Spring Break in Hell
By
Dr Belch

SPRING BREAK IN HELL: THE CAST

DARIA MORGANDORFFER (see alt.lawndale.com bio)

JANE LANE (see alt.lawndale.com bio)

JONATHAN M. SWEET, a teenage super hero who dedicated his life to the benefit of mankind after being given super powers by a chemical explosion--super strength, invulnerability, psychokinesis, etc. Is the leader of a group of teenage vigilantes called the Treehouse Warriors.

JOSHUA CLINE, SWEET's oldest and dearest friend. Comes off a little brash and foulmouthed at times, but his loyalty is unquestionable.

BENJAMIN SWEET, JON's younger brother. Has a speech impediment that garbles his speech so that only JON seems able understand anything he says. Sounds like a cross between Dizzy Devil on "Tiny Toon Adventures" and "South Park"'s Eric Cartman. A little hot-tempered but loyal to the cause.

TIMOTHY SWEET, the youngest of the Warriors, is a perpetual thumb sucker and a bit of a pyromaniac. Usually doesn't get to go on the big missions because of his young age, but is a loyal Warrior just the same.

ANGELA LARKIN, JON's beautiful yet tough feminine lead, is a long-suffering heroine. She has feelings for JON that she finds difficult to express except after the heat of a battle. Her unrequited passions surge whenever JON does his rescuing-the-damsel-in-distress bit, and especially when she gets to play the damsel.

BILLY CLINE, JOSH's younger brother, has an unlucky streak which makes "SP"'s Kenny McCormick look like Gladstone Gander (the lucky duck in those old Mickey Mouse comics) buy comparison.

MOLINA, the empath and psychic, likes to dabble in the occult. Skeptics like JOSH dismiss her beliefs as purer horses-----until they come in handy to save the Warriors' collective ass.

CURTIS SWEET, JON's father, is authoritative and somewhat opinionated, but cares about his family. The voice is reminicent of Pete from "The Goof Troop".

ANNIE SWEET, JON's mother, has the voice and mannerisms of a Marge Simpson, which belie an inner strength that, alas, can only be hinted at here.

MARCIE SWEET, JON's older sister, knows of her brother's wild night life and is very supportive, though not totally approving.

DEMI-JON, JON's evil half, is a genetically enhanced humanoid clone with plans of world domination and carrying out his long-dead "father"'s dream of a race of mutants to worship and follow him.

HARLEY DAVIDSON, DEMI-JON's love interest, is a biker chick with a voice that sounds like someone spliced the late great comedian Sam Kinnison with "227"'s Jackee and a rusty door hinge.

MOJO is DEMI-JON's hired thug and right hand goon. For some reason, no one is able to get his name right.

ASSORTED JIGABOO GOONS--they need no introduction.

LUIGI, the Italian waiter at Libido's International Pizza.

HABIB, the Pakistani convenience store guy.

TONY MONERAN, the neighborhood bully and nemisis of JON and the Warriors.

BUDDY, JON's loyal canine companion. Part beagle; small tan dog with floppy brown ears and blue collar. Sounds like the animated version of Beetlejuice.

BRANDY, BUDDY's mate, is a reddish-brown Heinz-57 with pointed ears and a pink collar. Sounds like BJ's gal pal Lydia from the 'toon.

PUNKIN, a skinny orange tomcat with a chewed ear and bandaged tail. Sounds like Woody Allen.

JAKE MORGANDORFFER

HELEN MORGANDORFFER

QUINN MORGANDORFFER

******** Part 1 *********
for my father, God rest his soul

(As the scene opens, it is a Wednesday, sometime in mid-March. DARIA and JANE are on spring break and are taking Trent's friend's van "The Tank" on a road trip from Lawndale, California to Athens, Georgia, to see Trent's band Mystic Spiral in concert.
BG MUSIC: The radio is softly playing Bob Dylan's "Knocking on Heaven's Door"--an ironic choice, seeing as the title has the word "hell" in it, but an appropriately sad, slow, sentimental-sounding beat.Somehow perpetual slackers Trent and his pal Jesse managed to scrape up enough cash for two plane tickets to "the cradle of civilization", as Trent calls it in the most reverent tones he can muster. "That's ATHENS, Greece, dumbass," JANE admonishes him, but Trent is too obliviously and deliriously happy to hear her. Although they couldn't afford to bring the girls along too, JANE--knowing how DARIA feels about Trent--covinced her brother to arrange for them to drive The Tank all the way down South.
Pan in for a close up of the cab of The Tank. JANE is driving, Daria's perpetually deadpan face is tinged slightly with worry, and perhaps, a hint of nausea. )

DARIA (bland tone, as usual): Do you think this rustbucket'll have enough juice to make it to Atlanta?

JANE: Don't sweat it, DARIA. The Tank's an old soldier. She'll make it.

DARIA (dryly): Like it did on the way to Alternapalooza?

JANE: Like I said, don't sweat it. Trent and Jesse gave this baby an overhaul. She's purring like a kitten.

(As if on cue, The Tank makes a noise like a pistol shot, and heavy black smoke belches out from under the hood. DARIA and JANE, eyes popped open wide, are jerked up and down at the herky-jerky motion of the van. There is a sputter, and JANE manages to ease the old girl to the side of the road before she gives out altogether. DARIA composes her face into its usual hooded-eyed deadpan look and fixes JANE with a glare, saying) A kitten, huh?

JANE: O-kay, a kitten who just got backed over by a HumVee, how about that? (beats the steering wheel ineffectually with her fists) Damn! Two days on the road, not a lick of trouble. then, all of a sudden--damn! Where the hell are we, anyhow?

(DARIA pressed her face against the dirty glass of the passenger window--silently cursing the broken window cranks--and looks at a bullet-riddled road sign a stone's throw away.) A town called...Jigaboo Junction. (The worried look returns to her eyes.) There's something about that name I don't like.

JANE: That the town's name is a racial slur?

DARIA: No...not that. But the name sounds...familiar somehow. Didn't we see it on "Sick Sad World" one night?

JANE: Hmmm...yeah. Now I remember. (The two girls get out of the van and stand in the middle of a dusty dirt-and-cracked-cobblestone road overgrown with weeds on either side. In the distance, hills stretch for miles.) That expose coupla months back on the most violent towns in the U.S. Jigaboo Junction was right at the top of the list.

DARIA (recites with the practiced ease of a true "SSW" afficianado): Blacks outnumber whites in this town at least nine to one. Highest per capita rate of violent crime in the continental United States. Incompetent, corrupt police force. Greatest number of unsolved or just weird cases in its police files and court dockets. Every night, the town turns into a Bacchean bloodbath of racial violence.

JANE (dryly): My kinda burg. (glances at the surroundings) C'mon, DARIA. Let's go find a pay phone and see if we can reach the boys. I've got Trent and Jesse's phone number in the hotel room they're st-- (A loud screeching sound cuts JANE's words off neatly as a hot knife cuts cheese. A young BLACK TOUGH is running at top speed, legs and arms working furiously, on a paved street running perpendicular to the dirt road DARIA and JANE are stranded on. The two girls creep in for a closer look, hiding in some bushes. Seconds later, a black van--which looks like The Tank but is much more highly polished--bullets by, chasing the BLACK TOUGH.

BG MUSIC: "Hook" by Blues Traveler--particularly the fast part in the second half of the song; the music should swell as the suspect is apprehended.

The passenger side window opens up and, and a YOUNG MAN climbs out of it and onto the van's roof. DARIA and JANE crane their necks for a better look at this acrobatic display. The YOUNG MAN is dressed in a brilliant yellow cap decorated with glittering buttons and a long golden cape that cracks sharply as it is swept back in the stiff breeze. He wears glasses similar to DARIA's, but with blood-red frames. He whips some sort of boomerang-like weapon attached to a metal cable out of his beltloop--the hook is metal and shaped like a pair of glasses--whirls it over his head, and lets it fly. The hook whirls through the air and catches the BLACK TOUGH around the ankles, cutting his escape short and sending him with a heavy grunt to the ground. The YOUNG MAN leaps out of the van, still hurtling along at breakneck speed, and over the hanging branch of a nearby tree. The BLACK TOUGH is dragged along the cobbly street and then flies straight up into the air, where he dangles looking like the world's ugliest pinata by his ankles in the tree, muttering curses so foul they cannot be printed here without being bleeped repeatedly. The YOUNG MAN ignored the black tough's protests and proceeds to tie off the end of the cable to the tree's trunk.

DARIA and JANE's eyes are popped-open orbs of surprise. Jane whistles piercingly in admiration) and says) Wow. What a welcome.

DARIA: Maybe we should leave. I don't really like the idea of hanging upside down from a tree while enjoying the feeling of the blood rushing to my head.

JANE: Relax. We're white. Nothing to fear here. Just a couple of good old boys out having a time. What's to worry about?

DARIA: Ever see "Deliverance"?

(The van screeches to a halt and runs emphatically over a road sign, crushing it underneath the wheels. this seems to be the driver's standard means of announcing his attention to parallel park. A SECOND YOUNG MAN steps out to join the FIRST YOUNG MAN. He is blond-haired, green-eyed, and handsome enough to make JANE stop and blink. The animation style of the two young men is crude, suggesting stick figures, with thick lines suggesting limbs and round circular heads. Hair is suggested with a series of thinner lines; the SECOND YOUNG MAN has seven strands. This general guideline follows all through the script, although clothess and other physical features may be added to the basic character body shapes in order to give more depth to them.)

SECOND YOUNG MAN: Hey, JON, want me to take your picture with your latest catch?

FIRST YOUNG MAN (JON): I don't know, JOSH. He's kind of puny. Maybe I should throw him back.

SECOND YOUNG MAN (JOSH): You want his buddy? I think he's still back there where I left him.

JON: Yeah, you mean the driver? I think he might have gotten hurt when you rammed their car off the road. Better call an ambulance. (looks at BLACK TOUGH) As for you, you should know better than to try to bolt. We had you and your pal cold for that liquor store holdup.

JANE (looks at DARIA and whispers): See that, DARIA? Those two were crooks. I think the guys in the van are the vice squad.

DARIA: Since when do the police wear capes?

JANE: What is this, QUINN's fashion club? I don't know! But I bet it throws the fear of God into the criminal element. Anyway, I'm sure that if we ask real nice, they might loan us a pair of jumper cables --if they're not using them to string up some nigger from the highest tree. Don't be such a chicken, DARIA.

DARIA: I'm not a chicken. From what I hear, chickens usually get strung up by the neck, too. What makes you think we can trust these yokels?

JANE: Well--get a load of the driver. He's cu-uuu-ute!

(DARIA gives JANE a dirty look.)

JANE: What? (sullen) I never get to have any fun.

(The BLACK TOUGH mumbles some incoherent profanity at JON. JOSH pulls back his foot and makes to kick the BLACK TOUGH in the face; he cringes, pulls back, and shuts up.)

JOSH: I got a sawed-off boat paddle in the back of the van. If he puts up another fuss, I'll whack him in the head with it.

(The BLACK TOUGH whines and starts to blubber.)

JON: Don't think we'll need it, but thanks for offering. (suddenly stiffens)

JOSH (noticing): What's all the hubbub, bub?

JON: My super-sense just went off like a bad Mexican takeout dinner at three in the morning. We're being watched. (turns swiftly, calls out in an authoritative voice) You! Behind the bushes! Come out and show yourselves!

(DARIA and JANE, looking sheepish, creep out into the open.)

JOSH: Hell-llo-ooo-oo-o, nurses!

JANE: We aren't nurses. And speaking of nurses (pointing to BLACK TOUGH) I think he needs a couple.

JOSH: Coupla swift hard kicks in the ass, you mean. We tracked Sambo here and his buddy to Apex Liquors and Spirits, where they pistol-whipped a clerk, made off with a coupla hundred bucks, and flew the coop. This piece'a human waste (kicks dirt in the upturned face of the BLACK TOUGH) is headed right for a nice little room in the iron dormitory. The kinda place you don't wanna bend over in the shower reaching for the soap. if you catch my drift.

DARIA (glances at JON and says a touch cuttingly): Is your friend always this eloquent?

JON: Afraid so, ma'am. (looks DARIA over, drinking in her hair, glasses, and jacket, and seems to like what he sees. A tiny smile, more of a smirk than anything else, touches the right corner of his lips. DARIA appraises JON in much the same way and, though her face is totally deadpan, her eyes give her away.)

JANE (murmuring): I can see it now. "Identicla twins seperated at birth reunite after six years apart. Next on "Sick Sad World".

(JOSH, who is leaning on the side of his van, with his arms folded over his chest, catches that and raises his left eyebrow quizzically at JANE. JANE leans on the van next to him, folds her arms in the same manner, and cocks her right eyebrow at him. The effect is rather comical.)

DARIA: Please don't call me "ma'am". it makes me feel old. I'm DARIA. DARIA MORGANDORFFER. (She offers her hand, and JON shakes it.)

JON: I'm JONATHAN M. SWEET, and this is my good friend, JOSHUA CLINE.

JANE (looks briefly at BLACK TOUGH): The "M" must mean "macho".

JON: Actually, ma'am, it's "Mack". So you're not far off.

JANE: Actually, it's JANE, thank you. JANE LANE.

JOSH: What a monicker.

(JANE looks at JOSH sharply, he withers a bit.)

JON: You ladies new in town?

DARIA: What gave us away?

JON: Oh...your clothes, your accents...

JOSH: You're white. (snickers, then stops himself abruptly at JANE's glance) s---, sorry.

JON: Well, ma--DARIA--it is getting close to lunchtime. JOSH and I promised to meet some friends at Libido's at noon--do you like pizza, DARIA?

DARIA (bland, noncommittal): Mm-hmmm.

JON: Perfect. They make a great chicken and chocolate with extra cheese there. You'll love it.

DARIA (same tone): My fav.

(JOSH and JON return to their van with DARIA and JANE in tow. JOSH assumes his position in the driver's seat; JON in the passenger seat.

DARIA sits in the back seat behind JON; JANE behind JOSH.)

JANE (sotto voce, to DARIA): Great. I get to sit behind the filthy mouthed racist.

DARIA (sotto voce, to JANE): Down here, they call it Southern charm. Just grin and say "y'all" a lot.

[la la la la la...la la la la la...]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH..................................Jon

TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria

WENDY HOOPES...............................Jane

[this part available]......................Josh

 

********** Part 2 ************

[In our last act, DARIA and JANE have become stranded in the small Southern town of Jigaboo Junction, the most dangerous town in the U.S. They have just met up with two of the local boys--who appear to be their male lookalikes-- who have offered to take them out to lunch.]

(The scene opens on the interior of a pizza parlor...a quaint little place with large windows, red-and-white checkered tablecloths, and a homey, pleasant atmosphere. JONATHAN, DARIA, JOSHUA, JANE, BENJAMIN, TIMOTHY, BILLY, ANGELA, and MOLINA are seated around a circular table drinking soda and waiting for their orders.

All the members of JON's group are drawn in the same minimalist style, with simple lines and shapes for bdies and facial features. Eyes and mouths, like DARIA's and JANE's, are simple colored circles and lines used to suggest a variety of expressions.

BEN and TIM look almost identically drawn, except that TIM is smaller and perpetually sucks his thumb, and BEN has a grotesquely long tongue. ANGELA's hair is curly and blonde and tied in a hair ribbon; her eyes are blue. She has a pleasant voice, like that of Jasmine in Disney's "Aladdin". BILLY looks like a small JOSH but has only five lines of hair to JOSH's seven. MOLINA's dark skin tone suggests Indian or Chicano ancestry; her hair is deep brown and tied back in a ponytail. BG MUSIC: Wierd Al Yankovic's "Lasagna", a parody of "La Bamba". JON is talking to DARIA.)

JON: So...you're from Lawndale, eh?

DARIA: Yes. But I've only been there just under a year. Before that, I lived in Highland, Texas.

JON: Highland...Highland. Sounds familiar. Isn't that where they found uranium in the drinking water?

DARIA: You're right.

JON: You're lucky. Down here, all we have in our water is urine. (JANE, drinking from a glass of water, stops suddenly with her cheeks full and bulging, eyes popped open wide. She swallows thickly, deciding JON is making a joke. She hopes.)

BEN: Urr-rrgghhh! Growrrllraabba (eep) (sputt)!

JANE: What did he say?

JON: He asked how you girls happen to be up this way all the way from California.

JANE: Oh. Well...we borrowed my brother's pal's van. It eats gas like a mad bastard, but it can go like a camel.

DARIA: A sick camel. It conked out right here just outside Jigaboo Junction. JANE said Trent and Jesse fixed it up.

JANE: By "fixed it up", I meant they pissed away a Saturday afternoon drinking beer and watching chicks in the front yard while they left the hood up.

ANGELA: So how'd you persuade your brother to arrange for you to get the van?

JANE: Oh...that was easy. Just a little creative comparative bargaining.

DARIA: She means blackmail.

JANE: I threatened to rat on him after he and his pal Jesse set fire to one arm of the couch lighting farts in the living room with a Zippo lighter. (TIM reaches into his pocket and proudly displays his own pocket lighter, a Bic. JON points to him and shakes his head. He puts it back in his pants.)

ANGELA: Eew...gross!

JANE: Yeah...real Renaissance man, my brother. That's why we love him...eh DARIA girl? (winks at DARIA, who glowers nastily back at her friend.) My mom and dad are so clueless. They think my uncle Blaine did it falling asleep with a cigarette in his hand while watching the late-night flicks on the "All Naked Chick Channel" on our cable.

JOSH: Whoa--do we get that up here?

(ANGELA elbows him sharply.)

JANE: Thanks, sister.

ANGELA: don't mention it.

MOLINA: DARIA, I just love your aura. It's so cool and bland and nonthreatening.

DARIA: Thanks. I used to have this little yellow and red aura, then a black leather aura with a matching red skirt. But then I found this olive green aura and black skirt number, and I said, "Now this screams me."

TIM: When's the pizza gonna get here?

JON: It's coming, bulbhead. Hold your horses.

TIM (looking embarrassed): Don't call me bulbhead--dumbass!

JANE (grinning): C'mon, kid. Some of my best friends are bulbheads.

(TIM grins back, obviously finding JANE interesting.)

(From the direction of the kitchen comes a large, heavyset Italian man wearing a chef's hat and a pizza-sauce-and-olive-oil-stained apron, and a shirt open at the throat to show his thick black chest hair. He has a fat, pleasant face and a black handlebar mustache.)

LUIGI (the Italian waiter, speaks with a thick accent): Okay, piasanos! The pizza, she's-a comin' up hot and fresh-a! (He plunks down four pizzas, which he has been balancing on both outstretched arms, then does a double take as he sees DARIA and JON sitting next to each other, taking in their facial similarities.) Mama mia! Are-a you two related?

DARIA: I hope not. We're living in sin together.

JON: And we're very happy. Thanks for asking, LUIGI.

(LUIGI shakes his head. Then he notices JOSH and JANE.) Ah signor, JOSHUA! Who is your lovely bellisima?

JANE (eyebrow raised): Bellisima?

JOSH: Girlfriend, JANEY dear.

JANE (surprised): Hmmm? Oh, no, no. (voice thick, brows drawn) He's not my boyfriend. I have no boyfriend. I walk alone.

(LUIGI shakes his head and leaves. The group begans to divvy up the pizzas.)

JON: I'll have one slice of pepperoni and pickles with peanut butter and extra marshmallows, and a slice of the chunky chicken chutney and cheese with raisins.

DARIA: I'll try some of the pepperoni-peanut butter-marshmallow, too.

BEN: Urr-rrgghha-grrowllrrggh (sputt)!

JOSH: Sausage and spinach-pineapple for BEN, and--ah!--bacon and banana blitz with whipped cream and maraschino cherries for me.

JANE (thickly, a touch revolted): Breadstick, please.

ANGELA: Okay. Coconut and angel hair pasta here.

TIM: Pass me some of the jelly and licorice.

BEN: Urrgghh! Go long! (BEN stands up and lobs a slice to TIM like a football. The slice, steaming hot, thwacks BILLY in the face, burning him. He screeches like a girl. TIM peels it off BILLY's face in gooey strings and munches it with both hands.)

BILLY (pained): Just gimme a slice, don't throw it, okay? (BEN grins and drops one on his plate.)

MOLINA: I'll have the coconut and angel hair too, please.

JANE (sighs): What the hell. Live dangerously. Jelly and licorice me, B-man. (BEN passes her a plate with a slice, which she samples gingerly, and finds to her liking. The scene ends with everyone munching happily on pizza and chatting.)

[la la la la la...la la la la la.....]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH.........................Jon, Ben, Luigi

TRACY GRANDSTAFF............................Daria

WENDY HOOPES................................Jane

LINDA LARKIN (from "Aladdin").............Angela

[this part available].....................Billy

[this part available].....................Joshua

[this part available].....................Molina

[this part available]....................Timothy

******** Part 3 ***********

[After DARIA and JANE are stranded in Jigaboo Junction, they meet up with two young men who invite them to lunch at a local pizza parlor and introduce them to their friends, an unusual yet friendly bunch. After a--er--interesting meal, DARIA spends some time alone with the group's leader, and learns quite a bit about him and his wonderful, hellish world.]

(The scene opens on a city street. DARIA and JON are walking past the shops and stores of Jigaboo Junction, with BEN and TIM tagging along. Although DARIA stands only 5'2" and JON up near six feet, the two look eerily similar walking side by side--almost like twins, which explains the confusion that ensues in this act.

DARIA: Real nice of your friend JOSH to give JANE a lift back to The Tank. Think he can get the old girl back on line?

JON: If he can't, no one can. JOSH is our tech on the team. You remember the inside of our van?

DARIA: Yeah. Real fancy.

JON: We call her The Crook Buster. JOSH's idea. He did all that. Souped her up real fine. We've got more attachments than a Hoover factory-- helicopter, raft, rocket launcher, radar, TV, fuzz buster...

DARIA (eyes wide): No kidding?

JON: Nope. Say, we're here. I'm in the mood for dessert. Want some?

DARIA: I don't know. I'm a little full from that sixth slice of pepperoni-peanut butter gutbuster.

JON: That's OK. Come on inside with me anyway. You might change your mind. (He stops at the door of a convenience store on the corner, the Apexie- Mart, and opens the door for DARIA. A little bell rings. DARIA feels a touch patronized, but nonetheless appreciates the courtesy, and enters. BG MUSIC: Some weird Indian-type s--- would be apropos--scitars and finger cymbols and stuff. JON pauses at the ice cream freezer to look over the popsicles. BEN and TIM sort of bleed inconsoicuously into the background--perhaps perusing the magazine racks for porno. HABIB the counter guy spots DARIA standing in front of the counter, looking around.)

HABIB (a dark-skinned Indian type with a beard, speaks in a voice reminiscent of Apu from "The Simpsons"): Ah|! Meester Sweetchuck! Oh-- (gives DARIA the onceover from head to foot)--that is being an interesting look for you. But you are not having the legs for that skirt.

DARIA (confused, indignant): What?

JON (coming over): Oh, no, HABIB. This is my friend DARIA, from Lawndale. She's new in town. DARIA, this is HABIB.

HABIB: Oh! I am being so sorry, Miss Marlena! But you are looking so much like Meester Sweetchuck, I am thinking you are--hee! hee! hee! So sorry! Would you like a squishie?

DARIA: That's DARIA. What's a...squishie?

JON: You'll see. Two cheeseburger squishies, HABIB. (DARIA glowers a bit at JON for ordering for her, but says nothing.)

(Cut to outside shot of the convenience store, with DARIA and JON sitting on the curb sipping cheeseburger squishies from huge domed cups with straws. BEN and TIM are seated some distance off to the right, munching nachos from cardboard cartons. Their mouths are covered with cheese.) DARIA (smacks lips): This is pretty good.

JON: I knew you'd like it.

DARIA: Why did that HABIB guy call you "Mister Sweetchuck"?

JON: Oh, all my friends call me that--you know, like that little guy with the glasses in "Police Academy".

DARIA: Oh, because your last name is "Sweet"?

JON: Yeah.

DARIA: That's funny. I figured with a middle name like "Mack", they'd call you "Mackdaddy" or something.

JON: Really? Mackdaddy. I like that.

DARIA: A friend of mine back in Lawndale doesn't. His name is Michael Jordan Mackenzie. Everybody calls him "Mack"--except for the idiot quarterback of the football team. He always has to call him "Mackdaddy". He hates it. (pauses) At least you don't have a name that sounds like a body noise. There's this other guy in my school...Charles Ruttheimer. Everybody calls him Upchuck.

JON (sarcastic): Sounds like a real charmer.

DARIA (also sarcastic): Oh, he is. But it gets worse. I told you I used to live in Highland, didn't I? (JON nods.) There were these two idiots I went to junior high with. they used to call me--(painful pause)--Diarrhea.

JON: Diarrhea? (almost laughs, but decides against it)

DARIA: Yepper. (sighs) God, were they stupid.

JON: Gimme a for instance.

DARIA: Well, one of them checked into the hospital this one time after damn near burning his ass off. We still don't have a clue how he pulled that off.

JON: Goddamn.

DARIA: Gets worse. His friend came up with a plan one time to make some quick money by telling him to fake whiplash while he--the first guy--got in front of the bus and made it come to a stop. Well, the guy who stopped the bus wound up getting hit--and his buddy really did wind up with a hurt neck.

JON: s---!

DARIA: Oh, I've got lots more. Seems the two of them found a stolen ATM card and somehow figured out how to use it...then made off with a few thousand bucks.

JON: Sounds like they were in high corn.

DARIA: They were. Until the FBI caught up with them, beat the crap out of them, and arrested them in their house.

JON (chuckles): Not the sharpest crayons in the box, eh?

DARIA: Nope. Real TV nuts--especially music videos. I blame their parents...using TV as a babysitter.

JON: I blame the liberal government that thinks they can raise our kids better than we can.

DARIA: Amen. (pause) God, it's weird. We only have a couple of blacks in Lawndale. Until I came here, I didn't know a town could have so many.

JON: Yep. It's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.

DARIA: But if it's such a lousy place to live, why not move to a better neighborhood?

JON (slowly, as if it hurts): Because this one needs me to make it a better neighborhood. If I were to abandon it...I'd be no better than what it is I fight against. I have a promise to keep.

DARIA: To who?

JON: To me. (falls into a painful silence. DARIA blinks, taken slightly aback. JON sighs softly.)

BEN (to TIM): Hey, TIM. Pull my finger. (offers index finger and snickers. TIM pulls it. BEN farts thunderously, and the two boys laugh. BEN's chuckle is low and throaty; TIM's is high and nervous.)

DARIA (sighs): Your brothers remind me eerily of those two idiots back in Highland. Last I heard, they were dead. (looks piercingly at BEN and TIM, who wither somewhat)

JON: No kidding. So, DARIA--how do you like my little corner of the world?

DARIA: Well...the burning tire yard was cool, especially since the flames never go out...and the railroad tracks were nice, until that bunch of blacks threw bottles at us and tried to hit us with chains and two-by-fours...oh, and I really likes the big culvert down by Main Street. I bet you can stash a body down there and no one'd find it for days.

JON: Weeks. (inhales heavily) DARIA--

(JON is rudely cut off by a screeching voice from off-camera.) Hey! SWEET! You ugly four-eyed mud-sucker! Who you got with you--iz'zat your sister? Geez--what the hell did'jah do to her--she looks as ugly as you do! Hahahahahaha!!

DARIA (to herself): Upchuck's got nothing on this guy. (to JON) Friend of yours.

(TONY MONERAN enters. He is a short, loud punk with dirty-blonde hair, green eyes, snaggly teeth, and a black motorcycle jacket with a skull and crossbones on it. He is riding a bicycle.)

JON (blandly): Hello, MONTY.

MONERAN: Grr-rrr! Don't call me MONTY!

DARIA: Why not...MONTY?

MONERAN: Don't you start, you--who the hell are you anyway?

DARIA: Call me Esmerelda.

MONERAN: Shut up, Esmerelda! This ain't got nothing to do with you! It's between me and SWEET--and (points to BEN) you too, maggot bait!

BEN: Grrowllrrgghha! (gives MONERAN a raspberry) TIM (flips him the bird and grins, crouching behind BEN intending to use him as a human shield should fists fly): Yeah! Go away, MONTY! Pick on somebody your own damn size!

DARIA: Uh oh. I'm his size. What now?

MONERAN (thoroughly incensed): Shut up, Esmerelda. And you too, SWEET! All of you shut up! (A volley of unprintable expletives follows.) I ain't got time for this! I'm leavin'--but I'm coming back later to deal with you! (MONERAN releases the kickstand on his bike and pedals off--not noticing the empty squishie cups DARIA and JON have polished off and discarded in the street. Both his wheels get the cups and straws jammed between their spokes, and MONERAN is sent screaming over the handlebars and into the street with a thud. He does a barrel roll, staggers to his feet, and stares at his bloody, cut-up palms.) Ooh! SWEET, you did that on purpose! (DARIA and JON exchange glances and small smirking smiles.) I'll kill you both, you--(more expletives. MONERAN advances on JON, hands held out as if to strangle them--but he never has the chance. A speeding car slams into MONERAN and sends him careening into a lamppost. Dazed, MONERAN staggers blindly backwards into a loose manhole cover in the street, which flips up and sends him dropping into the sewer. There is a long howling scream and a distant splash.)

DARIA (looks worriedly to JON): Is he dead?

JON (smiles slightly): No. I'm not that lucky.

DARIA (sighs): What a town. So far I've been stranded, watched a suspect apprehended, gotten heartburn, been threatened, and about three times now been mistaken for your twin sister. What gives here?

JON (laughs): Well, you have to admit, DARIA, we do look a lot alike. it's the glasses, the blank expression, the attitude, how we both carry ourselves. (DARIA reflects on this. JON bows his head, then looks at DARIA, clears his throat, and says) DARIA, I've never met a girl like you. Would you and JANE like to come over to my house tonight for dinner? I was planning to have JOSH and BILL over too.

DARIA: I don't know. I don't think JANE likes JOASH much. But the dinner invite'll get her for sure--she's not one to turn down free grub. Say, do you know any good cheap hotels that'd put JANE and me up for the night? I don't know if your friend'll get The Tank back up and running again, and it'll probably take a couple of nights of sleeping in that van to really get the smell of dirty sweatsocks and old stale farts into my clothes real good--but I'm not really looking forward to spending another night there.

JON (brightens): Say, I got an idea. We have a nice treehouse. Why not crash there for the night, till we can get you up and out of this toilet bowl town?

DARIA: Lovely. Insead of a crick in my neck and smelly clothes, I get to enjoy vertigo, acrophobia, and the risk of falling to my death in the middle of the night when I get up to pee. [la la la la la...la la la la la...]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH..........Jon, Ben, Habib

DANNY COOKSEY.........Tony Moneran

TRACY GRANDSTAFF.............Daria

[this part available]......Timothy

********** Part 4 *********

[After The Tank breaks down in Jigaboo Junction and Jane and Daria eat lunch with a decidedly bizarre but friendly group of the locals, DARIA goes off alone for a while with JON, the Treehouse Warriors' sensitive, tormented leader and learns about the neighborhood he grew up in, which seems a twisted mirror-parody of her own idyllic life. She also notices the reaction of many people to the similarities between her and the young hero. JON, intrigued by DARIA, invites her and JANE to dine with his family that evening, and she accepts. If you think lunch was strange--!]

(The scene opens in the SWEET FAMILY dining room, in the evening. There is a large square table around which sit CURTIS at the head, his wife ANNIE, JONATHAN, DARIA, MARCIE, JOSHUA, JANE, BENJAMIN, TIMOTHY, and BILLY. Everyone is eating cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese--a restful change for lasagna every night for DARIA. TIM is holding his pocket lighter, which from time to time he lazily flicks into life. Underneath the table are BUDDY, BRANDY, and PUNKIN, waiting for scraps.

THe BG MUSIC for this scene may be coming from a radio someplace in the BG, playing slow, soft classical-type dinner music.)

(All through the following scene, we never see the faces of CURT or ANNIE. Only their voices are superimposed over their bodies, shot from below the collar. ANNIE wears a dress; CURT is in a pocket T-shirt that shows his strong, hairy arms.)

ANNIE: So, Darla. How do you like it here?

DARIA: DARIA. (swallows) So far, JANE and I have only been here a day. We broke down outside the city, and we met your son and his friend--(JON makes a cutting gesture with his fingers across his throat. Obviously his folks don't have a clue about his superhero lifestyle, and he would prefer to keep it that way, thank you very much.)--er--driving by just then. We flagged them down and asked for help. JON and his friends bought us lunch and offered to fix JANE's brother's friend's van up.

JOSH (mouth full): Yeah. Well, it's gonna take a while. The block's got more cracks in it than a butt convention, the hoses are shot to hell and leaking, the engine and the motor are covered in oil and look like crap, and goddamn if the radiator wasn't filled half up with cheap beer.

JANE (mutters): Damn that Jesse.

DARIA (continues): Anyway, MRS. SWEET, I find your town to be very-- uh -- interesting. Crowded, violent, dirty, and black. Real nice piece of land you've got here, ma'am.

JANE: We're thinking of renting a summer home here.

CURT (in the tone of one accustomed to giving long, bloviating speeches): It wasn't always this bad, Darlene--

DARIA (a touch exasperated): DARIA.

CURT (continues): --hell, I was born here, and I went to school here, and in my day, th' niggers knew their place. They had their own schools, their own housing, their own ever'thing. Then along comes integration, and damn if ever'thing doesn't go downhill. What the niggers ain't got a holt of, the goddamn Japs do. I bust my ass workin' in a sweatshop eight, ten hours a day t' put m' boys through school--

ANNIE (worried): CURT, please. Our guests--

CURT (continues): --and they dont eeven get that good an edjercation'cuz'a all den niggers running loose in the place. Teachers're too ascared to teach, and the white students're too ascared to learn. I left school and went to work early, but if I'd'a known how good I'd had it, I'd'a stayed in'nere. I didn't hafta go to school with a bunch'a niggers, and I actually learned sump'in.

ANNIE (still worried): CURT, not at the table.

CURT (continues): This was actually a damn fine neighborhood when we come down here from Chicago when JON was knee-high to a junebug 'bout ten, twelve years ago--then the niggers moved on in and took it over. All the respect'ble people up and high-tailed it to better neighborhoods, and I got half a mind to do it m'self--'cept I got fambly down here, 'n I don't want to leave 'em behind. I want m' kids to be close to their fambly--my fambly. But damn if it ain't hard. You're from California, ain't you, Delilah?

DARIA (thoroughly exasperated): DARIA.

CURT (smugly): Yeah. JON's got to go halway 'cross the county to find him a decent gal. (JON busies himself with his dinner, staring at his plate.) Nothin' roun' here but nigger girls, and I don't want none of my boys to never bring home no nigger woman. I don't care who they hitch up with, so long as she's white and they're happy.

ANNIE (coldly): CURT, if you don't stop now, I'm getting up and leaving the room.

MARCIE: Do what Mom says, Dad, before she leaves the table again. You always do this at the table! (She crosses her arms over her full bosom. She is about 25, with long brown hair done up in the front in a poufy boufont and violet eyes, Her pretty face is pouting now.) Either you argue with BENJAMIN, or you start cursing and barking orders at everybody! I can't stand it! I'm leaving! (storms into the living room)

CURT: Hey! (hollers) I'm your father! Don't do this to me! (bangs fist on tabletop. ANNIE, having had enough, sighs, throws her napkin down, and follows MARCIE into the living room.)

BEN: Urr-rrrgghha! Ggrrowllrrabballggrrabba (eep)(sputt)! (There are tears and anger in his eyes.)

JANE (sotto voce, to DARIA): I understood every word of that, and that scares me.

(CURT raises a hand to smack BEN, who raises a fist back. TIM flinches, drops his lighter on the floor, and fumbles under the table for it. He flinds it and puts it back in his pocket. Then he inserts his thumb in his mouth. Before violence can escalate, BEN storms out of the room. CURT follows, yelling.)

JOSH: Damn. I think we'd better split too. C'mon, BILL.

BILLY (mouth full): I'm still eating, dumbass.

JON (waves a hand dismissively): Take it with you. (BILLY scoops up a couple of burgers and the bowl of macaroni and cheese, and exeunts.)

Take TIM with you, too. He's starting to bawl. (JOSH exits with the sobbing TIM, who is sucking his thumb furiously.)

JANE: I-I better pop out, too. This whole thing is starting to look too much like my last family reunion. (loud voice, in the direction of the next room) Hey, yo, JOSH! Wait up! BILL! Toss me a burger, kid, would'jah? (JANE exeunts.)

DARIA (watches JANE leave, then looks at JON): Charming lot, aren't they?

JON: Just teetering on the brink of dysfunctional, that's us, but hell, they're mine, and I love 'em. I don't suppose your folks are anything like this.

DARIA: Not really. They're your basic overstressed upper middle-class type...workahlic mother, father who doesn't know I'm alive, glamourpuss little sister--just a Barbie girl living in the Barbie world. To complete the effect, I even have padded walls in my room--left over from a schizophrenic who lived there last. You'd be surprised how often padded walls come in handy.

JON: Righteous. My room's walls are blood-red--a lovely shade, if I do say so myself--and I decorated them with some pop icon posters and these two petrified cat skins I've got left over from dissecting cats in zo class.

DARIA: Wicked. But I go to school in California. The animal rights whackos won't let us do anything good like that. Much of our syllabus is made up of videotapes of those touchy-feely PBS nature documentaries. If I sit through one more showing of "Your Friend the Tree Sloth", I'm going to decorate my science teacher's shoes with my lunch.

JON: s---, too bad. Nothing quite like the feel of a fistful of cat guts and the sweet stench of preserving fluid getting into every orifice in your body.

DARIA: My sister would s--- if she heard you say that. She doesn't approve of the killing of animals--cute animals, anyway--for any reason.

JON: So...narcissistic sister, workaholic mom, and distant dad. What a combo. (laughs) Do you spend a lot of time with them?

DARIA: Not if I can get out of it. Once Mom got this brilliant idea to go on a camping trip to help my dad cope with his stress after he broke a blood vessel in his eye--just like--(wiggling her fingers in a quoting gesture)--in the good old days.

JON: Did it work?

DARIA: Not really. The whole family got into some psychotropic berries and went schizo.

JON (laughs): My family, however, doesn't NEED psychotropic berries to go schizo.

DARIA: I can see that. (slight smile) You know, you're not like a lot of the other guys I know.

JON (smiles slightly too): Well, I'm not from around here.

DARIA (smiles a bit more): Let me guess--you're the last survivor of a dead world sent here by your real parents after your home planet blew up, and you've been using the super powers given to you by Earth's yellow sun to benefit mankind.

JON (grins broadly): You're closer than you think.

(JON is left alone with DARIA--exept for three watchful sets of eyes under the table: BUDDY, BRANDY, and PUNKIN. Their lips never move when they speak--it's rather like a form of mental telepathy.)

BUDDY: Whoa--dig it. Deja vu all over again. You know I love it. (His large, brown expressive eyes widen, then narrow as he has a positively dirty thought--he has a lot of them--and he grins broadly, exposing yellow teeth.) Another family fight, more leftovers for us. (He licks his muzzle with a long pink tongue.)

BRANDY (awed): I just can't believe how much that DARIA girl looks like JON. It's like they came right out of the same litter.

PUNKIN: Wow. I mean, c'mon, It's crazy. It's like seeing double over here.

BUDDY: You think he's serious about her?

BRANDY: Looks that way. Look at how they stare into each other's eyes.

(JON and DARIA both reach for the last cheeseburger at the same time; their hands brush one another.)

BRANDY: Oh! Did you see that! They touched paws!

BUDDY: Heh,heh! Sniff her butt! C'mon c'mon c'mon!!

PUNKIN: Humans kiss, you ignorant fleabag, not sniff each other like stupid animals. Get a clue here, you fleabitten savage b--

(There is a loud crunch and smacking sound as BUDDY swallows PUNKIN whole, leaving nothing but the tip of his tail hanging from his mouth. Don't worry, folks, PUNKIN will be back for scene six, relatively unhurt.)

BRANDY (shocked, grossed out): BUDDY!

BUDDY (muffled, cheeks bulging): What?

(JON and DARIA look at each other, perhaps both slightly blushing. A long silence ensues. JON breaks it by saying:) Go halfsies with you.

DARIA: Okay. (JON splits the burger in two, and each takes half. They eat gazing into each other's eyes. BG MUSIC: Bob Dylan's "Baby, Let Me Follow You Down." plays softly as the scene fades to black.)

[la la la la la...la la la la la....]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH...Jon, Ben, Curt, Annie, Buddy, Punkin

ALLISON COURT (sp?).......................Brandy

TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria WENDY

HOOPES...............................Jane

[this part available].....................Billy

[this part available]......................Josh

[this part available]....................Marcie [this part

available]...................Timothy

******** Part 5 **********

[Strangers in a strange land DARIA and JANE are the guests of a truly wild dinner at the SWEET house, where DARIA learns, courtesy of JON's well-meaning but extremely loud and opinionated father, quite a bit about the town she and JANE are stuck in. But the true horrors of the city aren't what walks the streets but what lurks beneath them, as she will soon find out...]

(The scene opens on some sort of subterranean lair; time uncertain, but most likely in the same time frame as the SWEET FAMILY dinner. JIGABOO GOONS mill around the spacious chamber, tending to large, old-fashioned, flickering computer consoles and other dometic minutae. The place has an air of grandness but also of age; the metal walls and several of the machines look run-down, dusty, and rusty. A DARK FIGUE sits in a huge-backed swivel chair, brooding as he stares at a wall of television monitors. These are blank. BG MUSIC: Either some weird goth/heavy metal s---, or, with all the jigs around, loud, profanity-filled rap music would be apropos. A sliding door in a far wall whooshes open, and a high-pitched female voice cries out:) Yo, honey, uuuhhh!! I just got out of the joint, sweetcakes! Aren't you happy to see me?

(The DARK FIGURE grunts noncommitally.)

(The camera pans on HARLEY DAVIDSON. She is fifteen, a bubbly, bouncy biker babe dressed in a leather motorcycle jacket with a loop of chain on the shulder. mismatched tennis shoes, cutoff jeans, a tanktop, and wild spiky three-color hair. She is your basic reform school dropout.)

HARLEY: I said I just got out of the joint! Aren't you happy to see me? Uhhhhh.

(The figure turns around, enveloped in shadows.) Yes. Yes, I am. Come here and gimme some lovin'.

(HARLEY plunks herself down in the DARK MAN's lap and plants vicious, smacking kisses on his face. He does not recprocate.)

HARLEY: What's wrong, baby? Hmmm? Uhh-hhhh!

DARK MAN: I've failed, darling. I've failed myself, I've failed my father, I've failed my cause.

HARLEY: Honey, you don't need those--things. You have me.

DARK MAN: But I do need them, darling. I need them to help me spread my seed all over the world. All seven continents will bear my children...perfect children, created in my image. I will be the father of nations, God of a new race of supra-men. But now...no. I have failed.

(The door slides open, and MOJO enters. He is a rough-looking black thug with a cropped fade and a huge diamond in his nose.)

MOJO: Lo'd DEMI-JON, one'a yo' loyal followers done has returned f'um above. He wanna talk wif' you.

(DEMI-JON leans forward, nearly spilling HARLEY on the floor, and grips the arms of his chair. He looks exactly like JON, but wears black glasses frames, a black caop, and a black cape with red lining. His voice is like JON's, but lower and infinitely more evil.)

DEMI-JON: I summoned him here, Frodo. Send the wastrel in.

MOJO (pained): Dat's MOJO, man. Damn. Cain't you nevah get it right? (turns to the door) Sen' in da supplicant!

(A BLACK TOUGH enters. This is the same BLACK TOUGH who was captured and hung upside down in a tree earlier by JOSH and JON.) Uh...L-Lo'd

DEMI-JON? Ah--ah's come, lak you done said.

DEMI-JON (settling back in his chair, reimmersing himself in the shadows): Well. I have trained you and your kind to be merciless, efficient killing machines, who strike in the dead of the night with swift, silent pecision in my name and leave no hint of your prescence but dead bodies and broken lives. But now I hear that you and one of your lowlife friends stole a car, robbed a liquor store, and got caught. In broad daylight, nonetheless. (looks at MOJO) Did you know anything about this, Hiroko?

MOJO: Naw, I ain't had nuf'fin to do wif' it. An' it's MOJO, man!

(DEMI-JON's attention returns to the BLACK TOUGH, and the light returns to his face, showing frightening, barely suppressed rage on his countenance. He is suddenly interested in something.) You have something for me.

BLACK TOUGH (petrified): N-naw, Lo'd DEMI-JON! I ain't got nuf'fin! Dem honkeys took da money! Honest! Ah ain't ho'din' nuf'fin back!

DEMI-JON (calmly): Not anything so pedestrian as money, peon. Something else. (He waaves his hand and shoots a ray of blue light from his palm. It engulfs the BLACK TOUGH's head--we can see the impression of his skull through his skin--and sends him down on his knees, bawling in pain. DEMI-JON waves his hands in a wide arc, causing HARLEY to duck, and the blue light washes over the monitors.) Your mind, fool! Something you saw, damn you. (He studies the images.) That girl! Yes! That girl! (He points to an image on the screen--the face of DARIA.) She is what I need to make my father's dream a reality! (HARLE is terrified and trembles in his lap; she has no idea what to make of her lover's bloodlust or his sudden change of mood. MOJO is trying to bleed into the woodwork and disappear. The BLACK TOUGH is lying on the chamber floor, unconcious, his synapses fried. He may well be dead. DEMI-JON's maniac laughter rings as the scene fades to black--no pun intended.)

[la la la la la...la la la la la...]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH..............Demi-Jon, Harley Davidson

[this part available].......................Mojo

[this part available].................Black Thug

******** Part 6 **********

[She's only been in town one day, and already she's made herself an enemy. A strange, malevolent being named DEMI-JON, who is a genetically-created clone of DARIA's mysterious benefactor, has learned through one of his JIGABOO GOONS of her existence and plans to use her in his plan to "spread [his] seed over the world"--whatever that means. Meantime, DARIA and JANE have finished dinner and are now ready to hit the hay. The day so far has been too much...but it's nothing compared to the surprises in store tomorrow...]

(The scene opens on the darkened interior of the Warrior treehouse, late that night. DARIA and JANE are curled up in sleeping bags on the hardwood floor There is a table in the center of the room, spacious windows in each wall, a door, and, in one rear corner, a computer and TV monitor...obviously JOSH's handiwork. IN the BG we hear chirping crickets.)

JANE (sleepily): DARIA?

DARIA (sleepily): Yeah?

JANE: Some freaky dinner, huh?

DARIA: Yeah.

JANE: JON's got a hell of a family.

DARIA: Yeah, HELEN and JAKE they ain't.

JANE: Yep. Lot more life in this bunch.

DARIA: You have a point?

JANE: You and JON seemed kinda...close.

DARIA: So?

JANE: Think Trent'll have a little competition?

DARIA: Shut up, JANE.

JANE: No, I'm serious. I mean, I saw those looks you and JON were sharing.

DARIA: And I saw the looks ou and JOSH were sharing.

JANE: Shut up, DARIA.

(DARIA smiles in the dark.)

(Cut to the next scene, Thursday evening. Pan in on Daria and JON seated side by side on the couch in JON's living room, watching TV with identical blank looks on their faces. They are watching, naturally, "Sick Sad World". BG MUSIC: The "SSW" theme swells.)

TV ANNOUNCER: Are genetically-enhanced lab rats trying to take over the world?

A VOICE LIKE THAT OF ORSON WELLES: Yes! But we are mice, not rats.

A HIGH COCKNEY VOICE: (laughs a silly, high laugh) Narf!

TV ANNOUNCER: Next up on 'Sick Sad World"!

(Cut to the interior of the kitchen, where MARCIE is rinsing dishes at the sink and ANGELA is preparing popcorn for JON and DARIA.)

MARCIE (out of the blue): It's weird, isn't it?

ANGELA (absently): What's weird?

MARCIE: This. You in the kitchen making snacks for JON and that DARIA girl and not sitting next to him watching TV. I think he's sweet on her.

ANGELA (exasperatedly): Yor point being--?

MARCIE: I mean. didn't you and he have a--?

ANGELA (quickly): We're just friends, MARCE. I don't have his name branded on my heinie, and he doesn't have mine on his. I don't care about that DARIA girl. I could care less about who he hangs out with.

MARCIE (murmuring): The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

ANGELA (sharply): What was that?

MARCIE: Nothing, nothing. (puts down plate) But usually you're out there with him watching TV...and I know you've been...intimate.

ANGELA: Are you implying what I think you're implying? (indignant) We kissed once or twice, yes, in the heat of battle. We were tense. Passions were high. But JON and I are just friends. That's it. Now, if you'll excuse me... (ANGELA takes up the bowl of popcorn and exits).

MARCIE (looks at PUNKIN, who is eating from his dish on the counter): Yep, she's got it bad. Don't you agree, PUNKY?

PUNKIN: Don't look at me. I'm just a...a cat over here.

(Cut to living room interior. ANGELA enters, glances at DARIA and JON, and plunks the bowl n the couch between them.)

DARIA (sweetly, to ANGELA): What? No salt?

(ANGELA glowers at DARIA and leaves again.)

DARIA (to JON): I think your girlfriend's pissed off at me.

JON (quickly): Oh, she--she's not--that is, we--we're just friends. Really. (uncomfortable) Uh...where's JANE?

DARIA: I sent her off with JSH to fix up The Tank. If she doesn't cave in his skull with a wrench first, they should have her up and raring to go by morning.

(Cut to kitchen; ANGELA is rooting around in the spice cabinet for the salt.)

MARCIE: You okay?

ANGELA: I'm fine. I'm fine as paint. (grabs the salt shaker) By tomorrow, the girl will be on her way back to Hollywood with her creepy artist friend. (leaves the kitchen with the shaker, enters the living room, hands the shakerr to DARIA, leaves the living room and re-enters the kitchen, all with an air of restrained fury.)

DARIA (watching ANGELA): She really is pissed. And I think it has something to do with me being here.

JON: Don't be silly. I mean, I'm free to da--uh--to be friends with other women. And it's never made her mad before.

DARIA (raising an eyebrow at the word "before"): And suppose she da--uh--made friends with other men?

JON (trying to be funny): I'd hunt them down and kill them.

(BUDDY enters, climbs up on the couch, and crawls into DARIA's lap. He lies his head on her chest and seems to grin. DARIA looks surprised.)

JON (laughs): Congratualtions, DARIA. You've jst been BUDDY-approved. I've never seen him take so to anyone like that before...especially a girl. The only other girl I've ever seen him do that with before was-- (he stops himself)

DARIA (softly): ANGELA?

(JON nods weakly. There is uncomfortable silence punctuated only by the television's rantings.)

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Elderly grandmothers who solve crimes with the help of their feuding pets! Next up on "Sick Sad Wor--"

(All of a sudden the show bursts into static, and a bulbous face in dark-framed glasses fills the screen mockingly.)

JON (hotly): DEMI-JON!

DARIA (confused): Who is--! And why does he look like--?

(The camera pulls back to reveal DEMI-JON standing in his underground chamber, grinning broadly. From the ceiling, her hands chained to her sides, hangs an unconcious young lady DARIA recognizes instantly.)

DARIA (afraid): JANE!

DEMI-JON: Greetings, cousin. I have tapped into your cable signal just long enough to tell you that I have something here you might be interested in. I want to arrange an exchange...this girl (points to JANE) for the other girl. The one with the glasses and the blank face. Or else.

JON (roars at TV): Never!!

DARIA (touching JON's shoulder): JANE is...my best friend in the world. I couldn't live without her. (For perhaps the first time, DARIA is showing emotion; tears may be gleaming behind those thick lenses.) I have to save her.

JON (with heartfelt understanding): WE have to save her. (DARIA smiles, relieved.)

DEMI-JON: In the name of my father Snakeman, it...shall...be. (laughs a loud, ringing laugh that sounds like it comes from the depths of hell...which it does. The image of his laughing face breaks up and "Sick Sad World" returns to the screen just as MARCIE and ANGELA enter to see what all the commotion is about.)

MARCIE: JON, stop that racket. You know Mom hates it when you boys yell at the TV.

ANGELA (sees JON and DARIA looking pale): Wh-what's the matter?

(JOSHUA and BENJAMIN burst in at this moment, looking worse for the wear. It is evident that they've been in a fight. Each tries to outshout the other.)

JOSH: It was horrible--

BEN: --Urr-rrghha--

JOSH: --gang of jigs--

BEN:--grrowllrrabba--

JOSH: --kidnapped JANE--

BEN: --(hic) (sputt)!

(DARIA puts two fingers in her mouth and whistles shrilly. Everyone shuts up. DARIA smiles briefly.)

JON: JOSH, tell me what happened.

JOSH: It's like this, see. BEN and JANEY and me were workin' on The Tank up by the city limits, right? Nobody out there for miles. All of a sudden, four big jigs jumped us from the back. BEN and me mopped up a couple of 'em, but then the other two came up behind us. Musta used a stun gun on us, 'cuz my neck's burning like hell. He were out for hours. We come to, and JANEY was gone.

BEN: Urrgghha! Grrowwllrrabba (hic) (sputt)!

JOSH: See! BEN backs up my story!

JON (grimly): It was DEMI-JON. He just sent me a message over the tube. He nabbed JANE to get at DARIA.

DARIA (now thoroughly mixed up): Me? Who'd want me? And who is this DEMI-JON creep? What in hell's going on?

JON: I'll tell you on the way, DARIA. We're going underground to save

JANE. You and me.

JOSH: Me too (pounds fist into hand) I want another crack at those niggers who jumped us.

BEN: Urrggh!! (makes fists) Me too! (sputt)!

ANGELA: I'll come too.

JON: No, you won't. We've got enough bodies at stake. Can't afford to risk another.

ANGELA (shocked and furious): But why is DARIA--?

DARIA (oddly calm): Because he wants me. God knows why.

JON: I doubt if even God knows what that looney-toon is thinking, babe.

(JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA bolt for the door. ANGELA watches, crestfallen.)

ANGELA: Babe? Did he call her babe? (more to herself than anyone else) He called her babe! But--that's what he calls me! I'M babe! BG MUSIC: Bob Dylan's "You're a Big Girl Now" swells as amera pans in on ANGELA's face to reveal her blue eyes filling with tears. She looks to MARCIE for comfort, but she's alrady left the room. She looks to BUDDY, hoping he'll put his head on her chest like he usually does, but he's too intent on licking his nutsack to offer condolences. ANGELA sits feeling alone and empty on the edge of the couch with her head in her hands. She leans forward, elbows on her knees, trying hard not to cry. Move to overhead shot, looking down on her as the BG music swells and the scene fades to black.)

[la la la la la.....la la la la la]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH.....Jon, Ben, Demi-Jon, TV announcer, Orson Welles voice,

cockney voice, Punkin

TRACY GRANDSTAFF............................Daria

WENDY HOOPES.................................Jane

LINDA LARKIN...............................Angela

[this part available]......................Joshua

[this part available]......................Marcie

********* Part 7 **********

[DARIA and JANE spend the night in The Warrior's treehouse, which is more of a battle fortress than anything else, and spend a restful night unaware of the evil that is lurking in the city's black heart. The following evening seems to unfold like a malignant rose with two black blossoms. First, DARIA is subjected to the envious outbursts of JON's sometimes-love interest ANGELA, who feels that she has been replaced by this myseterious blank-faced girl from California. Secondly, she discovers that JANE has been abducted by the psychotic DEMI-JON and is being used as a bargaining chip to get at her. A posse is immediately rounded up...but when JON picks DARIA to go with him instead of ANGELA, she feels snubbed and hurt. Between kidnapping madmen and jealous girlfriends, DARIA is really taking it on both sides. Now on the the rescue...]

(Thge scene opens with a shot of JON and JOSH's van the Crook Buster hurtling down a city street in the dead of the night. Cut to an interior shot of the van. JOSH is driving; JON rides shotgun. DARIA sits in the seat behind JON. She has just been briefed on a few particulars and is totally in disbelief. BEN is seated in the seat to her right. BG MUSIC: In honor of DEMI-JON, Bob Dylan's "Jokerman", particularly the chorus, will do nicely.)

DARIA (heaves heavy sigh): Okay...let me get this straight. You're telling me that some chemical explosion in your treehouse a few years back nearly killed you, but you survived, and then you discovered that it gave you super powers ...and that the kook we saw on TV who nabbed JANE is your evil clone, who has the exact powers you do because he was grown from your DNA like a cutting off a plant?

JOSH: That's about the half of it, sister.

DARIA: Tell me more about his father--this Snakeman character.

JON (deep sigh): Okay. Snakeman used to be a brilliant genetic biologist whose passion was herpetology--studying snakes. He was working one day with a particularly virulent strain of cobras when he made a mistake and was bitten. He foolishly treated himself with a highly experimental snakebite cure, which caused him to turn into a mutant reptile man. He dedicated his life and perverted his brilliant mind then to the dark side, studying black magic and recruiting fellow misfits and freaks, born or created. Some time past, he and I fought a duel to the death. His.

DARIA (eyes wide): You--?

JON: --ended his worthless life with my own two hands. Yes. I hate to talk about it, but I must, now. I'm sorry if I shock you.

DARIA (composed again): Nothing shocks me. I always wondered what it was like to off a guy. The closest I ever came was when this loudmouth jerk of a football player came back to Lawndale for Homecoming. JANE and I wished he's drop dead. A minute later, a goalpost fell on his head and killed him. It was cool. Sad...but cool.

JOSH (chuckling): I don't suppose you ever said anything like that again.

DARIA (seems to ponder): Well...once. But my sister QUINN is still very much with us.

(Cut to exterior shot of the van driving through a park and screeching to a stop, crushing a wooden bench to splinters. JON, DARIA, JOSH, and BEN exit the van. JON runs over to a manhole rising slightly up from the ground on a concrete pillar, and, in a display of superhuman strength, tears the manhole cover away like an aspirin bottle lid. DARIA's eyes widen in surprise.)

JON (coldly): Down the hole.

(Jon dives into the pipe. JOSH follows. BEN advances forth, grunting and growling--his movement is a fluid whirling spin, similar to that of the Tasmanian Devil--and enters the hole. DARIA is last in the procession. She holds back reluctantly.)

DARIA (wryly): Lucky I wore my high boots. Perfect for walking in turd water.

(DARIA climbs into the hole. Scene fades to black.)

[la la la la la....la la la la la....]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH..........Jon, Ben

TRACY GRANDSTAFF......Daria

[this part available]..Josh

********** Part 8 ***********

[Racing against the clock to save JANE from the clutches of JON's devilish double DEMI-JON, DARIA learns a bit of back story on JON, DEMI-JON, and DEMI-JON's "father" Snakeman, an evil mutant who was once a good man. Now our heros are going underground to battle an evil the likes of which our ladies from Lawndale have only seen in movies and reruns of "Sick Sad World"...]

(Montage shots of JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA trudging through the sewers--large pipes, small pipes, silhouette shots against brick walls, tunnels, to a hole in the wall leading to a spacious hidden cavern. BG MUSIC: Military-type beat, lots of drums and tympanis.

Eventually the four of them reach a hollowed-out door cut painstakingly into the granite rock, leading to a narrow square hall lined with handrails and floodlights. JON leads, JOSH and BEN follow, and DARIA brings up the rear.)

JON: quietly): No guards. They're expecting us. It's most definitely a trap.

DARIA: As if we have a choice?

BEN: Urr-rrgghh! (sputt)!

JON: BEN's right. We can't barge in without some kind of plan.

JOSH: I say storm the joint, kick a lot of asses, spring JANEY, and split.

DARIA: Sounds like a plan to me.

(The voice of DEMI-JON booms over hidden loudspeakers.) Velkommen, cousin! Been expecting you! C'mon in! (The huge stone double doors at the far end of the hall whoosh open, and in walk JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA. The room is dark--until the overhead spotlights click on. BG MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" swells as the lights click on; it fades as HARLEY speaks and disappears as DEMI-JON says "...rule the world." One light reveals a mob of JIGABOO GOONS, guns pointed at our heroes and cocking with loud, dry clicks. A second spot shows the monitor wall. The third reveals DEMI-JON on his throne, with HARLEY on his right and MOJO on his left. DEMI-JON is tapping the tips of his fingers together in front of his chest, grinning evilly.

HARLEY (surprised, looks at DARIA): Oo-ooh! She--she looks exactly like--like him! (points to JON) And like you! (points to DEMI-JON).

MOJO: Damn: I ain't know deah was T'REE white folks on earf' dat ugly!

(DARIA, JON, and DEMI-JON all scowl at MOJO.)

MOJO: What? Ah say sum'fin?

DEMI-JON (broad smile again): You are correct, HARLEY darling. She is genetically perfect for my master plan to rule the world.

DARIA (scowl deepens): Rule the world? Genetic mutants? Evil clones? What comic book did I stumble into?

DEMI-JON (howls with raucous laughter): Such deadpan delivery! I love it! (holds up a remote control) This, my dear, is what it's all about. (presses a button on the control. The monitors part into two sliding panels and retract into the walls on either side, revvealing a hidden chaber. Inside are rows and rows of immense glass tanks. Inside each is a shadowy figure hooked to cables and floating in a greenish chemical bath.)

JON (dumbfounded): Oh my god. Are those--?

DARIA (finishes): --bodies?

DEMI-JON: Better. (He presses a second button, and one of the glass tanks lifts up and slides into a panel in the ceiling, spilling chemical bath on the floor. There is a drain set into the tile, and the fluid drains into it with a thick chuckling gurgle. There is a shadowy human figure suspended there by wires, which disconnect with a hiss from its back and navel. It steps forward, shuffling, into the light.)

JON: Oh my god--it's--

BEN: Urrgghia!!

DARIA: It's--it's--me?!?

(The figure does indeed superficially resemble DARIA. It is naked but for a small metal jockstrap-like apparatus around its pubic area and rear and a metal bra over its breasts. It's--her--hair is raven-black and stringy, sopping with chemical bath. It--she--advances, dripping, into the chamber.)

DARIA CLONE: I live to serve thee, Lord DEMI-JON. I live to love thee. I live to--I live--I--live-- (The DARIA CLONE's voice speeds up like a tape being fast-forwarded, then slows down to a thick gooey drawl, then becomes unintelligible. Then she--it--dissolves into a slimy green puddle of protoplasm. All are surprised, except DEMI-JON.)

DEMI-JON (blandly): This always happens. You see, in trying to carry out my father's dream, I have tried using samples of my own blood with the Y chromosome removed and the X chromosome doubled--in essence, creating exact female duplicates of you and me, JONny-boy. Daughters, if you will. But the gene splice and doubling of chromosomes makes them unstable. Their cells unravel and give off heat, resulting in--well, this (points to chemical puddle on floor). My DNA simply doesn't work to breed girls.

JOSH: Why not borrow some of HARLEY's?

DEDMI-JON: HARLEY's one of a kind. She doesn't like needles, and I can't bear to hurt my darling little HARLEY-kins just for a few drops of blood, now can I? Hmmm! (He chuckles and tickles HARLEY under the chin, making her giggle a high, girlish, very Brittany-esque laugh. DARIA makes a small retching noise.)

BEN: Urr-rrgghh...urr-grrowllurrrgghabraakk (hic) (sputt)!

JON: I agree with BEn--you are a hypocritical reprobate. Not wanting to take little bit of blood out of some little floozy's arm, but at the same time perfectly willing to kill thousands of innocent people and not even blink.

(HARLEY pouts with her lower lip out, obviously offended at the "floozy" crack, and cuddles closer to DEMI-JON, who curls his upper lip in a snarl at his twin.)

DEMI-JON (growls): Watch your mouth, cousin.

JOSH: s---, DEMI--why not just raise a family the old-fashioned way? You and HARLEY settle down, get a house in the 'burbs, crank out a litter of little megalomaniac assholes?

HARLEY: Conceive naturally? Now there's an idea. Uuuhhhh. (Moves to hug DEMI-JON, who ignores her and rises from his throne.)

DEMI-JON: That's where you (poiunts to DARIA) come in. A few drops of your blood is all I need to weave together the chromosome strands tightly enough to stabalize the daughter duplicates. Then I can establish colonies all over the world...children! Grandchildren! Great-grandchildren! I will be father of all nations! I will be an immortal! (laughs maniacally)

DARIA: Forget it, DEMI-JON. I have a thing about needles too, and I'm not to keen on psychos either. Where is JANE?

(DEMI-JON points wordlessly. A spot reveals JANE, still suspended and chained as before, but concious and gagged.)

JANE: Mmmph! Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmmph!

BEN: Urr-rrgghh! Growlrrabbaurrghh (eep) (sputt)! DEMI-JON (wryly): Real meeting of the minds here.

(BEN hunkers down, then leaps roaring into the air like an animal. He grabs the chains around JANE's body--then realizes that they are electrified and that the rope tied around JANE on the inside of the chains is there for insulation. He is electrocuted and flops, smoking, to the floor.)

JON (screaming): BEN!!

(BEN sits up, dazed and charred, and hacks up a mouthful of smoke. He starts to sing off-key and dazedly): Some call me the space cowboy--some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me ...Maur...ice. (hacks again, falls over and sprawls out on floor.)

DEMI-JON (to DARIA): Your blood, pretty one, is all I ask. Give it willingly, or (snaps fingers; the JIGABOO GOONS snap their fingers and train their guns on DARIA, JON, and JOSH) unwillingly. All the same to me.

DARIA (sighs resignedly): Okay, DEMI-JON. You've got me dead to rights. I'll give you what you've been asking for.

DEMI-JON: Excellent. You are a bright girl. Maria.

DARIA: That's DARIA. Just tell Toto and the boys to drop the guns.

MOJO: Dat's MOJO!

DEMI-JON: Drop 'em, boys.

(The JIGABOO GOONS lower their guns.)

DARIA: Just let me clean my glasses. (She turns slightly, then makes a swift sudden movement to grab the glasses-shaped boomerang off JON's beltloop. She pitches it, with perfect precision, just as she saw JON do it before, and sends it whirling over everyone's heads into the wall of monitors. There is a crash, followed by the crackle of electricity, then the hollow boom of dozens of TV screens imploding on themselves. The tanks in the next room begin to heat up, the chemical bath inside deepening from sea green to red-hot and bubbling.)

DEMI-JON (howling in outrage): No-n-n-n-nooo-ooo-oo-o!!! You little

BITCH! You blew out the temperature control system for the tanks!! Why? WHY?!

DARIA: Just giving you what you've been asking for. And, brother, did you ask for this one.

(The bodies in each tank boil to pieces, exploding into gooey fragments like wieners in a microwave. The tanks crack and split from side to side. DEMI-JON is screaming in mingled rage and confusion. HARLEY tries to comfort him but he pushes her away.)

DEMI-JON (close to tears): Kill them! By the bard of Beelzebub, KILL THEM ALL!!

(BG MUSIC: Chumbawumba's "Tub Thumping" sweels as DEMI-JON gives the attack order and fades out as he confronts DARIA.)

(The JIGABOO GOONS spring to life, but JOSH and JON mop them up fairly quiclkly with a few well-placed punches. Montage shots of kicks, punches, and bodies flying through the air. JON's forces seem to be winning, natch. Shots are fired, but bounce off JON's chest like spitballs. MOJO tries to make a break for it, but JOSH cuts his escape short by landing a two-fisted punch to his lower back.)

JOSH: That'll keep you busy, Dodo.

MOJO (coughing, in pain): Dat's MOJO...moth'af---'a... (faints)

(DARIA confronts DEMI-JON, whose eyes are mad and red with grief and pain. A fallen JIGABOO GOON lies at her feet, a machine gun clutched in his hands. DARIA seizes it and aims it at DEMI-JON. He only laughs.)

DEMI-JON: That pop gun won't hurt me, my dearest Dharma. I'm invulnerable.

DARIA (angry sigh): It's DARIA, okay? And (briefly appraising DEMI-JON) I bet you're not invulnerable everywhere. (draws back her booted foot and slams it into DEMI-JON's crotch with a crunching sound. A high gasp wheezes from him as his face bloats up and turns red. he drops to his knees, clutching himself.) Heads up, JANE. (She aims the machine gun and fires, neatly slicing the chain in half. JANE falls through the air, her scream muffled, right into JOSH's waiting arms. He tears the tape off her mouth.)

JANE (clears her throat): Thanks, Slick. Nice save.

JOSH: We're just a couple of bad pennies, JANEY. We keep turning up together.

JANE: You got that right. (as an aferthought, puts her hand to her mouth) Ow.

DEMI-JON (from the floor, in a high squeaky voice): Kill her.

(Easier said than done. DEMI-JON's forces are severely decimated. JOSH has MOJO cuffed and restrained by a large metal pipe on the wall; most of the other JIGABOO GOONS are unconscious on the floor or have fled the room. HARLEY stands shifting to and fro like a little girl needing to take a piss, not sure whether to stay or run. JON helps BEN to his feet; he is sore and groggy yet grateful. With the clone lab nothing more than a mess of goo and glass and many of the computer consoles in flames, there's really not much more to see here. JON, DARIA, JOSH, JANE, and BEN turn to leave. BEN is leaning on JON for suppoert, JANE on JOSH. She tips DARIA a wink. DARIA pauses to look back at DEMI-JON, who stands weeping in the center of the room, hunched over with his back convulsing in sobs. HARLEY remains aloof, still unsure what to do.)

DEMI-JON (choked with misery): My--father's--dream! Years--years of work! Gone! Because--of that--goddamn GIRL! (sobs harder)

DARIA (concerned): Shouldn't we...arrest him? Take him into custody? Try to...help him?

JON (coldly): Why bother? The police can't hold him. The doctors at the asylum can't help him. Better that he stay here and wallow in his own filth awhile. Every day the Cobra Pit falls apart a little more, gets a little older, a little more decrepit. Soon it'll be gone. He'll learn someday that he's only following a dead dream.

(The group leaves the Cobra Pit and DEMI-JON's fallen empire behind. As they reach the cavern, DARIA calls to JON. He halts.)

DARIA: Something's really bothering me. When we left your house, ANGELA was all--

JON: --upset. I-I know. She knows how I feel about her, dammit. Why the hell is she acting this way?

DARIA: Have you TOLD her how you feel?

JON: Well...after a--a battle or two, yes...

DARIA: Damn you, JON, I don't mean that. I mean, some night when you're sitting around watching TV, or while you're walking under the moon on a starry night on a quiet country highway, or...

BEN: Urr-rrgghha. Urr-grrowwrrhhurrggh (sputt).

DARIA: Yeah, or that...whatever he said. Not after you've just finished fighting some crazy like that guy back there, when you're (here, sounding a touch breathless and carried away) all hot and...and sweaty...and you've got your blood up...and...p-passions run high (fixes JON with a deep gaze)

(BEN moves away, limping slightly, and joins JOSH and JANE some distance ahead.)

BEN: Urr-rrghh! Grrowllurrghha (eep) (sputt)!

JOSH: What?

JANE: I...think he said your pal JON and DARIA are getting along pretty good.

JOSH: You understood him?

JANE: Not in so many words, but (pointing behind them) I think I caught the gist of it.

(JOSH looks and whistles loudly. JON and DARIA are kissing passionately. Because he is taller than her by a head or so, she has to stand on tiptoe to reach his lips, and although this should look ridiculous, somehow it doesn't.)

(BG MUSIC: The second verse of Bob Dylan's "You're A Big Girl Now" swells up again--we heard the first at the end of act six.)

(Pan back to JANE, JOSH, and BEN, all with surprised looks on their faces--especially JANE.)

JOSH: Well, I'll be goddamned...

BEN: Urrr-URRRR-urrgghh! (sputt)!

JANE: Wonder where she learned to do that little trick with her tongue--?

(Pan back to JON and DARIA, still kissing, and fade out.)

[la la la la la....la la la la la....]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH.....Jon, Ben, Demi-Jon, Harley Davidson

TRACY GRANDSTAFF..............Daria, Daria cone

WENDY HOOPES................................Jane

[this part available].......................Josh

[this part available].......................Mojo

********** Part 9 **********

[With the thought of Angela left behind crying on the sofa weighing on his conscience, our hero races against the clock to save JANE from the clutches of his arch-nemisis DEMI-JON. Our band of heroes meets up with the young master of malice in his underground stronghold, the Cobra Pit. DEMI-JON shares with our heroes his plan for clobal domination...female clones of himself which he plans to use DARIA's DNA to breed. However, through DARIA's ingenuity and quick thinking, the plan is thwarted, JANE is saved, and the underground lab is reduced to rubble. In a moment of post-battle passion, DARIA and JON confront their feelings and confess their intense attraction towards each other. As everything comes around full circle, love becomes a torrid triangle...]

(Lo and behold--JON's house. To be more precise, his bedroom! The room is comfortably cluttered and manly-looking: paper-littered mirrored dresser serving as a desk, ab cruncher in the center of the room, posters--Bob Dylan on the door, M.C. Hammer on the closet, Freddy Kreuger over the bed--and the cat skins mentioned in act five decorate the blood-colored walls. In the bed are DARIA, the sheet covering her breasts in a ladylike fashion, and JON, a trace of beard stubble and a muscular chest giving his boyish good looks a more manly appearance. JON's hat is off. His hair is bushy like that of Wolverine from the "X-Men", and the same shade of brown as DARIA's. Both are naked and engaged in quiet after-love talk; neither has their glassses on. Their clothes, forgotten, litter the floor near the bed. Nearby are seated BUDDY, BRANDY, and PUNKIN, who have been watching their master with rapt attention--maybe learning a trick or two. The BG MUSIC comes from JON's stereo, which is playing Dylan, either "Just Like A Woman", "Brownsville Girl", or "Desolation Row", softly.)

DARIA (soft, rather amorously): Are you sure your folks won't come in and catch us?

JON: Don't worry. Dad's probably nodded off on the couch watching TV in his underwear again, and Mom's been in bed for hours. I just thank God you're not a screamer.

(DARIA snorts, trying not to smile, and pokes JON playfully in the bicep. He chuckles.)

DARIA: Let's just hope BEN and TIM don't barge in on us.

JON: BEN I won't worry about--I can bribe him to shut up. For a little extra, he'll beat TIM into silence for me too.

DARIA: Sounds like my sister. She's always threatening to rat on me--but she doesn't. It's like two major superpowers stockpiling chemical weapons. I have enough on her to start a nuclear winter.

JON: I think my mom would understand if I told her about...about us. My dad's a bit more old-fashioned...but I don't know whaty I'd do if I lost him. I'll be off to college soon, you know...and I'd worry about Mom and the boys if...if...you know...and they were all alone. (sighs deeply)

DARIA: Do you fear death?

JON: For me, or for those I care about?

DARIA: Either way.

JON: Yeas. To both. I don't want to lose anyone...and if they lost me...well, I'd be past caring, but still...(sighs again)

DARIA: I understand. You don't want to hurt anyone.

JON: Every time I go out there on the street, I know it could be my last. Could be a war in some other country, an espionage mission gone sour, or some nigger with a Saturday night special and enough brain cells to pull the trigger. I may live a thousand years or die tomorrow. My own powers could kill me. My blood is tainted with a chemical that gives me gifts far beyond those of mortal men., yet I still have human problems. Any children I have would be born into my damnable legacy.

(At the word "children", DARIA's hand absentmindedly strokes her belly, as if struck with an awful thought. She speaks softly, tremulously:)

Lower your voice. It carries. Someone may hear you.

JON (more softly): Sorry. (falls silent)

BUDDY: Heh heh heh! Way to go, JON old boy! Told'jah he was gonna mount her. PUNKY, you owe me twenty bones.

PUNKIN: Not 'till you pay me the ten fish you owe me for Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. Told you it wouldn't work out here.

BRANDY (somewhat disgusted): I don't believe you're betting on when JON would mate with DARIA.

BUDDY: Are you kidding? I got a whiff of her under the dinner table. She was giving off "mount me" signals left and right. I get the same thing off that ANGELA girl too.

BRANDY: Eeewwww! Gross!

BUDDY: Hey, c'mon. All females give off these signals when they want a male to--heh, heh. You know.

BRANDY (a bit sadly): I don't. Ever since I had...the operation--

PUNKIN: Wow. That's...that's crazy. I mean, c'mon. What's it like? Being--you know, fixed.

BRANDY (bares her teeth slightly): Come closer, and I'll show you. Chomp, chomp.

PUNKIN (gulps): Th-that's okay. THanks.

BUDDY (puts his paw around BRANDY's shoulder): i'm sorry, babe. I know you're sensitive about what they did at the vet. But I still care for ya. More than ever. Your...imperfection only makes you more beautiful to me. (leans in and licks BRANDY on the side of her muzzle. BRANDY smiles and thumps her tail on the floor, obviously aroused.)

DARIA (notices): Oh...look at that!

JON (absentmindedly notices): Yeah. I've had those two for years, and sometimes I get the feeling--the goddamndest feeling--that they're in love. They're so much like us humans, it's scary. I mean, to think they're almost human. Taht they're able to be in love, to care for each other. Like-- (he pauses)-- people.

DARIA: Like you and ANGELA?

JON: Damn. It's like you read my mind. Like you're right inside of me.

DARIA: I've got a little bit of you inside me, if you want to know the truth...and I feel a little closer to you. I do care about you.

JON: But do you love me?

DARIA: Do you love HER?

JON (heavy sigh): I--don't really know.

DARIA (thinks of Trent): I--don't either.

(Then camera pulls back for an overhead shot. DARIA and JON sit up silently in bed while the BG music swells. BUDDY is licking BRANDY's face and throat; she raises her head, enthralled. PUNKIN grooms himself lazily. BG music sweels as scene fades out.)

[la la la la la....la la la la la....]

PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:

DR. BELCH......................Jon, Buddy, Punkin

ALLISON COURT.............................Brandy

TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria

********** Part 10 **********

[After the subterranean battle between JON's forces and DEMI-JON's forces for control of the planet, DARIA and JON were forced to confront their true feelings for one another...and for the ones they left behind waiting for them. They spend a night together, making love and talking about life, death, and their true feelings. Even BUDDY and BRANDY are swept away by that good-time lovin' feeling. But now the afterglow has faded, and JON must face the toughest battle of his life...telling ANGELA his true feelings.]

(The scene opens on a warm, lazy Sunday afternoon. Spring break is over. The DARIITES and the BELCH DIMENSION PLAYERS are loaded--crammed may be a better word for it--into the Crook Buster. Behind the van is a tow truck, hauling the defunct Tank along the intersstate. Everyone cheers as a roadsign reading WELCOME TO LAWNDALE, HOME OF THE LAWNDALE LIONS comes into view in the windshield. The whole gang is here to see DARIA and JANE off. JOSH is driving; JON navigates from the front seat, looking at a large unfolded road map. BUDDY sits sleeping in his lap. DARIA, her face wearing a reserved yet pleasant smile, sits behind JON, holding BRANDY in her lap. ANGELA is seated in the seat to her left, hoilding PUNKIN and stroking him. The look on her face is a mixture of anger, hurt, and misery. JANE is semi-dozing on the floor in the back of the van, next to the girls' bags, using her jacket as a pillow. BEN and TIM and BILLY are back there with her; BEN is dipping into the munchies, BILLY is dozing, TIM is playing with his lighter again by flicking it and holding his hand over the flame. MOLINA is meditating quietly in the corner.)

(DARIA's smile fades as she looks over at ANGELA's sullen countenance and the rapid, hard strokes she is giving PUNKIN. Her lips seem to be moving in silent denounciations of DARIA; perhaps DARIA wonders if she knows what she and JON did last night. The camera moves in a DARIA P.O.V. shot from ANGELA to the back of JON's head, then back to ANGELA. BG MUSIC--Bob Dylan's "Is Your Love in Vain?" swells slowly as the camera moves in for a tight, slow close-up of ANGELA in a three-quarter right profile. It fades just before the boys' horseplay scene.)

(The silence is broken by BEN, TIM, and BILLY, who are up to no good, as usual. BEN has just shoved three sulfur-headed matches into the toe of BILLY's shoe, and TIM has lit them with his lighter. BEN nudges JANE awake so she can watch; she looks and claps a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. BILLY's eyes pop open wide, and he leaps to his feet, cracking his head on the ceiling ov the van with a painful thud. Holding his head with one hand, he stomps the flames out on the floor, whining strangled curses at BEN, TIM, and JANE, who are holding their bellies in conniption fits of laughter. Evn MOLINA has to meditate even harder so as not to break her concentration by laughing.)

JOSH (looking in rear-view mirror): Oh, s---.

JON (turning around in his seat): Goddammit, TIM! Get rid of that lighter before I ram it so far up your ass you'll taste lighter fluid when you belch!

TIM: s---, sorry. (puts lighter back in his pocket)

JANE (settling back, folding arms behind head): The Gupty kids they ain't--eh DARIA?

DARIA (shaking head): Nope. More like those two fellas back in Highland--remember that story, boys? (reuns finger across base of throat with a "scritch" sound. BEN and TIM fall silent; BILLY goes back to nursing his sore foot.)

JON: You got a way with kids, girl.

DARIA (smirking): Just ask Mr. and Mrs. Gupty.

JOSH (sotto voce, to JON): Who?

JON (sotto voce in return): Long story. Tell you later.

(DARIA returns her attention to ANGELA, who is really giving DARIA's fur a workout. PUNKIN finally has enough and leaps out of ANGELA's lap, settling down on the floor between the seats. ANGELA turns her head to look out the window. DARIA tries to speak to her, but decides not ot bother. Cut to overhead view of the Crook Buster and the tow truck along the interstate. Fade out.)

(Fade back in to a shot of the MORGANDORFFER house and driveway. The Crook Buster pulls into the carport and promptly hits HELEN's car, knocking off and twisting the rear bumper.)

(voice of JOSH superimposed over shot of the van and the car):

Goddammit!

(DARIA and JANE collect their luggage--several small, military-type duffle bags--as JOSH slides open the door for them. They exit the van, and after a moment, JON and JOSH join them. JANE goes over to the tow truck and talks to the driver.)

JANE: Just deliver the old girl to this address (handing the driver a piece of paper)...and leave this under the windshield wipers (handing him a second piece)...and, yo, here's a little something for your trouble (slips him a buck).

(DARIAand JON rhubarb--a term used in the theater for low, unintelligible chatter--at the end of the driveway as ANGELA sits glowering at them through the windshield. "Is Your Love in Vain?" swells up in the BG as the camera pulls away from DARIA and JON to capture ANGELA's P.O.V., then show the side of her face, hidden in shadows, on the right side of the screen. MOLINA gets up from her seat in the rear and takes the seat vacated by DARIA. She puts a hand on ANGELA's knee and speaks.)

MOLINA: I've been watching you from back there...

ANGELA (irritated): And--?

MOLINA: ...and I can tell that your angry. I see it in your aura...shades of red and black. I know about JON and DARIA...that she has given him her body...

(ANGELA's head snaps around to face MOLINA; her eyes are blue fire. Her voice is a choked, growling sob): That little BITCH!!

MOLINA (hurriedly finishing): --her body--yes--but not her soul. Another man--listen to me--another man has that. She is tied with his spirit on the ethereal plane. When a man and a woman have...relations...but do not give themselves totally to each other, the taint of the aura of each partner lies upon the other like scum on a still lake...and, like a patch of algae, will fade...

ANGELA (hissing with fury): I don't give a damn what JON and that...that little hussy did. I wouldn't care if they...went at it all night--if she dropped to her knees and gave him a b.j.!

TIM (to BEN): What's a b.j.?

BEN: Urrgghha! Growllrrggharowrrowrr (eep) (sputt)!

TIM: Ee-ee-eeyeww!! That's nasty!

ANGELA (close to tears): I--just--don't--care.

MOLINA (putting a hand on her shoulder): You don't mean that. His aura may bear her taint, and hers his, but your two auras (fixes ANGELA with a deep gaze) are forever intertwined...like the waters of two streams flowing together into a a great surging river .I can see it when you two are together. You two have a destiny. One aura...one soul...one heart that beats together with two motions. Do you understand?

ANGELA (sniffs, wipes her eyes with the back of her hand): I--I think I do. Yes. (smiles weakly)

(Cut to shot of JON and DARIA rhubarbing; dub in dialogue. The coversation is winding to a close.)

DARIA: ...and remember what I said about last night?

JON: For all practical purposes, it never happened.

DARIA: Right. You go your way, and I'll go mine.

JON (smiles): Bob Dylan, "Blonde on Blonde", 1966.

DARIA (smiles also) You and your Dylan. I'll always (pauses, picks her next word carefully) care about you, JON. Never forget that.

JON: We'll always have Jigaboo Junction.

DARIA (smiles a little more puckishly): You can keep it. That's your world, not mine.

JON: I will...always. (reaches out and shakes DARIA's hand. There is a brief, clumsy embrace. DARIA leaves JON's strong arms and walks slowly up the sidewalk to the door of her house. The last verse of Dylan's "You're a Big Girl Now" swells in the BG as she reaches her door, grasps the knob, and turns it. She casts a wistful look back, and a P.O.V. shot shows us JON standing at the end of the driveway, head down, looking small, frail, and sad. Camera focuses back on DARIA, hand still on knob. She opens the door and enters, then shuts it behind her. The BG music fades to nothing. DARIA is out of JON's life now. He glances back at JANE, who is still talking to the tow truck guy, and at JOSH, who stands with his back to him as he watches her. Then JON gazes at the van. He knows his duty. He does a John Wayne-type walk over to the Crook Buster, leans into the passenger's side window, pats BUDDY's head, and calls ANGELA's name. She looks at him, eyes wet. She walks out the open sliding door of the van and stands in front of JON, trying to look stern as she gazes into his eyes with her hands on her hips, but her eyelids are damp and quivering and give her away.)

JON: I--I don't know what to say.

ANGELA: Don't say anything. I know you were with her last night.

JON (draws in breath with a sharp hiss): And...you're okay with that?

ANGELA:I...wasn't at first. But I just has a talk with MOLINA...and she told me about...about us...how our auras are joined, and our...(her voice cracks a bit)...our destiny. (sniffling) DARIA gave you her body, but only I can give you my soul. And once you and I truly become one...then I can give myself to you...completely. Body AND soul. Do you understand me?

JON: Yes. I...I do.

ANGELA: That's good. Because I don't understand me. (leans in closer) Are...are our feeliings real, or just something born out of heat and stress and battle fatigue? I have to know.

JON (leans in closer. Dylan's "True Love Tends to Forget" starts to swell in the BG as the camera pulls in for a tight closeup on the two lovers): Let my lips tell thee, querida.

(JON kisses ANGELA passionately--even more than he did DARIA--as the BG music swells to a crecendo. The camera pulls back to capture the full effect in a complete 360-degree shot, revolving slowly around them. The other WARRIORS crowd at the windows of the van to watch. JOSH turns his head and gives JON a thumbs-up salute. JANE smiles self-satisfiedly. BUDDY and BRANDY stand up on their hind legs on JON's seat, paws on the window, watching.)

BUDDY: Now THAT's entertainment!

BRANDY: They're so much like us dogs, it's scary.

PUNKIN (pushing his way between the two): Yeah. I mean, c'mon. Love is crazy here.

BEN: Urrggh-aarggahurrghh (hic) (sputt)!

TIM: I though her monm wouldn't let her have a pet. How do you know she's got a nice beaver she's gonna let JON touch?

(BEN chuckles a low throaty laugh. BILLY joins in. TIM does too, although he doesn't know why.)

MOLINA (softly): You go, girl. (She seems to squint against the invisible light eminating from JON and ANGELA, twin auras shining like a pair of suns.)

(The longest cinematic kiss on record is about two and a half minutes--and JON and ANGELA have gone at leeast a minute longer than that. The BG music fades and vanishes as their lips part, almost painfully. Both seem to have a touch orf regret in their eyes. They smile, not speaking, and link hands as they return to the van. The watching heads quickly scuttle back to their seats.)

JOSH (sighs) JANEY, doll, I gotta split. It was a blast...having you with us.

JANE: Yeah. Beats the s--- out of spending spring break up in my room gluing glass beads to household appliances with a hot glue gun.

JOSH: Yeah. Or pissing away time in my lab rigging the toaster to blow up and take out half the downtown area with it.

JANE: 'Sbeen a slice. (Shakes JOSH's hand, then seems to reconsider.) Oh...what the hell. (Grabs JOSH and kisses him so hard on the mouth that his eardrums damn near pop. Then she pulls away from him, walks away, half-turns, waves back, and continues walking ahead. P.O.V. shot of JOSH watching her walk down the driveway, turn onto the sidewalk, and disappear behind a tall hedge. Then she is out of his life for good.)

JOSH (slightly amazed, rubs sides of mouth with thumb and forefinger ): God-DAMN. (grins and shakes head, then returns to his van. He enters it, guns the motor and pulls out of the driveway --flattening the MORGANDORFFERS' garbage cans under the back wheels on the way--and drives off and out of the scene. The front window curtains are parted slightly to reveal the white reflections of twin lenses, then the curtains close shut.)

(DISSOLVE to final scene, evening in the MORGANDORFFER kitchen. DARIA, QUINN, HELEN, and JAKE are in their accustomed places around the table. JAKE, oblivious as usual, peruses the newpaper in a loosely-tied tie and a short-sleeved shirt. HELEN wears a summery T-shirt with cut-offs. QUINN is in her usual bell-bottoms and happy face baby tee; DARIA is dressed impeccably as always. Dinner is--I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.)

QUINN (chattering away insipidly): --so, like, once the Fashion Club and I hit every store on the island, from Manhattan to Queens to Brooklyn and even the cute little gift shop on Ellis Island, a couple of the girls wanted to take the Staten Island ferry uip to Jersey. And I'm like (gasps in a flouncy Alicia Silverstone-ish way) as if! I mean, Jersey! The crap capital of the United States! Like, even their cows are ugly!

DARIA: Funny. I figured if anyone could pull off the leather look, it'd be a cow.

QUINN (casting a withering, pouty look at DARIA): So just what did YOU do all week, braniac?

DARIA (picks up a section of JAKE's newspaper and absorbs herself in it. On the back flap of the paper is an "SSW" advertisement): I'd--rather not discuss it.

HELEN (in her usual sickeningly-sweet tone of voice): Oh, come on,

DARIA. Your father and I want to hear all about your vaccation. Don't we, JAKE?

(JAKE is silently absorbed i nthe financial section.)

HELEN (loudly): JAKE!! (smacks the paper down)

JAKE (confused): Huh? What? Oh! Ha ha ha!! So what did you girls do over spring vacation, huh? Heh heh heh (weak laugh trails off at HELEN's glower)

HELEN: You are so clueless.

JAKE: Yes. Yes, I am. (looks at DARIA) So! You go first, kiddo. What did you do this week?

DARIA (sighs, puts down paper): JANE and I took Trent's friend's van on a trip to Athens, Georgia to see his band play. But we never got there. (camera pulls in closer as DARIA's spiel continues) We broke down in some crappy little mostly-black town in the South, where we met up with a guy in a cape, his drooling humanoid brother, his other brother the pyromaniac, his potty-mouthed racist inventor friend, his jealous girlfriend, the inventor's accident-prone kid brother, and a psychic empath who told me I had a nice aura. I met his folks and had a really freaky dinner at his house where I learned more about the town's black problem than I EVER wanted to know, spent the night sleeping in his treehouse, rescued JANE after she got kidnapped by the caped guy's evil twin, who has a bunch of black goons working for him and a girlfriend named after a motorcycle who made QUINN here look like a rocket scientist and who wanted to get a sample of my blood for his genetic experiments, saved the whole world from a gang of blacks and a thousand evil clones of me, and topped it all off with a night of mad passionate lovemaking with the guy in the cape. You? (The whole speech is delivered in her customary monotone. She then looks around. The MORGANDORFFERS are only half-listening to her, as usual. QUINN is sdrinking a glass of milk, HELEN is eating her dinner, and JAKE is buried in his newspaper agian. A fter a painful silence, they speak.)

QUINN (very Alicia Silverstone): What-EVER.

HELEN (syrupy sweet yet insincere): That's nice, dear.

JAKE (oblivious): Way to go, kiddo!

DARIA: Oh...one more thing. My new friends gave me a ride back home...and they accidentally knocked the bumper off Mom's car.

HELEN (gasps): What? My car??

JAKE: Goddammit, DARIA! Your mother's CAR???

HELEN: JAKE, honey, your blood pressure--

JAKE: That's IT, DARIA! You're grounded for a MONTH!

(DARIA rests her head on her hand and heaves a world-weary sigh.)

[cue end title sequence music--perhaps a nice Dylan piece--and go to half-screen. Roll alter-ego pics. Roll closing credits.]

PRINCIPAL VOICE TALENT:

DR. BELCH................Jon, Ben, Buddy, Punkin

ALLISON COURT.............................Brandy

TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria

WENDY HOOPES..................Jane, Helen, Quinn

?...........................................Jake

LINDA LARKIN..............................Angela

[this part available]......................Billy

[this part available].....................Joshua

[this part available]......................Molina

[this part available].....................Timothy