever.

Maddog: Yeah, what's with you man? You act like you're drunk or something.

Daria: I just had a psychotic flashback.

Maddog: Oh, is that all...

Dan: Hey Ryan, why don't you find some people to talk to who "won't" beat you up?

Ryan: It'll be hard, but I'll try.

[Ryan hobbles away.]

Dan: Change in plans, we are replacing this sorry ol' noise for some real music.

[Dan goes over to the nearby stereo system and slowly fades the volume. He takes out the CD and puts in something he brought along. He turns the sound back up and it starts playing alternative rock that sounds more like speed metal.]

Dan: Yeah, that's more like it! We'll play a couple songs like this which should adjust them to the more hardcore stuff later on. In fact, I'll pop in "The Door's Greatest Hits" which will really blow their minds.

Daria: And after we clear out the entire building, we can take our earplugs out.

Dan: Hey, don't be bad mouthing Jim Morrison like that! He's the greatest musician and song writer ever.

Maddog: This coming from someone who's generation considers "Umm, Bop" to actually be considered music.

Daria: I don't even like that song!! Or anything else at all!

Maddog: Whatever...

[Ryan goes over to the punch bowl where Upchuck is boring a couple of girls to tears, literally.]

Upchuck: No really, you don't have to cry. I'll still be coming back to Lawndale often, but as a full fledge member of AZT!

Ryan: Hey, you're not thinking of joining those bunch of losers are you?

Upchuck: If you must know, AZT happens to be a very respectable fraternity...which I doubt you would know anything that 'is' respectable.

Ryan: Well I happen to be a member of Delta House, the coolest frat house in the world!

Upchuck: Delta House!? I hear John and Tyson talk about that piece of trash all the time. Any wonder you're a part of something like it.

Ryan: I'll have you know, I beat up Mr. T!

Upchuck: His gold chains weight more than you do.

[Ryan grabs Upchuck by his lapels and nearly lifts him off the ground.]

Ryan: If you wanna live to see tomorrow...you better zip it whimp!!

Upchuck(Terrified): GEEZE!!!

ACT IV:

Scene 1:

[The party starts to pick up with far better music and more "uninvited" people coming in. The crowd starts getting a bit more rowdy and Quinn isn't sure what to make of all of this.]

Quinn(Confused): What's going on here?? This isn't the way it's suppose to happen...

Sandi: We keep getting more and more college guys in, but most of them are acting, and even looking, like slobs.

Stacy: Yeah, like that one fat dude running around in jogging pants and those coke bottle glasses...like, I can't even believe someone like that would, like, have no shame whatsoever.

Tiffany: And the music! It's not even Top 40, I can't recognize any of them.

Stacy: Like, how did all these people get in here Quinn?

Quinn: That's what I want to know!!

[Daria is outside on the porch drinking her can of Coke when Jane comes out with a bunch of guys.]

Jane: ...and then I said, "I know art, and I know crap...but 'that' my friend is a piece of crap!"

Guys: Hahaha!!!

Jane: Yeah, I'll see you inside guys! Oh hey, Daria!!

Daria: Hey...having fun?

[The guys go back in and then Jane answers.]

Jane: Ugh, I though they never leave. If I have to keep making up more 'BS' then I'll end up as some political speech writer.

Daria: I decided to stay out of the asylum, especially with the lunatics running the place.

Jane: Yeah, what's with all these people we been getting? Quinn couldn't have invited all of them.

Daria: I doubt it. Even all these slobs are way too good for her.

[A car pulls up on the front lawn blasting loud music and some guys get out.]

Some Guy: Hey!! I didn't think you guys would have a frat house all the way out here!

Daria: Frat house??

Jane: Only thing Lawndale has to higher education is that community college, no way we have a frat house in town.

Daria: You got the wrong place.

Some Guy: Ya can't horde all the food and drinks, especially after leaving out the welcome sign! YEEEHHAAWWWWOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[They charge right in.]

Jane: Frat house? Welcome sign? What does...

Daria: Oh crap!

[She runs out to the sidewalk and looks at her house.]

Daria: I don't believe it...

[Jane goes to join her. She looks at the house.]

Jane: Am I seeing what I'm seeing?

[All across the upper story windows is a huge bed sheet spray painted with the black Greek letters of 'Delta Tau Muta'. Fred is looking out the window waving at Daria and Jane. The Morgendorffer home now looks like "Animal House".]

Daria(Astonished): My house...they turned it into a freaking zoo.

Jane: Didn't you always say that your house has always been a zoo?

Daria: I mean a "literal" zoo!

Jane: Oh...

[Fred goes back out into the hallway and sees Tyson talking to a bunch of high school kids wearing preppie shirts.]

Tyson: You wanna know what's going on, well I'll tell you what's going on. It's those idiots from Delta House ruining the whole party. Just wait until I get my hands on those guys, especially that Dan and Maddog. Or even that fat slob Ryan!

Fred(Behind): What about Fred?

Tyson: That big goof! I can deck him out without even trying.

Fred: Wanna bet...

[Fred puts his hand on Tyson's shoulder, and when Tyson turns around to see Fred he freaks out.]

Tyson: Aaahgggghh!!!!

Fred: Hey monkey boy, if you're so freaking tough...then why don't you prove it to me and all your girlfriends here.

[The guys glare...]

Tyson: Oh yeah? I say we get it on right now!

Fred: Fine with me...

[Meanwhile Maddog is lounging on a recliner eating beef sticks and drinking his can of Coke when Daria comes over.]

Maddog: Ah...and how was the fresh air "D"?

Daria: The outside is becoming more like the inside, all crazy.

Maddog: Chaos effect I imagine, you change one itty bitty thing and everything becomes cocked up.

Daria: Yeah, I bring you over here and now we have all these rowdy people.

Maddog: Hmm...Dan and Fred might have been responsible for the advertising. Still, you must admit the party's gone from totally lame to "slightly less lame".

Daria: Were you not you suppose to wreck Quinn's party? Now you guys made it the most popular spot in Lawndale. It's like giving my sister an ego boost with steroids.

Maddog: Patience my dear. Besides, is it my fault you're not a people person?

Daria: I haven't seen you mingle with anyone else either, which you even perfected as a form of art even.

Maddog: I'm a people person...no really, I love people. I absolutely hate all the stupid things people do, but I still like them.

[Maddog gets up and walks around.]

Maddog: Ever played chess?

Daria: I was once in a chess club in the sixth grade. But they closed it when half the members left.

Maddog: What happened?

Daria: I had no one else to play with.

Maddog: You should know that you have to have all the pieces set up before you can even make a few moves. It takes lots of planning to even take out the queen.

Daria: And speaking of which, here comes the queen witch of the universe...

[Quinn storms over to Daria. Maddog stands of to the side and watches the drama unfold.]

Quinn: Just who the 'crap' do you think you are anyway!? My party, which I sent many weeks planning by the way, is going way out of control. And it has your name all over it!!

Daria: I don't know what you're upset for anyway. Since I'm not even invited, I don't actually "exist" here.

Quinn: Look, what are you mad about anyway? I even gave you a whole day at the Mall of the 'freaking' Millennium!

Daria: Went there, did that, got bored. At least a bunch of guys were nice enough to give me a ride back. If you are going to give me a one-way ticket, at least make it an interesting country like England.

Quinn: And what's with this music!? I don't even listen to any of these songs! And where the did all my CD's go?

Daria: I didn't think you would notice since most music sound the same anyway. Hmm...I think I seen Fred put your CD's in the dishwasher because of possible "dirty lyrics", at least that's what he said.

Quinn: What!? Why are you always doing this to me Daria? Is this your sole purpose in life, to completely embarass me!?!?

Daria: Ummm...yeah. But you do a good job of it by yourself.

[Quinn's Fashion Club friends come over.]

Sandi: I think we "really" gonna need some more chips...oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were talking to your cousin, or am I thinking of friend?

Quinn: I never seen this person in my life before!!

[At this point, Daria gets very...very ticked off. Maddog slightly sucks on his lips for a split second and decides to jump in.]

Maddog: Hey sweetheart! Go take yo Martha Stewart wannabe butt back in the kitchen and fetch me some freaking cookies. And don't bring me any more of your home ec failures either...

Quinn(Right up to his face): It was you, IT WAS YOU!!!!!! You and all your slobby friends crashed my party!!

[Maddog puts his beef stick in his mouth and holds it there like a cigar just staring at her.]

Quinn: What right do you have to come in here like that!? Answer me!!

[Maddog takes out his beef stick and puts on a maniacal grin.]

Maddog: Eat me...

Quinn: And you're even drinking all the Coke we have. That's for my daddy!

Maddog: Tell him I said thanks...

[Maddog then belches in Quinn's face.]

Maddog: "Bbllllllweeeeeeerrrrrppppppppccchhhhhh!!!!!"

Quinn(Disgusted): I don't have to stand around here and take any more of this...

Maddog(Smiling): Go eat me.

[Quinn storms off in a tizzy...right in front of the Fashion Club.]

Maddog: I just can't figure her out. One minute she's the most pleasant person in the world and the next...well we're talking Jeckel and Hyde here. I read about teenage schizophrenia but really...

Daria: Oh, we should be getting her special medication in shortly so she'll go back to being normal. Well the actually definition of "normal" may vary on your point of view.

Stacy: Umm..yeah, like we'll just go back to whatever we were doing before.

[They go off looking bewildered.]

Maddog: Snippy little bopper, eh?

Daria: When I get my hands on her, I'll bop her freaking head against the wall.

Maddog: Please, you act as though she's a formidable adversary. Hahahaha... Oh that is to laugh.

Daria: Have you had to have her as a sibling?

Maddog: No and it makes me more thankful of being born an only child. Now...we shall be into the next phase by now. We'll have some of the bishops and knights knocked off and then the queen will be within your grasp.

Daria: And just how...

[Just before she finishes, they hear loud stomping noises above their heads.]

Daria: What the...

Maddog: Forget it, as soon as I get word to Dan the show's about to begin.

Daria: And what show would that be?

[Maddog gives her a sneaky little grin on his chin.]

Maddog: Wait...

Scene 2:

[Dan and Jane are next to the stereo system talking.]

Dan: Now where the heck is Ryan? He's suppose to be back here about now.

Jane: I think I saw him with his shirt over his head screaming something I can hardly understand while chasing a poor young girl.

Dan: It wouldn't happen to be, "I am the Great Ryan HULL-IO!" would it?

Jane: Think so. And that's when Daria said something about having another pyschotic flashback.

Dan: I told the moron to lay off Fred's drinks...and I can't seem to find Fred either.

[Various noises come from upstairs with lots of shouting and even cheering.]

Jane: Man, I don't even recognize the place anymore.

Dan: Hey Ryan, get over here!!

[Ryan comes over looking like a complete mess.]

Ryan: Ah man!! This is freaking awesome! It's like being in high school again.

Dan: How 'bout I give you a wedge for old time's sakes?

Ryan: No way!!

Dan: Well come on! We got a show to do. I'll just put in this music and...hello? What do we have here...

[Dan picks up a microphone.]

Jane: Oh that? Must be from the karoke set Daria's parents bought. She said it was the one brief moment when they both realize how embarassing they are even to themselves. Didn't last long though.

Dan: This will be great...and I don't mean for "Acky Breaky Heart" either.

Ryan: I wanna sing "Volarie" on it with my ukulele.

Dan/Jane: NO!!!

[In another room, the football team is getting really rowdy... especially Kevin. Brittany is absolutely not happy about it.]

Brittany: Knock it off right now Kevin!! We're here at a nice party Quinn has invited us to and you're all acting like a bunch of monkeys! If you guys don't stop....HEY!!!! Put me down right now Kevin!! YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brittany screams as Kevin runs around the room with her. Quinn is watching the whole thing in horror.]

Quinn: I can't believe any of this! This whole thing is nothing but an awful nightmare. So Daria brought some guys over to ruin my party, eh? Well I got guys of my own!!

[She looks around the room to find Jeffery, Joey, and Jamie. And they are in no better condition then the rest of the football team.]

Jeffery: Yippee KI-yo 'freaking' A!!!!!!!

[In fact, all three of them are dancing around on the dining room table.]

Quinn: What are you guys doing!?!?! You're suppose to be my escorts!!!

[She picks up a tea towel and shoos them off.]

Joey: Check it out, we got a chick talking to us!

Jamie: Allllll.....RIGHTY THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeffery: We gotta get her a drink, man!

Quinn: You've been drinking!?!?!!?

Jeffery: Just some Pen Garblewarbleflrakle...Blastie things or whatever. Man, they got more freaking sugar than a hundred boxes of Saturday Morning Cereals!

Joey: Hey...you really should hear Jamie do his Jim Carey impersonation.

Jamie: Alllllllllll....."RIGHTY" THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quinn: Can't any of you buffoons see what's going on here!? We got some party crashers coming into MY party and made it into some sick and twisted parody!! And I want YOU guys to throw them out of my house, now!!!!

Jeffery: What...you mean the Delta Guys? Man, they are so freaking awesome!!! They really put on a kicking party!

Joey: Yeah! How come you never put on a real good party like this Quinn?

Quinn: WHHHHAAATTTT!?!?!?!!?

Jamie: Allll......

Quinn: Oh shut up already!!!!

[She throws her hands up in disgust and leaves. Meanwhile, Daria walks by a closet and hears something drop on the floor. She knows that it wasn't coming from upstairs where there is a lot of banging and yelling.]

Daria: Ok, whatever you people are doing in there...you better open up the mothballs when you're finished.

[The door opens and it's Jodie and Mack inside.]

Jodie: Is it safe to come out yet?

Mack: Geeze, what the heck happen to your house!?

Daria: Some things are not worth asking.

Jodie(Nervous): You know something...we better get going as soon as possible. I mean, I just can't really adjust to these frat house parties.

Mack: Yeah, we're going to go see a movie instead. See ya!!

[They run out as fast as they can.]

Daria: Whatever these guys are doing...they're really wrecking the place.

[Jane comes running over to Daria.]

Jane: Hey, come on!! They're going to get a show started.

Daria: Oh let me guess, Ryan's gonna belch out the entire alphabet.

[The music stops with a loud screeching feedback. Then silence, except for the loud ruckus still going on upstairs...as well as as few crashing noises.]

Jane: They're gonna thank all the people for coming to their party.

Daria: "Their" party? Wasn't Quinn who...

Jane(Tauntingly): Not any more.... HAHAHAHA!!!!

[Dan and Ryan get up on the table and Dan grabs the mike.]

Dan: Hello Lawndale!!!!!!

[Everybody cheers very loudly. Daria and Jane enter the room. Maddog is still sitting in the chair drinking his soda.]

Dan: We want to welcome everybody to our little party that we're having for all you guys. And if you forgot who we are...and who wouldn't after having some of Fred's concoctions, we are..... DELTA HOUSE!!!!!!

Crowd: DELTA....HOUSE!!!!!!!! DELTA.....HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quinn comes running in the room.]

Quinn: THIS ISN'T YOUR PARTY!!!!!!!!!! Nobody invited you here!!!

Dan: Listen lady, if you wanna dance then you'll have to wait till I'm done here...and when you finally reached puberty.

Crowd: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Quinn: I know all about you guys!!! You're nothing more than a bunch of hoodlems who do nothing more but cause pranks and crash parties! John is right about you...you PEOPLE!!!!!

Dan: Well where's your boyfriend John now?

Quinn: He had to go upstairs to get Tyson so he can stop you!!! But none of them came down.

[More thumping from the ceiling.]

Dan: Look all around you little girl! You let all these people in your house without even knowing who they are and you had completely lost control here. So we're taking over!!!

Crowd: YYYYYEAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Daria looks behind her and see Maddog giving her a "toast" with his can.]

Dan: Now we do the entertainment!! Ready Ryan?

Ryan: You....bet!!

[Dan takes the small remote in his hand and presses the button. A CD he has in there starts playing this extremely loud music that's a cross between punk metal and rap.]

Music: "Are you ready.....BREAK IT DOWN!!!!!!"

[Then with the sound of the guitar riffs and drum beats, they start dancing like mad men and everybody loves it. Except for anyone with the last name of Morgendorffer.]

Quinn: Get off that table and stop it right now!!!!

[She swats a towel at them but they completely ignore her. The crowd is laughing at this spectacle.]

Quinn(Stomping her foot many times): Get....out....of....my........HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[On the last stomp, her high heel breaks and she starts falling.]

Quinn: WWWHHHHOOOOOOAAAA!!!!!!!

[She crashes into a bunch of guys and they all break a large lamp nearby.]

Dan: Timber!!!!

[The entire room breaks into hysterical laughter, including Jane.]

Jane: HAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHAHHAAHAHHAAHA!!!!!!!!

[She even rolls around the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Daria walks over to Maddog who does nothing but smile at her.]

Maddog: I would like to get up there and act like a fool, but I got gas.

ACT V.

Scene 1:

[Some time afterwards, the party gets back to what they laughingly say is "normal". The stereo is playing "The End" by The Doors. Daria is still talking to Maddog and anyone who noticed them figured they are having a friendly little chat.]

Daria: You call this "normal"!?!? My house is virtually destroyed!!!!

Maddog: Relax... We're only doing what you want us to do.

Daria: Do you really think I wanted all of THIS!?!?

Maddog: Read between the lines. You wanted us to help you wreck Quinn's party and we did it. Nobody ever said we can't do this or that.

Daria: Ok, so I wanted to seriously embarass my sister and make her look like a fool. But not with a "freaking" nuke bomb!!!

Maddog: Why didn't you just tell her to "blow the crap off" when she gave you those crummy tickets. At least you would have saved yourself all this hassle.

Daria(Throws hands up in the air): Oh sure...why don't I just go completely mad while we're at it. Crap, I'll just cap my whole life off with a visit to a shrink.

Maddog: Oh I still can't see why you let your sister get to you. She's nothing...for crying out loud, I known far worse people then that!

Daria: This has nothing to do with my sister! Ok, so it does a little bit. But still...

Maddog: The crap it doesn't! Look, just have a seat and calm down...eh?

[Daria takes a long breath and sits in a nearby chair.]

Maddog: Don't take it the wrong way, but you're a "blocker" like Dan said. Or at least you block out the crap that people shove on you, not that I would blame you for it. Believe me, stupidity is the lowest common denominator of humanity.

Daria: So I find the whole world completely stupid, what a freaking revelation that is.

Maddog: Ah...but you keep your feelings bottle up do you? You don't want to unleash them because then people will really be PO'ed at you. So it's all kept in while more is being dumped on you. And soon, you end up reaching a breaking point which you just...can't...take it....anymore. 'Then' you finally go nuts!

Daria: Nice analysis you did of me, so how much is the bill?

Maddog: I was talking about myself...

Daria: What?

Maddog: Well I freaking had to go to high school myself once you know. But I'm telling you this as well because I have seen a young woman go insane once and it wasn't pretty. Anyways, you just gonna have to take charge of the situtation here.

Daria: Oh really?

Maddog: Yeah really! Who's the eldest child in the family?

Daria: Well I am.

Maddog: Who's the one out of the whole family that is the most mature and actually has to do all the thinking for them?

Daria(Ticked off): I am.

Maddog(Standing up): And who's the only person that has to take care of the household after your parents come home plastered from drinking all that High Ball?

Daria(Stands up too): I'm the one who has to freaking do it all!

Maddog: Now you go and tell that mental midget of your sister she has to be kept in her place! Look, you're the intelligent type. Fine, so you're freaking "smart". Why not use those brains of yours and stick it to her?

Daria: Ok, how?

Maddog: Here's our chessboard...we broke into the opponent's side and open them up. We nearly have complete control. But the queen is still there and she's a nasty one. Now...how do you get the queen to finish the game?

Daria: Hmm....

Maddog: Think it over while I'll get us some more drinks. If I don't come back it's because I'm stuck talking to somebody.

Daria: Sure. Wait, of course...

Maddog: What?

Daria: I got it. Wished I thought of this sooner. I'll go find Jane.

Maddog: Have fun.

[Daria leaves Maddog and sees Jane over on the other side.]

Jane: Oh there you are. How come you never share your Cokes with me?

Daria: Never mind, I got something that's worth your while.

[Daria whispers something in Jane's ear.]

Jane: You sure you want me to do that?

Daria: Exactly like that. You'll see for yourself later.

Jane: Ok...

[Jane walks off.]

Daria(To herself): "I never expect 'you' to have a party...much let go to one.", eh? I'll have myself a big blow out here.

[She then sees Quinn in the next room with her head against the wall and her hand over her eyes.]

Daria: Mom told you to stand in the corner again?

Quinn(Turns towards Daria): Oh don't even speak to me...

Daria: You'll never know how I love to do so.

Quinn: You can't do this you know! I see what's going on here... well forget it!! If YOU of all people are trying to ruin my whole day then you can just...

Daria: Shut up.

Quinn: What??

Daria: If anything, you really brought this down upon yourself. You lie to Mom and Dad about not having any parties but you go out and have one anyway. And you even tried to get rid of me hoping I won't get back until afterwards. Didn't I tell you I will be collecting my "payment" for all this?

Quinn: All right, fine!! But what are you going to do about it!?

Daria: Do? I hardly had to do anything. You see Quinn, there are two types of people in this world. Those who work "smart" and those who work "too hard". But there is one little thing I'm going to do that will spread the icing on the cake.

Quinn(Seething): What 'are' you going to do...

Daria: Oh! And here it comes now right behind you. You're really going to love these people.

[Quinn turns around and suddenly she experiences a horrible shock like she has never experienced before.]

Quinn: Oh, you wouldn't....dare!!!!!!!

Daria(Smiling): Watch me...

[The Fashion Club comes over to them.]

Quinn: Listen guys, I'm really sorry...

Stacy: Don't sweat it, ok. We wanted to talk to your cousin...um friend. I keep forget which one it is.

Tiffany: She can be both a friend and cousin, right? I mean my cousin is like a best friend with the way we share our Barbie dolls...oh, I'm sorry. Go right ahead...

Stacy: Anyway, we like never want to be behind on anything so we thought we...you know.

Daria: Yeah?

Stacy: Like, we ask you for some fashion advice...

Quinn: You're going to 'her' for fashion advice!?!?!? Oh I don't FREAKING believe this!!!!!

Sandi: Well at least that's what this one girl told us.

Quinn: What girl?

[Jane comes over to join them.]

Quinn: Oh this just couldn't get any more worse, can it!

Jane: So...the whole gang's all here, well quite nice! I'm telling you ladies, "D" girl really looks quite stunning and up to date. Would you say so Stacy?

Stacy: Ummm...I guess so.

Quinn: And what the crap do you know about fashion anyway!?!?

Jane: Hey, I know art...and I know crap.

Stacy: You know something? She's going for the retro 90's look with a cross between old school grunge and the neo-militaristic look.

Quinn: Retro 90's?? Don't you mean "retro 70's" which she clearly does not hip even by 'those' standards.

Sandi: And as always Quinn, you are so way behind in the fashion industry that you probably share the same dress as Wilma Flintstone. We're now in the "retro 80's" but that's fading away right now. Word on the Internet that just before the year 2000, everybody will be doing "retro 90's"

Tiffany: So you see, she's way ahead of anybody else which makes her even more cool. Did you know that people on the Internet are the first to know what the current trends are? And they say computer geeks are not "chic"...

Quinn(Confused): I don't get it...I just don't get it....

[She wonders off in a total daze.]

Sandi: So Quinn's cousin or...whatever the crap you call yourself, what do you think we should be wearing out in public for everyone to see?

Daria: I would have to go with...brown.

Stacy: Brown?

Daria: Yes, moldy brown. The more dull the better.

Jane: Here's a tip, instead of paying an arm and a leg for the moldy brown stuff at the mall...you can get them at any thrift store cause they're on sale everyday there.

Sandi: Ok, thanks guys....

[The three girls leave the scene.]

Jane: This calls for one of Fred's drinks.

Daria: Don't have too many, you're walking home tonight.

[After Jane left, Daria turns around and goes back to Maddog who saw the whole thing.]

Daria: White queen takes black queen. Checkmate.

Maddog(Grinning): Not bad...for an amateur.

Scene 2:

[A half hour later, things are starting to wind down a bit. Daria and Jane are standing with Dan and Maddog and they are surveying their work.]

Dan: Wow, didn't we think can damage the place...much.

Maddog(Quietly): Yeah...shades of Pennyville.

Jane: I had never seen Quinn break down in tears like she just did a few minutes ago.

Daria: It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to.

Maddog: Take a good look all around you "D", now...aren't you really happy of our handy work here?

Daria: Somehow...I'm not.

Maddog: What? You're a hard girl to please.

Daria: There's just one little thing I would love to see...

Dan: Go ahead and name it! Delta House can make your dreams come true.

Daria: Just once...I would 'love' to see Quinn become very, very, very disgusted that she can never show her face again ever.

Maddog: Umm, ok. So how 'bout it Dan?

Dan: Wait, I got a good one.

[He whispers something in Maddog's ear.]

Maddog(Laughing): Oh, you don't really mean it do you!?

Dan: Why not?

Maddog: Do it man, do it!

Dan: Hey Ryan, get over here!!

[Ryan comes over wearing a bed sheet as a toga.]

Ryan: TOGA...toga...uh, yeah?

Dan: See that one girl over there?

[He points at Quinn who is off talking to Brittany. It is very plain that Quinn is completely upset.]

Dan: She wants you Ryan...she wants you real bad.

Ryan: I see someone who's aching to be taken...

[He heads off towards Quinn and Brittany.]

Maddog: That's your Christmas gift, "D".

[Quinn walks away from Brittany though. And Ryan is heading towards Brittany.]

Brittany: I really feel sorry for Quinn and how her whole party became a disaster. Maybe I'll share some of my tips...EEEEWWWW!!!! What do you want!?!?

[Ryan is leering at her. Dan slaps his head after seeing this.]

Dan: That's the wrong one you idiot!!!

Daria: Well, nice try anyway.

Jane: Now hang on here. This may be just as entertaining...

[Ryan must have said some real obnoxious comments because Brittany walks away with completely disgusted.]

Ryan: What did I say!? Geeze, what's with these cheerleader chicks anyway?

[Kevin strolls over to him with a drink in his hand.]

Kevin: Excuse me for butting in here but didn't you say something about cheerleaders and chicks?

Ryan: Yeah! They're either too easy or a bunch of ice queens.

Kevin: I hear you man! They can be a bunch of stuck ups you know. But let me tell you something, once you know how to press their buttons...they are yours.

Ryan: Well I like to press 'her' buttons!

[He points at Brittany who has her back turned to them.]

Kevin: Ohhh!!! Now that's the best of the whole lot! She's a real cutie.

Ryan: Oh yeah! You know her well? Cause I would love to get to know her much better, if ya know what I mean...

Kevin: Oh sure I know her! We've been going steady for such a long time.

Ryan: Whoa, you mean I had been making a pass at your girlfriend? I'm gonna get some drinks...

[Ryan high tails it outta there. Kevin hadn't noticed he left.]

Kevin: Let me tell you, she can really squeal....

[Kevin gets a confused look on his face and looks around.]

Kevin(Angry): HEY!!!!!! Whadda you mean you been making a pass at my girl!?!?!? Where are you??? Oohhh....I gonna rip your hide man!!!!

[Some guys from the football team come over.]

Player: What's up Big Kev?

Kevin: That fat little toad's been after my woman!!

Player: Where is he then? We'll get him for you!!

[The other players grunt in agreement.]

Kevin: There he is!!!!! Right at the kitchen door!!! GET HIM!!!!!

Ryan: Uh oh!

[Ryan runs through the kitchen and out the back door. The football team run after him. Dan is laughing over the whole thing.]

Dan: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Jane: Well we know who's going to be missing for awhile.

[The jocks charge outside but Ryan hides around the corner and after they went pass him, he sneaks back into the house through the basement. Ryan comes out through the hall door and rejoins the party.]

Dan: Speaking of missing, where the heck is Fred??

[The loud bunch of people are coming down the stairs chanting Fred's name and he comes down with them holding a shaken up bottle of soda that sprays all over the place.]

Crowd: FREDDY!! FREDDY!!! FREDDY!!!!!

Dan: Whoa!! What happen up there?

Fred: Ah man, it was freaking awesome!!! Me and Tyson had a huge brawl upstairs! And I even got a few shots on John who tried to helped him out. That'll teach those "jobronies" not to mess with the World Champion Of Backyard Wrestling!

Daria: You guys were fighting upstairs? And I thought it was a bunch of elephants doing a waltz.

Fred: I found a real neat room with padded walls!! Man, I was bouncing Tyson all over the place.

Daria: That's my room! Please tell me you hadn't trashed the place...not that there's anything worth trashing to begin with.

Fred: Naw! A few things got knocked over, but I wasn't even hurting him in there. So I threw him in another bedroom with 'lots' of breakable stuff! I used everything as weapons...makeup his in the eyes, wrapped a baby t-shirt around his face, and I even whipped him with a bunch of fashion design belts.

Dan: What happened to John?

Fred: Him? I just left him in the bathroom after giving him a swirly. The toilet was overflowed but I stuck his head and flushed anyway.

Jane: What a minute, the room you trashed would happen to be...

Quinn(Screaming from upstairs): MY ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: And you say my room is hardly damaged at all, right?

Fred: I believe so, yes.

Daria: Only in America...

[Quinn is mortified when she sees her room in utter destruction. Tyson is lying across a fallen dresser with a bunch of clothes all over him.]

Quinn: Why were you in my room, and what were you doing in here!?!?

Tyson(Dazed): Hey...that's what I want to know.

[Downstairs...]

Dan: Well I think we should be getting back to Haven for "our" big party. It's been fun "D" but we do have to get going here.

Daria: Didn't you guys say you never leave any party without someone calling the cops?

Dan: Oh yeah... Hang on, I have to make a quick call.

[Dan grabs the phone and dials 911.]

Dan(Fake voice): Police? Yes, I want to report a loud disturbance at...

[He looks at Daria who gives him the address, and he tells it to the operator.]

Dan: I want you to come right away!! What!?!? Whadda you mean how serious is it?? There is a lot of underage drinking going on here, and they're even selling drugs...yes that's right. DRUGS!!!

Jane(Whispering): Oh this outta be cute...

Dan: I pay my taxes and I want you to come right now and do a bust!! Ok, so you'll send a SWAT team and even some DEA officers. Wonderful! About time you guys do something about this! What...five minutes you say? Good. Thank you for your time...

[Dan hangs up.]

Dan: Ok everyone, we gotta be outta here in less than five minutes! Fred, you find Ryan and don't tell anyone else.

Fred: Gotcha Dan.

[Fred looks through the house for Ryan while the others are going out through the front door. Ryan is standing on the couch in the living room in his toga.]

Ryan: I am The Lizard King!!!

Some Guy: No you're not! Jim Morrison is the Lizard King.

Ryan: Well he's dead so I'm the Lizard King.

Fred: Hey Ryan, quit goofing around and get over here! We gotta leave!

Ryan: Already!? Oh geeze...

[Ryan goes with Fred and they run outside to their car.]

Fred: Where the heck are those guys?

Ryan: Look!

[He points to the bush where Dan, Maddog, Jane, and Daria are sticking their heads out from behind.]

Fred: Is there something I should know about?

Dan: Get down!!

[A phalanx of police cars come barreling down the street and surround Daria's house. The cops bust in and throw the people out. Our heroes watch the whole thing from behind the bushes.]

Dan: HAHAHAHA!!! Hey, John and Tyson are being hauled out!

Ryan: Yeah, and so is that dumb goofy football team that chased me out!

Fred: Along with the cheerleader you were hitting on.

Ryan: Ah shucks!

Dan: I was pointing at the one wearing the pink causal outfit, why didn't you go to her?

Ryan: Cause she's too scrawny!! I always go after big game.

Maddog: That why you never get any women Ryan...

Ryan: Grrrr....

Jane: I haven't seen Quinn come out in handcuffs yet.

Daria: Give it some time. At least she's getting her first taste at going to those college keggers.

Jane: All hail the Keg Queen! Hahaha!!!

Daria: So...now what? I won't be able to go home for a while, like in a day or so.

Jane: Yeah, that place is a real mess. Sure you're not real upset about it?

Daria: Naw. My sister will have to clean the whole place herself before Mom and Dad get back. At least we can qualify for a Federal Disaster Aid funding.

Jane: We can head for my place, but the cable's not working and my brother won't be back for a couple more hours.

Maddog: I got an idea. Hey Dan...

[He whispers something to Dan.]

Dan: Think we should?

Maddog: Why not?

Dan: Ok...girls, we really like what you guys did back there and think you're cool. So on behalf of Delta House, we like for you to come along to a big homecoming party we are having in Haven University.

Daria: You're "inviting" us?

Maddog: Who said anything about inviting anybody? But if you want to crash our party, then at least we can give you two a ride up there.

Fred: Yeah...that's an excellent idea.

Ryan: Alright!!!

Daria: I don't know about this...

Jane: Come on Daria! We're going to a real party, not some craphole ball that your sister goes to.

Dan: You really should come "D". In the words of the great poet Jim Morrison, "Break on through...to the other side!"

Daria: So you want me along even if I hate the Doors?

Maddog: Hey, I utter hate and despise anything that has to do with MTV. But you're cool with us, so whadda say?

[Maddog holds his hand out.]

Daria(Smiling): It would be an honor.

[She shakes hands with Maddog. And so our story ends here...for now.]

 

Part 2: "Black Friday"

{Please read Part 1, "The Outsiders"
first in order to make sense out of this next story...
as if it'll make any sense at all.}

ACT I.

Scene 1:

[Some far distance out from Lawndale, and still quite a way from Haven University...there lies a small gas station that is also a convenience store. A customized limo known as the Deltamobile pulls up towards the pumps. Fred gets out of the car and slams the door very hard, and Ryan gets out still wearing his toga from the last party.]

Fred: Get outta here Ryan!! Yeah you, get going!!!!!!

Ryan: Whadda I do now?

Fred: You wanna go to the bathroom? Go to the freaking bathroom!! We could have stop along the wooded areas and you could have gone behind the trees. But... NOOO!!!!! You make a big deal out of it and spent the last two hours bugging me about it!

Ryan: Hey, I'm not going in the bushes! What if a bear comes along and eats me?

Fred: Then I feel very sorry for the bear.

Ryan: Grrr...

Fred: And take that stupid bed sheet off!! We're not going to a toga party...yet!

[Ryan goes inside. Dan and Maddog get out to stretch their legs and Daria and Jane come out to join them.]

Fred: You guys go ahead, I have to gas up for the trip back.

Maddog: Good idea, I'll pick up some snacks and crap.

Daria: I'm getting myself a burrito and some antacid for desert, you want anything Jane?

Jane: Yeah, get me one. Man, I'm starving...

[Maddog and Daria go into the store. Dan and Jane are leaning against the wall right near a pay phone.]

Jane: You never said why you guys were in Lawndale.

Dan: I thought we did, about getting a band for our party.

Jane: Yeah, I remember now. So did you get one?

Dan: Well... Crap!!! I completely forgot! Now we have nobody to play at our party...

Jane: Aren't there any garage bands who can play for free drinks?

Dan: Only one, and they're on a world tour. Of course their world only consists of the whole state and nothing more.

Jane: Hey, my brother has a band. In fact, he should be home by now.

Dan: Is he any good?

Jane: Um, mostly would end up doing Doors cover songs at some pub like Daria always said they would.

Dan: That's perfect!! What's the number?

[Back at the Lane household in Lawndale, Trent and Jesse are practicing and take a breather.]

Jesse: Man...I'm still bummed out with that show being canceled and all.

Trent: Yeah, and we spent all that money we put into getting the stuff and we're now broke. If we don't come up with at least four hundred bucks to cover our expenses, it's the end of the line for us.

Jesse: That really sucks man...

[The cordless phone in the basement rings and Trent answers it.]

Trent: Yeah...

Jane: Trent, it's me Jane. I'm glad you just got back.

Trent: Where were you Janey? You were gone for the whole day and we hung around the house. The gig got canceled.

Jane: Never mind that, can you guys make it to Haven University for a party at eight o'clock?

Trent: Are you nuts!? Haven's a three hour drive and we can't afford to crash any keggers. Don't tell me you'll be at a frat house party...

Jane: It's not a real kegger, just a "homecoming" party they're having. I'll have Dan explain it.

Trent: Who's Dan?

[Dan takes the phone.]

Dan: Hey Trent ol' buddy, how are you? We heard great things about...{pause}...your band. Listen, we want you guys to bring your instruments and your terrific talent and come on up right away to Delta House at Haven University. Just ask someone when you get there and they'll direct you.

Trent: Sure I like to do a gig at a big college town, but you have to understand that we're strapped for some cash right now and would really need to pay for it.

Dan: Ok, how about a meager sum of...$800. Money is no object for us since one of our brothers comes from a rich family.

Trent: Did you say eight hundred dollars?

Dan: Oh ok...a thousand even. but we really can't go over our budget.

Trent: Whoa, a thousand dollars!? We'll take it!!

Dan: But I understand that a starving artist like yourself would rather come and do it for the sheer pleasure of it all.

Trent: Yes, of course...

Dan: And we'll even have free drinks for you... What? Hang on a sec.

[Jane tells Dan something and he gets back on the phone.]

Dan: Your sister has told me that Daria will be there as well. Whatever that means, so if you're still interested...

Trent: Right, we'll be there as soon as we can!

Dan: And I'll look forward to meet you boys. It's been a pleasure to do business with you.

[Dan hangs up and Trent looks at Jesse.]

Jesse: Well what is it?

Trent: We got a gig up at Haven to do a party for Delta House.

Jesse: Did you say Delta House? I heard legends about these guys, they really know how to put on the biggest and best parties ever. Someone just told me a rumor about them being in Lawndale today, which explain the entire police force driving by.

Trent: And here's how much they pay us...

[Trent tells Jesse the amount and they both start playing air guitar in pure excitement. Meanwhile back at the gas station...]

Dan: Now you sure they'll come tonight? This has to be very important.

Jane: Trent will come, especially with Daria being there as well.

Dan: What, she owes him money?

[Daria and Maddog come out of the store with a box full of snacks.]

Daria: Now explain this whole "Black Friday" thing to me again?

Maddog: It's quite simple...Haven will be holding a formal dance right after the homecoming football game. It used to be open to all the students but now it's being sponsored by AZT and is invitation only.

Daria: So you guys will want to crash...

Maddog: Exactly! But we are going to make it a very big show out of it and nearly everybody will be wearing black Delta shirts, on a Friday. And that's we call it "Black Friday".

Daria: I'm not sure if I want to live through another of your "quaint" parties like the one in Lawndale..

Maddog: Are you kidding? What we did to your sister's party is just foreplay compared what we have in store for tonight.

Daria: Well let's just say that you guys better not return for a long time, especially after the thing with the cops.

Maddog(Absently): Yeah well, this ain't the first time we went through this...

Daria: Is there something you're not telling me?

Maddog: Hey, we're here and those idiots are still back in Lawn- Dump. And what exactly are they going to do, eh?

[Halfway between Lawndale and the gas station, a convoy of three cars are driving and each of them are tuned to the Top 40 station playing "Mmm...Bop". But nobody is as cheerful and upbeat. The first car is a small red 4x4 with Kevin and Brittany in the front seat and John, Tyson, and Upchuck in the back.]

Kevin: Man, just wait until I get my hands on that Ryan Hull! Making moves on my woman...

Brittany: How do you think I feel!! Especially with that 'horrible' thing he wants to do.

Kevin: What horrible thing!?

Brittany: I can't even mention it, it's too yechy!!!

John: You can have Ryan, but those two idiots are ours.

Tyson: Hey Chuckie, that's a brilliant idea having the entire football team along to kick Delta House's butt.

Upchuck: Hey, we've been arrested! And those big tough guys want revenge.

Brittany: I still can't believe Daria and Jane would get mixed up with those kinds of people. That whole alienation thing is really getting to them.

Tyson: It don't matter!! She's one of them, and she's going down with them!

John: Hey, gimme that cell phone. I'll try to call our AZT brothers and let them know what's going down. And we better get back to Haven real soon before they start their "Black Friday".

[Upchuck whispers behind Brittany's ear.]

Upchuck: Hey Britty, you smell much nicer than some pine tree hanging off a rear view mirror. Rrrrrroooooowwwwww!!!!!!!

[Brittany puts down her seat banging Upchuck's head real hard.]

Upchuck: OOOOOWWWWW!!!!

John: Hey, watch it up there!

[In the yellow car is Quinn, her three followers, and the same guy from "Malled" who drove them.]

Guy: You sure this is a good idea? I mean, the gas for the trip alone eats up half of my paycheck from work.

Quinn: Shut up and drive! I wanna get those morons before the football team does anything to them first. I want you guys to take care of those Delta guys without getting high or drunk. Think you idiots can handle that much?

[The four guys mumble something like "yeah"...]

Quinn: And I'm taking care of that "moppet" sister of mine, and we'll settle this whole thing once and for all!!

Joey: So like what should we do?

Quinn: Whoever hurts them the most gets a 'real' date with moi... and we'll break curfew if you know what I mean.

Jeffery: Yeah, we'll get those bums!!

[And in the pickup truck behind them is the whole football team save for Mack and Kevin. They are all just grunting.]

Scene 2:

[The much esteemed Haven University. It's a small college town that's not very well known for anything...except for Delta House. The limo pulls up through the front lawn of a house on fraternity row, knocking the mailbox over. The six people get out and look at the building which is straight out of "Animal House".]

Jane: Geeze, I seen something like that in a James Belushi move!

Daria: It's looks exactly like my house...after "you" guys came.

Dan: Good... Cuz for now on, this is your home away from home. Welcome girls, you are honored guests of Delta House!

Daria: And you'll give us the golden key to this magnificent palace.

Maddog: Would you settle to the key to the bathroom?

[They go inside, whiche makes the outside look less of an eye sore. A guy is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating chips.]

Dan: Hey Chad, how were things?

Chad: Dan! 'Bout freaking time you got back. What took you so long?

Dan: Oh we went to a small party, it was nothing major.

[Daria and Jane look at each other and roll their eyes.]

Chad: So where's the band?

Dan: They're coming.

Chad: When?

Dan: In a couple of hours, depending how the traffic is.

Chad: Dude, this is Black Friday! Tonight may be the most glorious moment in Delta House history.

Dan: Yeah it will be, just relax...they'll come.

Daria: A band?

Jane: Oh I forgot to tell you... I told them about Trent and they're coming up tonight to play. Didn't I tell you this is going to be a great party?

Daria: Oh I'm really happy, if I was any more happier I just couldn't freaking contain myself...

Jane(Sighing): And I thought this would be one of your rare emotional moments.

Daria: Well thanks for not telling me, that'll be the last time you hear me talk about it...not that I ever talked about it before.

Chad: Ah, Brother Dan...I believe we have some "important" matters to discuss that shouldn't be privy to these outsiders...

Maddog: Easy Chad, these people are our honored guests. We helped them back at Lawndale and now they'll help us out here.

Jane: Help you out?

Maddog: You two have a "caliber" that few people posses, and we can use that for tonight.

Daria: So you want something from us, and that is...

Maddog: I don't know yet, but I'll think of something.

Dan: What's the business Chad?

Chad: I overheard that AZT boot lick Chris talking to some people. They found out about our little party for tonight and they'll be there in full force.

Dan: Oh is that all...

Chad: Well John and Tyson weren't here today because they went to some stupid high school party with Oswald's cousin wanting to join AZT.

Dan: Yeah we met them, cause we went to that party ourselves.

Chad: What, you went to a preppie party!?

Dan: We "destroyed" it, did you expected anything less?

Chad: Nope...

Maddog(Motioning towards Daria): And this girl here helped us out.

[Chad looks at Daria.]

Chad: You helped "them" out?

Daria: Hey, somebody has to pick them off the floor.

Chad: Hehehe... You really "are" our honored guest.

Fred: So make yourselves at home.

Maddog: We really like to give you a tour but we're really busy and all, but we know some people at a sorority who can accommodate you.

Dan: Yeah, I'll call up my friend Melody. The Beta Girls are the only Greek sisters that can keep up with us.

Jane: You mind if we watch a little TV?

Daria: Yeah, it's time for Sick Sad World, perhaps it'll have something about this place on.

Chad: Yeah, knock yourselves out...

[The girls watch TV. They can't find Sick Sad World because it's not picked up in Haven, but they're just as happy channel surfing.]

Chad: So you think these high school girls can "help" us with this party?

Maddog: Hey, they have potential. Especially "D".

Ryan: Well I don't like that one with the glasses, she keeps making fun of me!

Chad: Shut up Ryan, everybody makes fun of you!!

[There's a knocking at the door.]

Dan: Hey, if you're those Watchtower people then slip them under the door so we can just throw them away.

Voice: Open up Dan, it's me!

[Dan opens the door. It's a middle aged man wearing thick rimmed glasses and what looks like a curly wig on his head.]

Dan: Well...a visit from Minty, do come in!

Minty: Do not call me "Minty" or even "Big M"! I am Professor Hines, head of the math department.

Dan: What ever you say Big M...

Minty(Sighs): I'm going to make this short, whatever this "Black Friday" is that people are talking about better not actually happen.

Maddog: But Minty, it's our way of celebrating Homecoming.

Minty: You leave Homecoming alone!! Coach Malnak has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want you guys to interrupt the game when he has his team out on the field. And the Dean went away on vacation so I'm the one in charge.

Dan: Now look, I can't exactly guarantee any promises...so I won't bother to make any.

Minty: You better cancel that party right now mister!!!

[Daria comes over.]

Minty: And where were you guys!? I kept calling and coming but you were nowhere on the campus. You never even showed up for your classes!

Dan: We went looking for a band at this one town and decided to go to a party.

Maddog: A high school party that some girl invited us to.

Minty: Oh no... Don't tell me it was anything like last year!!

Daria: What...happened last year?

Minty: Now you even have minors here, well they had better not be here tonight at any parties!

Daria: Don't worry, we'll only binge out on soda pop and pass out from a sugar high.

Minty: Sure, a smart mouth like you would hang out with these guys. You all give me grief!

Maddog: She's our guest, the one who took us to that party.

Minty: Was there any damage to the whole town?

Dan: Of course not...well the house was messed up a bit and someone called the cops, but I'm not saying who.

[Maddog smirks.]

Minty(To Daria): Young lady, have you any idea what these friends of yours did last year at a place called Pennyville?

Daria: No, but I can pretty much imagine.

Minty: Oh no you can't! They were in that town last year and some 'other' high school girl invited them to her party.

Fred: Oh you're still not upset about that are you?

Minty: The entire town was in full scale anarchy like it has never been before. Imagine the Rodney King riots in a small town...

Daria(Thinking): It nearly happened in Lawndale today...

Minty: And this "girl" became an emotional wreck. All because Dan, Fred, and Maddog snuck out when it really went out of control. There were no formal charges or any proof, but those three were responsible.

Fred: Come on! We feared for our safety. Well we didn't have safety to fear but...

Minty: I am warning you...stay away from the Homecoming dance!!!

[Minty leaves.]

Dan: Boy, every party has a pooper.

Daria: You mean to tell me...that you would have started a riot in Lawndale? It wouldn't have taken much to get those sheep in a stampede, but still...

Maddog: Listen, we left before things got too hairy. At least the cops restored order.

Daria: If my parents ever found out what happened, they will really freak out. The whole thing is just too funny to imagine I suppose.

Jane: Hey, what's going on here?

Daria: Oh nothing, except we almost had an uprising in Lawndale.

Jane: Oh, is that all...

[A girl walks in the door wearing a blue sweat shirt that has the Greek letters "Beta Sigma Delta". She belongs to a sorority that has close ties with Delta House.]

Dan: Hey Melody.

Melody: Hey Dan! Got your message, so these are the girls who will be our guest for tonight.

Dan: Yep! Give them the works.

Daria: Listen, if you don't mind I rather stay here and watch static on the TV.

Melody: Relax...this ain't one of those stiff necked tours for orientation. You just go and do whatever you want.

[Melody whispers in Daria's ear...]

Melody: Besides, I'm here to rescue you from this place...

Daria: Well, we better get our tour started. Right Jane?

ACT II.

Scene 1:

[Later on towards the evening with the sun going down, Haven is way behind in the Homecoming game. Jane and Daria aren't really that interested and neither is Melody. With Melody is a fellow Beta Girl, Kacie. She is a ravishing red head who wears a leather jacket and white shirt.]

Jane: So who's winning now?

Daria: Who cares...

Melody: Man, this is like the Super Bowl halftime show that's as long as the freaking Super Bowl.

Jane: Now why would you even bring us here if you don't even like football?

Melody: I was told by Dan to take you guys anywhere you wanted, but also to be here at this time.

Kacie: In case you're wondering, those Delta Guys have their reasons for doing things. We never know until the last minute. Mainly cause that Maddog loves to surprise people.

Daria: He must have surprised his mom on the day of his birth.

Melody: May as well...I'll let you two on a little secret. As long as you're in Haven University, there's only one thing that's for certain.

Daria: And what would that be?

Melody: Nothing is for certain.

Daria: So what's the deal with these Delta Guys? For a bunch of frat boys, they hadn't dived right in a keg of beer... yet.

Kacie: I knew Dan and Maddog since high school. Always hang out together because they're both a bunch of wacky weirdos. Never quite fit in with everyone else.

Jane: Nice bunch...

Kacie: One day, someone who graduated from Haven High can back during a homecoming. Big football hero in his day, came to address the student body.

Daria: Let me guess, an overblown egotistical jerk who thinks he's the greatest thing since moldy bread.

Kacie: No...he told everyone that he really hated playing football with a team full of buttheads and told the whole school what they can do with their hero worship in a vulgar fashion. He even said the coach only yells at the team because his nagging wife drives him away to a bar somewhere.

Jane: Whoa!!

Kacie: So Dan and Maddog were the only ones to hang out with him afterwards. Turned out he was the president of the Delta Pi Muta fraternity here. Most of the people had left however and those remaining are graduating seniors. So that meant they were going to close the whole thing down. Mainly because all the other fraternities were full of snobs.

Melody: And now they became honored members as long as they will be pledges during the freshman year. In fact, since they couldn't even wait they had their own fraternity before they graduated.

Kacie: They picked up a few people including Fred, Chad,and Ryan who wasn't a senior at the time but wanted to join . How they left their mark on Haven High that year was really something.

Daria: Ok...surprise me by saying "what" they did.

Kacie: They crashed a senior party some girl was having. Only the "beautiful" people were invited of course, so those guys took over. They really weren't popular with the those who weren't happy that they ruined their final time together. In fact, they were booed, had garbage thrown at them, and even hauled off by the cops.

Jane: So it hadn't gone well for them...

Kacie: Are you kidding!? They loved it! That was their plan all along. In fact, all that booing was music to their ears.

Melody: And ever since then, they had crashed every single preppie party in Haven.

Daria: Say, would you know anything about...Pennyville?

Melody: Naw, that hardly rings a bell.

Kacie: Hey look, here they come now...

[Dan, Maddog, and Ryan are coming down the steps towards the girls and with them are...]

Jane: What the... That's Trent! And Jesse... What are they wearing??

Daria: Trent's here? Let me see...oh, I just don't freaking believe this!

[Trent and Jesse are coming down with them wearing the black Delta House t-shirts. It's as though they already belong to Delta House. The guys take a seat behind the girls, except for Trent who sits next to Daria since it's the only available seat.]

Dan: Hahaha!!!! So how's the game going?

Melody: Haven is still sucking in the first and second quarters.

Dan: Oh, so I hadn't missed anything. But tonight will make up for the whole thing, how 'bout it Trent?

Trent: Oh yeah... Oh, hey Daria. I didn't know you would be here.

Daria: Uh... Well... What's with that shirt?

Maddog: He's the entertainment. If they're gonna rock Delta style, then they have to be brought up to speed here.

Jesse: Yeah man, this is so freaking awesome. You guys are legends!!

Dan: Wait a minute, I don't know what the name of your band is.

Jesse: We're Helpful Corn.

Trent: No we're not! We're Mystik Spyral, which we have always been called.

Jesse: I thought we agree to change our name.

Trent: No we didn't, cause it sounds so stupid.

Jesse: It didn't sound so stupid when were at the cornfield.

Trent: Hey! What were you and my sister doing in that cornfield? You've been gone for over three hours and we missed the concert man.

Jane: It's...rather embarrassing.

Trent: How embarassing??

Jesse: We got lost man, couldn't even find each other.

Jane: Told you it was embarassing.

Maddog: Great, a band with no name. I can just imagine the songs now...

Dan: Listen boys! We don't care if you call yourselves "A Crappy Band". You get the privilege of playing at a Delta House party. Think you can handle it?

Trent: We can handle anything man...

Ryan: Hey!! The band's coming up next!

Dan: Finally! Something to make this game worthwhile.

Daria: You mean to say that the marching band is the best part of this game. Now it really sank to the dregs of dignity.

Maddog: This ain't no cream puff marching band like they have at high school. We have a scramble band.

Daria: "Scramble" band??

Dan: Watch...

[A large group of guys come out on the field. They're not wearing any band uniforms except for black dress jackets and causal clothing. This band is running around the field screaming and yelling while banging various items that they brought, including mailboxes and bagpipes.]

Ryan: Ah yeah, Haven's pride...

Jane: You call 'that' pride!?

[The "song", if you can make out the words, are a jeer towards the other team which resembles a bawdy joke. Some of them are wearing multicolored clown wigs.]

Daria: Now what kind of college would have "that" as a band?

Dan: All the Ivy League universities including Harvard. When mommy and daddy send you to a real fine school, this is what you'll see at the football games.

Daria: Makes me look forward to correspondence courses...

Maddog: Hey Dan, remember the last homecoming game? They were taunting the other team's cheerleaders?

Dan: How can I forget! I still remember the words...

Dan/Maddog: "Your cheerleaders are a bunch of tramps, do dah, do dah..."

[Daria and Jane then look at each other and then towards Dan and Maddog.]

Daria/Jane: "But you watch them , oh do dah day..."

Melody: Hahaha!!!!! That was good!

Kacie: Well they'll be over soon.

Jane: Good...

Trent: Man, do they actually rehearse this stuff?

Dan: Are you kidding!? They only thing they rehearse is getting drunk after each game.

[The scramble band are now just running around making weird noises that makes no sense with absolutely no purpose to the whole thing.]

Daria: What kind of a crap hole halftime is this!?!?

Maddog: It'll be over soon...see, there's the campus cops chasing them off the field right now.

[Sometime later, Chad comes down towards them.]

Chad: Hey Dan, I found out about a whole bunch of crap you really might be interested in.

Maddog: There's a sale on horse manure?

Chad: No... It's about AZT.

Dan: Yeah?

Chad: I think you really might have ticked off a lot of people at that high school party.

Maddog: NOOOO.......

Chad: They brought over the entire football team to help AZT whip you guys tonight.

Dan: Oh really? Guess we have to do something about it then.

Maddog: I know, throw a bunch of footballs way out and they'll run away trying to catch them. Or better yet...call a time out and never bother with the time in.

Chad: And there were a couple of girls who also want a piece of the action.

Dan: What girls?

Chad: One is a blond cheerleader with an airbag for a head...

Jane: Brittany.

Chad: ...and the other is some scrawny kid with a pink shirt that's way too small for her.

Daria: Quinn's here? She even makes the scramble band look good.

Ryan: Hey, you hear that Daria? They're coming after you cause you screwed up their party! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Daria: I screwed up their party?? You're the one who's the one man wrecking crew. In fact, you're a human wrecking ball they even they hook your big fat body to some chain and swing you around.

[Dan and Maddog are laughing hysterically.]

Ryan: Grrr... Well I'm not as stupid as I look!!

Chad: Yes you are Ryan...

Maddog: Hey don't sweat it "D", it just means we'll make some minor changes to the evening's entertainment.

Chad: And I know you won't like this one Dan, guess who's running for homecoming queen?

Dan: That hot looking chick?

Chad: No way, Tammy.

Dan: I know Tammy is running for homecoming queen! Guess they'll take anybody then.

Chad: The "hot" chick is now sick and is bowing out.

Ryan: Queen Tammy!? YEECCHH!!!!!!!

Trent: Who's Tammy?

Dan: Some butt ugly dog who's always going after guys because she think she's Miss "High-And-Almighty".

Ryan: I wouldn't even vote her for the Queen Of Crap!

Daria: Then she must be one of your charmed friends then.

Dan: Are you trying to make me sick? She hates me and Ryan, and the feeling's mutual.

Maddog: Don't worry, we got the whole gang here. Hey "D", how would you like to be the queen of Black Friday?

Daria: I'm more of a Monday night person.

Maddog: Hehehe, "Ms. Monday Night"...I like that.

Daria: So you'll quit calling me "D" then?

Dan: What ever you say..."D".

Maddog: Hehehe...

Melody: We've just started the third quarter, isn't Fred going to make his appearance?

Dan: Yeah, some time shortly...

[The crowd is now chanting "Boring..." over and over.]

Jane: Ok, why are we here watching this crappy game?

Dan: We're advertising.

Jesse: Advertising?

Dan: Just listen to the announcers.

[Over the PA system, the sports announcers are calling what little action there is.]

Announcer: Haven is way behind in the second half and they need a...wait a minute! Herman Hanna has the ball, he's dodging the linebackers, he's heading towards the goal, he's...WAIT A MINUTE!!!! You can't be in here!!

Dan: Fred's in the broadcasting room.

Daria: Of course he is...

Fred: Delta, Delta, DELTA...can we helpya, helpya, HELPYA!!!!!!!

[The crowd gets up and starts getting excited. Herman stops in the middle of his run looking confused when the entire defense line tackles him. Haven had lost it's only chance for a turn around.]

Fred: Hay you....

Crowd: HAY YOU!!!!!!!!

Fred: When you want to have a real homecoming celebration instead of watching the Stupid Bowl here, then come over to the Manson building for Delta House's own Black Friday party...tonight!

Announcer: Hang on here! Isn't that where the Homecoming dance will be?

Fred: Whatever. We'll have our party afterwards...or maybe 'during' the dance.

Maddog: Oh...they wouldn't like us coming in their prom with our party.

Dan: Yeah...ain't it great!

Fred: Everyone's invited and wear anything you freaking want...but try to make it "black".

Announcer: Are you done yet!?

Fred: Go ahead, it's not like that game is that good ...

[You can hear Fred drop the microphone on the floor and walk out.]

Announcer: Fans, I apologize for all of this and...well I got word that Coach Malnak is so upset about this that he's forfeiting the game. It's over...

[The people get up and start to leave and the football players can't make heads or tails out of what's going on.]

Dan: We got our promo in, but I didn't think the game would be canceled like that.

Daria: For now on, I believe in divine miracles.

Maddog: That's it for us, we have to get ready for the big show.

Daria: We're leaving?

Maddog: We're leaving, you're staying. Melody will fill you in on what part to play.

Daria: Wait a minute!? Who said I was going to be a part of whatever antics you crazy people doing?

Maddog: Everybody has their part, in fact I got something very special for you.

Melody: It's ok, you'll have fun with it.

Daria: Fun!?!? How can I have "fun" when I'm fearing for my life here!?

Dan: Come on guys, I'll show you what we're doing...

[Dan, Maddog and Mystik Spyral(or Helpful Corn) get up and leave. Ryan gets up to join them.]

Dan: Whoa, whoa...back the crap up Ryan.

Ryan: What?? Can't I come with you guys?

Dan: No, we have to plan this without any screw ups. You stay here until we fetch for you. Hey Kacie, keep an eye on Ryan so he doesn't get in any trouble.

Kacie: Oh I suppose...

Dan: And get the girls ready for tonight.

Kacie: Anyone else you want us to baby sit?

[The guys leave. Ryan sits down behind the girls and starts getting a wicked look on his face.]

Ryan: At last, alone with the "ladies". Heheehe...

Kacie: Ryan, if you ever try anything I'll break, smash, and rip out your grubby little fingers! You got it!?

Ryan: Geeze...

Melody: So Kacie, you ready for tonight?

Kacie: Yeah, I got the hog right here with me.

Ryan: Hey! You you calling a hog!?

Kacie: I'm talking about my Harley you idiot!

Ryan: And now you just called me an idiot!

Kacie: Cause you're an idiot, idiot!!

[Ryan and Kacie are bickering back and forth, Daria and Jane are watching them with a sick delight as they munch on their popcorn, and poor Melody is caught in the middle.]

Scene 2:

[The Manson Hall building where they are holding the homecoming dance. The DJ is playing typical college music, the band that's suppose to here but canceled (for fear of the upcoming Black Friday), and two students from the campus radio station sitting at the broadcasting booth not far off on the stage. They are Ronny and Sue from the morning show.]

Ronny: Well Sue, we are seconds away from naming our Homecoming King and Queen.

Sue: That's right Ronny! First with have Kurt Hemperchak who has won previous homecoming crowns not only here but also in his high school as well. And then we have Tammy O'Donnel who is the only candidate, the other person got real sick and couldn't be with us tonight.

Ronny: Yeah...real hard choice right there. At the end of the dance, we'll have a live drawing for the grand prize of a trip for four at the MTV Spring break. PLUS...front row seats to a Spice Girls concert.

Sue: Oh, I can hardly wait! To celebrate, we'll be playing a large stack of Spice Girls CD's as well some other groups and "sound" like the Spice Girls...boy are there a lot of them out there.

[Next to the broadcasting booth is a crappy looking mock up of the MTV logo made out of paint and plywood. And on the front of the booth is a banner that advertises WHYU, Haven University Radio.]

Ronny(Smiling): Boy, if they ever found out we butchered up their corporate logo then they would really bust out butts.

[Meanwhile, far more exciting stuff is going on around them. The four Delta Guys are in their limo with Mystik Spyral. Kacie is on her Harley not far from them. Chad is with a group of other Delta Brothers hiding in the bushes. Daria is with Jane and Melody sitting far up on the catwalk near the ceiling where nobody even knows they're there. All four groups have their walkie-talkies.]

Dan: Come in Wolfpack, this is Big Daddy over...

Chad: Wolfpack here. The cubs are starving so give the signal for the prey to come out.

Dan: Roger that. Come in Valkyrie, over...

Kacie: Valkyrie here. The hog is all fed and ready to play in the mud.

Dan: Roger, Valkyrie. Come in Cat Mama, over...

Melody: This is Cat Mama, the kittens are all here. We're just waiting for the spilled milk. Over...

Dan: We roger that Cat Mama.

Melody: So girls, bet you're all excited about the party that's about to happen.

Jane: Actually, we have no idea what's going on here.

Daria: Listen, can I get a word with those guys before something drastic happens?

Melody(Smiling): Well you only got a few seconds, honey. And use code names when you talk to them. Who knows if AZT might be listening in...

[Daria takes the walkie-talkie.]

Daria: Come in Big Daddy. This is, umm...Kitty.

Dan: What is it Kitty?

Daria: Can you put on your friend?

Dan: It's for you Maddog...

[Dan hands the walkie-talkie to Maddog]

Maddog: Yeah?

Daria: Umm...I'm not sure what code name should call you.

Maddog: You may call me..."BBRAAUPP"!!!

[Daria squints her eyes and moves the walkie-talkie from her ear as Maddog inadvertently lets out a loud burp.]

Maddog: Sorry about that, me and the boys are drinking lots of Coke to prepare ourselves. Go on Kitty...

Daria: Ok... You let us if we're in any danger... I mean you would tell us 'before' it happens, right?

Maddog: Don't sweat it. That's why you're up in the rafters. Just enjoy the show. In a few moments, we will be playing a game of human chess. The stakes are high this time and our opponents are diabolical maniacs. Makes for an interesting game...

Ryan: Hey listen, none of you are going to jump off and try to kill me are you?

Dan: Be quiet man! We're suppose to keep radio silence until the signal is clear.

Ryan: Sorry Dan...

Dan: Don't use my name you idiot!!!!!

Ryan: I mean Big Daddy!!

Melody: ...sigh...

Sue: And now we'll go back to the crowning of Homecoming King and Queen.

[The emcee goes up on stage and announces who will be the King and Queen. The crowd mildly applauds, but generally look bored.]

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen...our first candidate, and only candidate, for Homecoming King is...Kurt Hemperchak.

Crowd: ...yeah...

Emcee: And for the highly honored title of Homecoming Queen this year...our first, and only, candidate. Tammy O'Donnel.

[One person in the back claps slowly, but only for sarcasm.]

Emcee: And our winners for King and Queen is...well figure it out yourselves. Kurt Hemperchak and Tammy O'Donnel!

Jane: This really makes me want to spit...

Daria: Aim right for the crown on her head.

[Unknown to them, there is another group hiding in the building. Down below the stage, is AZT with Upchuck, Lawndale High football team, Brittany, and Quinn. They are the unholy alliance to stop Delta House. Some of them are looking at the dance floor through a little slot on the small door in front of the stage.]

John: I know they'll show up soon.

Chris: Uh, yeah... I hope so too.

Tyson: I gonna beat the crap outta Fred for what he did!

Kevin: Me too! We want to get those idiots who try to steal our women.

Brittany: How could you let him do that to me!?

Kevin: I didn't even know he was doing it!!

Brittany: I saw you talking to him afterwards. If you knew what he said, you would have squeezed him like a big fat disgusting zit!

Kevin: What did he say to you babe?

Brittany: I can't repeat it, it was horrible!!!!

Quinn: They ruined my party, so you ruin theirs! But save Daria for me...she's mine!

John: They knew we were there somehow, so they used her to get in to make idiots out of us. I'm gonna get that Dan...

Quinn: No way!! Daria's smarter than what she really looks, so she's "real" smart ok. She brought them in herself. The whole thing was a plan to destroy my reputation in front of all the coolest people in school.

Upchuck: Oh I wouldn't worry about that, you still have quite a reputation the guys talk about. Prrrrrrwwwwww......

Quinn: Not that kind, you freaking perv!

John: SHHH!!!! They hear us under here!

Emcee: And now it's time for our lovely couple to have their dance.

Tammy: At long last, after many years of rejection I'm finally the Homecoming Queen. So don't screw this up for me, ok?

Kurt: My dear, I will enjoy every moment of this dance. I'll just close my eyes and pretend you're my girlfriend. Such a shame she had to be sick.

Tammy: Yeah, chronic diarrhea will do that to a person...

Kurt: Oh I wouldn't worry. Tonight will be an unforgettable night. Trust me...

Emcee: Ok, we will now be playing some slow music for you two to start our next dance.

[They play "Everybody's Hurting" by REM. Tammy and Kurt are dancing and holding each other, at arm's length.]

Tammy: Oh, this is my favorite song. Even though Winger isn't singing it.

Kurt: Actually I had a bad experience listening to this. The couple next door were making so much loud noise that we had to call the cops. And they played that song way up as well.

Tammy: In the video, they showed what everyone's thinking. I wonder what you're thinking...

Kurt(Thinking): I can really go for a shotgun right about now.

Tammy: You know, we can get a lot closer than this.

Kurt: Um, wait a minute! I forgot, we didn't make our speech. Hey, can you turn that music off for a second? I have something to say.

Tammy: Well now's a fine time to do a speech!

[Kurt takes the microphone as the music stops.]

Kurt: First of all, I would like to thank everyone who voted Homecoming King. Year after year after freaking year. But you know something? I may be the most popular person in school. Well one of the most popular people since I am modest.

Daria: Get real...

Kurt: But I get sick of the same old thing all the time, so it's time for a change!

Tammy: Huh?? Hold on here, what are you getting at...

Kurt: Everybody made me popular, but I rather be known as someone who really stands out. And I now hang out with a bunch of cool guys who really stand out.

[He rips open his tux and reveals a black Delta Pi Mu shirt underneath.]

Tammy: WHAT!?!?!!??!?

[All the sudden, a mob of Delta brothers led by Chad rush in out of the woodwork and right on the dance floor brandishing paintball guns. They are shooting them in random directions.]

Kurt: Hahaha!!! Who be cool now!

Melody: What did I tell you Daria, expect the unexpected in Haven.

Daria: I expected intelligent people here, but that blew my theory.

[Tammy gets a horrible gasp on her face.]

Tammy: You ruined it!!! YOU RUINED IT!!!!!!!!!

[Chad charges up on the stage and Tammy runs away screaming. Chad then picks up the fallen mike.]

Chad: The dance is canceled...Black Friday has begun...Delta House is now in control!!

[Chad and Kurt give each other a Delta House handshake. The people attending the dance could not believe that Kurt Hemperchak had "betrayed" them like that.]

Upchuck: Come on, let's get them!!

John: Wait, we'll never get rid of them now. We must hold off until they are off guard. They're not the only sneaky ones here.

Quinn: I haven't even seen Daria or any of those guys. But I can wait them out...

John: Now you're thinking like AZT does.

Quinn: Oh man, I hope they would just show up. I hate being under this yechy stage!

[The crowd of people waiting outside are trying to get through the doors.]

Chad: Somebody open those doors and let all the freaking people in!

[The doors are pushed wide open and everyone charges in.]

Chad: Alright, it looks like everyone's finally here!

Crowd: DELTA HOUSE!!! DELTA HOUSE!!! DELTA HOUSE!!!!

Chad: Hey, hey... How come I don't hear some music? You better be not playing any of that MTV garbage!

[Chad takes a baseball bat someone handed to him and points it at Ronny and Sue who are quivering in their seats.]

Chad: Yeah you! What's with this Cardigan crap you been playing? Anyone with any freaking taste doesn't want to dance to this insipid music. In fact, it's a good thing we came here cause you're putting all these people to sleep.

Crowd: THIS DANCE SUCKS!!! THIS DANCE SUCKS!!! THIS DANCE SUCKS!!!

[Chad and a bunch of guys go over to Ronny and Sue who freak out and run away. Chad takes his bat and knocks over the stack of Spice Girls CD's. They then throw down the poorly made MTV thing and start stomping it while Chad bust it with his bat. The crowd goes absolutely wild.]

Crowd: SPICE GIRLS SUCK!!! SPICE GIRLS SUCK!!! SPICE GIRLS SUCK!!!!

[Chad nearly breaks the thing and the guys spray paint a Delta triangle on the big M.]

Chad: This isn't MTV...it's Delta House!!!!!

Jane: They just don't give a crap who they offend, do they?

Daria: Nope, they think popularity is some chronic belching condition from drinking too much soda.

ACT III.

Scene 1:

[Fifteen minutes later, the place is packed with people wearing mostly black t-shirts. The Delta brothers had spray painted Delta triangles all over the ways. They even tore down the WHYU banner and spray painted the Greek letters Delta Pi Mu on the front of the broadcasting booth.]

Chad(On walkie-talkie): The place is secured Big Daddy, we are all set.

Dan: Very good Wolfpack. All set Valkyrie?

Kacie: Yeah, let me come over for a second.

Dan: Yeah, ok...

[Kacie gets off her bike and walks over to the Deltamobile. She taps on the window and Fred lowers it.]

Kacie: Hey Fred, I can just go right up in there?

Fred: Oh sure, it's all set.

Kacie: I want to get this right since I am introducing you guys. Oh, and Fred...

Fred: Yeah "Kace"?

Kacie: Don't forget to save the last dance for us, ok?

[She winks and goes back to her bike. Fred rolls the tinted window up.]

Fred: Uh, yeah sure...

[Dan, Maddog, and Trent are sitting in the middle seats with the rest of the band in the back.]

Dan: Ok boys, this is it! You can play anything you want.

Trent: Maybe it's just be but this is a bit overdone entrance for a frat party.

Dan: It's not just 'any' frat party where you booze what little brains you have left. This is Black Friday, where Delta House takes over a homecoming dance and make it their own party. You can do anything you want. Total freedom...

Jesse: Anything? Man, this gig is just too good to be true...

Trent: So where's Jane and Daria in all of this?

Dan: They'll be in the wings waiting. You got something picked out for the "surprise"?

Trent: Yeah, I got the perfect song.

[The walkie-talkie buzzes...]

Chad: Come in Big Daddy! This is the Wolfpack, we got everything clear for Valkyrie. Over...

Dan: Right! You got that Valkyrie?

Kacie: I got it and right on it!

[Kacie puts the walkie-talkie in her jacket and puts on her shades. She starts up her motorcycle and revs it up. Kacie then rides the bike right up the stairs of the Manson building and straight into the dance hall! She slowly makes her way into the crowd with everyone cheering her. She stops halfway, revs her bike a bit, and takes it to the stage where she pulls off to the side and gets off it.]

Brittany(Under the stage): You mean they do this when they crash a prom?

John(Seething): All the time...

[Kacie gets up on the stage and picks up the microphone.]

Kacie: Hey all you party people, how's it going?

[Everybody whoops it up for her.]

Kacie: All right!! On behalf of the Haven chapter of Beta Sigma Delta, it is our pleasure to introduce to you the very weirdos who brought you this Black Friday celebration. And now with out further ado, we give you.....DELTA HOUSE!!!!!

Crowd: YYEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Everybody in the limo here's this since it's still being broadcasted on the college radio station.]

Dan: It's time, let's go!

Trent: We're ready man...

Maddog: It's showtime!!!!!

[The limo starts up and pulls up in front of the steps leading into Manson building. The four Delta Guys and Mystik Spyral get out all wearing their black Delta shirts, except for Fred who is wearing a snazzy black casual outfit.]

Dan: This is it guys!

Maddog: Let's do it baby...

[One of the Delta brothers puts on a Jimmi Hendrix song "R U Experienced". At the opening cords, the boys saunter on the dance floor with everyone cheering them on. They are waving, smiling, and Ryan is playing air guitar along with Hendrix.]

John: Ok, let's get them!!!

Football team: Yeah!!!!

[They try to charged out the small door, but it's locked!]

Upchuck: What's wrong?

Tyson: This stupid door is stuck! We can't get out!!!

[They start pounding on the door trying to get it open. But no one even noticed them as the people are cheering for Delta House. As they got up on stage, they looked at everybody and threw their arms up in the air. The crowd is electrified as the words of the song say...]

Hendrix: "But first...are you, experienced?"

[Maddog plays air guitar and mouths along the words...]

Hendrix: "Have you ever been experienced?"

[Fred takes the microphone from Kacie and becomes a showman for the crowd.]

Fred: Alright, we love you guys!!!!!

[The crowd chants "DELTA HOUSE!!" over and over. The band then goes back to get themselves set up.]

Fred: Too much love in this room, man. And now here is your host of Black Friday...Dan the Man!!

[Everyone cheers as Dan takes the microphone.]

Dan: Welcome to Black Friday!!! We are so glad to be here for this Homecoming Dance, in fact we got the Homecoming King and newest member of Delta House, Kurt Hemperchak.

Kurt: Thank you Dan! And now as King of Homecoming, I abdicate my crown to Delta House. They are the true masters of all the parties in Haven and beyond. Now I'm going back to my girlfriend who is sick with nasty diarrhea. Nothing can ever separate me from my love...except maybe for the bathroom door.

[Kurt runs out through the back.]

Dan: Ok, let's have a real dance going here! We brought our tapes, our CD's, and even a live band so you can listen to some 'good' music for a change!!

Crowd: YEEAH!!!

Dan: All the way from Lawndale comes the coolest band in the state, Mystic... um... Mystic... Corn... or whatever. But as they're still getting ready to rock the joint, we are going to hear from the man who made his dream of Black Friday a reality. I present to you my best friend in the whole wide world, Mr. Maddog!

[The crowd cheers for Maddog who feigns modesty and takes the mike from Dan. Everybody starts barking like dogs and Maddog just motioned for silence while smiling.]

Maddog: 'ey Yo!! We are so glad you are having a homecoming for our return today. It's so good to be home. And as everyone knows, you just can't have a party without inviting Del....ta...

Crowd: HOUSE!!!!

Maddog: Thank you! And if you don't invite us, we come crashing your joint. In fact, we spent the whole day at such a party. See, we were down looking for this great band when this high school girl comes to us looking for a ride back. When we take her home she says, "Mr. Maddog...I've been kicked out of my own home by a bunch of brain dead full of snobs rugrats who are having the most boring party ever. They're even playing this hideous music that they have as time wasting filler on MTV. So please, please, PLEASE show these rookies how you Delta Boys do it with style and flair!" And I said, "Sure..."

Quinn: That's it, I'm going to kill them...

Joey: Hey Quinn, you have a hairpin?

Quinn: Ugh, nobody wears hairpins anymore! Like, why would anyone want to have a hairpin?

Jamie: So we can get outta here.

Quinn: UGH!!!

Maddog: And that's the way it was. That was then, and this is now. Now, we even got a surprise for you guys!

[Trent starts playing the opening cords to "Icebox Woman". The spotlight shines on the entrance with Melody coming out.]

John: What, that's their surprise?

Quinn: Ugh, she's just as slobby with that sweatshirt like all those guys...

Maddog: We even brought this same girl over and her friend to experience the best freaking party Haven has ever seen. I introduce to you, the next Janeane Garafalo...

[Melody stops halfway and points with both arms towards the entrance, and Daria walks out to the people's cheering.]

Brittany: WHAT!?!? I can't believe this! What's she doing here??

Maddog: The queen of Black Friday..."Ms. Monday Night" herself, "D"!!!!!

[The crowd just erupted and Daria can't begin to figure out what is going on. Jane comes out after her.]

Maddog: And her partner in crime, Lady Jane!

Daria: Jane...what the crap is all of this...

Jane: They're cheering us, I never thought such a day will come. Look! There's Trent up there.

Daria: I can't move...I feel so stupid...

[Jane takes her by the arm.]

Jane: You'll feel even more stupid if you just stand there all night. Let's go...

[Daria gets an adrenaline rush. She snaps her arm away and strides up to the stage. Jane follows her.]

Crowd: "D", "D", "D", "D".....

[She gets up on stage and Maddog gives her the mike.]

Maddog: Say something for all your loyal fans...

[She unwillingly takes the mike and glances at Trent. He nods at her and she looks at the crowd who are settling down a small bit since she is going to say something. All the sudden, she gets this giddy feeling that she has never felt before. Daria now address the crowd...]

Daria: Hello all you drunken frat house slobs...

[She sees the crowd is still in support of her, though she couldn't figure out why they were in the first place. So she decided to just go along with it for now.]

Daria: It's so nice to be here with all you people here who really enjoy all sorts of mindless entertainment.

[The crowd cheers her as she said this.]

Daria: I do hope you'll be able to stay sober for a few seconds to enjoy all that we gave to offer... which isn't much.

Jane(Whispering to Dan): Listen, if she comes off as being too nasty then...

Dan: Are you kidding? They love her!

Daria: As I see all the happy faces out there with the same glazed look of a lamb getting high off dandylions, just so you know it's ok to make idiots out of yourselves because we'll be too stupid to notice. Enjoy the party...

Crowd: YYEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

[Daria gives the mike back to Fred and goes over to Maddog.]

Daria: They didn't even care that I just insulted them, did they?

Maddog(Smiling): No, they hadn't even freaking noticed...

Fred: Ok boys and girls, and now it's time to get down to business. Here is "THE MAN" himself. The biggest icon in partying, Ryan Hull!!!

[The crowd goes nuts for Ryan because he always says something silly. He takes the mike from Fred.]

Ryan: Yeah!!!! I hear all you ladies wanting to have a bite of the muffin...."Stud Muffin" Hull!!

Daria: When it hits the fan, it really flies...

Ryan: We were at a party all this afternoon and man, there were a lot of dweebs there. Especially those idiots from AZT.

John: Where does that fathead get off insulting AZT!?

Tyson: Come on!!! Can't someone get the freaking door open!??!

Ryan: It figures when they would hang out with a bunch of losers running around wearing the football shirts. They wear those "yellow" shirts cause they're a bunch of cowards! Too bad all the cheerleaders waste themselves on all those pansies. Not like them girlies had any good taste to begin with...I mean, why would they pick them little boys over the epitome of "manhood" you're looking at right now?

Brittany: UGH!!!!!!!!

Kevin: Let me at him....LET ME AT HIM!!!!

Ryan: Speaking of the girls there, I seen cheap crappy chicken at the supermarket with more meat then those chicks. They look like freaking stick figures! And that goes to the little scrawny twig who had the party. Hehehe...she's so skinny, I can pick her up with one hand and throw her like a spear. And she wouldn't stop flying for a week!

Quinn: HEY!!!! I have the 'perfect' body!! If anything, I'm overweighting by a pound!

Jamie: You're fat!?

Quinn: Shut up!!!!!!!!!

Ryan: We didn't like the way they were doing things, so I came down there and showed those rugrat rookies that Ryan Hull 'is' the man! I'm the Hulk Hogan of frat parties...

Dan: They both should retire.

Maddog: Yeah...

[Ryan starts flexing like Hulk Hogan and makes an idiot out of himself. He even tries to rip his shirt, but Fred stopped him.]

Fred: Gimme the mike Ryan and no one gets hurt.

Ryan: Oh man....

[Fred takes the mike.]

Fred: And speaking of AZT...we heard that they will try to crash our party, like they even could, along with some "hayseed" high school football team. In fact, they might even try to ambush us as we speak...

John: We're trying to ambush you idiots if we can get this freaking door open!!!!!!

Fred: So we checked every nook and cranny in here except for one place. Underneath the stage...

Tyson: Yeah!! You morons think you're so smart, but you're not! We'll come out and get you guys!!!

Fred: Since we didn't have time to check it out and we figured that would be the most logical place for them to hide...

Chris: Well...duh!

Fred: So we padlocked the little door and even barricaded so they couldn't even get out if they tried hard enough.

John(Shocked): WHAT!?!?!!?!?

[All the Delta Guys are laughing hard and slapping their knees. Then they all stomp on the stage so the people below can hear their taunting.]

Upchuck(Scared): They trapped us!!! What do we do now!?!!?

Fred: Oh yeah!! And after we give them a while to cool down, we will have our security team escort them out of here if they still want to cause trouble. Now, our jocks are "wrestlers"...not a bunch of out of shape whimps who can barely play football, but strong and powerful college wrestlers who are the best in the state. They have always been down with Delta House and we thank you guys!!!

[All the wrestlers wearing black Delta shirts whoop it up.]

Fred: Now play me some of that ol' sweet thang you call music!

[The band plays one of their songs and the crowd goes nuts.]

Daria: You mean you guys knew where they were and planned it the whole time?

Dan: Come on "D", since when have we ever been without a plan?

Maddog: You can take a look for yourself if you like.

Daria: You mean through that little slot that I noticed on the way up here?

Maddog: Yep!

[Daria gets on her knees and crawls on her belly to take a look.]

Quinn(Looking out the slot): I can't believe this!!! They locked us in here and there's nothing we can do about it! There's no way this can be any more worse than it is now...

[Quinn looks away for a second and looks back. She sees a pair of upside down eyes, wearing glasses, staring back at her.]

Quinn(Leaping back): AWWK!!!

Daria: Well, well...looks like we caught a few "rats" under here.

Scene 2:

[Minty Hines and his friend Highway Hawkins are sitting in their office eating a plate full of brownies. They are listening to "Muskrat Lovers" on an old 8-track radio.]

Minty: Ummm...you know....ummm...Highway...AUUMMMumumum....

Highway: What's that Minty?

[Minty takes a drink out of his glass of milk. He swallows the brownies in his mouth.]

Minty: I tell ya Highway, the Dean has entrusted 'me' with the safe keeping of Haven University. Right on the most important day on campus...

Highway: What day would that be?

Minty: Homecoming!! I'm taking about Homecoming Day!

Highway: Oh...

Minty: I tell you Highway, things are running so smooth cause I have everything under control. And here we are eating your wife's homemade brownies. What a terrific day...

Highway: Um, what about Delta House?

Minty: What about them?

Highway: I've been hearing rumors that they are planning some takeover of Homecoming. Something about "Black Friday"...

Minty: Look! They always get themselves in trouble, but I don't think even they would attempt something that big. I had my little talk with them just to make myself clear to them. And if they "ever" do it anyway, then I told the campus police to treat them like rioters.

Highway: So it'll work?

Minty: Yes Highway...I planned the whole thing myself!!!

Highway: With that problem taken care of, then we can spend the whole night enjoying ourselves.

Minty: Oh yeah, all the brownies we can eat...

[Coach Malnak busts right in through the door...]

Malnak: HINES!!!!!!!!!

[Minty and Highway nearly fell of the chair.]

Minty: Wha...WHAT!?!?!!?

Malnak: Do something about those Delta morons!!!!

Minty: Do something?? What 'are' they doing?

Malnak: You mean to tell me that you spent the last hour in here listening to your hippie music and you have no idea about the commotion outside!?

Highway: Um...not really.

Minty: What commotion? What's going on here??

Malnak: They had taken complete control of the Homecoming Dance and made it a freaking mockery!!

Minty: That's impossible...

Malnak: Oh really!? Well let's listen to them on college radio, oh yeah they even took over the broadcasting booth there!

[Malnak yanks the 8-track out of the old radio and presses a button. It's already tuned in the college station.]

Dan(On radio): You are listening to the Dan and Maddog show on...Delta House Radio!!!!!

Minty: WHAT!?!? I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WOULD DID SUCH A THING!!!!

[Malnak turns the volume down.]

Malnak: Well believe it!! They even cost me the Homecoming game! We couldn't even continue because those sorry excuses for athletes wanted to go home earlier so they can get ready for this stupid "Black Friday".

Minty: Ok, so now we know what happened. At least we can try to contain it there...

Malnak: You idiot!!! The whole campus is now in an uproar, like a freaking revolution!

Minty: Oh no...

Malnak: They even have everyone from AZT locked up under the stage along with some high school football team. This isn't just some stupid frat house prank, it's insanity!!

Highway: Can't we just call the police?

Malnak: We can't.

Minty: Well why not?

Malnak: Because, every single campus cop along with the entire local police force are all busy handling a "celebration" by the scramble band.

Minty: Those Delta guys even had the band in their schemes! We got to stop this.

Malnak: No..."you" got to stop this!

Minty: Whu...

Malnak: The Dean left you in charge, and if he finds out about this then kiss your promotion good bye!

Minty: Oh man...what a crappy day this has been.

Malnak: The Dean should have left someone more responsible in charge of Haven University. If I had been left to run things, I would have those maggots climb up a long rope with a cattle prod up their butts!!

Minty: That's it, they have gone 'way' too far!

Malnak: Well do something about it and quit getting high off your pot brownies!

Minty: It's not pot! It's "mint"!!!

Malnak: Then what the crap is that glazed look you always have when you eat those things?

Minty: I happen to "mellow" out when I have my snacks...

Highway: You should see him when he eats his pretzels, he looks like he's in those Beetles cartoons.

Minty: Highway...shut up!

[Highway takes a brownie and puts the whole thing in his mouth. He chews it up slowly...]

Malnak: Well I had it this this bull!! I'm taking my vacation now...

Minty: What a minute!! You can't just leave me with this whole mess!

Malnak: I just did!

[Malnak storms out the door leaving Minty bewildered.]

Minty: Highway, why do these things always happen to me? Why???

Highway: EERruuummmph....

Minty: Don't talk with your mouth full you pig!!! Geeze, what else is going on down there...

[Minty turns the volume up so he can hear Dan and Maddog.]

Dan: Oh man, this is some party!!!

Maddog: Baby, baby, baby, baby.....BABY!!!!

Dan: Hey look, it's our own Ms. Monday Night!

Maddog: Yo "D", come on over here. Join the party...

[Daria and Jane walk over the the broadcasting booth which is now vandalized and have all these CD's strewn across the floor in front of it. Daria is now standing on the busted MTV thing with a big Delta triangle spray painted over it.]

Daria: You college guys really know how to clean up after yourselves.

Dan: Hey, have a seat with us.

[Daria and Jane sit next to Dan and Maddog, all four have microphones in front of them.]

Maddog: We are live from the Manson building kicking off our Black Friday party. And here with us is Ms. Monday Night with her best buddy Lady Jane.

Dan: Say hi to all the folks out there...

[Daria leans towards her mike.]

Daria: If anyone hears our plea for help, the hostages haven't been harm yet. Oh yeah... "hi".

Maddog: You really got a voice for radio, "D".

Daria: Funny you should say that, my sister has a "face" for radio.

Dan: Speaking of which, we should just let them out right now.

Maddog: Oh boy, that means we get to unleash the wrestlers on them!

Daria: These wrestlers wouldn't happen to want to go "professional" when they get out of school, right?

Dan: Hey boys, come on out!!

[Dan stands up and waives a key to the padlock while the big burly wrestlers walk through the crowd.]

Dan: Yeah that's it, time to take out the trash...

Daria: You don't seem like the type to hang out with jocks like those guys.

Maddog: True, but when you got most of them after your hide it's good to be friends with a few of them... just in case.

Daria: Ah... part of your little "chess" game you play with people's minds.

Maddog: There you go "D", you really are a smart girl.

Daria: I'm not really so smart, I just happen to be turned off by stupidity.

Dan: You sure? You would miss out on AZT getting hauled out like a bunch of jerks right now.

Daria: If my sister and all those morons from school as get hauled out, then I'll never forgive myself for not getting a close look at it.

Jane: Yeah, this I gotta see!

[Jane and Daria get up and go towards the middle of the stage where the wresters are manhandling the football players. They are also putting holds on the AZT people. In fact, they "really" enjoy putting the holds on AZT people. Quinn and Brittany are running after them, and they look back at Daria.]

Brittany: Wha...Daria!? How can you even be a part of this!!

Quinn: That's it, you're going to get it!!!!!!

[Daria grabs the microphone.]

Daria: Hey sis, how are you??? Nice to see you hanging with all the "cool" people getting thrown out...

Quinn: Grrrr...

Brittany: Please... you gotta call these guys off!

Jane: What's that? You want us to do "you" a favor? Hey Daria, she thinks we can do something about this...

Daria: We can, but I'm enjoying this way too much.

Brittany: Come on guys!!! At least give us a chance to say something...

Daria: I suppose that would be fair.

[Dan and Maddog go over to them and bring their own mikes.]

Dan: Alright, make your point quickly.

[Maddog tosses a mike at them. Tyson picks it up.]

Tyson: If you morons didn't have all these wrestlers with you, then we would have kicked the crap outta you!!

Dan: And that's why we have all these wrestlers with us, stupid.

Tyson: Hey Fred, you think you're so tough beating me up in a freaking girl's bedroom. Why don't you try that again when I'm ready right now.

Fred: You were more than ready and I still kicked your can. Hey, we can do it in the women's dorm hall. I bet you would really like that you perv...

Kevin: Well I want to fight someone, especially that little fat pig who tried to make off with "my" woman...

Brittany: What do you mean by "your" woman!? I'm not some object that you just own! Still, at least I enjoy the way you control me and all...

Kevin: I want the fathead right now!!!

Dan: Oh Ryan...

[Ryan comes over.]

Ryan: What's up Dan? I was sweet talking one of the ladies...

Dan: Yeah, one of their jealous boyfriends is here to see you.

Ryan: Yikes!!

Kevin: There you are!!!!!

Ryan: He'll have the whole football team beat me up! What'll I do??

Dan: Uh uh, we got our wrestlers holding them.

Ryan: Really?

[Ryan grabs the microphone.]

Ryan: You think you can beat the crap outta me? I like to see you try, whimp!

Kevin: I say we do here right now!!

Ryan: You gotta wear that stupid padding cuz you're all bone and marrow. I'm the biggest man on campus, check this buff bod!!

[Ryan does all sorts of silly poses which agitate Kevin.]

Kevin: Are you gonna fight me or act like a fat fool!?

Dan: Hang on a minute here... So you're challenging one of our Delta brothers to a one on one fight in front of everybody? Have I heard you correctly?

Kevin: I wanna kick his fat can!!!

Dan: I'll take that as a yes. Then you two will fight a duel until one of you surrenders. If you win my friend, you can have our Black Friday party all to yourselves and we'll leave.

Maddog(Fake grinning): Dan...what are you doing?

Dan: But if my man Ryan wins, then we throw you the crap outta Haven.

Fred: How 'bout it Ryan, do you accept a challenge with him?

Ryan: Yeah!!!!

Fred: Since he challenged one of the Delta brothers, then we must choose the method and weapons.

[Maddog whispers something in Dan's ear.]

Dan: Huh? Well ok...

Maddog: We of Delta Pi Muta, represented by Ryan, challenge the Lawndale High football team, represented by "what's his face"...

Kevin: It's Kevin!

Maddog: Whatever...to a wet towel whipping match!

Ryan: Alright!!!

Kevin: HA!!! I'm the best towel snapper in the locker room!

Dan: Then both have accepted, prepare the weapons for battle!!

[The crowd cheers as they are going to see a wet towel whipping match. Dan, Maddog, Daria and Jane go back to the broadcasting booth.]

Jane: What's a "wet towel whipping match"?

Maddog: A match where people whip each other with...wet towels I suppose.

Daria: And you put your whole party on the line. There really must be a fine line between confidence and insanity.

Dan: Relax, Ryan is the best towel whipper on campus.

Daria: Funny, he looks like the type that "gets" whipped by towels.

Dan: That's why he knows it so well.

[Both Ryan and Kevin are on the stage. A couple of guys bring out a bucket full of water and have two towels in there. They ring out the towels and give one to each of them.]

Fred: And words before we begin?

Ryan: Yeah, you...STINK!!

Kevin: I'm gonna beat you man. Watch me as I whip this dofus in front of my girlfriend. She'll be smothering me right after I...

[Ryan starts whipping Kevin who is completely caught off guard. The crowd goes wild.]

Fred: Begin the match now! Hehehee...

[Trent looks at the band and cues them to play the next song. Mystik Spyral starts playing "Bad To The Bone" and does a perfect rendition of the song that's played by a cover band.]

Jane: Ow!!! Kevin's really getting whipped in the head!

Daria: It's not like anything's in there that can be damaged any further.

Jane: Heh, why would they make him wear a helmet anyway?

Daria: That's to hide his face so people can't recognize him when he embarasses the whole team.

[Kevin falls off the stage and Ryan follows him. Both of them are working their way into the crowd whipping each other.]

Maddog: Looks like Ryan's really winning this one. In fact, this won't even last long because the Hullmeister easily overpowers the little man.

Dan: Yeah, I thought Ryan would have some real competition with this one. My grandma is tougher than that yellow goof.

Maddog: Heh, I remember when high school jocks were big and stupid. Now they're just stupid...

Dan: Hey 'Dog, remember Herman Hanna?

Maddog: Oh yeah...Herman Munster! The only thing he can do with that numb skull of his is give people head butts.

Dan: Think he can beat Big Kev?

Maddog: Oh please! Little Kev would get creamed by Herm, even if that big goof is drunk and stoned which he is most of the time.

Dan: My favorite play was when he ran all the way across the field and scored a major touchdown...for the other team!

Maddog: Hahahaha!!!! How stupid could a person be...I bet you know a lot of stupid people, don't ya "D"?

Daria: I spent my whole life doing a case study on stupidity. I even plan to do a book about it, but I can only use pictures for my subjects to even understand it.

[Ryan and Kevin are not only whipping each other but throwing themselves through the crowd. Everyone is loving the whole thing.]

Maddog: Hey, what the crap is that thing around Kevin's neck? It looks like freaking macaroni!

Daria: He couldn't find a sign that says, "I'm a noodle head".

[Kevin is in bad shape right now. Just as Ryan goes to finish him off, Brittany stands in front of Kevin and tries to protect him.]

Brittany: Stop, you're killing him! You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?

Ryan: I would never do that to a woman...but I would do this!!

[Ryan grabs Brittany and starts kissing her real hard. She struggles to get loose but Ryan has her in a bear hug.]

Dan: Yes!! YES!!!!

Jane: YUCH!!!!!!!!!! That's disgusting!!!

Maddog: Why would you even feel sorry for Brittany?

Daria: I feel more sorry for Ryan.

[Brittany breaks free from Ryan and she starts spitting that bad taste from her mouth. Kevin goes ballistic and starts wailing his towel on Ryan like a mad man.]

Maddog: Oh yeah, now it gets good!

[Ryan starts to stagger and even becomes dazed. While Kevin backed off for a second, Brittany slaps Ryan across the face. She then puts her hands on her hips and has a nasty pouting look on her face.]

Dan: Oh man...this is so freaking awesome!! This has to be 'the' best party we ever had.

Daria: Too bad you're going to lose this party... Ryan's getting his butt kicked, remember?

Maddog: That's it "D", rain on our little parade.

[Kevin is getting the upper hand as AZT looks on with the rest of the jocks.]

Tyson: AHAHAHA!!!!!! As soon as that idiot falls down, we can kick their butts once and for all!!

John: I can't believe this, we are finally beating these guys!!

Upchuck: AZT shall rise up...and we will conquer all the ladies!

Quinn: You get those slobs, I'm going to belt that puke green wearing sister of mine.

Tyson: Hey...you can have that broad. But Delta House is ours!!!

John: What!? That moron is still standing! Why don't he just lie down and get it over with?

Tyson: Yeah!! Let's just finish it.

Upchuck: You know something? Me and Kevin are really good buddies, even when we peek in the girl's showers. I'm gonna help him and bring AZT the glory it deserves.

Tyson: Do it Chuckie!!!!

[Upchuck goes up behind a staggering Ryan and puts a Full Nelson on him. He faces towards Kevin, with his back facing the stage, and Kevin mercilessly whips Ryan.]

Maddog: Hey!!!!! What is that little imp doing!?

Dan: He's freaking interfering!! Chad, go get him!!!!!

[Chad runs down from the stage towards Upchuck. He gets behind him without Upchuck even noticing. Chad grabs Upchuck by his underwear and lifts him off the ground!]

Jane: Hey look!!! Upchuck's getting a major wedgie!!

Upchuck: EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

[Upchuck lets Ryan go and Kevin is standing there looking astonished. Chad carries Upchuck over towards AZT and throws him right at John, Tyson, and Chris. He knocks them over like bowling pins.]

Kevin: Whoa...dude!!

[Ryan gets up all the sudden and starts hyperventilating.]

Ryan: You're making me MAD!!!!!!!

[Ryan goes berserk all over Kevin, whipping him all around. Kevin tries to get away but Ryan whips him all the way to the stage.]

Dan: YES!!!! Ryan is getting his second wind!!

Maddog: Yeah, he got gas...

[Kevin drops his towel and Ryan picks it up. Now Ryan is whipping Kevin with 'two' towels at the same time.]

Ryan: Who be bad!!! WHO BE BAD NOW!!!!!!!!!

[Kevin backs up all the way to the stage and can't any further. Ryan keeps whipping him until Kevin trips and falls on the floor. Kevin is now lying on his back. Ryan gets up on the stage.]

Dan: Come on Ryan, finish him!!

Daria: Why did he get on the stage?

Maddog: I bet he's gonna sit on him.

Daria: Oh come on...

[Ryan jumps off the stage and lands on Kevin with his butt. Daria became stunned and couldn't say a word.]

Maddog: For those who didn't believe, now you know...

Jane: He's getting up on stage now.

Dan: Oh man, he's gonna do it again!!

Jane: WHAT!? He'll kill him!

Dan: I think that's the point.

[Ryan goes back and does a running cannon ball right on Kevin. Everyone heard a loud crack as Ryan lands on him.]

Dan: Freaking A!!!!! Ryan's hardcore, baby!!!

[Fred goes over to Kevin and stops Ryan.]

Fred: Wait a minute!!! You might have killed him, dude! Let me check him...

[Fred checks over Kevin by feeling his pulse and checking his ribs.]

Fred: Well he's still alive, and I think his ribs are still intact. Oh geeze!!! Ryan, you completely cracked his padding!

Ryan: Wow...did I do that??

Fred(To Kevin): Hey man, are you ok?

Kevin: ...uggghhh...

Fred: What?

Kevin: ...I surrender...

Fred: You ok though?

Kevin: ...aw let me sleep in some more mommy...

Fred: Yeah, he's still alive. And he forfeits the match!

Dan: Hear that guys, he's ok!

[Daria and Jane sigh a breath of relief...]

Dan: Now drag that sorry carcass up here!!

[Fred and Ryan pick up Kevin and plop him on the stage. Dan, Maddog, Daria, and Jane go over to him.]

Fred: The winner, and still the whipping champ...RYAN HULL!!!!!

Crowd: RYAN!!!!!!! RYAN!!!!!!!!! RYAN!!!!!!!! RYAN!!!!!!!!

Fred: Somebody get those freaking bums outta here!!

[Fred points at AZT and the jocks as they run away from the wrestlers who go after them.]

Quinn: HEY!!!! Come back here you cowards!! I want you to go get them!

[Quinn runs out extremely steamed. AZT and Upchuck are thrown outside. They get up and brush themselves off.]

John: They freaking did it to us again! EEERRRGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!

Upchuck: We get back at 'em though...

Tyson: You're the one who screwed up Chuck!!!

Upchuck: ME!?!!?

Tyson: If you hadn't butted in, we could have beaten Delta House. Now you pay big time!!!

[The AZT guys throw Upchuck on the ground and rip his shirt off. Then then proceed to give him a massive pink belly.]

Upchuck: OOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Back on stage...]

Fred: You know the rules...winner sprays, loser pays!

[Chad takes out a can of black spray paint from his pocket and hands it to Ryan. Kevin is lying on his back and Ryan sprays a big Delta triangle on Kevin's chest. Brittany looks horrified as she runs up on the stage.]

Brittany: STOP IT!!!! You can't do this to him!!! How could you even 'be' with these people Daria!?

[Daria twirls her hair in a mocking fashion.]

Daria: Like, I have to hang out with the cool crowd...ya know?

[Dan kicks over Kevin and takes the mike.]

Dan: This is what Delta House thinks about Lawndale High as a collective...

[Dan sprays a zero all over Kevin's back.]

Maddog: Hey...his new jersey number. HAHAHAHA!!!!!

[Brittany covers Kevin as though she is protecting him and she starts crying her eyes out.]

Dan: Hey "D", sign your name on them!!

Maddog: Yeah, do it "D"!

[Dan gives Daria the spray can and isn't sure what to do with it. Daria looks back at Jane who merely shrugs back.]

Daria: Oh well...at least I'll be improving her uniform.

[Daria sprays a large "D" on Brittany's back. Brittany doesn't even notice as she's still crying over Kevin.]

Dan: Yeah!!! Ms. Monday Night!!!!!!!!!

[Dan and Maddog point at Daria with both arms as she stands over Kevin with her foot on Brittany's back. She flashes a wicked grin.]

ACT IV.

Scene 1:

[Some time has past, the party is really picking up steam...]

Dan: And we are still live broadcasting our Black Friday dance!!

Maddog: Hahahahahaa!!!

Jane: Hey guys, is there any food around here? That burrito I had passed away from me completely.

Daria: I don't think those burritos were even digested.

Maddog: Yeah, let's get some eats. Know a good place Dan?

Dan: You know what I'm thinking? Marge...

Maddog: Marge, the cheesesteak lady? Man, that's the best!

Dan: You girls want some cheesesteaks? I'm telling you, she makes them just like they do from Philly. Ain't nothing like a Philly cheesesteak.

Jane: Does she have any chicken wings?

Dan: She has everything. Here, I always carry this with me...

[Dan hands Jane a menu from Marge's Cheesesteaks.]

Jane: You want anything Daria?

Daria: I'll share your wings.

Jane: Cool. So who's ordering?

Dan: I'll give you the money. Just call the number and tell them Dan and Maddog want some cheesesteaks, they'll know.

Maddog: They even deliver, so you can just stand by the phone.

Jane: Ok, see ya in a few...

[Jane gets up and leaves.]

Dan: So you enjoying yourself "D"?

Daria: Oh yeah... I'm so freaking happy that if I was any more great, my head would just explode.

Maddog: Looks like you need a friend to play with. Let's get someone up here with us!

Dan: Hey Ryan, get over here!!!

[Ryan comes over to the booth and sits next to Daria.]

Dan: Alright, our main man Ryan! What's up my brother?

Ryan: Just basking in my victory...

Maddog: You have beaten that puny kid from the pee-wee football leagues into submission. How did you feel showing off your athletic prowess and your good sportsmanship?

Daria: Oh please....

Ryan: You know something Maddog, I am the "man"!! I can beat any jock and steal his woman. And I just about stole her...

Daria: A stale bag of cheese puffs is worth stealing more than that human airbag.

Ryan: Hey, I like eating cheesies!!! I eat lots of cheesies.

Daria: Then that explains why the toilets have been turning orange.

Dan: Hahahaha!!!

Ryan: How come you always have her around? She does nothing but insult me!

Maddog: I think you answered your own question Ryan.

Ryan: Very...funny!

Daria: Isn't that what the doctor said after your mom gave birth to you?

Ryan: You can laugh all you want, but all the chicks can't keep their hands off me and neither can you.

Daria: So you actually want "me" to lay my fingers on you?

Ryan: Yeah...now you're talking!

[Daria grabs and pinches Ryan's ear and twist it real hard.]

Ryan: OOWWWWWWWW!!!!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWWWW!!!!!!

Dan: That's it "D", keep him in line for us.

Daria: Lately today, I've been known to go nuts.

Maddog: Let me guess, one of your "psychotic flashbacks"...

Dan: Hey, what's up with those anyway?

Daria: Before I moved to Lawndale, I went to school with these two pathetic morons who not only crap vulgarity out their mouths but sit on their wasted butts watching bad music videos.

Dan: Huh, huh, huh, huh...that really sucks.

Daria: At least I got some entertainment out of them. For some perverse reason, I like to make fun of stupid idiots.

Dan: Well if you like those guys , then you'll really "love" Ryan.

Ryan: All the ladies love me, if they dig me any further then they need to get mineral rights.

Daria: It's like what people say, "You always 'hurt' the ones you love".

Ryan: Augh!!! Keep her away from me!

Dan: Ryan...let me try to explain why members of the opposite sex physically beat you up. How many women do you talk to always get to hear your cornball pick up lines?

Ryan: All of them.

Dan: And how many of them are turned off and repulsed?

Ryan: Ummm...all of them.

Dan: I rest my case.

Ryan: Yeah, well I coulda had the high school chick but I didn't want her after kissing her.

Daria: You must have had a lapse of good taste.

Ryan: Her breath taste like Corn Nuts!

Dan: You do realize that all of this is going out on the radio and everyone can hear all this including that chick you were kissing. I personally think it's great hearing all this...

Ryan: Man, I don't care who hear this! I rather be kissing Nichole, now that's a sweetheart. I'm even going to marry her! We'll have a Star Trek wedding and everything...

Dan: Ryan, there's no way she want you ever want you!

Ryan: Come on Dan, be realistic about it.

Dan: Realistic!? Not only is she engaged, but she'll have her baby in six months!!

Ryan: Well all of that can change.

[Dan moans.]

Maddog: Ok, let's change the subject.

Daria: Please...

Maddog: Let's see what kind of music they have here. Oh my golly, I can't believe they were actually gonna play this crap. Hanson! They really have "Mmm...Bop!" as one of the songs!!

Dan: Sadly, lots of lonely people are requesting they hear the bumble gum pop from these girl groups like Hanson.

Daria: Isn't Hanson made up of prepubescent boys?

Dan: Well they sure look like pretty long haired chicks to me...

Ryan: You know what? I really wanted to win that contest they were having.

Maddog: No you don't!

Ryan: Yeah, spring break with the Spice Girls. Those chicks are hot!!

Dan: What smack have you been snorting Ryan?

Ryan: I would really go out with the Spice Girls...except for that chick who had the blue hair.

Dan: Which one Ryan? They all had blue hair in that video.

Ryan: I dunno... They all looked the same.

Dan: Let's see...there's Stupid Spice, Bimbo Spice, Airhead Spice, Stoned Spice, Drunk Spice and Ho Spice...

Maddog: They all had blue hair so you wouldn't date any of them.

Ryan: Uh uh!!!!

Maddog: May as well since you wouldn't even have a chance with a magazine cover that has them on it.

Ryan: I'm gonna kiss them all one of these days!!

Daria: You can go kiss Barbie dolls since there would hardly be a difference.

Dan: Umm... I don't think we should go into that area with Ryan and Barbie dolls.

Ryan: I'm going to mingle with the crowd...

Maddog: Yeah, get lost Ryan.

[Ryan gets up and leaves.]

Daria: Next time you bring an idiot over here, please let me know. That way I can open up my barf bag.

Dan: Well speak of the doggie... Here comes Minty!!

Maddog: Oh this is gonna be sweet.

[Minty walks over to the broadcasting booth.]

Dan: Hey Big M...

Minty: Don't ever call me that!!! I hate being called Big M!!!!

Maddog: Anything you say Big M.

Minty: You guys had really done it this time!

Dan: Yep.

Minty: You single handily destroy Homecoming Day...the game, the dance, everything!!

Maddog: At least it was an improvement.

Minty: Coach Malnak was jumping all over my butt about this!!

Dan: I think that's between you two...

Minty: Geeze...you even still have a minor running around with you. Does your parents even know you're here at a rowdy college party!?

Daria: Sure, they even gave me their car and stock the trunk with booze.

Minty: You're a real smart alec, and I hate smart alecs.

Daria: One of us is smart at least.

Minty: If I ever find out you had been drinking on campus grounds, I'll nail you!

Daria: I haven't had a beer, but I've been doped up on coffee though.

Minty: Anyway...the Dean has only been gone for one day and already you people turn Haven into a war zone! We still have yet to settle that case in court when Pennyville sued the whole school. You Delta morons are trying to ruin me!!!!!

Dan: You sure you haven't been already ruined?

Minty: For crying out loud, I can't even enjoy a night relaxing while I eat my brownies!

Dan: You really woof those brownies down, is it true you put "pot" in them?

Minty: They're not pot brownies!!

Maddog: Then what's that green stuff?

Minty: IT'S MINT!!!!!!

Dan: Oh I'm sure it's just a rumor...much like the one with you wearing a toupee that looks like a woman's wig.

Minty: For the last time, I do not wear a toupee!!!!!!

Maddog: Oh yes, we believe you...

Minty: Well I don't!! You two guys are a freaking disgrace! At least that idiot Ryan isn't here right now because he makes my ulcers act up.

Ryan: Hey, what's up Big M!

Minty: Ryan, you make me sick!!

Ryan: Hey, I wasn't the one who put laxative in your soup! That was Fred.

Minty: Guess what, I now have to power to expel all of you from Haven. What do you have to say about that?

Ryan: Hey, what's that over there?

Minty: Where??

[Minty turns his head and Ryan takes the toupee of his head and takes off.]

Minty: I'LL KILL YOU RYAN!!!!!!

[Minty chases after Ryan through the crowd. Dan and Maddog are laughing hysterically.]

Dan: HAHAAHHAAHAA!!!!

Maddog: Hahaha!!! Boy, Minty is really "wigging" out on Ryan.

Dan: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: Would you two mind answering a couple of questions I have?

Maddog: Sure...

Daria: Are you clinically insane, and if so which medication should you guys be taking?

Dan: Lighten up! We just have a little fun here and there.

Maddog: That's what Delta House lives for, doing anything fun that nobody wants others to do. That's why everyone's here, cuz the Delta boys do things to all these preppies, teachers, and other idiots.

Dan: They all sit in their dorm rooms eating chips and listening to the stereo wishing they can do what we actually do.

Daria: Now as I understand this...there seems to be a thin line between achieving popularity and having a massive power trip.

Maddog: Hey, we don't give a rat's end if we have any popularity. We get their attention and give them the night's entertainment. Admit it...you wish you can do all the idiots in school and every- where else.

Daria: I "do" manage to get back at them, without burning towns of course.

Maddog: Heh, I sure like your style "D". You certainly are worthy to hang with the coolest frat house in existence.

Daria: That's nice, but I hope I wouldn't want to be "hanged" when you guys get caught.

Dan: We really are a true fraternity. The Delta Guys and all their friends look out for each other. This is what brotherhood is all about...and that includes sisterhood in your case.

Maddog: Hey Dan! I've been looking at this list and saw the last few songs they were going to play.

Dan: What's that?

Maddog: Winger.

Dan: Winger!? Hahahaha!!!! Who would be so desperate as to actually listen to Winger?

Daria: There are a few, and I knew one of them unfortunately.

Maddog: Says here that "Queen" Tammy requested them.

Dan: Gee, what a big freaking surprise that is. She goes around chasing and enticing all these boys and they end up running away in fear. Especially when she plays Winger on her date.

Daria: What's the story behind this Tammy person?

Dan: She's a sheep kisser.

Daria: A what??

Dan: Sheep kisser, she kisses sheep.

Daria: Ooookay....

Maddog: There's a story going around that she's too whacked out to be around humans that she ends up kissing sheep. We all hope it's false...

Dan: She's a control freak, an egotistical paranoid looney toon. I should have known that when I first met her in Pennyville...

Daria: Wait a minute! She was in Pennyvile?

Maddog: Well yeah! That's the girl who invited us to her party.

Dan: Man...it was horrible. We thought she was like being a good friend. Turns out that she wanted us to be her token college studs. But we fixed her good, hehehe...

Maddog: And we did the same thing we did in Lawndale, except of course things got way out of hand thanks to "Ryan"...

Dan: We rather not get into that right now.

Daria: Ok...so what about the music?

Maddog: Music??

Daria: We "were" talking about music before the thing about the sheep.

Dan: Oh yeah!!! Anyway, it sucks.

Maddog: Don't matter...we got a kicking band playing right here.

Dan: I don't even see the band up there except for that guy with the spikey hair.

Maddog: Oh I'm sure there on break or something. Hey "D", you know that dude?

Daria: Umm...yeah. That's Jane brother Trent. He, uh, practices in the basement when I visit her.

Maddog: Well let's bring him over here. Hey Trent, dude!! Come over here!!!

[Daria gulps as all the blood in her whole body rushed to her head and her heart went way down to her feet.]

Dan: Yeah, get your progressive rock butt over here! We want you on our show!!

[Trent puts down his guitar and comes over to the booth. And takes the chair that's near by Daria.]

Maddog: Yeah, sit right next to your number one fan. How you doing, son?

Trent: Aw man, this party freaking rocks!!!

Dan: It's Delta House, did you expect anything less?

Trent: Hey Daria...

Daria: ...ummm...eeeemrrmm....

Dan: So you two know each other well?

Trent: Well, um, she's my sister's friend who always hangs out at our house.

Dan: That's Ms. Monday Night you're sitting next to, the queen of Black Friday.

Maddog: So who gets to be king?

[Daria suddenly ceases up in total fear.]

Dan: We ain't got no king here! Black Friday's like England right now. She is the Queen, Delta House is Parliament, and Ryan's our Prime Minister.

Maddog: Then we be in big trouble boy!!

Trent: Hahaha!!!

[Jane comes back with the food.]

Jane: Oh!! You're here Trent! I bet you and Daria had lots of fun listening to these two goofy guys.

Maddog: You kidding? They're both speechless cuz it's an honor sitting next to us.

Trent: Hohoho...

Jane: Anyway guys, I got the food from Marge. She says she'll put it on your tab for tonight.

Dan: That's cool.

Jane: And she'll even give the band some free food as well.

Trent: That's great man.

Dan: Speaking of band, where the crap are they?

Trent: Well, they said they were going to meet with another band that's in town.

Maddog: Oh?

Trent: We got a message that some group called Spinless Jellyfish wants to jam with us tonight. They wanted to go but I said we should stay in case something happens and we're needed.

Dan: That's how it usually is for a Delta jam.

Trent: So they went off saying they'll be back in a few minutes and I've been here ever since.

Jane: Trent, doesn't it seem funny that the band goes off to who knows where and you sit around waiting for them to come back?

Maddog: Hang on for a second... Did you say "Spinless Jellyfish"?

Trent: Um, yeah...

Dan: Uh, dude... Spinless Jellyfish is the only local band in Haven, and they're not even here. That's why we called you guys to come play at our party.

Trent: I see... So who gave us that message?

Maddog: What did that guy look like.

Trent: Total square man, looked like a preppie and he had this little letters that said AZT.

Dan: Uh oh...

Maddog: Come on guys! We gotta get the band back.

Daria: Wait a minute, hold on! You're saying that AZT may have held Trent's band hostage??

Dan: Wow, we never thought of that one.

Maddog: But we have to get them back so they can play for us. Let's go Trent.

Jane: Yeah, we'll follow you guys...

Maddog: You guys better stay here and keep an eye on the party for us.

Daria: You mean "we" have to be in charge of this chaos!?

Dan: You'll have fun of it, see you in a few.

[Dan, Maddog, and Trent get up and leave.]

Jane: Well...I guess we're running the show now.

Daria: Jane, this whole freaking thing makes no sense at all. These goofballs make the idiots in Lawndale look like mentally stable people.

Jane: Well hey, it's a different world in college.

Daria: Different world!? We're on another planet here.

Jane: I dunno... Guess we just try to enjoy ourselves, nothing else we can do.

Daria: You're right, I mean it's not like anything things can get any crazier.

Jane: You sure? There's a wacky looking woman wearing a tiara coming our way...

[Tammy storms over to the booth and violently grabs a mike.]

Tammy: Let's get one thing straight here...I'm the queen and it's "my" dance!!!!

Jane: Now wait, we had nothing to do with...

Tammy: Shut up!!! I heard all of you up hearing talking about me on the freaking radio. I am not a sheep kisser!! You people ruined the greatest moment of my life!!!!

Daria: You wouldn't happen to know someone named Quinn, would you?

Tammy: Delta House...AZT..Lawndale High...I'm sick of you people destroying the night of my life! Those idiots Dan and Ryan already wrecked my senior high party back in Pennyville, and now they did it to me again!!!! Do you two morons have any idea what that was like!?

Daria: My sister does, but only because she deserved it.

Tammy: Look here Little Miss Monday or whatever you call yourself... you're not the Homecoming Queen here, I am!!!! And if those slimeballs don't come back here in an hour, I'm coming back and I will destroy the broadcasting booth!!!!!

[Daria and Jane are stricken with utter fear.]

Tammy(Walking up to Jane's face): Comprende!?

[She walks up to Daria's face.]

Tammy: Understand!?!?

[She backs off a bit.]

Tammy: So if they know what's good for them...

[Someone from the crowd throws a stuffed sheep at Tammy and hits her on the head with it.]

Tammy: What the crap is this!?

Someone from the crowd: Go stuff it you sheep kisser!!

Tammy: All right, who threw this!?!?! I'll beat every one of you cowards here!!!!!

Crowd: Baaa.... BAAAAAA!!!!!

[Tammy gets extremely ticked off and she starts ripping the sheep apart. She yanks it wide open and all the stuffing flies all over the place. Tammy takes what's left of the sheep and whips it right on the booth in front of Daria and Jane who are way beyond terrified.]

Tammy: You tell those crap heads that I'm coming back and they better be here or else!!!!!

[Tammy stomps off from the scene leaving a stunned Daria and Jane with a horrified look on their faces. They couldn't say anything for a couple of minutes and all they can do is look at each other. After a while, Jane regained her composure to make a few words.]

Jane: Did you see that? I can't believe what she nearly did to us...

Daria: Wow, she's tough enough to beat up a sheep.

[Meanwhile, Quinn is standing outside talking with the guy who drove her up here.]

Quinn: Those yellow belly chickens!! They didn't try to fight those Delta Guys but they ran away with the freaking football team. The pukes even left me up here with these...PEOPLE!!!!

Guy: I think we better get outta here now Quinn, it looks like no one likes us here.

Quinn: No!!! I'm not leaving here!! Why should I lose my popularity up here all because that Daria is trying to screw me over? I am not leaving here until I give her, and those freaking slobs, a piece of my mind and my bony knuckled fists!!

Guy: You're acting insane! Quinn, you go back in there and they'll rip you apart, let's just leave here and never come back.

Quinn: You leave then!!! Not only did they destroyed my first, and now only, party I ever hosted but I was even locked underneath the stage with those animals!! They will pay...

[Tammy comes out of the building and shoves past Quinn who gets knocked over.]

Quinn: Hey jerk, watch where you're going!!!

[Tammy turns around and grabs Quinn by her shirt.]

Tammy: Don't screw around with me little girl, cuz I'm not in the freaking mood!

Quinn: Wait, you can't beat me up!

Tammy: Why the crap not!?

Quinn: Well for one thing, you'll ruin your hair...and you might even break a nail.

Tammy: Yeah, I suppose...wow I really like your nails.

Quinn: Think so?

Tammy: Sure! They really go well with that pink and sandy beach motif you have going.

Quinn: I love mixing pink and sandy beach!! You should have seen me in my causal outfit I wore at my party today...

Tammy: Oh...I wish I could have been there.

Quinn: At least before those Delta pigs ruined everything!

Tammy: What!? They came and ruined your party too? They did the same to me last year!!

Quinn: Yeah they did!!! And my sister brought them over to embarass me in front of everyone from my school!

Tammy: Your sister?

Quinn: That snob with the green jacket and glasses, sitting up there in the broadcasting booth looking so freaking smug...

Tammy: That so-called Ms. Monday Night's your sister!? If she ever gets in my way when I rip those Delta guys up with my bare hands, she goes down with them!

Quinn: Hey, save me some...I want a piece of them too!!!

Tammy: Is that right? Well how 'bout we get together and stomp them all through the ground?

Quinn: Yeah...but we can't just go in and attack them head on.

Tammy: Why not?

Quinn: Because Daria is way too crafty and so are these Delta Guys.

Tammy: I see. So maybe we'll "beat" them at their own game! How does that sound?

Quinn: That is so perfect...

Scene 2:

[About a half hour has passed. No Delta guys... No Mystik Spyral... and no pizzas as all the deliverers had been raided by the people "celebrating" outside.]

Jane: Welcome back to the Black Friday radio show! Filling in for Dan and Maddog is my best friend, Ms. Monday Night...

Daria: Oh not you too.

Jane: And myself. Now there's something I should tell all you college guys. When I put in my CD's with alternative grunge and indie music...it's not meant for "slow dancing" which you people have been complaining about.

[Melody comes over to them.]

Melody: Hey guys, everything going ok?

Daria: Well the freak show circus seems to be holding quite well tonight...

Melody: You hear back from Dan and the others on finding the band?

Jane: Actually, we were going to ask you on how the search is going.

Melody: Umm... Not that well I'm afraid.

Daria: So you hadn't found them yet.

Melody: Has Trent been here?

Jane: Naw, isn't he with those guys?

Melody: Oh. He isn't...

Jane: He isn't?

Melody: To be honest, we lost Trent.

Daria: What!? They took Trent to look for the band who's missing and now not only they can't find them, but they lost him as well?? How can you even misplace a person who's helping you with a search?

Melody: One of those things I guess...

Jane: Oh geeze, they better get them back here soon because things are starting to fall apart here.

Daria: You mean they haven't fallen apart already?

Melody: I'll take some of my girls to help find the Delta guys so they can help find the band.

Jane: So what happens when "you" guys happened to get lost?

Daria: Send a Saint Bernard with a barrel of Bud Lite after them.

Melody: If you guys need anything, just call us and we'll try to be back.

Daria: We'll try 911 first.

[Melody leaves the scene.]

Daria: Well if that isn't a kicker to top the wonderful night of our lives, then I wouldn't know what anything is.

Jane: I'm sure they'll find Trent and bring him back. Hehe...

Daria: What?

Jane: Maybe when you two go out on the floor, I'll play some slow dancing...uh, I mean alternative grunge and indie music.

Daria: Jane, you're gonna sound real funny with a microphone shoved up your nose.

Jane: Come on! They'll find him...

Daria: I'm more concern about the Queen of the Harpies coming back like she promised.

Jane: She's so spazed out that I don't think she'll ever remember the whole thing.

Daria: Did you see the crazed look in her eyes? In fact, Quinn had that same look when she glared at me when I was up on the stage.

Jane: Heh, that twit needs a huge dosage of Ritalin.

Daria: I'm serious! This Tammy person had her party ruined by Delta House, and her reputation as a popular high school queen was destroyed as well. The same thing that happened to Quinn today...

Jane: Oh, I see...

Daria: So at this point, who knows what will happen.

Jane: Yeah, I guess that...oh crap!

Daria: What?

Jane: Look at "this"...

Daria: What are you...oh for crying out loud.

[Quinn comes up on the stage and grabs the microphone.]

Quinn: If I can have your attention please, there are a few things I should say...

Daria: You know, we can turn the music up louder so no one can hear her, and she wouldn't even noticed we did it.

Jane: Oh! I just took out the CD just now because it was the end of it.

Daria: Julius had his Brutus...and now Daria has her Jane.

Quinn: Since I know all you cute college guys like to see a pretty face, I'll be the one to tell you.

Guy from back: Hey, get the crap off the stage and bring back the freaking band!

Quinn: First of all, someone who deserves to be Homecoming Queen has been denied her glory so she's coming back to reclaim her throne.

Daria: I hope she remembers to put the seat down first before she sits on it.

Quinn: Looks like the Delta "guys" aren't even here so the "cover girls" are taking over the party.

Crowd: We want RYAN!!!! We want RYAN!!!!!

Quinn: Even the drunken slobs out there can see that I am a real hot babe. In fact, all you guys can't take your eyes off me.

Jane: That's it, I can't even eat my food right now.

Crowd(chanting): "I don't want her, you can have her....she's too dumb for me!! She's too dumb for me!!! She's too dumb for me..."

Quinn: Oh hahaha... Anyway, here is the greatest Homecoming Queen of all time. Tammy O'Donnel!

Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[Queen Tammy comes out on stage waving to the crowd who is booing, yelling, and jeering her. They even throw garbage on the stage right at her. She towers over Quinn with her high heels.]

Tammy: My people!! I know how much you love and adore me, you all who voted me to be your queen.

Crowd(chanting): Bull...CRAP....bull...CRAP....

Tammy: And who better than to tell you people about my triumph over adversity then my good friend Quinn. Take it away girl...

Quinn: Thank you, your royal highness. Hahahaha!!!!

Daria: If Quinn's nose gets any browner, she'll be sneezing crap.

Quinn: It's not easy for us popular people in high school, especially when we're so freaking beautiful as well. Everyone is so jealous of you and will do anything to make your life as horrible as theirs. People like "DELTA" House...

Crowd: DELTA HOUSE!!!!!! DELTA HOUSE!!!!!!

Quinn: They are the misfits and the outcasts are so bitter and twisted that they seek to destroy the best years of high school!

Crowd: HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!!! HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!!! HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!!!

Jane: Aren't you gonna say something Daria?

Daria: I'm still waiting to see how far she can shove her foot in her mouth first.

Quinn: Tammy was the victim of their heinous crimes, just as I was earlier today. And now, they try to take away her fame and glory tonight. But she's still here and still the queen, let's hear from Tammy!!

Crowd: TAMMY SUCKS!!!! TAMMY SUCKS!!!! TAMMY SUCKS!!! TAMMY SUCKS!!! TAMMY SUCKS!!!!!

Tammy: Shut up!!! Shut up you idiots!! I'll beat you all up!

Jane: Geeze, she's paranoid, delusional, and totally psychotic!

Daria: Voted most likely to succeed in government...

Quinn: Show some respect for your queen and give her your worship!

Tammy: That's right! I want all you idiots to bow down to you master!!!

[Quinn gets on her knees and gives Tammy the "I'm not worthy" bow.]

Daria: All those years Quinn denied that we were sisters, I finally understand why...

Jane: I thought there was a Commandment that forbids idol worship?

Daria: There should be one against "idiot worship".

[Quinn gets up.]

Tammy: Time to get down to business, Delta House! Where are those cowards!?!? I came out here making an ultimatum and they still haven't shown up. Those morons are too scared to come out here and face me! I want Dan and Ryan right here right now so I can beat the living crap outta them!!!

Quinn: Show a little backbone, what are you afraid of!? I want those idiots out here so I can give them a piece of my mind!

Daria: They'll hardly get anything.

Tammy: Ryan!! Get your fat can down here right now...

[Quinn and Tammy look around for a few seconds.]

Quinn: You know what? They're too scared to come out.

Tammy: Of course they're scared! I said if they aren't here when I get back, I'm breaking the whole set here. Now where are those two... There they are!

[Tammy points at Daria and Jane sitting in the booth.]

Jane: Uh oh...

Tammy: Well...well, if it isn't Ms. Monday Night herself. She talks big on the radio but I'm wondering if she has the guts to say that crap of hers in my face!

Quinn: Hey Daria, you think you can get away with a lot of things but not tonight! Mom and Dad aren't here to bail you out either.

Tammy: Get over here so I can squash you like the little bug you are!

[Daria stands up gritting her teeth and clinching her fists.]

Jane: Whoa!! Chill...those jerks aren't even worth it!

Quinn: Hey Tammy, if nerdiness is like water then she's Niagara Falls!

Tammy: Hahahaaha!!!!

[The crowd boos loudly and most of them are still throwing garbage at Quinn and Tammy.]

Jane: That's it, let's kill 'em!

Daria: Let's...

[Daria and Jane go over to to Quinn and Tammy and stand right up in front of them.]

Crowd: CATFIGHT!!!! CATFIGHT!!!! CATFIGHT!!!! CATFIGHT!!!!!!!

[Daria yanks the microphone from Tammy and gets in her face.]

Daria: First of all, you're in no position to make those comments...especially since you got no guts to begin with!

[The crowd is cheering her on.]

Daria: You wouldn't like it one bit if I told everyone here that you're a bloody useless pea brain peon who's stupidity seeps from a fungus growth which is a substitute for a brain stem, and that you are not only a crappy judge of character but you're also a freaking loud mouth hypocrite hiding behind a bucktoothed sneer and pops a zit at anyone who doesn't comply to your utterly shallow standards of outward appearances that is the same as of a slug... which by the way has far more intelligence, and certainly far more "dignity", than you'll ever hope to obtain in your sorry miserable excuse for an existence!!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: But since I refuse to stoop down to your level, I won't do it right now.

[Tammy stands there quivering with her mouth all the way down to the floor, completely stunned.]

Daria: And as for you Quinn, you little boot lick, you're dead when I get you home...

[Jane makes a gesture of hitting her left hand with her right fist.]

Quinn: Whoa...whoa...no...now...now what a minute here...

Daria: Well go on and have your petty revenge, don't just stand there like an idiot.

Quinn: Fine! You win...for now. Guess I'll have to wait until Mom and Dad come home and will have to explain that not only is the house destroyed because you brought over some rowdy fraternity guys, but you went off to a college party with them. Ho boy, I can't wait to see their faces!

Daria: And that will be a good time for me to tell them that you went behind their backs and had a party when you weren't suppose to. Boy, I really underestimated your total stupidity. If I get burned at the stake, I'm dragging you into the fire kicking and screaming.

Quinn: Oh yeah!!! Well let me tell you...

[A cup full of soda hits Quinn squarely on the head. The crowd cheers when they see this.]

Quinn: Hey!! My bouncy hair costs twenty "freaking" dollars at a beautician to style!

[Tammy grabs the mike from Quinn.]

Tammy: Oh shut up you two! This is about "my" dance and "my" life!!! All the kids in school always picked on me, and every time I make advances on the boys I get called "The Senior High Slut". There were two moments my my life when all of that could have been turned around. My high school party in Pennyville and my Homecoming dance. Both of them had been ruined by those idiots Dan and Ryan!! I deserve to have the spotlight on me!!! I worked hard to be queen, I even had to send that stupid blonde who "dared" to run against me some chocolates with some Ex-Lax mixed in. So I should be the top dog after the way the whole world treated me like garbage!!!

Daria: Just listen to yourself! You act like you're the only one with problems. And even now you won't face up to the fact that you can't even cope when things aren't going exactly your way. I certainly know what it's like getting the short end of things, but don't expect me to feel sorry for you since you do too much of it yourself.

Tammy: You're just jealous...yeah that's it, you're jealous of me! I'm up here as the Homecoming Queen of a big university, and all you are is...is...standing in front of the Homecoming Queen of a big university!

[The people still throw trash at Tammy which is piling around her feet.]

Daria: So congratulations...you're now "queen" of the mountain. Too bad it's a pile of garbage.

Tammy: Ok, that does it!!

[Tammy goes back to the stage and gets a baseball bat that has been lying there since Chad dropped it.]

Tammy: I'll show you all who's the loser!!!

Quinn: Wait!!!! I just wanted to bad mouth her!

Jane: Daria, do something!!

Daria: Do what!?!?

[Tammy swings the bat over her head a few times and gets ready to hit the girls with it.]

Tammy: Batter...UP!!!!!!!

[Melody and Kacie run from outside and rush up to the stage at neck breaking speed. The crowd goes fanatical over them. The Beta Girls stand in front of Daria and Jane protecting them from Quinn and Tammy.]

Tammy: What the crap is this!? This isn't a freaking cob party, go back to your sorority!

[She lunges towards Melody, but Kacie side steps and grabs the bat in mid air. She wrestles it from Tammy's grip.]

Kacie: Go ahead and try it witch, and I'll break your freaking head off!

Tammy: Why you...

[Kacie uses the bat to push Tammy far back who staggers and lands on her duff. Kacie then throws the bat towards the back of the stage.Quinn backs off in fear.]

Melody: You think you're tough by bullying shorter girls from high school? Well I'm smaller, try pushing me around you stupid witch!

[Melody and Kacie put their hands up ready to fight.]

Kacie: Yeah, four against two now! If you idiots don't get off the stage, we'll throw you off.

[A dorky laugh interrupts the action, and Tyson comes from behind the curtains holding a wireless mike. John and Chris are with him.]

Tyson: Ah...HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Hey lookie! We got more chicks than a chicken farm. Ah, hahahaha!!!

Daria: And what's a farm without a few "pigs" walloping in their own slop and manure?

John: Hey, hey... You better be nice to us, if you know what's good for ya! Cuz we're running the show now with those Delta morons all gone.

Tyson: That's right, AZT has risen and all those rat turds are gonna suffer!

Chris: Uh...yeah.

Jane: What did you dorks do with my brother's band!?

Tyson: Hey! All we know is that they're "tied" up for the moment.

[John, Tyson, and Chris snicker.]

Melody: You idiots are the ones who will be sorry, cause when Delta House gets back...

John: They won't be back! They lost the band and they even lost themselves. So they will not be returning some time shortly.

Tyson: And guess what? We got all you 'ladies' to ourselves, ah...hahahahaha!!!!!

Daria: I think we are way too much for you guys who still live in your parent's basement watching Star Trek marathons.

[John sneers.]

Tyson: Oh what's this, some brainy broad making fun of us? You weren't even invited to "our" party in Lawndale so you were low enough to sneak in with those slobs.

Daria: That happens to be my house you fathead, and I never wanted the likes of you in there at all.

Tyson: Then you should have stayed in the kitchen and go make me some dinner in your bare feet, ah..haha!!!

[Jane, Melody, and Kacie are getting very ticked off at Tyson. Daria only returns a stone cold glare at him.]

Daria: Don't be mad at us just because you dogs can only get it on with cold fire hydrants.

John: Shut up!!

Daria: Oh, did I offend you? Sorry...I didn't mean to call you a dog. You're more like a "weasel" with a ferret face.

[Melody and Kacie high five each other while the AZT guys sneered and make sour puss gestures. Meanwhile, someone in a black shirt sneaks behind the broadcasting booth without anyone noticing.]

Crowd: TYSON SUCKS!!!! TYSON SUCKS!!!!! TYSON SUCKS!!!!!!

Tyson: You people better shut up while we're trying to speak here!

[The crowd makes an even louder noise.]

John: Nnnyyyynnnn......

Chris: Yeah!

John: And as far as those Delta guys go, we...

[John gets interrupted by the sudden playing of some guitar riffs. It's from a remixed version of "Highway Child" with the tempo slightly increased. The crowd goes ecstatic because they know that it's...]

John: Delta House!!!!

[John throws his hands down in disgust as everyone looks towards the front entrance. Dan, Maddog, and Ryan come strutting in with large beefsticks in their mouths.]

John: I hate those guys...

[The Delta Guys are smiling and high fiving anyone in the crowd they get near as well as each other. They get up on stage and take the front of the center. Maddog gets a couple of mikes from where the band is suppose to be and gives one to Dan.]

Maddog: Cut the music!!

[The music fades away...]

Dan: We hear all these ladies up here calling our names so how can we resist?

[Everyone in the crowd is marking out for these guys.]

Dan: That even includes you guys from AZT, though you're really aren't that all attractive even to flies.

John: Shut up Dan!! You always have to come prancing up here in a big production?

Dan: Umm...yeah!

Maddog: Just to let you guys know, we got our boys combing the entire campus looking for our band. And once they find them, they'll come looking for you...

[The AZT guys are getting nervous and the audience cheers.]

Maddog: We heard you flapping your lips on how you didn't want us, or Ms. Monday Night, at your so called party. Only a lame brain "dweeb" would actually take any credit for that pathetic funeral wake.

Quinn: Hey!!! That really was my party you piece of dog crap!

Maddog: Eat me!

Quinn(Angry): Oohhh!!!!!!

Maddog: So let's get a few things straight... We can go to "any" party we wanna go to. We can bring "anyone" we wanna bring. We can do "anything" we wanna do! And you know why?? Cause we said so!!

Crowd: YYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[Maddog sticks out his hand and points directly at Quinn.]

Maddog: And as for all you rugrat runts who stayed up past their bed time and came down here thinking you can even hang with us in Haven...as if!! You maybe the big shots in your little world of high school, but not in our universe! You got no stroke here.

[Ryan takes the mike from Maddog and says the same thing to Quinn that he said to Brittany earlier.]

Ryan: Hey baby! How about I take my shirt off and show you what a real "man" I am... You know you want me babe!!!!

[Ryan starts gyrating his hips and sticking his fat gut right out in front of Quinn.]

Quinn: UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Quinn has a horrified face that she has never had before. Her face becomes so red that she hides it with her hands and turns her back towards everyone else.]

Maddog(Smiling): Merry Christmas, Ms. Monday Night!

Daria(Grinning): It's a little late getting here, but I really like my gift...

Dan: Whhhoooooooo!!!!!!! Ya can't beat Delta House Baby!! In fact, since we're back in business...I think we should kick these bums outta here!

Crowd: YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[Now the AZT guys are getting terrified.]

Dan: We'll let the Beta Girls do the honors. Ok ladies...

[Kacie grabs the bat from the floor near the rear of the stage.]

Kacie: You heard the man, get them!!

Melody: Yeah!!!!

John: Oh crap...

[At around this time outside, the guy who was with Quinn is standing not far from the wide open doors.]

Guy: What's taking Quinn so long? I wanna get outta here...

[A black pickup truck comes zooming through the front lawn stopping a few inches from where Guy is standing. The truck honks it's horn a couple of times and Guy gets so scared he jumps out of the way. The truck gets going again and Chad sticks his head out the front window.]

Chad: Get outta the way, stupid!!

[Chad drives the truck pass Guy and there are some guys riding in the back. The pickup goes roaring up the front steps into the Manson building honking it's horn so everyone can get out of it's way. It drives halfway through the dance floor before stopping. Chad and Fred get out of the pickup and so does Mystik Spyral who were riding in the back.]

John(Horrified): AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

[Melody and Kacie charge towards the AZT brothers and chase them off the stage. They are headed off in the front by Chad and Fred who chase John and Tyson out of the building through the side doors along with the Beta girls. The band makes it's way into the crowd and everyone's cheering their return.]

Dan: We got the band back!!!

[Dan high fives Ryan...]

Dan: YEAH!!!!

[Dan high fives Maddog...]

Dan: YEAH!!!!!!!!!

[Dan tries to high five Daria who just stands there and doesn't high five him back.]

Dan: Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh...oh...

Tammy: You haven't won yet Dan, I'm getting my revenge right now!!

Dan: 'Ey yo...witch!!!

Tammy: You guys, especially you and Ryan, ruined my life! I haven't forgotten what you did in Pennyville and now I'm using this night, which is suppose to be my greatest moment, to repay what you did to us. I bring the wrath of Pennyville with me!!!!

Dan: Oh get over it already! Geeze...

Quinn: And you people ruined my life as well!!

Dan: Who the crap are you anyway?

Quinn: Who am I!?!? My name is Quinn Morgendorffer and I come to seek my vengeance on you Delta guys!!

Ryan: Hey, what bug went up your crawl?

[Daria turns towards Dan and Maddog.]

Daria: Hasn't it occurred to you "idiots" that what you did to my sister was the same thing you did to Tammy in Pennyville and that's why they both want your blood so badly?

Maddog: Huh... What's she going on about?

Dan: Oh I get it! We have another sheep kisser running around in the world.

Tammy: How dare you call me a sheep kisser!?!?! I hate that!!!!

Dan: Would you rather if we call you an old nag?

Ryan: Tammy is a nag!!!!! Tammy is a "nag"!!!! Tammy is a NAG!!!!!

Tammy: Shut up Ryan!!!!!

[She takes off a high heel and wings it at Ryan.]

Ryan: Owwwww!!!!!!!

Dan: Let's get one thing straight witch... I was trying to visit a girl who lived there when she wasn't going to Haven. I wanted to spend some time with her, but you wanted us at your stupid little party. When we said no, you told my friend all these horrible rumors. Now she wants nothing to do with me. And I still can't even contact her since she went off to study in another country. So what we did was payback baby!

Maddog: And you even confessed that you gave that other girl running for Homecoming Queen laxative, so we all know how manipulative you really are.

Ryan: Yeah!!! You have all that Ex-Lax cause you're always so stuck up you even have constipation. Hahaha!!!!

Tammy: I said shut up Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tammy takes off her other show and throws it at Ryan's head.]

Ryan: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dan: Hey!!!! Don't be hitting my friend like that!!

Tammy: You guys are so disgusting, I'm teaching you all a lesson!

Dan: Oh really... Ryan, do your stuff!

Ryan: With pleasure, hehehe...

Tammy(Snobbish): Oh, what are you doing to do...

Ryan: I'm gonna kiss you all over!! I gotta close my eyes and hold my nose but...

Tammy: You wouldn't dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ryan pulls his shirt over his head.]

Ryan: I am the Great RYAN-HOLIO!!! I want to lick ya with my MOUTH HOLE!!!!!!!!!!

Tammy: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE TOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tammy runs away from Ryan but falls off the stage.]

Dan/Maddog: HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

[Ryan jumps after her and chases her out of the building with the shirt over his head. The crowd is laughing at the whole thing.]

Jane: You having one of those psychotic flashbacks right now?

Daria: Naw... If anyone deserves one, it's her.

Dan: Now who's next...oh yes, it's the little runt!

Quinn: Wait!!!

Maddog: Get o'er here!!!!!!

Quinn: Wait!!! Stop!!!!

Dan: Time for your spanking...

Quinn: Please!!!! I want to join you guys!!

Maddog: What!?

Quinn: Yeah, I wanna join you guys!!!

Maddog: Why should ya!?

Quinn: Because you guys "are" the coolest people on any campus. I was wrong...I thought the people I hang out with are cool. But they're all a bunch of dorks. I didn't realize it till now! I never liked the Fashion Club anyway...

Dan: Why should we listen to you?

Quinn: Because...because even though I came off as angry, I was really impressed with the way you guys partied. I thought I should impress all those people from school, but next to you Delta guys they're all idiots! Delta House is the coolest!!! And uh...

Dan: Oh shut up already!!!! Geeze, you're giving me a headache with all that whining! So you want to hang with Delta House, is that it?

Quinn: Oh yes!

Dan: Whadda think Mr. Mad?

Maddog: You have to realize that we can't just let anyone join Delta House, we don't just take anybody. AZT obviously does... But to hang with us, you have to know someone who already knows us. But in your case, we'll make an exception...

Quinn: Thanks!!

Maddog: But... I don't have the final say, this falls on the responsibility of the person in charge of recruiting new members. In fact, this person is also our latest applicant so we will ask, Daria Morgendorffer here...

Quinn: WHAT!?

Maddog: Now Ms. Monday Night, do "you" think that this high school rugrat is even worthy for us to even acknowledge her existence, let alone be down with the hottest fraternity on the face of the planet?

Jane: Go on and nail her!

Daria: Well...I dunno...

Quinn: Hey, Daria...sis! I know we had our little arguments, but I always stuck up for you in school. No really, when you weren't around and the other kids make fun of you I tell them that that's my flesh and blood they're knocking. You always have been there for me, so how 'bout it?

Jane: Whaa... You can't seriously believe this bullcrap!?

Maddog: Well...how about it "D"?

[Quinn is looking at Daria with her sad puppy dog eyes. Daria stares at the floor for a while and then looks up at Quinn. She says the following without and emotion or expression...]

Daria: I have never seen this person in my life.

Quinn: WHAAAA!?!?!?!?!?

Dan/Maddog: Ha...hahahaha!!!

[Quinn's heart has sunk way below the floor. She has never, ever, been as humiliated as she is tonight.]

Maddog: Just so you remember this for future reference little girl... It don't matter what you wear, what you listen to, what you buy, or who you hang with. If you ain't going to be a person who thinks for yourself and insist on being a mindless sheep lemming...you can never, in your sorry life, can ever be in the same caliber or even as "cool" as Delta House. Now run along home before I kick your can off stage...

[Quinn gets down off the stage in frustration. Dan, Daria, Maddog go to the front to see her leave.]

Dan: Oh yeah... There's just one more thing we like to do with your "sister"!!!!!!!

Quinn: WHAT!?!!?!?!?

Dan: "Break it down!!!"

[The guy behind the booth plays the same song that Dan played at Quinn's party, starting somewhere in the middle. Dan and Maddog start doing waist twisting dances.]

Quinn: You two are sick and twisted!!!!!!!!

Dan: EAT ME!!!!!!

[As Dan and Maddog continue to do their crazy dancing, Daria crosses her arms and wears a maniac smile on her face standing between the guys. Maddog does an "X" chop up in the air while Quinn runs out of the building covering her face as the crowd laugh and throw rolls of toilet paper at her.]

ACT V.

Scene 1:

[A couple of hours have passed. A folding table is set up in the middle of the stage with Dan, Maddog, Daria, and Jane playing a few rounds of poker. The crowd is dancing and moshing to the music of Mystik Spyral with Fred playing up there with his guitar.]

Dan: Oh baby!! Never have been there ever a party like this in the entire history of not only Delta House but Haven as well.

Jane: Man...I thought this was all going to be some kegger but you guys have transformed partying into an art form.

Maddog: So did ya have fun "D"?

Daria: Fun!? I had my house vandalized, my sister screaming for my blood, an entire football team after my hide, my mind totally screwed up by you two whackos, an obnoxious jerk made my lose all three square meals, and a psychotic beauty queen nearly beat my head into a squishy pulp. And you asked me if I had any "fun"??

Maddog: Well yeah! I mean, you just described a typical day in Haven University.

Daria: Oh well, at least my sister and the most of the idiots from my school got theirs... Wasn't a total lost.

Dan: That's cool.

Daria: I'll never forget this day in my entire life. It'll take twenty years of therapy to help me cope with the repression of the memory.

Jane: Told you she liked it!

Maddog: So where's Ryan?

Dan: Oh he and Chad are outside fighting each other.

Maddog: Ok...

Jane: I'll hand it to you two, you really know how to blow the roof off!

Dan: That one time, we literary did.

Daria: Pretty cleaver of you to pull this off, even with all the unexpected surprises.

Maddog: Actually, we take into account all the expected things... even if we don't know what they are until it happens.

Daria: Impressive. Lets see, you infiltrated a prom and turned it into a wild party.

Maddog: Check.

Daria: You kept AZT at bay when they were waiting to ambush you...

Maddog: Check.

Daria: Had the scramble band hold off the campus cops.

Maddog: Fred's idea...

Daria: And even took care of the football team at the very last minute.

Maddog: Nothing a smart business man would be able to act quickly upon.

Daria: Yep, you took care of everything. Except perhaps Tammy.

Dan: Well we knew she would be there and wouldn't be too "thrilled" at our antics.

Daria: She's a real screwed up broad who's totally unpredictable. Many bad high school experiences will do that to a person.

Maddog: True...

Daria: I don't think anyone can get to her...except of course someone 'else' who's nearly screwed up by high school only, only not completely a nut case.

Maddog: You don't say?

Daria: You had your boys search for the band, but you could have came back anytime because of the ruckus over the radio. But it was after when AZT came on stage and not when Tammy did. The timing is uncanny.

Maddog: There's also things like travel distance and getting through crowds and...

Daria: And you pulled off the ultimate mind game on the Kookie Queen. Hold off a high school misfit with "another" high school misfit who not only is brainy but also sensible enough to see through her and deflate her ego.

Jane: What??

Dan: Huh?

Daria: Pretty clever plan Mr. Maddog...

Maddog: Boy, nothing ever gets by you "D".

Jane: So that's why you invited us!?

Maddog: Well...to tell the full story after getting to know Daria for a while and how she thinks, I became very impressed with her style. And we really wanted you girls to come as a way of thank you for a good time in Lawndale.

Daria: Out of the whole day, that's the second time you called me by my real name.

Maddog: Then I'll try not to wear it out then...

Dan: Even I would have never thought of that.

Maddog: Since we did help her ruin her sister's party, having her help us with our problem makes us fair and even.

Daria: Like I said...impressive.

Jane: Hey, this has been bothering me for a while... How come you call your fraterinity "Delta Pi Muta" when you have the Greek letters, "Delta Pi Mu"?

Dan: Long story...we'll tell you when your twenty-one.

[Minty comes up to them looking very depressed.]

Minty: Well...you guys did it to me again.

Dan: Hey Big M! You enjoy Black Friday?

Minty: Oh yes! And so did the Dean who heard about it on the radio. I told him I'm getting the situation under control, and he said don't bother...I may as well stop being acting Dean since it made no difference if I was in charge or if there were total anarchy.

Maddog: Did you like how Ryan chased off the Homecoming Queen?

Minty: Sure...along with Chad driving his pickup right inside the building.

Dan: You really look like you can use some rest Minty.

Minty: I suppose, I'll just go back with my wife's brownies and forget the whole day ever happened. I've been always doing that since I came to Haven. Oh, and one more thing...

Maddog: Yeah?

Minty: One of these days, I will catch you when you drop your guard. And when I do...you idiots will be expelled from Haven!!!

[Minty walks away with a very angry red face.]

Dan: Oh he always says that...

Jane: Wow!! It's nearly midnight.

Dan: You got curfew?

Jane: Umm...course not, what was I thinking.

Daria: It's getting late and we really should get back to Lawndale.

Dan: You sure you want to head on out with all the crazies running loose outside? Tell you what... I talk to Melody about putting you guys up in Beta House while the band can stay at our place. And tomorrow, you all can take a leisure tour around Haven.

Jane: Sounds good...

Dan: I guess we better wrap it up Maddog. Lets move this party to our house, at least we can crash there for the night.

Maddog: Ok, let's tell them over the radio. It's nice to have someone as a DJ who can cover for us while we play poker.

[Dan and Maddog get up from the table and go over to the booth.]

Jane: So you do you think about those guys?

Daria: I think they should be in a mental institution instead of an academic one.

Jane: Oh come on, they maybe a little loopy but they're quite nice to know.

Daria: I suppose you're right.

Dan: ...and that's all for the night.

[Dan and Maddog get up from the booth and walk towards the back of the stage area. The DJ who's a Delta brother took off to enjoy himself.]

Daria: I'll admit that they helped us and...WHAT THE!?!?!!?

[Dan and Maddog turn around half way and charged the booth at ramming speed and pushed it off the stage! It came tumbling off smashing into many pieces in a space where no one was at. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Dan picks up a mike from the floor.]

Dan: And that concludes our broadcasting!

[He spikes the mike on the floor and the two maniacs jump off the stage and go right through the crowd who are patting their backs and high fiveing them. Dan and Maddog are having the time of their lives.]

Jane: Unreal!!

Daria: He's right, they don't care about being popular. They want outright notoriety...

[Dan and Maddog run out of the building with a group of students chasing after them in excitement.]

Scene 2:

[Saturday night around 10 o'clock in Lawndale. A black van, known as the Tank, pulls up in front of the Morgendorffer house. Daria and Jane get out.]

Daria: Thanks for the ride guys.

Trent: Hey! No problemo Daria.

Daria: Sure...

Jane: I'm going to go in with her than I'll walk back later.

Trent: Yeah, see ya Janey.

[Trent drives off and the two girls look at the house standing before them.]

Jane: Whoa! The whole place looks like it's back to normal, like nothing ever happened yesterday.

Daria: Maybe we'll get lucky and this whole experience is nothing but a bad dream.

Jane: Man, I can use a drink...

[The go inside and everywhere they look, the place looks spotless.]

Daria: Mom never cleaned the house like this. Jane, call the cops! We got a French maid who broke in here.

Jane: Hey look, it's Cinderella...without the glass slippers!

[Quinn drags her feet in the living room looking very exhausted.]

Quinn: Oh, it's you... Where have you been all day?

Daria: We spent the whole day sleeping off our mental hangovers, and you?

Quinn: I spent the whole freaking day cleaning this house in case you hadn't noticed!!! That stupid guy didn't get me back here until two in the morning and I had only a couple hours of sleep just so Mom and Dad won't kill me when they get back tomorrow! I just got finished with the bathroom. Took me three hours just to get every single roll of toilet paper and paper towels out of the commode!

Jane: Any one pitched in?

Quinn: Of course they hadn't!! Those back stabbers from the Fashion Club failed to tell me that they were going up to the mall on Saturday because of my party. I wasted all those tickets and money...and for what!? No one ever lifted a finger to help!

Daria: You just weren't meant to go back to the Mall Of the Millennium, or be President of the United States I hope.

Quinn: Go ahead...gloat at my broken body and spirit. You utterly ruined my life in a single blow. I hope everyone in school have short memories.

Jane: Test scores confirmed they do.

Quinn: I am finished with this house, and I'm going spend what little is left of this whole rotten stinking day to watch some TV.

Daria: Actually Quinn, it's past ten o'clock and your curfew. So you're going to bed right now.

Quinn: What!? I spent the whole day cleaning! Just who do you think you are anyway?

Daria: I'm the eldest child who happens to be in charge when the parents aren't here. And Mom will really be interested to know how you spent your weekend.

Jane: Would you want her to bring those Delta Guys back here for your next party?

Quinn: NO!!!!

Daria: And don't forget to say your prayers, including the one about if you hould die before you wake.

Quinn: Fine!! Just remember...one of these days I get back at you. You're gonna slip up and that's when I'll nail ya!

[Quinn huffs and goes up the stairs.]

Daria: Oh Quinn...

[Quinn stops halfway up the stairs.]

Quinn: WHAT!?!?

Daria: Eat me....

THE END