Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine Callgirls next, on Sick, Sad World

Helen and Quinn are busy, so Daria is left home alone. Well, almost alone. Jake's had a very bad reaction to the heart-smart chili, and they're out of toilet paper. By shouting through the door, he bribes Daria to run out and get some more.
Unfortunately, Daria forgot that it's Homecoming night, and there's a big parade happening. This makes it very difficult for Daria to get home in the time-limit on the bribe, and to make things worse Daria starts running into all sorts of other delays, starting with running into Jane outside the drug store, then not being allowed to cross the street by Ms. Li, an overly aggressive mascot, and worst of all, a lost Tad Guptie.
While looking for Tad's parents, Daria gets propositioned by Upchuck, who's in the parade. She also runs into Tom, who's looking for Jane outside the other drug store, and he decides to tag along.
The Fashion Club is on a float in the parade, and hits on the idea of finding someone to do a fashion makeover on. At the same time, Tom suggest hopping a float so they can see more people and maybe find Tad's parents. They end up hopping the Fashion Club float, of course. Daria is grabbed for use as a makeover victim, but she grabs Quinn to use as a shield, and threatens to hug her if she doesn't back them off. Tad gets in a fight with Staci about animal testing of makeup. They leave, but unfortunately Daria forgets the toilet paper.
Off the float, they get accosted by the mascot again, and Tom gets physical. They then watch the cheerleaders nearly get run down by a float, which swerves to avoid them, falls over, and bursts into flame. While Daria and Tom are watching the flames, Tad disappears again. This time it's because he's found his parents, who thank Daria and offer her extra carrots on her next baby-sitting job as a thank you. The mascot comes back again, but this time collapses. When his head is removed, it turns out to be Mr. O'Neill.
The Fashion Club gets covered in exhaust from all the vehicles in front of them, and Charles holds up the parade when his car breaks down. He also gets beaten up by a pair of female cops he comes on to. Ted comes up and snaps a picture of Daria and Tom while they're watching. Then Jane finally finds them.
Jane and Tom decide to head out for pizza, and invite Daria along, but she becomes a civilian casualty in a paint-fight, and declines.

Quinn: Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine?
Daria: I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pinups.
Quinn: I'll as mom.
Helen: Daria, have you seen your father?
Daria: Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine?
Helen: I'll ask Quinn.

Jake: Is anybody out there? Am I the only one left in the house?
Daria: If I help you with the first question, will you try to do the second one on your own?

Cashier: Can I help you dear?
Daria: No. I just came to enjoy your reenactment of the fall of Saigon.

"What better place than a high school homecoming to chronicle the anarchic death-spiral of Western society?" -- Jane ("I Loathe a Parade")

Ms. Li: Miss Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going?
Daria: Slowly insane. But I need to pop in at home first.

"I can still make it back in time. All I need is a catapult and a good tailwind." -- Daria ("I Loathe a Parade")

Tad: What's your favorite part of the parade, Daria?
Daria: The thigh. No wait, the drumstick.

"Tad. When you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain?" -- Daria ("I Loathe a Parade")

Charles: Does the notion of satin upholstery get you excited?
Daria: Sure, if it's lining your coffin.

"Didn't I just leave you for dead a while ago?" -- Daria ("I Loathe a Parade")

"Well, I don't know you well enough to wear my cape around you." -- Tom ("I Loathe a Parade")

Wraith's Ramblings:
Great start, but it falters around the mid point and never really recovers.
Also see my Rambling of 11-11-00.