Is your cutlery holding an edge... or going over one? Diary of a Mad Steak-Knife, tonight on Sick, Sad World

Kevin gets a new leather jacket, and after Daria and Jane make fun of him, a motorcycle -- of sorts -- as well. Showing off his new "rebel" look, he does a wheelie that ends when runs over the Tommy Sherman memorial tree, incidentally hurting his knee.
Back at the Morgendorffer home, Jake is getting stressed about property values and Helen is angry at Rita for getting even more money from mother.
Kevin gets all depressed about killing Tommy Sherman's tree, and he quits football. This means that he has to stop drinking sports drinks and worst of all, stop dating Brittany, since cheerleaders only go out with football players, which of course depresses Brittany.
Daria and Jane hide out on the roof to escape Study Hall, and their conversation mocking the Tommy Sherman tree leads gets conducted through some ducts into the girl's bathroom, where the cheerleaders become convinced Tommy Sherman's ghost is haunting them.
Between the lackluster cheers and the missing quarterback, the Lawndale high-school football team really stinks up the field. This manages to effect the entire town, starting with the Fashion Club gets blown off in Junior 5.
Ms. Li tries to bring in a replacement for Kevin, but winds up with a big guy who hasn't managed to graduate yet who has severe psychotic tendencies.
Quinn manages to convince Helen to consider moving, and Jake starts getting really worried about the property values.
Daria and Jane get tired of the way everyone is acting, and Tom comes up with a way that might help Kevin out: turn him into a safety speaker at the grade schools.
Daria and Jane tell Mr. O'Neill about the idea, and he loves it. Kevin's stories, which tend to involve talk of guts, go over well with the kids. Too well, in fact, as Kevin loves the attention and has no intention of going back to football. Meanwhile, the football team is getting freaked out by the new QB.
Brittany is trying to get money for a new tree, to appease Tommy's ghost, but takes Daria's sarcastic comment about planting one of Kevin's crutches seriously. Brittany has a big confrontation with Kevin in the cafeteria, where Kevin realizes he really misses making out with her, so he tosses the crutches and rejoins the team.
With Kevin and the cheerleaders back to normal, the team breaks its losing streak.

"That's a motorcycle jacket. It's made out of leather to protect you from scrapes when your head's bouncing off the grill of a truck." -- Daria ("A Tree Grows in Lawndale")

Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge would he do that?
Jane: Dunno. We'll try that next time.

"You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song." -- Daria ("A Tree Grows in Lawndale")

"Daria, are you depressed? I mean, more than usual." -- Mr. O'Neill ("A Tree Grows in Lawndale")

"But what about our eternal love that was supposed to last till graduation?" -- Brittany ("A Tree Grows in Lawndale")

"Dare your humble announcer dare to venture that the mighty Lawndale Grrrr has turned into a plaintive meow?" -- Charles ("A Tree Grows in Lawndale")

Daria: My home life's becoming intolerable.
Jane: Becoming intolerable?
Daria: Is there such a word as intolerabler?

Tom: Actually, why not send him back to elementary school?
Daria: Because he'd never meet the academic requirements.

Mack: This isn't working. The new guy, he's got some weird rules.
Jodie: You mean weirder than sticking your butt in the air and making a football appear?

Brittany: Look! The new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.
Jane: Lovely.
Brittany: I wonder why it isn't blossoming?
Daria: Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

Tom: The reiteration? Powerful.
Daria: Like getting hit in the head repeatedly with a sock full of quarters.

Wraith's Ramblings:
Some good interaction between Daria and Jane, but simply too much else that wasn't worth it.
Also see my Rambling of 11-8-00.