"So what was that all about with Mr. O'Neill? Who was on the phone?" Ted turned from his locker to see Daria talking to her friend across the hall.
He didn't intend to eavesdrop, but Daria's dry voice carried easily to his ears. "Only the editor of a vapid magazine, who has made it her mission to ruin what might have otherwise been a perfectly ordinary yet tedious day at school."
Jane arched an eyebrow curiously. "You don't mean Val, do you?"
"As in Val," Daria huffed, then narrowed her eyes. "Wait. How do you know who she is? I can't help but know who she is because she's a cult hero among my sister and her friends, but you? Explain."
Whatever Jane's reply was, Ted never heard it. He had stopped listening at the word "cult." Why does that word sound familiar? He thought back, finally remembering way back when he'd first started attending Lawndale High. Students had pointed him out to each other, muttering something about a cult. At the time Ted hadn't thought much about it, but now he was curious.
The PA system crackled and Ms. Li's voice rang out across the school. "Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's office for a routine, ordinary conference. Oh, this is so exciting!"
Well, that's strange even for Ms. Li, Ted thought, his curiosity now multiplied tenfold. He decided to spend his lunch period in the library, doing research on this mysterious "cult" thing. He started to head for the dictionary but, recalling that he'd been led astray by solo research in the past, decided this time to ask the librarian first.
"Do you have any books on cults?" Ted asked.
The librarian let out a long, aggrieved sigh. "With Ms. Li's constant budget cuts, we're lucky to have any books at all," she complained. "I wish she'd tell us what she's spending all our money on, because it's sure not educational materials!" She rummaged around her desk drawers for a minute or two before emerging with a dog-eared pamphlet. "This is pretty much all we've got," she said apologetically.
Ted took the pamphlet and read the title out loud. "Cults and You: How to Tell If You've Joined a Cult." He looked up at the library. "If I have, would that be bad or good?"
She stared at him incredulously. "Seriously?" He nodded. "Bad."
"Okay, thanks!" He sat down at one of the study tables to read further. "The Top Ten Warning Signs of a Cult," he read quietly. "Number one: the leader displays absolute authoritarianism and has no tolerance for questions or criticism." He frowned. "That might be the best description of Ms. Li I've ever seen. It could be a coincidence but...!"
He continued. "Number two: The leader refuses to allow meaningful financial disclosures regarding budget or expenses." He glanced at the librarian, who still looked grumpy from her rant about budget cuts. "This is becoming a bit troubling."
He was about to read on, but the bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch period. He stuck the pamphlet in his pocket and headed to class, thinking over what he'd already learned.
As he sat down in Ms. Barch's science class, the teacher was flipping through a stack of handouts angrily. Of course, she did everything angrily, but this time she was grumbling out loud to herself. "I've told Ms. Li a million times that I need the freedom to teach on the genetic superiority of the female sex but nooooo, she insists I stick to the official school curriculum. Written by a man, no doubt!"
Ted took out his pamphlet to sneak another look. Number three: Followers are indoctrinated into specific teachings handed down from the leader. "Oh, dear," he murmured.
That's when the PA system rang out again: "Attention, students! In honor of--no particular reason, tomorrow will be School Colors Day! This is mandatory, and any student not showing the maximum amount of school spirit will be disciplined accordingly."
Ted was still holding the pamphlet, which he glanced at again. Number four: strict standards of behavior and appearance are enforced. He looked nervously at the PA speaker and realized that this was shaping up to be a very upsetting day.
By the end of the school day, Ted had made up his mind to visit Ms. Li and straighten the whole mess out once and for all. As soon as the last bell rang, Ted bolted out of his seat and headed straight for the principal's office. He was so intent on his mission, he didn't notice Jodie Landon until he'd already run into her, almost knocking her down.
"My apologies!" he exclaimed, holding onto her arm to steady her. "Are you okay?"
Jodie, looking annoyed, let out a frustrated grunt. "Okay? I only have to single-handedly organize a bake sale for student council, convince Chez Pierre to host the French Club's annual banquet, and put in at least five more hours of tennis practice before our tournament next week. 'Okay' is not the word I would use." She sagged against the nearest wall and took a few deep breaths. "Hey, you dropped something," she commented, now much calmer.
Ted looked down to see that his pamphlet about cults was lying on the floor. He picked it up, and the next point on the list caught his eye: Number five: members struggle with activities of meaningless work based on the leader's agenda. He looked at Jodie again, trying to figure out how to ask her if she was in a cult and, if so, whether or not she'd like to be deprogrammed.
Jodie spoke first. "So I know you're already on the yearbook committee, but would you be interested in joining the debate team as well? We've only got three members and one of them keeps snickering every time he hears the word 'rebuttal.'" She forced out a chuckle and gave Ted a pleading smile. "What do you say? It's a lot of fun...well, it's not too tedious...um, just give it a chance, okay?"
Before he replied, Ted glanced again at his pamphlet. Number six: new members are constantly being recruited under cheerful yet vague means. He began to shake with fear. She's trying to draw me into the cult! Taking a few quick steps backward, Ted cried, "No! Please, no! Nooooo!" before turning around and running away at full speed.
"Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel about it," Jodie called bitterly after him. "Run while you can."
Once he felt he was a safe distance from Jodie, Ted slowed to a stop and caught his breath. Without intending to, he'd ended up right outside the principal's office. Ted gathered up all his courage and walked in. He found Ms. Li at her desk, grinning excitedly and jabbering under her breath about celebrities and media attention and glory.
Ted cleared his throat to get her attention. "Can I help you?" Ms. Li asked, still smiling but looking impatient at the interruption.
"I know what's going on!" Ted exclaimed in his most assertive voice.
"You do?" Ms. Li said in surprise, hastily pushing a stack of magazines under some paperwork as though to hide them. "Who told you she was coming? Was it a student? A teacher? I demand names, this instant!" Seeing Ted's shock and confusion, she cleared her throat and tried again. "That is, a bright student such as yourself could find cooperation is well worth it, as I can offer you free tickets to sporting events...arrange for extra credit in any class you choose...." She tilted her head and considered the boy in front of her. "...gum?"
Ted was so pleased by the offer of gum that he almost forgot why he was there. Then he remembered the pamphlet, still in his hand, and looked at it again. Number seven: reporting on members for disobedience is mandated and rewarded. "You won't draw me in so easily!" he cried, waving the pamphlet at Ms. Li for emphasis.
The principal just blinked at him, bemused. "May I ask what you're doing here?" she asked in a tired voice.
"I've figured out what you're doing," he said, crossing his arms. "It all makes sense: the mysterious budget cuts, the heightened security, the crushing of any individuality!"
Ms. Li chuckled nervously. "I don't think you understand at all," she said. "You're not the first person to complain about my method of running this school. I've had to defend my decisions from all kinds, and I'll tell you what I tell everyone else--the safety of this institution is paramount."
"Safety?" Ted was starting to feel like he and Ms. Li were carrying on two different conversations that had nothing to do with each other.
Ms. Li nodded and pressed the tips of her fingers together. "You see, it takes money to keep students safe from harm."
"What harm?" As far as Ted was concerned, the main danger to the students at Lawndale High was the cult leader sitting in front of him.
"Snipers on the roof. Bombs in lockers. Catastrophes on a scale you couldn't even imagine!" Ms. Li's eyes were wide and her voice grow shriller with each word.
In spite of his growing fear, Ted couldn't help glancing at his pamphlet again. Number eight: leader expresses unreasonable fears about the world, particularly impending disasters. Realizing that the situation was even more extreme than he'd thought, he stuffed the pamphlet into his back pocket and backed up toward the door. "This has been a very...um...enlightening conversation and I look forward to continuing it at some future date. Goodbye!"
With that, he lurched out of the office and didn't stop running until he was home. Once he was safely hidden in his room with the door shut and a dresser pushed up against it, he sat down on his bed and finished reading the pamphlet. His eyes widened with each word, and by the time he'd reached the last page he knew something had to be done.
His first thought was to confide in his parents. He pushed the dresser back into place and went downstairs to ask for their help in defeating the evil cult. He found them in the living room, preparing for the protest they were organizing that weekend.
"Do you think this paint is vegan?" Grant was asking.
Leslie looked surprised. "Why wouldn't it be?"
He frowned at the can he was holding. "I heard somewhere that paint can contain ox gall, squid ink, beeswax, or even crushed insects."
His wife gasped in horror. "Well, we'd better be sure! I don't want to throw animal-derived paint on fur coats. Think of the irony!" She shook her head. "Think we could whip some up from scratch before Saturday?"
"Mom? Dad?" Ted asked. "Something terrible has happened."
Grant and Leslie immediately looked up from their work. "What's wrong?" his father asked. "Did someone try to force gum on you again?"
"No, it's--" Ted stopped. He looked at his parents and thought about the situation. At last he changed his mind and said, "Nothing. It's nothing. Don't worry about it, okay?"
He went back upstairs. They'd never believe me, he thought sadly. I barely believe it myself. Extremists who hold wildly unorthodox beliefs and live unconventional lifestyles? Who would ever even imagine such people living in Lawndale? He shook his head, knowing that he was definitely on his own.
He spent a sleepless night, but got up the next morning resolved to fight the cult with every ounce of his strength. He arrived at school to find reporters swarming the building and at first was excited. Clearly the media has started catching onto this cult story!
He made his way to the nearest reporter, eager to tell his story. The woman spotted him and held out a microphone. "Meg Rosata, channel 4 news," she introduced herself. "Tell me how you feel about sharing your school with a cultural phenomenon!"
Ted frowned. He'd definitely heard the word "cult," but the rest made no sense whatsoever. Of course, he'd attending Lawndale High long enough to know that the things he said were frequently difficult for others to understand and vice versa. He decided to just answer as honestly as he could. "I feel terrified," he informed the reporter. "The idea of seeing my school menaced by such nefarious, controlling elements is beyond my worst nightmares!"
"I...see," Meg Rosata said, her professional demeanor slipping slightly at his reply. "Then does that mean you aren't a fan of--"
"They're here!" her cameraman interrupted. "Come on!" Meg and the rest of the reporters suddenly hurried away, and Ted could see them converge on, of all people, Daria Morgendorffer. She was walking to school with a middle-aged woman he'd never seen before, but whoever she was they all seemed very excited about it. He shrugged and headed to class, comforting himself in the knowledge that he'd done his best to alert the media to the imminent threat.
He entered the school and immediately saw that things were far worse than he'd imagined. Every student seemed to be dressed in blue and yellow, even though Lawndale High didn't have any school uniform policy. But a cult would, he realized. The entire school has been infiltrated!
The bell rang, but Ted was frozen in place. All hope is lost, he thought in despair. My only option is to escape. He turned and ran for the door, but one of the school's security guards stood in his way. "No leaving the school premises during class hours without permission," he told Ted firmly.
Ted didn't need his pamphlet to remember number nine: Followers are not allowed to leave for any reason.
"I'm trapped," he whimpered, and trudged to his first class in defeat.
Ted was surprised to find that, overall, his classes were much the same as ever. Aside from a certain increased level of excitement over some kind of special guest visitor, the material was much the same as on any other day. The cult hasn't taken over the curriculum yet, Ted consoled himself. But it's only a matter of time.
He did have one unpleasant shock when he noticed Daria walking with the woman she'd arrived at school with, who was now wearing the same blue and yellow as everyone else. "Oh, no," Ted whispered in horror. "She's a new recruit! Daria is one of them!"
By lunchtime, however, he was beginning to feel optimistic that he could make it through the day without being indoctrinated after all. His spirits lifted even more when he entered the cafeteria to see Brittany and Kevin wearing rainbow colored outfits in stark contrast to the blue and yellow everyone else wore. He hurried over to them. "I'm so pleased to see that you haven't been brainwashed!" he told them, grinning widely.
"Naw," Kevin replied, grinning back. "Our brains don't need washing. They're already super clean!"
"Helps that they've never been used," muttered Jane as she passed.
"Well, keep up the good work," Ted told them encouragingly. "We can resist them!"
"Uh huh," Brittany said, smiling vacantly as though she had no idea what he was talking about.
When Ted sat down to eat, he noticed Daria sitting on the other side of the cafeteria with her new recruit. He started to march over to demand an explanation, but before he reached Daria's table Ms. Li's voice rang out over the PA. "Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's office immediately. And if, um, you happen to have anyone with you--a guest or something--of course they're welcome to come, too!"
As Daria and the newest cult member stood and left the cafeteria, Ted turned to go back to his lunch. He paused as he passed another table and overheard a group of girls in his grade talking to each other and glaring at the departing new recruit.
"So, like, we're agreed that we must shun that...person...not only for her crimes against fashion but for associating with known brains and outcasts," one of the girls, a brunette with a throaty voice, proclaimed.
"Definitely!" agreed a girl with pigtails and wide eyes.
"Yeeeeeeah," drawled another girl who didn't seem to be paying attention.
Ted glanced at the new recruit just as she left his sight and realized with surprise that she was no longer wearing her blue-and-yellow uniform. He pulled the pamphlet out of his pocket once more to reread the final item on this list. Number ten: Those who do not keep in step with group policies are expelled from the group.
"Perhaps I was wrong," Ted said to himself as he sat back down. "Perhaps that newcomer has actually been kicked out of the cult for nonconformity, and Daria is taking her to be punished for her actions!"
He began to panic. Am I going to be next? he wondered frantically. Will someone drag me off to Ms. Li to either join the cult or face the consequences? Deciding that this was the moment he must make his stand, he jumped to his feet and climbed up on his chair. "I will never join you!" he announced. "Do your worst!"
A few students sitting nearest him glanced his way for just a moment and then went back to eating. Everyone else in the cafeteria completely failed to react to his declaration in any way.
Ted slowly sat down again, puzzled. Then, in an instant, he understood. "Of course!" he told himself with a small smile. "I'm virtually invisible around here! No one ever pays any attention to me." He looked around with growing satisfaction. For once, his curse had turned out to be a blessing. "No cult for me," he said, and finished his lunch.
A week or two later, he was walking through the halls of Lawndale High and saw that everyone seemed to be reading the same thing, a glossy magazine with the name "Val" splashed all over it the cover. He peeked over one student's shoulder--another perk to his apparent invisibility--to see what was so fascinating. The first thing he noticed was a photo of the strange middle-aged woman who'd been recruited and then ejected from the cult. The second thing he noticed was the title of the article under the photo.
"My Day with 'D': A Disturbing True-Life Look at America's Underground Bummer Culture!"
Although Ted was interested in reading more, the bell rang at that moment and he had to move along to class. He'd seen enough, though; clearly the woman had actually been an undercover reporter of some kind, and had published an exposé on the school's secret cult. Of course! Ted realized with a start. "Cult" must be short for "underground bummer culture"! The whole story has been blown wide open!
For the first time in weeks, Ted was able to relax. The day passed in relative calm, not counting the usual ranting and nonsensical speeches from various teachers. When the dismissal bell rang, Ted almost danced out of the school. He no longer had to worry about being converted by crazy zealots or forced to conform to an unorthodox lifestyle.
"Thank goodness it's over," he said as he passed the corn in the front yard and entered the house to find his parents screaming at the Greenpeace representative on the phone that they would never donate to a bunch of sell-outs. "I'll never be part of a creepy brainwashed group of freaks!"