One Band Town
By
Danny Bronstein
SOUTH PARK DISCLAIMER: All characters and events on this show, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated..... poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
A little background on "South Park" (skip this if you watch the show) "South Park" is a cartoon on Comedy Central that's rated TV-MA, for a good reason. Basically, it's like a twisted, violent, offensive version of "Peanuts". It takes place in a sleepy, snowy little Colorado town which has so far seen visits by aliens, cattle mutilations, and a volcanic eruption. The mayor and police are total incompetents, and Jesus Christ is alive and hosts a call-in advice show there. The show focuses on four third graders: Stanley Marsh, "the cute one", is a somewhat naive kid who wears a brown jacket and a snow cap. His dad is the town geologist, his sister, Shelly, wears braces and headgear and beats him up a lot, his grandfather is 102 and can't wait to die, and his uncle, Jimbo, is a Vietnam veteran who likes hunting and hangs out with a guy named Ned who has no voice box. Stan likes a girl named Wendy Testeberger and used to vomit whenever she talked to him. Kyle Broslofsky, "the smart one", wears a green snow cap with earflaps and an orange jacket. Kyle has a baby brother named Ike who looks like a football and whom Kyle likes to kick around. Kyle's mom is opposed to toilet humor shows, particularly the kids' favorite cartoon, "Terence and Philip", which is basically Beavis & Butt-head with British accents. Kyle is Jewish. Eric Cartman, "the fat kid", wears a red jacket, weighs 90 lbs. and is probably the most foul-mouthed of the four. Cartman was once abducted by aliens and anal-probed, which gave him the temporary ability to fart fire. Kenny McCormick, "the lucky one", wears an orange hooded parka that covers his entire face except his eyes. He speaks in a weird muffle that is completely unintelligible to the viewers, but the people around him understand him perfectly fine. Kenny is killed in every episode. Another important character is the school's Chef (voiced by Isaac Hayes, the guy who sang the theme from "Shaft"). He's a chubby black guy who is a ladies' man and UFO believer, and a good friend of the four kids. In almost every episode he ends up talking about sex (or more specifically, "making sweet love"), and often sings a song. The kids' incompetent teacher is Mr. Garrison, a balding man with glasses who in never seen without his hand puppet, has sex with pigs, acts gay "to get chicks", and has a lifelong grudge against Kathie Lee Gifford for upstaging him at a talent show when they were kids.
PART 1
Scene 1: The South Park amphitheatre. A rock band much like Trent's is playing there. They finish a song.
Lead singer: OK, that's it everyone. Thank you very much.
(We get a look at the audience, there are very few people at the concert. There is sporadic clapping. The only person excited is Cartman.)
Cartman: Yay! Spiral Taps kick ass!
Stan: No they don't. They haven't done any new songs for years.
Kyle: Yeah, dude. Just because your cousin's the lead singer doesn't mean they're the best band in the world.
Cartman: Shut up! I'll kick your ass!
Kyle: Face it, Cartman. Your cousin's band is getting old. Nobody cares about them any more.
Cartman: You cocksucker! You don't know what you're talking about!
Kyle: Don't call me a cocksucker, fatass!
Cartman: Kyle is a cocksucker! Kyle is a cocksucker!
Stan: Hey Kenny, what's a cocksucker?
Kenny: Mmm b b Mmmm. Mmm m m m m. Mm m mm.
Stan: Ewww. That's sick, man!
Scene 2: The mayor's office. The mayor, a woman with grayish beehive hair, is there with 2 staff members, Bill and Ted.
Mayor: Boy, the ticket sales for the Spiral Taps concert were miserable this year! They're even worse than the year before!
Bill: Ms. Mayor, the Spiral Taps have been the only band performing here for the last 7 years. I think people are getting sick of them.
Mayor: But they're the only popular band to come out of South Park! No other band is willing to play in this town or has even heard of it! Spiral Taps is the only thing that draws in crowds!
Ted: Ms. Mayor, I have a suggestion.
Mayor: Yes?
Ted: I have a friend in Denver whose brother is in a rock band.
Mayor: And?
Ted: Well, maybe we could get the band to come here and perform. They're not a popular band, but it might be a good alternative to Spiral Taps, and the people would probably want to check it out.
Mayor: Excellent idea. Contact your friend in Denver immediately.
Ted: Yes, Ms. Mayor.
Scene 3: The Lane house in Lawndale. Trent and Jesse are practicing in the basement. Jane and Daria enter.
Jane: Hey Trent!
(Trent and Jesse don't hear.)
Jane: Trent!... TRENT!
Trent: (stops playing) Huh?
Jane: You got a letter from Summer in Denver.
Trent: Oh, cool. (takes letter, reads it) Hey, it says we're invited to perform a concert in South Park, Colorado!
Jesse: All right!
Daria: Are you sure you want to go there? That place has been on Sick Sad World six times in the past year.
Trent: Who cares? It's a gig, isn't it?
Jesse: So, how are we going to get there? Are we taking the Tank again?
Trent: I guess. But like I said before, it eats gas. (using tone of voice indicating that he obviously wants the girls to come along) I wonder how we'll get gas money.
Jane: Daria and I will chip in if you take us along, won't we, Daria?
Daria: Jane, could I talk to you alone for just a second?
Jane: (to the guys) Excuse us.
(Daria and Jane move to a spot farther away from Trent and Jesse)
Daria: OK, let me get this straight. You want me to go with you on another agonizing road trip to a concert in a tiny hick town, in a van with no air or seat belts, solely based on the fact that I like your brother, who apparently neither notices nor feels the same way?
Jane: Well, yeah, basically. Are you in?
Daria: Oh, hell, why not?
PART 2
Scene 1: Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane get into the van (Trent and Jesse in the front, Daria and Jane in the back, as usual) and drive off. Side view of the van as it goes through various types of roads and landscapes (plains, forests, mountain roads). Day becomes night, night becomes day, they pass the Colorado state line, then, at last, they make it to town.
Scene 2: The van as it goes through town. The girls are wearing sweaters and jeans. The guys are wearing jackets.
Jane: So where are we staying?
Trent: Well, they got us accomodations at the South Park Manor.
Daria: Sounds grand.
Trent: This looks like the place.
(The van stops at a small motel.)
(The 4 of them and a short, balding guy enter a room.)
Man: Well, here is your room. Now, there's a question everyone seems to ask me sooner or later, so I'll answer it now. You see that light fixture up there? (everyone looks at the ceiling.) That's not a camera.
Daria: Then why is it making a buzzing noise?
Man: I dunno. But feel free to order any porno movies. Enjoy your stay.
(Leaves)
(Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse look around.)
Daria: Great. There are four of us, and only 2 beds.
Jane: Hey Daria, maybe you can sleep in the same bed with--
Daria: (jabs Jane with her elbow) Shut up!!
Jesse: We have some spare sleeping bags in the van. Trent and I can take those and you girls can sleep in the beds.
Daria: You keep sleeping bags in the Tank?
Jane: Yeah, as a band they're supposed to in case they want to "bang the groupies".
Daria: I thought they avoid groupies.
Jane: They do. They just want to look cool in front of all the other bands.
Daria: I see.
Scene 3: A room where the Spiral Taps band is hanging out. The lead singer, Blake Cartman, is reading the South Park newspaper. The headline says: LAWNDALE BAND MYSTIC SPIRAL TO PERFORM IN AMPHITHEATER.
Blake: This is an outrage.
Bass guitarist: What's wrong?
Blake: South Park is our turf! Nobody plays South Park but us!
Drummer: What's the big deal? They're only doing one show anyway.
Blake: It's a matter of principle. When you're a town's favorite band, you don't give up that title to anyone! Haven't you read the Bible passage, "Thou shalt not... Uhh... do unto others as thine... ass shalt not be coveted by another... harp playing group?"
Bassist: Whoa.
Drummer: That's deep.
Bassist: So what do you plan to do?
Blake: I think I'll sabotage the concert.
PART 3
Scene 1: The hotel room. Daria wakes up. Jane is still asleep. Daria doesn't see Trent and Jesse anywhere. She turns on the TV. "Terence and Philip" is on.
Philip: Hey Terence, I think I think I hear something.
Terence: What is it, Philip?
(Philip farts. Terence and Philip laugh.)
Terence: Hey Philip. Pull my finger.
(Terence farts. T&P laugh.)
Daria: Gee, I wonder who this reminds me of. (Changes channel. "Jesus and Pals" is on.) Jesus Christ: Yea. Have faith in me and ye shall have peace. We still have time for a few more calls. Hello, you're on.
Voice: Yes, hello, Jesus? This is Joel.
Jesus: Hello Joel. Did you take my advice?
Voice: Yes I did, Jesus. My boss doesn't yell at me as much as he used to. Thank you.
Jesus: Any time, Joel.
Daria: Hmm. (picks up phone)
Jesus: Hello, you're on.
Daria: Hi, Jesus?
Jesus: Yes, Daria from Lawndale. What's on your mind?
Daria: How did you know my name?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac. Do you have a question?
Daria: Uh, yeah. There's this guy I know, and I think I really like him, and this is kind of weird because I'm not usually attracted to guys, or people in general, but this guy I know is really cool and nice and smart and he's in a band, and I'm not sure he feels the same way about me and I don't know what to do and...
Jesus: Well, have you told Trent how you feel?
Daria: How did you know his name was...
(TV switches off of program to the Jesus and Pals title screen.)
Announcer: That's it for Jesus and Pals. Stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews on South Park Public Access.
Daria: Dammit. (Hangs up phone, notices Jane looking at her smugly)
Daria: How much of that did you hear?
Scene 2: South Park Elementary, in Mr. Garrison's class.
Garrison: Good morning, class. It's time for Mr. Hat's history lesson. Right, Mr. Hat? (takes out hand puppet, throws voice) Right, Mr. Garrison. Today's lesson is about the Civil War. The Civil War was fought between the North, led by General Abraham Lincoln, and the South, led by General Adolf Hitler. Now, the North was trying to save the black Hebrew slaves and...
Stan: Hey dudes, the Mystic Spiral concert is tonight.
Kyle: Yeah, hope it kicks ass.
Cartman: That gay band's gonna suck.
Kyle: How do you know that? You haven't even heard them.
Cartman: Well, they're not Spiral Taps.
Kyle: Will you forget about your cousin's stupid dildo band? They've been sucking for the last 3 years!
Cartman: Screw you!
Kenny: Mmmh pp mmmh. Mmm-mm-mmmh.
(Stan and Kyle laugh.)
Stan: Good one, Kenny.
Cartman: Shut up, Kenny! Why don't you go back to Greenland like the other Irish?
Kyle: There are no Irish in Greenland, you moron.
Garrison: Uh, excuse me, children. You seem to be disrupting my lesson. Is there a problem?
Stan: Yeah, Cartman's bad-mouthing the new band!
Garrison: (sighs) Now you see, children, this is a prime example of intolerance. Remember, tolerance is very important in society. Without it, there would be a lot of unfair slander like Eric was demonstrating just now. OK, Mr. Hat, continue. (Takes out hand puppet, throws voice) Well, Mr. Garrison, the South had the Indians on their side, and the Indians were horrible savages with no remorse...
PART 4
Scene 1: The amphitheatre at twilight. The place is a full house. Backstage, Trent and Jesse have their guitars strapped on and are ready to perform. They look nervous.
Trent: My, we've never had to play in front of a crowd so large.
Daria: Relax, Trent. I hear most of these people have almost no knowledge of popular bands and are just happy to hear a new one.
Trent: Thanks, Daria.
Daria: Anytime, Trent.
Jane: We'll see you after the show.
(they walk away.)
Jane: You know, Daria, thanks to you they might just make it without screwing up.
Daria: Yeah, I'm sure he'll come running into my arms afterward.
(they sit down somewhere near the stage.)
Voice of announcer: Welcome everyone to the one-night-only Mystic Spiral concert!
(audience claps and cheers)
Jane: Wonder if they'll ever get this kind of attention again.
Announcer: Here to sing the national anthem is South Park's very own Kenny McCormick.
(Everyone stands up. Kenny comes up to the mike, clears his throat and begins to sing. He sings the lyrics in his usual parka-muffled voice, sounding like a kazoo. The audience, however, loves it. Several people have tears in their eyes.)
Chef: Mmm-hmm. That boy sure can sing.
Jimbo: He may be a dirty little bastard, but he's got quite a voice.
Ned: (robotically) I wish I could sing like that.
(Kenny finishes the song, and the audience goes wild, clapping and cheering and whistling. He leaves the stage and goes to the back of the amphitheatre where Stan, Kyle and Cartman are.)
Stan: That was some nice singing, Kenny.
Kenny: Mmmh.
Announcer: And now, coming to you straight from Lawndale, the one and only Mystic Spiral!
(Crowd cheers. Trent and Jesse come on stage)
Jesse: Here's a song that we wrote not too long ago. It's called "Ice Box Woman".
(Start playing)
Trent: You're an angel in black, You sure have a knack...
Meanwhile, Blake approaches the incompetent Officer Barbrady, who is working security.
Blake: Good evening, Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Hello there, Blake. Having fun?
Blake: Uh, yeah. Listen, do you mind if I go backstage?
Barbrady: I'll have to see your pass.
Blake: Sure. Here you go.
(Blake shows the cop a piece of notebook paper that says, in grade-school level handwriting, BLAKE'S OFFISHUL BAKSTAGE PASS.)
Barbrady: Go ahead.
Blake: Thanks. (walks by.)
The crowd seems to be enjoying themselves.
Stan: See, Cartman? They're not so bad.
Cartman: Yeah, they're all right, I guess.
(Kyle notices Blake sneaking by)
Kyle: Hey, is that Blake?
(focus on Daria and Jane)
Jane: Hey, I think I saw some guy creep by. Did you see it?
Daria: Yeah. I don't think that guy is supposed to be there.
Jane: Something strange is going on.
(focus back on the 4 boys)
Kenny: Mmm mmm MMMH!
Kyle: Hey, I think he's right! We have to stop him!
(Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run to the front but are stopped by Officer Barbrady)
Barbrady: You can't get past this point without a pass.
Stan: Officer Barbrady! Blake Cartman's going to try to sabotage the concert!
Barbrady: Nonsense! He showed me a backstage pass.
Cartman: Blake never told me he got a backstage pass!
(Kenny sneaks past the officer)
Barbrady: Hey you! Come back here!
(Kenny gets up on stage right in front of an amp right when Blake turns the volume control to full blast. The loud sonic force breaks all glass nearby and sends Kenny flying. He's shot clear out of the amphitheatre and falls down a nearby ravine, bouncing on sharp rocks and landing with a thud at the bottom.)
Kyle: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastard!
Trent: What the hell?
Mayor: What in God's name is going on?
(Blake makes a run for it but is tackled by Daria, causing him to fall.)
Blake: (pushing her off) Get the hell away from me, bitch!
Jane: (kicking Blake in the back of the head) Don't call my friend a bitch, you dickhead! What the hell is your problem?
Blake: No band plays South Park but mine!
Daria: What the hell is this, a turf war?
Stan: (to Blake) Yeah, dude, music's not about taking control of land or about who's better. Right, Cartman?
Cartman: (not knowing whose side to take) Uh, yeah. I guess.
Barbrady: (arresting Blake) Okay, let's go, young man. I'm going to have to detain you for the rest of the event. It's a good thing no one was hurt.
(Stage crewmen adjust the volume back to normal.)
Kyle: (to Trent and Jesse) Sorry about that, guys. Technical difficulties. Go ahead.
Trent and Jesse start over. The rest of the show goes fine and everyone has a good time.
PART 5
Scene 1: After the show, Trent and Jesse are putting stuff away when Daria, Jane and a young woman who looks like a late-twenties, blond version of Jane approach.
Jane: Hey Trent. Look who it is.
Trent: Summer!
Summer: Hey there, Trent.
(Trent and Summer hug.)
Summer: Good show you put on today.
Trent: Thanks. And thank you for getting us this gig. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
Summer: Don't mention it.
Trent: And sorry about the little "technical difficulty."
Summer: Oh, don't worry about it. A week from now, everybody will have regained all 100% of their hearing.
Trent: Yeah. So, where are your kids?
Summer: Oh, right over there. (calling) Hey, Winter! Autumn! Spring! Come over here and say hi to your uncle!
(a bored looking boy and 2 girls come over. They have the usual Lane eyes and look to be between the ages of 6 and 8.)
Winter: Hey, Uncle Trent.
Autumn: How's it going?
Spring: W'sup.
Trent: Hey. Uh, how's school?
Winter: Boring.
Autumn: Held back.
Spring: Dropping out.
Trent: I see.
Scene 2: Trent and Jesse are standing with the Mayor in front of a crowd.
Mayor: (obviously reading off teleprompter) We, the people of South Park, would all like to thank Musty Spiral...
Trent: Mystic Spiral.
Mayor: Whatever. ...for coming all the way over here and performing for us.
(Mayor does a super-wide photo op grin as pictures are taken.)
Scene 3: Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane are walking to the van.
Jane: Well, all in all, this whole thing went pretty well.
Daria: Looks like you spoke too soon.
(Blake and the band members are standing in front of the van.)
Blake: Hello, Trent.
Trent: Hey, it's you. (whispering to Daria) Who is this guy?
Blake: I'm the guy who's not too happy that another band is trying to steal the spotlight from mine.
Jesse: Wait a minute. This must be the guy behind the "technical difficulty".
Trent: Man, you've got some nerve!
Jane: (to Daria) I've never seen Trent get angry before. This is going to be interesting.
Blake: Anyway, I'm not really one to hold a grudge and resort to physical violence, so I propose that we settle this in the gentlemanly manner. I propose a duel.
Daria: What, you mean like with guns?
Blake: Hell no! Shit, what kind of vengeful psycho do you take me for?
(Daria and Jane start to open their mouths)
Blake: Shut up. No, I mean a musician's duel. You do know what that is, don't you? (our heroes just look at him blankly) Page 6 in the handbook?
Trent: Oh, OK. (pulls out booklet that says MUSICIAN'S HANDBOOK, flips through it.) Oh, here it is. "A musician's duel is when 2 musicians engage in a contest using instrument of the challenger's choice".
Blake: Well, what do you say? It's the only way to see who is the better musician.
Trent: Sorry, dude. I don't do that kind of stuff.
Blake: Oh, come on! What are you, chicken?
Daria: Trent, you don't have to do it!
Blake's bandmates: Chicken! BAK-bak-bak-bak-BAK!
Trent: Oh, fine. You're on, Blake. But I'm not doing it to show who's better, I'm doing it to teach your sorry ass a lesson! And it better be an instrument I can play, or else no duel.
Blake: Very well. Meet me at the clock tower on top of the hill at high noon tomorrow.
(Our heroes just stare at Blake blankly)
Blake: (sigh) Take Route 44 ten minutes north from the Town Square, make a left turn at Maple...
PART 6
Scene 1: Trent is standing at the clock tower. Also present are Daria, Jane, Jesse, Summer, Summer's kids, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and the Chef. The clock shows 11:59. Blake and his band show up.
Blake: Glad you could make it, Trent.
Trent: Glad to see you too, Blake.
Blake: (opens a suitcase) OK, Trent. Choose your weapon. (there are 2 banjos inside. Trent takes one.)
Jane: Wow. Dueling banjos.
Daria: Bring out the rednecks.
Blake: OK. When the clock strikes noon, we begin.
Trent: (shrugs) Sounds good to me.
(The clock shows 11:59. "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" theme plays. Close-up of Trent's determined eyes. Close-up of Blake's determined eyes. The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Daria and Jane. Close-up of Summer. The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Jesse. Close-up of Summer's kids. Autumn yawns. The clock shows 11:59. Close-up of Stan, then Kyle, then Cartman. Close up of the Chef. The clock shows 11:59.)
Chef: God dammit, what the hell is taking so long?
Stan: Hey, look at the sign on the door!
(sign on door says: DUE TO REMODELING, THE CLOCK WILL NOT BE OPERATIONAL TODAY. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.)
Cartman: (looks at watch) My watch says 12:30.
Kyle: So does mine.
Summer: Mine too!
Blake: Oh, hell, let's just begin.
Trent: Fine.
(Blake strums a chord. Trent strums the same chord. Blake and Trent basically do the whole Dueling Banjos routine from "Deliverance" all the way up to the Yankee Doodle-ish part, then the really intense and fast part. The small crowd looks pretty amazed. The melody just gets faster and faster, with Blake trying to make Trent mess up and Trent doing a pretty good job of keeping up. Smoke starts to come out of the banjos.)
Daria, Jane, Jesse, Summer, Summer's kids, Stan, Kyle, Chef: Come on,
Trent! Come on, Trent!
Blake's band: Come on, Blake! Come on, Blake!
Cartman: Come on Trent! Or... Blake! or... GOD-DAMMIT!
(Suddenly one of Blake's strings breaks and he stops playing. Trent plays the conclusion of the melody.)
Kyle: Hey! Trent won!
(Everyone cheers for Trent)
Blake: God-DAMMIT! (hurls away banjo)
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the hill, where the edge of a cliff is, Kenny crawls out. Turns out he's still alive. The banjo bounces off his head, this causes him to fall off the edge. Kenny tumbles into the river below, where the fast-moving current carries him over a waterfall, and he gets impaled on the jagged rocks below. Rats come and start nibbling and picking apart his carcass.
Blake: Well, I guess we all know who the better musician is. Congratulations, Trent.
Trent: No, Blake. There is no better musician. I think the lesson to be learned here is that music isn't about the better band or any sort of turf war. Your whole attitude was pointless, Blake, and I hope this experience taught you something.
Blake: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Spring: But he still beat you at Dueling Banjos! Nyah nyah nya-nya nyah!
All the kids: Nyah nyah nya-nya nyah!
Blake: Grr. Let's go guys.
(Blake's band leaves.)
Scene 2: At the hotel room that night. Daria is sitting, watching TV.
Jane comes in.
Jane: Hey Daria, are you busy tonight?
Daria: Does it look like I'm busy tonight?
Jane: Trent asked Jesse to ask me to give you this. (hands Daria a note.
Daria opens it. It says: MEET ME AT STARK'S POND AT 9:00. -TRENT)
Daria: I wonder what he wants.
Jane: (sarcastically) Gee, Daria, your guess is as good as mine. (Daria scowls at her.)
PART 7
Scene 1: Daria waits at Stark's Pond, nervously. Trent shows up. He has his guitar.
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Hey, Trent.
Trent: How are you?
Daria: Fine. And you?
Trent: Great.
(pause)
Trent: Uh, I have a song here, if you want to hear it.
Daria: Umm, o--kay...
Trent: Great. (takes out music sheet, sets it down) Well, here goes.
(starts playing)
Trent: (singing)
I'm gonna make love to ya woman,
Gonna lay you down by the fire,
And caress your womanly body,
Make you moan, and perspire,
(Daria starts to feel really uncomfortable)
Trent: Gonna make love, make love, lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove...
Daria: Trent, what the hell are you singing?
Trent: Uh, apparently a make-out song I got from that Chef guy and really should have read first.
Daria: You got a make-out song from the Chef?
Trent: Yeah, after I asked him for advice on how to get you to like me. He seems to know a lot about this stuff.
Daria: Trent, am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?
Trent: Yes, Daria. I like you. There, I said it. I don't know if you feel the same way, and I know there's kind of an age difference, but that's the way I feel and...
Daria: Trent?
Trent: Yeah?
Daria: I like you too.
Trent: You do?
Daria: Yeah!
Trent: Cool.
Daria: OK then.
(Camera focuses on Daria, then Trent, then Daria, then Trent, as "Romeo and Juliet" love theme plays. They move forward to kiss.)
Daria: Trent?
Trent: Yeah?
Daria: Sometimes when I get really nervous, I have a tendency to become nauseous.
Trent: Are you nervous?
Daria: No... Yes... No... BLEAAAAAH!
(vomits all over Trent)
Daria: Oh my God! Trent, I'm so sorry!
Trent: That's OK, I'm in a band, remember?
Daria: This is so embarrassing!
Trent: Really, it's all right, I'll never hold it against you.
Daria: You really mean it?
Trent: Yeah!
Daria: OK...
(pause)
Trent: (points at vomit on the ground) Hey, what's that?
Daria: Looks like a French fry.
Trent: Cool. What's that?
Daria: Looks like part of a pizza.
Trent: Cool. What's that?
(Camera pans away from silhouettes of our two lovebirds as they have an enjoyable discussion about Daria's vomit. "I'm gonna make love to ya woman" plays in the background in the Chef's voice.)
Scene 2: The Chef is driving his car on the highway when he spots another car with a flat tire by the side of the road. There is a woman standing by the car. Chef pulls over and gets out.
Chef: Hello there, ma'am.
Ms. Barch: Get the hell away from me, you man.
Chef: My, aren't we testy. Are you going to Denver?
Ms. Barch: Yes, I'm going to a feminist convention there and I don't need any man talking to me.
Chef: OK, but I can change that tire if you'd like. Don't say I didn't offer to help. (walks to his car.)
Ms. Barch: Are you sure you know how to change a flat tire?
Chef: Oh yes indeed, ma'am. Changing a flat tire is like... well, making sweet love to a beautiful woman such as yourself. You gotta be careful with it. Make the car feel like it's the most special thing in the world and you're there to...
Ms. Barch: (angry) Well are you going to change my flat tire or ain'tcha?
Chef: Yes ma'am, right away.
PART 8
Scene 1: At the van. Trent, Jesse, Daria and Jane are packing up, ready to leave. A bunch of people are there, Summer among them.
Summer: Well, it's been nice seeing you again. Look me up if you're ever in Denver.
Trent: We will, Summer.
Jane: Good luck finding Summer Jr., OK?
Summer: Thanks.
Trent: OK, everybody ready?
Jesse: Let's go.
(The 4 of them get in the van and it drives away. The crowd waves.)
Stan: Bye! Nice meeting you!
Daria: (voice fading as the van gets farther away) Nice meeting you too!
Stan: (to Kyle and Cartman) Now that that band is gone and Spiral Taps isn't playing here for a while, whose concert are we going to go to?
Cartman: Hanson is performing in Colorado Springs on Friday. I hear those chicks are really fine.
Kyle: OK, we can go see them.
Stan: Yeah.
Scene 2: In the van as it leaves Colorado. This time Daria is sitting up front with Trent, and Jane and Jesse are sitting in the back.
Trent: All in all, I think everything turned out all right.
Daria: Yeah. The town was Highland with snow, but the people seemed nice. Well, most of the people.
Jane: I'll bet not one person in Lawndale has heard of this place.
Daria: You're probably right.
Meanwhile, in the Chef's bedroom...
Ms. Barch: (moving closer to the Chef) Mmm, how about some more of that good lovin', Chef?
Chef: Damn, woman! I just gave you sweet lovin' five minutes ago! You tryin' to kill me?
THE END