Hell Hath No Fury
By
Danny Bronstein
(based on "Carrie")
by Danny Bronstein
trotsky@loop.comSpecial thanks to Katherine Goodman of alt.lawndale.com for her invaluable advice for the prom scene.
Time: Daria's senior year.
Scene 1: The Lawndale High gym, during Girls' Volleyball. On one team is Daria, Stacy, Tiffany, and Patricia Salas, an attractive and popular girl who is also this vicious bully. Patricia has long blond hair, dark eyes and is pretty tall. Jane, Sandy and some other girls are on the other team. The other girls are really into the game, but Daria is standing in the corner of the court. The ball bounces past her on the left. She holds out her left arm and smirks.
Patricia: Oh, nice job, nerd girl.
Stacy: What's the score?
(silence)
Stacy: Has anyone been counting?
Daria: 1-9, I think.
Tiffany: Uh, like, Quinn's cousin, or whatever? Do you think you could, like, put in a little effort or something?
Stacy: Whose serve?
Tiffany: Ours.
(Stacy serves the ball, the game continues while Daria continues to stand in the corner. The ball heads toward Daria. Stacy and Tiffany lunge for it but crash into each other and fall, and the ball bounces past Daria on the right. Daria holds out her right arm and smirks.)
Patricia: Stupid dork! What the hell is your problem?
(bell rings.)
Sandy: Final score is 1-10. We win!
Scene 2: Daria and Jane enter the locker room.
Jane: I think I finally know the strategy to winning volleyball, and that is to not be on the same team as you.
Daria: Good one.
(Daria and Jane walk past Patricia.)
Patricia: You cost us the game, fucking dork!
Daria: Go to hell, Patricia.
Patricia: Hey! I'm talking to you!
(runs after Daria and Jane.)
Jane: Uh-oh.
(Patricia shoves Daria. Daria shoves Patricia back. This gets the attention of practically every girl in the locker room.)
Girls: (chanting) Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
(Patricia tries to hit Daria. Daria moves her head to dodge what's coming, and all of a sudden Patricia goes flying into the wall, and lands on the floor with a nosebleed.)
Girl: What the hell was that?
(suddenly the coach comes over)
Coach: What the hell's going on over here? (to Patricia and Daria) You two! Principal's office, now!
Daria: But I didn't even...
Coach: NOW!!
Scene 3: Daria and Patricia sit in Principal Li's office.
Li: I've received a report that the two of you were in a fight today in First Period.
Daria: She started it.
Li: I don't care! We don't tolerate fights here in school, Ms. Morgendorffer. If the two of you have a problem, you settle it OUTSIDE of school. We can't have students running around on school grounds giving each other bloody noses. Do I make myself clear, Ms. Morgendorffer? Ms. Salas?
Daria and Patricia: Yeah.
Li: Therefore, I'm suspending you both for a day.
Daria: Just like that? You aren't going to investigate the cause of the fight or who was at fault?
Li: Suspended for a day!
(Daria and Patricia exit the office with their suspension notices. Patricia glares at Daria as she walks away.)
Scene 4: Jane's room. Jane and Daria are watching "Sick Sad World".
TV: Is an army of goat-riding midgets armed with caulking guns threatening to invade the U.N. Building? A Sick Sad World exclusive, next.
Daria: Of course it's an exclusive. No other show could possibly sink that low.
(pause)
Jane: So, you got suspended. You are like the last person on Earth I'd expect to get suspended.
Daria: It's that stupid Patricia's fault. She's been getting on my case all year.
Jane: Well, I guess she's one of those people who make life hell for you in high school, and who you then laugh at at your reunion when you're a big success and she's still a cashier. At least that's the way I see it.
Daria: I know what you mean. You know what I don't quite get? How did she lose her balance and slam into the wall like that? It was almost like something... pushed her.
Jane: Maybe you have powers. Supernatural powers.
Daria: Yeah, right.
Jane: I don't know. Like, see that easel over there? Concentrate on it, and let's see if it falls over.
Daria: Well, OK...
(Daria looks at the easel, concentrates on it, and it falls over. Daria and Jane are shocked.)
Daria and Jane: Oh. My. God.
Scene 5: A car, at Lovers' Lane. Patricia is making out in the backseat with her boyfriend, Vinnie Barbarino. {little John Travolta reference there, ha-ha.}
Patricia: Vinnie... I need you to do me a big, big favor.
Vinnie: Anything, babe.
Patricia: I really hate Daria Morgendorffer.
Vinnie: (stops what he's doing) What?
Scene 6: Daria is in her room, reading a book on the supernatural. The page she's on is about telekinesis. Quinn walks in and stands in the doorway.
Quinn: Daria?
Daria: What?
Quinn: Boy, your room still looks like this?
Daria: What do you want, Quinn?
Quinn: Daria, could you do my homework for me? I have a date.
Daria: No, Quinn.
Quinn: Please? I'll pay you.
Daria: No, Quinn!
Quinn: PLEEEESE?
Daria: I said NO!
(Door automatically slams shut right in Quinn's face.)
Quinn: Ow! My nose!
Daria: Sorry, Quinn. (grins)
Scene 7: Homeroom when Daria returns to school.
PA: Attention Lawndale High seniors. This is Jodie Landon, your senior class representative. Tickets to the prom have started to go on sale. Buy them now while they're cheap, because they're selling fast.
Daria: Ah, the prom. Last chance to see posers in action before you graduate.
Jane: You're going?
Daria: Gee, Jane, in the 3 years you've known me, do I look like the type of person to attend something like that? What about you? Are you going?
Jane: If they let me bring my sketch book, maybe.
Scene 8: The dinner table. The family is eating (surprise!) lasagna, Jake is reading a newspaper.
Quinn: So, Zachary O'Brien asked me to be his prom date. He's a senior. And the best thing is, since I'm going, I get to nominate myself for Prom Queen! Wouldn't it be great if I win, and then win again when I go next year?
Helen: That's great, honey. Right, Jake?
Jake: Mmh.
Helen: Jake, were you listening?
Jake: Of course! It's great that you're going to the Homecoming.
Quinn: Prom, Dad.
Jake: Right. (mutters) Dammit.
Helen: What about you, Daria? Are you going?
Daria: I don't think so, Mom.
Helen: Why not? Don't have a date?
Daria: Well, I --
Helen: Because one of our biggest clients has a son about your age whom you could take. His name is Charles Ruttheimer.
(Daria gets shocked and her glass of juice tips over all by itself.)
Daria: Uh, sorry. I'll clean that up.
Helen: In fact, you'll be doing me a big favor if you take his son to the prom. It could really help me get to senior partner at the firm.
Quinn: (grinning) That's an excellent idea. Don't you agree, Daria?
Daria: No, I'd really rather not.
Helen: Why not?
Quinn: Yeah, Daria, it's not like you have other plans for Prom Night.
Daria: Tell you what. If I don't find another date for the Prom, I'll think about it.
Quinn: Sh'yeah, good luck.
Helen: Quinn!
Scene 9: Daria and Jane are talking on the phone.
Daria: So now I have to find a date for the Prom, or go with the class pervert. How's that for tough luck?
Jane: Wow. Only one person can save you now.
Daria: You don't mean...
Cut to the Lane basement, where Mystik Spiral is practicing.
Trent: The prom? I don't know. I didn't even go to mine.
Daria: Come on, Trent. Please? Save me from a fate worse than death?
Jane: Yeah, Trent, it's not like you'll be doing anything that night.
Trent: Well, OK, I guess.
Daria: Thanks. (hugs him)
Jane: Hey Jesse, wanna go with me?
Jesse: Sure.
Jane: Great!
Daria: The Fantastic Four are back.
Trent: Do we have to dress up or anything? All I have is what I wear to my job interviews.
Jane: You haven't worn that in years, Trent. I don't think it fits anymore. You have some money saved up. Why don't you rent a tux?
Trent: Fine. (sighs) So long, new amp.
Scene 10: Jodie and Brittany are shopping for prom dresses.
Jodie: Did you know that Daria and Jane are going to the Prom? And they're bringing dates.
Brittany: Really? Them? But they're not attractive or popular! Who could they possibly be bringing?
Brittany is talking to Kevin.
Brittany: Kevie, did you know Daria and Jane are going to the Prom with dates?
Kevin: No way!
Kevin talks to Joey, Jeffy and Jamie.
Kevin: Dudes! Guess who's coming to the Prom with dates! Daria and Jane!
Joey: No way!
Jeffy: Them?
Jamie: But they seem like total geeks!
The 3 J's talk to the Fashion Club.
Jeffy: So, like, Quinn's cousin and her friend are going to the prom with dates!
Sandy: Like, no way!
Stacy: That is, like, so weird!
Tiffany: I didn't even know guys looked at them.
The word spreads among all the popular people, finally coming to...
Patricia: Oh, this is just too good. (grins)
Scene 11: A farm before Prom Night.
Patricia: Dammit, Vinnie, will you hurry the hell up? We don't have forever!
Vinnie: Just a second!
(A pig squeals in pain.)
Scene 12: Prom night. Quinn sits on the couch, waiting for her date. she's wearing a shimmering pink dress, knee-length, very swingy and movable. It has thick straps at the shoulder, and a low back with crisscriss lacing. Daria comes down the stairs in her dress. She's wearing a floor-length vintage gown, cream-colored, lots of layers of silk and beaded bodice and overlay. Spaghetti straps. Sort of a 1940s ball gown.
Quinn: Wow, Daria. That's impressive, even for you.
Daria: Likewise, Quinn.
Quinn: I still can't believe you managed to find a date. Of course, that doesn't mean people aren't going to laugh at you there...
Daria: What do you mean?
Quinn: Well, I mean, just imagine. YOU at a prom. You'd just seem so out of place there. They're all going to laugh at you.
Daria: That's mean, Quinn.
Quinn: I'm just saying it the way it is. (doorbell rings) Ooh, there's my date. Remember, Daria. They're all going to laugh at you. (Gets up to leave. As she walks through a doorway, the door slams shut in her face.)
Quinn: Ow!!
Daria: Jeez, Quinn! Be careful! Don't want to break that thing and ruin your future modeling career.
(Quinn scowls at Daria and leaves.)
At the door, Quinn meets her date. He's a handsome guy in a tux with brown hair like Skyler Feldman in "Pinch Sitter".
Zack: Hey, Quinn. You ready to go? My limo's waiting.
Quinn: Sure!
Jake: (entering with camera) Hey hey, there's the happy couple now! Let's take a few pictures.
Quinn: Well, OK.
(Zack and Quinn smile as Jake takes the pictures.)
After Quinn and Zack leave, the doorbell rings again and Daria answers. It's Jane, with Jesse and Trent. Jesse and Trent are wearing black tuxes, Jane is in a long, shimmering blue/purple/green chameleon-colored dress with spaghetti straps, form-fitting with a slit up the back.
Jane: Hey hey, Marilyn from the neck down, Manson from the neck up. You ready?
Daria: Sure. Let's get this over with. Hey, I see you brought your sketchbook.
Jane: Makes it all worth it.
(Helen comes to the door.)
Helen: Hello there! (to Trent) You must be Charles.
Daria: Uh, no, Mom. Remember? I said I wasn't going with Charles.
Trent: Hi. I'm Trent.
Helen: Nice to meet you... Trent. (shakes his hand)
(Jake comes over.)
Jake: Hey hey, you must be Daria's date! Put 'er there! (raises his hand in a pathetic attempt to hi-five, then lowers it awkwardly when Trent fails to respond.)
Trent: Hi, I'm Trent. Nice to meet you.
Jake: Hey, let's take some pictures!
Daria: Oh, Dad, do we have to?
Jake: Come on, it'll be... how do you kids say it? Rad!!
(Daria and Trent get close together and smile awkwardly as Jake takes their picture. Jake then takes a picture of the couple with Jane and Jesse, who seem more comfortable.)
Helen: So, do you and Daria go to the same school?
Trent: Actually, I already graduated.
Jake: Oh. College man, eh?
Daria: NoActuallyDadHe'sAMusicianComeOnTrentWeGottaGoByeMomByeDad!
(drags Trent away by the arm.)
Trent: Nice meeting you both!
Jane: Bye.
Jesse: Nice meeting you!
(The door closes.)
Helen: Interesting taste in men, that girl has.
Daria, Trent, Jane and Jesse walk to Trent's car.
Jane: Boy, someone's in a hurry.
Daria: Can there be anything more humiliating than that?
(A group of joggers with the word FORESHADOWING written on their sweatshirts run by.)
Jane: Relax, Daria. At least it's better than having your date see your dad passed out on a beanbag chair.
Daria: You have Jesse for a date and you found that humiliating?
Scene 13: Daria, Trent, Jane and Jesse arrive at the prom. They're the only ones who didn't come in limos. Inside, Trent runs into a familiar face.
Trent: Mr. DiMartino?
Mr. D: Ah, Trent Lane. What a pleasant SURPRISE. I pray your endless dozing off in my class has PAID OFF somehow?
Trent: I don't know about now, but a few years from now when my music career takes off, you'll wish you didn't think so low of me.
Mr. D: Right, Trent. I look FORWARD to that day.
Trent: Me too, Mr. DiMartino. Me too.
Meanwhile, Quinn runs into the Fashion Club. Sandi is wearing a mint-green satin dress with a wrap to match. Thick shoulder straps, medium front cut. Stacy is wearing a lavender strapless crepe gown with a long skirt and matching wrap. Tiffany is wearing a pale blue dress.
Quinn: Sandi? Staci? Tiffany? You got dates for the prom too?
Staci: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Quinn: Did... any of you nominate yourselves for Prom Queen?
Sandi: I did.
Stacy: You did? Me too!
Tiffany: Wow, so did I!
Quinn: Hey, me too! But if I may say so, you're going down.
Sandi: No, you're going down!
Stacy: Oh, you two are so going down!
Tiffany: No, you three are going down!
(They continue to argue like this for a while.)
Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse are approached by Patricia.
Patricia: Daria! Gee, what a surprise! (looks at Trent) This your date? Jeez, he looks almost old enough to be your father!
Daria: You would know, Patricia. Considering how old your parents probably were when they had you.
Patricia: Good one, Daria. Hey, don't embarass yourself. See you around. (leaves.)
Daria: Boy, she was subdued. Hope she's not planning anything.
Ominous organ music plays.
Jodie comes over. She's wearing a pale silver ankle-length gown. Tight bodice, loose skirt, satin, with a high neck and cap sleeves. Low-cut in the back.
Jodie: Hey, Daria. Hey Jane.
Daria and Jane: Hey, Jodie.
Jodie: Who are your dates?
Trent: I'm Trent.
Jesse: I'm Jesse.
Jodie: Nice to meet you both. (to Jane, Trent and Jesse, handing them paper and pencils) Be sure to vote for Prom King and Queen.
Daria: Don't I get one?
Jodie: Nominees don't get to vote.
Daria: I'm nominated?
Jodie: Didn't you know?
Daria: No. Let me see that. (takes Jane's.) Well, I'll be damned. Who could have nominated me? Was it you, Jane?
Jane: I didn't even know about it. Maybe it was Patricia.
Daria: I don't know. Patricia's running too. Anyway, the prank would seem kind of pointless. It's not like I'm going to win or anything.
Jane: True.
Jodie: I'll see you guys later. (leaves.)
Daria: Bye. (hands form back to Jane, who starts filling in the votes.)
Daria: Who are you voting for Prom Queen?
Jane: You, of course.
Daria: Jane!
Jane: Come on, Daria. It's not like you'll win anyway. Besides, I'd rather vote for you than anyone else on this list.
Daria: Thanks, I guess.
Upchuck, wearing a blue tuxedo, comes over with his date, a sexy-looking bleached blonde who is a head taller than him and wears a short black cocktail dress.
Upchuck: Evening, ladies. I'd like you to meet my date.
Date: (woodenly) Hi. I'm Jeannie.
Daria: Wow. She's quite a catch.
Jane: How did you two meet?
Jeannie: (woodenly) We, uh... met at the beach. Carl here...
Upchuck: Charles!
Jeannie: Charles here just... swept me off my feet. Yeah.
Jane: Interesting. (Jane and Daria smirk at each other in disbelief.)
Upchuck: Could you excuse us?
(Upchuck drags Jeannie away.)
Upchuck: Look, babe. I'm paying you $300. The least you could do is be convincing and make me look good.
Jeannie: (sullenly) Sorry, Kyle.
Upchuck: Charles!!
A chubby guy comes by collecting ballots, Jane, Trent and Jesse give him theirs, then don't notice as he hands all the ballots to a group of girls under the stage.
"Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey starts playing. Various couples get on the floor to dance. This includes Jane and Jesse, leaving Trent and Daria alone together by the wall.
Trent: Having fun?
Daria: Oh, yeah. It's a blast. Much better than staying home and watching Sick Sad World.
Trent: Wanna dance?
Daria: Well, I've been thinking, and...
Trent: Yeah?
Daria: No.
Trent: Oh. OK.
Daria: Aw, hell, why not?
Daria and Trent get on the dance floor and hold each other, swaying back and forth. At another part of the floor are Kevin and Brittany. Brittany is wearing the "Cinderella prom look": peach sleeveless dress with huge full skirt and matching peach gloves and shoes.
Kevin: Brittany, I'm bored. Wanna go to my car?
Brittany: No, Kevin! Wait till I'm elected Prom Queen. Then we'll have some fun. (grins)
Kevin: (grinning back) Oh. I see.
Meanwhile, Daria and Trent, while dancing, look into each other's eyes. They move their heads forward to kiss, then when they're about to, the song ends and they stop. Jodie comes up to the podium.
Jodie: OK, everyone, listen up! The votes are in! The winner for this year's Prom King is... (drumroll as she opens envelope) Kevin Thompson!
(Cheers as Kevin struts toward the stage. The football players hoot and holler.)
Jodie: And the Queen is... (drumroll. Brittany looks with wide eyed anxiety. Quinn, Sandy, Stacy and Tiffany cross their fingers.) Daria Morgendorffer!
Quinn: What??
Sandy: What??
Stacy: What??
Tiffany: What??
Brittany: (angrily) Oooooooh!!
Patricia: (Grins maliciously.)
(After some hesitation, the crowd claps and cheers. Daria and Jane are totally dazed.)
Daria: Jeez, you must have been the only one who voted!
Jodie: Will Daria Morgendorffer please come up?
Jane: I think you better go up there, Daria.
Daria: But I don't get it! How could I have won?
Jane: I don't know, but you did. I guess people out there like you.
(Daria heads toward the stage as everyone cheers for her. She notices Brittany and the Fashion Club's angry faces. Then she sees Patricia's face and senses that something must be wrong. Warily she gets to her spot on the stage and is handed the bouquet and crowned. Meanwhile, one of Patricia's friends starts pulling on a rope behind the stage. Jane, who is sketching the event, notices the rope moving above Daria's head. The rope leads to a bucket.)
Jane: Daria, look out!
(The bucket tips over and blood spills all over Daria, drenching her and ruining her prom dress. Kevin looks in confusion. Jane, Trent and Jesse look in horror, others look in horror or shake their heads. The Fashion Club laughs. Brittany laughs. Patricia's friends laugh. Patricia finds this especially funny.)
Patricia: Ha-ha! Stupid dork!
Jodie: What the hell is that?
Trent: Daria! Are you OK?
(Then an actual dead pig falls. Daria sees it coming and uses her power to move it to her left. It flattens Kevin.)
Brittany: Oh my God! Kevin! Are you all right?
Patricia: Dammit!!
(Suddenly a balloon pops. More balloons pop. Everything glass starts to break, including one of Daria's own lenses. Everyone in the room is really startled now, except Daria, who just stands on stage expressionlessly, wearing the soaked dress and the crown. The PROM 1999 banner rips in half. Then flames start going up everywhere, eventually the sprinkler system kicks in.)
Principal Li: OK, everyone single file out of the gym! Nothing to see here!
(The crowd starts to leave. Everyone is wet. Daria continues to stand on stage. Her face is still totally expressionless.)
Jesse: Jane! What are you doing?
Jane: (sketching) Hold on! I'm almost done! Just let me draw the flames. Man, I've never seen anything like this!
(The crowd continues to empty. The gym is an inferno now. There is a close-up shot of Daria, and the fire reflects in her glasses like in "Teachings of Don Jake". She is MAD. Ms. Barch, as she's running out, yells "You go girl!")
Trent: You two wait by the car. I'm going to go in there and get her.
(Trent runs toward the stage through the flames, narrowly missing falling debris.)
Trent: Daria! You can stop now! It's over!
Daria: Whew. That felt good.
Trent: Yeah, nothing like setting fire to a gym after getting humiliated. Come on! (picks her up and carries her out the back exit.)
Scene 14: Trent's car as everyone heads home. Trent and Daria sit in the front seat, Jane and Jesse are in the back.
Jane: Daria, if you don't mind me saying so, what you did up on that stage was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Daria: Thanks. (sighs) This dress is ruined. What a waste of my parents' money.
Jane: Here. I think you should have this. (hands Daria the sketch)
Daria: Wow. You got the flames and everything! Thank you.
(Car stops in front of Daria's house.)
Daria: OK, thanks. I'll see you all later.
Jane: See ya.
Jesse: Bye.
(Daria gets out.)
Trent: I'll be back in a second. (Gets out)
Jane: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Jesse: Hope so. (look at each other slyly)
Trent: Daria! Wait!
Daria: Yes?
Trent: Daria, um... about what happened on the dance floor, you know... between us...
Daria: Yeah, I know. We should do it again sometime.
Trent: Yeah. Want to go to a movie or something this weekend?
Daria: You mean tomorrow?
Trent: Even better!
Daria: Sure. That would be great. Um, sorry about the blood stains on your front seat.
Trent: Oh, that's OK.
Daria: I'll see you.
Trent: Bye.
(Daria enters the house)
Helen and Jake are in the living room when Daria enters.
Helen: Aaaaaaah!
Jake: Daria! Are you all right?
Daria: Fine, Dad. I just need a shower.
Helen: What happened?
Daria: Mom, Dad, promise me you will never again under any circumstances make me go to a dance again. Quinn will explain.
Later that night, Daria is watching TV in her bathrobe while eating yogurt.
TV: Following the mysterious fire in the Lawndale High gym during the high school prom, authorities say the school will be closed until further notice. The principal, Ms. Angela Li, was unavailable for comment.
(Quinn enters the room.)
Daria: Well, Quinn, you were right. They laughed at me. It was humiliating. I hope this incident doesn't damage your popularity.
Quinn: N-no, Daria. It's just fine. Everything's just fine. (runs.)
Scene 15: The pizza place. Jane and Daria are eating at a table.
Jane: Well, Daria, we have no school, your sister's terrified of you, you're dating my brother, and you have a really cool psychic power. I think things are going pretty well for you.
Daria: Actually, I don't have the power any more. After the incident at the prom, it doesn't seem to work any more. I guess it was just temporary or I used it up or something.
(Patricia and her friends enter the restaurant.)
Daria: Hey Patricia! How's it going?
Patricia: H-h-hey, D-Daria. Uh... we were just l-leaving. (Runs away in terror. Her friends follow.)
Daria: But other than that, you're right, Jane.
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