DEATH BE NOT STACY A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story set in the "Real" "Daria"-verse (as opposed to my "Daria: The OAV's" Universe) by Peter W. Guerin (The Official O'Neill/Barch 'Shipper of the 2002 Winter Olympics) ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for the time setting, it could conceivably be set in the early part of the fifth season of "Daria". All "Daria" characters are © 1993, 1997, 2001 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All rights reserved. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endnotes in this document appear in parenthetical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriate endnote at the "Endnotes" section of this document. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DEDICATION ================================================================ This story is respectfully dedicated to Yui Daoren, whose own story "The Emancipation of Stacy Rowe" served as inspiration for this story, and who was the subject of his own false rumors of his demise. At least he's now alive so I have to fulfill that dare he made to me to dress up like Sailor Moon! :-) "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." --Samuel Longhorn Clemons, alias Mark Twain, upon hearing the news that a London newspaper had erroneously reported him as dead. ================================================================ ACT 1 ================================================================ (We see the usual "Daria" opening sequence as Splendora's "You're Standing on My Neck" plays. After Daria's face zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, we see the caption "'Daria' in: 'Death Be Not Stacy'" in the usual black "Daria" script on a pink background .) ================================================================ Scene 1: The bedroom of Stacy Rowe at the Rowe residence, 1767 Southview Drive, Lawndale, 7:00 AM Monday. ================================================================ (We see Stacy Rowe here, asleep. She's wearing a white T-shirt with a picture of a sleeping kitten and gray sweatpants as sleepwear. She seems to be tossing and turning, as in the throes of a nightmare. There's a knock at the door.) Stacy: (Shoots up awake and tumbles out of bed.) I'm coming! (She opens the door to see her father, a man with brown hair and a mustache, and wearing a white collared shirt, black tie and black pants, standing there with a garbage bag in his hand.) EEP! I'll improve my grades, Dad, I promise! Mr. Rowe: Stacy, you're half-asleep. It's that nightmare again, isn't it? Stacy: (Now blinking awake.) Uh, Dad? Oh, my God! I embarrassed myself again! (She begins to hyperventilate.) Mr. Rowe: Yep, it was that nightmare again where she thinks I'm going to throw out everything of hers because she had bad grades. (1) Stacy, remember I told you the painters were going to be here today to paint your room? I was just going to ask you to put your stuffed horses in this bag so I can put them up in the attic for the time being. You did put your magazines in those boxes last night as well so I can take them up to the attic with the horses, right? Stacy: (Beginning to calm down.) Yes, Dad. They're right there. (Pointing to a corner of her room, with some cardboard boxes with back issues of "Waif" and "Style" magazines in them.) Mr. Rowe: OK, that's all I needed to know. By the way, ever since that Ted kid has been tutoring you since the start of the school year, you've been doing pretty well for yourself. Stacy: Well, I guess I did kind of get a surprise awakening from that David kid Quinn had for a tutor. OK, so Ted's a bit gawky but he's popular, even if his parents are way off-base. Mr. Rowe: Well, anyone who grows corn in their front yard is a bit weird, I'll admit. Just put the horses in the bag and then have breakfast. Mom's making blueberry pancakes. It's your favorite, remember? (Now lets out a goofy smile to show he cares.) Stacy: (Giggling a bit.) OK, I'll be there in a few minutes. Mr. Rowe: Great. See you there. (Mutters to himself as he leaves.) She's a fine daughter but she does tend to be more high-strung than a cat. I wonder where she gets it from? ================================================================ Scene 2: The Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 7:15 AM Monday. Background music: The opening guitars riffs from "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns 'N' Roses. ================================================================ (We see the Morgendorffers here, sitting at the table having breakfast. Jake as usual is reading the paper while Helen's chatting on the phone with Eric Schreter. The breakfast is bacon and eggs.) Helen: Of course I have the briefs ready for today's case, Eric. I spent the whole weekend preparing them. Jake: (Noticing something in the paper.) Dammit, it happened again! Daria: What now, Dad? Jake: Sgt. Snorkel beat the stuffing out of Beetle Bailey again. Why can't Beetle stand up for his rights against that bully? You know what's happening to him, don't you? (That famous scowl is creeping up on his face.) The same thing that happened to me at military school, where Dad just left me there AT THE MERCY OF RUTHLESS UPPERCLASSMEN WHO TREATED THE PLEBES LIKE DIRT!!!!! (Smashes his fist onto the table.) Daria: Dad, why not read something less stressful like "Close to Home"? (2) Jake: Say, that sounds like a good idea, kiddo! Quinn: Dad, why not read something less geeky like "Maxine"? Jake: Say, that sounds great as well, Quinn. Quinn: Thanks, Dad. (Daria rolls here eyes as we hear the front door bell ringing.) Daria: That sounds like Jane's here. See you guys later. (She gets up to go. Helen hangs up the phone, seemingly finished with her call with Eric.) Quinn: Mom, Dad, Daria, before you all go, can I ask you all something? Daria: If this is about what make-up goes best with what clothes, that's not my department. Quinn: No, this is more like something in your department, Daria. What would you guys do if you lost one of your friends? Helen: Now what makes you ask a question like that? Quinn: Well, I was just thinking about it because we kind of talked about it during the Fashion Club sleepover over at Sandi's place on Saturday night. Stacy has this hang-up that if she ever had one of her friends die she wouldn't know how to carry on with herself. Of course Sandi said that Stacy was just being a wuss as usual, but then Tiffany said-- Daria: And this is where I leave to face the insanity of the modern-day American educational system. (She goes to the door and opens it; we see Jane Lane there.) Jane: Yo! What took you so long, partner in crime? Daria: Just listen for yourself. (Jane does so as she puts a hand to her ear.) Quinn: (Continuing unabated off-camera.) --Well, then Sandi said she was strong enough to face whatever life threw at her, but then I said "What if you like had a major acne problem the night of your big date? How would you handle that?"-- Jane: And this is about--? Daria: How would she cope with losing a friend. Jane: As if you got into a romantic blood feud with your best friend when you think she was trying to steal your boyfriend to cover up the fact that things weren't working out between you and him in the first place and your friend seemed like a good scapegoat to blame your problems on? Daria: (A bit stung by that remark.) No, as in if the person died, I take it. Jane: OK, that's different. Let's take this out to the street. Daria: Roger. (She now leaves the house as we follow them down the street.) Jane: Believe you me, Daria, despite the events of the past few months, if anything ever happened to you, I'd feel it right here. (Jabs at her heart.) Daria: Even if something had happened to me while you were still at the artists' colony? Jane: Well, I think my little incident with Alison was incentive enough to get things fixed up with you. Let's just say that I'm glad things were indeed put to rights before either of us bought it. If either of us died before we had a chance to reconcile, I think the other would have felt terrible. Daria: Agreed. (We now see Trent drive by in his car.) Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria, how's it going? Jane: Yo! Daria: Hey, Trent. Jane: Of course, if things don't work out with you and Tom, Trent's still available. (Now she puts on her trademark evil smirk.) Daria: I'm giving you ten seconds for you to run for your life before I bury this fist inside your breadbasket, Lane. (Shows her fist to Jane.) Jane: You can't catch me, Morgendorffer. (She runs.) Daria: Dammit, I forgot how fast she can run. Trent: Need a lift to school, Daria? Daria: No thanks, Trent; I can see my own way. (She goes.) Trent: (Shrugs.) Suit yourself. (Drives off.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The hallways of Lawndale High School, 7:25 AM Monday. ================================================================ (We see Quinn and Stacy here with the rest of the Fashion Club, including Sandi Griffin and Tiffany Blum-Deckler.) Sandi: So, Stacy, what color are your parents going to paint your room? Stacy: Pastel blue. Sandi: Sounds perfect to me, Stacy. That color will go well with your wardrobe. Tiffany: Having your room painted to match your clothes is so fashionable. Quinn: Well, guys, do you think I should have my room repainted neon pink to match my wardrobe? Sandi: Well, normally neon pink would be a bit tacky, but you always been a bit different, haven't you, Quinn? I think neon pink would be pushing it a bit. Why not go for a more subtler shade of pink? Quinn: Well, just don't get any ideas on how to decorate my room from my sister--oops!--I mean my cousin. Sandi: That reminds me, Quinn, just who exactly was this "sister" of yours who answered the phone during the time your family was staying at the motel after your "uncle" accidentally set your house on fire? And why did she sound like the person you're always claiming to be your "cousin"? And are your "aunt" and "uncle" really your mother and father? My dad met them when we had that medieval fair here some time back. Quinn: (She's feeling the pressure now.) Uh, well, it's a bit complicated and all that, Sandi. Sandi: Even though I can't stand Sam and Chris, I don't go disowning them and saying that they're not my brothers. By the way, Quinn, they keep telling me they want to marry you someday. Quinn: (Repulsed by that remark.) EWW! Don't remind me of that, Sandi! That's gross! Sandi: Just as gross as giant eels are, Quinn? (3) Quinn: EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! Sandi, you're being real gross now! Sandi: (Going to her locker.) Like, maybe you'd like to kiss one instead of having to kiss my brothers! (She grabs a stuffed giant eel doll from out of her locker and shows it to Quinn. Quinn shrieks in horror and runs away. We now see Anthony DeMartino, the social studies teacher, approaching.) DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) While I don't WANT TO disturb you're little bit of FUN here, can you please ENLIGHTEN me as to what the HELL is going ON HERE?!?!?!?!?! Sandi: Mr. DeMartino, I was just pointing out to Quinn that there are worse things in life than having to put up with geeky siblings. DeMartino: OK, that EXPLAINS everything! (He goes. We now see star quarterback Kevin Thompson and head cheerleader Brittany Taylor approaching.) Kevin: Hey, everyone! Say, what's that you got there, Sandi? (Pointing to the giant eel doll.) Sandi: Like, that's supposed to be a stuffed giant eel doll. Kevin: Giant eels? Hey, Coach Gibson's got us eating those for lunch during our weekly drills. Its supposed to build up your stamina or something. Brittany: Well, you've got enough stamina to keep me satisfied, Kevvy! (She hugs her beau.) Kevin: Hey, speaking of which, my dad found a Japanese grocery that has giant eels. He made me a couple of giant eel sandwiches for my lunch today. (He produces one of them.) Tiffany: (In her subdued manner.) Eww. Kevin: In fact, I'm so hungry I think I'll eat one of them now. (He bites into it, and the Fashion Club members appear to be getting a bit green around the gills.) "Allez cuisine", babe! (4) Brittany: You go on and build up your stamina, Kevvy! We need you all charged up for the big game on Saturday! (Kevin and Brittany leave. Daria and Jane now approach. Jane notices the Fashion Club members.) Jane: What's with them, Daria? Daria: I don't even want to know. ================================================================ Scene 4: The classroom of English teacher Timothy O'Neill, LHS, 10:45 AM Monday. Background music: The opening flute notes from "Cross-Eyed Mary" by Jethro Tull. ================================================================ (We see O'Neill in front of the blackboard, while we see Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany and various other students sitting at desks.) O'Neill: So, you see, class, King Lear was ironically saved by the daughter he had disowned from the two other daughters who treated him so cruelly. However, in the end, even Cordelia can't save herself as she is hanged by the orders of her cruel sisters Regan and Goneril; thus poor King Lear dies of a broken heart while mourning over her corpse. (He notices Quinn raising her hand.) Quinn, did you want to ask something? Quinn: Well, it's about what happened earlier in the story. What gives with this Edgar guy going around stark raving naked and acting like he was nuts? That's no way to go around avenging having your brother take away your inheritance. O'Neill: Well, Quinn, people who had mental problems in Shakespeare's day weren't treated with as much compassion as they are today. Sandi: Oh, yeah, Mr. O'Neill, what about all those homeless people in downtown Lawndale who've been there for years since the old mental hospital shut down? How do you explain that? O'Neill: Well, you do seem to have a point there, Sandi. But that does explain how Edgar came up with the pseudonym he used while pretending to be insane: Tom O'Bedlam. The word "bedlam", which is synonymous with "chaos" and "insanity", is an abbreviation of "Bethlehem", and there was a hospital in London in Shakespeare's day called Bethlehem Hospital that housed the insane in his day. The hospital was often called "Bedlam Hospital", and the patients who went out and begged for their daily sustenance were called "Bedlam Beggars". Soon enough, the word "bedlam" was being used to describe insanity and chaos. (Quinn turns around to face Sandi.) Quinn: Well, Sandi, how did you know all that? Sandi: Well, Quinn, you're not the only one who's been improving yourself around here. Besides, some of those homeless nuts keep hustling my dad for money when he goes to the diner for lunch. Quinn: UGH! Well, shouldn't we do something for them at least? Sandi: Well, wouldn't that be something your "sister" would do, if that person who lives with you is really your sister, that is? Quinn: Uh, well, I don't know. . . Sandi: Case closed. O'Neill: Well, that was a rather interesting exchange, ladies, but instead of talking about it, we should do something about it. Perhaps the Fashion Club and other clubs and organizations in the area should have some kind of fund raiser to help get funds together to help the homeless in the area. In fact, I think I'll talk to Jodie about it next time I see her. (Bell rings.) OK, class, that's it for today. If you haven't finished reading the play by now, do so, and prepare for the big test on it for next class. See you then. (Notices Quinn and Sandi approaching the door.) Quinn, Sandi, could you wait a minute? Quinn: Sure, Mr. O'Neill. What's up? O'Neill: I really think you two should help spearhead this fundraising idea. You can be co-chairpersons of it. In fact, I've got monitoring duty at the cafeteria right now, and I know the both of you and Jodie have this upcoming period for lunch there. What do you say? Sandi: Gee, Mr. O'Neill, are you really serious about this? Quinn: Well, duh, Sandi, he wouldn't have asked us if he weren't. Sandi: And what do you mean by that remark, Quinn? Quinn: Uh, well, nothing really. Sandi: OK, Mr. O'Neill, we accept. Let's go over to Jodie and get some ideas together. O'Neill: Good for you, ladies! This is going to be the start of something great! (He leaves the room, with the girls behind him.) Sandi: (Low, to Quinn.) Great going, Quinn. You just talked us into helping geekier people than that loser "sister" of yours, her weirdo artist friend of hers and that strange boy she's been hanging out with. Quinn: (Stung that Sandi could cut Tom down like that.) Sandi, Tom seems to be a perfect match for Daria; even if he is a mixture of cute and nerd. Sandi: And what do you mean by that, Quinn? Quinn: Well, nothing, really. (Sandi growls a bit while making a slashing motion across her neck. Quinn squirms a bit.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The cafeteria at LHS, 11:30 PM Monday. ================================================================ (All the members of the Fashion Club are at their table, along with O'Neill and Student Government Vice President Jodie Landon.) Jodie: What I was thinking was that we hold something like a garage sale in the school gym this weekend. Every club and organization in the school would do things like get together personal items they don't need anymore or bake cookies and sell them to raise money to set up a special fund to help homeless people with mental disabilities. Stacy: Well, we could sell some of our clothes we don't have a need for anymore. . . Sandi: Stacy, if we did that, everyone in Lawndale would know we once had clothes like that, and we'd be made fun of. Jodie: Sandi, if you don't need clothes that don't fit you anymore, why let them sit in the closet gathering dust? They could be used to help clothe a homeless person who probably hasn't had a decent set of clothes for years. Sandi: Like, are you trying to overrule me, Jodie? Jodie: As a member of Student Government, Sandi, I can overrule decisions of the Fashion Club that are inconsistent with the policies that we set for school clubs here. (To Stacy.) That sounds like an excellent idea, Stacy. Stacy: (Wide-eyed.) Really? Jodie: In fact, maybe we should set up a clothes drop at the garage sale. Stacy: I can't believe it! An idea of mine is finally going to be put into action! (Sandi mutters darkly to herself.) Quinn: Congratulations, Stacy! (Stacy now has this big grin on her face. Cut to Daria and Jane, at a nearby table, who have been seeing all this.) Jane: I wonder what all that's about? Daria: Beats me, but it seems Sandi just had her buttons pushed, and this time it wasn't Quinn's doing. Jane: Methinks there's going to be a coup in the palace soon, milady? Daria: The day Quinn topples Sandi as president of the Fashion Club will be the same day Castro is overthrown in Cuba and the Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Jane: In other words, don't hold your breath. Daria: Right. Jane: Say, Daria, if this thing does go off--the garage sale, that is--why not take Tom with you? Daria: Odds are Ms. Li will make it one of those "mandatory-voluntary" things, and I don't want to subject Tom to that. Jane: Well, with Tom, at least it'll be optional. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: I hate you. Jane: I aim to please. (Pauses.) But really, Daria, why not go there? I bet Trent and Mystik Spiral could dig up some more old LPs they can sell over there. They can give them to me and I could donate them to the Marching Band for them to sell. At least that will cover my butt with Ms. Li. Daria: OK, but if Tom and I go, you have to go as well. Jane: And if I refuse? Daria: Then I will scratch your eyes out. Jane: OK, I can take a hint, Morgendorffer. ================================================================ Scene 6: Outside the Rowe residence, 3:15 PM Monday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. ================================================================ (We see Stacy running down the sidewalk, then up the path to her house. She enters, hyperventilating.) Stacy: (Between puffs of breath.) Mom! Dad! I'm home! I've got something exciting to tell you! Mrs. Rowe: We're in your room, honey! (Stacy now enters, and we see her parents, along with some painters, who are busy putting the pastel blue paint on the walls. Her mother is a woman with brown hair and wearing a white blouse and a brown skirt. All of her furniture has been removed, and there are newspapers scattered all around the floor.) Mr. Rowe: What do you think of it so far, pumpkin? Stacy: (Still trying to catch her breath.) It's wonderful, Dad. Mrs. Rowe: Stacy, are you all right? You're hyperventilating again. Stacy: Well, I ran all the way from school to tell you this. An idea I thought up is actually going to be used! Mr. Rowe: Really? Stacy: Really, Dad. Mr. O'Neill thought about holding a charity garage sale at school to benefit homeless mental patients, and I suggested that the Fashion Club sell off those clothes they don't need anymore. Mr. O'Neill and Jodie Landon thought it was a good idea, and they further thought up about setting up a clothes drop. (Her breath is getting a bit more labored.) Why am I having difficulty breathing all of a sudden? Mrs. Rowe: Your running all the way here has given you a bad case of hyperventilation, it seems. (Stacy now holds her hand to her forehead and leaves the room. She doesn't proceed a few steps until she collapses on the floor, gasping for breath.) Mr. Rowe: Stacy! Are you all right? (He and Mrs. Rowe run up to her. Mrs. Rowe takes a look at her.) Mrs. Rowe: It seems she's having an asthma attack. We'd better get her to the hospital. Mr. Rowe: I'll call her friend Tiffany and let her know what's going on. (He goes to the phone and dials Tiffany's number. Split screen so that we see Mr. Rowe on the left and Tiffany on the right.) Tiffany: (In the middle of a call.) You know, Sandi, we could easily write to the Department of Health in the state Quinn and her so-called "cousin" were born in and get their birth certificates and settle this matter once and for all. (A beep can be heard.) Excuse me, Sandi, but I've got another call. (She presses a couple of buttons.) Hello? Mr. Rowe: Tiffany? This is Stacy's dad. Tiffany: Hello, Mr. Rowe. What can I do for you? Mr. Rowe: We have to take Stacy to the hospital. She's having a severe case of hyperventilation. Tiffany: This isn't a joke, right? Mr. Rowe: No, I wish I were joking, but this is serious. Tiffany: I'll be over there as soon as possible. Stacy's the best secretary the Fashion Club's ever had. What am I saying? She's the only secretary the Fashion Club's ever had. Mr. Rowe: I'd better be going. See you at the hospital. (He hangs up, and we cut to Tiffany.) Tiffany: This isn't good, is it? What if Stacy. . .(Breaks off.) No, she's had hyperventilation this bad before. She can't possibly have a deadly case of it now. (Pauses.) I sure hope Stacy's not going to die. I mean, where can we find someone with her secretarial skills? ================================================================ Scene 7: An examination room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 3:55 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We see a doctor tending to Stacy, who's wearing a blue patient's smock and breathing some oxygen. The doctor is in his mid-20's with blonde hair and green eyes. Her parents are nearby.) Doctor: Well, you were lucky to have Stacy brought in when you did. She had an asthma attack. Mr. Rowe: She did? Doctor: Yes, she did. It seems that all that hyperventilating may have been a mild case she's had all her life. However, the fumes from that paint and paint thinner might have aggravated it. We're just going to run a few more tests, then we can recommend appropriate treatments. (Stacy removes the oxygen mask.) Stacy: Am I going to be all right, doctor? Doctor: You'll be fine, Stacy. (A nurse who looks like one of those stereotypical nurses you see on most medical shows, with brown hair, blue eyes and wearing a nurse's pantsuit, enters the room.) Nurse: We've got everything set up for the tests on Ms. Rowe, doctor. Doctor: Fine. Send her over to the respiratory disorders unit at once. Nurse: (To Stacy.) Right this way, miss. (Stacy and her parents follow her. An intern who's African-American now enters). Intern: You'd better take a look at these latest charts on Mrs. Johnson. (Cut to Tiffany, who's going to the examination room.) Tiffany: The nurse told me that Stacy was in here. (She pauses.) Doctor: (Off-camera, through the door.) This prognosis isn't good. I figure she's got about four days to a week, if she's lucky. Intern: I bet her folks aren't going to take this rather good. Doctor: Break it to them gently. (A look of shock appears on Tiffany's face.) Tiffany: Oh, no. It sounds like Stacy's going to die. I'd better call Sandi and tell her about this. (She takes out her cell phone and calls Sandi.) Hello, Sandi. This is Tiffany. I just heard that Stacy's condition isn't that great. You'd better convene an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club. (We now sees various scenes from Act 1 pop up in a purple shade including Sandi grossing out Quinn with her giant eel doll, Stacy collapsing on the floor, Mr. Rowe with the garbage bag and Daria and Jane on the sidewalk as we hear the opening guitar riffs from "Guerrilla Radio" from Rage Against the Machine play in the background and see the "Daria" logo drop into the lower right hand corner of the screen.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next, all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch", see New York State Governor George Pataki, New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and New York State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno duke it out in our Dome of Doom in order to settle the state's budget for next year! (We see Pataki, Silver and Bruno fighting in the Dome of Doom.) Silver: More money for welfare! (Punches Pataki in the nose.) Bruno: More money to help the Upstate economy! (Hits Pataki in the gut.) Pataki: Not a cent over my proposals, and that's it! (He clonks Silver's and Bruno's heads together.) Announcer: Also, see Homer Simpson take on Fry from "Futurama"! (We see Homer and Fry fighting.) Homer: I was in this business a full decade before you entered it! (Smacks Fry upside the head.) Fry: But I've got the cool 31st Century gadgets! (He takes a phaser and zaps Homer.) Homer: D'OH!!!!!!!!!! Announcer: Finally, it's the tag-team match you've all been waiting for, as all four Iron Chefs--Masaharu Morimoto, Hiroyuki Sakai, Chen Kenichi and Masuhiko Kobe--take on Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Julia Child and Graham Kerr. (We see the Iron Chefs facing their opponents.) Emeril: We're gonna kick you asses up another notch, baby! BAM! (He throws a knife at Morimoto, who deflects it with his own knife. We now cut to Takeshi Kaga, who's seeing this ringside.) Kaga: ALLEZ CUISINE!!!!!!!!!! (The Iron Chefs now take their knives and chop up their opponents into little pieces.) Announcer: That's all happening on the next, exciting, all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Catch it this Sunday night at 8:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 PM Central, only on MTV! (Another commercial. We see the "60 Minutes" stopwatch logo and hear that damn, incessant ticking noise.) Announcer: Coming April 10 on 60 Minutes II, it's Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party of New York. Hear what he has to say about taxes. (We see Schlitz in his usual Nazi SS uniform.) Schlitz: DUH! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! HEIL ME! (He stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) Announcer: Hear what he has to say about social programs. Schlitz: Welfare is just a piss-poor excuse to give MY hard-earned tax dollars to lazy minorities Downstate. HEIL ME! (He stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) Announcer: And hear what he thinks about race relations. Schlitz: New York City and Long Island are being overran with blacks and Hispanics. At least we here in Upstate New York keep them out. HEIL ME! (He stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) Announcer: Hear this and other fascist drivel as we interview Der Führer Brad Schlitz on "60 Minutes II", coming April 10 at 9:00 PM Eastern, 8:00 PM Central, only on CBS. ================================================================ ACT 2 ================================================================ Scene 1: Sandi Griffin's room at the Griffin residence, 227 Grundy Avenue, Lawndale, 5:30 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We see Quinn, Sandi and Tiffany all gathered here. It's apparent from the grim looks on their faces that this is a rather somber occasion.) Sandi: Like, I called this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club because Tiffany has just returned from the hospital with some dire news about Stacy. Quinn: Is she going to be all right? Tiffany: I overheard the doctor say that she's only got a week to live at best. Quinn: Oh, no! Are you sure about this, Tiffany? Tiffany: I'm pretty sure that's what I heard. Sandi: Well, we've got to do something about this. We're going to go to the hospital and see Stacy for ourselves. Quinn: Do you think that's a good idea, Sandi? She's probably been overwhelmed with the news. Sandi: At times like this, Quinn, the members of the Fashion Club have to stick together. We'd better be going. Tiffany: Yeah. ================================================================ Scene 2: The respiratory disorders unit at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 5:55 PM Monday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Bad Case of Loving You" by Robert Palmer. ================================================================ (We see a respiratory disorders specialist here along with the nurse from earlier. Stacy is sitting on an examination table with her parents alongside her.) Specialist: Well, Stacy, you're one lucky girl. We managed to catch this while we can still do something about it. (He gives some prescriptions to her father.) Here are some medications she should be taking, and I recommend some rest for her. Mr. Rowe: We know of a trailer park in Gasburg, Virginia, where we often spend part of the summer. (5) I think we'll go there and spend a week there. I'll let the school know about this. (To Stacy.) Don't worry, sweetheart, you're going to be better in no time. (Smiles.) Stacy: I know, Dad. Specialist: Well, I think you can go home now, Stacy. Try to take it easy for the next few days. Stacy: I will, Doctor. (The Rowes now get up and leave. The intern now returns, with a body-bag like bag.) Intern: Here's that "Heart Attack Annie" dummy you wanted to take with you for that CPR certification course you're going to be teaching at the Tri-County BOCES tonight. Specialist: Just leave it on the table there, thanks. (The intern does so. The specialist leaves, leaving the charts for Stacy on the counter.) I'd better get some coffee. (He leaves. We notice he's left the clipboard with Stacy's information on it. A few seconds go by, then we see Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany enter.) Tiffany: The nurse said that Stacy was in this room. I wonder where she is? Sandi: She has to be here somewhere. (She now sees the bag on the table.) Huh, what's that? Tiffany: That looks like one of those body bags they use for corpses. Icky. Quinn: Let's not jump to conclusions until we know what's going on here. (She now notices the clipboard.) Huh, what's this? (She looks at it real quickly.) Oh, no! Sandi: What is it, Quinn? Quinn: These are Stacy's medical records. They're not even complete. Tiffany: You're not saying that what's in there is. . . Sandi: I'm afraid it is, guys. (The tears begin to well up in her eyes.) Our beloved Stacy Rowe is gone. (She now begins to cry.) Quinn: Oh, no! (Begins to cry herself.) Stacy, we hardly knew you! (She and Sandi embrace, as does Tiffany. They cry for a bit.) Sandi: We'd better get out of here. I'll try to call her parents tomorrow and extend our condolences to her. (They leave with downcast looks on their faces. A few more seconds pass, then we see the specialist return.) Specialist: Darn it, I forgot to take this clipboard with me. (He takes that and the bag with the dummy with him.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence, 7:35 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We see the TV is on, and its tuned in to "Sick, Sad World". We see an elderly lady holding up a "butterfly ballot" up for scrutiny; then we cut to see that there's apparently an image of Jesus Christ on it.) SSW Announcer: Nevermind hanging, swinging, dimpled or pregnant chads, this lady says her "butterfly ballot" has an image of Jesus on it. Could it have helped Al Gore? The Shroud of Turin meets the Palm Beach County ballot controversy, next on "Sick, Sad World"! (We now cut to see Daria, along with her boyfriend, Tom Sloane, sitting on the couch, watching the show.) Daria: They're going to be milking this for what its worth all the way to the 2004 elections, aren't they? Tom: That is, if Bush's economic, budget and tax policies don't run us into the ground first. (Helen enters, but knowing her embarrassment over what she did in "The Story of D", approaches cautiously.) Daria: We know you're right behind us, Mom, so you can drop the stealth approach tactics now. Helen: (Weak, nervous laugh.) Well, Daria, I just didn't want to seem like I was butting in or anything. . . (But before she can finish her sentence, Quinn enters the house, crying.) Daria: Let me guess, her date dumped her. Quinn: Oh, Mom, Daria, Tom, this is terrible! Just terrible! (Helen gives Quinn a tissue.) Helen: There, there, Quinn. What happened? Quinn: Stacy died today. (Sobs some more.) Helen: Oh, dear! Is this true? (Daria seems to be about to shoot off a rejoinder, but Tom makes an indication that perhaps this is not the appropriate time to do so, and Daria backs off. Tom now gets up and goes to Quinn.) Tom: Quinn, I'm sorry if this is true. Helen: How did this all happen? Quinn: From what I can gather from Sandi and Tiffany, Stacy suffered an asthma attack triggered from the fumes of the paint they were using to repaint her room, and she went just like that. (Snaps her fingers.) Helen: Oh, dear. Perhaps I should call her parents and see if perhaps we have something for a possible lawsuit against the paint manufacturer. Quinn: (Shrieking.) MOOOOOOO-OOOOOMMMM!!!!! This isn't the time to be in an ambulance-chasing mood right now! (Really lets the waterworks go this time.) Helen: (Realizing the faux pas she's just committed.) Of course, how silly of me. (We now hear the doorbell ringing. Daria gets up to answer it. When she gets to the door, we see Jane here.) Jane: Yo! Daria: You may have arrived at a bad time. Jane: When has that ever stopped me? (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Point taken, but this is serious, I think. Quinn said that Stacy died. Jane: Funny, she seemed to be in good spirits when we saw her at lunch. Daria: It's always the quiet ones who do themselves in, I guess. (Pauses.) Unless there's something here that doesn't quite make sense. Jane: When its the Fashion Club, nothing ever makes sense. Daria: Methinks perhaps we should do some investigating of our own on this? Jane: Sure, if you don't mind being a masochist. ================================================================ Scene 4: Outside the Rowe residence, 7:00 AM Tuesday. Background music: The guitar intro to "Birth, School, Work, Death" by the Godfathers. ================================================================ (We see the Rowes' car loaded up and packed for a trip. Stacy and her parents are approaching it.) Mrs. Rowe: Believe you me, honey, a week's rest will do you wonders. Stacy: I know, Mom. But remember I got to send out that application to the Fashion Institute of Technology soon. After all, it's the best place to go if you want to be a fashion designer. Mr. Rowe: Don't worry, sweetheart, it'll all be taken care of. Mrs. Rowe: Harold, did you remember to call the painters and tell them we won't be here for a week? Mr. Rowe: I did, Irene. They'll be back to finish the job when we get back. Mrs. Rowe: Did you call the school and explain that Stacy will be out of town for a while? Mr. Rowe: Didn't have the time. I did write a quick note and I'll mail it off at the post office when we go. Mrs. Rowe: Sounds fine to me. (They now enter the car and drive off. A few seconds later, Daria and Jane, arrive. They're wearing their usual clothes with the exception of Daria wearing a gray sweatshirt and Jane a red sweatshirt like they did in "Fizz Ed". They go up to the door and ring the bell.) Jane: Hmmmm, no answer. Daria: That leaves us more questions than answers. (We hear a honk, and Daria and Jane turn around to see Tom at his car; apparently he gave them a lift here.) Tom: You'd better hurry up so I can drop you off at Lawndale High and I can get to Fielding Prep before we're all late for class. Daria: Time waits for no man, Jane. (They go to the car.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The cafeteria at LHS, 11:30 AM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Quinn, Sandi and Tiffany here, sitting at their usual table. However, their mood is subdued, and on their right arms are eggplant armbands with the initials "SR" in ecru.) Sandi: Ladies, we are gathered here to mourn for our late, departed, beloved secretary of the Fashion Club, Stacy Rowe. I admit now that Stacy could get on a person's nerves at times, but she was a true-blue friend when the chips were down. Quinn and Tiffany: Hear, hear. (We now see Angela Li, the principal, walk by. She notices the somber mood at the table.) Li: Ladies, why are you so subdued today? You should be bursting with pride for Laaaaawndale High! Sandi: Like, Ms. Li, Stacy is dead. Li: This is a joke, right? (The deafening silence seems to prove to her that it isn't.) OK, I can take a hint, people. What happened? Quinn: She suffered a fatal asthma attack from inhaling paint fumes when she entered her room while it was being repainted. Li: Oh, dear. That isn't good. I was wondering why I tried calling her parents today and didn't get a reply. Tiffany: This is the saddest day in the history of the Fashion Club, Ms. Li. Li: OK, we've got to do something appropriate. We'll have a brief memorial service later today, and we'll dedicate some of the proceeds from this weekend's garage sale to setting up a scholarship in her memory. Sandi: Like, that is so noble of you, Ms. Li. (She begins to cry. Li gives her a hug.) (Cut to Daria and Jane, who have been seeing this.) Jane: Funny, I didn't think Ms. Li had it in her. Daria: Crocodile tears, I take it. Jane: Yeah, she's probably trained to do something like that when the occasion calls for it. (Smirks evilly.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Lake Gaston Resort, Gasburg, Virginia, 1:45 PM Tuesday. Background music: The opening piano bars of "Indian Lake" by the Cowsills. ================================================================ (We see the Rowes' car pull up to the main office. A man with black hair steps out, followed by what appears to be his daughter, a 13-year old girl with long brown hair, wearing a pink T-shirt and blue jeans. Following her is a 1-year old female cat that's gray with black stripes and seems to be rather overweight. Mr. Rowe steps out of the car.) Man: Hello, Mr. Rowe, you're here early this year. Mr. Rowe: Well, we're here to have Stacy get some fresh air after that asthma attack she suffered. (Mrs. Rowe and Stacy now step out of the car themselves. The girl now approaches Stacy.) Stacy: Jenn! It's so good to see you again! (She now sees the cat approaching her. She picks her up and rubs her stomach.) Athena, you've been getting fat on me. Have you been eating birds again? Jenn: Well, 'Thena's been doing that a lot the past few months, then dragging what's left of the birds into the house. (Looks at Athena with a scowl on her face.) Bad 'Thena! Always trying to gross me out! (Athena hisses at Jenn.) Stacy: Don't listen to her, my little baby kitty kitty! (Athena now purrs as she rubs her stomach again.) Man: You want the usual trailer, Mr. Rowe? Mr. Rowe: Yeah, sure. ================================================================ Scene 7: The auditorium of LHS, 2:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Li here, on stage behind the podium.) Li: Students, we are gathered here to remember Stacy Rowe, who was the secretary of our Fashion Club. Stacy was a rather unique individual whose bubbly personality kind of affected us all. (Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: Well, almost all of us. Jane: She really knows how to lay on the schmaltz when she needs to, doesn't she? Daria: You've got that right. Jane: You know, we should find out exactly what's really going on here. Daria: Agreed. But where do we begin? Jane: Well, we could ask the painters who were doing Stacy's room. Daria: Jane, I'm pretty sure there are a few companies that do painting around here. Jane: Yeah, but how many you know run an ad that has this slogan in it? (Hands Daria an ad she tore out of the newspaper.) Daria: (Reading it.) Designs on You Interior Decorating--We specialize in matching colors with your wardrobe. OK, I'll bite. What's the scoop? Jane: I've sent Trent to do some investigating. Daria: That is, if he didn't fall asleep first. (Jane looks at Daria puzzledly.) ================================================================ Scene 8: The receptionist's area at Designs on You Interior Decorating, 455 Main Street, Lawndale, 4:00 PM Tuesday. Background music: The opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart. ================================================================ (We see a receptionist at her desk. She's blonde with green eyes and wearing a red business suit with skirt. Trent enters.) Receptionist: Hello. What can I do for you? Trent: I was wondering if you could paint my room. Receptionist: OK. What kind of colors were you interested in? Trent: Well, I had a few in mind. Black, brown, ochre, pastel blue. That last one someone suggested. I think her name is Stacy Rowe. She said she was having her room done in that color. Receptionist: I'm glad to have one of our best customers recommend us to you-- Trent: Trent. Trent Lane. Lead singer, guitarist and lyricist for Mystik Spiral. Receptionist: Pleasure to meet you, Sir. Anyway, I guess you heard that she's gone on a little vacation. Trent: Vacation? I heard rumors that she died. Receptionist: No, don't be silly. She's going to be spending a week in Virginia so she can recuperate from an asthma attack brought on from inhaling paint fumes. Didn't you hear about that? Trent: Was probably busy rehearsing, or sleeping, or whatever. (Shrugs his shoulders.) Receptionist: Well, I'm pretty sure she'll tell you all about it when she gets back. Trent: Whatever. (Pauses.) Let me get back to you when I finalize what color I want my room done in. Receptionist: Sure, and have a nice day. (We see Trent walk out of the room.) Trent: Man, this is getting weirder by the minute. ================================================================ Scene 9: Daria's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 6:55 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Daria's lying on her bed, minding her business, when the phone rings. She answers it.) Daria: Hello? (Split screen to show Jane at the left and Daria on the right.) Jane: Yo! Daria: Did Trent find out anything? Jane: Yeah, and you're not going to believe this. Apparently Stacy is alive and on vacation in Virginia. Daria: OK, so how do you explain how the Fashion Club thinks she's dead? Jane: Methinks there's been a few mix-ups along the way. Daria: That figures. Jane: Anyway, if I know the Rowes, they're probably vacationing at Lake Gaston Resort in Gasburg, Virginia. They go there for a week or two every summer. Daria: So, what's the battle plan? Jane: Trent's going to drive down there tomorrow and talk to her. I don't think she's going to take this very well. Daria: I'd be surprised if she did. Jane: Well, I'll keep you posted, partner in crime. Daria: Just as long as you don't do hourly updates on your Web site about it; we don't need the whole world knowing about this just yet. Jane: Roger, kemosabe. ================================================================ Scene 10: Lake Gaston Resort, 1:45 PM Wednesday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Take the Skinheads Bowling" by Camper von Beethoven. ================================================================ (We see Trent's car pulling up to the office. Jenn and Athena step out of the house. Jenn's now wearing a black minidress, black pantyhose and black high heels.) Jenn: Hello, dude. What can we do for you? Trent: Is someone by the name of Stacy Rowe here? Jenn: Like, who wants to know? Trent: Trent Lane, I'm with Mystik Spiral. You may have seen us touring in some parts of the country. (We see Athena wander off.) Jenn: Well, we normally don't allow people who don't have reservations to visit anyone here unless they have prior permission. Trent: Well, what if I told you that back home in Lawndale there are rumors circulating that Stacy was dead? Jenn: EWW!!!!! Are you serious? (We now see Athena return, with a dead bird in her mouth.) Trent: Cool. That just gave me an idea for my next song. Jenn: YUCK!!!!! Bad 'Thena! (She swats the bird out of her mouth and shoos her off.) Dumb cat. (We now see Stacy approaching.) Stacy: Jenn, what's going on here? (She sees Trent.) Don't I know you from somewhere? Trent: Yeah. My sister Janey goes to school with you, and you're friends with Daria's sister. Stacy: Daria's sister? What do you mean by that? Trent: Well, that redhead whose always hanging around with you and those other Fashion Club airheads. Stacy: Oh, you mean Quinn, don't you? Trent: Yeah, whatever. Stacy: And what do you mean when you said that Quinn was "Daria's sister"? Who is this Daria? Trent: You know her. Long brown hair, round glasses, green jacket, black skirt and boots. Stacy: Oh, don't you mean Quinn's cousin? Trent: Yeah, but she's not her cousin, she's her sister. Stacy: Then again, given how her parents are so weird, it seems to fit. I wonder why Quinn didn't turn out that way giver her relatives? Trent: Listen, I don't have time to figure out someone's family tree. I got to get you back to Lawndale so we can straighten some things out. Stacy: Is this like when Darth Vader told Luke Skywalker that he was his father? Trent: (Figures if he can't outwit her, play along with her.) Well, I happen to be Han Solo's long-lost nephew. Stacy: Really? (Mr. Rowe approaches.) Mr. Rowe: Stacy, who the Devil are you talking to? Trent: May the Force be with you, man. (He mixes up his sci-fi and gives the Vulcan Greeting.) Stacy: Someone who says he's Han Solo's long-lost nephew who claims that everyone back home in Lawndale thinks I'm dead. (Mr. Rowe suddenly does a double take.) Mr. Rowe: Everyone thinks you're WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Trent: Don't kill the messenger, man. Mr. Rowe: We're going to go straight back home and get this mess straightened out right now! Who started this rumor anyway? Trent: The Fashion Club. (Stacy has a look of shock on her face.) Stacy: How could they? (She begins to hyperventilate.) Mr. Rowe: Honey, get your inhaler! (Stacy does so, and she begins to breathe normally in a few seconds.) I don't know who you are, young man, but thanks for bringing this to my attention. Jenn: Like, if you leave now, you'll lose your refundable reservation deposit for ending your stay early. Mr. Rowe: Who cares? We're heading back to Lawndale now. I figure we'll be up there in the morning. (Trent does his sheepish grin.) ================================================================ Scene 11: The front lawn of LHS, 9:00 AM Thursday. ================================================================ (We see a crowd gathered here near the Tommy Sherman Memorial Crutch, which replaced the tree Kevin ran down in "A Tree Grows in Lawndale". We see a tree with its roots still in its burlap covering. Li is here, along with the other faculty and students. Daria and Jane are in the rear, in their sweatshirts. We also see Sandi with a shovel with Quinn and Tiffany nearby.) Li: It was rather kind of Lawndale Nursery to donate this tree that we're going to be planting next to the Tommy Sherman Memorial Crutch in Stacy's memory. I hope this tree blooms as beautifully as Stacy was beautiful herself. (Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: When is Trent supposed to be back with Stacy? Jane: He told me he'd be back up here as soon as he could. (Cut back to Li and Sandi.) Li: Ms. Griffin, do you have anything to say before you turn over the ceremonial first shovelful of dirt? Sandi: Well, I admit that Stacy was a bit of a basket case, but deep down inside, she was a very good person. She had a wit, a charm, a style, a personality that was all unique. (The tears begin to swell up.) I'm going to really miss her. We're all going to really miss her. (She cries now.) (We cut back to Daria and Jane.) Daria: If this wasn't so pathetic I wouldn't find this amusing. Jane: It'll get better once Stacy shows up. (And, lo and behold, Trent shows up with Stacy and Mr. Rowe.) Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria. Jane: Mission accomplished, Trent? (Smirks evilly.) Mr. Rowe: Just what is going on here exactly? Daria: That's what we'd like to know. Stacy: Where is Sandi? Jane: Up there, about to plant a tree in your memory. Stacy: Let me speak to her; I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. (We now see her going through the crowd, who suddenly gasp as one upon seeing her. She now goes to Sandi.) Sandi, I want to talk to you! Sandi: (Barely opening her eyes.) Go away, Stacy! Can't you see we're mourning for you? (Now realizes that that's Stacy in the flesh, opens her eyes wide and drops her jaw.) OHMIGOD!!!!! IT'S STACY!!!!! EEP!!!!! (Cut to Quinn and Tiffany.) Quinn: What's going on here? (Daria and Jane now approach Quinn.) Daria: Well, its either the greatest miracle since Jesus came back from the dead, or Stacy didn't die at all. (Sandi just stands there, trying to mouth words, then drops the shovel and runs away in embarrassment.) Quinn: Sandi, wait up! (Catches up with her.) Sandi, there's obviously been a mistake here. Sandi: Yeah, Quinn, and I'm totally responsible. Quinn: We all made mistakes in this, Sandi. We were all misinformed. Sandi: As President of the Fashion Club, I should accept ultimate responsibility. Therefore, there's only one way to remedy this. Quinn: And that is? Sandi: I'm resigning. Quinn: Oh, no! Now you're going to tell me to resign as well, aren't you? Sandi: No, Quinn. This isn't like when I got fat after I broke my ankle. (We hear the echoing horns that mark the beginning of "Theme from 'Patton'".) No, Quinn, this time the only one here who's going to be taking the fall is me. (We now hear the flute and drum part kick in.) Quinn, its up to you now to take over the ship of state that is the Fashion Club. Remember, its your duty to tell the world what's fashionable; to tell them what clothes are hot this season; to put geeks like your cousin/sister/whatever in their place. Yes, Quinn, the ball is in your court now. I'm going to just go off and fade into the sunset now. (She leaves. Daria and Jane catch up with Quinn.) Daria: What was that all about? Quinn: Sandi's resigned as President of the Fashion Club because she feels totally responsible for goofing up about Stacy being dead, that's what. Jane: I could put a bet on whether the Fashion Club's going to break up or not, but I think out of respect for the formerly dead, I'll pull it off the board. (Daria and Quinn give Jane a weird look, and she shrugs her shoulders. The theme continues as we now see scenes from Act 2 pop up in purple-tinted squares including Sandi finding the body bag, Jenn and Athena, Sandi with the shovel and Trent talking to the receptionist, then we see the" Daria" logo drop into the lower right hand corner of the screen.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ (We now see the following captions flash by on the screen:) "Are human beings descended from clams? Page 69." "Is L. Ron Hubbard God? Page 666." "Is the kind of Scientology we'll make you practice the same that Hollywood stars like John Travolta and Kirstie Alley practice themselves? Page 714." (We now see a hokey computer graphics image of an exploding volcano.) Announcer: "Dianetics". The book the Church of Scientology uses to brainwash people like you into joining us cleverly disguised as a self-help book. Available at fine bookstores everywhere. Then again, if I were you, I'd stay away from cults founded by crackpot science-fiction authors. (Another commercial.) Announcer: On the next all-new episode of "Jackass", Johnny Knoxville does the same dangerous stunt Daffy Duck did in swallowing all that explosive stuff. (We see Knoxville in a devil's outfit.) Knoxville: (Swallowing each item as he goes.) First, I'll swallow a whole gallon of gasoline. Now some uranium-238. Next will be nitroglycerine. Next will be some gunpowder. Next I'll hop up and down and stir all this up. (He does so.) Now I'll swallow a match. (He does so.) And that's that. (We now hear an earth-shattering explosion as Knoxville blows up.) Spectator: Gnarly, dude! That was great! (We see Knoxville, now ascending to Heaven, with the usual white robe, wings, halo and harp.) Knoxville: Yeah, yeah, I know, but I can only do it once, man. Announcer: Don't miss this and other pain-inducing stunts on the next all-new episode of Jackass. This Sunday night at 9:00 Eastern/8:00 Central, only on MTV. And we could tell you not to do this at home, but then again, when has that stopped people from doing it anyway and getting themselves killed or worse? ================================================================ ACT 3 ================================================================ Scene 1: Quinn's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 6:45 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (We see Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany camped out on Quinn's bed.) Quinn: Well, since I am acting President of the Fashion Club, and since there's three of us left, one of us is going to have to pull double duty around here. Stacy, would you mind being Vice President as well as Secretary? I think that's the least we can do to make up for what we've done to you the past few days. Stacy: Sure, Quinn. Tiffany: Fine by me, Quinn. Quinn: Great. Now that we've settled that, why don't we get on to other matters. The Spring Dance is coming up, and we need some ideas on what to wear and who to take with us. I have this killer dress I saw in Cashman's that would be perfect and I'm thinking of asking Jamie out. What do you think? Stacy: Sure, Quinn. Tiffany: Fine by me, Quinn. (Suddenly, all three of them sigh.) Quinn: Let's face it, guys. The Fashion Club isn't the same without Sandi. Even I have to admit to that. Stacy: Yeah, it isn't exactly fun just agreeing all the time about what clothes to wear and who we'll go out with. Usually you and Sandi argue over it. That's kind of what makes the Fashion Club fun. Tiffany: So, what are we going to do about it? Quinn: Well, there is one thing I could do, but it'll be kind of icky. Stacy: What's that, Quinn? Quinn: I'll have to ask my cousin to help me. Stacy: Don't you mean your sister, Quinn? (Quinn does a double-take.) Quinn: Who told you that? Stacy: Well, that guy who said he was Han Solo's long-lost nephew said that; the one who's the big brother of that artist friend of your sister. Tiffany: Quinn, have you been lying to us all these years? Quinn: Uh, well, you see. . . (She's clearly grasping at straws this time.) You know rock stars, they're always not thinking straight because they've either partied too hard or drank too much booze or got stoned or something like that. Tiffany: Why don't I exactly believe you, Quinn? Quinn: Hold that thought, Tiffany. (She leaves the room. We follow her do the door of Daria's room. She knocks on the door.) Daria, I've got to talk to you. (Cut to inside Daria's room. She and Jane are watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV On the screen we see a bunch of people dressed up like Napoleon.) SSW Announcer: No, this isn't a mental hospital, these people get paid to dress up like the famous French short guy himself. It's poised to be the biggest thing since Elvis impersonators. Professional Napoleon impersonators, next on "Sick, Sad World"! Quinn: (Knocking on the other side of the door again.) Daria, this is pretty important. Daria: Be right back. Jane: If you strangle her to death, I assure you I won't testify against you at the trial. Daria: Don't even tempt me. (She opens the door.) Yes? Quinn: Daria, is there any chance you may stop by Sandi's place and perhaps talk some sense to her? Daria: And this is in regard to what? Quinn: About her resigning over goofing about Stacy being dead. Daria: Couldn't you do that better yourself? Quinn: But you seem to handle things like this better than I ever could. (Takes a $20 bill out of her pocket and sticks it in the pocket of Daria's jacket.) Daria: OK, I think Jackson speaks louder than you on this matter. Consider it done. Quinn: Thanks. (She leaves.) Jane: Well? Daria: (Returning to Jane.) Do you know that old saying by Sir Robert Walpole that "All those men have their price"? Jane: Yeah, he said that about a group of political enemies of his; it's often misquoted as "Every man has his price". Daria: I think Quinn's found mine. Jane: Well, she is your sworn enemy, in a way. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Well, if I have to go over there, I might as well take this with me. (She takes a manila folder out of her desk drawer.) Jane: What is it? Daria: You'll see. ================================================================ Scene 2: The living room of the Griffin residence, 7:25 PM Thursday. Background music: The opening guitar wails from "Magic Man" by Heart. =============================================================== (We see Sam and Chris fighting. Linda enters the room, exasperated.) Linda: Will you two knock if off? Sam: He started it. (Punches Chris.) Chris: No, he did. (Punches Sam.) Linda: I'm gonna. . . (We hear the doorbell ring.) I'll get it. (She opens it, and we see Daria, Jane, Trent, Tom and Quinn here.) Hello. What can I do for you? Daria: We're here to see Sandi. Linda: Well, she's been brooding in her room ever since dinner. Trent: What I don't get is why Janey and Daria asked you, Daria's sister and I to come along with them. (Quinn jabs Trent in the ribs.) Quinn: Ixnay on the ister-say comments, Trent! Tom: (To Jane.) Is the always like this? Jane: About 99.44% of the time. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: (To Sam and Chris.) Hey, you two, guess who I have over with me? (Sam and Chris stop fighting, and they see Quinn.) Sam and Chris: Hey, it's Quinn. (They make a bee line right for her.) Quinn: EWW!!!!! (She runs, as Sam and Chris follow.) You're going to hear it from me when you get back, Daria! (Now runs off-camera with Sam and Chris behind her.) Daria: Good, that's three people out of the way. Linda: Are Sam and Chris going to be gone for long? Jane: Not to worry, Mrs. Griffin; I'm pretty sure those two will be back when they can't catch up with Quinn. Linda: Let me show you to Sandi's room then. ================================================================ Scene 3: Sandi's room, 7:30 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (We see Sandi here, just brooding on her bed. There's a knock on the door.) Linda: Sandi, honey, there's some people to see you. Sandi: Like, Mom, I don't want to see anyone right now. Linda: They said it was important. Sandi: (Sighing.) Well, OK. (She gets up and opens the door. She sees Linda, Daria, Jane, Trent and Tom.) Oh, it's you. Daria: Our reputation precedes us. Sandi: (To Daria.) I do recognize you, person whom I strongly suspect is actually Quinn's sister, and not her cousin, as she keeps claiming. (To Jane.) And you're that painter freak she hangs out with. (To Trent and Tom.) But who are you two guys? Trent: I'm the brother of that "painter freak" you just dissed, lady. Tom: And I'm the boyfriend of Quinn's "cousin". Sandi: Funny, how come a cute--if somehow fashionably challenged--guy like you likes to hang around with her? Tom: I have my purposes. (Smiles.) Daria: Then again, if you want to add to the family confusion, Kevin thinks he's my brother. Sandi: Now I'm getting confused. Daria: Don't worry, it'll be as clear as mud once we're done with you. (She, Jane, Trent and Tom now enter.) Against my better judgment. . . Jane: Not to mention a $20 bribe. (Smirks evilly as Daria shoots a hostile glance at her. Tom and Trent grin a little.) Daria: As I was saying, against my better judgment, I decided to come here on Quinn's behalf to talk to you about the events of the past few days. Sandi: Like, what is there to talk about? Daria: How that you and the rest of the Fashion Club were victims of misinformation. Sandi: How's that? Jane: Well, for starters, what exactly did Tiffany hear when she went to see Stacy after they brought her in to the hospital? Sandi: She had heard that Stacy didn't have much time left. Daria: For your information, Stacy had already left the examination room when Tiffany arrived. What she overheard was the diagnosis for another patient. Tom: Stacy told Daria this when she and the other members of the Fashion Club were over at Daria's place for their meeting. Sandi: Then how do you explain the body bag we saw when we all arrived there later on? Daria: That body bag, as you put it, had a "Heart Attack Annie" CPR training dummy in it. Somehow, when Quinn found Stacy's medical papers lying nearby, you had all erroneously put two and two together and got five. Jane: And for that, we're sending you to the Ministry of Love. (Smirks evilly.) Tom: Where we intend to torture you with rats. Sandi: EWW!!!!! Daria: But, seriously, I think this was just a case of jumping to conclusions. Sandi: But what about when they tried to contact her parents and there was no answer? Jane: We were stumped by that as well, until we found out that they had taken a vacation in Virginia to help Stacy recuperate from her attack. Daria: In other words, to put it like George Bush did, all of you were out of the loop. Jane: Think of it as a medical comedy of errors. Daria: Sandi, I don't think anyone should have to take the fall for this, although the prospects of the Fashion Club falling apart and making life easier for people like me is a bit tempting. Jane: In other words, we need each other. Trent: Yeah, like you and the other air heads on your club are the yang to Janey and Daria's yin. Tom: Whether we like to admit to it or not. Sandi: Why exactly are you doing this anyway, if you just admitted that you're totally opposed to what the Fashion Club stands for? Jane: Well, Daria does have twenty good reasons for doing this, don't you, partner in crime? (Daria shoots another hostile glance at Jane, then produces that manila folder from her jacket.) Daria: I think the best thing to do would be to rescind your decision to resign and resume your duties as President of the Fashion Club. Let's face it, with Quinn running the show, they're even more disoriented than usual. Jane: Not to mention that I think they all miss you. Sandi: (Perking up a bit upon hearing that.) Really? Daria: Just don't say we told you. (Hands Sandi the folder.) By the way, here's something you may be interested in. We have to go now. If you're caught, the agency will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Jane: This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim. (Sandi now opens the folder and looks at its contents. She lets out an evil smirk.) ================================================================ Scene 4: That grassy area where Daria and Jane like to hang out at in LHS, 3:25 PM Friday. Background music: The opening bars of "Theme from 'Mission: Impossible'" by The Edge. ================================================================ (We see Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany approaching. Each of them has a note.) Quinn: I can't believe we all got the same note telling us to be here after class today. Stacy: And it had to be on Report Card Day. I wanted to show Dad my card. I got four "A"'s and two "B"'s. Dad's going to be proud of me. Tiffany: Well, if you want to get into FIT, those are pretty good grades. Quinn: The only thing is, who wrote these notes? (Pan away to Daria and Jane, who are at a nearby tree.) Jane: Think this will work, kemosabe? Daria: If it doesn't, the next five meals at Pizza King are on me. Jane: Deal. (The Fashion Club trio now approach a tree, which has a plaque saying "Bicentennial Elm--Donated by the Class of 1976".) Quinn: This is where the person who wrote the note said that he or she would be. Sandi: (Off-camera.) Like I'm glad you all made it. Quinn: Sandi, is that you? (Quinn goes to the other side of the tree and sees that Sandi's there. She has that manila folder with her.) Sandi: Yeah, it's me, Quinn. Stacy: Sandi, were you the one who wrote those notes and stuck them in our lockers? Sandi: Well, someone else actually wrote them for me. (Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: And if I have it my way, they'll never know. Jane: Unless I rat you out first. (Smirks evilly while Daria shoots a hostile glance at her.) (Cut back to the Fashion Club.) Sandi: What is important is that I'm here to apologize to all of you over what happened over Stacy. Quinn: Well, Sandi, we were all in this together. Sandi: Nevertheless, my deciding to resign as President of the Fashion Club was not in the best interests of this organization. Stacy: Let's face facts, Sandi, you ARE the Fashion Club. Tiffany: Yeah. Quinn: (Even she has to admit to this.) Yeah, that's true, Sandi. Sandi: Stacy, can you ever forgive me--forgive all of us--for assuming that you were dead? Stacy: Well, given that there was no damage done, sure. (She gives Sandi a hug.) Quinn: Awwwwww! Why don't we give Sandi a group hug, Tiffany. Tiffany: OK, just as long as it doesn't crinkle up my dress. (She and Quinn join in. Suddenly, Stacy is gasping for breath.) Stacy: (Between gasps.) Uh--guys--lay--off--for--a--minute! (They disengage, and she uses her inhaler.) (Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: Well, the Fashion Club is back, much to our chagrin. Jane: Yeah, its like Saddam Hussein or Fidel Castro: They're just so hard to get rid of. (Smirks evilly.) (Cut back to the Fashion Club.) Sandi: Anyway, I guess I'll take that as acclamation that I'm back as a member? Quinn: Sure, Sandi. Sandi: Very well then, all we have to do is to re-elect me as President. Stacy: I don't think that will be necessary, Sandi. Sandi: What do you mean by that, Stacy? Stacy: Well, under the Student Government bylaws, a president of a club or organization who resigns has to give a letter of resignation to the secretary of the club, who in turn has to hand it to the Secretary of the Student Government. You did hand your letter of resignation to me, but I never bothered to give it to the Secretary of the Student Government. Quinn: Which means, Sandi, your resignation never took effect. Sandi: Well, I'm glad that's all settled then. (She not opens the folder.) By the way, Quinn, your so-called cousin gave this to me when she talked to me yesterday. (She hands the contents to Quinn, who now has a look of shock on her face. We now cut to the contents for the first time: Its photocopies of Daria's and Quinn's birth certificates, clearly naming Jake and Helen as their parents.) Quinn: But--but-but-- (Daria and Jane now advance.) Daria: I see the truth is now out, Quinn. Jane: Methinks someone is going to be incarcerated in the Fashion Club gulag. Sandi: While I should consider expelling you or suspending your membership as punishment for lying to us about having a geeky sister, I'm going to be merciful. Your punishment will be that when we go to the mall tomorrow, all our purchases are going to be on your tab. Daria: Let's just hope you haven't maxed out Mom and Dad's credit card from your last trip up there. Quinn: Daria, how could you do this to me? Daria: Payback's a bitch, isn't it? Quinn: Daria, you are so in trouble when we get home. Jane: No, you mean you're so in trouble. I'm pretty sure Jake and Helen aren't going to take this kindly. Sandi: Well, ladies, let's draw up our shopping lists for tomorrow. (She, Stacy and Tiffany now depart.) Quinn: (Following them.) Sandi, wait! This is all just a joke by my cousin to make me look bad! (To Daria.) I'm never speaking to you ever again, Daria! Daria: I wonder how long that threat will last? Jane: As long as a typical coalition government in Italy? (Daria does that Mona Lisa smile.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The living room of the Rowe residence, 4:15 PM Friday. ================================================================ (We see Stacy enter the house.) Stacy: Mom, Dad, I'm home! (Notices that no one's here as she stands on top of a throw rug.) Where is everyone? (Mr. Rowe now enters, wearing a three-piece business suit.) Mr. Rowe: Hi, Stacy. Mom's making dinner. Wasn't today Report Card Day? Stacy: (Hesitates for a moment.) Oh, yeah. (She takes the report card out, then hands it to him. He looks at it, then signs the back of it. She smiles as he approaches, but his foot accidentally drags the rug out from under Stacy, sending her tumbling to the floor. [6] ) OW!!!!! Mr. Rowe: Oh, dear! Stacy, you OK? Stacy: Yeah, I'm fine, Dad, though my side's throbbing a bit. Mr. Rowe: This report card is excellent! This is the best one yet from you! You're a cinch to get into FIT now! (To Mrs. Rowe.) Irene, you can come out now! (Mrs. Rowe steps inside from the kitchen, wearing a violet dress.) Stacy: Mom, weren't you cooking dinner? Mrs. Rowe: Well, no, not really. Stacy, we're very, very proud of you. To celebrate, we're going to go to Chez Pierre for dinner. And I think there's someone who wants to join you. (Ted DeWitt-Clinton now steps inside from the kitchen, wearing a tuxedo.) Stacy: Oh, wow, Ted! You look fabulous! Ted: Heck, Stacy, it was on your father's tab, so he went whole hog. Mr. Rowe: Better put on your best, Stacy. We've got reservations for 6:30. Stacy: I will, and thanks, you guys. (She goes and kisses Mr. Rowe, Mrs. Rowe and Ted, in that order, then goes to her room.) I'm just glad to be alive! (She now enters her room, grabs one of the stuffed horses from off her dresser, and gives it a hug.) WHOOOO!!!!! ================================================================ Scene 6: Pizza King, 450 Main Street, Lawndale, 7:00 PM Friday. Background music: That part of "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight" from REM that sounds vaguely like the opening bars of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" from The Tokens. ================================================================ (We see Daria, Jane, Tom and Trent sitting at a table. Daria and Tom are to the left of the viewer while Jane and Trent are to the right.) Daria: Well, I have to admit I had my fun finally getting my revenge at Quinn for all those times she was telling everyone I was her "cousin". Jane: And I'm pretty sure that when Jake and Helen get the credit card bill for tomorrow's shopping spree, she's going to have to take a job to pay that all off. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: (Raising her soda cup.) To sweet revenge, and eternal friendship between smart, cynical people. (Jane, Tom and Trent join in and clink their cups.) Jane: Daria, I do want to be a bit serious for a minute. Daria: OK, shoot. Jane: Daria, we all got to go sometime, even people like Stacy. Trent: Hmm, sounds like that could go well in a song Jesse and I are writing up. Jane: I'm being serious here, Trent. Tom: Go on, Jane. Jane: When I go, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered somewhere in the Adirondack Mountains region of Upstate New York. Daria: Consider it done, Jane. Jane: Just promise me one thing. Trent: Sure. Jane: Whatever you do, don't cry for me. I wouldn't stand everyone crying over me. And put up with any craziness that happens. Daria: Will do, Jane. Trent: Same here, Janey. Tom: Double that, and ditto, Jane. Jane: Thanks, guys; you're all heart. (We pan away from them, as the scene now fades to black to show the caption "Fifty years later. . ." in white Daria script.) ================================================================ Scene 7 : An overlook just off Saratoga County Road 4 (Conklingville Road) in Hadley, New York, near the town line with Day and next to the Great Sacandaga Lake, about fifty years later. (7) ================================================================ (We see an elderly Daria, Trent, Tom, Quinn and Jamie all gathered here. Trent is holding what looks like a canister full of ashes.) Trent: Well, Janey, I'm sorry you died from lymphatic cancer, (8) but at least you put up a good fight to the end. Daria: Trent, doesn't that can that has Jane's ashes look like an institution-size can of beans to you? Trent: (Shrugging.) Whatever. (Pauses.) Well, Janey, this is what you always wanted. (Pauses again.) Does anyone have anything to open this? Tom: Well, I have a beer can opener on my Swiss Army knife. (He gets it and gives it to Trent. We now see Trent struggle to open it.) Trent: Fine by me. (He opens the can, then goes to the edge of the lake to pour Jane's ashes into it; however, the ashes don't pour out.) Dammit, the ashes aren't pouring out of the can. Daria: Well, why not just toss the can into the lake, Trent? Trent: I don't know if Janey would have liked that. Daria: (Going up to Trent and doing her famous Mona Lisa smile.) I'm pretty sure if Jane was around to see this, Trent, she wouldn't mind. (Jamie turns to Quinn.) Jamie: Eh, what's going on around here, Quinn? My hearing aid's crapping out on me again. (Quinn produces a jar of applesauce and a spoon from her purse and hands it to Jamie.) Quinn: Go gum your applesauce, Jamie. (9) (Jamie proceeds to do so.) Trent: Well, Janey, this isn't exactly what I was hoping to do, but here it goes. (He tosses the can into the lake. It floats.) Daria: I wonder if anyone will notice that can floating around here? Tom: I'm pretty sure once it enters the Hudson River and makes its way down to New York City, no one's going to mind. Trent: That is, if it gets past that dredging project first. (10) (The can now sinks.) Daria: Hold that thought, Tom, Trent. It just sank. Trent: Well, rest in peace, Janey. (Everyone pauses for a minute.) Daria: Well, as long as we're in the area, why don't we go over to Arthur's House of Pizza in Hudson Falls and get something to eat? Jane would have approved. Tom: Sounds fine by me. Trent: Cool. Daria: Let's go then. (All five of them now head to their cars. The opening guitar riffs from "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult can be heard.) Trent: You know, if Janey was alive, she'd say "Let's go have a beer." Daria: I'm pretty sure she would have, Trent. (Daria and Tom now grin a little bit, as does Trent.) Jamie: (Fiddling with his hearing aid.) Confound it, I think I got it fixed now. Quinn: EWW!!!!!!!!!! Don't those three have any respect for the dead? Jamie: Well, maybe that's their way of showing their grief, Quinn. Quinn: (Shooting a hostile glance at Jamie.) Who asked you? (Jamie just gives a puzzled look at Quinn as the episode ends. The first verse of "Don't Fear the Reaper" can be heard as we cut to the alter egos. The alter egos include: Jake as Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four; Tom as John F. Kennedy and Daria as Jacqueline Kennedy; Jesse as Kevin Sorbo's version of Hercules; DeMartino as Don Vito Corleone from "The Godfather", stroking a cat; Upchuck as Ryo Saeba and Sandi as Kaori Makimura from the anime series "City Hunter"; Trent as Ted Nugent; Quinn as Noa Izumi from the anime series "Patlabor: The Mobile Police", standing on top of Noa's Labor Alphonse; Helen as Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, scrutinizing a "butterfly ballot"; Brittany as Farah Fawcett in her "Charlie's Angels" days; and the Three J's as the Three Stooges [with Joey as Moe, Jeffy as Larry and Jamie as Curly]. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drum roll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear the kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the music ABC used in their coverage of the Olympics during the 1970's, begins to play, as we see a special graphic saying: "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION--THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2002 WINTER OLYMPICS" with the 2002 Winter Olympics logo below that. Cut to a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN--THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH SHIPPER OF THE 2002 WINTER OLYMPICS" below it. Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) That's my gentle ribbing of a scene in Yui Daoren's fic "The Emancipation of Stacy Rowe", where Stacy's dad does just that. --Peter Soprano, Garbage Kingpin of the Adirondack North Country. (2) That's my tip of the hat to John MacPherson, who lives in my area of Upstate New York's Adirondack North Country (Saratoga Springs, to be exact).--Peter Schulz. (3) That's my tip of the hat to two of my friends, Michelle Klein-Häss and Jennifer Border. On the Japanese cooking show "Iron Chef" (which Michelle is a big fan of), eels of all kinds are sometimes used as the theme ingredient. When Jenn saw the Giant Eel Battle and saw those giant eels arising from the theme ingredient table, she went "EWW!" :-) --Peter Kaga, Chairman of the Gourmet Academy (who will now probably be attacked by Jenn's pet cat Athena over this :-) ). (4) On "Iron Chef", Takeshi Kaga shouts out that French phrase at the start of each battle. It literally means "And to the cuisine", but it could be transliterated as "Start cooking" or "Make food"; it could be roughly be the equivalent of how Mills Lane shouts "Let's get it on!" at the start of each fight on Celebrity Deathmatch.--Peter Fukui. (5) That's another tip of the hat to Jennifer Border, whose parents own such a park there.--Ranger Peter Smith. (6) This is a spoof on another scene from Yui Daoren's "The Emancipation of Stacy Rowe."--Satirical Peter. (7) The following scene is a gentle parody of a similar scene from Jon Kilner's fan fic "Jane"; I thank Jon for permission to do this. Further, I chose Hadley because that's where the print shop I work at is located. Also, I modeled this scene after what really happened at the funeral for Woody Guthrie as mentioned in the article "Gone With the Wind, Sort Of: Ashes of 19 Famous People--and 1 Dog" from "The Book of Lists 3" by Amy Wallace, David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace (New York: William Morrow, 1983).--Peter Guerin, Your Funeral Director. (8) That's my tip of the hat to Katherine Goodman and Kristin Wegner; in their story "Untitled 1", Jane is diagnosed with that disease. --Peter Guerin, MD (who is not a doctor, he only plays one in fan fics). (9) That's another tip of the hat to Jennifer Border, who keeps telling me to do that and even has made a wav file of her saying that. :-) --Old Fart Peter. (10) The EPA is proposing dredging the Hudson River from where I am in Hudson Falls down to Albany to get rid of PCB's General Electric dumped there from the 1940's to 1977. Since I came on to this pretty late, I don't have a position on this. If you want to see how GE feels about it, go to http://www.hudsonvoice.com.--Muckraker Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ "The Official Fan Fiction Company of the 2002 Winter Olympics" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.crosswinds.net/~peterguerin ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com AOL Instant Messenger: petergerin ICQ: 48647033 ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================