Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any character or aspect of Daria or Lord of the Rings. This was written just for fun and not a dime will be made from it. So please don’t sue.

by Morfiwien Greenleaf

CAST

Frodo - Daria (was there ever any doubt?)

Samwise - Jane

Merry - Stacy

Pippin - Tiffany

Aragorn - Trent

Gandalf - Amy

Gimli - Quinn

Legolas - Sandi

Elrond - Mr. DeMartino

Arwen - Monique

Galadriel - Helen

Celeborn - Jake

Lurtz - Ms. Barch

Narrator - Me, of course! Who else?

Note: These are all the characters that appear in this crossover. I left some out--such as Bilbo and Saruman--for the sake of time and pace.

EXT. CASA DE LANE

(Daria yawns and rings the doorbell. Jane answers the door.)

JANE: Hey. Ready for Bad Movie Night CXVII?

DARIA: (yawning) No, but go ahead.

JANE: Get much sleep last night?

DARIA: Quinn left her straightening iron plugged in and late last night it somehow fell into her hamper and set her clothes on fire.

JANE: Oh, so the smoke detector woke you up.

DARIA: Worse...Quinn started squealing about her precious clothes being wrecked. (BT) But she’s taking it well, especially since my Dad gave her his platinum gold card to replace everything. So what are we watching?

JANE: (Triumphantly whips out The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, which she had been holding behind her back.) Ta-da!

DARIA: (a pained look in her eyes) Again??

JANE: (defensively) Hey, it’s a good story!

DARIA: The book was better...and “more accurate.”

JANE: You Tolkien purists take the fun out of everything.

DARIA: Oh, you just want to watch Legolas prance around with his bow and arrow.

JANE: (unabashed) Hell, yeah. And since this is the extended version, there’s bound to be more of that luscious elf-man!

DARIA: I’m more partial to Aragorn, myself. (Gasps and covers her mouth as she realizes what she just said.)

JANE: (smirking) Is it because he’s tall, dark, and handsome, like a certain someone who’s in a band....?

DARIA: (scowling) Two words: bridesmaid’s dress.

(Jane does not reply but continues smirking. They go to the living room and Jane pops the first video into the VCR. They both sit on the couch.)

GALADRIEL’S VOICE: The world is changing...I feel it in the earth...

(Audience’s view shifts to Daria’s POV. Daria blinks a few times and then her eyes close. The screen goes black for a few seconds. Then Daria’s eyes open. She looks down and notices that she’s wearing breeches, a button-down shirt, is barefoot--in short, she’s dressed like a hobbit. Switch POV to Daria standing in Bag End.)

DARIA: Perfect. Now my day’s complete. (She looks around.) Hmm...It seems I’m in Bag End. So who am I supposed to be...Bilbo?

NARRATOR: Nope. Bilbo’s gone to stay with the elves. He’s left Bag End to you, Frodo.

DARIA: (Looks toward direction of voice.) What? I thought the movie started with Gandalf visiting for Bilbo’s eleventy-first birthday.

NARRATOR: Nah. I decided to cut that part out. It was making the story go on too long. Besides, the sooner you’re on the road, the sooner we get to Legolas!

DARIA: And my nervous breakdown. (BT) Since Legolas is so popular, why didn’t you just make him the hero, then?

NARRATOR: Because this is a Daria/LOTR crossover. It wouldn’t work.

DARIA: So that explains why pinching myself in an effort to wake up isn’t working. (BT) So how do I get out of here?

NARRATOR: Just complete the quest.

DARIA: (frowning) Of course. Can I at least have my shoes?

NARRATOR: Hobbits are supposed to be barefoot.

DARIA: True, but I’m not a hobbit, and therefore to not have the feet required for walking over rocks, sharp sticks, pine needles--

NARRATOR: Nope.

DARIA: (raises one eyebrow) No? No shoes, no quest.

NARRATOR: Oh yeah? Then you’ll never get home.

DARIA: Bag End seems to have plenty of food, not to mention a nice vegetable garden in front. And Hobbiton is lovely this time of year...

NARRATOR: Arrrgh! Fine, here’s your stupid boots! (Daria’s trademark boots appear on her feet.) Damn cartoon character! Next thing you know, she’ll be wanting a horse.

DARIA: (overhearing) Hmmm...a horse would be nice, since I’ll most likely be coming into contact with Ring Wraiths...

NARRATOR: To Bree! Now!

DARIA: Oh, all right. Spoilsport. (Tucks ring in pocket and puts miraculously ready-made pack onto her back.)

JANE: (popping into open window) Don’t forget me!

DARIA: Jane?? You’re in this, too?

JANE: Just call me Sam. (BT) Well, at least I’m not Toto this time. (1)

DARIA: (singing softly) We’re off to see the wizard...

JANE: Speaking of which, where is Gandalf?

DARIA: By my calculations, he should be prisoner of Saruman by now.

JANE: Oh, bugger. Well, off we go. (Daria’s boots then catch her eye.) Hey, how come you get to wear shoes? I want some, too!

NARRATOR: (sighs impatiently) Fine, whatever. (Now Jane can be seen wearing boots as well.) Now get going!

DARIA: (clicks heels together and salutes) Jawohl, mein fuhrer.

(They start walking away.)

EXT. FARMER MAGGOT’S CORNFIELDS

(Daria and Jane are walking among the stalks when they are bumped into by Stacy (Merry) and Tiffany (Pippin).

STACY & DARIA: OW!!

STACY: Oh, I’m so sorry! Are you all right?

DARIA: (rubbing her forehead, wincing) I’ll live. So I take it you two are Merry and Pippin, here to accompany us to Bree?

TIFFANY: (in her usual glacially slow airhead voice) Wha.....?????

STACY: Um, all I know is that I was suddenly whisked away from my bedroom to this field and this voice told me I had to go on some mission-quest-thing with these two people that would be showing up soon. It was so weird!

TIFFANY: Yah...weird...

(Jane and Daria look at each other and shrug.)

JANE: Hey, it could be worse.

DARIA: Yeah, it could have been Quinn.

NARRATOR: (sotto voce) Oh, just wait.

DARIA: (quickly) What was that?

NARRATOR: Oh, nothing....heh, heh, heh.

DARIA: (hanging her head) I hate you.

NARRATOR: (cheerfully) Sure you do. Hey, is that a Ring Wraith behind you?

(DARIA jumps and looks behind her. There’s nothing, save a few stalks of corn blowing merrily in the breeze.)

NARRATOR: Made you look.

DARIA: (deadpan) Someday, Alice. POW! Right to the moon. (BT) Well, let’s get going. The sooner this is over with, the better.

(Everyone nods in agreement and they start walking.)

TIFFANY: So...where are we going?

EXT. LEAF-COVERED ROAD BORDERED BY FOREST AND SHRUBBERY.

(Nine Ring Wraiths tear down road on horses at full speed. After they pass, Daria and co. pop out of bushes lining road and everyone but Daria runs in the opposite direction. Daria walks slowly and calmly.)

DARIA: I do not run. That would be classified as exercise.

NARRATOR: Oh, no?

(Suddenly, all nine Ring Wraiths appear behind her.)

DARIA: Have I mentioned that I hate you?

NARRATOR: If you run now, you might make it to Buckleberry Ferry before you get caught or the others sail away. Might.

(Cursing, Daria takes off at full speed. The raft is indeed pulling away as she nears it. Daria leaps a la Frodo but ends up missing the raft and falling in the river. Jane helps her aboard.)

DARIA: (shivering) Ok, Mr. Demille, I’m ready for my abuse.

INT. CHECK-IN DESK AT THE PRANCING PONY INN OF BREE.

INNKEEPER: So, who are you?

DARIA: (still dripping wet) Frodo Underhill.

STACY: (confused) But I thought you were Daria Morgendor--

(Jane clamps her hand over Stacy’s mouth.)

JANE: Don’t mind her. She gets disoriented when she tired.

(Stacy’s eye’s fill with tears.)

STACY: Omigod! I’m SO sorry! I forgot I wasn’t supposed to say your real name! Please don’t hate me!

INNKEEPER: It’s ok, Gandalf already let me in on everything.

JANE: What?

DARIA: (smug smile) I told you to read the book first.

INNKEEPER: Oh, by the way, Strider’s waiting for you in the barroom.

(They all start walking toward the bar.)

JANE: So, Daria, when will those Ring Wraiths track us down?

DARIA: They won’t. I’m not going to put on the ring.

JANE: Smart.

(They continue walking. The ring falls out of Daria’s pocket and lands in front of Tiffany. She picks it up.)

TIFFANY: (mesmerized) This ring is so shiny...

(Tiffany slips on the ring and disappears. Stacy shrieks.)

STACY: Where did she go?

JANE: What I want to know is, how the hell did that ring fall out of Daria’s pocket?

NARRATOR: (mysteriously) The ring has a will of its own.

DARIA: (nonplussed) And so does the narrator.

(In a flash, Tiffany reappears. Stacy runs over and hugs her.)

STACY: Tiffany! Are you okay?

TIFFANY: (shudders) There was this big eye looking at me. It was so gross.

JANE: (grabbing ring) That’ll teach you to keep your hands to yourself. Thanks to you, now those Ring Wraiths will be heading right for us!

DARIA: (sighing) Some evil sets its will against us.

JANE: Hey, doesn’t Aragorn say that in The Two Towers?

DARIA: Shhh! Don’t give the narrator any ideas!

INT. BARROOM OF PRANCING PONY INN.

(Trent (Strider) is snoozing, as usual, on a chair in the corner of the room. Jane nudges him with her boot.)

TRENT: (startled) But Elrond, I was just getting a chicken bone out of her throat....Oh. Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.

DARIA: (blushing) Hey.

JANE: (elbows Daria) So this is our Strider.

DARIA: (deadpan) Or Aragorn, son of Arathorn, or Elessar, or Elfstone...

JANE: Enough names?

TRENT: Eh, I like to keep things loose.

JANE: (rolls eyes) So what do we call you, then?

TRENT: Oh, you know, whatever.

DARIA: Well, “Oh, you know, whatever,” we should probably get going before those Ring Wraiths get here.

TRENT: (does that laugh/cough thing) Good one, Daria.

(Daria blushes, Jane smirks, Stacy smiles, and Tiffany is her usual oblivious self.)

NARRATOR: Excuse me, sorry to butt in, but you’ll no doubt be happy to know that I’m skipping the whole Weathertop thing and moving the story right to the Council Meeting of Elrond at Rivendell.

DARIA: (hopeful look) So, we can skip the stabbing, then?

STACY: (hysterical) Oh, no! Someone gets stabbed? Is it bloody? I hate blood!

TIFFANY: Stacy, eww.

NARRATOR: Yes, well, the story is starting to lag a bit, so I thought I’d pick up the pace and--

DARIA: --and get to Legolas.

(Jane’s eyes light up.)

JANE: Legolas is in this? Thank you, God!

NARRATOR: Oh, you’re welcome. (snicker)

DARIA: I have a very bad feeling about this.

EXT. PRETTY RIVENDELL COUNCIL MEETING AREA. LEAVES FALLING GRACEFULLY FROM SURROUNDING TREES. YOU GET THE PICTURE.

(Council meeting has been called into session by Mr. DeMartino (Elrond). Among the various people present are Daria’s Aunt Amy (Gandalf), Upchuck (Boromir), Quinn (Gimli), and Sandi (Legolas).)

JANE: (Incredulous.) Sandi is Legolas?? (shakes fist at sky) Why, narrator, why?

NARRATOR: I know, I wish things could be different. I miss him, too. But it would be out of place.

JANE: (bitter) Hmph. Daria at least gets Trent as Aragorn.

NARRATOR: According to the movie, Aragorn and Frodo never display quite that sort of interest in each other. (smiles wickedly) Now, Sam and Frodo, on the other hand...

JANE: Don’t even think about it.

QUINN: (whining) How come Sandi gets to be the elf?

SANDI: Gee, Quinn, are you saying that you would make a better elf than me?

QUINN: (faux polite) Oh, no, Sandi, I could never be as good an elf as you.

SANDI: All right, then.

DEMARTINO: All RIGHT! Settle down! We must DECIDE what to do with the RING!

UPCHUCK: I know what we could do with it...give me the ring, and I’ll use it well. (leers at Quinn and Sandi) Grrowwl!

AMY: Yeah, right. you’ll just use it to spy on naked women. This ring must be destroyed.

DEMARTINO: Any TAKERS?

(Silence. Crickets chirp. Daria sighs and raises her hand.)

DARIA: I’ll do it.

NARRATOR: Good! I didn’t even have to threaten you this time.

DARIA: Bite me.

UPCHUCK: My pleasure...mrow.

DARIA: (pained, looking up at the sky) Why couldn’t you have made him Gollum, or something? At least then I wouldn’t have to interact with him.

NARRATOR: (laughs evilly) You’re forgetting The Two Towers.

DARIA: Crap. (BT) Well, who’s coming with me?

AMY: I’m in, of course.

(Daria looks at her aunt gratefully. Everyone else stares at Trent, waiting for him to reply. He’s asleep again. Amy pokes him with her staff.)

TRENT: Wha? Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m in, too.

(Everyone then looks at Sandi and Quinn.)

SANDI: As if I’d go anywhere with Quinn’s loser cousin, or whatever.

(Daria scowls.)

NARRATOR: Oh, yes, you are, or I’ll make you be the dwarf.

SANDI: Erp.

QUINN: Do I have to do this?

NARRATOR: Not unless you want a beard to go with your helmet.

QUINN: Augh! You better not! Okay, I’ll go on this dumb thing, too.

UPCHUCK: (nobly) You will need protecting, and I’m just the one to do it. Besides, how could I pass up this golden opportunity...(becomes his lecherous self again) journeying far and wide to exotic lands with four luscious ladies, sharing but one tent...perhaps even one sleeping bag...

QUINN: Ewwwww!

SANDI: In your dreams, loser!

DEMARTINO: Well, it SEEMS we’re still SHORT by THREE!

(Jane, Stacy, and Tiffany rush in.)

JANE: Here we are! Sorry we’re late. Tiffany and Stacy got so distracted by their reflections in the waterfalls and lakes that they had to stop to fix their hair and makeup.

STACY: (Guiltily) Well, our rooms didn’t have mirrors.

TIFFANY: Yah...what else could we do?

DEMARTINO: Now that you’re all HERE, you can go on the QUEST.

TRENT: Wait, let me say goodbye to Arwen first.

DEMARTINO: (scowls) OKAY, but HURRY up!

(Trent walks off to a woman in the distance. It’s Monique. They disappear into the trees. Daria lowers her head in disappointment. Jane puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.)

JANE: (sympathetically) Cheer up, Daria. There’s a five-million to one chance that they’ll never get together, given that he’s a man and she’s an elf scheduled to sail to the undying lands.

DARIA: (slightly defensive) What are you talking about? I lowered my head because of the glare from the sun.

JANE: Whatever.

(Everyone waits...and waits...and waits...and waits...until finally...)

TRENT: Okay, let’s go.

(Everyone gets up and starts walking out of Rivendell.)

JANE: (teasingly) Geez, Trent, that was some goodbye.

TRENT: Oh...well, we broke up.

JANE: Again?!

TRENT: Yeah, going on this quest and all, I probably won’t be seeing her again for awhile.

JANE: (suggestively) It took an awfully long time for you two to break up.

TRENT: (blushes) Well, we had a lot to talk about. Issues and stuff. And she gave me this necklace thing that she always wears around her neck. Says it’s a good luck charm.

(Daria’s eyes widen, but she doesn’t say anything. Jane rolls her eyes at Trent’s cluelessness. Everyone continues walking. Gee, they do that a lot, don’t they?)

EXT. HILLY TERRAIN OF THE MISTY MOUNTAINS. THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY TO THE GAP OF ROHAN.

(Jane is frying dinner over a fire. The fashettes are congregated together a few feet away, talking about all things shallow and unimportant. Upchuck approaches them with a gleam in his eye.)

UPCHUCK: Any of you lovely ladies need any help with your sword fighting technique? (suggestively) I’ll even let you blow my “horn of Gondor”....(2)

ALL: EWWWW!!!

(Upchuck shrugs and moves to Daria.)

UPCHUCK: How about you, my ravishing ringbearer?

DARIA: Take one step closer and I’ll cut off your head.

UPCHUCK: Playing hard to get, eh? Feisty!

(Daria unsheathes Sting and takes a fighting stance.)

DARIA: Your other head.

(UPCHUCK gulps, manages a weak “feisty!”, and backs away, shielding his vulnerable area. Daria sheathes her sword and walks over to Jane, who’s still cooking.)

DARIA: So what’s for dinner? Seeing as we’re not up to lembas yet.

(Jane starts to answer but then gets distracted.)

JANE: What’s that up in the sky that’s coming toward us?

AMY: (sardonically) Oh, nothing...just a little something from Saruman. (BT) Hide!

(Jane, Daria, Amy, and Upchuck run and crouch under nearby jutting rocks and shrubbery. Fashettes pay them no heed and continue talking.)

AMY: Hey, you four! Get over here!

QUINN: (contemptuously) It’s just a bunch of stupid birds!

SANDI: Yeah, like, besides, our clothes will get all wrinkled.

STACY: But what if she’s right? (Sandi glares at her.) Eeep!

AMY: (thinking quickly) You have to hide, because, uh, um, with so many birds flying overhead, odds are that one of them will poop all over you!

DARIA: And there are no showers around. For miles.

SANDI: Hah, yeah right, Quinn’s cousin and Quinn’s cousin’s aunt, or whatever.

(The birds are now directly overhead. All of a sudden, there is a humungous splat, and Quinn’s helmet is covered with bird crap.)

QUINN: Oooohhh!

(They all start to take cover, but Amy leaves her hiding place.)

AMY: (angrily) It’s too late, you fools! They’ve already seen us. How did I get stuck with such a stupid fellowship?

(Narrator looks away and whistles innocently.)

AMY: Well, now we have two options: going up over that huge snow-covered mountain to our left, or traveling through the dark caves under it. I say we go over.

QUINN: Um, okay.

SANDI: Wait, would that require, like, walking through snow?

AMY: Um, yes...

SANDI: (appalled) No way! These boots are made of real leather. Let’s go the other way.

STACY: In a cave? But it’s so dark...

TIFFANY: Yah...and icky.

(Sandi glares at Tiffany.)

SANDI: The mountain will be windy, and snow will be falling, lots of it.

TIFFANY: (a look of horror on her face) Oh, no...wind...snow...hair...

AMY: Enough! There’s only one way we can decide this. (looks at Daria)

(Everyone else looks at Daria, too. After a moment...)

DARIA: Anyone got a coin? (Jane fishes a nickel out of her pocket and gives it to Daria.) Okay, heads Moria, tails Caradhras.

TIFFANY/SANDI: What?

JANE: Heads under the mountain, tails over.

TIFFANY/SANDI: Oh.

(Daria flips the coin. It lands on heads.)

AMY: Moria, it is then.

EXT. NIGHT. FULL MOON. SHINY DOOR TO THE MINE OF MORIA IN PLAIN SIGHT.

AMY: Okay, let’s skip the racket: Mellon.

(Door does not move.)

AMY: Mellon!

(Door still does not move.)

DARIA: I don’t get it. That’s the word in the book.

NARRATOR: May I remind you that this isn’t the book, it’s a crossover/parody.

AMY: Figures I’m no closer to the answer than Gandalf was. (sits down and starts to think)

(Meanwhile, Quinn is busy washing her helmet and hair in the water, splashing around quite a bit.)

TRENT: Hey, cool it with the splashing. You’ll attract something.

QUINN: At least I wash my hair, unlike a certain grungy ranger.

(Trent scowls. Daria raises an eye.)

DARIA: How do you know he’s called a ranger?

QUINN: (wilting immediately) I saw the movie once, okay? All right, twice! But it was only because Legolas was so hot! (dramatically) Is that a crime?

DARIA: (rolls her eyes) Is everyone attracted to that pretty-boy Legolas?

JANE: Damn straight!

TRENT: Nah, not me. I always preferred Aragorn myself.

(Everyone gapes at him.)

TRENT: (blushes when he realizes what he said) Wait, I didn’t mean it that way...

DARIA: (smirking) Well, he does look kind of like a girl...

TRENT: Heh, that’s true. But what I meant is that he’s my favorite character. I always envisioned myself as him.

JANE: (teasingly) And here we thought you liked Arwen the best.

TRENT: No, not really...although I always thought that Daria would make a good Arwen. She’s got that really soulful look.

(Jane nudges Daria. Blushing furiously, Daria shoots Jane a death glare.)

UPCHUCK: Hmmm...since Sandi is Legolas, I delight in the possibilities of passionate lesbian snogging here...

QUINN: As if, loser!

SANDI: (a little unconvincingly) Uh, yeah, geekboy. (3)

(Before anyone can say anything else, Amy jumps up.)

AMY: Aha! I’ve got it! (She pushes the door, and it opens.)

DARIA: (dumbfounded) Excuse me?

AMY: Hey, I figured since this was one of the most unlikely situations we’d ever be in, it would be the most unlikely thing to do, so I did it.

NARRATOR: Damn. She’s figured out the rules. Now I have to change them.

(As the co. enters the mines, a tentacle snakes out of the water and moves toward Quinn.)

SANDI: Quinn, look out!

(Quinn turns and sees the tentacle, screams, and runs into the cave. But not before the monster nabs her helmet and a few strands of hair. Quinn gingerly feels the top of her head.)

QUINN: Yes! No more ugly helmet!

(Suddenly, there’s a big burp, and the helmet shoots out of the water and lands by Quinn’s feet.)

QUINN: Eww! It’s all slimy! I refuse to wear it!

SANDI: (horrified/amused) Gee, Quinn, is that a five o’clock shadow appearing on your face?

QUINN: Oh, all right! You win! (Jams helmet on head. It makes a squishing sound.) Why me?

STACY: Cheer up, Quinn. At least you have foot protection.

TIFFANY: Yah.

QUINN: But these boots are so clunky and ugly! They’re almost like my sis--cousins!

SANDI: (smugly) Too bad you weren’t able to get stunning real-leather boots like mine.

QUINN: (faux polite) Yes, Sandi.

(Then there’s another squishing sound.)

SANDI: Eww! I stepped in something mushy!

QUINN: (clasping hands together) Thank you, guardian angel.

SANDI: Uggh! It’s a dead person!

(Tiffany and Stacy gasp. Amy shines her rod-light around. There are numerous dwarf skeletons around.)

DARIA: Oh, joy.

JANE: Perhaps we’d better leave...

(Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the door caves in.)

JANE: You son of a bitch.

NARRATOR: Sorry, but I didn’t want to go about the whole bother of having you battle that octopus-thing, but I can’t have you leave. Think of it this way: I saved you from breaking a sweat.

DARIA: (sarcastically) It’s nice to know you’re looking out for us.

SANDI: We can’t leave?! Quinn, this is all your fault!

QUINN: What? I wanted to go over the mountain! Besides, I didn’t flip the coin, Daria did.

(Sandi is momentarily slowed by Quinn’s show of spine, but recovers quickly and rounds on Daria.)

SANDI: So, Quinn’s loser cousin, what do you have to say for yourself?

DARIA: (eyes narrowed) Hey. If you had hidden in the bushes with the rest of us when those crebain flew by, we might have been able to pass through the Gap of Rohan and we wouldn’t have had to even flip the coin in the first place.

SANDI: Oh really? Well--

(They are interrupted by a clattering sound. Tiffany has knocked a dead dwarf into a well.)

TIFFANY: (sheepishly...well for her, anyway) His shield was so shiny...

AMY: You idiot! Next time throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity!

TIFFANY: (confused) But...I can’t swim...

AMY: (sighs) Let’s just go before all the orcs and cave troll get here.

DARIA: Gee, a four day trip condensed into ten minutes. How convenient.

NARRATOR: Are you complaining? I could lengthen this part if you like.

DARIA: (eyes widen) Uh, no, please don’t.

(There is the sound of many orcs coming.)

AMY: Run! To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!

TIFFANY: (looking at her reflection in a discarded ax-blade) Where?

STACY: (grabs her) Come on!

(Everyone runs, even Daria. The bridge is in sight. Jane smacks attacking orcs with her frying pan as they run.)

JANE: (cheerfully) Well, we’re doing good! No sign of the Balrog yet!

(There is a huge roar and flames appear. All the orcs retreat in fear. Daria glares at Jane.)

DARIA: You just had to open your mouth, didn’t you?

(Jane smiles sheepishly and shrugs. Everyone runs across the bridge with the Balrog in hot pursuit. Orcs shoot many arrows at them and miss.)

JANE: Geez, none of these orcs can shoot worth a damn! How do these guys manage to survive in the wild?

DARIA: (deadpan) Maybe they get welfare checks from Sauron.

(Amy, the only one not over the bridge yet, stops in the middle and turns to face the Balrog.)

DARIA: Aunt Amy, what are you doing?

AMY: I feel a burning need to break the bridge to stop the Balrog...Even though we are nearly out and he probably wouldn’t follow us outside because he hates the light. You know, the whole “shadow and flame” thing.

DARIA: Um...right.

AMY: (to Balrog) You shall not pass!

(She strikes her staff onto the bridge. The entire thing crumples.)

AMY: Oh crap.

(She and Balrog tumble into dark chasm.)

DARIA: Aunt Amy!

JANE: Come on, Daria, let’s get out of here!

(They run out of the exit as arrows whizz by them. Jane shakes her head.)

JANE: Tsk. They’d probably do better blindfolded.

QUINN: What took you guys so long?

DARIA: You sound almost happy to see us.

QUINN: Upchuck was getting, well, grabby.

DARIA: I see...unfortunately.

JANE: The nightmares.

QUINN: So, where did Aunt Amy go?

DARIA: (bows head) She’s, um, fallen into shadow.

QUINN: (solemn) Oh.

SANDI: (outraged) I was never informed that people were going to be dying!

QUINN: It’s okay Sandi. Your character lives.

SANDI: (relaxes) Oh, then it’s all right.

(Daria’s eyes narrow angrily.)

DARIA: At least, until the end of the movie.

SANDI: What?!

QUINN: (reassuringly) Don’t worry, she’s just joking. Legolas lives through all three movies.

DARIA: (Mona Lisa smile) How do you know that, Quinn? Only two movies have come out so far.

JANE: Sounds like Quinn has actually...read the books!

QUINN: It was for a book report!

DARIA: (to Jane, loudly) Next thing you know, she’ll be reading War and Peace.

JANE: Maybe she’ll even have to get reading glasses!

QUINN: Oh! Let’s just get to Lothlorien!

DARIA: Whatever you say...bookworm.

(Quinn steams and stomps off. The rest follow.)

EXT. FOREST OF LOTHLORIEN. LEAVES FALLING, JUST LIKE RIVENDELL.

(Everyone is walking down the forest path when they are surrounded by elves with bows and arrows.)

TED/HALDIR: I hate to say this, but the dwarf talks so loud we could have shot her in the dark.

QUINN: I am NOT a dwarf!

Daria: (blushes) Ted??

Ted: Oh, hi Daria. (appraises her) Don’t expect me to ask, do you have any gum?

DARIA: You just did.

TED: Oh...

SANDI: Eeww! A geek! Let’s go back.

DARIA: I thought that was Gimli’s line.

TED: Sorry, but I’ve got strict orders to take you to see the Lady of the Wood. Come. She awaits.

INT. EERILY LIT ELF CHAMBER ON THE TOP OF A TREE.

(Helen (Galadriel) and Jake (Celeborn) descend slowly from the dais.)

JAKE: Hey, aren’t there supposed to be nine of you?

HELEN: (really into her role, perfectionist that she is) Gandalf has fallen into shadow.

JAKE: Gandalf? I thought it was Amy.

HELEN: Just be quiet, Jake...er, Celeborn.

JAKE: But--(Helen glares at him, he shuts up but then mutters to himself) Damn crossover/parodies! Can’t remember who’s who!

HELEN: (dramatically) The fellowship stands on the edge of a knife--

SANDI: Um, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is almost interesting, but according to Quinn we are supposed to get gifts of some kind. Could you just give them to us so we can be on our way?

(Fashion club and others nod in agreement. Helen sighs in defeat.)

HELEN: All right. But first, Daria...er, Frodo must look in the magic mirror. Come.

JAKE: Can I come, too?

HELEN: (irritated) No!

JAKE: (pouting) Celeborn never gets to do anything fun!

EXT. NIGHT. GALADRIEL’S GLADE. STONE ALTAR IN CENTER WITH METAL BOWL. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S EVERYBODY’S FAVORITE MAGIC MIRROR!

HELEN: (a la Galadriel) Will you look into the mirror?

DARIA: (bored) Yeah, yeah.

HELEN: (normal tone) Daria, you could at least try to enjoy this. Look on the bright side.

DARIA: Which is?

HELEN: Uh...it’s an extra-curricular activity that will look good on your college application?

(Daria looks at Helen as if she’s gone crazy.)

DARIA: (sarcastically) Yes, I can just see it now: “kidnapped with family and peers and forced to act out The Fellowship of the Ring as the puppets of a sadistic narrator.”

(Helen glares at Daria. Daria cringes.)

DARIA: Um...works for me.

HELEN: So....(dramatic again) Will you look into the mirror?

DARIA: (completely devoid of feeling) What will I see?

HELEN: Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.

(Daria steps up and looks.)

DARIA: Whoopee. My reflection.

(Just as she says this, the water starts to change. She sees scenes from the past journey, and then the image dissolves and she sees Lawndale in ruins. Aghast, she pulls away and gapes at her mother.)

HELEN: I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind--

DARIA: Save your breath. I’m not going to offer you the ring.

HELEN: (disappointed) But then I can’t do Galadriel’s “beautiful and terrible” monologue.

DARIA: Oh, well. Too bad you weren’t cast as Frodo instead.

HELEN: Are you freely offering your part to me? I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this.

DARIA: As much as I hate to say it, no. (under her breath) I don’t think the narrator would let me, anyway.

(Daria starts to leave, but has a thought and turns back to look at her mother.)

DARIA: You couldn’t tell me, by any chance, why I saw Lawndale in the mirror instead of the Shire?

(Helen’s eyes widen slightly, but she shrugs.)

HELEN: I don’t know. I’m not the one writing this.

NARRATOR: Just trying to keep you on your toes. Wouldn’t want you to get too comfy.

DARIA: Fat chance of that happening.

(Leaves.)

EXT. BANKS ON THE RIVER ANDUIN.

(Everyone is packing the boats, preparing to leave.)

STACY: Quinn, it was so nice of your mother to give us all of this useful stuff.

TIFFANY: Yah...These elf-blades are so shiny... (admires herself in one)

SANDI: Yeah, Quinn, too bad all you got was three strands of your mother’s hair.

QUINN: (scowls) I can’t help it if she’s really into this!

DARIA: Mom giving Quinn a love-token...I thought incest was outlawed in all fifty states.

JANE: (grinning wickedly) We’re not in the US, we’re in Middle Earth. Anything goes.

DARIA: The river looks cold and deep. They’d never find your body. (4)

JANE: (melodramatic) Planning to pull a Boromir on me? Is this any way to treat your loyal companion?

UPCHUCK: What was that about me, my raven-tressed enchantress?

JANE: (quickly) Oh, nothing.

DARIA: That was close. Too close. And I’ve been counting down the minutes until he’s out of our hair.

EXT. BOATS SAILING. IN THE RIVER, OF COURSE.

(The boats pass through the stretch of the river bordered by the Argonath, those two austere, larger-than-life king statues.)

TRENT: Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old.

JANE: (surprised) Have you, now?

TRENT: Yeah. It’s given me inspiration for a song. (starts singing) My ancestor’s race/Says get out of our face!/Makes our enemies quiver/’Cuz we will deliver/A can of whoopass!

DARIA: It’s not exactly “I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew...”

(Trent looks oddly at her.)

DARIA: (quickly) But it will do just fine.

(Trent smiles and continues singing. Daria and Jane look at each other and repress a groan. It’s going to be a looong boatride.)

EXT. AMON HEN. A NEW SET OF WOODS TO DEAL WITH.

(Daria wanders alone in the woods. Upchuck happens upon her as he is gathering firewood.)

UPCHUCK: Well, well, well, my long-legged lynx, you shouldn’t be wandering alone.

DARIA: Stuff it, Upchuck.

UPCHUCK: Rroww! Feisty! But now that we’re in more...ahem...intimate surroundings...

DARIA: Don’t you dare come near me.

UPCHUCK: You can’t fight it any longer! Smoldering passion is our fate!

(Upchuck lunges at her. Daria kicks him in the groin, hard. He doubles over in pain. She smirks.)

DARIA: So glad the narrator let me keep my boots. (looks around) Well, I suppose I’d better be getting along before those orcs get here. Let me just orient myself--

(Daria slips on the ring. The tower of Barad-Dur, complete with big orange eye, zooms in. Daria removes the ring.)

DARIA: Okay. Southeast.

(She starts to walk, but freezes at the sound of footsteps crashing over brush. Daria relaxes (well, somewhat) when Trent comes into view, bearing Upchuck’s shield.)

TRENT: Daria! There you are!

DARIA: (pleased, but hides it) You were looking for me?

TRENT: Yeah. We wondered where you went, especially when we noticed that that Upchuck guy was gone, too. He left his shield. Idiot.

DARIA: You’ll find him a few yards to the right, recovering.

(Trent looks at her with admiration.)

TRENT: Wow, Daria. I guess I should have known that you could take care of yourself. You’re the most capable person I’ve ever met.

DARIA: (blushing furiously) Umm...thanks. Well, I’ve got to go to Mordor now. By myself.

TRENT: (nodding) Yeah...I remember. I saw the movie, too.

(Trent reaches out and enfolds Daria in a hug. After a moment’s hesitation, she returns it. Eventually, he moves a little apart from her and looks into her eyes.)

TRENT: Be careful out there.

DARIA: (meeting his gaze) I will.

(There is an awkward pause. They continue looking at each other, still embracing slightly. Then the ground begins to rumble and many footsteps are heard. The orcs are coming. They quickly break apart.)

TRENT: Run.

DARIA: (not ready to leave) But--

TRENT: Run!

(Trent turns and draws his sword. Daria hangs her head in despair.)

DARIA: I hate my life. I wish this stupid quest had never come to me.

(Bitter, but resigned, she slowly begins to make her way back to the river. Meanwhile, Trent walks over to Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: (shakily standing up) Oh, thank God you’re here! And you’ve brought my shield!

(Trent hits Upchuck on the head with the shield and he crumples to the ground, unconscious.)

TRENT: (darkly) That was for what you tried to do to Daria.

(Humming, Trent hides behind a tree and leaves him to the orcs. The orcs are commanded by Ms. Barch (Lurtz) to riddle Upchuck with arrows because he is a scummy man. Just after Upchuck is put out of his misery, Stacy and Tiffany wander onscreen, talking.)

STACY: So then Quinn told Paula Parsky that her black underwear was showing through her white pants...(5)

TIFFANY: That’s sooo wrong.

BARCH: There are the halflings! (the orcs aim their bows at them) No, don’t shoot them, you idiots, they’re women! Just pick them up and let’s go!

(The orcs scoop up the two girls, toss them over their shoulders, and carry them off.)

STACY/TIFFANY: No! Aaaah! Help!!

TRENT: Oh, great.

EXT. BACK ON THE BANKS OF THE RIVER ANDUIN.

(Daria emerges from the forest. Jane is already sitting in one of the boats.)

DARIA: Aren’t you supposed to come after me?

JANE: Eh, since I knew in advance that Sam goes with Frodo, I decided to skip the rush.

DARIA: (Mona Lisa smile) Well, to Morder we go, I suppose. It’s just too bad that we’ll miss seeing Upchuck’s mangled body going over the falls.

JANE: Yeah...Hey, we haven’t heard from the narrator for awhile. Why don’t we take a five minute rest?

NARRATOR: Oh, hey. Sorry, had to leave for a moment. Bathroom break. So what’d I miss?

DARIA: Nothing important.

JANE: Just a heartwarming goodbye between Frodo and Aragorn.

DARIA: (stunned) How did you know?

JANE: I saw a little of it before I decided to beat you to the boat. It was quite cute, really. Heavy awww factor.

DARIA: Damn you, Lane. And damn you, too, sadistic narrator.

NARRATOR: Hey, I had to throw in something to keep the shippers happy.

JANE: What about Tom, then?

NARRATOR: I figured since Tom Bombadil was left out of the movie, why not leave out Tom Sloane from the crossover?

DARIA: And pass up another opportunity to torture me? You’re getting soft.

NARRATOR: I wouldn’t start singing praises yet. You never know what will happen...there’s still The Two Towers and The Return of the King.

DARIA: I’m really going to have to do something about this mouth before it kills me.

JANE: If Mordor doesn’t first.

DARIA: If only I was that lucky. Too bad I couldn’t pilot this boat over those nearby falls.

EXT. BACK ON THE RIVER BANKS ALL OVER AGAIN.

(Trent, Quinn, and Sandi unceremoniously dump Upchuck in an empty boat and shove him away from the riverbank in the direction of the falls.)

SANDI: So it’s true, then, that Stacy and Tiffany have been kidnapped?

QUINN: We’ve got to get them back!

(Trent looks extremely pained at the prospect of having to spend time with the fashettes. He glances longingly at Daria and Jane as they exit the boat and disappear into the trees on the other side of the river.)

SANDI: Oh, let them go. That ring was tacky, anyway. Yellow gold is so last season.

TRENT: I guess holding true to each other is out of the question. (BT) Well...I guess we have to go rescue them. Leave all that can be spared behind.

SANDI: Not my eyelash curlers!

QUINN: What about my ultra-sonic jewelry cleaner? (6)

TRENT: (eyes narrowed) Everything. Or stay behind and starve to death. Whatever.

(Quinn and Sandi follow him, grumbling.)

TRENT: (brandishing sword) Let’s hunt some orc! (BT) I always wanted to say that.

QUINN: (spitefully) You said it at the wrong time.

TRENT: Oh, shut up...Daria’s sister.

(Sandi smirks as Quinn steams.)

EXT. ROCKY CHASM OF EMYN MUIR. FLAMES SHOOT FROM MORDOR’S NEARBY MOUNTAINTOPS.

DARIA: So this is Doom.

JANE: Mount Doom, or our doom?

DARIA: (deadpan) “Even the wisest cannot tell.”

JANE: Ha, ha, funny girl. Another lembas?

DARIA: What the hell. (eats one)

JANE: At least we don’t have to see the fashettes or Upchuck again.

NARRATOR: Is that so?

DARIA: You’re evil.

NARRATOR: Being evil is so much fun.

DARIA: Someday you’ll pay for this.

NARRATOR: Perhaps...but until then, on to Mordor!

(Daria sighs resignedly.)

DARIA: Let’s go.

(Daria and Jane start making their way into the chasm.)

JANE: Poor Trent...stuck with Quinn and the rest.

DARIA: Yeah. I’d say we got the lucky end of the deal. We only have to face orcs.

(Jane smirks. They walk in silence.)

DARIA: Jane?

JANE: Yeah, Daria?

DARIA: I’m glad you’re with me.

CUE ENYA.

THOSE DREADED FOOTNOTES

(1) An homage to Crazy Nutzo’s terrific Wizard of Oz parody “Through the Rainbow.” First fanfic I ever read.

(2) Phrase taken from Cassandra Claire’s LOTR Very Secret Diary series. It was too good to pass up, especially with lecherous Upchuck as Boromir.

(3) Another homage, this time to Austin Covello’s fanfic “The Musician’s New Muse,” where the author implies Sandi may treat Quinn the way she does because she’s secretly attracted to her.

(4) Homage again, to M Man’s story “Strange Bedfellows.” Daria makes this same threat to Jane.

(5) For all you trivia nuts, this was taken from the Daria Diaries. This was in the minutes of the Fashion Club Meeting.

(6) Yet another suggestion gleaned from M Man’s story “Strange Bedfellows” where Daria states that “Quinn’s traveling light, she left the ultrasonic jewelry cleaner at home.” Damn, that was a great fanfic.

Feel free to email me at wemple@hartford.edu with any comments. Please, no flames. It’s just a story.