"Fast Times at Lawndale High"
by Danny Bronstein

SETTING: Lawndale, 1995
(2 years before Daria moved in)
Trent is a senior, Jane is in the 8th grade.

PART 1

Scene 1: Lawndale High, January 15, 1995. The Tank parks in the student parking lot. Jesse is the first to get out. Shelly Van Horn, Trent's girlfriend, follows. She stands about 5'5, short ruffled brown hair, 3 earrings in each ear, white shirt, red flannel shirt tied around her waist, gray courduroy pants, combat boots.

Jesse: Yeah, man, only one semester left! WOOO!

Shelly: Who's your English teacher this year? I got this new guy, O'Neill.

Jesse: Yeah, me too. Hope he's not like the last guy.

Shelly: Mr. Franklin? Yeah, that guy was a tough grader. I wonder what happened to him.

Jesse: He died, remember? The guy was, like, 90.

Shelly: You know what the weird thing was? I hear he never forgot a name. Like, he went to the Class of 54 reunion, and still remembered who everyone was.

Jesse: Weird.

Shelly: So what's up with Trent?

Jesse: I don't know. I think he's asleep again. Hey Trent! Wake up! It's time for school!

(no response.)

Shelly: Trent!

Jesse: Hey Trent!

Shelly: Trent! The van's on fire!

(Trent leaps up, stumbles out of the van and lands on his face. Trent's hair is noticeably longer and kind of falls over his eyes. Also he has kind of a more developed goatee.)

Shelly: (giggling) Are you all right, Trent?

Trent: Dammit, don't do that! The way Max maintains this van, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't a false alarm.

Shelly: Sorry.

Jesse: Trent! Look out!

Trent: Oh, nice try, JesseYIKES!

(Trent rolls over and narrowly misses getting run over by Tommy Sherman's convertible which races into the adjacent spot and stops abruptly.)

Tommy: Why don't you watch where you're going, loser? Wouldn't want to spend the weekend scraping your brains off my bumper.

(Out of the car step Tommy, Tommy's girlfriend Libby, a big-breasted blonde in a cheerleading outfit who just chews gum and stares into space; and Bobby Sherman, Tommy's brother, a freshman who is kind of short, wears a plain white shirt and baggy jean shorts, Airwalk sneakers, and has green spiky hair.)

Tommy: Let's go, babe. (slaps Libby's ass, she goes "Ooh!" and giggles. They walk away.)

Shelly: Why doesn't he just get himself a blow-up doll? He'd at least be able to have an intellectual conversation with one of those.

Bobby: Hey, Trent. Where's Nick and Max*?

(*Trent's band's bassist and drummer.)

Trent: I don't know. We were supposed to meet them. I guess they must have gotten another ride or something.

Bobby: Don't worry about my brother, dude. I know he talks all bad but he's just... well, you know.

Jesse: A colossal jerk?

Bobby: Yeah. So listen, Trent, you still up for going to Green Day on Thursday?

Trent: Sure thing. You got the tickets?

Bobby: Right here.

Trent: Then I got the ride, dude.

Scene 2: In the hallway of Milton Junior High. Jane goes to her locker. Her attire is similar to that of Angela on My So-Called Life, and her hair is dark brown and reaches her shoulders. She opens her locker, it's empty and has JANE IS A DORK spray-painted on the wall.

Jane: Not again.

(Jane goes to the nearest garbage can, digs out her books.)

Jane: Good thing they're all too stupid to realize they're following a pattern.

Scene 3: In Mr. DiMartino's class.

DiMartino: Good MORNING, class. I'm Mr. DiMartino, welcome to U.S. History 12B. In my class, there are a few RULES that we must all obey. First of all, NO EATING. It makes a mess, and this class has a serious ANT PROBLEM. Lord knows I've TRIED to talk to the principal about getting an exterminator, but nooooo, she says it's too EXPENSIVE! Of course, if she cut down on all the unnecessary SECURITY installations she could save money, but she'll never even consider that, will she? Number two, I really hope that you're all well rested, because I will NOT TOLERATE SLEEPING! And number three, and the most important rule, DON'T BE LATE!!! Are there any questions?

(Trent walks in, eating a candy bar.)

Trent: Sorry I'm late, Mr. DiMartino. Major traffic at the snack machine.

DiMartino: Ah, Trent Lane, my perennial SLOTH. Please throw that candy bar in the trash and have a seat.

Trent: What? I had to be late to class to get this candy bar!

DiMartino: Do NOT make me have to write you a referral, Mr. Lane.

Trent: (mutters) Fucking dickhead.

DiMartino: WHAT??

Trent: Nothing. (throws away candy bar)

DiMartino: Have a seat, Mr. Lane. (Trent sits down. Mr. DiMartino goes to chalkboard.) Class, we will begin our lesson on the country's major wars, which I feel is an important subject because-- (hears snoring, turns around to see Trent already asleep. Class laughs.)

(Cut to shot of school from a block away as you hear Mr. DiMartino's voice loud and clear: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!)

Scene 5: Jane's math class. The teacher, Ms. Eisler, writes a problem on the board.

Eisler: OK, can anybody tell me how to do this? Let's see... Jane?

(Jane is drawing and doesn't respond.)

Eisler: Jane... Jane, what are you doing?

Jane: Huh?

Eisler: Darn it, Jane, were you even paying attention? You were drawing again, weren't you? (walks over to her desk and picks up her drawing) What is it with you and drawing? What, you plan to be one of those... beatnik artists who make endless sketches nobody ever buys and live in extreme poverty because you can't cut it in a real job? Quit daydreaming, young lady! What have you been drawing, anyway? (looks at picture) Oh, how cute. It's a picture of me getting impaled by triangles.

Jane: Geometric triangles.

Eisler: That's it, young lady. I want you to write "I will pay attention in class" 500 times right now.

Jane: Standards? Isn't that a tad... pointless? Plus, won't it distract me from the lesson just as much as drawing?

Eisler: Don't get smart with me, young lady. You're just one step away from a trip to the principal.

(Jane sighs and gets to work on the standards. The popular girls sneer at her condescendingly.)

Scene 6: In Mr. O'Neill's class.

O'Neill: (nervously) Good... morning, students.

Student: Morning? It's two o'clock! (class laughs)

O'Neill: Heh, heh, yes, of course. Uh, I'm Mr. O'Neill, and this is my first semester here at Lawndale High, so I'm seeing lots of new faces. Of course, it will take some time before I remember your names, so it would help if you treat the seats you're sitting in now as your assigned seats. Now, let's take attendance. (takes out attendance sheet) Akbar? Jeffrey Akbar? (nobody says anything) Absent. Anderson? Jenna Anderson? (silence) Baker? Kyle Baker? (silence)

Student: Are you sure you have the right period? (class laughs. Mr. O'Neill looks at his attendance sheet and, indeed, he has the wrong one.)

O'Neill: Heh, you know what? We can take attendance later. Let's get started with the lesson. (looks frantically around his desk.) Gosh, I... seem to have misplaced my notes... (nervously) Excuse me. I'll be right back. (runs out of the class.)

Trent: (to Jesse and Shelly) Whoa. This guy's a pushover. (hi-fives Jesse)

Scene 7: Jane finishes her standards and hands them to Ms. Eisler. It's 3:00.

Jane: All done. Here you go.

Eisler: (looks over them) Very good, Jane. Now observe as I rip them apart in front of your eyes. (rips papers up and throws them away) Now, do you think you can be more attentive in class, Jane?

Jane: (through clenched teeth) No problem, Ms. Eisler.

Eisler: Very good, then. You are dismissed.

Jane walks down the hallway. She passes a group of popular girls.

Girl 1: Hey look, it's that freaky girl with no friends.

Girl 2: Hey loser, what'cha doin' Saturday night?

Girl 3: She's probably gonna stay home all alone with her (mockingly) artwork!

(girls laugh. Jane ignores them. She leaves the school and the Tank's waiting for her outside. She gets in. Trent, Jesse and Shelly are inside.)

Trent: Hey, Janey.

Jane: Hey, Trent. Hey, Shelly. (flirtatiously) Hi Jesse.

Jesse: Hey.

Jane: How was school?

Trent: Eh.

Shelly: OK.

Jesse: Whatever.

(As the van drives home, a guy with long hair and a leather jacket in a hot convertible speeds by. Jane watches him with interest.

Scene 8: At the Lane house. Trent and Jesse are practicing in the basement.

Trent: Dammit, where are Nick and Max? They were supposed to be here an hour ago!

Jesse: I dunno, dude. You wanna just practice without them for a while?

Trent: I guess. Which song?

Jesse: How about Crushing Desolation? I always liked that one.

Trent: You just like it 'cause you only have to play two chords.

Jesse: Shut up, dude.

Trent: Whatever. Come on. One, two, three, four...

(Trent and Jesse play the song, get about a quarter through.)

Jesse: Dude, have you come up with a name for the band yet?

Trent: Naw, haven't thought of one. Uh, you wanna just call it the Trent Lane Band?

Jesse: Not enough zing. We need something that is catchy the first time it's heard, but not too weird.

Trent: Do you have any ideas?

Jesse: Well, I do have one, but I don't think you'd like it.

Trent: Try me.

Jesse: How about... Hootie and the Blowfish?

Trent: Hootie and the Blowfish?! Who's gonna buy a record by a band with a name like that??

Meanwhile, Jane and Shelly are watching TV.

TV: Is the director of "Waterworld" hiring non-union fish as extras? What it will mean for the cost of the film next on Sick Sad World!

Shelly: So, Jane, how's school?

Jane: Well, I have no boyfriend, no friends for that matter, my math teacher hates me, everyone thinks I'm creepy and I have to watch my back every minute. But other than that, it's great.

Shelly: Yep, sounds like junior high to me.

Jane: I don't really care about being popular, but I just wish there was someone I could relate to. I just-- I feel so alienated, you know?

Shelly: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Jane: It's different for you, though. You have my brother and his friends. I have no one.

Shelly: Well, you just hang in there, kid. I'm sure there's someone out there for you.

Jane: Does it get any better? In high school, I mean.

Shelly: Yeah, I think they're less cruel in high school. Mostly they make fun of you behind your back.

(phone rings)

Jane: Hello? Wind, hi! Wow, really?

Meanwhile, back in the basement...

Jesse: So how's it going with Shelly?

Trent: Pretty cool, dude.

Jesse: Have the two of you, uhh... you know...

Trent: What, dude?

Jesse: Y'know, scored?

Trent: With each other?

Jesse: (sarcastically) Naww!!

Trent: Not yet.

Jesse: Why not? Have you asked her?

Trent: Well, yeah, I mean we both want to, but we can't find the time or the place. It's gotta be just right, y'know? And at my place either my parents, Jane or Penny are always home, so it's kinda' awkward, even more so where she lives.

(Jane enters the basement.)

Jane: Hey Trent! Wind got married again!

Trent: Hah! I give them a week!

Jane: (to phone) He says congratulations. (leaves)

Jesse: Hmm... Hey, I know! You can use my pad Friday Night! During the homecoming game! I'll go to the football game, my parents will be out of town, and you'll have the whole place to yourself!

Trent: Really? You'll take a football game for me?

Jesse: Hey, what are friends for? Besides, why miss Tommy Sherman's patented "running into the goalpost and hurting himself" routine?

(doorbell rings)

Jane: Trent! Pizza's here!

Trent walks to the door, pays the pizza man. Closes door.

Trent: Dude, I know that guy! That's Curtis Stalato. He's in a couple of our classes at school!

Jesse: He's working as a pizza man? Whoa, you'll never see me doing that!

Jane (thinking): Yeah, 'cause that would mean working.

Scene 9: Thursday night. Trent and Bobby are in Trent's car.

Trent: Ready, little buddy?

Bobby: Ready, dude.

Trent: Green Day, here we come.

(Tries to start the car, engine won't start.)

Trent: Damn.

Bobby: What do we do now?

Trent: Hmm... Wait! Didn't you say your brother was out of town?

Bobby: You don't mean...

Trent and Bobby are in Tommy's car. It's speeding down the highway.

Bobby: Uh, Trent, I think you were supposed to make a right. Trent?

(Bobby looks at Trent. Trent's asleep at the wheel.)

Bobby: Shit! Trent, wake up! Trent, look out!

Trent: Huh? Oh, crap!

(The car plows straight into a construction site. Trent slams on the brakes, but nonetheless the car hits several objects and gets dented everywhere.)

Bobby: Aw, man! What the hell did you do?

Trent: OK, OK, don't panic...

Bobby: My brother's gonna kill us! My brother's gonna shit, man!

Trent: Wait... Is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us?

Bobby: First he's gonna shit, THEN he's gonna kill us!

Trent: He's not coming back till tomorrow, right?

Bobby: Right...

Trent: OK, I got a plan. I'm gonna need a can of paint and a baseball bat or something like that. And you have to keep a secret. Can you keep a secret?

Bobby: Of course, Trent.

Scene 10: At Lawndale High the next day. Shots of the school: Various banners and posters saying LAWNDALE VS. GARFIELD, BEAT GARFIELD and ASSASSINATE GARFIELD.

A crowd of students watch in awe as Tommy Sherman's car pulls up. It's all beat up, the windows are broken, and slogans like GARFIELD RULES, LAWNDALE SUCKS and LAWNDALE'S GOING DOWN are graffiti'd all over it. Tommy steps out of the car and he's really mad.

Tommy: Those Garfield punks are so dead!

Scene 11: The big game Friday night. It's the Lawndale Lions vs. the Garfield Cats (although the school is named after Garfield the President, their mascot is Garfield the cat), and all the Garfield players are really intimidated by Tommy Sherman, who is simply enraged.

Sportscaster 1: And Sherman is especially aggressive on the field today... Oh, man, look at him plow into those Cats over there! I think one of them is seriously hurt!

Sportscaster 2: You know, Sherman's aggression certainly isn't hurting his team... They're already ahead by a whopping 20 points!

Bobby and Jesse are in the bleachers watching the game.

Bobby: Wow! This is great! I wish Trent was here to see this! Where is he, anyway?

Jesse: Uh... He couldn't make it. He has... y'know, homework.

Meanwhile, over at Jesse's pad...

Trent lowers Shelly onto the bed in slow motion and they make love (for those who are wondering, they are using a condom, OK?). BG music: "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd, which comes to a screeching halt 15 seconds later.

Trent: Uhh... Sorry.

Shelly: That's OK, Trent. It's your first time.

Trent: How did you know?

Back at the football game...

Sportscaster 1: And Sherman catches the ball with only 15 seconds left in the game! And he's heading for the goal... It looks like he's going to score a touchdown...

(As Tommy runs toward the goal, the crowd cheers wildly. Despite his rage he gets caught up in it and waves at them while running.)

Sportscaster 1: And he's almost there... But wait! He seems to be heading straight INTO the goalpost!

(Tommy slams into the goalpost at high speed.)

Sportscaster 2: And it's a touchdown! Lions win! But wait... It seems that Sherman is unconscious. I think he's hurt!

(Libby and the other cheerleaders run to Tommy.)

Libby: Oh my god! His nose is fractured in 3 places! Somebody call 911, I'll keep him warm.

Cheerleader: Libby, are you sure you know what you're doing?

Libby: Sh'yeah! My parents are both paramedics! What, did you think I was some... brain-dead sexpot airhead?

(The other cheerleaders look at each other.)

Scene 12: At school on Monday. "Stayin' Alive" plays in the background as Trent struts down the hallway. Jesse joins him.

Jesse: Hey man, how's it goin'?

Trent: Great.

Jesse: Finally scored, eh?

Trent: Yep.

(pause.)

Trent: Jesse?

Jesse: Yeah?

Trent: How long is sex normally supposed to last?

Jesse: I dunno. Like, 15, 20 minutes, something like that. Why, how long did it last for you?

Trent: Uhh... about that long.

Jesse: Wow, lucky you. Jeez, my first time I barely lasted a minute.

Trent: Interesting.

PART 2

Scene 1:

April 5, 1995. Milton Junior High School, during an assembly. As Jane sits drinking a soda, the girls a couple of rows back keep shooting little wads of paper at her from straws. Finally Jane gets fed up, takes her straw and blows a wad of paper back at them. It misses and hits Ms. Eisler square in the eye. Ms. Eisler screams.

Scene 2: At Lawndale High, outside Mr. O'Neill's class.

Student 1: All right, today, let's everyone sit somewhere besides where they sat before.

Student 2: Oh, man, that's brilliant! Mr. O'Neill's gonna freak!

Student 3: This is gonna be so funny!

(Mr. O'Neill arrives.)

O'Neill: Hello, class. Sorry about the delay. (Unlocks door, the class follows him and sits down at the desks.)

O'Neill: OK, today, we're going to read an article by one of my favorite writers. His work has been described as Orwellian. Can anyone describe what Orwellian means? (looks at seating chart.) Craig? Craig?

Jennifer: I'm not Craig.

Craig: I'm Craig. (class laughs.)

O'Neill: Yes, that's... very funny, class. Let's see if anyone else can answer the question. (looks at seating chart.) Jonathan?

Ben: I'm Ben.

Jonathan: I'm Jonathan. (class laughs.)

O'Neill: Well, I'm glad you find this amusing, class. Trying to confuse me like that.

Tommy: So what are YOU gonna do about it?

O'Neill: I'll have you know... (looks at seating chart, where Tommy is sitting it says "Luisa Rodriguez") ...uh, sir, that that kind of tone can get you a referral.

Tommy: Ooh, I'm so SCARED! Big bad teacher is gonna send me to the principal! (class laughs.)

O'Neill: Ahem. Moving on, Orwellian defines the style of George Orwell, who wrote stories about the dangers of a totalitarianist government. He wrote Animal Farm and Brave New World.

Shelly: Orwell didn't write Brave New World!

Jesse: Yeah, get your facts straight, dude! (class laughs.)

O'Neill: (to himself) Strange. I didn't make mistakes like that before.

Scene 3: The principal's office, at Milton Junior High. Principal Weinrib is a twitchy, nervous fellow with a balding head and thick glasses. He's sitting across from Jane and her mother, Amanda, who is seen only from the back.

Weinrib: Mrs. Lane, I'm terribly sorry to have called you in here on such short notice, but it seems that your daughter, Jane, was involved in an incident at school today that may have injured one of our faculty. She appears to have hit Ms. Eisler in the eye with a projectile of some sort.

Amanda: Jane, is this true?

Jane: I was fighting back, Mom.

Weinrib: Whatever it is you were doing, Jane, I can't guarantee you that Ms. Eisler won't try to take legal action. Mrs. Lane, we are not unaware that your daughter has been experiencing certain... problems here at Milton. Problems fitting in. We feel that it reflects a low level of self esteem, and it is for that reason that we suggest that she take a course that we're offering here at Milton for girls like her.

Amanda: You're saying you want my daughter to take a self-esteem course.

Weinrib: Yes, we feel that it will be beneficial to her. She might be able to fit in better.

Amanda: Oh, bull-shit, Mr. Weinrib. Look, you think I'm not aware that my daughter is different from the other girls? That she can't relate to them? Do you think that's based on low self-esteem?

Weinrib: Well, I--

Amanda: Girls her age are mean. They talk about nothing but makeup and boys and shun girls who don't talk about makeup and boys. Do you think that my daughter has low self esteem just because she doesn't talk about makeup and boys?

Weinrib: I feel that the other girls isolate her because of the way she carries herself.

Amanda: And you feel that a self-esteem course is going to change that.

Weinrib: Yes.

Amanda: Look, I don't know what it is my daughter did, and I can't say I defend her. But my daughter is who she is, and a self-esteem course is not going to change who she is.

Weinrib: Very well. I see your point. I too can relate to being a misfit at her age. But let me just say that you're lucky the course is voluntary here. When she goes to Lawndale High, which is closest to her house so that's where I'm assuming you'll enroll her, if she doesn't pass the psychological exam she'll have to take the course whether she likes it or not.

Amanda: Well, we'll just worry about that when the time comes. Let's go Jane. (Amanda and Jane leave.)

Jane: Thanks for defending me in there, Mom.

Amanda: Any time, honey. Now, is there a snack machine around here? I got the munchies, big time.

Scene 4: In Mr. DiMartino's class.

DiMartino: Well, class, I have your TEST scores here, and it saddens me to see such DISMAL performances from all of you. What are you kids, on DOPE? Let's see here... (picks a paper) Lisa Fredericks. You wrote that the Civil War was fought over Civil Shepard. And you, Victor, where did you learn to SPELL? You spelled Germany as J-U-R-M-O-N-Y. (class really cracks up over that.) Have you been studying at all?

(Mr. DiMartino spots Trent.)

DiMartino: Well well, it seems Mr. NO-SHOW actually decided to show. And awake, too.

Trent: (grinning) How's it going, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino: Nice to see you, Trent. OK, class, let's get started. Open your textbooks to page 232--

(a pizza man walks in.)

Pizza man: I have a delivery here for a Mr. Trent Lane...

Trent: Right here, dude. (takes pizza and pays the pizza man.)

DiMartino: Trent, what are you doing?

Trent: I ordered a pizza, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino: Why?

Trent: 'Cause I'm hungry.

DiMartino: (sighs) Trent, whose time is it right now?

Trent: Huh?

DiMartino: Whose time is it right now?

Trent: Uh, yours?

DiMartino: Oh, but that wouldn't be fair to the students, now would it? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say that it's OUR time?

Trent: I guess...

DiMartino: And being that it's OUR time, wouldn't that make this OUR pizza? Come on, class, everyone grab a slice of OUR pizza!

Trent: Hey!

(Everyone, including the teacher, grabs a slice of the pizza, which leaves Trent with nothing.)

Trent: Aw, man!

Scene 5: At the Lane residence. Jane and Penny are watching TV. Penny has long wavy black hair and wears a lot of makeup. She sort of looks Latino.

TV: (voice of Kurt Loder) On the anniversary of the death of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, we have an exclusive interview with his widow, Courtney Love.... Ms. Love, please calm down... Ms. Love... Ms. Love, could you please stop throwing feces at the camera? (Jane changes channel)

TV: (voice of that annoying NBC announcer) Tonight it's an episode of "Friends", followed by another episode of "Friends", followed by "Buddies", followed by "Chums", followed by that new comedy about pals who hang out at a coffee shop!

Jane: They truly don't know when to quit. (turns off TV)

Penny: So how's school, Jane?

Jane: Well, today the principal suggested putting me in a self-esteem class because I'm not popular. Then my mom went into this speech about how I don't need to be popular and I don't need a self-esteem class. The funny thing is, though, I kind of wonder what it's like to be popular. To not have to sit alone all the time. To have something to do with other people Saturday nights. Kind of like you were in high school.

Penny: You don't want to be like me, Jane. I hung out with the type of people who always landed me in jail.

Jane: Still do.

Penny: Hey, Miguel, Lalo and Consuela told me they were going straight. They gave me their word.

Jane: Whatever. So how's the job hunt going?

Penny: Usually it ends after the interviewer asks me if my name is a joke. Which is kind of funny since I'm not even a Beatles fan.

Jane: At least your name doesn't rhyme.

Penny: Where do our parents come up with these names for us?

Jane: Yeah, really. You know, Penny, have you ever considered trying to find work in Mexico? I mean, you speak Spanish really well and can relate to Mexicans better than anyone else. Maybe Mexico is your calling.

Penny: Hey, I think you're on to something, Jane.

Jane: I was kidding, Penny. Mexico is a third world country. You'll be miserable there.

Penny: No, seriously. Maybe I am better off in Mexico. If anything, my name won't haunt me as much there since the Beatles aren't as popular.

(sound of a car playing Ranchero music in the background.)

Voice: Hey Penny! Get your punk ass out here!

Penny: There's my ride. See ya. (runs off.)

Meanwhile, Trent and Jesse are hanging out in Trent's room. Trent is on the phone.

Trent: Hey Shelly.... Hey, I was wondering, maybe if you're not doing anything this weekend, we could go to McGrundy's or a movie... Oh, I see. Well, some other time then. See ya. (hangs up.) Dammit.

Jesse: What's up?

Trent: Shelly and I have been seeing each other less and less lately. She's always hanging out at that new cafe.

Jesse: And she never invites you there?

Trent: She keeps saying I wouldn't like it there.

Jesse: Maybe you should go there some time and check it out. I'll come with you if you like.

Trent: Sounds like a plan.

Scene 6: At Jane's school a couple of days later. As Jane approaches the school, the guy in the hot convertible with the leather jacket and the long hair drives by and Jane watches him. This time Brittany notices her. Brittany's hair is cut shorter than usual, and she wears a blue striped halter top and jean shorts.

Scene 7: In Jane's algebra class. Jane is doing her work while Ms. Eisler walks around. Ms. Eisler scowls at Jane every time she passes her, and Jane notices a huge white wad taped to her eye.

Brittany: Jane, could you help me with this problem?

Jane: What is it, Brittany?

Brittany: What comes before A?

Jane: What do you mean?

Brittany: Well, see here, where it says A minus B? What's A minus B? Is that one of those numbers that I hear they only teach you in the 11th grade?

Jane: No, Brittany. A and B are variables. It means they could mean any number.

Brittany: I don't get it.

Jane: Let's say A is 5 and B is 3. A minus B is 2. But if A is 5 and B is 1, A minus B is 4. Do you understand?

Brittany: I get it! But... What if A is 5 and B is, like, one thousand seventy-five katrillion or something? I don't even think numbers go that high!

Jane: Oh brother.

Scene 8: In the cafeteria. Jane carries her lunch tray to a table at the corner where the only other occupant is Andrea.

Jane: Mind if I sit here?

(Andrea shrugs. Jane sits down and begins to eat. A group of popular girls gather around her.)

Girl: (giggling) Hey, Jane? My friends and I have a bet.

Jane: (annoyed) What?

Girl: Are you a lesbian?

Jane: No.

Andrea: Yes she is. She made a pass at me.

Girls: (chanting) Ha ha! Lesbo! Lesbo! (run off.)

Jane: What the fuck did you do that for?

(Andrea shrugs. A moment later Brittany comes and sits down at Jane and Andrea's table, looking around to see that no one is watching.)

Brittany: Hey, Jane.

Jane: Wow, Brittany. That's pretty daring of you, sitting across from a girl who's just been outed.

Brittany: Whatever. Look, thank you for helping me in algebra. Maybe there's some way I can help you.

Jane: Oh, I don't know if you have the mental capacity for that.

Brittany: I can introduce you to that guy in the leather jacket you're always looking at.

Jane: I don't know what you're talking about.

Brittany: He eats at that diner where I waitress. Meet me there after school.

Meanwhile, at another table sit Kevin, Mack and Upchuck. Upchuck and Kevin are dressed in similar clothing and are actually built the same way. (Kevin's not much to look at without those shoulder pads, is he?) Mack is more buff.

Kevin: There she is, guys. The girl of my dreams. Chuck, you got that poem you wrote?

Upchuck: Here you go. (hands Kevin paper.)

Kevin: I'm planning on reading this to Brittany. Tell me what you think, Mack Daddy.

Mack: Don't call me that! Let me see. (looks at poem.) Kevin, please tell me these words here are typos for "curt" and "pushy". Look, why don't you just go up there and introduce yourself to her? What's the worst thing that can happen?

Kevin: You're right, Mack Daddy. I'll go talk to her right now. (gets up and leaves.)

Mack: I really wish he wouldn't call me that.

Kevin approaches Brittany.

Kevin: (broken voiced) Hey Brittany.

Brittany: Excuse me? Do I know you?

Kevin: (broken voiced) I'm Kevin. I was just wondering if you wanted to go out?

Brittany: Ugh! Get away from me, geek!

Kevin: (broken voiced) OK.

Brittany: Shoot me if I'm ever desperate enough to go out with something like him.

Scene 9: In Mrs. Barch's science class.

Barch: Class, you will each have to do a project for your final, which is on June 5. I will be grading based on effort, creativity and how informative it is.

Bobby Sherman: (to himself) Perfect! I know just the thing.

Barch: By the way, I will not be here tomorrow so you will have a substitute.

Student: How come?

Barch: My husband and I have an appointment with our marriage counselor. She says we're making excellent progress!

Scene 10: In Mr. O'Neill's class.

O'Neill: OK, class, time for your test on "Wuthering Heights". I trust you have all read chapters 1 through 3?

Student: I didn't

Another student: Me neither.

(class murmurs agreement.)

O'Neill: Did... anyone read?

Class: Nope. Uh-uh.

O'Neill: This is awful! At this rate there's no way we'll meet the district quota!

Scene 11: At a diner. Jane is dressed in Brittany's waitress outfit.

Jane: I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this...

Brittany: Come on, Jane, it's easy. Just go up there, introduce yourself, and when you give him the check, slip your phone number under it! Now go! (pushes Jane through the double doors. Jane approaches Leather Jacket Guy nervously.)

Jane: Uh, hi. I'm Jane.

Guy: Hey there, Jane. Why does your name tag say "Brittany"?

Jane: Oh, uh, it's my first day. I'm just borrowing this one until I get my own.

Guy: I see. Well, I'm Telly. Nice to meet you Jane.

Jane: Oh, uh, likewise. Um, here's your check.

Telly: Thanks. Say, Jane, are you busy Friday night? 'Cause I'm throwing a big party over at my place. Wanna come?

Jane: Sure, that'll be great.

Telly: All right then.

Jane goes back to Brittany behind the double doors.

Jane: He invited me to a party Friday night!

Brittany: That's great! Can I come with you?

Jane: I don't think he'd mind.

Brittany: All right! I love high school parties!

Jane: You've been to one?

Brittany: Oh yeah, I go to them all the time! By the way, that reminds me, how far have you gone with a guy?

Jane: Well, I made out in a movie theater once...

Brittany: That's it?

Jane: Yeah, I guess. Why?

Brittany: Oh, Jane, you really should go all the way.

Jane: You've gone all the way?

Brittany: Oh yeah, I mean come on, it's just sex.

Jane: And people don't think you're a slut or anything?

Brittany: What's a slut? I've always wondered, because people always seem to call me that. What exactly is a slut, Jane?

Jane: Is that like a rhetorical question or do you really not know?

Brittany: What's rhetorical mean?

Scene 12: In the faculty lounge at Lawndale High. Mr. O'Neill sits sullenly at a table. Mr. DiMartino sits down across from him.

DiMartino: How do you do, Tim?

O'Neill: Oh, hello Anthony.

DiMartino: How's your first semester at Lawndale going?

O'Neill: Not too well. I'm thinking of quitting.

DiMartino: Why?

O'Neill: I just can't seem to get through to the students. I don't think I'm cut out for teaching high school.

DiMartino: Well, Tim, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. See, I've been teaching here for almost 20 years, and when I started out, the students treated me the same way they do you.

O'Neill: Really? You don't seem like the kind of guy who takes that kind of punishment.

DiMartino: Back then I wasn't. I let them taunt me, torture me, I watched as they wasted their semesters because they were too rowdy to be taught. But then one day, I figured out the one thing you have to instill in them in order to get them under control. Fear.

O'Neill: Fear?

DiMartino: Fear. You can't expect them to listen to you until you let them know you're the boss. Like, you know that movie about the teacher who gets a class of tough gang kids to want to learn?

O'Neill: "To Sir With Love"?

DiMartino: No.

O'Neill: "Stand and Deliver"?

DiMartino: No.

O'Neill: "Dangerous Minds"?

DiMartino: No, no, no, that one with Tom Berenger.

O'Neill: "The Substitute"?

DiMartino: Yeah, that's the one. I take as my inspiration the guy from that movie.

O'Neill: That's a disturbing thought.

DiMartino: Maybe so, but it helps. Trust me.

O'Neill: OK... Got any place I can start?

DiMartino: Come with me.

O'Neill and DiMartino stand in a grassy field with a tree stump. Mr. DiMartino has an air rifle.

DiMartino: When a student is getting on my nerves, I like to come here. (digs through his briefcase and takes out several enlarged student photos.) Let's see here... Ah, OK. Here's one of my favorites. (takes out a photo of Trent.) Trent Lane. Do you know him?

O'Neill: I think he's in my sixth period class. Usually he sleeps through it.

DiMartino: That's him all right. Rarely shows up, but when he does, he's always late, and he always decides to eat in class or doze off. One of those passive-aggressive types. (goes to the tree stump and pins Trent's picture on, then goes back to Mr. O'Neill, takes his rifle and aims it at the picture.)

DiMartino: See, the only way (BLAM!) that I keep (BLAM!) from going psycho at someone like him (BLAM!) is by taking out my aggression here. (BLAM!) Wanna try it?

O'Neill: Oh, I don't know if I can...

DiMartino: Come on, Tim. Surely there must be some student who really gets on your nerves.

O'Neill: Uh, hmm... Got a picture of that guy who's the quarterback? Always runs into the goalposts during games?

DiMartino: Tommy Sherman? Sure, here you go. (pins picture of Tommy to the tree stump, comes back and gives rifle to Mr. O'Neill.) Take your best shot.

O'Neill: (aiming) So, Tommy Sherman. Mr. Hotshot Quarterback. (BLAM!) Always making sarcastic comments about everything I say and do. (BLAM!) Always mocking me. (BLAM!) Think you're so tough, huh? (BLAM!) Well, I don't think you're so tough. (BLAM!) I think you're just full of hot air. (BLAM!) In fact, I hope that stupid goalpost falls on you one day. (BLAM!) Crushes your skull. (BLAM!) Breaks every bone in your sorry arrogant body. (BLAM!) You think that's funny? (BLAM!) Do ya? (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!)

DiMartino: Whoa, I think that's enough, Tim.

(DiMartino and O'Neill look at the picture, all the shots hit dead center and there's barely anything left of Tommy's head.)

DiMartino: Not bad. You're on your way.

Scene 13: Friday night. At the Lane residence.

Jane: Trent, I'm going to Telly's party with Brittany.

Trent: OK, have a good time. (Jane leaves.)

Jesse: You ready, Trent?

Trent: Let's go.

Trent and Jesse walk down a street. They pass a newsstand. They recognize the clerk there.

Jesse: Dude, that was Curtis Stalato! He has a few classes with us!

Trent: He's working at a newsstand? Whoa, that's one thing you won't see me doing.

(they reach a cafe.)

Trent: Let's see what Shelly's up to.

Trent and Jesse enter the cafe. Shelly is up on the stage singing a rage-rock song with an all-girl band.

Trent: I didn't know Shelly was in a band.

Jesse: There sure are a lot of chicks here...

Trent: Hey, she's pretty good.

(Trent and Jesse go near the front of the stage and watch Shelly sing. What they don't notice is the morose-looking girl dancing in front of them. When the song ends, Shelly makes a come-hither motion with her finger, and the girl gets up on the stage and makes out with Shelly. Trent and Jesse look around the room and notice that a bunch of other girl couples are making out.)

Jesse: This is so cool! (Trent glares at him.) Uh, except for Shelly and that girl up there. I feel really bad for you, man.

Trent: Shelly?

Shelly: (spotting him) Trent!

Scene 14: At Telly's party. Beastie Boys music blares out of the stereo as couples everywhere socialize. Brittany is talking to a whole group of guys in the corner. Jane and Telly, meanwhile, talk in the corridor. They have to raise their voices to be heard over the music.

Jane: So what school do you go to?

Telly: Lawndale. I'm a junior.

Jane: Lawndale? Oh yeah, my brother Trent goes there.

Telly: Trent?

Jane: You know, tall scraggly-haired guy, tattoos on his arms, plays in a band?

Telly: Doesn't ring a bell.

(the door behind them opens and a guy and girl walk out of it.)

Telly: Hey, it's vacant. Wanna go in?

(Jane looks at Brittany who gives her a thumbs-up.)

Jane: Let's go.

Scene 15: Trent and Shelly sit outside the cafe.

Trent: So, you're a lesbian. When were you planning on telling me?

Shelly: I didn't know until just recently. And anyway, I'm bi, Trent. Don't act so surprised. Remember when I told you my parents thought I was screwed up?

Trent: Yeah, but I thought you meant, y'know, sex-drugs-rock n' roll kind of screwed up. Not this. Was this brought on by me?

Shelly: No, Trent. I had to use the bathroom while passing through this area, and while waiting in line here, Tracy and I met and just... hit it off. Next thing I knew, I was spending most of my time here. I'm sorry, Trent.

Trent: Well, at least it's better that I found out for myself rather than through the grapevine.

Shelly: Through the grapevine?

Trent: Sorry. Sometimes I quote Creedence at awkward moments.

Shelly: So you're OK with this?

Trent: No. But it's not like this is something I can change.

Shelly: I can really use a ride home. Can you give me a ride home?

Trent: Sure, why not?

Scene 16: Jane and Telly are in Telly's parents' bedroom, making out. Telly has his shirt off and his pants are unbuckled, Jane is stripped down to a bra and panties.

Jane: (pulling back) Um, you know, Telly, I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry.

Telly: Oh, come on. I just want to make you happy.

Jane: Well... do you have protection?

Telly: (digging in his pockets) Uh, you know what? I'm all out. But don't worry, I'm clean.

Jane: How can I be sure of that?

Telly: What, you don't trust me?

Jane: Well still, isn't there a risk of getting me pregnant?

Telly: I'll take it out before I cum.

Jane: I don't think so.

Telly: Come on!

Jane: No.

Telly: Come on!

Jane: No.

The door flies open and everyone's eyes focus on Jane as she storms out of the room and leaves the party fully clothed.

Telly: I hope you're comfortable walking home! It's awfully late out!

Guy: (to Telly) Hey man, how was she? (Telly punches him in the face.)

Trent, while driving with Shelly and Jesse in the car, spots Jane walking all alone. He stops the car.

Trent: Hey Jane, what happened?

A little while later, Jane is in the car with Jesse and Shelly.

Jane: Trent, you don't have to do this.

Trent: Yeah I do. Nobody messes with my little sister.

Trent stops the car in front of Telly's house, kicks Telly's door open. The partygoers step back as Trent stands in the doorway.

Trent: Where's Telly?

Telly: That would be me. Who are you?

Trent: Your worst nightmare.

(Trent runs toward Telly, pounces on top of him and proceeds to pound his face in.)

Jane: Wow, I've never seen Trent like this.

Shelly: I think he's extra mad because we broke up today.

Jane: You broke up? Why?

Shelly: He found out I was a lesbian.

(Jane looks at Telly and makes the sign of the cross.)

Scene 17: In Mr. O'Neill's class a few days later. The class is being rowdy, talking and throwing paper airplanes.

O'Neill: Class?

(no response from them.)

O'Neill: Class? (takes out megaphone) CLASS!!

(class shuts up.)

O'Neill: Class, I know I've been a bit lenient with you in the past, but all that is going to stop right now. For the next half hour, I want you all to read the chapters in "Wuthering Heights" you were supposed to have read last week. I don't care if you have to use Cliff Notes, just sit quietly and read. I don't want to hear a word from any of you.

Tommy: And if we don't? What are you gonna do about it?

O'Neill: What am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it. You ever had to do weekend detention? I can assign you that. In fact, anyone who says a word for the next half hour gets five weekends of detention. In the library. With the air conditioning off. Having to sort books all day long. Both Saturday and Sunday. I know the librarian. Don't think I can't make it a reality for you.

Tommy: Man, I don't have to take this shit. I can decide not to show. Then what?

O'Neill: Well, I don't know, Tommy, I guess that will require you to not show up at school, which means missing practice, which is at school at the same time. I don't think the coach will be too happy about that, now will he?

Tommy: (standing up) Bullshit. I don't have to take this. None of you have to take this. Come on, who's with me? (silence.) Who's with me? (silence. Tommy sits down.)

(Mr. O'Neill smiles. He looks over his shoulder, Mr. DiMartino is standing in the doorway and gives him a thumbs-up.)

Scene 18: Jane carries her lunch tray through the cafeteria. She passes Brittany, who is sitting with 3 girls at a table.

Brittany: Hey Jane.

Jane: Hey Brittany. Well, I guess you all heard about what happened at the party.

Girl 1: Yeah, it's really cool the way your brother came to your rescue.

Girl 2: I wish my brother could do that for me.

Girl 3: Or any guy for that matter.

Brittany: Come sit with us.

Jane: Uh, thanks. (sits down.)

Brittany: This is Cindy, Naomi and Claudia. Girls, this is Jane.

Jane: Nice to meet you. So, what are you all talking about?

Cindy: We were talking about how cute Brad Pitt's butt was. Doesn't he have a cute butt?

Jane: You know, I really don't get this whole Brad Pitt thing. I mean yeah, he's handsome and all, but come on! (the other girls glare at Jane.) But he does have a cute butt, doesn't he?

Naomi: Damn right.

(Jane sits there bored and watches the girls chatter about boys and makeup.)

PART 3

Scene 1: June 4, 1995. Trent is walking in the hallway after school. As he turns a corner he runs into Shelly.

Shelly: Hey, Trent.

Trent: Uh, hi.

Shelly: Listen, Trent, I notice we haven’t really talked much since... you know, our breakup, and I ‘ve been meaning to ask you how you’re holding up.

Trent: Uh, fine.

Shelly: You sure? You’ve been kind of spacey and distant lately. More so than usual.

Trent: I’m fine, Shelly.

Shelly: Well, good. Just wanted to make sure we’re still cool.

Trent: Sure. We’re cool. Uh, I gotta go. See ya.

(Trent walks past her. Shelly looks on in concern. Jesse walks by and sees this too.)

Scene 2: Jane is sitting in the grass with her new “friends”, Brittany, Cindy, Naomi and Claudia.

Claudia: So then, like, he drives up in his car, and it’s the ugliest Chevy I’ve ever seen! Like, it doesn’t even have a CD player in it! So then, like, we go to Chez Pierre, and don’t make me start going into how awful that was! Like, he starts talking about this trip to Hawaii he took last spring... Can you believe his family flew coach??? Oh my God, I’d just die if I had to fly coach!

Cindy: Aren’t you dating his older brother now?

Claudia: Yeah! And can you believe he’s still mad at me because of that?

Naomi: Men are so immature.

Brittany: Hey everyone, did you know the Lawndale High cheerleading tryouts are next month?

Naomi: You’re gonna try out?

Brittany: Yeah! Wanna see the cheer I came up with?

Naomi: Sure!

Cindy: Yeah!

Claudia: Go ahead!

Jane: Whatever.

Brittany: (cheering) Go Lawndale Lions, we’re Number One! Gimme an L! Gimme an O! Gimme an N! Gimme a D! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an L! What does it spell? Lawndale! Yay!!! (jumps up and down) Whaddaya think?

Cindy: I love it!

Claudia: Great!

Naomi: Way to go!

Jane: Well... it would help if you knew how to spell Lawndale, but other than that, not bad.

Brittany: Say, Jane, you’ve been awful quiet.

Cindy: Yeah, Jane, you should talk more.

Jane: I don’t feel like talking. What’s there to talk about?

Naomi: You know what you need, Jane? A makeover.

Claudia: Yeah, when are you gonna let us give you a makeover, Jane?

Jane: Uhh... let me think about that a little more.

Brittany: (looks at watch) Hey! it’s almost 3:30! All the cute food court guys at the mall are gonna get off work! Come on!

(The girls get up and walk off, all except Jane, who goes the other way.)

Brittany: Coming, Jane?

Jane: Uh, no. I have to go home and jog. I’m training for the Lawndale track team.

Brittany: You sure? Lotta cute guys at the mall.

Jane: Thanks, but I’ll pass.

Brittany: OK. See you later then. (Brittany and the girls walk off.)

Jane: Later. (rolls eyes and walks off.)

Scene 3: At the Lane residence. Trent and Jesse are in the basement.

Trent: Hey Jesse, wanna hear a new song I wrote?

Jesse: Sure.

Trent: I call it “Icebox Woman”. (starts playing guitar)
You’re an angel in black, you sure have a knack, for putting my heart on the shelf in the back, I’m still waiting my turn oh, when will I learn, my poor heart, you’re giving it freezer burn! Yeah! (stops playing) And that’s all I wrote so far. What do you think?

Jesse: Man, this breakup is really getting to you, isn’t it?

Trent: Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Jesse: Oh, come on, Trent. That song has Shelly written all over it. Ever since the two of you broke up, you’ve been like this.

Trent: Like what?

Jesse: I don’t know, depressed, edgy.

Trent: I am not.

(phone rings.)

Jesse: The day you broke up you went out and beat a guy up.

Trent: You’d have done the same thing for your sister.

Jesse: Still, I’d never seen you like that before.

Jane: (from upstairs) Trent! Shelly’s calling!

Trent: Tell her I’m not home!

Jesse: You should talk to Shelly.

Trent: Man, who the hell are you to tell me what to do? Have you ever been dumped by a girl for another girl?

Jesse: No, but I am your best friend and I do know post-breakup depression when I see it.

(Trent looks down sullenly.)

Jesse: Good song, though.

Meanwhile, Jane goes into Penny’s room. Everything is in boxes. Penny is putting CD’s into a box.

Jane: What’cha doin’?

Penny: Packing up my Selena albums.

Jane: Wow, you’re really gonna do it, aren’t you? You’re really going to Mexico.

Penny: Yep. There’s nothing left for me here. I have nowhere to go but south. What’s new with you?

Jane: Oh, not much. Penny?

Penny: Yeah?

Jane: If you hang out with these people whom you don’t like and have absolutely nothing in common with, do they count as your friends?

Penny: I don’t know. Why would you want to hang out with people you don’t like?

Jane: Well, because I have no one else to hang out with and these people tolerate me hanging out with them.

Penny: Do they like you?

Jane: I don’t know. They keep asking me to let them give me a makeover.

Penny: Sounds like they don’t respect the way you look. What caused them to let you hang out with them?

Jane: After Trent beat up this one guy for me at a party two months ago, they all thought it was cool.

Penny: And that’s it?

Jane: That’s it.

Penny: Doesn’t sound like much.

Jane: So what do you think?

Penny: Let me get this straight. They don’t like the way you look and dress, they have nothing in common with you, but they let you hang out with them because they like your brother.

Jane: Well if you put it that way, yeah, they don’t seem like my friends. But I don’t have any other friends besides them.

Penny: Why not?

Jane: I can’t find any people with the same interests as me. You had your group in high school, and Trent had his, but I just don’t fit in anywhere.

Penny: I don’t think “fitting in” is that important, Jane. In my opinion all you need is one good friend.

Jane: Yeah, well I’m still waiting for that one good friend.

Scene 4: Mrs. Barch’s science class, on June 5, the day of the science projects. Students are talking amongst themselves.

Student 1: Hey, did you hear what happened to Mrs. Barch?

Student 2: No, what?

Student 3: Her husband left her!

Student 4: No way!

(Mrs. Barch enters.)

Barch: Good morning, ladies and scum. It’s time to present your science projects. Would anyone like to go first?

(Bobby Sherman raises his hand.)

Barch: Let’s see... Jessica?

(Bobby puts down hand in dismay.)

Later on, after the girl finishes...

Barch: Thank you, Jessica. You get an A. Next?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: Nora?

Later on...

Thank you, Nora. That was great. Next?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: Elaine?

Much, much later...

Barch: Thank you, Samantha. OK, now that we’re done with all the good ones, would any of the men like to give it a shot?

(Bobby raises his hand.)

Barch: (rolls eyes) Oh, fine. Bobby, come up and do your project.

(Bobby comes up with a display.)

Bobby: Over the last few months, I have been doing research on an herb in the Amazon rainforests that may hold the cure for cancer. What I have for you all is an actual specimen of this herb and a display showing what it does.

Barch: Wow, Bobby. That’s very impressive. Did you get your sister to help you?

Bobby: I don’t have a sister.

Barch: Well then no doubt your mommy helped you with it.

Bobby: No! I did the whole thing myself.

Barch: Oh, right. You, a male, did all this research and managed to obtain a life-saving herb all by yourself? You make me sick, Bobby. You fail. Go sit down.

Bobby: What? You didn’t even give me a chance! Wait, I know what this is. You’re upset because your husband left you.

Barch: That has nothing to do with it!

Bobby: Oh, come on. You let all the girls go first, then don’t even give me a minute! I think you have this thing against men now.

All the guys: Yeah!

Barch: That’s it! One more outburst out of you and all the men get detention! Now go sit down! You make me sick!

Bobby: No, you make me sick, Mrs. Barch. (picks up project and sits down.)

Barch: Would anyone else like to go?

(nobody raises their hand.)

Scene 5: Mrs. Barch sits in the teachers’ lounge angrily smoking a cigarette. Mr. O’Neill approaches her.

O’Neill: Janet?

Barch: What the hell do you want?

O’Neill: Well, I know you’re upset about your husband, and I just want you to know that if you ever need anyone to talk to...

Barch: Why would I want to talk to a man about it? Wait, I know what this is! You think that since I’m newly single, you have the opportunity to hop into the sack with me! That’s it, isn’t it?

O’Neill: Well no, that’s not it at...

Barch: Well, let me tell you something, buster. You’re never gonna get the chance to sleep with me! Never! Not even in your wildest dreams! (storms off)

Scene 6: Trent arrives at Shelly’s place. She lives in a house somewhere off in the sticks. Trent walks across the front yard, which has tall unmowed grass and a barking black dog chained to a post, and knocks on the screen door. Shelly’s dad, Earl, a tall man with a goatee and a red cap that says RED’S BAIT SHOP and a beer, opens the door.

Earl: Yeh?

Trent: Uh, hi, Mr. Van Horn? My name’s Trent, I was wondering if Shelly was home?

Earl: Shelly? Oh yeah, she’s out yonder in the back choppin’ wood.

Trent: Oh, OK. Can I go talk to her?

Earl: Go right on ahead.

Trent: Thanks.

Trent walks behind the house to Shelly, who is indeed chopping wood with an axe. She’s wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off.

Trent: Hey, Shelly.

Shelly: Trent! Wow, hey, how’s it going? Welcome to Casa De Van Horn.

Trent: Nice. Why’s it so hot, though?

Shelly: Oh, well, summer’s coming up, and that means we’ll be getting a lot of forest fires, since the sunlight reflected off the glass buildings at Halicon Hills Corporate Park seems to hit right around here. Yep, the volunteer fire department is just about on the edge now.

Trent: That sucks.

Shelly: Well, you learn to live with it. So what’s up?

Trent: Shelly, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. Remember when you asked me how I was holding up after our breakup and I said I was fine?

Shelly: Yeah.

Trent: Well... I’m not fine, Shelly. In fact everyone says I’ve been acting really weird and I think they’re right.

Shelly: You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?

Trent: Just the fact that one minute you’re my girlfriend, the next minute, boom! you’re a lesbian. It’s like something out of “Sick Sad World” or “Friends”.

Shelly: Trent, we went over this before. It’s not your fault.

Trent: And that’s the other thing, Shelly. I keep thinking that this is my fault. It’s almost like it all began after we had sex. I mean I know it was my first time and it wasn’t yours, and I was just this hideous disappointment and...

Shelly: (laughing) Trent, I can’t believe I’m hearing this! You actually think that just because you weren’t any good that I’d up and change my sexuality? That’s ridiculous! Not only that, but you’re acting like I’m way more experienced than you! Come on, Trent, it’s not like I had that many guys before you! In fact, I feel really weird about you being so hung up on me. What do you see in me, anyway?

Trent: I don’t know what it is, Shelly. I guess I just always liked how you were always unafraid to speak your mind and tell things like it is, and how you just seem... different from other girls. Like chopping wood, for instance. How many girls do that? And I like your sarcastic attitude toward everything and how you used to always be there for Janey. I know Janey liked you a lot. You were always giving her advice.

(Shelly’s sister, Sheila, who is a year younger, has blond hair and is wearing a green minidress, enters.)

Sheila: Shelly, have you seen my makeup? My date’s gonna be here any minute!

Shelly: Nope.

Sheila: Oh, God, this sucks! Listen, if you answer the door, DON’T tell him you’re my sister! I’d simply die!

Shelly: OK, but it’ll cost ya. (holds out her hand.)

Sheila: Oh, fine. Here. (hands Shelly $20.)

Shelly: Mum’s the word. By the way, why’s your date meeting you here? Won’t this whole backwoodsy environment scare him off?

Sheila: My God, you’re right! Maybe I still have time to call him up and tell him to meet me at the mall! Can you drive me to the mall?

(Shelly holds out her hand. Sheila huffs and gives Shelly another twenty. Shelly waves her fingers back and forth.)

Sheila: Argh! You are the worst! (Gives Shelly another $20 and storms off.)

Sheila: (offscreen) Mom! Have you seen my makeup?

Shelly’s mom, Darlene: No, honey. Cain’t you see I’m on the phone? Hey Earl! Git yer ass off that couch and help Sheila find her makeup!

Earl: But Darlene, bass fishing is on! You know I never miss that!

Darlene: Earl, don’t make me have to whomp yer ass!

Shelly: (taking out makeup kit) Sucker.

Trent: See? That’s what I like about you. I don’t know too many other girls who are like you.

Shelly: Don’t worry, Trent. I’m sure there’s a girl for you out there somewhere. In the meantime, I hope we can still be friends.

(Suddenly 3 thugs enter Shelly’s backyard.)

Thug: There he is! That’s the guy who beat up our man Telly!

(Shelly turns to the thugs, still holding the axe. The thugs get scared and run away.)

Trent: We can now.

Scene 7: Mr. O’Neill and Mr. DiMartino stand in the field. O’Neill looks on as DiMartino shoots at a picture of a student.

DiMartino: Wanna take a crack at it, Tim? I got the entire football team here. Who’s it gonna be? Tommy? Warren? Jimmy?

O’Neill: I don’t think so, Tony. This isn’t right.

DiMartino: What do you mean? You do find this THERAPEUTIC, don’t you?

O’Neill: Well yes, but... I didn’t take up teaching to end up doing this. This is a way of expressing hatred for my students, and I don’t think I really hate any of them. I mean yeah, a number of them get on my nerves, but I don’t feel I hate any of them enough to be doing this.

DiMartino: Give it a few years, Tim.

O’Neill: And another thing. What was your reason for taking up this profession, Tony? I believe that a teacher has to inspire students to want to learn. I don’t see that attitude in you.

DiMartino: Ah, yes. The INSPIRATIONAL TEACHER attitude. I know it all too well. Back when I started teaching, I had it. But that was BEFORE noticing that my students have the motivation and learning skills of SLIME MOLDS.

O’Neill: Well, I believe that if a student is having problems, you should make an effort to help him out. Have you ever given a student individual attention, tutored, anything like that?

DiMartino: Well... no.

O’Neill: Every student has the potential to be brilliant if given the chance. I think it’s a shame you don’t see that, Tony. I’ll see you around.

(walks off.)

Scene 8: Mary J. Blige’s “I’m Not Gonna Cry” plays in the background as Mrs. Barch stuffs all of her ex-husband’s clothes and various other valuables into his BMW, throws gasoline all over it, lights it on fire and walks away.

Scene 9: Mr. DiMartino’s class, June 10. Bell rings, class files out.

DiMartino: (to Trent as he leaves) Trent, I’m going to have to see you after school.

Trent: Uh, yeah, sure thing, Mr. DiMartino.

40 minutes after school ends, Mr. DiMartino sits, waits, looks at his watch, waits, looks at his watch...

30 minutes after that...

DiMartino: Dammit!!!

Scene 10: Trent is sleeping when the phone rings. He picks it up.

Trent: (mumbles “hello”)

Jesse: Trent! You coming to the school graduation party?

Trent: Why would I want to do that?

Jesse: That’s what I said, until I found out which band was playing there!

Trent: Band? Don’t these things usually have DJ’s playing repetitive and unlistenable hip-hop?

Jesse: Not this one. Turns out they got Bats With Guns to perform.

Trent: Bats With Guns? Haw, man, those guys are legends in this town! Didn’t you use to be in that band?

Jesse: Yeah, until they got a record deal and the executives said I had to leave due to “market research”. But that was a long time ago. I’m over it.

Trent: Man, I didn’t even think Principal Li would allow a band like that to play at her school!

Jesse: Well, you know Principal Li. She’d let the movie “Backdraft” be filmed in the gym if there was publicity involved. So, you comin’?

Trent: Sh’yeah! I’ll be there! See ya! (hangs up.)

Jane: (barging in) Trent, you have a visitor.

Trent: Yo, Jane, you ever hear of something called knocking?

(Jane rolls her eyes and steps out. Knocks.)

Trent: Entre’.

(Mr. DiMartino enters.)

Trent: Mr. DiMartino? What are you doing here?

DiMartino: How’s it GOING, Trent? Trent, during the course of this semester, you have been in class SIXTEEN TIMES, and nine of those times, you have SLEPT through everything. Of the seven hours of class that you have spent awake, do you know how much of my time you have wasted? (Trent shrugs.) SEVEN HOURS, Trent. You have turned in no homework and FAILED every test. How does that make you feel?

Trent: I dunno.

DiMartino: Well I, for one, would be DEVASTATED by that. However, I occasionally believe in second chances, so here’s what we’re gonna do. Over the next few hours we are going to go over chapters 1 through 8 in the textbook, so that you can get at least SOMETHING out of this course.

Trent: Uh, I think I left my book in my locker.

DiMartino: Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I brought mine. Let’s get started.

Scene 11: Jane is helping Penny pack the last of her things. While rummaging through her closet, Jane stumbles onto something.

Jane: Hey, what’s this? (pulls out a whole bunch of small pictures.)

Penny: Oh, those? Those are some of your drawings that you did back when you were little.

Jane: I used to draw all the way back then?

Penny: Aw, hell yeah. It’s all you ever did. You would just pick out objects at random and sketch them, or take pictures with your little camera and paint them on a canvas. You don’t remember any of that?

Jane: Well, come to think of it I do draw a lot, in fact it does occupy a lot of my time at school. But I just do it ‘cause I’m bored. These are good pictures though. I can’t believe I don’t remember doing any of this stuff.

Penny: You have a real talent, Jane. Maybe with a little work you could be a professional artist some day.

Jane: I think you’re right, Penny. I’m going to get to work right now!

Scene 12: 3 hours later.

Trent: So like, America thought, y’know, we can’t have Communism spreading all over Asia, so we gotta get in the middle of it, but the Vietnam War lasted for years and years and millions of innocent people died and in the end the whole thing just turned out to be... bogus.

DiMartino: Good ENOUGH, Trent. I think we’re DONE for today.

Trent: Are you really going to fail me, Mr. DiMartino?

DiMartino: Nah. I’ll probably let you slip through with a D minus.

Trent: Thanks a million, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino: No problem, Trent.

Trent: Mr. DiMartino?

DiMartino: Yes?

Trent: Is there a guy like me in all of your classes? A guy you can’t stand who wastes your time?

DiMartino: I guess you can say that. But I think that even with students like, say, you, it’s possible to get SOMETHING into their head if both the teacher and the student make an EFFORT.

Trent: I see.

DiMartino: What are your plans after graduation, Trent?

Trent: I’m going to enroll in community college, transfer to the state university in a couple of years and major in music.

DiMartino: I wish you luck and ACADEMIC SUCCESS, Trent.

Trent: Hasta luego, Mr. DiMartino.

DiMartino, Likewise, Trent.

(Trent and the teacher shake hands. Mr. DiMartino leaves.)

Mr. DiMartino walks to a car that’s parked across the street and gets in. Mr. O’Neill is driving and gives him a thumbs-up. After the teachers’ car drives off, Trent rushes into his own car and speeds away.

Scene 14: At the graduation party at the Lawndale High gym. Jesse runs into his old friends, Bats With Guns, as they’re setting up. They’re all in their late 20s, with long hair and lots of leather. The lead singer speaks in a British accent.

Jesse: Well well, if it isn’t my favorite sell-outs.

Singer: Jesse? Jesse Moreno? Hey hey, how’s my favorite bassist?

Bassist: Hey!

Singer: Sorry, mate, second to you I mean. Wow, how long’s it been, Jesse, couple of years?

Jesse: What, since you gave in to the smell of money and left me behind because I tested badly with a bunch of trendies behind a glass booth? Yeah, couple of years.

Singer: Hey, I’m really sorry about that. You really are a talented musician. I hope you haven’t given up.

Jesse: No, a couple of buddies of mine just started a new band. We haven’t named it yet.

(Trent joins them.)

Trent: Hey Jesse.

Jesse: Trent! Jeez, man, what took you so long?

Trent: I had to do some... homework.

Jesse: (nudges Trent) All right! I knew she wouldn’t stay a lesbian forever!

Trent: No, not that! I had homework! Really!

Singer: Who’s this?

Jesse: Oh, uh, this is Trent Lane, the lead singer of our band. Trent, meet Nigel Posey, lead singer of Bats With Guns.

Trent: (shakes his hand) Oh my God! This is such an honor!

Nigel: Nice to meet you, lad. I see you got a Kurt Cobain thing going there. Don’t blow your brains out, hear?

Trent: (annoyed) Right.

Nigel: Kidding, kidding. Here, have a copy of our first album. It’ll be in stores next month. (gives copies to Trent and Jesse.)

Trent: Thanks!

Jesse: Yeah, thanks.

Nigel: Well, me mates and I have to set up now. Nice seeing you again,  Jesse. Give me a ring sometime, we’ll get together, play a few tunes.

Jesse: (insincerely) I will, Nigel.

(Trent and Jesse move away from the stage.)

Trent: Wow! I got to meet the lead singer of Bats With Guns!

Jesse: Yeah, glad you’re happy. You’re not the one who got left behind when the train to fame rolled away.

Trent: Cheer up, man. You’re with my band now. Someday we’ll be more famous than that band ever was! That is, if we could just find a name for our band.

Jesse: I have a friend whose last name is Hanson. We could use that.

Trent: Nah, sounds like the name of some annoying bubblegum teen band that appeals to trendy 13-year-old girls.

Jesse: Well yeah, if you think about it.

(Shelly joins them.)

Shelly: Hey, Trent.

Trent: Hey Shelly, how you holdin’ up?

Shelly: Almost a month without a forest fire. A new record. Man, I just can’t wait to graduate from this shallow hellhole and move out.

Trent: Me too. I swear, if there’s one thing I’ll never be, it’s a townie. Once I enter university, I ain’t never coming back.

Jesse: You said it.

(Bobby joins them.)

Shelly: Bobby! What are you doing here?

Bobby: Tommy let me come with him. He can be a real nice guy sometimes. Also he needed a designated driver.

Jesse: I heard about what Mrs. Barch did to you. That really sucks!

Bobby: Oh, not to worry. (secretively) I hacked into the school computer files and changed my grade.

Trent: Really??? You hacked into--

Bobby: Shhh!!

Trent: Sorry.

Shelly: You know, if you can hack into college admissions files, I wonder if you can enroll yourself in Harvard or something.

Bobby: Hey! Maybe I can get some of the seniors to pay me to hack into college computers and get them enrolled! You just gave me a wonderful idea!

Trent: Yeah, just don’t get caught.

Bobby: Don’t worry.

Trent: (sighs) Only a week until we graduate. I just hope to God the principal doesn’t say my full first name when she calls me up.

Jesse: Will you quit worrying about that? It’s not that bad!

Bobby: What’s your full first name?

Jesse: It’s--

Trent: Shut up!!

Jesse: Lighten up, dude!

Student: (from the stage) And now, Lawndale High is proud to present for our graduating seniors, Lawndale’s very own, Bats With Guns!

(the band gets up on stage and starts playing The Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated”.)

Shelly: Why is that band playing a cover of a Ramones song?

Jesse: Maybe the principal told them to play something that wouldn’t offend anyone.

Trent: Wow! I know this song!

Jesse: Why don’t you go up there and sing it with them?

Trent: Oh, no, I can’t do that.

Jesse: Come on, man, it’ll be fun! You know you wanna jam with them!

Shelly: Yeah, come on, Trent!

(Jesse, Shelly and Bobby push Trent up onto the stage.)

Trent: Come on, you guys, this isn’t funny!

(Trent looks around awkwardly, then comes up to Nigel and joins him in singing the song. The crowd goes wild.)

Principal Li: Good God! Somebody get that man down from there!

DiMartino: Leave him alone, Angela. Leave him alone.

Scene 15: The Lawndale High School graduation. As Principal Li is giving her speech, something about going on into the new millennium with special, almost orgasmic-sounding emphasis on the words “Lawndale High”, we get a look at the families sitting in the bleachers. There’s the Van Horns, Earl, Darlene and Sheila (who stares into space chewing gum). There’s Bobby Sherman sitting with his parents. And all the way in the back are the Lanes. From left to right they are: The parents, Amanda and Kent, whose faces are not clearly seen. Then Summer (who looks like Jane with blond hair), who is having a hard time keeping her kids, Adrian, Courtney, Winter and Lois, under control. Then Wind (who looks like a buffer version of Trent), then Penny, then Jane.

Principal Li: And I am pleased to report that this year, an unprecedented number of seniors have been admitted to Ivy League universities! (crowd cheers) My crack team of investigators are looking into it as we speak.

(crowd laughs)

Principal Li: (to herself) I wasn’t kidding. (Bobby squirms.) Ahem. And now, presenting the graduating class of 1995!

(Principal Li goes down the list, by homeroom so it’s not alphabetical.)

...Shelly Van Horn! (as Shelly goes to get her diploma, her folks hoot and holler hillbilly style, except for Sheila who looks on in embarrassment.)

...Tommy Sherman! (Tommy gets the loudest cheers, especially from the football team.)

Trent: (to himself) Here it comes, please get it right, please get it right...

Principal Li: Trentholomew Lane!

(a disgruntled Trent goes up to get his diploma.)

Student: (as Trent is passing by) Dude, your name is Trentholomew?

Trent: Shut up.

(Trent takes his diploma and shakes the principal’s hand.)

PART 4

Scene 1: The Lanes: Mom, Dad, Summer, Adrian, Courtney, Winter, Lois, Wind, Penny and Trent sit in the bleachers during Jane’s graduation from middle school. The principal announces her name. Ms. Eisler, whose eye is bloodshot pink, says, “Thank God.”

Scene 2: The Lane residence, July 4th, 1995. The siblings are helping Penny load her station wagon.

Trent: Summer, Wind, thanks for coming all the way here for our graduations.

Penny: And to help me pack. We really appreciate it.

Wind: Aw, hell, no problem.

Jane: By the way, where’s the new wife, Wind?

Wind: Uhh... She couldn’t make it.

Penny: Broke up already, huh?

Wind: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Summer: Jesus, Wind, get to know the girl before tying the knot! You’re only 26 and this is already your third marriage!

Wind: I can’t help it, OK? Vegas is a magical place. Everytime I take a girl there I just... get impulsive.

Penny: So don’t take girls there. Or just go with your friends or by yourself.

Wind: I did. My second wife was a showgirl.

Trent: Hey Summer, where are your kids? I haven’t seen them in an hour.

Jane: Yeah, me neither.

Summer: Oh yeah, they’re at the mall. They said they were bored so I let them go.

Penny: The mall’s like six blocks away!

Jane: You let your kids go there unsupervised? Are you sure they’re old enough for that?

Summer: Hell yeah, I let them do it all the time at home.

Trent: I dunno, man, Cranberry Commons is pretty huge. It’s not like those roadside plazas you have near Denver.

Wind: Besides, remember that time you lost them for a whole week until they somehow showed up at my doorstep? You need to be more responsible.

Penny: Yeah, Summer.

Summer: Hey, hey, who’s the oldest here? I think I’d know how to raise my kids, OK?

(a police car stops by and an officer gets out.)

Officer: Summer Lane-Jobbs?

Summer: Yes?

Officer: Are these your kids? (Adrian, Courtney, Winter and Lois exit the car.)

Summer: Why yes they are! Where have you kids been?

Officer: We caught them wandering around a few blocks from here. They said they were lost.

Summer: Oh, well thank goodness you found them! I’ve been looking everywhere! You kids should be ashamed of yourselves! Go to your rooms!

Adrian: Aren’t we staying in the basement?

Summer: Indeed you are! Now go there and stay there and think about what you’ve done! Come on, you know the drill!

Courtney: Yeah yeah. Let’s go everyone. (the kids leave.)

Summer: Thank you so much, officer.

Officer: No problem, ma’am. (drives off)

Jane: You ever had any problems with Child Welfare?

Summer: Not yet.

Penny: OK, I think we’ve packed everything. Thanks everyone.

Trent: All righty.

(the siblings all face one another.)

Penny: Well... I guess this is the last time we’re all gonna be together for a while.

Wind: Yeah. I’ll miss you.

Summer: Me too. Good luck in Mexico.

Trent: Yeah. Don’t drink the water.

Jane: Have fun.

Penny: (tearing up) Oh... I’ll miss you guys so much!

(Group hug.)

Penny: And Jane... Don’t worry about your social life. Everything’s going to be just fine.

Jane: Thanks, Penny.

Penny: Well, I guess this is it. Where are Mom and Dad?

Trent: I dunno. Jane, do you know?

Jane: No... I thought you knew! Summer? Wind?

(Summer and Wind shrug.)

Penny: Well, tell them I said bye. See you!

(Penny hops into her station wagon and drives off. The other four wave as she drives away.)

Trent: I give her a year.

Jane: Two years.

Summer: Three at most.

Scene 3: Trent and Jesse are hanging out in Trent’s room a few days later, listening to the Bats With Guns record.

Jesse: This isn’t that great. This is nothing like what we played.

Trent: Sounds like generic post-Nirvana grunge.

Jesse: That record label must have really made them change stuff.

Trent: Yeah.

Jesse: Still, people are probably going to buy it. Bats With Guns must be having the time of their life, living in the moment.

Meanwhile, Bats With Guns is at a rehearsal.

Nigel: No, no, no, you bloody bastard! You’re the worst rhythm guitarist ever, Gunther!

Gunther: Screw you, asshole! Just ‘cause you’re me older brother doesn’t give you the right to boss me around!

Nigel: Oh yeah? Well me old guitarist was better than you’ll ever be, you no-talent loser! Only reason you’re even in this group is because the record company said so! You can’t play worth shit!

Gunther: I’ll kill you, you bloody bastard! (lunges for Nigel. Nigel and Gunther wrestle around on the floor.)

Nigel: No-talent bastard!

Gunther: Control-freak asshole!

Back with Trent and Jesse, who are listening to the radio.

Jesse: So how’s Shelly?

Trent: Her band’s traveling with Alternapalooza all summer long.

Jesse: Lucky for her. Hope we get out of here soon.

Trent: Me too.

Radio: And it’s a scorching 104 degrees here in Lawndale, what a great day to head for the beach! And now here’s the new single from a band with a bizarre name, Hootie and The Blowfish! (radio plays “Hold My Hand”)

Trent: Hootie and the Blowfish? Isn’t that a name you came up with for our band?

Jesse: Yeah! What are the chances?

(Trent and Jesse listen for a while.)

Jesse: This song sucks! These guys’ll never catch on!

Scene 4: Walking down the street in Lawndale is the Morgendorffer family. (Studio audience claps and cheers.) Jake and Helen are dressed in their recreational outfits from “Road Worrier”. Daria is dressed in the clothes she wore on “Beavis & Butt-Head”: beige bomber jacket, black shirt, red skirt, black leggings, brown hiking boots. Quinn is dressed in her usual clothes but has the hairstyle of the moment, the Rachel (from “Friends”.)

Jake: Wow, my relatives live in the best neighborhood! Just look at this place!

Helen: I just don’t know if we can afford it at this point. Maybe I can transfer if my firm opens up that Lawndale branch they keep talking about.

Jake: And I’ll open up my own consulting business! Then we’ll make enough to afford a nice place! What do you think, girls?

Daria: Well, it can’t be any worse than Highland. The school there is just a feeding ground for the shallow and incompetent.

Quinn: I just hope there are cute guys here. Ooh! Hey, look! Shopping mall! Mom, dad, can I go? Can I, can I, can I??

Daria: Yeah, and can I have some money to buy a pizza?

Helen: Oh, all right. Your father and I need some time by ourselves.

Jake: Let’s meet back here in half an hour, OK girls?

Daria and Quinn: Fine.

Scene 5: Daria stands in line at the pizza place. Jane is behind her.

Jane: Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Daria: Army surplus. I’m just wearing them until I can afford a pair of combat boots.

Jane: Yeah, I’m saving up for combat boots too. Until then I have to wear these damn sneakers. Can’t look fierce in sneakers.

Daria: Tell me about it.

Jane: You from around here?

Daria: No, I’m just visiting here from Highland. It’s this little hellhole in Texas.

Jane: Yeah, I think I heard of it. Isn’t that where a huge number of people died in a traffic collision that happened during a blackout?

Daria: Yeah. How did you know?

Jane: I saw it on Sick Sad World.

Daria: You watch Sick Sad World?

Jane: Never miss an episode.

Daria: Me neither.

Meanwhile, Quinn enters the shopping mall. A whole crowd of teenagers are around Sandi, but they all focus their attention on Quinn as she enters. They all crowd around Quinn and leave Sandi all alone.

Meanwhile Trent enters a convenience store. He notices the guy at the counter, who is none other than--

Trent: Hey! You’re Curtis Stalato!

Curtis: Uh, yeah. Weren’t you in a couple of my classes?

Trent: Yeah! Uh, didn’t you use to be a pizza guy?

Curtis: Yeah, like six months ago.

Trent: Cool. Uh, can I use your bathroom?

Curtis: Sure. It’s over there.

Trent: Thanks.

(Trent goes into the bathroom. A guy walks into the store, walks to the counter, pulls out a gun and a paper bag.)

Guy: Money. Now, asshole!

Back at the pizza place, Daria and Jane are sitting at a table eating pizza.

Daria: So like I don’t really have any friends in Highland. Most of the the other kids in junior high are losers who call me four-eyes. I’m just so glad to be moving on to high school ‘cause I hear they don’t do it to your face there.

Jane: Yeah, that’s what I hear.

Daria: Sometimes I hang around these two guys, Beavis and Butt-head, but that’s mostly because I find their stupidity entertaining.

Jane: Usually I find adolescent stupidity annoying.

Daria: Yeah, but these guys are different. I think they’re inbred or something. And they got this laugh you gotta hear to believe.

At the mall, Quinn and Sandi stand face-to-face as the teens gather around. Camera slowly circles around them

Sandi: What’s your name?

Quinn: Quinn Morgendorffer.

Sandi: I haven’t see you around here much.

Quinn: Yeah, I’m visiting here from Highland.

Sandi: Highland? The little hick town where everyone marries their cousin?

Quinn: Uh, no, Highland PARK. It’s in L.A.

Sandi: That’s pretty cool. What magazines do you like to read?

Quinn: Oh, you know, like, Waif, Teen Dream, Prom Queen... I tried Seventeen once but they had that article on My So-Called Life. Who wants to hear about that? It’s like, #93 in the ratings!

Sandi: That’s true.

At the convenience store...

Robber: Now open the safe!

Curtis: I don’t know the combination...

Robber: I said open it, asswipe!

(Trent opens the door and steps out of the bathroom. The robber turns to Trent, and Curtis uses this opportunity to throw the coffeepot at the robber. The robber gets scalded and falls to the floor, writhing in pain. Curtis grabs the gun and points it at the robber. The manager enters and sees what’s going on.)

Manager: Stalato! What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Curtis: This man was robbing the store!

Manager: Well yes, but did you spill hot coffee on him?

Curtis: In self defense, yeah.

Manager: Do you realize how much this man can sue us for now? The Maxi-Mart corporation can lose up to a million dollars now! I’m sorry but I have no choice but to fire you.

Curtis: But I saved the store!

Manager: I’m sorry Stalato, but next time you better think before you act. Now clear your desk and get out of here.

Curtis: Desk? I work behind a counter.

Manager: You heard me!

Back at the pizza place...

Jane: And then there’s my brother Trent. He’s pretty cool. He’s really lazy and sleeps all day, but he has a car and he’s always willing to drive me to school, though he tends to fall asleep behind the wheel. He’s in a band that he just started.

Daria: Well at least you seem to like your brothers and sisters. I can’t stand mine. Her name is Quinn and... well, you know those trendy and popular girls we try so hard to avoid?

Jane: Yeah.

Daria: Imagine having one living in your own house.

Jane: I think Summer was like that in high school.

Daria: Does Summer’s voice sound like nails running down a chalkboard?

Jane: No.

Daria: Lucky you.

At the mall...

Sandi: When I enter high school, I’m going to be president of the Fashion Club.

Quinn: That’s great! If I move here, I’d love to join.

Sandi: You can be the vice president.

Stacy: I thought I was going to be vice president!

Sandi: You were, but Quinn doesn’t have a sister who’s a brain.

Stacy: But my sister lives in New York! I haven’t seen her in years!

Sandi: Still, that like, totally works against you. Quinn, you don’t have a sister who’s a brain, do you?

Quinn: Uh, no, of course not.

Trent and Curtis sit on the curb outside the convenience store, drinking Slushies.

Trent: Real bummer getting fired, man.

Curtis: That’s all right. That job sucked anyway.

Trent: Thanks for saving my life.

Curtis: Hey, if you hadn’t come out of the bathroom when you did, I don’t know what he’d have done to me.

Trent: So, got any plans now that you’re out of high school?

Curtis: Oh, I dunno, keep working to support myself through college, I guess. I just hope I don’t end up working in one of those tollbooths on the way to Swedesville.

Trent: Yeah, you’d never see me working there.

Curtis: Have you ever had a job, Trent?

Trent: No.

Curtis: Why don’t you get one?

Trent: I dunno. I probably should. Make more money than what I get playing gigs with my no-name band. But I just can’t see myself working for anyone. I’m my own man. I go where life takes me. It’s like the guy in that really popular movie said. Life is like a... uhh...

Curtis: Mystic spiral? No, wait, that’s not it.

Trent: Wait, what did you say?

Curtis: Nothing.

Trent: Something about a... mystic spiral?

Curtis: Nothing, it’s just a theory I once wrote down. “Life is like a mystic spiral. It’s an endless circle of ups and downs that ultimately leads nowhere.” It’s nothing. I was probably high when I wrote it.

Trent: No, that’s great, man! Thank you!

Curtis: Huh?

Trent: Thank you, thank you, thank you! (grabs Curtis’s head and kisses him on the cheek, then runs off) Thank you!

Curtis: Uh, yeah, no problem man.

At the pizza place...

Jane: Oh, look, here comes my brother now.

Trent: Janey, there you are!

Jane: Daria, this is my brother Trent. Trent, this is Daria.

Trent: Hey.

Daria: (dazed, runs fingers through hair) Hi.

Trent: Janey! I finally found a name for my band! Tell me what you think. You ready? Mystic Spiral!

Jane: Hmm... It’s all right. Daria, what do you think?

Daria: Oh, uh.. (thinking: Mystic Spiral? It’s about 30 years outdated. I hate it already.) Great.

Trent: All right!

Jane: Maybe you should spell Mystic with a K.

Trent: Mystik Spiral... Hey, that sounds even better! Thanks! Well, I’ll see you later. Nice meeting you, Daria.

(Trent leaves. Daria’s eyes follow him. Trent looks behind him at her as he opens the door.)

Jane: Daria? Oh, Daria!

(Daria isn’t listening. She’s watching Trent cross the street.)

Jane: Hey, you’ll never guess what his real name is!

Daria: Uh huh.

At the mall...

Quinn: Well, it’s time for me to go. Later, everyone! (leaves.)

Crowd: Bye, Quinn!

Sandi: I hope she doesn’t move here. She’ll be a threat to my popularity.

Joey: Don’t worry, Sandi. You’ll always have us.

Jeffy: Yeah, Sandi. We’ll never leave you.

Jamie: You want a soda, Sandi?

At the pizza place, Daria and Jane have finished eating.

Daria: Oh damn, look at the time. I have to go.

Jane: Oh, OK. Well, nice meeting you, Daria.

Daria: Nice meeting you too, Jane.

(Daria and Jane shake hands. Daria leaves.)

Jane: Damn. Too bad I’m never gonna see her again.

Scene 6: Later on, Jane is walking with Brittany, Cindy, Naomi and Claudia.

Brittany: So Jane, when are you gonna let us give you a makeover?

Jane: Listen, Brittany, Cindy, Claudia, Naomi, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys about. I think it’s really nice of you to allow me to hang out with you, but I’m getting the feeling that I have nothing in common with any of you and I’d like to be by myself for a while.

Brittany: Oh, OK. It’s up to you.

Jane: So I guess I’ll see you around.

Brittany: OK. See you.

(Jane leaves.)

5 minutes later...

Brittany: Hey, you remember that one Jane girl who used to hang out with us?

Cindy: No. What did she look like?

Brittany: Umm... I don’t remember. I wonder whatever happened to her.

Scene 7: Kevin, Mack and Chuck are hanging out.

Mack: My dad went to City Hall today. My name is now officially Michael Jordan Mackenzie. This is so humiliating.

Kevin: Don’t worry, Mack Daddy. Jordan sounds better than James anyway.

Mack: Thanks. But please don’t call me Mack Daddy.

(Kevin spots Brittany across the street.)

Kevin: Sigh. There she goes again. How do I get her to like me?

Mack: Maybe you should join the football team like me. All the football players get chicks.

Kevin: Hey, you’re right! I’m gonna go train right now! (runs off.)

Mack: Wonder if he knew I was being sarcastic. No way in hell he can make the team.

Chuck: Oh, I don’t know. I hear the coach and his dad are real close. Hey! What time is it?

Mack: Almost 3. Why?

Chuck: Shit! Baywatch is on! I never miss that!

(Chuck runs off. While running he stops by two girls.)

Chuck: Hey ladies! Anyone wanna have a night on the town with Charles Ruttheimer? I have my dad’s credit card!

Girl 1: Oh, shut up, Chuck!

Girl 2: Shut up...Chuck! Upchuck! Hey, that’s what we’ll call him from now on!

Girl 1: Yeah! You make us wanna upchuck, Upchuck!

(Up)Chuck: Rrr. Feisty! (continues running)

(Meanwhile, Mack spots an attractive-looking black girl and walks up to her.)

Mack: Hey there. Haven’t seen you around.

Girl: Yeah, my parents just moved here from Oakland. I’m Jodie.

Mack: Nice to meet you, Jodie. I’m Michael Jordan Mackenzie. Y’all can call me Mack.

Jodie: Michael Jordan? How’d you get that name?

Mack: Long story. So, How do you like Lawndale?

Jodie: It’s nice. Mostly white, though.

Mack: Yeah, that’s the price you pay in the suburbs.

Jodie: So, MACK, you gonna show me around?

Mack: Don’t mind if I do.

Scene 8: Trent is listening to music on headphones in his room when Jane walks in.

Jane: Hey, Trent.

(Trent waves hello.)

Jane: Trent, after meeting Daria today I’ve come to the realization that there are others like me. People who are just as alienated as I am. From now on, I’m not gonna worry about fitting in. I’m gonna dress the way I wanna dress, say what I wanna say. Screw everyone. I’m Jane Fucking Lane, artist and outcast!

Trent: (takes off headphones) Huh?

Jane: Never mind, Trentholomew. (leaves.)

Trent: (after a delay) Dammit, don’t call me that!

THE END