Home on Deranged
©2004 The Angst Guy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: email@example.com
Synopsis: The annual faculty-vs.-DJ competition at Lawndale High School gains a Wild West flavor when mechanical bull riding becomes the death-sport of choice. A third-season “Daria” comedy script (before Tom), set during Daria’s junior high-school year.
Author’s Notes: In March 2004, Mahna Mahna dared the masses on PPMB to write a fanfic (G to PG-13) that included the following lines:
“It almost makes me wish I was back in Texas again.”
“Oh, sure, but can you do this?”
“I’ve been prepared for exactly this situation.”
“How the heck did that get in here?”
“You think you’re so cool, but you’re not!”
This story was one of the entries. 8)
Acknowledgements: Yo, Mahna Mahna! You rock! And thanks to Lawndale “Galen Hardesty” Stalker, who corrected the Rawhide theme words, and to A.J., who corrected the identity of the disk jockeys in the original story.
[Daria and Jane walk down a hallway in Lawndale High School, going to class. They wear their regular clothes and backpacks.]
JANE: I had the weirdest dream last night.
JANE: No, no, this one was really weird, much weirder than anything else I’ve ever told you about.
JANE: I was flying around the earth in outer space, riding a giant railroad locomotive, and I woke up as I was about to reenter the atmosphere and crash into the Pacific.
DARIA: What were you wearing?
JANE: Just boots, I think. Oh, and I remember waving a cowboy hat and screaming.
DARIA: Are you talking to me? I don’t know you.
JANE: So, what’s your interpretation of my dream, Doctor Morgendorffer?
DARIA: It means we’re never going to watch another David Lynch movie together, that’s what it means.
JANE: [glances into open doors of gymnasium, walks past, stops and does double-take, goes back] Well, smack my rear and call me a tight end! How the heck did that get in here?
[Daria walks back, and both girls stand in the doorway to the gym, peering inside. In the middle of the gym is a brand new mechanical bull (rodeo practice machine) surrounded by admiring Lawndale Lions football players and cheerleaders.]
DARIA: The aliens obviously ran out of monoliths.
JANE: The football players are worshipping it, though. Let’s see if they hit each other with antelope bones.
[Shift focus to the football players and cheerleaders around the rodeo machine. The football players include Kevin, Mack, Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie, with Brittany among the cheerleaders. Jodie is present with Mack.]
KEVIN: Hey, babe! This is like the most advanced mechanical bull ever! It’s got variable speed controls, no-leak hydraulics, fur padding, and a little holder for your soft drink, right between the horns!
BRITTANY: I hope that fur didn’t come from any cute animals!
KEVIN: Nah, probably just rabbits.
BRITTANY: Bunnies? Oh, no!
KEVIN: They were ugly bunnies, babe! I’m sure of it!
MACK: This is going to be the best faculty-DJ competition ever, even better than roller hockey!
JODIE: [looks nostalgic] No way. Nothing will ever beat those faculty-DJ roller hockey games.
DARIA: [walks up] Unless they host a faculty-DJ demolition derby.
JANE: [follows Daria] With monster trucks chasing a burning gasoline tanker.
JEFFY: Whoa, I saw that movie!
JAMIE: That rocked! That’s how I want to drive!
JOEY: We couldn’t do that in the gymnasium, could we?
JANE: Certainly, as long as we make it educational.
DARIA: I’m sure we’d all learn something from it.
KEVIN: Hey, Daria! What do you think of our new bucking machine?
DARIA: It fits right in, given all the bucking idiots around here.
JODIE: Watch it. The football team and cheerleaders have sold almost eight thousand dollars worth of raffle tickets to those bucking id—uh, rodeo fans. Mr. DeMartino and Rock-N-Roll Randy are going mano-a-mano Friday night to see who can last the longest in the saddle at maximum machine settings. The floor seats are sold out, and the bleacher seats are probably gone, too. You missed your chance.
DARIA: That’s what I get for not talking to airheads.
KEVIN: [on turned-off mechanical bull, pretending to ride] Yeee-haaaw!! Ride ‘em, Lawndale Lions!!
DARIA: [watching Kevin] When our civilization collapses, future generations will blame testosterone. Mark my words.
MACK: Two other teachers and DJs have volunteered to ride the bull before the showdown between DeMartino and Randy. We’ll have five ambulances on standby.
JANE: Any way you could sneak us in?
MACK: Through Ms. Li’s security system? She’s even got the air ducts wired for sound.
JODIE: It’ll be a great show. Mr. O’Neill is going to be a rodeo clown.
DARIA: Once again, art imitates life.
JANE: That’s art?
DARIA: That’s life?
KEVIN: [still on the mechanical bull] Mister Dee and Rock-N-Roll Randy are really old guys! I bet I could last longer than either of them! [turns to Brittany] Hey, babe! How long do you think I’d last in the saddle?
BRITTANY: [frowns, thinks] Well, Kevvy, based on my experience, I’d say about eleven sec—
PRINCIPAL LI: [walks up] Ah, Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer, you’ve come to admire the newest bringer of glory to Laaawndale High! The next faculty-DJ competition has raked unprecedented sums into the coffers of our magnificent institution! Soon we’ll have the best facial-recognition technology for our security cameras that off-the-books money can buy!
DARIA: Wouldn’t it be cheaper to put bar codes on our arms and just scan us into school?
PRINCIPAL LI: [glares] That sounds like tattooing, and if I allowed that, there’d be chaos!
DARIA: Chaos has never hurt us before.
PRINCIPAL LI: Don’t be so negative, Miss Morgendorffer. I want you to gaze upon this rodeo machine and be transported by its possibilities!
DARIA: It’s working. It almost makes me wish I were back in Texas again.
PRINCIPAL LI: I trust you and Miss Lane have already purchased your raffle tickets for Friday night?
DARIA: Nothing could possibly have kept us away from seeing our teachers voluntarily send themselves to intensive care units, except that the tickets are already sold out.
PRINCIPAL LI: As it so happens, I need two assistants to run one of the concessions stands. It’s a lot of work, you won’t be paid, and you won’t be able to see the rodeo through the crowd, but it will ease the hunger and thirst of the multitude and rake in even more cash.
DARIA: That’s the beauty of community service. However, there is an hour-long “Sick, Sad World” special on Friday about groundhogs that go on rampages and throw tree limbs at passersby.
JANE: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck? Think about it.
DARIA: I cannot compromise my educational standards, so Jane and I will forgo the excitement of the mob for a quiet evening of thought and reflection.
PRINCIPAL LI: [sternly] Both of you girls are riding the glory train bound for the railroad station of graduation, and we’re due to arrive only one year from now. It would be a shame if something happened to cause that glory train of graduation to jump from the trestle of incomplete transcripts and fall into the great, dark canyon of burger flipping.
DARIA: My mom’s a lawyer.
PRINCIPAL LI: Then make sure she gets fries with her carryout orders.
DARIA: Hmm, that didn’t work. Fortunately, I’ve been prepared for exactly this situation. [takes a deep breath, sighs in defeat] You win.
JANE: One of these days, they should put some teeth into those child-labor laws.
PRINCIPAL LI: You girls have a long way to go before you develop the steel nerves required to become a high-school principal.
DARIA: Or the sheer brass.
PRINCIPAL LI: Call it what you like. [leaves, but as she walks away, thinks aloud] Bar code tattoos? Hmmm.
JODIE: I don’t know if holding this fake rodeo idea is a good thing. Someone could get really hurt.
JANE: They sure could. What’s your point?
DARIA: You weren’t half this concerned last year about the faculty-DJ roller-hockey game.
JODIE: Yeah, but my parents let me go to that one. Friday night, I have to serve dinner at a homeless shelter and miss the whole thing. Damn it!
MACK: [to Daria and Jane] I’m sorry you have to work the concessions booth, but it was better to go along with Ms. Li than try to oppose her.
DARIA: Good judgment comes only from bad experiences.
JANE: Which come only from bad judgment.
DARIA: Or going to this high school.
JODIE: Tell me about it. We’ll be lucky if the teachers and DJs are only maimed. [leaves with Mack]
JANE: [to Daria] No matter what happens, someone always finds a way to take things too seriously.
[Daria and Jane glumly arrive at Lawndale High School on Friday night. Lots of students and parents are present, pouring into the gymnasium to watch the DJ-teacher rodeo competition. Jane cheers up briefly as she looks around.]
JANE: I’ve never seen so many ambulances at school in my life. Except that day they served the gray-colored fish sticks.
DARIA: I’d eat one if it would get me out of this mess.
JANE: Cheer up, Morgendorffer. Keep telling yourself that it’s only a dream, like in that movie where the guy’s about to be hung and he dreams that he escapes and goes home, right before he wakes up and dies.
DARIA: I’m hoping I’ll wake up in Paris. I’d even settle for waking up in Phys Ed.
JANE: Maybe Ms. Li will let us ride the mechanical bull in place of working the concessions stand. What’s to keep us from doing it?
DARIA: For one thing, I’ll need both my arms to write my autobiography and do book signings.
JANE: They’re doing great things with prostheses, I hear. Think of all the fun you could have with a hook.
DARIA: We had a saying back in Highland: Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
JANE: You’re saying you want to put the mechanical bull in the school’s swimming pool?
[The girls enter the gymnasium and immediately run into Principal Li.]
PRINCIPAL LI: There you are! You’re late!
JANE: My dog ate my homework.
PRINCIPAL LI: I’m not asking for your homework!
JANE: I don’t have a dog, either, so it’s okay.
PRINCIPAL LI: Go to that booth and get started! Wear the aprons, too!
[Daria and Jane go to an empty, unlit concessions booth and walk around back to get inside. They pick up one apron each and hold it up.]
DARIA: [reads printing on her blue-and-yellow apron, which has the smiling face of a female lion on it] “Serving You With Pride.” Oh, I get it. Lawndale Lions. Pride. Duh.
JANE: Does this mean we can bite our customers?
DARIA: Don’t do that. We don’t know where our customers have been.
[They put on their aprons, turn on the booth lights, and check the popcorn machine.]
JANE: [peers into popcorn machine] One of these slots is for popcorn and the other is for oil, but I can’t tell which. I could flip a coin. Can you pour oil over bare wires?
DARIA: It was a long time ago, but I once saw someone start one of these. Get the popcorn, and I’ll fill it.
[Jane reaches under a shelf in the booth and picks up a plastic sack of popcorn kernels—which immediately bursts and spills all over the bottom of the booth.]
JANE: Hmmm. We could just pour the oil over the floor, set fire to it, and presto!
DARIA: Great. If we move, we’ll slip and fall. If we stand here, Ms. Li will yell at us.
JANE: If we ran away now, we could take our GEDs over the summer and apply for college after that.
DARIA: I know things are really bad when you start to make sense.
[Daria gets the popcorn oil, in a large gallon jug, and pours all of it into the popcorn machine. In moments, the oil pours out of the bottom of the machine and over the floor, spreading everywhere.]
DARIA: [air of defeat] All right. When and where are the next GEDs being given?
[Meanwhile, Mr. DeMartino (in a Lawndale Lions T-shirt and jeans) stands next to the mechanical bull. Behind him are two other Lawndale High School teachers, also in jeans and school T-shirts: a nondescript male teacher, and Janet Barch (wearing an all-white rhinestone-studded cowgirl outfit). On the other side of the mechanical bull are Rock-N-Roll Randy (“The Big House”) and Bing and the Spatula Man (“Jake of Hearts”). Standing between the two groups is Upchuck in a tuxedo, holding a microphone and looking happily smarmy.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] Ladies and gentlemen! The big event you have been waiting for is here! Tonight, we explore the inner depths of courage and machismo in their most primitive and basic forms, sure to stir the romantic fires in every wo—[Upchuck catches a glimpse of Janet Barch glaring at him, hastily corrects self]—every student’s heart! We bring you Lawndale High’s finest against the finest of the radio airwaves! We bring you—Rodeo Lawndale-eo!
[Wild cheers from the audience drown out everything else.]
MR. DEMARTINO: [at the microphone, to crowd] Lawndale High School! We who are about to KICK DJ butt SALUTE you!
[More cheers ring out. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane sweep up the mess on the floor of their booth.]
JANE: [with broom] Didn’t Roman gladiators used to say something like that?
DARIA: [with dustpan] Right before they died, yes.
JANE: Those were the good old days.
ROCK-N-ROLL RANDY: [at the microphone, to crowd] Yo, Lawndale! We are the champions, and we don’t know the meaning of the word “failure”!
DARIA: [with dustpan, still cleaning] If you owned a dictionary, you would.
JANE: [with broom] They say that failure is not the falling down, it’s the not getting up again.
DARIA: [with dustpan] Your efforts to cheer me are futile.
[The nondescript teacher rides the mechanical bull and is thrown off in two seconds. EMTs rush over and examine the teacher, who gets up on shaky feet and walks off, cradling his left arm. The crowd goes wild.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] And a magnificent performance by Mr. Schmidt, of industrial arts! Those woodworking skills will come in handy if you need crutches or splints!
[Bing the DJ, wearing his rainbow wig and looking quite frightened, gets on next. When the bull is activated, he hangs on for one second longer than the teacher, but he too is thrown from the saddle with a panicked yell. EMTs crowd around him.]
[Switch to Daria and Jane in their booth. The popcorn machine is operating merrily behind them, and there is a large line of people already forming to buy some. The girls watch the rodeo goings-on. Jane yawns. Daria looks impassive.]
JANE: [finishing her yawn] Did I miss anything?
[Bing is carried off on a stretcher toward an ambulance that is backed up to one of the gymnasium doors. He flashes the victory sign to the cheering crowd.]
JANE: I liked your idea of putting the popcorn we swept up back into the machine.
DARIA: The high temperatures should kill most of the germs. I think.
JANE: [shrugs] Eh.
[We see Jane in close-up, and we also see a curl of smoke pass in front of her face. She sniffs, then looks puzzled and turns to peer behind her at the popcorn machine. Her eyes widen as she gasps.]
JANE: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
[Daria’s eyes widen even before she turns around.]
[Switch back to the competition. The heavyset DJ known as Spatula Man carefully gets up on the mechanical bull and waves to the crowd.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] At the insistence of the paramedics, mattresses have been placed around the bull to prevent serious injuries. [The crowd shouts angrily as Upchuck shrugs.] Yes, but we’ll have to make the best of it, won’t we? We’ll put the bull on two-thirds maximum power instead of half.
[The machine is turned on, and Spatula Man hangs on to the saddle for a hellish four seconds of being flung about. When he is finally thrown to one side, he is helped to his feet by paramedics—and suddenly he throws up. Everyone screams “Eww!” or applauds or laughs.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] Alas, a weak stomach has undone this radio cowpoke! And speaking of food issues—
[Upchuck looks toward the back of the gymnasium, where a small fire in Daria and Jane’s popcorn booth has caused Daria and Jane to jump over the counter of their booth and flee. The fire is quickly put out by students and teachers who grab fire extinguishers and spray the booth and the malfunctioning popcorn machine. The firefighting students and teachers raise their hands in victory when the fire is out. The crowd cheers wildly.]
JANE: [watches from a short distance away, panting] I thought you said chaos never hurt.
DARIA: [with Jane, panting] Sue me.
JANE: Well, on the good side, at least we don’t have to sell popcorn anymore.
PRINCIPAL LI: [walks up angrily] Why are you standing around when there are profits to reap? Go help in the soft pretzel concession! [walks off]
DARIA: I must have been really bad in a previous life.
[Janet Barch now mounts the mechanical bull, a determined look on her face.]
MS. BARCH: [growls] No way that any weakling man will ride harder than this long-suffering cow-woman! For sisterhood! Hit it!
The mechanical bull is activated, and Barch stays on for a wild seven seconds before being thrown to the ground. She raises her head with a grim smile.
MS. BARCH: Victory! [faints, head hits the floor]
EMTs surround Barch and carry her off to the side for a quick exam.
[Daria and Jane walk across the back of the gym to the soft pretzel stand.]
JANE: You know, that mechanical bull can rock back and forth three times a second at full speed.
DARIA: Just because you’re moving fast doesn’t mean you’re going anywhere.
JANE: Well, to the emergency room, yeah.
DARIA: You’re doing it again.
DARIA: Trying to cheer me up.
JANE: So, sue me.
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] Five minutes until the grand championship ride! So far it’s one to one, DJs tied with the Lawndale High teachers! The air is thick with tension, the atmosphere charged with excitement! Is it just me, or is this the perfect prequel to an evening of steamy romance? Rrrrowrrr!
WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE: Shut up, Upchuck! Can it! Gross! You’re sick!
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] Feisty! [a lady’s shoe flies past Upchuck’s head] And they’re throwing their clothes at me! Ah, sweet bliss!
[Daria and Jane arrive at the soft pretzel stand in the high school gymnasium—and find Kevin Thompson behind the counter, trying to make change for a customer.]
DARIA: [stops in wide-eyed horror] The Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Quick, shoot me.
JANE: [grins] Hey, you and Kevin get to work together again, just like at that Nutty World place at the mall. How sweet!
DARIA: You’re in there with us this time.
JANE: [loses grin] Oh, I forgot. You shoot me first, and then I’ll shoot you.
KEVIN: [trying to make change] Wow, this is kinda complicated!
CUSTOMER #1: I gave you five dollars for six soft pretzels!
KEVIN: Yeah, but the pretzels are seventy-five cents each!
CUSTOMER #1: And I gave you five bucks!
KEVIN: Do you owe me another dollar? Or do I owe you one? Oh, man, this is making my head hurt!
DARIA: [walks into booth] That’s impossible. Something would have to be inside your head in order for it to hurt. [gets change from cash register and gives it to customer] Sorry about that. His warranty expired, and we can’t get parts. [customer leaves]
KEVIN: Gee, thanks, Daria! Good thing you’re smart and all!
DARIA: If I were really smart, I would have gone back to my home planet long ago.
JANE: [also in booth] I’ll see if I can get the pretzel machine to ignite. Give me five minutes.
KEVIN: Hey, Daria, this is just like when we were working together at Nutty World! Wasn’t that great?
DARIA: Jane, can you get the fire started in one minute or less?
KEVIN: Good thing I don’t have to smile at customers here. Brittany got jealous over that at the nut store and made me quit. Now I can just be myself. [takes a soft pretzel from the rack and eats it]
CUSTOMER #2: [walks up] One pretzel, please. Extra cheese.
KEVIN: [mouth full of food] Sure! [turns to Daria] Hey, can you get him a pretzel?
DARIA: Why don’t you get it for him? He asked you.
KEVIN: But I’ve been in the booth longer than you. I’ve got senility!
JANE: [checking out pretzel machine] Seniority.
DARIA: Don’t correct him when he’s right.
DARIA: I’ll get him a pretzel, but you get his money and the extra cheese.
KEVIN: But that’s what Jane’s here for, right?
JANE: Say what?
CUSTOMER #2: Can I just get a pretzel, please?
DARIA: [to Kevin] Then what are you going to do?
KEVIN: I’ve been here an hour. I can retire!
DARIA: No way. If I have to be here, you have to . . . retire. Fine. Just leave.
CUSTOMER #2: Really?
DARIA: Sure. And when Ms. Li comes by and wants to know why Kevin’s not working, I’ll tell her. She might throw him off the football team for shirking his duties, but that’s a small price to pay for a quality retirement.
KEVIN: Throw me off the team? Whoa! No way!
DARIA: Don’t worry about it. You could always do stunt work. We probably have a cannon somewhere that we could fire you from.
KEVIN: I can’t do that! I wouldn’t be the QB anymore! Hey, I got it! Why don’t you two retire instead?
DARIA: We couldn’t.
JANE: We couldn’t?
CUSTOMER #2: You can’t!
DARIA: We can’t. What we’ll do instead is go for supplies. We’ll bring back more pretzel dough and cheese while you handle the booth and look good for Ms. Li. That way, Ms. Li will see you working, she’ll see us working, and we’ll all get out of this alive.
KEVIN: You got it! Thanks, Daria!
CUSTOMER #2: Hey! Can I get a pretzel?
KEVIN: Sure! [Kevin hands the pretzel he was eating to customer #2]
CUSTOMER #2: [drops the half-eaten pretzel] Eww! [quickly leaves, wiping hand on shirt]
[Daria and Jane walk away from the booth.]
JANE: You know, the supply room for the concessions is in the other direction.
DARIA: Keep walking.
JANE: Sorry I couldn’t get the pretzel-baking machine to spontaneously combust. Damn insulated wiring.
DARIA: Forget it. You tried.
JANE: [turns to look back in surprise] You know, funny thing. There’s smoke coming out of the pretzel baker back in Kevin’s booth. Should we warn him?
DARIA: [doesn’t look back] What good would that do?
[Jane shrugs and keeps walking with Daria. The gym suddenly grows dark as the lights dim. The Lawndale High School band starts playing the opening chords of Strauss’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” (the “2001: A Space Odyssey” theme song), as Mr. DeMartino and Rock-N-Roll Randy walk toward the mechanical bull, bathed in spotlights.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] And now, the main event! Lawndale High, are you ready for some—Rrrrowrrr!—hot, hot action in the arena of combat and pain?
[The crowd roars with delight. At this moment, a colorful-looking rodeo clown runs over and takes the microphone away from Upchuck.]
MR. O’NEILL (THE CLOWN): [in tearful voice] Don’t do it! I beg you, stop the insanity! Haven’t enough people been hurt? Haven’t we learned anything from this madness? In the name of—
[Two security officers rush over and grab the rodeo clown, dragging him off toward the gymnasium doors. The crowd is puzzled and silent. Principal Li walks over and picks up the dropped microphone.]
PRINCIPAL LI: [on microphone, to crowd] Let’s hear it for the clown act!
[Relieved, everyone laughs and cheers. Ms. Li quickly hands the microphone back to Upchuck and leaves.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone] And now, without further ado, I call out Rock-N-Roll Randy! Head ‘em up, move ‘em out!
[The high-school band plays the opening “Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’” chords from the theme song of the old TV western, Rawhide. Rock-N-Roll Randy mounts the mechanical bull and prepares himself.]
MR. DEMARTINO: [nasty grin] Ready for the merry-go-round to start, sonny boy?
ROCK-N-ROLL RANDY: [sneers] You think you’re so cool, but you’re not! Watch this! I’m bad to the bone!
[The mechanical bull starts and gyrates violently on its maximum setting. Rock-N-Roll Randy gets what clearly looks like the beating of his life, being flung into the air time after time. Still, he hangs on and remains in the saddle for seven seconds, rivaling Ms. Barch’s record. He is finally flung high into the air to crash flat on his back to the hardwood gym floor, just one foot past the edge of the mattresses. The audience jumps to its feet and fills the gymnasium with screams and cheers.]
[Daria and Jane, who have discarded their aprons, watch from behind a line of EMTs near the gymnasium doors. Several EMTs have rushed forward to help the fallen DJ.]
JANE: Damn that gravity! He was that close to disproving that Newton guy!
EMT #1: Twenty says concussion with a skull fracture.
EMT #2: Nah, he didn’t hit hard enough. Concussion, though, yeah.
DARIA: Concussion and lower back. He’ll start yelling in a moment.
EMT #1: You know him?
DARIA: He’s done stuff like this three years running. He’s built up a tolerance.
[The EMTs crowding around Rock-N-Roll Randy lift him to a gurney.]
ROCK-N-ROLL RANDY: [in obvious pain] Augh! My head! My back!
[The two EMTs next to Daria groan, dig into their wallets, and pay up.]
EMT #1: [to Daria] So, you know a little about first aid?
DARIA: I put Ex-Lax in my sister’s chocolate milk once.
EMT #2: Can you run a defibrillator if we need an extra hand?
DARIA: How many times do I get to shock them?
EMT #1: Knock yourself out.
DARIA: Myself, or the patients?
EMT #1: Whatever.
[After a moment, Daria smiles.]
[Mr. DeMartino, wearing leather gloves, mounts the mechanical bull with a peculiar grin. He secretly peers into the palm of his right glove, which appears stained and darker than the palm of his left glove.]
MR. DEMARTINO: [whispers to self as he takes his seat] A little quick-setting EPOXY should do the trick! Heh heh heh! [grips saddle horn with glued glove]
ROCK-N-ROLL RANDY: [in obvious pain as he is wheeled away, to Mr. DeMartino] Give up, old man! I can whip any teacher around, at any sport! I can wrastle a tornado and use a rattlesnake for a bullwhip! Ouch! Careful of my back!
MR. DEMARTINO: [to Randy] Wrastle a tornado, eh? Oh, sure, but can you do this? [shouts] Hi-yo, Silver! Away!
[The mechanical bull starts and lurches into a violent series of bucks and twists. Mr. DeMartino’s face quickly fills with horror and panic as he is flung about. He tries to get loose, but cannot. The crowd goes wild.]
MR. DEMARTINO: [shouting madly] Turn it off! Turn it off!
DARIA: [watching from sidelines] Sic transit gloria mundi.
JANE: [beside her] Gloria who?
DARIA: That was Latin for, Guess we gotta get a new history teacher.
[The mechanical bull appears to go out of control. Ten seconds into the ride, the machine spews out a huge crowd of black smoke and sparks, makes one mighty leap from the floor, and crashes down, smashing itself into hundreds of smashed metal and plastic pieces. Mr. DeMartino is thrown off as the saddle horn breaks off in his grip. EMTs rush to him as the entire gymnasium is filled with cheering screams and waving hands.]
UPCHUCK: [on microphone, shouting with excitement] Thirteen seconds! Thirteen incredible, marvelous, breathtaking seconds of sheer, undiluted machismo! God bless America!
DARIA: The Bulgarian judge gave it a 6.2.
JANE: Damn communists.
[The EMTs help a surprisingly uninjured Mr. DeMartino to his feet. He appears shaken and confused as Upchuck shoves a microphone in his face.]
UPCHUCK: Mister D, our new rodeo champ, say a few words to your loyal fans!
MR. DEMARTINO: [appears rattled] Auntie Em! Auntie Em! I’ve just had the most incredible dream!
JANE: Monday’s going to be interesting, I can tell.
MR. DEMARTINO: [to Upchuck] What have you done with Toto?
MS. BARCH: [limps over on crutches to Mr. DeMartino] I have a suspicion that some unethical and underhanded technique was used to gain advantage, which would be just like a man—but for the moment, I must say I’m impressed. Good going, Anthony!
MR. DEMARTINO: [sees Ms. Barch, raises hands to ward her off] It’s the witch! Throw water on her and she’ll melt!
MS. BARCH: [enraged] You defective excuse for a Y-chromosome carrier!
[Ms. Barch tries to whack Mr. DeMartino with one of her crutches. EMTs and security guards grapple with her.]
MR. DEMARTINO: [running away in fright, pursued by Upchuck and others] There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
DARIA: [to EMTs] Can I use the defibrillator paddles now?
EMT #1: No one’s having a heart attack.
EMT #2: Sorry. Time to visit Doughnut World and wait for another five-car pileup.
[The EMTs pick up their emergency gear and head back to the ambulances. Daria and Jane walk out of the gymnasium and walk away.]
DARIA: As Jerry Springer might say, what have we learned from this?
JANE: When the chips are down, the buffalo needs a refill?
DARIA: You’re right. Pizza King it is.
JANE: Do you think life will always be this much fun?
DARIA: Do you want to stay in high school forever?
JANE: [slaps self once] Thanks, amiga. I needed that.
DARIA: Don’t mention it. Just buy the pizza to pay me back.
[The partners in crime walk away together, and we fade out.]
Original: 03/10/04, revised 11/21/04