Disclaimer: Daria and associated characters are owned by MTV. This is fan fiction written for entertainment only. No money or other negotiable currency or goods have been exchanged.
This story occurs during the summer after Is It College Yet? and was written in response to Brother Grimace's "Morgendorffer Temptresses" Iron Chef challenge.
The New View
(Exterior of the DeWitt-Clinton home, early morning. Leslie and Grant are in the corn field, inspecting the young plants for insects)
Leslie: It's going to be strange, not having Ted to help with the harvest this year.
Grant: We only planted for the two of us, so it won't be that bad.
Leslie: Grant, I mean that I'm going to miss our baby.
Grant: I'm going to miss him, too. We've hardly had a chance to use the new compost bin we built.
(Leslie steps over to her husband and puts one arm around his waist while resting her head on his shoulder)
Leslie: I didn't know if we could do it, but we did. Despite all the temptations, from that horrible Morgendorffer girl to those video game boys, we raised a child to a higher standard.
Grant: You're right. Ted's such a good kid. I feel secure about him going off to college.
(Exterior of Morgendorffer home. Cut to the kitchen, where Helen and Jake are seated at the table. Jake is reading the paper and Helen is drinking coffee)
Helen: Once, just once, I'd hoped not to have to do this.
Helen: They've missed breakfast and I doubt if they're even aware that it's morning.
Helen: I was hoping that Quinn would keep her job at Governor's Park. Save me the trouble of finding something for her do this summer.
Helen: And Daria. I know she's bound and determined to spend the summer lounging around and claim that it'll be her last chance to do so.
Helen: They are not going to get away with it!
(Helen storms upstairs. Jake lowers the paper and smiles)
(Helen enters Quinn's room and faces the bed)
(She steps up to the bed and sees that it's empty)
Helen: Oh. I guess she slipped out early. That means I only have Daria to deal with for now.
(Helen goes to Daria's room, enters and pulls the curtains back. Daria's bed is also empty)
(Helen returns to the kitchen, where Jake is still reading the paper)
Helen: Jake, did you know that the girls had already left today?
(Jake points to the Arts section of the paper, folded on the table and clearly already read)
Helen: What about Quinn?
(Jake points to a copy of Waif on the counter, next to a box of cereal)
Helen (annoyed): You didn't think to mention anything?
(Helen steps up to Jake, ready to deliver a withering verbal assault. Suddenly, she halts and a smile forms on her face)
Helen: You realize that this means they'll probably be gone most of the day?
(Jake lowers the paper and wiggles his eyebrows)
(Exterior of the Lawndale Employment Office. It is an older, institutional style government building in downtown Lawndale with a sign in the window that says, "Summer Jobs Available Now!" Inside, the building is just as drab and institutional with furniture from the 70s. Daria and Quinn are standing at computer monitors, looking at job openings)
Quinn: But, how am I going to tell everyone I have a summer job?
Daria: You'll think of something; unless you want to tell them that you're volunteering at It's Okay to Cry Corral with Mr. O'Neill.
Quinn: Bite your tongue, Daria.
Daria: Or if you're lucky…Mom could find something even more embarrassing.
(Quinn goes back to studying the job openings)
Quinn: Too bad Cashman's doesn't have anything. An employee discount would be nice.
Daria: JJ Jeeter's has an opening.
Quinn: Eww. Only if it's that, or Mom's choice, okay?
(Montage of Daria and Quinn looking through jobs and getting frustrated, interspersed with shots of the Morgendorffer house, with Jake and Helen's shadows visible in the windows as they chase each other around the house)
Quinn: How long is Jane going to be gone?
Daria: About four weeks, or until the Tank breaks down. (She pauses to read a job description) This might work; assistant lifeguard at the Lawndale children's pool.
Quinn: You don't even like kids.
Daria: I learned to live with them last summer.
Quinn: You have to wear a swimsuit.
Daria: I can wear my regular clothes to and from work. Once there, mostly only the kids will see me.
Quinn: You don't know anything about being a lifeguard.
Daria: The ad says they'll train. Come on, they hired Kevin and Brittany last summer; how hard can it be?
Quinn: But think of the heat.
Daria: An insulated jug of cool water will take care of that.
Daria: SPF 50. What I want to do this summer is sit on my ass and read. Looks like I'll be able to do a lot of that as a lifeguard. Not a perfect solution, but it's better than anything Mom will come up with, or anything else I've been able to find.
Quinn: Good point. Do they have two openings?
(Lawndale Public Pool. Daria and Quinn stand outside the administrative office)
Daria: That was fast.
Daria: Hired on the spot. They really wanted somebody to fill the positions.
Quinn: And we start tomorrow. Uh-oh, we need to pick up new swimsuits.
Daria: We have swimsuits. You have a couple dozen.
Quinn: You've had yours since we went to Camp Grizzly.
Quinn: Um…you've grown a bit since then.
Daria (sighs): It probably would be a bit tight.
Quinn: Come on. I'll help.
Daria: Why don't we just go home for now and we can go out separately later.
Quinn: Don't you think Mom and Dad have noticed we're gone by now? Do you really want to risk getting home and finding them…ewww. (Shudders)
(Dewitt-Clinton living room. Leslie and Grant are seated on the sofa, reading and listening to baroque music on the phonograph, when Ted enters)
Ted: Mom, Dad, I have good news.
Ted: I know you were a little worried about me looking for a job, but I found something I think you'll approve of.
Leslie: Go ahead, dear.
Ted: I'll be a lifeguard at the children's swimming pool. I know chlorine is bad, but it's the only place the children can swim, since the lakes have bacteria.
Leslie: Perhaps we can get them to use spring water instead.
Ted: Great idea!
Grant: Watching over and making sure children are safe. We're proud, son.
Leslie: When do you start?
(Inside a department store. Quinn is waiting outside a fitting room. Daria exits, holding a dark green, foliage print one-piece swimsuit)
Daria: It fits. The neckline's lower than I like, but all the others I tried on seemed to be cut to fit Brittany. I haven't grown that much.
Quinn (laughs): No, you haven't.
Daria: I'm mildly surprised you're not trying to get me into something more revealing.
Quinn: God, Daria! We're going to be around a bunch of kids. Do you want them to notice us that way?
Daria: I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.
(Morgendorffer living room. Jake and Helen are sitting on a sofa and very relaxed when Daria and Quinn enter)
Helen: Where have you two been?
Daria: Didn't you see the note?
Helen: What note?
Daria: The one I left on the fridge. Right beside Dad's latest parking ticket.
Helen: How do you expect me to find anything there?
(Quick cut to the refrigerator door, showing it to be covered with a chaotic mass of papers, notes, tickets, coupons and who knows what else)
Daria: Anyway, we went job hunting.
Helen: Uh-huh. Looks more like you went shopping.
Jake (suddenly alert): Daria went shopping…with Quinn?
Helen: So they claim.
Jake: Helen! We need to look for pods!
Helen: Jake, calm down and let me handle this.
Jake: Okay, but I'm not taking my eyes off those pod people.
Helen (suspicious): What's really going on?
Quinn: We're going to be lifeguards, so we needed new swimsuits.
Daria: We start tomorrow. I'll be blunt; it was find something ourselves or allow you to find something for us. After last year, I was not going to allow that to happen again.
Helen: I can believe that part. But lifeguards? Do you really expect me to believe that?
(Daria takes swimsuit from bag)
Daria: Can you think of any other reason I'd buy this?
Helen: If this is a trick…
(Dressing room of Lawndale Pool. Daria is wearing the new suit, the neck is low enough to show some cleavage and it fits very well, showing a slightly fuller figure than seen in "Quinn the Brain". She is at a sink, putting in a contact lens. Quinn, wearing a blue and white 2-piece suit that's not too revealing, enters and is surprised. When Daria finishes the job, Quinn steps right in front of Daria and stares at her eyes)
Quinn: Maybe Dad was right. What have you done with my sister?
Daria: I buried her in a horrible bridesmaid dress.
Quinn: I thought you said you'd never be seen wearing those again.
Daria: Neither did I, but I realized last night that if I actually have to go into the water, I can't wear my glasses. If I take my glasses off, I can't see well enough to find anyone. Therefore, contacts. I picked up fresh solutions and I'll be more careful about irritation. Besides, who's going to see me here?
(The head lifeguard enters. She is the same one that supervised Kevin and Brittany the year before)
Head Lifeguard: Are you ready?
(Daria places her glasses inside her contact lens case alongside the solution bottle and closes it)
Head Lifeguard: Follow me, please. This year, we were funded for three assistants; he'll join your training session.
Quinn: Is he cute?
Head Lifeguard: I suppose. Look, I had to fire two assistants last year for making out in front of the kids. I don't want anything like that happening again.
Quinn: Eww! In public?
Head Lifeguard: My thoughts, exactly.
(They walk to the poolside, where Ted is waiting, facing away. Hearing footsteps, he turns. From Ted's position, the view starts at Daria and Quinn's feet and moves slowly upward)
Head Lifeguard: Ah, you know each other; good. Now, if we're ready to get started, grab some seats and I'll go over the basics.
(Ted stands still while Daria and Quinn sit down on nearby chairs. The head lifeguard waves her hand at him)
Head Lifeguard: Ted? This way.
Ted (shakes his head): Oh, sorry. Be right there.
(Dressing room. Daria and Quinn have changed back to street clothes. Daria has her glasses back on and is tying her boots)
Daria: Boy, did Ted seem out of it today.
Quinn: You've got that right. He couldn't keep his eyes off of us. How does it feel?
Daria: How does what feel? (She realizes what Quinn meant) No.
Quinn: Oh, yes.
Daria: Well, you have that effect on guys.
Quinn: Daria! He was watching both of us.
Daria: Come on.
Quinn: Trust me on this; I know what I'm talking about.
(Daria buries her face in her hands)
(Split screen between Daria in her room and Jane at a truck stop payphone)
Jane: Thanks for letting me call collect.
Daria: No problem. May I assume that Mystik Spiral isn't rolling in dough yet?
Jane: One of the gigs wanted to pay them in day-old bread, does that count?
Daria: Probably as close as they'll ever get.
Jane: So, what's up in Morgendorfferland?
Daria: I got a job to avoid Mom finding me something to do this summer.
Jane: You're not a peanut pusher again, are you?
Daria: No. You'll find this hard to believe, but I'm a lifeguard at the kiddie pool. So's Quinn.
Jane: Damn. I leave town and things go to Hell in a hand basket.
Daria: Ted DeWitt-Clinton is also working there. He, uh, seems to have developed a fascination with us. A definite…physical…fascination.
Jane: Awww, our little Ted's discovered that girls are different. So, are you gonna jump him in a crazy, rebound romance after ditching Tom?
Daria: When are you going to get your mind out of the gutter?
Jane: Why? It's cheap, friendly, and the view is terrific.
Daria (groans): Why would he suddenly notice now? The one time we went out, he totally forgot that I existed.
Jane: You're a lifeguard wearing a swimsuit?
Jane: Does the term "deer caught in the headlights" ring a bell?
(DeWitt-Clinton kitchen. The table and chairs are made of plain wood, much like the sofa. Unadorned plates and utensils are used as the family eats dinner. Ted is still distracted and has a far-away look in his eyes)
Leslie: What did they say about using spring water in the pools?
(Ted doesn't notice. He continues to mechanically eat while staring off into space)
Ted (startled): What?
Leslie: What did they say about using spring water in the pool?
Ted: Sorry, Mom. I forgot to ask.
Leslie: Are you okay? Did you inhale too much chlorine?
Ted: Um, no, Mom.
Grant: Then what has you so distracted?
Ted: Daria and Quinn.
Ted: The other two lifeguards, Daria Morgendorffer and her sister, Quinn. They sure are pretty.
(Grant reaches across the table to steady his wife)
Leslie: It's bad enough that Morgendorffer tramp tried to corrupt our Ted once. Now she's trying again…with backup!
Ted: What's a tramp?
(Lawndale Pool dressing room. Daria and Quinn are in their swimsuits. Daria is putting on sunscreen while Quinn is combing her hair)
Quinn: Ted was kind of cool for a while, but then, he only wanted to play that virtuous reality game and take pictures. Oh, and hit everyone up for gum. It got old.
Daria: So that's why he faded into the woodwork. It's still a little unnerving, the way he watches.
Quinn: He's admiring. Look, Ted hasn't lifted a finger or made a single rude comment.
Daria: If he starts acting like Upchuck, he's dead.
Quinn: I don't think he will, but he'll probably try to ask you out, if he can find his voice.
Daria: Or you.
Quinn: He looks at me, he's fascinated with you.
Daria: Well, the last time we went out, he became fascinated with virtual reality games.
Quinn: Daria, I don't think that'll happen again.
Daria: Like he'll have the chance.
(A Lawndale street. Leslie and Grant ride plain bicycles with large baskets on the handlebars and as saddlebags. They stop outside of the Lawndale pool and watch. Ted is seated on the elevated lifeguard's chair and Quinn is on a lounge chair. Ted's attention is mostly on Quinn until Daria exits the dressing room. His attention is completely held on her as she walks past Quinn and sits in an upright chair)
Leslie: They're horrible. Look at them, parading around like that. How can an innocent boy like Ted cope?
(Grant continues to watch)
Leslie: Grant? (She turns and notices him staring. Angry, she slaps his arm)
Grant: Oh! Yes, dear?
Leslie: We have to do something about those two! They're a menace!
Grant: Yes, yes, a menace.
(They park their bicycles near the changing rooms and seek out the head lifeguard, who is at the main pool)
Leslie: Are you in charge around here?
Head Lifeguard: Yes, I am.
Leslie: You need to do something about those two…those two hussies over at the children's pool.
Head Lifeguard: Ma'am?
Grant: The two Morgendorffer girls.
Head Lifeguard: What's wrong? Granted, I'm not entirely comfortable with how much Daria reads, but she seems to still be able to pay attention.
Leslie: Look at what they're doing to our son!
Head Lifeguard: Are you Ted's parents?
Grant and Leslie: Yes.
Head Lifeguard: Then you better talk to him. If he doesn't learn to keep more of an eye on the pool and less on Daria and Quinn, he's going to be out of a job.
Leslie: See? That's exactly what I mean. Those trollops are too much for him.
Head Lifeguard: If that's too much, heaven help him if somebody walks by in a string bikini.
Grant: You don't allow those, do you?
Head Lifeguard: As long as they cover everything that they need to, yes we do.
(Grant and Leslie gasp in shock)
Head Lifeguard: I don't know what rock you crawled out from under, but you need to teach that boy that there are pretty girls out there in the world and how to behave around them. As for doing anything about Daria and Quinn, forget it.
(Morgendorffer living room. Jake and Helen are on the sofas. Jake is watching a baseball game and Helen is searching for something in her briefcase while talking on the cell phone)
Helen: Eric, I know it's here, just give me a second.
Jake: Strike? Look at how far that catcher had to reach!
(The doorbell rings)
Helen: Jake, can you get that?
Jake: Another strike?
(Helen shakes her head and goes to the door)
Helen: Just a moment, Eric. Somebody's at the door. No, I don't know who, I haven't gotten to it yet. Look, I'll call you back in a little bit, bye.
(Helen turns the phone off and answers the door. Leslie and Grant are waiting outside)
Helen: Uh…Leslie…Grant, what a surprise. I understand our children are working together.
(Leslie and Grant enter)
Grant: That's why we're here.
Helen: Is there a problem? The girls haven't mentioned anything.
Leslie: We told you before that we're trying to raise our son away from the empty pleasures of modern life.
Helen: Did they give him some gum again?
Grant: They're trying to seduce him.
(Jake looks up)
Jake: Hey, wanna catch the last couple innings of the game?
Leslie: We want you to call your daughters off. Ted can't think of anything except them. He's not used to having so much sexuality flaunted in front of him.
Helen (stern): Don't blame my daughters just because your son finally discovered hormones! But if he lays one finger on either of them without their permission, he's going to regret ever having them.
Leslie: Your daughters are the ones strutting around in those skintight…
Helen: Swimsuits? They're lifeguards. What do you expect them to wear, something from the 1890s?
Grant: That would be far more proper.
Jake: Are you calling Daria and Quinn improper?
Jake: I'm going to make them…
(Helen holds Jake back)
Helen: You two better go.
(Daria and Quinn are at the top of the stairs, watching)
Daria: After his parents' rant at work and now this, I feel sorry for Ted.
Quinn: I know, and I thought Mom and Dad were weird.
Daria: I wish we could do something for Ted.
Quinn: We can't help with his folks, but all Ted needs is a little self-confidence with girls.
Daria: Calling Dr. Quinn.
Quinn (smirks): No, calling Dr. Daria.
(Children's pool. Ted is at the raised lifeguard chair with his attention on everything and anything but Daria and Quinn, who are standing near one end of the pool)
Daria: Between his parents and the boss, he's terrified to even look near us.
Quinn: This is your moment.
Daria: I still think…
Daria (sighs): Okay, let's do it.
(They walk over to the lifeguard chair, Ted stares at the children in the pool)
Daria: Ted. Ted. (She taps his leg and he jumps) Ted.
Ted: Oh! Yes?
Daria: Can I talk to you? Quinn will take over here.
Daria: Talk, as in verbal communication.
Ted: I, uh…Mom and Dad said I should stay away from you, and the boss said I needed to pay more attention to the children.
Daria: Ted, you're not watching the kids, you're just trying not to watch us. Follow me, I want to help.
Quinn: Yes, help. (She pulls on Ted's hand to get him out of the chair and takes his place) I've got it here.
Daria: Over here.
(Daria leads Ted around the corner of the dressing room building. When they stop, Ted's eyes are focused on Daria's breasts. She puts her hand under Ted's chin and raises it up so he's looking at her face)
Daria: Ted, stop staring at them.
Ted (embarrassed): What? Oh, oh my, I'm sorry, Daria. I just…you're just…I…
Daria: Ted, you saw the cheerleaders at school, so you know girls are shaped differently. What's going on?
(Ted falls back against a wall and looks up)
Ted: It's…uh…shoot. Daria, I owe you an apology. I started playing that game and forgot all about you.
Daria: What? Are you talking about our date?
Ted: Yes. I was too embarrassed to say anything before.
Daria: So now you decide to gawk at my sister and me like we're sides of beef?
Ted: I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd ever see you again after graduation and then, wow. You're so pretty…I, I knew I messed up before and I didn't know what to say.
Daria (surprised and flattered): Oh.
Ted: Daria, you're still amazing. (He looks down at his feet) I'm really sorry about that date. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
(Cut to the pool, where Grant and Leslie charge past Quinn toward Daria and Ted)
Quinn: I wouldn't…
(Cut back to Daria and Ted)
Daria: Just…stop the staring. After all, I basically looked like this before and I'm still the same person.
Ted: Everything I said about you before is true. You're still remarkable.
Daria: And you're still rather sweet.
Ted: Can we try another date? And, I promise, no games.
(Daria kisses Ted on the cheek)
Daria: I'd say you're off to a good start.
(Behind them, Leslie shrieks and faints, falling onto a chair while Grant looks on, dumbfounded)
Daria: A very good start.
Thanks to Kristen Bealer, Ipswichfan and Mr. Orange for beta reading.